I heard some interesting news today about someone who was once close to me, and the friendship is no longer due to differences of values, responsibilities and our friendship just faded away. He has booked himself an expensive holiday while his ex-wife works and looks after their children full time, and he takes on no financial or physical responsibility for his kids. (Almost sounds like my ex husband!!)
So while he's out having a great time, traveling the world, his ex-wife struggles to put food on the table because he doesn't pay his child support. He's told his brothers and sisters that he doesn't have to pay child support because his ex-wife ended up with everything when they settled their property.
The person who told me the story said the ex-wife is upset for her kids that her ex isn't doing the right thing by them, but is tired of getting angry with him anymore. She sees it as wasted energy and somehow, she knows deep down, that karma will come back to him when he least expects it.
And I was thinking, it's true. The universe has a unique way of making life bad for those who don't do the right thing by society or even their own kids. The universe will somehow show this 'dead beat dad' what his responsibilities to his kids actually are.
Why do us single mums worry about what our stupid ex-husbands or partners do when they don't live up to the responsibilities of being a father? A father who financially supports his children, a father who spends quality time with them in his time, a father who actively participates in their activities, look after them when they are sick, a father who is not just 'fun dad' but also 'parental dad.' As long as the single mums are doing the right thing by their kids, then we shouldn't have to worry about why our kids are being let down constantly by their former partners, and just show them the love that they have from you, and that's all that matters. Our children will cherish that more and realise who's always been there for them and not worry about who they are missing in their lives.
It's interesting... but my youngest son has been saying for about 12 months now that he 'wishes he had a dad again.' Not 'his' dad, or 'the' dad, just a dad who could do male things with him. And I get that. You don't have to be a blood relation to give a child the joy of feeling wanted, looked after or have a bond that's similar to that of a father and son. And I'm glad my youngest son now gets it.
I don't have to tell my kids anymore how much their father is self-centred, they know. They have been hurt enough by his lies and lack of action and attention to know who he is. Karma will always deal him a bad break until he does right. He will constantly blame the world for his misfortunes, and that's his problem, as it is my ex-friend's problem, not mine or my ex-friend's ex-wife's problem, so there's no need to worry anymore... just enjoy the love and life you have with your kids and cherish every moment.
Monday, 21 January 2013
Saturday, 19 January 2013
Sizing Things Up
As I told you yesterday, I'm back on the 'lifestyle eating plan' to shed a few kilos (target 67 by end of May 2013). However before Christmas, I desperately needed to buy myself a new wardrobe, so I headed to a shop, tried on a few too many items, and somehow walked out of a shop $1400 poorer and 12 new garments. Considering I had only replaced my jeans throughout the year, I decided 'why not?' and just did it.
The weird thing was, as I bought everything from the same shop, I came out with 3 different size clothes. Sizes 12, 14 & 16. Most were size 12, which shocked me, knowing that I was a size 12 in most my clothes when I was 8-10 kilos lighter, however my ass made my pants that little bit bigger. But even when I went to try on jeans only months beforehand, I went to one shop, tried on 2 different styles of jeans - one style I was almost heartbroken because I couldn't get the Size 16 jeans past my thighs, but when I tried on a Size 13 pair of jeans in a different style, they fitted like a glove. How can this be so?
It makes you think why women are so confused about body shape, hung up on dress sizes and afraid of shopping when they have put on a few extra kilos, because the retail outlets and manufacturers have no idea about consistency. Or is it their ploy to make all women less interested in size and more interested in feeling comfortable and proud of who they are?
The boutique I splashed out at was a dedicated Australian owned, Australian manufacturing women's retailer, so knowing that I was supporting the local economy was a good reason to spend more than I really wanted to. But it doesn't justify why their sizing is all over the place. What happened to Australian/International standards? And how can anyone suggest that my F cup boobs fit into any top that's a size 12 and be baggy? What other types of 'Size 12' women are there, as they definitely don't cater for F cups readily in the bra department (I usually have to go to a specialised bra manufacturer). And since when should a Size 12 women's BMI be sitting on the edge of 'Overweight and Obese?' Size 12 used to be a size that suggested that you were a comfortable size - not skinny model making material, but not holding up a muffin top. I have the muffin top, so how can I be a size 12?
