Proud Moments

As my boys get older, there become more and more opportunities for them to make me proud. It's not that I wasn't proud of them before, but as I encourage them to 'be better' and have the courage to 'make it happen,' somehow slowly, those wise words are sinking in.

On Friday, my oldest son played in the grand final of his hockey season. He has been the goalie all year, and I had plenty of comments from the parents and coach throughout the season about how much of an asset he is to the team. So much so, that on the way to the grand final, he told me that his coach had also made him captain for the finals. He said he was made captain because the coach thought he took the game seriously (yet if you knew my son, he just thinks that being goalie is like being in a real life video game where he can control his players! lol).

The team they were playing hadn't yet lost a game all season, and the last time we played them we lost 2-10 (however, my son wasn't playing that day, as that was the day we went to see USA vs Canada ice-hockey). So, as you can imagine, the other team would be expecting to win easily. And as they were at the top of the ladder, if it was a draw, they would still be Premiers. Our key striker was on the bench with a knee that had put him in crutches all week, so we weren't confident that we would win, but the team were pumped about trying. We got the first goal. Then the score was tied, but it took a while. With 10 minutes to go before the end of the game, we were up 4-3. The parents were super excited, with adrenalin rushing through us, not caring that it was bitterly cold outside. Somehow, with just minutes spare, their team got 2 quick goals and the whistle blew… Score ending in 4-5.

Our boys were so elated with their tenacity and efforts that it didn't bother them that they had lost. They were the ultimate sportsmen. My son, as captain, handed out runners-up medals to his team mates, and thanked the referees for their job. They did such a fine job. Shhh… but this week at the official presentation night, I know the coach is going to give my son a trophy for all his hard work and efforts (not sure what the award actually is, but after 5 years in playing hockey, it will be his first trophy, and I think he may be a little surprised!)

As for my younger son…. he has learning difficulties and has had to read an entire novel this term and do four assignments on the book. The assignments are 1) an author's study, 2) a character web, 3) character emotions and 4) describe in your own words a scene in the book, then draw a picture of it. With a little bit of encouragement, he finished the book on the weekend. But what surprised me most, was when he really tried, and had an incentive (i.e., if you finish this chapter I will give you some candy!), he read the book so fluently and read words that I would never expect him to know. Usually it's a drawn out process of 'I'm too tired,' negotiations to do less, or an inaudible voice of painful blur he thinks is called 'reading out loud.'  It's like he's been playing me and his teachers about his abilities for a while now, but doesn't want anyone to know… hmmmm…. not sure how to handle that… maybe I should secretly record him and let his teacher and tutor know what he is capable of doing…

So, as our children achieve their little milestones in leadership, processing information, and tactics, we must take out hats off to them for taking on the journey that allows them to become masters of their own lives. If only I could stop them procrastinating, then I wouldn't need to nag! lol

Love and Fear

When I was married, and even before, I reflect now and see that I was living in fear. Through my high school years, I feared that if I didn't do what was expected of me - my schooling, my violin practice, going swimming each week, making good friends, getting good grades, not eating the right foods, etc, I feared I would be grounded, physically hit, verbally abused (i.e. told that I am fat, that my best isn't good enough, etc) or I wouldn't be allowed to see my friends as they weren't 'good influences.' So I essentially hid in the comfort of my own bedroom writing, listening to music, playing music and finding any outlet I could that gave me peace in my heart.

Through my married years, that same fear was there. I was scared to argue or give an opinion just in case World War II broke out and the harmony in our world and expectations that carried over from living under my parents roof - get an education, buy a house, get married, have children, etc would be frowned upon if I didn't take that path. If my husband and I had the smallest of arguments about butter vs margarine, or tomato sauce vs tomato relish, I had become the person who lost all sense of having an opinion because if it would cause an argument, I would let his opinion or decision count.

And it really wasn't until I started my post-graduate course in Writing that I discovered that my opinion was important, valued and ALLOWED! That's a big one… allowing yourself to have an opinion and sticking to YOUR TRUTH in who you are. Hence the reason why 2009 was such a big year for me… I started my course, my sister was married in the Black Saturday bush fires and I could see so clearly that all I meant to my husband was a bank balance, we went to USA and visited Disneyland, I told my husband that he needed to get a job, not have a business, which he did and failed, therefore, he ended up failing our marriage…. and I became stronger because I realised that I could do all the things we were doing without him.

And for a year after I left him, I learnt to live in 'love.' Loving myself for who I was, loving myself enough to lose 22 kilos in weight, loving my surrounds, loving my freedom, loving my children, loving my job, loving my ambitions and goals, and loving the time I had with my friends and family. And people were loving me back. I had this zest for life that people were addicted to. They wanted to know more about me and they wanted to spend time with me, and I would be in control of my own time giving myself where and when I wanted to.

But then, people started taking advantage… advantage of the love I was giving, advantage of the time I was giving, advantage of my zest for life. And my bitter husband threatened my existence - he wanted to take half of my business, he organised to have my home over-valued (I say 'my' home as I paid for it, it was in my name, but as we were married, he was entitled to something) so that I would give him a huge payout, he took money out of our joint account that was there to pay the car repayment so somehow I had to find more money to pay it, he looked at my computer to see if he could find any evidence of me cheating on him and I believe he was responsible for two nails found in two of my tyres. And he did it, because I had killed the dream that he had - the dream of being a kept man with a whole lot of luxuries.

It's now 5 years since I split with him… 2.5 years since our finances have been settled, 2 years since I lost my American lover, and I feel that I'm starting to live with 'love' in my life again, not fear. I was profoundly affected by the great Jim Carrey saying 'Too many people live in fear just to be practical.' And it resonated with me so much, as my parents have always chosen a 'practical life' over a loving life, and after trying the regimented life so many of us dream about in our childhood, I have decided, it's not for me… I am full of love, adventure, spirit and passion. So many people told me last year how 'courageous' it was to drive around Europe for 6.5 weeks, but for me it was an adventure and whatever will be will be. I didn't approach that holiday in fear… but when we went to the USA and Disneyland, I did...

I feel comfortable in my life now to be the person I want to be… a loving, nurturing mother, a prolific writer, a caring and supportive friend, an adventurer, a dog lover and a survivor… A survivor of divorce, neglect, abuse and fear. I am not a victim, I am 'me.' I no longer care what people think of me, or what I write. They are my thoughts, my experiences, my life. It's been a long time since I shed a tear in sadness of my life… I will always shed a tear in compassion for others or shed a tear in outrageous laughter.

In the end, my friends, all I can say to you, is to learn to live in love, not fear and always be the better you.

The hospital heroes

Over the last week, my son spent 5 nights/6 days in hospital for a recurring problem. I spent every night next to him in a crappy single person sofa bed with missing springs (somehow it held my weight), so with an average bed, other kids being wheeled in and wheeled out throughout the night of our 4-bed room, and the delights of newborns crying around us, we were both pretty exhausted after our stay. So while the nurses always get a wrap for how amazing they are, and they are, there are many other heroes situated in the children's ward of a hospital each and every day.

Firstly, there are the children. In our 5 night stay, we had children ranging from 6 days old to 16 years old. The 16 year old had coeliac's disease plus juvenile diabetes and had a sugar overdose. He would have Turret's like fits in the middle of the night screaming out 'f*&*' to our amusement, but not necessarily ideal for the young ears around us. There was a 4 year old girl who found out she had cancer in our stay. I saw her mum crying crouched down in the hallway with nurses, counsellors and family members surrounding her trying to console her. We had a 5 year old cerebral palsy boy who was very sweet, patient and able to just put up with everything he went through - from being feed through a hole in his stomach, to wearing nappies and being prodded and poked for the numerous amounts of tests he needed. We had several children with asthma come and go, a 9 week old who wasn't putting on weight yet was struck down with severe bronchillitis so she sounded like she was always struggling to breathe, and a newborn with jaundice that wasn't subsiding. It really made you feel that the struggle my son goes through every day, and has done for the majority of his years, is nothing compared to these other children, especially those who have to live with their illness for the rest of their days.

