Some days you know you need to let the things that are bogging you down go. You know… the things that don't sit right with you - it could be a job, a friendship that's passed it's expiry date, a marriage, a way of thinking or belief, a political agenda, an association… Those things that somehow, the harder you hold onto them, the worse the situations that surround the people involved get. Maybe it's because your attitude towards them is constantly in the negative and you can't see any positive in them anymore, or possibly everything that's not sitting right with you is proving their point. Either way, when you get to that turning point that you need to make a decision, and quick, a massive sense of relief overwhelms you.
I had one of those situations during the week. You all know that I was involved with a married man for a good 2.5 years. And I vowed that I would never do it again, as I felt like I don't want to be someone's secret friend or be in second place. A few months back, my neighbour put my details on an internet dating site on a drunken night. Another thing I thought I would never do again, based on sifting through all the crap to get to that possible 'one.' Instantly a local man showed some interest. He said he was separated and wanted a relationship that gave him an opportunity to communicate. Ticking both boxes for me. After about a month of texting, we got together, but it was always at my place. He wouldn't take me out, he didn't tell me his surname (and as far as I'm concerned, I have no idea if his first name is real). I questioned his marital status from the very start, and he gradually let me in. He told me it was complicated!! That he'd been separated for 2 years from his wife in the physical sense - she had been living with her parents, but he was still financially responsible for her, as she has a serious mental illness. He needed his in-laws to look after his wife, but also his children when he went overseas for business, so it was a married he literally couldn't get out from until his children had left school. I felt sorry for him, because it was a real Catch 22.
I thought I would give it a go, test him a little to see how 'ready' he was to actually find some happiness for himself, yet the more and more we spent time together the more withdrawn he became. He kept promising me to take me out for lunch or breakfast, but did it only once - and the whole 25 minutes we were at the cafe, he couldn't sit still - had to make phone calls outside, go to the toilet and was eager to get away. He sat down to order his meal and eat it, that's it. And all he could say to me was 'what else is happening?' He would never offer any information about himself. I just felt that I'd been conned by a weak married man again.
He only had his phone number and he only ever texted me, so I figured that would be the way that I would break up with him. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. He told me from the very start that he would give me a fair relationship, yet none of what we had was fair. I told him again how I didn't want to be someone's secret friend and how he treated me like that from the very start and nothing had changed. I told him that I couldn't be with someone who wasn't true to themselves, as I wouldn't be true to myself. I wished him to find happiness and signed off. He wrote back 'deeply apologising and saying how much he respects how I live my life (I guess, that's a stab at the way I don't respect his life) and how he finds it difficult to talk about himself, due to his unconventional marriage, and he was sorry for any hurt he had caused. So I closed the door…
The next day, I was waiting at a property to write up its advertising copy, and it was in a seedy part of town. There was a man lying on a mattress under a blanket at 12 Noon just metres away from the entrance of the apartment block I needed to go to, and the area is known for street walkers and drugs. So 'waiting' out the front of an apartment block for a real estate agent isn't the best thing to be doing. I pressed the buzzer of the apartment to see if anyone was there, but no one was. A man with a grunge peroxided haired look walked towards me, casually like he had somewhere to go, but then stopped suddenly in front of me. He took off his sunglasses and said to me "You. Are. Gorgeous!" I was taken aback a little and said "Thank You." not sure how to take it - if it was a complement for normal people, or if he thought I was a pretty good looking prostitute. The agent turned up, just in time. And the man asked him if I was his wife. The agent said no, and the man said 'Ok' and just walked off like he didn't want to be in the middle of something (like a transaction!). Funny! So that was my door that opened!! A compliment that my friends say that I should bathe in! HA!!
But really, I see the door closing as getting rid of yet another thing that's not sitting right with me to allow opportunities that are right for me to come in. No more sleepless nights of worry and 'what ifs'. More peace in my heart about keeping the good and enjoying life. There are doors that are a little ajar at the moment in all aspects of my life ready to be opened wide open, when the time is right. There's no hurry because I trust now that I can recognise what's good for me, and what's bad.
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