Should Our Vulnerabilities Make You Less of a Person?

Most people are afraid of exposing their weaknesses, when in fact they are physically exposing them everyday through their appearances - the look of stress in their face, their weight, the bags under their eyes from not sleeping, biting their nails, smoking cigarettes, a permanent frown on their face when in their not putting on their 'people' face... you know, the face you automatically put on when you're in company to act professionally at work, to be social with the mums at school, to have your photo taken... No matter how we are in our 'let's show the world who we are today' face, we will let our vulnerabilities be known through our 'no one is watching' face.

So, when someone does catch us losing our guard - biting our nails in public, smoking a cheeky cigarette after dropping the kids off at school, eating that Snickers bar between meals, constantly looking in the mirror because we don't think we are good looking enough, crying in the car when you think no one else can see you.. should it make us less of a person?

Certainly not... it only makes us more human. What is more telling is how the person who caught us in the act reacts... will they do something to show you that they care about us, will they offer idle gossip to people who know us that we let our defences down, or will they ignore us completely because we didn't have our 'social/professional' face up and they don't know how to handle our emotions with us?

Showing our vulnerabilities only makes us more human. It is us reaching out for help, hoping someone will ask us what's wrong, offer to help us or give us emotional support, but so many people just don't want to know...

And that's heartbreaking to me... I go inside the lives of many people, into the privacy of their own homes, and they expose to me - a stranger - some of their hardships and their worries, and all they want is someone to listen, possibly give them some advice, or someone to be compassionate and sympathetic to their plight. Most the time, I walk out of their homes and you can see a small weight has lifted off their shoulders because I've taken the time to help them through their concerns and a smile has emerged. Is it easier to talk to a stranger about your concerns, or is it becoming harder and harder to talk to friends and family about our concerns because they 'know you too well' and think that you're stupid, naive, overly emotional, making things up in your head or simply don't have enough time in their day for your antics?

And this is where the problem lies... if the people closest to us actually took the time to listen, support, appreciate and value all our vulnerabilities, highs and lows, worries and concerns, those characteristics that make up the person who we are, then maybe, those vulnerabilities, worries and concerns would actually lessen and we would be more open to smiling more, laughing more, enjoying ourselves and the people whoa are closest to us more, and stop hiding behind bitten fingernails, cigarettes and Snickers bars.

I must admit, and I'm sure many people who have travelled have experienced the same thing... but once you are out of your comfort zone, away from all the people who have negative things to say about you - your family, your work colleagues, your friends, etc, you actually step away from those vulnerabilities and discover the person you actually are. You fall in love with your confidence, your courage, your ability to actually be out on your own. You actually don't 'give a shit' about anyone else except yourself and your fellow travellers who have also lost that big weight off their shoulders that they are carrying for everyone else. You swap Snickers bars for local produce, you swap biting your nails for being in awe of the landscape, and you smoke cigarettes because it's trendy in Paris or Amsterdam, not because you're stressed about getting through your day.

So next time you see someone who's looking a little frazzled and struggling to keep their 'public face' together, take the time to actually ask them how they are... really ask them, and don't accept the answer 'I'm OK' because you clearly can see that they aren't. Don't feel burdened if they let it all out in a whirlwind of hurts and emotional baggage, just be the sympathetic ear they need and show some genuine compassion, some human spirit and help them rediscover their smile.

Turning 40

I will admit, this year is about turning 40. A chance to move on from the past, build the new and make those goals happen, you know, the goals that have been sitting there for way too long. It's a chance to start my forties with a clean slate and hopefully new beginnings.

So my goals to reach before I turn 40 (in November) are getting back into the healthy zone with my weight, publishing my book (or at least be in negotiations with getting it published) and travel to places I've never been.

Today, I start again, my Lite N Easy program, which is how I lost 22kgs 3 years ago. I will admit, I've returned 10 of those kilos, mostly in the past 12 months due to the unsettled nature of our lives... were we moving overseas or not, the soul destroying loss of my lover and knowing where my place in this world is... 2012 really was, in many ways, an upsetting year, yet I made the most of it with our many adventures that numbed the hurt.