We are lucky that what my son has is fixable, but it will take a while, through a process of elimination to see exactly what needs to be done. But so many others have incurable diseases, illnesses or dietary concerns that they have to adjust their lives accordingly.

But the real heroes are the parents who are there for the children day in day out and don't have a selfless bone in their body. The siblings of these children who allow their parents to be there day in day out for their sick brother or sister, and miss out on being a normal kid too. They are the real heroes, as they watch their friends do all the things they want to do, but their parents can't give them the time. There was one parent there who lived in Tasmania and travelled sometimes 26 times a year to Melbourne to get the help needed for her son. She leaves 3 other children in the care of her parents while she is over in Melbourne, but on top of it all, her husband came down with terminal lung cancer and recently had a knee replacement, so she's literally doing it all on her own… and she's only 34 years old. Truly, the courage she has is just extraordinary to keep going, smile and laugh whilst going through such tragedy, at what every day brings her.

This was my first time every to experience and observe the goings-on at a hospital, especially a children's ward. Doctors come and go, and I seriously thought we would see much more of the doctors in the ward, but we didn't. Most kids were lucky to see a doctor once a day, while the nurses attended to their every need. We were lucky to have charitable organisations and volunteers at the Ronald McDonald Family Room which provided a refuge for families to talk in private, a dining area and kitchen to cook a proper meal, showers and laundry facilities for those with no place to do the everyday things they needed. We also had a Starlight Room run by the Starlight Foundation for the sick children to play video games and interact with other sick children, just to feel normal. We had play therapy consultants who brought around show bags of goodies and other toys for the children who were bed-ridden. All these things made our hospital stay bearable, while children with severely disfigured faces and bodies, or children with tubes coming out of every cavity in their body, just broke your heart and made you realise how extremely lucky we are to have almost perfect kids.

The language of him and her

It's frustrating to no end in this game of love and war. And that's what it feels like… a war to gain love for those you want it from. It's not exactly a 'fist to cuffs' war or a verbal diatribe, but it's a war of miscommunication, courage (or lack of) and rejection. But there is a simple explanation why it is all so…

Men and women think differently. Men compartmentalise everything into boxes - a box for work, a box for wife/lover (or one each for both!), a box for kids, a box for car, a box for finances, a box for home, a box for sport, a box for entertainment, and a box for nothing. You know when you are trying to communicate with a man and he's in dreamy day dream land… yet that's right - he's in his 'box of nothing!' Whereas, women are like the internet… wires connecting everything to anything. Women think that work is related to money, which is related to how much money you can spend on buying/renting a house/car, to what size house/car you need to house your family/kids/pets, to how much entertaining do we need space for in our home or do we want to live close to amenities/restaurants/cafes/beach to entertain ourselves, and the list is continuously in motion. You can kind of understand why men freak out when a woman says 'I thought we were saving the money to buy a bigger house,' when he goes and buys himself a new car without making a decision with her. For him, it's 'his' car, so why should she have a say?

This box theory makes sense to me in my relationships. Recently, I asked a friend who started flirting with me about his 'partner', and his response was 'she knows I will never leave her.' Hmmm… box for me, box for her. My lover constantly talked about his boxes and I asked him once if I was a shiny red box in front of the Christmas tree, or something nearer the trunk, tucked away so no one could see (hmm… I bet you can guess which one!). But when my box started to move to the front of the Christmas tree because our relationship became more emotionally involved, he started to freak out, because he couldn't tell which box was mine and which one was his wife's box as they were starting to become similar (i.e. he was telling me stuff before he told his wife, and then when his wife asked him why he hadn't told her, he thought that he already had!) He wasn't used to his boxes starting to look the same and didn't like that he was confusing them. My ex-husband was a real trooper for boxes, because he couldn't understand that his ability (or I should say 'non ability') to contribute to the welfare of his family would determine if he stayed with us or not. He was dumbfounded when I told him to leave because he thought every box was it's own individual issue and that he could tackle one and forget about the others, yet I saw them as being all interconnected.

Some men blend their boxes… for instant having an affair with someone at work, or an affair with one of their children's friend's mothers, or they need a luxury car to show off at work, but it is fairly rare for a man to be able to combine three or more boxes into a bigger box.

So if we can understand this about men, then we shouldn't have a problem with communicating with them. It's all about keeping it simple. Yet we women are not simple creatures. We analyse, worry and store things in our memory to bring them up ten years down the track after all the built up anger destroys our soul… We have more courage to create a change in thinking than men do. We will ask the hard questions, hoping to move things along rather than staying still. We want to see courage in our men, courage to make a stand and show us how much they desire us, love us and want us in their lives. Yet most are too scared. And the older we get, the more scared men get… as there are too many boxes to worry about - his kids, her kids, living together, not living together, not being burnt again, moving across town or to the other side of the world, wanting more kids, combined money, happy being a bachelor, etc etc… making any decision to make a move to find happiness with someone all too hard.

Arrghhh… so maybe the only thing to do is just enjoy life for what it is…. wait for Mr Brave to ask you a direct question, so you know exactly what he's thinking, exacting what he's wanting, and you can make a decision, because you know that he's found his box of happy in you.

Judging Children Before they have a Chance

I watched a comedian do a speech on TED today and it made me realise how brainwashed we are in believing that the best most upstanding, professional people in this world come from stable, functional nuclear families. It couldn't be more farther than the truth.

There are thousands, if not millions of people who have made successes out of themselves because of their harsh upbringings. They are either orphans, foster children, adopted children, children from single parent families and even having a stint as a homeless child… yet society expects people to judge these children as 'no hoper,' 'dole-bludging,' 'criminals in the making' children or adolescents because they haven't been given the fine foundation of a loving, happily married family environment.

One thing I have noticed in this world, is that there are possibly as many unhappy marriages as there are divorces in this world… leaving about 5-10% of all marriages actually being happy. Some are happy with the life that they lead by being married to a particular person - either classifying them by occupation or elitism in society, some feel that they couldn't be happier if they left so they stick with what they know. Some 'put up' with their spouse, or co-exist if you like because it's 'easier' than 1) splitting the finances in half, 2) finding a new partner to share your life with or 3) keeping up appearances. But deep down, there is no vitality between them that keeps them 'in love.' Therefore, their children see this idea of love and marriage, and many see it for what it is, and don't want anything to do with it.

When it comes to famous or successful people in this world who were either orphaned, fostered, adopted or from a single parent family, the first people I think of are Oprah Winfrey, Tom Cruise, Steve Jobs, Marilyn Monroe, John Lennon, Malcolm X and Nelson Mandela.  All were influential people of their time, and still are. Homeless celebrities include Kelly Clarkson, Jennifer Lopez, Jim Carrey, Drew Carrey, Kurt Cobain, Dr Phil, Martin Sheen, Kelsey Grammar, just a few to do what it takes to make a career in Hollywood, comedy or music. Other actors and singers include Eddie Murphy, Pierce Brosnan, James Dean, Willie Nelson, Madonna, Ingrid Bergman, Jodie Foster, Paul McCartney, Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore, Eartha Kitt, Cher and Ice T. Other celebrities who have been influential people in our lives include Babe Ruth, Dr Ruth, Dr Wayne Dyer, Jesse Jackson, Eleanor Roosevelt, Dave Thomas (founder of Wendys), Bill Clinton, Lance Armstrong and the lists seriously go on and on.

