Honesty

I'm a big advocate for honesty... for as hurtful it can be it can also be joyous, revealing, create greater understanding and give you choices. The problem lies though when people are confused, conflicted and lacking self-esteem, as they are the people who sit on the fence and are not prepared to make any decision that could actually benefit their life and their relationships... they would rather live a life of confusion, torn between the polar opposites in their lives, and create a life that ruins their relationships as their words and actions lose trust with the people who love them, because their lies to themselves become unbelievable, and they fall apart as they don't have the ability to make a clear choice that will move them forward.

And I think that's the point... once you stop living the lie you become more honest with yourself. No one can force you to stop living the life you are unsure you want to be in, YOU need to make that choice for yourself. It's like an alcoholic can't have someone drag him to rehab, he has to want to do it himself. I remember when I first decided to leave my husband and I had a flood of friends from all stages of my life come back to me, so pleased that I had finally seen the light, but also asking me how I had the courage to do it, as many were feeling dissatisfied in their marriages. And I'm astonished in how many people I spoke to who sacrificed a whole side of themselves to be in their marriages - they stopped hiking, chatting to strangers, travelling, running on the beach, hanging out with certain friends, painting, spending time with their family, pumping music around the house, anything that made them feel like themselves, because their 'better half' didn't want to do what they wanted to do.

I think that's the problem... we get into relationships that initially show us the life we think we 'want' to live, but we don't look at the things we have in common. What we then do, is 'look' for the things we have in common, and most of those are superficial - we both like Japanese food, or we both come from good families, we both like walks in the park, we both are morning people, we both like sprinkling sugar on our cereal, we both like to make the bed in the morning, we both like lavender soap, we both like to travel, etc. But I know, from my own marriage, that I was 'made' to like certain things... I was made to like motor sports when all it was to me was seeing cars driving around in a circle, made to like window shopping in trendy streets that made me feel like I didn't fit in, made to like Bruce Lee movies even though I was against violence, made to like sitting in cafes even though I didn't drink coffee. I did that to make compromises in my marriage, but instead I was compromising myself.

I was talking to a widow the other day about her marriage... and even though she made sacrifices in her marriage, she was still allowed to be the same person she was when she entered the marriage. She was still allowed to be the silly guitar playing nursery rhyme singer at the local kindergartens and sing carols at family Christmases, she was still able to hang out with her friends and not feel guilty that she wasn't spending time at home, she was still allowed to be her own person, and at the same time, her husband was able to be the person he was too. They got together as a couple when they could, they raised a family together and they had common goals and a common understanding of what each expected of each other in the marriage, but they were still 'allowed' to be individuals. And now that she's a widow, she hasn't lost her spirit, she hasn't lost the sense of herself because she ALWAYS had it! Yes she's sad her husband died, but it wasn't as devastating to her as it was to some of her friends who had invested their whole lives in being the person their husband wanted them to be. They had real honesty in their marriage.

To me, it's the little white lies that are the give away. The lies people tell to cover up an excuse for not making an effort, explaining where they were or why they didn't do something, the lies people say to you 'thinking' that you asked a certain question, but you never did. Like, when you write someone a note to say you're thinking of them when you saw a mutual friend, something you knew they liked, or a place you went to with them, and they reply 'I'm doing great, thanks for asking,' when in fact, you didn't ask them at all how they are, you just wrote to say that you were thinking of them. Or when a wife asks why her husband was late home from work, and he tells this massive story about a car accident and how he was stuck in traffic, with no phone battery, and he left his car charger for his phone at work (but why did he take his car charger out of his car?) so he couldn't call... You know the story... It makes you question what they are covering up, question why they are so jumpy, question what they are trying to achieve by over-compensating. The more little white lies told, the less trust you have with that person.

So why do people do it? A deep-seated insecurity? Conflict in their family foundations? Not ready to tell the world who they really are? I think a new generation of honesty is coming up through the ranks. There was a time where people loved going to funerals as it aired out all the lies within the family - the illegitimate children, the affairs, the hurts, the reasons why cousin Joe disappeared, etc, because no one spoke of how they felt or what they knew as it would be damaging to the family reputation, unless the matriarch or patriarch of the family were dead and safely buried. But now society has created more acceptance so people are more willing to take ownership of who they are and what they want from life... and we don't need to conform to the moral, religious or societal expectations that our parents and grandparents had to deal with. More people are proud of being gay, more people are happy to not have children or are waiting till the time is right, more people are travelling and discovering themselves through the world rather than stuck in their family ways, more people are voicing their political opinion, more people are becoming more informative of their choices... And that's what life is... a choice... a choice to make the most of your life and find happiness in who YOU are, not what people expect you to be or blaming someone for who you are. And once you realise that, and accept the honesty within yourself, then your life will open up to a new sense of wonderment and joy.