As you all know, I was involved with a married man for about 2.5 years, and we continued contact for another 18 months or so after that, only for me to realise that I meant nothing to him except be a piece of meat. Which is terribly hurtful when you vest so much of your heart in someone who literally doesn't deserve anything of you.
From that experience, I've decided that I do not want to be someone's secret friend, I do not want to be someone's second… I need to be loved and appreciated for who I am. I know I am opinionated, I know I have serious trust issues (who can blame me) and I know I probably over-analyse things because of the hurt I've been put through in most my relationships, but how am I going to be able to find the right person for me and my boys (as we are a package deal) and let down those trust barriers unless someone can be honest with me from the start?
Three men have made me cry in the last few weeks… one, who I met on an internet dating site who said he was separated, looking for someone who is open to communication and someone who is local. Three big pluses in my book… but the more we talked, the more he suggested we meet in areas outside our local area and the more married he sounded. So I confronted him, and he said it was 'complex.' He told me his situation, which I respected and told him that when he's ready to take the next step and move on from his situation, look me up. He made me cry because I thought I was so close to finding someone who I could be open with me, but he just happened to be the same as the last one, with slightly different parameters.
The second man made me cry for another reason… I bought myself a new car, and within 2 weeks, I parked it on the side of the road to pick my son up at his friend's house, and this man, who happened to be cycling, smashed into the back of it, breaking my taillight, dinting a panel and scratching a second panel with the brut of his body and bicycle. He did fling himself into the middle of the road, and we did have to call an ambulance (he is ok…. it was more a bruised ego). He was seriously cute, the same age as me, but married… again! You'd think that if someone was going to crash into your car on purpose to get your attention, he would at least be single… but c'est la vie. But my new car has an ouchie, and it's a difficult insurance claim because he wasn't operating an insured vehicle.
The next man, I know through mutual friends. We had a chat last week, and he told me his divorce is finalised, the finances are finalised and he is an officially free man from his ex-wife. We have been flirting for possibly the last 6 months, but more so over the last 10 days or so. I sent him a copy of my manuscript, as he asked for it, and he said the first chapter 'made his loins move.' I sent him a drunken message on Saturday night essentially saying 'haven't you seen the signals? Aren't I good enough for you?' He replied Sunday morning saying that 'he thinks I'm beautiful but he's seeing someone… but then says that he SERIOUSLY thinks I'm amazing and wants to take me out for a drink or lunch' What mixed messages are in that? Is he hedging his bets?!! AARRGGHHH!!
Maybe it's the universe's way of saying to me that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship right now. I have other things to make happen first (like getting my book published). It just breaks my heart to think that I'm attracted to the wrong guys all the time. And you do question yourself… you question your worthiness, your attractiveness and your level of intensity… because it's happening time after time, knowing that it's not them, but you. I guess I just have to believe that one day, it will happen, it's just not now...
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