So don't you find it interesting, that it most beloved stories of heroes and heroines growing up to fight adversity, almost all are from an orphaned, fostered, adopted or single parent family? Superman, Spiderman, Batman, Jane Eyre, Harry Potter, James Bond, Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, Cinderella, David Copperfield, Green Hornet, Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights), Heidi, Snow White, Tarzan, Oliver Twist, Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker, Little Orphan Annie, Lone Ranger, Paddington Bear, Pollyanna and Wolverine and even religious icons such as Mohammed, Moses and Saint Nicholas, were orphaned, homeless or from single parent families?   Are authors just glorifying their life path to give the extremes and harshness of no love, no money, no body in their lives to help them overcome their quest for invincibility, magic and power? Or do they write to show that we all have 'happy ever after' stories of someone caring enough to love them?

Can we conclude that children have more resilience and yearn to be better if they have had a 'disadvantaged' start in life, therefore have a bigger hunger to make something of themselves in both fiction and real life? I think so… Children who have been given a hard start know what it's like to miss out, and strive to make their lives better no matter what. These are the people we want to run our countries, these are the people who we want to aspire to be. I will never look down on a homeless person, an adopted person, an orphaned person or one from a single parent family because they will be the stars in this world, and make this place a better place. There's no room for judgement in this world… only happiness and peace, especially for our children.

En français!

Last night, I attended my first Interactive French class at a place called 'A French Journey.' It's a sweet little set of studios at the back of a French patisserie in Hampton. I have always wanted to learn French fluently. I studied it in high school for 4 years, I had a Swiss pen-pal in those years who wrote to me in French and I wrote to her in English (I met up with her for the first time last year in Geneva but her English was so far more superior to my French). I will admit, I let some of the learning fade away over the years, but some of it stuck with me, and last night, it was like all these words and memories were coming back to me like they were all inside me waiting to be set free.

The romantic in me was hoping that there would be some beautiful single man either teaching the class or attending the class… but no… sorry to disappoint me again! The French teacher was a 29 year old French native from Biarritz in the south of France named Sarah, who is just beautiful in every way and the class was two old high school friends in their mid 50s, one who brought her whinging husband along, and a very quiet 44 year old woman only 6 weeks away from her trip to Paris.

Our first class was about introducing ourselves… hence the reason why I know the ages of my classmates! We learnt formal and informal greetings and ways we can talk about ourselves, from what we do, where we are from, if we are married/single, how many children we have, if we have a pet, what our name is, how old we are, etc. All the masculine and feminine articles came back, but we were given a few hints on how to recognise the gender of the words, which I never got at school. Also there were some helpful hints in pronunciation that I don't recall getting from school.

At the end, we were given a little slice of French cake - it was like a chocolate hazelnut mousse, with a slice of lemon tart and sponge cake all in one. Very yummy, but very decadent. I actually requested to be part of a French and food class, but unfortunately, they didn't have the numbers to substantiate a class, so I joined the Interactive French class instead (I would have preferred to have been cooking and trying out different French foods!)

I read something the other day, that learning a language in your adult years is better than doing all those brain games on Lumosity, Brain Training, etc, and actually stops you from developing diseases like Alzheimer's etc. As I said, I would love to be fluent in French, and I hope I can keep it up to become fluent, then immerse myself in the French culture for a year or so in a provence in France. But that's the dream… one day, it will (I will be positive)... happen!

USA vs Canada Ice Hockey… in Melbourne?!

Last night, the boys and I went to see our first ice-hockey match. Now as a bit of a background, my oldest son has always wanted to play ice-hockey, but as it's very limited in Melbourne to play it, he took up field hockey about 5 years ago. When we planned to move to the States a few years back, he was excited that he could at last play with a regular team, however, that didn't happen (as we never made it there). He now plays goalie for his hockey club, and we have been ice-skating a few times, but that's as far as we have come. In Melbourne, it's a very expensive sport, possibly $1000 to set yourself up, $1000+ a year in game and rink fees, plus finding the time to travel to the city once or twice a week, as there is only one suburban rink, and it's not very good. So you can imagine how excited he was when we saw on the TV a few months ago that there was a USA vs Canada game playing in our home town. We just had to buy tickets (and it was part of his birthday present).

We decided as we walked up the stairs to the stadium, that I would be on the USA side, the boys on the Canadian side…. but of course, they had to eat the American food of corn dogs and hot dogs!

They converted Rod Laver Arena (famous for being centre court for the Australian Tennis Open) into an ice-rink and the magic began. This was the 4th game of a 5 game series, as they had already played two games in Perth, one in Brisbane and they were off to Sydney for the last game tonight.

The night started with a fireworks display and some ice-dancers, all the hockey players came out for a warm up, we sang (or attempted to) sing the national anthems for each team and the game began.

Within a minute of the game starting, an on-rink fight started, with everything from throwing the gloves and stick to losing the helmet. I gathered this would be a regular occurrence as part of the 'entertainment of the game', but besides one more smaller scuffle, it didn't seem to be so. Canada scored quickly, not one, but 2 goals. I was thinking this was supposed to be like field hockey - a low scoring game, but it didn't seem that way.

By the top of the first period the score was level 2-2.

I was sitting next to a native Canadian with his Australian mates, and literally surrounded by other Canadian supporters, so each time I waved my USA flag, I was getting a light hearted boo from the native Canadian.

With 20 minutes between each game play, there was time for the 'kiss cam' and 'dance cam' to roam around the audience. They had Olympian ice-dancers, unknown singers and 2 marriage proposals throughout the night. The Mexican wave and beach balls made appearances and there was plenty of music to keep us entertained… The main commentator for the evening was losing his voice badly throughout the night. Each time he interviewed a player, he could barely get out the words, and it gave the native Canadian and I something to talk about. (PS, he was really cute, surprisingly only 3 years older than me - I thought he was younger, but married with 2 kids… why are the nice ones always married?) 

By the top of the second period, the score was level 4-4. It was going to be a close game.

My youngest actually LOVED the night. He is usually a pain to get him to go anywhere, especially stadium events, as his ears can't tolerate loud noises (due to ear infections at a young age) and he can't cope with crowds, so we've been avoiding stadiums, theatres, concerts, etc. So hopefully we can be a bit more adventurous and see a few more live events.

At the third period, USA ran away from Canada, and the crowd was getting a little quiet (as it would have been an 80% Canadian crowd, 20% USA crowd). 

By the end of the game, it was USA 7 - Canada 4. 

But in the end, it didn't matter, we all had an awesome time. It was a full house in a country that doesn't  consider ice-hockey a local sport, which is amazing. And of course, I had to buy the boys Canada jerseys to take home. It's all part of the fun.

Day 5 - Social Media Ignorance! :)

I can't believe how much I've actually fitted into the last few days. Between work and the boys, we've had a pretty jam packed timetable, and I really don't know how I've managed to include social media into my life and kept going…. so some positives about social media not being in my life.

1. Low-carb, paleo-esque diet is keeping me awake, happy and less moody, which I guess equals more energy. Generally have eggs and either veggies or bacon for breakfast, either yoghurt with fruit, cold meat and salad or a protein shake for lunch, and dinner is meat (chicken, pork, salmon, meatballs, steak, etc) with steamed, roasted or stir-fried veggies. I've been snacking on almonds and shredded coconut. Drinking lots of lemon-infused water and peppermint tea. My naughty indulgences have been a handful of jelly lollies, two bites of white chocolate, a tablespoon of mashed potato, a glass of wine and some butterscotch self-saucing pudding. I guess it's not too bad for 4 days. I have lost 1.1 kilos, so I guess that's a good start.

2. Morning walks to the beach and up and down the 108 steps a couple of times. That really is my only exercise.

3. Getting more work done during the day so I can sleep better at night, not worrying that I still have to work in the morning. That really all depends on when my last appointments are in the day… The later the appointment, the harder it is to get it done before the onslaught of family time invades the evening.

