I'm really getting into the tail end of my third draft of my book 'On the Road to the Best Orgasm Ever' at the moment and I've come to a point where my protagonist is questioning what 'love' is. She always felt she never had it as she grew up in her family, she thought she found it when she found someone to marry her, but really, all she was doing was transferring the love she wanted from her parents to someone who gave her the love she thought she wanted from them yet it still didn't feel right, and then she found someone she felt immensely comfortable with but at the same time, felt comfortable in her own skin. She had learned to love herself by being with this person.
Everything is wonderful with this man... she felt so alive, so in tune with herself and everything about him made her feel like he was almost a male version of herself. Because of her background in love, she rarely offered those three little words to anyone unless she truly meant it, yet he offered them to all the people around him - work colleagues, old school mates, the kids he coached in soccer, his kids' friends, anyone... something she couldn't comprehend, something that made her question his love for her, because he offered his love so freely.
She questioned how he could love her when he has so much in his life that he can't let go for her. She wonders if his love is conditional or unconditional, based on the fact she has 'baggage' in terms of having younger children. But then he sends her so many mixed signals by being there for her when she needed him, yet had moments where he wouldn't be there at all.
So as you can see, her 'idea' of love and her 'ideals' of love are conflicted. Yes, she's a romantic and feels this man is 'the one' yet she wants to be a priority in his life, but she doesn't feel it. Does she give him the ultimatum and salvage any self-pride and dignity by demanding that she be his number one, or does she leave him, knowing she deserves so much more, even though she may never feel the love for someone, and herself again, as she did with him?
It's a tricky one, as it's about self-love as well as being loved by someone, and to accept self-love you generally need to feel that you are worthy of being loved and you can only feel worthy if someone is actually loving you for you, not the role that you provide them.
So that's where I'm at. It will be interesting to see where I take it. I know in my head how it will end, and hope it's what the publishers see in it to be published.
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