Dating 101

Over the weekend, I had three encounters with three different men. All with different intentions, but all trying somehow to win me over. If I could take the good out of all of them and put them into one person, that would be perfect, but sadly, all but one had some positives and negatives. I'm going to put a compilation of all the goods and the bads, to show potential suitors of any single mother what they want to hear, and what will send them away. But first I must outline the scenarios.

Encounter One: A married work colleague who I told only a few weeks ago that I wasn't prepared to go out with him because I was tired of being someone's second or someone's secret, and he told me that he would contact me again in this capacity when he had moved out of home. However, he thinly disguised a 'date' by asking me to lunch to talk 'business' in a marketing capacity, which I didn't really appreciate, but because it's work, I sort of had to go.

Encounter Two: A brunch date with a guy I kissed back in high school, 27 years ago. We met up on Facebook about 18 months ago and have been keen to see each other since. He currently is in a committed relationship with a woman and they have a toddler, and home is almost 2000kms away. To me, it was a catch up chat and it would be awesome to see him after so long as a mate.

Encounter Three: A Skype date with my first love from about the same time frame as Encounter Two. We have been friends again for the last 5 years, but he lives in another country. I'm enjoying being friends with him, and we get along really well. It's just hard that we live so far away, because we do have a lot in common, and we are currently both single. Thank goodness for Skype!

Negatives first I think….

• Don't be late. One of these men were over 20 minutes late and I was about to walk out. The other was waiting for half an hour for me (I turned up on time) and explained that he was early because he didn't know how long it would take for him to get there. The other was right on time.
• Don't tell a woman that she had such a hot body when she was in high school and that she could do with some exercise now. Ummm… this is what happens when you've had 2 kids, and an exceptional amount of stress from a volatile marriage and then divorce. Live with it!
• Don't tell a woman that you think her kids are spoiled. As a single mum, you are both mum and dad, and you give your kids all you've got, and are self-sacrificing as a result.
• Don't tell a woman that you think that we should make a go of it, because we chatted for 2 hours and were never lost for words, so we must do it again. Ummm… you talk to be polite and to get to know someone. My longest first date ever was 5.5 hours of just talking, and you could feel the relationship growing as we went along, so 2 hours is nothing, and it means nothing.
• Don't tell another woman that your partner knows that you will never leave her. Doesn't ever make the other woman feel any good about herself.
• Don't kiss and run.
• Don't try to get a woman drunk by buying 2 bottles of wine on a lunch date, hoping to seduce her. She is only going to think you are a pisshead and you have complete disregard for driving laws and the rest of society.
• Don't be arrogant.
• Don't put down the way she lives her life, believing that you have a better way of life.
• Don't take advantage of her time.
• Don't undermine her intelligence.
• Don't have your cell/mobile phone on. It will never make her feel important if you keep checking it or talking to it. Make her feel wanted.
• Never make her sit and wait for you. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and out of place.
• Don't bring up the negatives from past relationships.

Positives:

• Order for your woman. It's nice to see a man take charge.
• Pay for the date, but don't be over the top in wasting money/showing off your wealth.
• Compliment her… tell her she looks nice.
• Smile at her from across the room, like you are mesmerised by her.
• Laugh at your weaknesses, to show you are vulnerable too.
• Enjoy her company.
• Hesitate to say goodbye/end the date.
• Tell her when there will be a next time… courage and confidence in knowing exactly when you can see each other again is always something to look forward to, for both parties.
• Listen to her.
• Give her your undivided attention always.
• Take her for a walk after your meal… it's nice to have a chat without having the background noise of a cafe/restaurant.
• Stare at her affectionately, not like a stalker.
• Engage in eye contact.
• Talk about positive things in your life and bring out the positive things in your date's life. 
• Enjoy her.
• Make her feel safe.
• Acknowledge her children - either talk to them, talk about them positively or ask her to say hello to them. She is a package deal, and if you can't accept them in her life, she can't accept you.
• Most importantly, MAKE HER LAUGH!

And then there is Encounter No 4 (a phone call today)… someone who knows I like him, does everything to flirt with me, feels compassionate about the fact that I like him, yet does nothing about it besides tease me with his irresistible wit and charismatic voice. Calls me today to ask for something (work related), then tells me that he gets to see me in a couple of days and is looking forward to it! AARRGGHH!! Super frustrating because he is single, local and we get along so well!

But then I guess it's good to finally start getting some attention, even if the attention doesn't always have the right intentions, it's nice to feel wanted. Oh, the conflict!

