As you all know, I was involved with a married man for a few years... I do try to understand the wife's perspective, and understand all the hurt that she had when she discovered the full extent of our relationship. I do this, no matter how hurt I was in the process, because I knew that the man I love had the majority of his heart with the woman who was showing him no attention, and I just wanted him to be happy. Lots of strange occurrences have happened since that fateful day which was about 13 months ago, and for some reason, we maintain distant contact, as long as his wife has access to everything we talk about. Sometimes she physically comes into the conversation, putting her two bobs worth in, visibly hurt that I am still intruding, yet she honours his decision to maintain contact with me... which I find bizarre. Last week, she told me I couldn't hurt her any more, that I had no 'power' to hurt her. She told me that I'm co-dependent on her husband, that it is unacceptable that I write emails to her husband... yet she continues to allow us to have contact.
Now, I've had conversations with two other victims of affairs in the past week, and both have said that my man is a 'cake-eater.' And yes, I allow it to happen, however, it's all about being friends these days. He will always be my friend, because of all the support he gave me through my divorce, and for that I am eternally grateful that he was there when those who were supposed to be there for me, just weren't.
The first lady I had a conversation with, her husband regretfully had some long term affairs and is willing to fix their marriage. He is going through counselling, both individually and as a couple, and is doing everything, including removing any porn from his computer to be devoted to his wife. He has absolutely no contact with any woman that he has slept with, or thought about sleeping with, and she is working on trusting him again. And that's great for them. She said if she ever caught him looking at a porn site, flirting with another woman or even contacting any woman of suspicion, his clothes would be in rubbish bags out the door. And she would never go back.
The second person I spoke to was a man. His wife fell in love with a married tour-guide on a holiday in Sri Lanka. She came home from the holiday and told her husband it was over, and she was going back to Sri Lanka. He was shocked, as he adored his wife. His wife ended up having a 2 month affair but the tour guide refused to leave his family. So she came home with her tail between her legs asking for her husband's forgiveness and if they could get back together. He said 'No way' as she had betrayed his trust. Their children are now angry with 'him' because she wanted to reconcile, but the damage had been done... he wasn't going to live in a marriage that was a lie. So they are selling up, living under the same roof but under very futile circumstances. He is over the deception and is looking forward to living a life without lies and deception.
So there are three very different circumstances in handling the aftermath of an affair. When I've talked to people about how my ex-lover's wife deals with the situation, they are horrified and say that she is completely stupid for taking him back and allowing us to remain friends... especially when I am not the first infidelity that he's had. She tells me I have no self-esteem, but she is on the bottom lows of self-esteem and co-dependency on him. I really don't understand how a woman, after all the fight for women's equality can be stuck in the dark ages. Possibly, her husband, my lover, has told her too many lies about our relationship and me to appease her. From the conversations she's had with me, it seems like he's told her that I'm an unloved, tortured soul who needs all the help I can get. Hmmm... if it means he'll stay around, I'm fine with that. As he will always be my friend.
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