Sorry I haven't written in a while… life has been a busy with sending out submissions to literary agents for my book, working the day job, getting my lake house ready for winter, and just throw in some school holidays to make it extra busier!
So I finally have a week of catching up… you know… catching up on all those things that need to get done, but are put on the way-side. Today I did the biennial pap smear, doctor breast check and mole check… and even though I'd only thought about it for a few days, I took the plunge and had a couple of skin tags removed from around my neck.
I know that might sound disgusting, weird why I should discuss it here… but the front one had a little bit of sentimentality to it, but it was time to let it go. The reason behind the sentimentality, is that my youngest son used to squeeze it when he was a baby, trying to sleep, or breastfeeding, like he knew it was me with him and he was safe. My ex lover, who was a doctor, I believe sought perfection in me and tried to convince me to allow him to cut it off, but it was a little reminder of my little one gaining comfort in me… it was like my bond between me and my son. So I wouldn't let him as it was like he was breaking that bond.
But in hindsight, I should have let him. It wasn't the prettiest of things, yet from a distance it just looked like a black beauty spot on my neck, until you looked close enough to see it was three-dimensional. I just wasn't ready to let my 'baby' go. My baby is 10 now, 11 in August… so as I went to the doctor - the doctor who has known me for 28 years, I felt it was time to go ahead and snip it, as well as its friend on my neck behind my ear, off.
But it made me think of what other physical or emotional ties I have that need to be letting go. I have a dear friend who's birthday is this week, but we had a falling out about 6 months ago. I bought her a card, and was going to write a letter to explain the hurt that she created leading up to and throughout the event, but I thought it would be unfair and possibly immature to send her hurtful things on her birthday. But then, is not sending anything at all, hurtful? Yet she didn't make an effort for my last birthday, my 40th… But thinking about it all, is just as hurtful, so it's best if I just let it go… and just enjoy the life I'm currently having, and let the past be in the past.
And that's what we all have to do… I know I'm the worst for holding grudges, letting things build up to some type of nuclear explosion, and having falling outs with friends because I'm overly emotional and no one ever seems to understand my point of view. It's only been since I've divorced that I've actually stood up for myself and spoke my peace, which I think has made a few people stand back, because it's been unexpected from me… "Suzy is the 'quiet, reserved, complacent, accepting all situations for what they are' one, she wouldn't make a fuss about something so trivial." But for all the people who have told me over the years that I'm being silly, being precious, being naive and being weak, the hurt is real, it's part of me, and the one's who dismiss it lack all types of compassion, love or support in who I am, therefore don't need to be in my life.
So with my missing pieces off my neck, and a realisation that I only need those who support my feelings, family and happiness around, the letting go process has brought closure to the thoughts of doing the right thing by others to fight black and blue for their love and compassion, because in reality, they only had their selfishness needs in sight, and nothing else.
The great thing about letting go of things is that it makes room for new and exciting things to enter your life. And it's time for me to do that… maybe in the next few months I may forge a new career, have a new love, or make plans to start a new life… but I can't do any of it, unless there is complete letting go of the past...
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