Marilyn Monroe was said to be the poster girl for Size 12. But she was reported to weigh about 54kgs. I'm sorry, but that's 30kgs less than what I weigh at the moment! (now there's some honesty!) I found an article that states that after measuring her clothes, her clothes would be what we could consider being a Size 8-10 now, but the same article also says that due to 'vanity sizing' sizes that 'today's size 10 is smaller than the size 10 from 50 years ago.' How can that be? If Monroe was a size 12 back then, and I'm a size 12 now, that would mean that I should be 50kgs, not 84! Her measurements were said to be 36-23-37. My bra size is a 34F, which means that I am smaller than Marilyn in the back, but when I measure them with a tape measure, I'm 40 inches in the back. So why has my Australian owned, Australian manufacturing bra company deceived me into thinking that I'm 6 inches less in the back than I really am?
Clothing manufacturers need to stop deceiving women and possibly men into thinking they are smaller than they actually are. I would rather be told that I'm a Size 20 and do something about it because it's demoralising being that size, than wear mislabelled size 12 clothes that make me think that it's ok to eat that extra piece of chocolate cake because I'm a size 12, so I'm not that fat.
And you wonder, why there's an obesity epidemic!!!
Source:
http://www.examiner.com/article/health-weight-how-big-was-marilyn-monroe-what-size-dress-did-she-wear
The weird thing was, as I bought everything from the same shop, I came out with 3 different size clothes. Sizes 12, 14 & 16. Most were size 12, which shocked me, knowing that I was a size 12 in most my clothes when I was 8-10 kilos lighter, however my ass made my pants that little bit bigger. But even when I went to try on jeans only months beforehand, I went to one shop, tried on 2 different styles of jeans - one style I was almost heartbroken because I couldn't get the Size 16 jeans past my thighs, but when I tried on a Size 13 pair of jeans in a different style, they fitted like a glove. How can this be so?
It makes you think why women are so confused about body shape, hung up on dress sizes and afraid of shopping when they have put on a few extra kilos, because the retail outlets and manufacturers have no idea about consistency. Or is it their ploy to make all women less interested in size and more interested in feeling comfortable and proud of who they are?
The boutique I splashed out at was a dedicated Australian owned, Australian manufacturing women's retailer, so knowing that I was supporting the local economy was a good reason to spend more than I really wanted to. But it doesn't justify why their sizing is all over the place. What happened to Australian/International standards? And how can anyone suggest that my F cup boobs fit into any top that's a size 12 and be baggy? What other types of 'Size 12' women are there, as they definitely don't cater for F cups readily in the bra department (I usually have to go to a specialised bra manufacturer). And since when should a Size 12 women's BMI be sitting on the edge of 'Overweight and Obese?' Size 12 used to be a size that suggested that you were a comfortable size - not skinny model making material, but not holding up a muffin top. I have the muffin top, so how can I be a size 12?
Marilyn Monroe was said to be the poster girl for Size 12. But she was reported to weigh about 54kgs. I'm sorry, but that's 30kgs less than what I weigh at the moment! (now there's some honesty!) I found an article that states that after measuring her clothes, her clothes would be what we could consider being a Size 8-10 now, but the same article also says that due to 'vanity sizing' sizes that 'today's size 10 is smaller than the size 10 from 50 years ago.' How can that be? If Monroe was a size 12 back then, and I'm a size 12 now, that would mean that I should be 50kgs, not 84! Her measurements were said to be 36-23-37. My bra size is a 34F, which means that I am smaller than Marilyn in the back, but when I measure them with a tape measure, I'm 40 inches in the back. So why has my Australian owned, Australian manufacturing bra company deceived me into thinking that I'm 6 inches less in the back than I really am?