4. Time to read a book.

5. Time to have more laughs with my boys, as well as help them with their homework.

6. I've organised a couple of coffee catch ups with old friends.

7. Being ignorant to what everyone thinks, does and posts.

8. Not thinking about what I'm missing out on!

Negatives about not having social media in my life:

1. Saying Happy Birthday to friends who I don't have contact with outside of Facebook.

2. Getting messages through Facebook that pop up on my phone that I really want to answer (ok, ok… I did once, hence one of the coffee dates.) (I have moved Facebook and Messenger to the back lists on my phone rather than deleting them… more out of sight, out of mind).

Life is good… and can only get better, by staying positive and being in-tune with what your body, mind and spirit need.

Day One of Social Media Ignorance!

At midnight, I announced to my friends and colleagues on my personal Facebook account that I will be having a sabbatical from Facebook for a month to focus on things that I need to do. It was weird, as I fell straight asleep, the first time in months, if not years, without worrying about what news, comments or funny anecdotes I was missing throughout the middle of the night.

The point of the exercise is to focus my time on the things that are important - my kids, my work, my bills, my health, my face-to-face friendships and my personal development to actually make things happen. To help my kids in any way I can with their homework and upbringing, to dedicate more time to writing my next best-seller and pursue new avenues for my novel, to exercise more and come up with a healthier style of eating that works for us all, to enjoy more lunch and evening dates with friends,  to develop a better inner balance, to nurture my mind with different cultures and professional opportunities and be helpful to whomever needs my help.

So far, Day One was a breeze! Dexter and I went for a longer walk than usual to the beach and up and down its steep staircases and ramped paths. We bumped into two people we knew, with just a short chat with an ex-neighbour, which was really nice. I have decided to go on a low-carb diet (well, I should actually say 'lifestyle change'), so the morning started with boiled eggs and lemon infused water. After tackling my quarterly tax statement, I went grocery shopping for the new lifestyle foods, trying to stay away from processed foods where I could (just a few snacks for the boys, and bread for their sandwiches). After getting all the groceries in the fridge and pantry, I made the boys and I some lunch, and a tomato salsa to accompany dinner, tackled a little bit of homework for my youngest son, then we had a little table tennis tournament, before heading out to see 'Jersey Boys', thanks to a generous gift of movie tickets from a family I helped edit their webpages for their daughter's dance studio website. We came home and I took Dexter for a wee walk before finishing dinner, then had some TV time, where after some light entertainment of "The Voice Kids" came the horrors that have lit up the Australian news in the last week of The Alison Baden-Clay murder and the MH17 flight.

For those who don't know, Alison Baden-Clay was a beautiful wife, mother, daughter sister and friend, murdered by her own husband in Brisbane, Australia. He was having constant affairs and always putting his wife down for her cooking, her housework, her appearance and her mothering. He had one affair for 4 years, sometimes even cheating on his mistress with other women. The thing is… I can so relate to this. The stories coming out after he was found guilty, all the characteristics and all the events leading up to her disappearance and murder, all were characteristics of my marriage and affair I had with a married man. The narcissistic demeanour of the men I have been involved with in my 22 years of adulthood screamed to me that if I allowed either relationship to continue, or if I had actually moved to be nearer to my internet lover, then someone would have been killed. Both men were highly derogatory if things weren't going their way. Both men struggled with their ability to live within their means and debts to possibly consider doing away with someone for the sake of life insurance. Both of them had violent tempers. One of them even admitted to me one day that he had the knowledge in how to kill someone without it looking like a murder because of his profession, while the other had learnt specific martial art moves that could kill, and would freely suggest he could do them. One of them even pull out a gun in front of me with the intent to use it on himself. These are not normal conversations and actions of someone with a sound mind. But for the mistress, all her confessions about the love she had for the murderer, sounds so familiar. I loved him unconditionally and was ultra forgiving towards him, as she was, but now hope never to be in the same space as him ever again… they both disgust me… yet I'm also regretful for allowing things to last as long as they did, and that I was so naive to not get out sooner.

So that's my reflection on the day… no Facebook, quite productive and really not a minute of time missing Facebook or twiddling my thumbs. I got lots of cuddles from my boys and Dexter the dog and don't feel a bit hungry or lacking in energy after Day One of the Low-Carb lifestyle. We'll see how the work week goes! But now, time to read my book… Night x

Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

Somedays I wonder, in my single mother life, if I could do without the loves and loathes, and really time-wasting of social media. For me, as a self-employed sole trader, adult conversation can be rare, but is becoming more regular as my boys get older and more independent/social. For so many years, I relied on social media, Skype and the phone as my only adult outlet to talk to friends, as many of my closest friends live overseas or interstate, but as social media sites like Facebook get bombarded with advertising, campaigning and protesting, you wonder if, for that small snippet of seeing that your friends are enjoying life, is it worth scanning through your news feed, through all the 'junk mail' to see something that makes you happy or laugh?

But then you see something you don't like, for instance, a bit of cyber-bullying, the repercussions of a conversation you've had off social media that's gone wrong, or even one of your friends becoming friends with someone you would rather steer away from. Wouldn't it be nice to be ignorant of it all?

The joy of being focused on 'you' rather than on others is quite liberating. You don't have to worry about what others are thinking of you, you don't have to worry about the outcomes of other's posts on something you've written or posted. You can be yourself, you can do what you want, and you have time to do it, as you aren't focusing on others through social media outlets.

Yet the Catch 22 of it all, is that you want to share your joys with people, shout it out to the world that you're proud of your kids, managed to cross something off your bucket list, got a promotion at work, met the man of your dreams… whatever it is, you want people to be happy for you, and Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc are great places to get that instant gratification (or not, when you hope for more likes that you actually get).

It is hard as a single parent to get the balance of real people time and social media people time… There are some absolutely beautiful moments to be shared between friends on social media, and other times the worry, hurt and frustrations can be overwhelming and dominate your thoughts. Yet the best moments are always shared in person… some are easy, others almost impossible due to finances, time and opportunity restrictions.

I am going to challenge myself to be social media free for a month, maybe more, just to make time to focus on me, my boys and my dreams. I will start next weekend… July 20. I will write a diary style blog of how I'm feeling about removing myself from Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and Twitter, any benefits, and any losses… and see if I cave. I will post on Facebook/Twitter directly from my blog without actually looking at the websites. I've put it in my calendar, and I will see if ignorance is really bliss! Happy to have any of my readers face the same challenge.

Dating 101

Over the weekend, I had three encounters with three different men. All with different intentions, but all trying somehow to win me over. If I could take the good out of all of them and put them into one person, that would be perfect, but sadly, all but one had some positives and negatives. I'm going to put a compilation of all the goods and the bads, to show potential suitors of any single mother what they want to hear, and what will send them away. But first I must outline the scenarios.

Encounter One: A married work colleague who I told only a few weeks ago that I wasn't prepared to go out with him because I was tired of being someone's second or someone's secret, and he told me that he would contact me again in this capacity when he had moved out of home. However, he thinly disguised a 'date' by asking me to lunch to talk 'business' in a marketing capacity, which I didn't really appreciate, but because it's work, I sort of had to go.

Encounter Two: A brunch date with a guy I kissed back in high school, 27 years ago. We met up on Facebook about 18 months ago and have been keen to see each other since. He currently is in a committed relationship with a woman and they have a toddler, and home is almost 2000kms away. To me, it was a catch up chat and it would be awesome to see him after so long as a mate.

Encounter Three: A Skype date with my first love from about the same time frame as Encounter Two. We have been friends again for the last 5 years, but he lives in another country. I'm enjoying being friends with him, and we get along really well. It's just hard that we live so far away, because we do have a lot in common, and we are currently both single. Thank goodness for Skype!