What I got back into today was my exercise routine... a walk down the beach, with a few legs of running, listening to my iPod with the music up loud, to get my legs moving to the music. It really is liberating. You see everyone out in the morning... today I saw a fitness training group monopolise my 108 step staircase with a step exercise, cyclists ignoring stop signs to retain their cycling momentum, and this gorgeous little blonde headed boy who was about 3-4 years old, in a white t-shirt and shorts, playing with a tennis ball, his dog and his grandma on the edge of the waves. It was one of those iconic moments that looked like it should have been on a flickering reel of film from the Fifties. The walk, with your head space filled with music, and your eyes taking in the beauty of your surrounds really puts everything into perspective. It makes you forget your woes, gain clarity in your thoughts and motivated to reach your goals.

So with all the other exercise/diet programs I've started in the past, I know Lite N Easy and my beach walks/runs and now that I have a bike, my 'bike' are what work for me. I got to the point that I didn't lose anymore last time I was on it, so I'm hoping that I can get beyond that point and push towards my ultimate goal.

So that's my inspiration for the day... I hope the New Year, life goals and other reasons help you put you in the place - physically, mentally and emotionally, you want to be, and you can share your stories with us.

Love
Suzy :)

All The Things I Love....

I've just registered for an invite to participate in www.pinterest.com - a website that feeds off Facebook and Twitter that allows you to create a pinboard of all the things you love. And it made me think....

With all the hardships I've gone through over the past 12-18 months and all the things I've been able to rise and shine above, I guess it's a cathartic process, a much needed process just to define the things that I love.

First and foremost, are my boys.

They are great friends who have a love/hate relationship (as all siblings do), especially now that they are confined to a shared bedroom and no space for themselves. I'm am truly blessed with their compassion and love, their silliness and fun, but most of all, that they are there for me.

I love to write... there is no doubt. It feeds my soul, it makes me feel I have a voice, it inspires me to try new things and embrace the world. It's an outlet for my happiness, my sorrow, my confusion, my humour and my understanding of the world. 

I do love my family... but that too has its moments of love/hate. I do find that I am constricted to their expectations, their values and desires, and what I want from my family they aren't prepared to give. No doubt, over the last couple of weeks, they have been more than supportive, the way I wished and hoped they would have been while I was going through the torturous demise of my marriage ending. But the rules change when you lose your sense of power over your own life and give it back to them, just for the interim. Even though I need them the most I've ever needed them right now, I still also value my freedom.

I love a man who can't give me everything I need from him. He's the only person who literally lifts my spirits each time I communicate with him, he's the only person who actually accepts me for me and doesn't try to change me or have other expectations for me. He nurtures me, guides me, teaches me and makes me feel loved, if only in the time we interact. 

I love to travel... it's what makes me feel human, makes me feel at my happiest. It makes me look outside of my world into the homes and hearts of others and appreciate the smaller things in life that make such a difference to others. At the moment, as I've been denied from authorities to travel to one of the countries that I feel most inspired in, it really has crushed my soul. However, I am looking into new ways of being able to fulfil my dream.

I love provincial style homes - homes with antiques, with distressed furniture, homes that look lived in, not a display home for cleanliness. Homes where you can flop on a couch, put your feet up on the coffee table, smell the aroma of home baked goods, a wide verandah to sit on and enjoy a wine with friends or indulge in a book and enjoy a different view of the cottage gardens, the hills beyond or the ocean nearby from inside. I love the rambling look of a home, a roasting fireplace for winter, and a lush meandering garden in summer. 

I love the water... if it's a bath, a swim in the sea, snorkelling in tropical waters, a soothing pond or even a cool drink of H2O. Water is peaceful, enlightening, cooling, calming... 

I love to read - it's an escape into other people's lives, the world that we live in and an observation into the choices we make.

I love music - another escape that defines our emotions, it pinpoints our memories from when you first heard a song and it's something that allows you to connect with another through romantically, emotionally and physically.

I love my friends... I have a handful of friends who have entered my life over the last couple of years who I would be lost without. I have friends from my high school days who are always there in the background and I cherish so deeply. These are the people who understand me most, give me grief when I'm not thinking straight, but are always there for a chat, a hug, a laugh or a shoulder to cry on when I need them. 

But most of all... I love me. I have to. No one will love me as much as I do. I need to understand it more. Make choices about what's most important to me, what's going to be beneficial to me, what's going to make me better as a person and as a writer and understand my boundaries more. I know I need to release the pressure I put myself under and I know I am my worst enemy. But we all are... I blame myself too much for the situations I put myself in and forget that they are life lessons that need to be experienced for me to grow. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I've put a lot of heart and soul into thinking about what is most important to me... and I am going to do my very best to make it happen. If I don't, I know there will be regret. And I can't live a day in my life where I regret not doing something that wants to blossom inside me.

