When I was married, and even before, I reflect now and see that I was living in fear. Through my high school years, I feared that if I didn't do what was expected of me - my schooling, my violin practice, going swimming each week, making good friends, getting good grades, not eating the right foods, etc, I feared I would be grounded, physically hit, verbally abused (i.e. told that I am fat, that my best isn't good enough, etc) or I wouldn't be allowed to see my friends as they weren't 'good influences.' So I essentially hid in the comfort of my own bedroom writing, listening to music, playing music and finding any outlet I could that gave me peace in my heart.
Through my married years, that same fear was there. I was scared to argue or give an opinion just in case World War II broke out and the harmony in our world and expectations that carried over from living under my parents roof - get an education, buy a house, get married, have children, etc would be frowned upon if I didn't take that path. If my husband and I had the smallest of arguments about butter vs margarine, or tomato sauce vs tomato relish, I had become the person who lost all sense of having an opinion because if it would cause an argument, I would let his opinion or decision count.
And it really wasn't until I started my post-graduate course in Writing that I discovered that my opinion was important, valued and ALLOWED! That's a big one… allowing yourself to have an opinion and sticking to YOUR TRUTH in who you are. Hence the reason why 2009 was such a big year for me… I started my course, my sister was married in the Black Saturday bush fires and I could see so clearly that all I meant to my husband was a bank balance, we went to USA and visited Disneyland, I told my husband that he needed to get a job, not have a business, which he did and failed, therefore, he ended up failing our marriage…. and I became stronger because I realised that I could do all the things we were doing without him.
And for a year after I left him, I learnt to live in 'love.' Loving myself for who I was, loving myself enough to lose 22 kilos in weight, loving my surrounds, loving my freedom, loving my children, loving my job, loving my ambitions and goals, and loving the time I had with my friends and family. And people were loving me back. I had this zest for life that people were addicted to. They wanted to know more about me and they wanted to spend time with me, and I would be in control of my own time giving myself where and when I wanted to.
But then, people started taking advantage… advantage of the love I was giving, advantage of the time I was giving, advantage of my zest for life. And my bitter husband threatened my existence - he wanted to take half of my business, he organised to have my home over-valued (I say 'my' home as I paid for it, it was in my name, but as we were married, he was entitled to something) so that I would give him a huge payout, he took money out of our joint account that was there to pay the car repayment so somehow I had to find more money to pay it, he looked at my computer to see if he could find any evidence of me cheating on him and I believe he was responsible for two nails found in two of my tyres. And he did it, because I had killed the dream that he had - the dream of being a kept man with a whole lot of luxuries.
It's now 5 years since I split with him… 2.5 years since our finances have been settled, 2 years since I lost my American lover, and I feel that I'm starting to live with 'love' in my life again, not fear. I was profoundly affected by the great Jim Carrey saying 'Too many people live in fear just to be practical.' And it resonated with me so much, as my parents have always chosen a 'practical life' over a loving life, and after trying the regimented life so many of us dream about in our childhood, I have decided, it's not for me… I am full of love, adventure, spirit and passion. So many people told me last year how 'courageous' it was to drive around Europe for 6.5 weeks, but for me it was an adventure and whatever will be will be. I didn't approach that holiday in fear… but when we went to the USA and Disneyland, I did...
I feel comfortable in my life now to be the person I want to be… a loving, nurturing mother, a prolific writer, a caring and supportive friend, an adventurer, a dog lover and a survivor… A survivor of divorce, neglect, abuse and fear. I am not a victim, I am 'me.' I no longer care what people think of me, or what I write. They are my thoughts, my experiences, my life. It's been a long time since I shed a tear in sadness of my life… I will always shed a tear in compassion for others or shed a tear in outrageous laughter.
In the end, my friends, all I can say to you, is to learn to live in love, not fear and always be the better you.
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