Clothing manufacturers need to stop deceiving women and possibly men into thinking they are smaller than they actually are. I would rather be told that I'm a Size 20 and do something about it because it's demoralising being that size, than wear mislabelled size 12 clothes that make me think that it's ok to eat that extra piece of chocolate cake because I'm a size 12, so I'm not that fat.
And you wonder, why there's an obesity epidemic!!!
Source:
http://www.examiner.com/article/health-weight-how-big-was-marilyn-monroe-what-size-dress-did-she-wear
Friday, 18 January 2013
Restoring Your Beliefs
Today has been a major turning point for me... A friend has come back into my life, a friend who means the world to me, a friend who left in such a hurry I had no idea if our friendship was a big fat lie and I had made it all up in my head. And by them exiting my life, I had lost the beliefs in everything that meant something to me. I lost the belief in myself and stacked on 6kgs in 6 months, I lost the belief in what was the right thing to do, I lost the belief in trusting people, I lost the belief in what the universe wants from me, I lost my belief in love, I lost the belief in believing.
I struggled to identify that I meant anything to anyone, besides my boys, without hidden agenda. Men repulsed me in almost every way because they all seem to just want to take advantage of my vulnerabilities, hence the reason why there hasn't been much 'sex' in my 'Sex and the Single Mum' lately. I believed so much in this friendship, I believed so much that what we had was real, that I had found my most pure happiness, I believed that someone genuinely loved being in my presence every day for ME, and nothing else, and then it was all taken away from me... Nothing felt right anymore, as I was told just before they exited my life that I couldn't be loved by my friend, I was wrong to be in their life as I went against all their moral and religious values. So as you can imagine, to be told that everything that you believed in was wrong, makes you feel incredibly lost, as you lose all your beliefs and question everything that's important to you and how actually real it was.
So as my friend has restored the faith in other relationships, my friend has been able to find a way in a small way, to include me. They told me that what we had will always be special, that I am still loved and in another place and time, we would still have what we had. They apologised for the hurt and anguish I was put through, and they restored my belief in what we had and that I am special to the person who found the happiness within me. Knowing that, knowing that I could trust my own feelings and intuition, that I could believe in telling the truth and it would do good, is all I ever wanted from my friend.
As for the last 6 months, everything felt that that life I had when my friend was in my life was a fantasy world, and that I made up all the happiness that I genuinely felt, and I had no idea what happiness was anymore because what I'd remembered feeling when I was with this friend wasn't true, it was all a lie. I truly thought I was going mad, to the point of not knowing what was real anymore. So you can imagine, how much of a relief I felt when my friend opened up and told me many times through the conversation that I am loved, and I am allowed to be in their life in a small way because our friendship means something to them too. I can now believe that I wasn't making it up, I wasn't fooling myself and that helping my friend find their reality, their happiness and what they were always looking for while we were friends, was what I was destined to do.
So I thank my friend for being a part of my life, restoring my beliefs in myself, our friendship and love and I wish my friend eternal happiness, as that's all I wanted for them.
As a side note... before all this happened, I was determined to get myself out of my rut, and my friend has just made it a lot easier emotionally, but I started back on my Lite N Easy lifestyle eating plan this week (the one I lost 22kgs when I left the ex-husband) (btw, I refuse to say 'diet!'), have done a beach walk every day and have lost 1.9kg in 7 days. No alcohol, heaps of water and small regular portions of food. Hope it all makes a difference so that 2013 is an unbelievable year!