For all my loyal readers, make a list of all the things in your life that you love and make you complete. It makes you feel real again...

For the love of travel... and love

Traveling is something that I have found only in the last three years, but I've found it's something that desperately feeds my soul. But it's not just the act of traveling, it's the people at the other end who make it so worth while. It's the adventure, it's the spontaneity, it's the unknown and it's the knowing that I'm going to see someone I love. Seeing someone who loves me, who is my absolute happiness. But it's not only my lover in the United States, it's my best friend in London and it's my love of being one with nature and discovering new unexpected cultures. The adrenalin rush of knowing that I'm going on a journey of seeing people who are happy and excited to see me, and places that are totally different to what I have at home, is what lifts my soul and spirit to heights I've never reached before.

Some of my favourite travels have been with my boys, but others have been when I've travelled solo. Snorkelling in the Pacific with my boys off an island in Fiji watching the real life tropical aquarium under us as we float on the surface would possibly be my favourite memory of all time. And a very close second was when I first met my lover...

I hadn't heard much from him the week leading up to our first meeting as he was on a brother-bonding trip with his four brothers. At that stage, we were only starting to email each other as he felt that it might be risky, but most of our conversations happened on Skype or through the website we met each other on. So as he was without computer to communicate, I'd usually had a one line email from him once a day from his phone, as he hates to use the keyboard on his phone, but it was nice to see he was making an effort.

I'd booked a hotel in Albuquerque New Mexico, as I was coming in at 6.30pm. He was working the next morning a three hour drive away in Tucumcari the next morning, so it was decided that I would meet him in his lunch break the next day. Six hours before I left Melbourne I get an email... "Where will you be staying Monday night?" I tell him, but say that if I get a better offer, it could be changed. Three hours later another email... "I could meet you in Santa Rosa, it's a 121 mile drive from the airport for you, and just a 55 mile drive from Tucumcari for me."My heart was racing. I would be seeing him 15 hours earlier than I originally thought. I didn't care that I had never driven a car on the other side of the road, or the other side of the car. That the sun would be setting when I arrived, so most of the driving will be in the dark. That I possibly wouldn't have slept the entire 22 hour flight over. I didn't care. I just wanted to see him as soon as possible.

My flight was segmented into three flights - Melbourne to Sydney, Sydney to Los Angeles and Los Angeles to Albuquerque, then approximately a 2 hour drive to Santa Rosa. At each flight change, there was another message or a chance to call him on his cell. It was so good hearing his voice on his cell. So sexy with his Texan twang. When I finally arrived in Albuquerque, it was 33 degrees Celsius (91F), a far cry from the 10 degrees (50F) I left Melbourne in. I had layered my clothes, so that I could strip off as the weather improved, but unfortunately not my shoes.

I went to the car rental place to pick up my pre-ordered car. There were three people ahead of me in the queue and nothing was going quick enough. While I was standing in line, I tossed up the idea about taking the standard compact I booked or take on the weekly special - a convertible Mustang for an extra $50 a day. I get to the counter and discover that there is a choice between a red, white or blue Mustang available - oh how American. I chose red.

I had built myself up about this trip as being the 'trip of freedom.' If the lover didn't work out, I would just cruise the open roads finding out about the culture, the people and the enchanting secrets New Mexico has to offer. So I had to look the part and the car was the perfect fit.

I put my bags in the boot (trunk!), replaced my boots with my thongs (flip-flops!), sprayed on some perfume, touched up my make-up and made sure that my red camisole looked just right with my black bra underneath and my blue jeans. I jumped into the Mustang, worked out my bearings and the instructions he gave me and set off into my happiness.

His instructions read to make my way to I-25 North and turn down I-40 West towards Santa Rosa. When I made it to the I-40 turn off, it said I-40 West took me to Gallup, and I-40 East took me to Santa Rosa. From my studious study of Google Maps before my departure, I was sure that he had made a mistake and that I should take I-40 East. I figured that if the turn-off numbers wouldn't go up, then I could just do a U-turn and make my way back. His next direction was to take the turn off at 375. I was relieved to see the numbers going up, but I was only at 190, a long way from 375.

