Why is it that so many people play mind games? They either talk to you thinking you'll take their side over someone else, talk to you because you 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' or talk to you for other agendas. And, if ever you get caught talking to their enemy, say something against them or do something against their ideals, which, quite frankly, has nothing to do with them, then you are made out to be the bad person. Why?
I am an honest person... I have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn't like my opinion, doesn't like what I have to contribute or shoots me down for something they don't like, it is their problem, not mine. I am not going to lose sleep over it, and I'm certainly not going to change my opinion about someone if it's second or third hand information. I can form my own opinion without someone going out of their way to paint an ugly picture of someone else... which in essence, is actually them painting an even uglier picture of themselves. I will like and have whomever I want in my life, and just because 'you' (the proverbial 'you') don't like it, then that is your problem not mine. If we don't have anything good to say in life anymore between us, then I will remove you from my life... I don't need headaches, disagreements, concern for my safety (or my kids, for that matter), because I have already had my fair share of all those nightmares, and I am only looking forward to a happy fulfilling life.
But it's not just the dividing of people through opinionated hearsay or unprovoked rants, it's the kind sweet words that they give you, telling you how wonderful you are in all aspects in your life, to then shoot you down when you say something or do something that goes against their grain. Why is it that they expect you to respect their words, life, values, etc... but when you feel uncomfortable about how a conversation is going, they can't respect your values, words or how you live your life? Is it a matter of debate, and trying to win you over to their side, or is it ignorance, jealous, defeat and their ego being hurt? Why is it that no one seems to tell it how it is anymore?
Imagine, going out on a date... the man takes you to a little Chinese restaurant that looks dodgy on the outside, but the food inside is fantastic. There are cheap tacky Chinese decorations over the place and colour printed paper placemats on butcher's paper over the white linen tablecloths. He asks you what you'd like to order, and you choose something from the seafood menu (you know how it's usually two to three dollars more than the beef, pork or chicken options on the menu). He tells you, "No, don't have that.. the chicken here tastes so good." Is he really saying, I can't afford to spend the extra, I don't want you to have a more expensive meal than me, or is he saying that he's allergic to shellfish but doesn't know how to let you know without upsetting you? No matter what, he's playing a mind game. He's not telling you the truth behind his reaction to why he didn't want you to have the seafood.
But then, are we just being polite? Are we just having enough tact to say the truth quietly between you at a later stage? I guess that will only be known if the relationship grows... but at the same time, how can it grow if the mind games are there from day one?
What happens when you say to someone you don't want to be more than friends.... and they ask you why? You tell them the truth and they don't like it, even if some of those very same traits are things that they have admitted in past conversations, but when someone else says it, they can't handle the truth, why is it then your problem to feel guilty in being honest with yourself? Isn't it always better to say the truth, and not live the life of a lie, always pretending and never being happy? For God's sake, I know I've been there, and it's not pretty. (hence the reason why I chose to live an honest life now, honest to myself, rather than be stuck in something that feels impossible to get out).
Mind games don't help any relationship - new, old or estranged. Have the courage to say what you really mean, then maybe respect will be reciprocated. But then, it can only be reciprocated if the other party has the coping mechanism to handle the truth... Oh what a world we live in!
Showing posts with label hidden agendas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hidden agendas. Show all posts
Friday, 15 March 2013
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Generosity...
When you love being in someone's company, a friend, a lover, a sibling, a parent... you'd do anything for them. You'd ask them if they need help with anything, you'd drop everything if they asked to catch up, you'd tell them that if you won the lottery, they would be one of the first people they would give some too. Generally, your giving spirit is enhanced when you enjoy being with that person.
So when the shoe is on the other foot, and someone gives generously to you, why are we then so sceptical? Does it ruin the friendship or relationship? Do people like to be considered equals so any gift or help that's unsolicited is questioned for it's motive? I guess it depends on the relationship. If it's your mother, you wouldn't think twice, if it's your lover, you'd soak it up, but when it's a good friend being ultra kind out of the blue, do you wonder where this attention is coming from?
It's hard, because I know myself, I've been extremely giving to friends in the past and have been burnt because they feel like I'm buying their friendship, or we have arguments because they don't want to feel that they 'owe' me something. If you set the standard from the onset, then you're most likely not going to have any problems, as you've begun the relationship knowing the boundaries, but if it's out of the blue, you're unsure of the intentions behind it, as you know you've done nothing to warrant any excess giving, so you think that either they have done something wrong and making up for it, they want something from you that you're not prepared to do or forsake for them so they thought they may sweeten you up, or possibly the worst, buy your friendship for that little bit longer if they think that the friendship is on rocky grounds.