I struggled to identify that I meant anything to anyone, besides my boys, without hidden agenda. Men repulsed me in almost every way because they all seem to just want to take advantage of my vulnerabilities, hence the reason why there hasn't been much 'sex' in my 'Sex and the Single Mum' lately. I believed so much in this friendship, I believed so much that what we had was real, that I had found my most pure happiness, I believed that someone genuinely loved being in my presence every day for ME, and nothing else, and then it was all taken away from me... Nothing felt right anymore, as I was told just before they exited my life that I couldn't be loved by my friend, I was wrong to be in their life as I went against all their moral and religious values. So as you can imagine, to be told that everything that you believed in was wrong, makes you feel incredibly lost, as you lose all your beliefs and question everything that's important to you and how actually real it was.
So as my friend has restored the faith in other relationships, my friend has been able to find a way in a small way, to include me. They told me that what we had will always be special, that I am still loved and in another place and time, we would still have what we had. They apologised for the hurt and anguish I was put through, and they restored my belief in what we had and that I am special to the person who found the happiness within me. Knowing that, knowing that I could trust my own feelings and intuition, that I could believe in telling the truth and it would do good, is all I ever wanted from my friend.
As for the last 6 months, everything felt that that life I had when my friend was in my life was a fantasy world, and that I made up all the happiness that I genuinely felt, and I had no idea what happiness was anymore because what I'd remembered feeling when I was with this friend wasn't true, it was all a lie. I truly thought I was going mad, to the point of not knowing what was real anymore. So you can imagine, how much of a relief I felt when my friend opened up and told me many times through the conversation that I am loved, and I am allowed to be in their life in a small way because our friendship means something to them too. I can now believe that I wasn't making it up, I wasn't fooling myself and that helping my friend find their reality, their happiness and what they were always looking for while we were friends, was what I was destined to do.
So I thank my friend for being a part of my life, restoring my beliefs in myself, our friendship and love and I wish my friend eternal happiness, as that's all I wanted for them.
As a side note... before all this happened, I was determined to get myself out of my rut, and my friend has just made it a lot easier emotionally, but I started back on my Lite N Easy lifestyle eating plan this week (the one I lost 22kgs when I left the ex-husband) (btw, I refuse to say 'diet!'), have done a beach walk every day and have lost 1.9kg in 7 days. No alcohol, heaps of water and small regular portions of food. Hope it all makes a difference so that 2013 is an unbelievable year!
The Work/School Holiday Balance
This week was the first real week back at work. I did dribbles last week, but this week came in with a steady stream of new properties to go see and just a little more than what I can count on two hands to view and write for the week. So in saying that, mixed in with all the admin work to do, this week, the school holidays were a little mundane for my boys.
With a little under two weeks of holidays left, the boys generally spent their days just wearing their jocks, and strangely deciding to put on a t-shirt to go to bed (rather than the other way around). I did have one sickie, who came down with tonsillitis on Sunday morning, thanks to me from a couple of weeks ago, so a quiet week was going to be on the cards. They did, I admit, do about 45 minutes - 1.5 hours of homework each day each, which usually was met begrudgingly, however when we got stuck into it, they were happy to do it. However, the rest was a combination of playing Wii, watching YouTube videos on Apple TV about their 'Wii games', playing Minecraft or Clash of the Clans on their their iPads, persuading me to buy things for them on eBay, playing lego, drawing and rough-housing each other. I did try to persuade them to go outside, but I was met with negative feelings.
We did go for a night walk on Monday night which meant putting some clothes on. We were actually lucky enough to meet up with some school friends where the boys played a little basketball together, but that's about all the physical activity they did (whereas, I've been a good girl and gone for a morning walk every day!). I did manage to get one off the couch and take him to a work appointment on Tuesday followed by some grocery shopping, we did have some visitors on Wednesday which meant they had to put some clothes on and I did manage to take both of them out today to visit their cousin, but every other thing I suggest has had it's nose turned up at it. Even a trip to the movies or a take-out meal!!