I was high on excitement, but finding it difficult to keep myself awake on this long stretch of road. So many things to concentrate on - keeping to the right rather than the left, being bombarded by road trains and semi-trailers and sticking the driver's side to the line instead of to the left like I was used to. I didn't want to look over to see how the radio worked to keep me going, so I started singing songs to myself to make the time go quicker and keep my wits end. I reached Clines Corner, turn off 218a and my Garmin GPS said I only had 56 miles to go. But as I was going along, it seemed that each turn off was an indication of how many miles I'd traveled. Did he mean to take turn off 275 rather than 375? I guess I won't know until I get there..

I turn a corner in the road and see the glimmering lights of a town ahead. The signs suggest it's Santa Rosa, and yes, I'm at the 271 mile mark. Two miles to turn off 273, and another two miles to 275, the one I'm supposed to take. My heart is pumping a million miles an hour and the smile is not coming off my face. He asked me to call him when I was at the 273 mile mark, but my phone had no service. I just had to wing it, and I was already 45 minutes later than I suggested I would be because of the queue waiting at the car rental.

I make the turn off and see the Shell service station he wanted to meet at to the left. At least he got something right. I make a left, unsure of which side of the road I should be on, as there was no traffic in sight. I turn left, but yes on the wrong side of the median strip, only to realise after I'd done it that I better find the right side of the road before I have a head on with someone. Luckily the median strip was only 100 metres long, and I was able to duck to the right. We decided to meet outside Joseph's diner, the restaurant in front of the RV park he had parked his 5th-wheeler RV. Most would say it's a bit dodgy to come half way around the world and be meeting at 9.50pm in front of a Route 66 diner a stranger you met on the internet. But for me, that was part of the adventure. And if he wasn't right, I had my Mustang and I would shoot straight out of there faster than the Road Runner.

I crawled along old Route 66 to find Josephs and see it at that last minute to make the turn into the parking lot. I got out of the car and tried to see a man walking his dog up and down the street, as that was his plan. I couldn't see him. I didn't know what to do, as my phone still didn't have any service. I rushed into the diner to ask if they had a pay phone for me to make a call. The waitress hands me her cell phone and I called him. I told him I was out the front with my red Mustang. I thanked the waitress, completely forgetting to tip her in local customary fashion and rushed outside to wait by my retro car.

Out from the darkness, I saw a tall silhouette and a dog coming towards me. I walked up towards them, first greeting his dog, then looking at him. He gave me an almighty hug and a peck on the lips. He asked me to move into the light so he could see me better. He leant up against my Mustang with the street light above us, and said "WOW - You are so much prettier in person! How can you smell so good when you've just traveled 24 hours to get here?" Admittedly, he was so much more handsome in person than on Skype. He picked me up, lifting my toes off the ground and kissed me like lovers do. He was strong, his eyes were so magnetic, his smile just beautiful. We got in the car and drove to get something to eat, both of us too nervous to have eaten prior. He kept his hand on my knee as he drove my little fun car, looking at me with the most perfect smile.

We went back to his RV (his very luxuriously decked out RV), had our meal and a glass of champagne to celebrate our meeting. It was already late, and he had to leave at 7am to get to work in Tucumcari. We made love is ways that I'd never done before, but felt so right to be doing with him. It was magical, he was more than I could have ever imagined he would be. He was perfect.

So when I travel, it's for the love of happiness I have at the other side. For when I come home, through those Customs gates at Tullamarine Airport, all I want to do is turn around and go back again. I come home to an empty house with either my boys with me or my boys still at school, work phone calls demanding me to be somewhere within two hours of walking in the door, and the stressed monotony of home. My happiness isn't here. As no one embraces me with as much love and vitality as I get when I travel. My boys love me, and give me hugs when I return from days of travel, as I them, but it's not the same...

There is something that is so powerful when someone loves you because they choose to love you, not because they are obliged to love you as family loves you. When someone chooses to love you, they love you because of your characteristics, the warmth in your heart, because you're sexy and fun, because you're an inspiration, because you are 'you.' It makes you feel good that you are loved for who you are. Family loves you because you have a responsibility to them, because you help them, guide them, give them life and opportunity, as your parents did for you. Sometimes you just want a chance to be 'you' and not the several different hats you wear for all your responsibilities. And that's what travel does for me... I love the freedom and love it gives me, and I know that I could never be the best mum to my boys if it were ever taken away from me. They know that I come home to them being a better mum, and they know that I will give them every opportunity to have a global experience. The balance has to be right. I just know where I'd rather be.

PS Parts of this tale will be featured in my book 'On the Road to the Best Orgasm Ever.'