Negatives first I think….

• Don't be late. One of these men were over 20 minutes late and I was about to walk out. The other was waiting for half an hour for me (I turned up on time) and explained that he was early because he didn't know how long it would take for him to get there. The other was right on time.
• Don't tell a woman that she had such a hot body when she was in high school and that she could do with some exercise now. Ummm… this is what happens when you've had 2 kids, and an exceptional amount of stress from a volatile marriage and then divorce. Live with it!
• Don't tell a woman that you think her kids are spoiled. As a single mum, you are both mum and dad, and you give your kids all you've got, and are self-sacrificing as a result.
• Don't tell a woman that you think that we should make a go of it, because we chatted for 2 hours and were never lost for words, so we must do it again. Ummm… you talk to be polite and to get to know someone. My longest first date ever was 5.5 hours of just talking, and you could feel the relationship growing as we went along, so 2 hours is nothing, and it means nothing.
• Don't tell another woman that your partner knows that you will never leave her. Doesn't ever make the other woman feel any good about herself.
• Don't kiss and run.
• Don't try to get a woman drunk by buying 2 bottles of wine on a lunch date, hoping to seduce her. She is only going to think you are a pisshead and you have complete disregard for driving laws and the rest of society.
• Don't be arrogant.
• Don't put down the way she lives her life, believing that you have a better way of life.
• Don't take advantage of her time.
• Don't undermine her intelligence.
• Don't have your cell/mobile phone on. It will never make her feel important if you keep checking it or talking to it. Make her feel wanted.
• Never make her sit and wait for you. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and out of place.
• Don't bring up the negatives from past relationships.

Positives:

• Order for your woman. It's nice to see a man take charge.
• Pay for the date, but don't be over the top in wasting money/showing off your wealth.
• Compliment her… tell her she looks nice.
• Smile at her from across the room, like you are mesmerised by her.
• Laugh at your weaknesses, to show you are vulnerable too.
• Enjoy her company.
• Hesitate to say goodbye/end the date.
• Tell her when there will be a next time… courage and confidence in knowing exactly when you can see each other again is always something to look forward to, for both parties.
• Listen to her.
• Give her your undivided attention always.
• Take her for a walk after your meal… it's nice to have a chat without having the background noise of a cafe/restaurant.
• Stare at her affectionately, not like a stalker.
• Engage in eye contact.
• Talk about positive things in your life and bring out the positive things in your date's life. 
• Enjoy her.
• Make her feel safe.
• Acknowledge her children - either talk to them, talk about them positively or ask her to say hello to them. She is a package deal, and if you can't accept them in her life, she can't accept you.
• Most importantly, MAKE HER LAUGH!

And then there is Encounter No 4 (a phone call today)… someone who knows I like him, does everything to flirt with me, feels compassionate about the fact that I like him, yet does nothing about it besides tease me with his irresistible wit and charismatic voice. Calls me today to ask for something (work related), then tells me that he gets to see me in a couple of days and is looking forward to it! AARRGGHH!! Super frustrating because he is single, local and we get along so well!

But then I guess it's good to finally start getting some attention, even if the attention doesn't always have the right intentions, it's nice to feel wanted. Oh, the conflict!

Dexter's Diary

Last weekend, when we went to New Zealand, Dexter stayed with some friends in the country. My friend was nice enough to write Dexter's diary while we were away… and here it is…

My Weekend away from my Family

Day 1.
Started out as normal although everyone was home on a  school/work day. That wasn't normal but it was nice. We went for a drive and met Aunty G. Then I found myself in a strange car and my family was gone. I cried a bit, I tried to be brave, but I was a bit sad. Then the car stopped and I got out and I knew where I was. I had a sniff around and tried to lift my leg for a wee but was still a bit wobbly from my travel pills, so I just squatted. I tried to eat some kangaroo poo but Aunty G made me spit it out. We went inside and Rosy was surprised to see me. We played together for a while and had something to eat, then we went for a walk. That was fun! Rosy got to run around off the lead but I had to stay on mine. I still got to run though with Aunty G. When we came back, I decided to sit on the deck and wait for my family to come across the road from my house, but they didn't come.

 I came back inside and played with Rosy for a while. Then Aunty and Uncle G had to go out for dinner, so I had to stay in the laundry but that was OK, cos I needed to rest by then. Luckily Mum put some puppy pads in my bag because I needed a wee while they were out. When they came home, we played a bit more and I forgot to go outside and did a poo in the office - Whoops! I didn't get in trouble though. Rosy and I went outside for a wee then it was bed time. Back to the laundry for me. It wasn't too bad, I was good and slept all night. I didn't have to use the puppy bad again.

Day 2.
Uncle G got up early because he was working. He let me out for a wee and he let me stay in the lounge until Aunty G and Rosy got up. I just curled up on Rosy's spot on the lounge.

Rosy was a bit grumpy when she got up and didn't want to play, but she came around eventually and we played for a little while. I kept going out on the deck waiting for my family to come. I checked out the back yard to see if there was a way out but no luck. Oh Good! It's walks time! We walked around to see Uncle V and Maggie, but Uncle V was in bed and wouldn't get up, but we got to say hello to Maggie. We went to see a friend of Rosy's… that was fun! Her name is Molly. I think she liked me because she kept following me around the backyard. When we got back we were really hungry after all the exercise, so we had a snack and a drink then we got really tired and had a nap… zzzzzzzzz….

Awake now and Uncle G just got home from work. We gave him a nice welcome. Rosy and I had some playtime. We were running around the lounge and chewing up pine cones. We made a bit of a mess but the old people didn't seem to mind. 

It's dinner time and Rosy's having my puppy food. I know that smell, but they won't let me have any. I've just got the same old boring dry food. Oh now it's "Party Time" as Uncle V is here. He finally got out of bed!! After he went home we had some quiet time, watching TV, then it was bed time. I didn't scratch at the door and I didn't need to use the puppy pad… Aunty G was pleased.

Day 3…

Morning again and I had a good sleep. I had some toast for breakfast. I liked that. I spend some time outside in the fresh air, then it was walk time. I nearly got to eat some more kangaroo poo, but Aunty G's right onto me! I don't see the problem with it, I'm sure it's gotta be better than dry food. I'm sitting in the lounge now watching football with Uncle G. I'm not really watching it, as I'm thinking about my family. Uncle V came over again for "Party Time." There is a lot of partying going on in this home. While the olds were having their fun, Rosy and I had lots of our own fun playing. After Uncle V went home, we had a bit of quiet time watching TV then some more play time. I had a few treats tonight. Aunty G gave me a little bit of Rosy's food and I wasn't sick. And Uncle V brought some sausage rolls and they were really yummy. It's bed time now, but I don't really want to sleep in the laundry anymore. I'm trying to avoid it. I'm hiding on the chair hoping she won't notice. Oh no, she found me. Now I'm off… to the laundry… It's not so bad. Goodnight.

Day 4…

Uncle G woke me up this morning. When he let me out of the laundry I was having a lovely sleep. I went outside for a while then I went upstairs to say Good Morning to Aunty G and she gave me lots of morning cuddles. Rosy and I played tug of war then we had some bacon and egg for breakfast. Uncle J came over too, and he was nice to me. After Uncle J left I saw my family's car come up the road, so I got extra excited. They came around the back and I was so happy to see them. I jumped over my brothers and they rolled on the floor with me. I enjoyed my time with Aunty and Uncle G and Rosy, but I was happy to go home with my family. Thanks for looking after me Aunty and Uncle G! xx

Earthquake City

Last weekend, we went to Christchurch. The last time I was there, was almost 6 years ago, and the city has been rocked with earthquakes since. I also had my own car and a GPS this time, so I was able to hone in on places I visited 30+ years ago. The one thing I loved about Christchurch is it's ability to stand tall. Even though the streets looked like a war zone of witch's hats and crumbling bitumen, somehow a community is still working, still going to school, still shopping and still enjoying their town… and it is still a very pretty town in places.