However, due to the lack of activity, their eating habits have been lessened, and strangely healthy, including choosing to have raw vegetables for breakfast, peaches and mangoes for lunch and barbecue sausages with salad for dinner. The only snacking that was done was mango & coconut ice-blocks. We did have one extremely hot day (41 degrees Celsius), so it was best to stay indoors, even though I suggested we should go for a morning swim down the beach, but again, they didn't want to leave the couch.
But the boys did deserve a little break.... they had 3 full days (8am-6pm) at Cartoon Camp last week. The problem now is, how to keep them occupied and not too bored for the next 12 days, while work steps up new notches. However, it was interesting that neither of them told me they were bored this week, which can happen quite a bit. Hopefully we will cover 4 days with a little before-school trip as long as the country's bushfires don't dampen our efforts, but who knows what's on for this weekend. I'll keep you posted! :)
With a little under two weeks of holidays left, the boys generally spent their days just wearing their jocks, and strangely deciding to put on a t-shirt to go to bed (rather than the other way around). I did have one sickie, who came down with tonsillitis on Sunday morning, thanks to me from a couple of weeks ago, so a quiet week was going to be on the cards. They did, I admit, do about 45 minutes - 1.5 hours of homework each day each, which usually was met begrudgingly, however when we got stuck into it, they were happy to do it. However, the rest was a combination of playing Wii, watching YouTube videos on Apple TV about their 'Wii games', playing Minecraft or Clash of the Clans on their their iPads, persuading me to buy things for them on eBay, playing lego, drawing and rough-housing each other. I did try to persuade them to go outside, but I was met with negative feelings.
We did go for a night walk on Monday night which meant putting some clothes on. We were actually lucky enough to meet up with some school friends where the boys played a little basketball together, but that's about all the physical activity they did (whereas, I've been a good girl and gone for a morning walk every day!). I did manage to get one off the couch and take him to a work appointment on Tuesday followed by some grocery shopping, we did have some visitors on Wednesday which meant they had to put some clothes on and I did manage to take both of them out today to visit their cousin, but every other thing I suggest has had it's nose turned up at it. Even a trip to the movies or a take-out meal!!
However, due to the lack of activity, their eating habits have been lessened, and strangely healthy, including choosing to have raw vegetables for breakfast, peaches and mangoes for lunch and barbecue sausages with salad for dinner. The only snacking that was done was mango & coconut ice-blocks. We did have one extremely hot day (41 degrees Celsius), so it was best to stay indoors, even though I suggested we should go for a morning swim down the beach, but again, they didn't want to leave the couch.
But the boys did deserve a little break.... they had 3 full days (8am-6pm) at Cartoon Camp last week. The problem now is, how to keep them occupied and not too bored for the next 12 days, while work steps up new notches. However, it was interesting that neither of them told me they were bored this week, which can happen quite a bit. Hopefully we will cover 4 days with a little before-school trip as long as the country's bushfires don't dampen our efforts, but who knows what's on for this weekend. I'll keep you posted! :)
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Time to Honor Yourself
A New Year tends to bring out all the things we want to do for ourselves. We may want to lose weight, join a club to make new friends, start a new hobby, write a book, look after the garden, buy an expensive toy. No matter what it is, you're prepared to make a change.
However, there are many things in life that we find hold us back. It could be the opinion of a family member or a friend, it could be work limitations, financial limitations or our own lack of courage to make the change. So why don't we trust our hearts and our heads and go with what feels right?
As a single mum, for all those single parents out there, YOU are your only protector. You are the protector of your kids and you are the protector of your livelihood. So if you feel like someone is taking advantage of your situation - a tradesman who says you need more work done to your home than you think is necessary, or a bank trying to tell you that you have no other option than to use their product, or a parent who says that you are being silly for considering a change in your life, or even a friend who doesn't respect that you're on a diet right now and wants you to go on a boozy night out... YOU are the one who has to live with the decisions you make, YOU are the one who will feel shameful for not honoring your diet, your ethics, your bank account, your home... so YOU are the one who needs to have the courage to stand up for yourself.