I guess when it comes to a lover, and a gift comes from out of nowhere, you'd suspect the worst. Flowers that don't happen regularly generally mean they had thoughts or actions with another person, or if the present is overly expensive, like a diamond bracelet and there is no special occasion, the warning signs go into overdrive. But when your relationship isn't on equal terms, you truly do feel uncomfortable receiving something you don't, in fact, deserve.
And I guess that's why so many people are reluctant to take money when someone offers them some in their time of need because they are too proud or worried they have to pay it back. Just as some are reluctant to be shouted out for dinner, be given a gift over and above the standard gesture of a token bottle of wine or box of chocolates when invited over for dinner, or sent a bunch of flowers from someone they don't like in 'that way.' They don't want to feel like they owe them something.
It's a tricky one, because you don't want to seem ungrateful, but you don't want to feel obligated to have the friendship based on their generosity. And you definitely don't want to feel there are hidden motives for their actions. As all friendships, relationships and families should be a means of reciprocity, not one-sidedness.
I don't know what to tell you here... if you know that if you were the one giving added attention because you appreciate the person so much, you would feel happy to help and it makes you feel good that you can, but you don't really consider the feelings of the person you're giving to, and how humbled and uncomfortable they may feel about receiving your gesture.
I guess the only thing you can do is be honest... honest about how you feel about receiving expensive or unexpected gifts or gestures. If it turns into an argument, then you know that the 'giver' has a hidden agenda because they become so defensive, and then, you'll realise that the relationship may not be what you thought.
So when the shoe is on the other foot, and someone gives generously to you, why are we then so sceptical? Does it ruin the friendship or relationship? Do people like to be considered equals so any gift or help that's unsolicited is questioned for it's motive? I guess it depends on the relationship. If it's your mother, you wouldn't think twice, if it's your lover, you'd soak it up, but when it's a good friend being ultra kind out of the blue, do you wonder where this attention is coming from?
It's hard, because I know myself, I've been extremely giving to friends in the past and have been burnt because they feel like I'm buying their friendship, or we have arguments because they don't want to feel that they 'owe' me something. If you set the standard from the onset, then you're most likely not going to have any problems, as you've begun the relationship knowing the boundaries, but if it's out of the blue, you're unsure of the intentions behind it, as you know you've done nothing to warrant any excess giving, so you think that either they have done something wrong and making up for it, they want something from you that you're not prepared to do or forsake for them so they thought they may sweeten you up, or possibly the worst, buy your friendship for that little bit longer if they think that the friendship is on rocky grounds.
I guess when it comes to a lover, and a gift comes from out of nowhere, you'd suspect the worst. Flowers that don't happen regularly generally mean they had thoughts or actions with another person, or if the present is overly expensive, like a diamond bracelet and there is no special occasion, the warning signs go into overdrive. But when your relationship isn't on equal terms, you truly do feel uncomfortable receiving something you don't, in fact, deserve.
And I guess that's why so many people are reluctant to take money when someone offers them some in their time of need because they are too proud or worried they have to pay it back. Just as some are reluctant to be shouted out for dinner, be given a gift over and above the standard gesture of a token bottle of wine or box of chocolates when invited over for dinner, or sent a bunch of flowers from someone they don't like in 'that way.' They don't want to feel like they owe them something.
It's a tricky one, because you don't want to seem ungrateful, but you don't want to feel obligated to have the friendship based on their generosity. And you definitely don't want to feel there are hidden motives for their actions. As all friendships, relationships and families should be a means of reciprocity, not one-sidedness.
I don't know what to tell you here... if you know that if you were the one giving added attention because you appreciate the person so much, you would feel happy to help and it makes you feel good that you can, but you don't really consider the feelings of the person you're giving to, and how humbled and uncomfortable they may feel about receiving your gesture.
I guess the only thing you can do is be honest... honest about how you feel about receiving expensive or unexpected gifts or gestures. If it turns into an argument, then you know that the 'giver' has a hidden agenda because they become so defensive, and then, you'll realise that the relationship may not be what you thought.
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