Our first stop for the morning was the Christchurch CBD. We parked in a metered parking area with no meter, just outside a make-shift retail sector created completely out of shipping containers. It… looked… awesome!

We stopped for brunch in one of the cafes in this little commune - the boys had pancakes and I had portacello mushrooms on toast - yum!

We then went to check out the Quake Experience, which really wasn't s good as they made it out to be. However, it did have a lot of artefacts of iconic buildings that crumbled to the ground.

We walked along the boulevard and found the Cathedral, a symbol of how heartbreaking the earthquakes of September 2011 and February 2012 actually were.

But don't you love how they have dressed up their city with so much colour to take away the tragic appearances of the devastation?

We then got back into the car and went to find the house my dad grew up in… when we got there, the street was filled with paddocks and only one or two houses left in the street. Can you imagine, a street and even a suburb literally 2-3 kilometres from the centre of town completely dissolved by a natural disaster? Apparently, the ground sunk about a metre...

After that, we went to my cousins house so our boys could play together for the last time. For some reason a cardboard box was entertaining enough for them, until the big guns came out… literally! My cousin showed my boys how to do target shooting with bb guns, and then pulled out his mini quad bike for them to take spins out on the neighbouring school oval.

They had so much fun together! I'm sure it won't be long till we can bring them together again.

Christchurch is still such a lovely town, with friendly people and loads of fun-filled, action packed things to do. I'm sure we will make another trip over there soon.

Saying Goodbye...

This weekend, we went to New Zealand to say our final farewell to my one and only blood aunt who died after a short illness aged 65. Really really young…

I started to get to know her properly in the last ten years when she stayed over at my home a few times for other family occasions. We had little chats about life, family and our outlooks on life, and in many ways we were very similar, which surprised me in one way yet was comforting in another, as for many years I couldn't understand the upbringing I had had, with the lack of extended family around us and the 'practical attitude' of life that was instilled into me, when I was always yearning for family to show that they cared and had compassion, and somehow, through this aunt, I found it was possible.

The day itself overwhelmed me in many ways… and I will say 'overwhelmed' overwhelmingly too much, but it was just that… overwhelming. My boys and I arrived at my cousins house around 10.30am  on the day of the funeral. My cousin's daughter gave me a running hug, so excited to see me, and I was so overwhelmed by it, as I'd never had someone welcome me with so much gusto, being so pleased to see me. It instantly brought me to tears. We went inside to see my cousin and she asked us if we wanted to see her mum/my aunt, as she was lying in her coffin on her bed. We went into the room and she was lying there, so peaceful, yet you could see the life was taken out of her. It was strange, yet hard to see at the same time, because she always had so much love to give. She was in an eco-friendly coffin, designed to write messages on it from the grieving. So the boys and I wrote our little messages with brightly coloured pens, gem stickers and drawings.

We then helped blow up some helium balloons, so that they could be released as a final tribute. My boys had fun blowing and tying up the balloons, but also sucking on the helium. My other cousin, the son of my aunt turned up with his two boys and his wife, and my boys and their boys were instantly friends.

The funeral was at 2pm… We arrived at around 1.40pm, and the car park was already full with t parking attendants directing the traffic. There would have been at least 400 people there. I got to see my uncle, who 18 months ago I got to see for the first time in about 28 years, and see his wife and their boys (who are my age and older) who I hadn't seen since I was nine. Again, it was all overwhelming for me being in the same space as my distant family, but have so much heartfelt love for each other. My uncle gave me plenty of hugs, hugs that were warm and tender, something I had never felt from my own father. It boggles me that they can be related. The funeral itself was lovely, and full of tears, especially when my aunt's best friend of 60 years talked, and my cousin's daughter talked. At the end, my cousin asked me to step in to be a pallbearer… There I was standing there with my aunt's brother, her son-in-law, her daughter, her son, her nephew and her niece… me, carrying her out of the chapel. We placed her in the car, grabbed the balloons and handed them out to all the family members and released them as the car drove off. My cousin's husband is Maori, and his Maori friends stood in a line in the driveway as a mark of respect to say goodbye. It was almost too perfect… it was the perfect send off for my beautiful aunt.

They say some people know when it's time to leave this world, and my aunt had it in her heart that she wanted to go. The stories I heard about her last weeks, seemed like she did everything she ever wanted, including seeing her children and grandchildren in the right places in their lives. There was only one thing she wanted to do, that she didn't get round to doing… one final trip to Australia, a trip where she could be herself and do what she wanted without being a burden on family. She wanted to leave, and we must all respect her wish, even though we will miss her terribly and always love her.

Goodbye lovely lady...

Family Fun Day!

Yesterday we had a public holiday in Melbourne, and after a weekend of feeling a little ordinary for two of us, a bit of homework, a bit of catch up shopping and a lot of relaxing, I took the boys into the city for a Family Fun Day. I do one of these every now and again, to 1) get my kids out of the house, 2) show them a side of the world that they may not be familiar with, 3) to just embrace life.

Everything, while not planned, was timed perfectly for the day. We arrived at the train station with just 2 minutes before the train departed, we arrived at our destination with just 5 minutes before the 1/2 hour show started… and I had happy boys (sometimes it's like pulling teeth to go to places that they haven't been to before, but yesterday it wasn't).

Our first destination was the Old Melbourne Gaol. Something I should have gone to as a child as a school excursion, but never did, and it was always in the back of my mind to go. We first were treated like a criminal in the Watch House by a Sergeant, who locked us up in the darkened cells and were explained why and some of the infamous 'who's' who entered the Watch House before they were sentenced in court.

After playing taking our photos as mugshots and in jail, we went to the actual gaol and were amazed by the thickness of the bluestone walls, the darkness of the entire building and the smallness of the individual cells. Some may feel it's inhumane, but somewhere there must be a balance of what was once and the $40,000 per prisoner per year lifestyle they have now, after all, some do treat prison as a home away from home, as they are afforded so many luxuries in prison they may not even get at home. My boys played with the Ned Kelly armour, saw the hanging platform and peeped through the peep holes. My oldest son thought it was much better than he expected, my youngest son thought that it would be better, as he wanted to see real life prisoners…. Me don't think so!

After the Gaol, we went to Strike Bowling to have a game of ten-pin bowling. It took us a while
to get going, but my youngest ended up with the only strike (with bumpers), and I got a couple of spares (without bumpers), but all in all it was a bit of fun. The boys then wanted to play a bit of air-hockey and test their boxing punch, before we decided that we were a little bit hungry.

We then walked the streets of Melbourne, through the arcades,  and my youngest needed a Onesie suit for the school pyjama party this Friday, so we found him the dinosaur suit he was after. (love killing two birds with one stone!) We walked through the new Emporium building and beyond to our favourite little French Belgian waffle maker. The boys had their waffles and some Orangina - our favourite French beverage, and I decided to go the ham and brie baguette… So Yum!

As we had a few more things to do when we got home, we headed to Flinders Street station and the boys filled up at the Candy Station, and I indulged in a Spanish hot chocolate with a splash of hazelnut… OMG you must try!

The sun was shining so beautifully, my boys were behaving the best they ever had on one of our little adventures and we had lots of laughs, hugs and silliness which makes it the perfect day out. As my oldest is a teenager next month, I'm not sure how many more of these days are left in us, but I will cherish each and every one of them from here on in. Love my boys!

Gratitude...