So when you decide that YOU want a change and YOU feel it's a necessary change... a change that you have contemplated over and over over time, then YOU have to honor yourself and make that change. It could be that you will stop wasting your time looking at the internet, Facebook, TV, etc and start getting out of the house to enjoy the sunshine. It could be getting rid of friends you no longer see eye to eye with or you're moving with the times but your friend is stuck in 1994. It could be surrounding yourself with things that make you happy. It could be finding that ultimate job you've wanted for so long. It could be getting back into study. It could be trying out a dating website. Whatever you do, do it for YOU. No one else.
Do it for the contentment of your soul. Do it for the chances that may happen if you stayed confined to your home. Do it for the smiles you get from your kids. Do it for the love of BEING YOU!
Make 2013 a year of just enjoying YOU!
However, there are many things in life that we find hold us back. It could be the opinion of a family member or a friend, it could be work limitations, financial limitations or our own lack of courage to make the change. So why don't we trust our hearts and our heads and go with what feels right?
As a single mum, for all those single parents out there, YOU are your only protector. You are the protector of your kids and you are the protector of your livelihood. So if you feel like someone is taking advantage of your situation - a tradesman who says you need more work done to your home than you think is necessary, or a bank trying to tell you that you have no other option than to use their product, or a parent who says that you are being silly for considering a change in your life, or even a friend who doesn't respect that you're on a diet right now and wants you to go on a boozy night out... YOU are the one who has to live with the decisions you make, YOU are the one who will feel shameful for not honoring your diet, your ethics, your bank account, your home... so YOU are the one who needs to have the courage to stand up for yourself.
So when you decide that YOU want a change and YOU feel it's a necessary change... a change that you have contemplated over and over over time, then YOU have to honor yourself and make that change. It could be that you will stop wasting your time looking at the internet, Facebook, TV, etc and start getting out of the house to enjoy the sunshine. It could be getting rid of friends you no longer see eye to eye with or you're moving with the times but your friend is stuck in 1994. It could be surrounding yourself with things that make you happy. It could be finding that ultimate job you've wanted for so long. It could be getting back into study. It could be trying out a dating website. Whatever you do, do it for YOU. No one else.
Do it for the contentment of your soul. Do it for the chances that may happen if you stayed confined to your home. Do it for the smiles you get from your kids. Do it for the love of BEING YOU!
Make 2013 a year of just enjoying YOU!
Friday, 11 January 2013
Turning 40
I will admit, this year is about turning 40. A chance to move on from the past, build the new and make those goals happen, you know, the goals that have been sitting there for way too long. It's a chance to start my forties with a clean slate and hopefully new beginnings.
So my goals to reach before I turn 40 (in November) are getting back into the healthy zone with my weight, publishing my book (or at least be in negotiations with getting it published) and travel to places I've never been.
Today, I start again, my Lite N Easy program, which is how I lost 22kgs 3 years ago. I will admit, I've returned 10 of those kilos, mostly in the past 12 months due to the unsettled nature of our lives... were we moving overseas or not, the soul destroying loss of my lover and knowing where my place in this world is... 2012 really was, in many ways, an upsetting year, yet I made the most of it with our many adventures that numbed the hurt.
What I got back into today was my exercise routine... a walk down the beach, with a few legs of running, listening to my iPod with the music up loud, to get my legs moving to the music. It really is liberating. You see everyone out in the morning... today I saw a fitness training group monopolise my 108 step staircase with a step exercise, cyclists ignoring stop signs to retain their cycling momentum, and this gorgeous little blonde headed boy who was about 3-4 years old, in a white t-shirt and shorts, playing with a tennis ball, his dog and his grandma on the edge of the waves. It was one of those iconic moments that looked like it should have been on a flickering reel of film from the Fifties. The walk, with your head space filled with music, and your eyes taking in the beauty of your surrounds really puts everything into perspective. It makes you forget your woes, gain clarity in your thoughts and motivated to reach your goals.
So with all the other exercise/diet programs I've started in the past, I know Lite N Easy and my beach walks/runs and now that I have a bike, my 'bike' are what work for me. I got to the point that I didn't lose anymore last time I was on it, so I'm hoping that I can get beyond that point and push towards my ultimate goal.
So that's my inspiration for the day... I hope the New Year, life goals and other reasons help you put you in the place - physically, mentally and emotionally, you want to be, and you can share your stories with us.
Love
Suzy :)
So my goals to reach before I turn 40 (in November) are getting back into the healthy zone with my weight, publishing my book (or at least be in negotiations with getting it published) and travel to places I've never been.
Today, I start again, my Lite N Easy program, which is how I lost 22kgs 3 years ago. I will admit, I've returned 10 of those kilos, mostly in the past 12 months due to the unsettled nature of our lives... were we moving overseas or not, the soul destroying loss of my lover and knowing where my place in this world is... 2012 really was, in many ways, an upsetting year, yet I made the most of it with our many adventures that numbed the hurt.
What I got back into today was my exercise routine... a walk down the beach, with a few legs of running, listening to my iPod with the music up loud, to get my legs moving to the music. It really is liberating. You see everyone out in the morning... today I saw a fitness training group monopolise my 108 step staircase with a step exercise, cyclists ignoring stop signs to retain their cycling momentum, and this gorgeous little blonde headed boy who was about 3-4 years old, in a white t-shirt and shorts, playing with a tennis ball, his dog and his grandma on the edge of the waves. It was one of those iconic moments that looked like it should have been on a flickering reel of film from the Fifties. The walk, with your head space filled with music, and your eyes taking in the beauty of your surrounds really puts everything into perspective. It makes you forget your woes, gain clarity in your thoughts and motivated to reach your goals.
So with all the other exercise/diet programs I've started in the past, I know Lite N Easy and my beach walks/runs and now that I have a bike, my 'bike' are what work for me. I got to the point that I didn't lose anymore last time I was on it, so I'm hoping that I can get beyond that point and push towards my ultimate goal.
So that's my inspiration for the day... I hope the New Year, life goals and other reasons help you put you in the place - physically, mentally and emotionally, you want to be, and you can share your stories with us.
Love
Suzy :)
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Generosity...
When you love being in someone's company, a friend, a lover, a sibling, a parent... you'd do anything for them. You'd ask them if they need help with anything, you'd drop everything if they asked to catch up, you'd tell them that if you won the lottery, they would be one of the first people they would give some too. Generally, your giving spirit is enhanced when you enjoy being with that person.
So when the shoe is on the other foot, and someone gives generously to you, why are we then so sceptical? Does it ruin the friendship or relationship? Do people like to be considered equals so any gift or help that's unsolicited is questioned for it's motive? I guess it depends on the relationship. If it's your mother, you wouldn't think twice, if it's your lover, you'd soak it up, but when it's a good friend being ultra kind out of the blue, do you wonder where this attention is coming from?
It's hard, because I know myself, I've been extremely giving to friends in the past and have been burnt because they feel like I'm buying their friendship, or we have arguments because they don't want to feel that they 'owe' me something. If you set the standard from the onset, then you're most likely not going to have any problems, as you've begun the relationship knowing the boundaries, but if it's out of the blue, you're unsure of the intentions behind it, as you know you've done nothing to warrant any excess giving, so you think that either they have done something wrong and making up for it, they want something from you that you're not prepared to do or forsake for them so they thought they may sweeten you up, or possibly the worst, buy your friendship for that little bit longer if they think that the friendship is on rocky grounds.