I'm the kind of person who needs to be on the go! I need something to drive me, something to look forward to and someone to be there for me so I can motivate myself to be my best. And at the moment, I really do feel like I'm in a lull… I am slowly sending out my manuscript to literary agents to get an agent, I thought I had a mutual love interest but sadly it wasn't as mutual as I thought and my work has slowed down. This time of year, I usually escape to the other side of the world because work is typically slow, but this year, it hasn't happened. So as I miss all the things that aren't happening - love, travel and opportunity, yet I express gratitude for the little things in each day that make each day special. For today, a fairly lazy Sunday, I was able to:

• Have the time to cook my boys French toast for breakfast and make freshly squeezed orange juice.
• go to bed feeling a little sick, but woke up feeling better
• Have my dog Dexter was snuggling up to me at night
• See the spots on my chin that I woke up to yesterday morning have cleared away
• Have a lovely walk along the beach with Dexter this morning and be able to take some gorgeous pics
• 
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• Be able to breathe in the fresh air
• Be able to touch base with a couple of amazing friends
• Cook my boys some cupcakes
• Have a no-car day
• Enjoy the warmth of my Ugg boots
• Be able to sit down and read some more of the current book (I've been trying to read it for almost 4 months now… I've been struggling with getting into it, but somehow I'm now up to page 167 of 499 and I'm starting to see the light… not sure how this book is considered to be a best seller… well I do - the highly anticipated next novel from an acclaimed author, great marketing and people buying it… just not sure if those buying it are actually reading it and recommending it as it's a really hard read - lots of ideas, history and an assortment of language mixed in).
• See Dexter playing at the park with all his other dog friends
• Love a hot shower (but wish I had a bath)
• Get cuddles, cheekiness and laughs from my boys

And I am truly grateful for all the amazing things that are in my life, so many more fulfilling things that so many people can't experience or have in their lives due to finances, proximity or people in their lives. One day, the things that I feel are missing will come, or be superseded by something more powerful, and that's always something to look forward to, even if there isn't a definitive date.

How Do You Decide?

How many times have you been in a situation that someone tells you they like you, someone you never really could see yourself with or never even considered him/her, only to find yourself thinking of the possibilities?

I've decided that that particular situation is called 'settling.' Someone likes you, they boost your ego because you feel adored by that person, they give you so much attention, yet that person really isn't the person for you. You talk yourself into taking on their interests, or enjoying that side to their personality, but one day you know, you will resent them for things that weren't true to you.

The hardest thing of all is finding mutual attraction, mutual interests and a mutual love. And then it's being on the same page at the same time. So many factors that can make the right people for each other not ever actually be together. It's so frustrating.

For instance, my very first boyfriend said to me when we broke up back in 1988 that he loved me but now is not the right time, but one day it will be the right time. I held onto that thought… possibly naively knowing that one day we would find each other again. And we did… but he now lives in London, and me in Melbourne. We've communicated now for almost 5 years, initially when he had a girlfriend, but now, we are both single, yet on other sides of the world. But through those 5 years of communicating, I've worked out that we could never be a couple for many reasons, but it's so good still having him as a friend.

As for my most recent love interest, everything on paper makes us perfect to be together - we get along like a house on fire, we have kids the same age, we are both divorced, there isn't any huge age difference between us, we work in similar fields, we both have a love for travel and our kids, everything feels right in so many ways, yet the one little thing that's holding him back is that his separation was about a year ago, and I just feel he's just not ready to jump into anything… or maybe he feels he would be 'settling' with me (even though I am a fabulous catch!).

I had another interested party contact me recently who showed some serious interest in me, but for how sweet and loveable he is, I know I would be settling, as I'm not attracted to him and in the situation he's in now, I know I'm worth more.

And that's the reality of it all… you have to work out your self worth. It's not about being picky or having someone give you an ego boost because it's been so long since you've felt wanted, desired or even just loved; it's about what sits right for you, how comfortable you are with that person, and how much they treasure and respect the beauty that's in you and you can reciprocate. That's when you know you have mutuality… that's when you know it's right.

One Door Closes and Another Door Opens

Some days you know you need to let the things that are bogging you down go. You know… the things that don't sit right with you - it could be a job, a friendship that's passed it's expiry date, a marriage, a way of thinking or belief, a political agenda, an association… Those things that somehow, the harder you hold onto them, the worse the situations that surround the people involved get. Maybe it's because your attitude towards them is constantly in the negative and you can't see any positive in them anymore, or possibly everything that's not sitting right with you is proving their point. Either way, when you get to that turning point that you need to make a decision, and quick, a massive sense of relief overwhelms you.

I had one of those situations during the week. You all know that I was involved with a married man for a good 2.5 years. And I vowed that I would never do it again, as I felt like I don't want to be someone's secret friend or be in second place.  A few months back, my neighbour put my details on an internet dating site on a drunken night. Another thing I thought I would never do again, based on sifting through all the crap to get to that possible 'one.' Instantly a local man showed some interest. He said he was separated and wanted a relationship that gave him an opportunity to communicate. Ticking both boxes for me. After about a month of texting, we got together, but it was always at my place. He wouldn't take me out, he didn't tell me his surname (and as far as I'm concerned, I have no idea if his first name is real). I questioned his marital status from the very start, and he gradually let me in. He told me it was complicated!! That he'd been separated for 2 years from his wife in the physical sense - she had been living with her parents, but he was still financially responsible for her, as she has a serious mental illness. He needed his in-laws to look after his wife, but also his children when he went overseas for business, so it was a married he literally couldn't get out from until his children had left school. I felt sorry for him, because it was a real Catch 22.

I thought I would give it a go, test him a little to see how 'ready' he was to actually find some happiness for himself, yet the more and more we spent time together the more withdrawn he became. He kept promising me to take me out for lunch or breakfast, but did it only once - and the whole 25 minutes we were at the cafe, he couldn't sit still - had to make phone calls outside, go to the toilet and was eager to get away. He sat down to order his meal and eat it, that's it. And all he could say to me was 'what else is happening?' He would never offer any information about himself. I just felt that I'd been conned by a weak married man again.

He only had his phone number and he only ever texted me, so I figured that would be the way that I would break up with him. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. He told me from the very start that he would give me a fair relationship, yet none of what we had was fair. I told him again how I didn't want to be someone's secret friend and how he treated me like that from the very start and nothing had changed. I told him that I couldn't be with someone who wasn't true to themselves, as I wouldn't be true to myself. I wished him to find happiness and signed off. He wrote back 'deeply apologising and saying how much he respects how I live my life (I guess, that's a stab at the way I don't respect his life) and how he finds it difficult to talk about himself, due to his unconventional marriage, and he was sorry for any hurt he had caused. So I closed the door…

The next day, I was waiting at a property to write up its advertising copy, and it was in a seedy part of town. There was a man lying on a mattress under a blanket at 12 Noon just metres away from the entrance of the apartment block I needed to go to, and the area is known for street walkers and drugs. So 'waiting' out the front of an apartment block for a real estate agent isn't the best thing to be doing.  I pressed the buzzer of the apartment to see if anyone was there, but no one was. A man with a grunge peroxided haired look walked towards me, casually like he had somewhere to go, but then stopped suddenly in front of me. He took off his sunglasses and said to me "You. Are. Gorgeous!" I was taken aback a little and said "Thank You." not sure how to take it - if it was a complement for normal people, or if he thought I was a pretty good looking prostitute. The agent turned up, just in time. And the man asked him if I was his wife. The agent said no, and the man said 'Ok' and just walked off like he didn't want to be in the middle of something (like a transaction!). Funny! So that was my door that opened!! A compliment that my friends say that I should bathe in! HA!!

But really, I see the door closing as getting rid of yet another thing that's not sitting right with me to allow opportunities that are right for me to come in. No more sleepless nights of worry and 'what ifs'. More peace in my heart about keeping the good and enjoying life. There are doors that are a little ajar at the moment in all aspects of my life ready to be opened wide open, when the time is right. There's no hurry because I trust now that I can recognise what's good for me, and what's bad.

Living a Dependent Lifestyle

Last night, the Australian Federal Government handed down the Federal Budget and most people are annoyed that it will hit middle class to lower class Australians hard. There is going to be a co-payment of $7 each time you go to a doctor or emergency department, the Family Tax benefit B will not exist anymore for parents with children over 6, unemployment benefits will not be available for under 25s, and university fees will be deregulated. And that's just a small part of the damning budget.

But I will go back to what I wrote about a few weeks back about single mothers being dependent on their ex-spouses to provide child support. DON'T DEPEND ON ANYONE!!! Treat government hand-outs as a bonus not a necessity, treat child support as a help not something you need. NO ONE can help you, unless you help yourself.

I can understand why the government has introduced $7 co-payment fees for seeing a doctor - the number of people waiting for bulk-billing doctors to get a free service is an absolute joke. Most see them because they are lonely and over the years, the local church minister (a free service) has been replaced by the doctor because of bulk-billing. And that's a phenomenon that happens around the world. It also stops dependent drug users doing the rounds getting prescriptions from different doctors, because they won't be able to find the money to keep seeing them so regularly.

As for no unemployment benefits for under 25 year olds… there is a lot of sense to that. With many children staying at home longer, it makes parents more accountable. With the rapidly growing IT/internet world out there, it makes young, tech savvy children possible to be entrepreneurs in the IT world and create their own businesses… even if it's not IT based where they make computer games, software, etc, it could be eBay trading, or accounts based, writing based, stock-market based, … just something where they could sit at home and feed off the information from the net to make a dollar.

If the government doesn't set standards now, or, if you like, reduce the ease of getting hand-outs now, then we will have a growingly dependent society, and everyone will be on some type of government hand-out. Our country can't afford to be having a generation dependent on government money and in turn, no one paying any tax.

I will admit, that I do receive money from the government, but I don't need it. I only get it because I've registered my children in the system and they just gave it to me. As for child support, I have registered for it, ONLY because I believe both my ex-husband and I brought our kids into this world and he needs to take some responsibility for that. However, I am not dependent on it (in fact he hasn't paid a dime since December).

The only thing I do disagree on regarding the budget is making it less affordable for university/college students. If we don't educate our society, then we will not have the people to run the $20 billion medical research centre, or advance or sciences, economics, arts or trades. We need to take a leaf out of the Scandinavian countries who make it almost free to go to university for all types of vocations, but then pay higher taxes for the privilege of it, ensuring there is almost no welfare system as everyone has the skills, qualifications and personal know-how to get a job or have a career.

Education is the key to ensuring every person in society can be independent. If that is our foundation, then we will all have a healthy economic country, a fabulous lifestyle and generations to come of eager kids who want to make a go of themselves (and maybe even stop being dependent on their parents before they are 25!).

Mother's Day Weekend

This weekend, we celebrated Mother's Day with a couple of indulgences. During the week, I had organised a brand new wood fireplace to go into my lake house, and an electrician to move the TV (add points, etc), so that when we arrived on Friday night, I would be able to enjoy my fabulous view, my toasty fireplace and the TV all in the same direction. I wasn't sure if my plan would work, as the space is a little tight, but when we arrived on Friday night, after a 7pm hockey game from my oldest son that didn't finished till 8.30pm (after a late start), at 11.30pm at night, it was better than I expected. My firewood had been dumped on the front lawn, and I was going to get the boys to move it on Saturday, but it was too late to get a fire going as soon as we arrived so we went to bed…

An hour or so later, the rains came… and hard! All my lovely red gum firewood was getting soaked, and wouldn't be able to be used in the fire. At 6.30am I managed to get myself out of bed, put a jacket on, and dig deep into the wood pile to find any wood that was just a little bit dry. I found about 8 pieces and took them inside.

As it's an eco-friendly fireplace, it suggests only to use wood kindling and firelighters - no paper or cardboard to get it going. It has air vents to manage the heat, and heat banks to store the heat for when the fire has died down. So as it was now 7am, and I was wet from collecting all the dry wood in the rain, I was desperate to get this thing going. I didn't have any firelighters, I found some dry pinecones and branches in the old woodstore out the back, and did what I could with a packet of matches. Until they ran out… I had one match to go, so I grabbed three tissues and lit them over the kindling and miraculously, I HAD FIRE!!! Once it turned to embers, I put on a red gum log and I was happy.

It was lovely looking out on the cloud-capped mountains, the greenness of the trees and the receding lake (it's currently at 68% capacity, and I've been told it will start filling up again now, as they drain the lake to help the fruit growers in the nearby Goulburn Valley over the hotter months).

After the fire was set, I got myself ready to go into town to get some supplies. I had to go to my neighbour's to find out what was happening for dinner, as it was her birthday last week, and we were going to celebrate somehow. The local restaurant is now closed for the winter season, and we could go into town for a meal, or just stay at home. It was decided that I would buy all the ingredients for a roast lamb dinner, an apple crumble and I had in mind to get the birthday cake too. A couple of our friends up there had told me that they wouldn't be there this weekend when I was up there 2 weeks ago, but somehow they were both there, but one was leaving that afternoon to start a new job… so we had an extra body for dinner, and I had to go tell him not to pull anything out of the freezer because it was 'roast night.' So I went over, we had a little chat, and the other friend dropped something off on his back door, and strangely didn't even say hello. So I saw a flash of him walk passed, got off my seat and said hello. But he didn't want to talk… saying he was leaving now and got into his car in a bit of a huff. The other friend and I just thought he was probably annoyed that I was there, and hadn't gone to see him yet, even though he didn't understand the reason why I was there… anyway, it was his problem.

The roast dinner was a smash… a few laughs, a little bit too much alcohol and the birthday girl was appreciative of her little birthday surprises… after all, it was her 'birthday week.'

This morning, I got out of bed a little jaded, the boys gave me some chocolates, a card, an iTunes voucher and said that they left a couple of presents at home. Dexter my dog, slept on my legs keeping me warm, and somehow managed to wake up to the smell of the unopened chocolate box and managed to peel the protective plastic wrapped off, but I got hold them before he got too far. But that was about it for Mothers Day love in the house, as I had to get the house ready to say goodbye. (I love my house on the lake… wish we could be there always). I did the rounds and said goodbye to my friends, then took my boys to 'High Tea' at the Flowerdale Estate, in Strath Creek… about 1.5 hours from my lake house, but on the way home to Melbourne. It was a beautiful estate which has accommodation, a health spa, a gorgeous dining room and lovely grounds to wander around. Dexter sat on the front verandah as we enjoyed our delightful lunch in the gracious dining room.

We had cucumber sandwiches, a tiger prawn with melon sitting on a lettuce leaf, a chicken pie, shallot and cream cheese croissant, vegetable quiche, a roast beef, aioli and watercress ribbon sandwich, a hazelnut macaroon, red velvet cupcake, salted caramel tart, pistachio nougat, walnut brownie and I think that was about it… all tiny little morsels perfectly presented… and of course, all with silverware and cups of tea.

It was lovely look out the headlight windows into the autumn foliage. After our High Tea, we walked around the grounds and found a dam the boys could skim rocks into...

Then the boys found the maple tree and tried to see who could find the biggest leaf!

It was a perfect autumn's day in the country.

After our walk, we returned to the dining room for lemonade scones (I must admit, mine are better), with jam and cream. Before setting off home… the long way through the CBD, thanks to Sat Nav.

So that was my Mothers Day weekend. I really can't complain :)