I guess when it comes to a lover, and a gift comes from out of nowhere, you'd suspect the worst. Flowers that don't happen regularly generally mean they had thoughts or actions with another person, or if the present is overly expensive, like a diamond bracelet and there is no special occasion, the warning signs go into overdrive. But when your relationship isn't on equal terms, you truly do feel uncomfortable receiving something you don't, in fact, deserve.
And I guess that's why so many people are reluctant to take money when someone offers them some in their time of need because they are too proud or worried they have to pay it back. Just as some are reluctant to be shouted out for dinner, be given a gift over and above the standard gesture of a token bottle of wine or box of chocolates when invited over for dinner, or sent a bunch of flowers from someone they don't like in 'that way.' They don't want to feel like they owe them something.
It's a tricky one, because you don't want to seem ungrateful, but you don't want to feel obligated to have the friendship based on their generosity. And you definitely don't want to feel there are hidden motives for their actions. As all friendships, relationships and families should be a means of reciprocity, not one-sidedness.
I don't know what to tell you here... if you know that if you were the one giving added attention because you appreciate the person so much, you would feel happy to help and it makes you feel good that you can, but you don't really consider the feelings of the person you're giving to, and how humbled and uncomfortable they may feel about receiving your gesture.
I guess the only thing you can do is be honest... honest about how you feel about receiving expensive or unexpected gifts or gestures. If it turns into an argument, then you know that the 'giver' has a hidden agenda because they become so defensive, and then, you'll realise that the relationship may not be what you thought.
So when the shoe is on the other foot, and someone gives generously to you, why are we then so sceptical? Does it ruin the friendship or relationship? Do people like to be considered equals so any gift or help that's unsolicited is questioned for it's motive? I guess it depends on the relationship. If it's your mother, you wouldn't think twice, if it's your lover, you'd soak it up, but when it's a good friend being ultra kind out of the blue, do you wonder where this attention is coming from?
It's hard, because I know myself, I've been extremely giving to friends in the past and have been burnt because they feel like I'm buying their friendship, or we have arguments because they don't want to feel that they 'owe' me something. If you set the standard from the onset, then you're most likely not going to have any problems, as you've begun the relationship knowing the boundaries, but if it's out of the blue, you're unsure of the intentions behind it, as you know you've done nothing to warrant any excess giving, so you think that either they have done something wrong and making up for it, they want something from you that you're not prepared to do or forsake for them so they thought they may sweeten you up, or possibly the worst, buy your friendship for that little bit longer if they think that the friendship is on rocky grounds.
I guess when it comes to a lover, and a gift comes from out of nowhere, you'd suspect the worst. Flowers that don't happen regularly generally mean they had thoughts or actions with another person, or if the present is overly expensive, like a diamond bracelet and there is no special occasion, the warning signs go into overdrive. But when your relationship isn't on equal terms, you truly do feel uncomfortable receiving something you don't, in fact, deserve.
And I guess that's why so many people are reluctant to take money when someone offers them some in their time of need because they are too proud or worried they have to pay it back. Just as some are reluctant to be shouted out for dinner, be given a gift over and above the standard gesture of a token bottle of wine or box of chocolates when invited over for dinner, or sent a bunch of flowers from someone they don't like in 'that way.' They don't want to feel like they owe them something.
It's a tricky one, because you don't want to seem ungrateful, but you don't want to feel obligated to have the friendship based on their generosity. And you definitely don't want to feel there are hidden motives for their actions. As all friendships, relationships and families should be a means of reciprocity, not one-sidedness.
I don't know what to tell you here... if you know that if you were the one giving added attention because you appreciate the person so much, you would feel happy to help and it makes you feel good that you can, but you don't really consider the feelings of the person you're giving to, and how humbled and uncomfortable they may feel about receiving your gesture.
I guess the only thing you can do is be honest... honest about how you feel about receiving expensive or unexpected gifts or gestures. If it turns into an argument, then you know that the 'giver' has a hidden agenda because they become so defensive, and then, you'll realise that the relationship may not be what you thought.
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