Dexter's Diary

Last weekend, when we went to New Zealand, Dexter stayed with some friends in the country. My friend was nice enough to write Dexter's diary while we were away… and here it is…

My Weekend away from my Family

Day 1.
Started out as normal although everyone was home on a  school/work day. That wasn't normal but it was nice. We went for a drive and met Aunty G. Then I found myself in a strange car and my family was gone. I cried a bit, I tried to be brave, but I was a bit sad. Then the car stopped and I got out and I knew where I was. I had a sniff around and tried to lift my leg for a wee but was still a bit wobbly from my travel pills, so I just squatted. I tried to eat some kangaroo poo but Aunty G made me spit it out. We went inside and Rosy was surprised to see me. We played together for a while and had something to eat, then we went for a walk. That was fun! Rosy got to run around off the lead but I had to stay on mine. I still got to run though with Aunty G. When we came back, I decided to sit on the deck and wait for my family to come across the road from my house, but they didn't come.

 I came back inside and played with Rosy for a while. Then Aunty and Uncle G had to go out for dinner, so I had to stay in the laundry but that was OK, cos I needed to rest by then. Luckily Mum put some puppy pads in my bag because I needed a wee while they were out. When they came home, we played a bit more and I forgot to go outside and did a poo in the office - Whoops! I didn't get in trouble though. Rosy and I went outside for a wee then it was bed time. Back to the laundry for me. It wasn't too bad, I was good and slept all night. I didn't have to use the puppy bad again.

Day 2.
Uncle G got up early because he was working. He let me out for a wee and he let me stay in the lounge until Aunty G and Rosy got up. I just curled up on Rosy's spot on the lounge.

Rosy was a bit grumpy when she got up and didn't want to play, but she came around eventually and we played for a little while. I kept going out on the deck waiting for my family to come. I checked out the back yard to see if there was a way out but no luck. Oh Good! It's walks time! We walked around to see Uncle V and Maggie, but Uncle V was in bed and wouldn't get up, but we got to say hello to Maggie. We went to see a friend of Rosy's… that was fun! Her name is Molly. I think she liked me because she kept following me around the backyard. When we got back we were really hungry after all the exercise, so we had a snack and a drink then we got really tired and had a nap… zzzzzzzzz….

Awake now and Uncle G just got home from work. We gave him a nice welcome. Rosy and I had some playtime. We were running around the lounge and chewing up pine cones. We made a bit of a mess but the old people didn't seem to mind. 

It's dinner time and Rosy's having my puppy food. I know that smell, but they won't let me have any. I've just got the same old boring dry food. Oh now it's "Party Time" as Uncle V is here. He finally got out of bed!! After he went home we had some quiet time, watching TV, then it was bed time. I didn't scratch at the door and I didn't need to use the puppy pad… Aunty G was pleased.

Day 3…

Morning again and I had a good sleep. I had some toast for breakfast. I liked that. I spend some time outside in the fresh air, then it was walk time. I nearly got to eat some more kangaroo poo, but Aunty G's right onto me! I don't see the problem with it, I'm sure it's gotta be better than dry food. I'm sitting in the lounge now watching football with Uncle G. I'm not really watching it, as I'm thinking about my family. Uncle V came over again for "Party Time." There is a lot of partying going on in this home. While the olds were having their fun, Rosy and I had lots of our own fun playing. After Uncle V went home, we had a bit of quiet time watching TV then some more play time. I had a few treats tonight. Aunty G gave me a little bit of Rosy's food and I wasn't sick. And Uncle V brought some sausage rolls and they were really yummy. It's bed time now, but I don't really want to sleep in the laundry anymore. I'm trying to avoid it. I'm hiding on the chair hoping she won't notice. Oh no, she found me. Now I'm off… to the laundry… It's not so bad. Goodnight.

Day 4…

Uncle G woke me up this morning. When he let me out of the laundry I was having a lovely sleep. I went outside for a while then I went upstairs to say Good Morning to Aunty G and she gave me lots of morning cuddles. Rosy and I played tug of war then we had some bacon and egg for breakfast. Uncle J came over too, and he was nice to me. After Uncle J left I saw my family's car come up the road, so I got extra excited. They came around the back and I was so happy to see them. I jumped over my brothers and they rolled on the floor with me. I enjoyed my time with Aunty and Uncle G and Rosy, but I was happy to go home with my family. Thanks for looking after me Aunty and Uncle G! xx

Earthquake City

Last weekend, we went to Christchurch. The last time I was there, was almost 6 years ago, and the city has been rocked with earthquakes since. I also had my own car and a GPS this time, so I was able to hone in on places I visited 30+ years ago. The one thing I loved about Christchurch is it's ability to stand tall. Even though the streets looked like a war zone of witch's hats and crumbling bitumen, somehow a community is still working, still going to school, still shopping and still enjoying their town… and it is still a very pretty town in places.

Our first stop for the morning was the Christchurch CBD. We parked in a metered parking area with no meter, just outside a make-shift retail sector created completely out of shipping containers. It… looked… awesome!

We stopped for brunch in one of the cafes in this little commune - the boys had pancakes and I had portacello mushrooms on toast - yum!

We then went to check out the Quake Experience, which really wasn't s good as they made it out to be. However, it did have a lot of artefacts of iconic buildings that crumbled to the ground.

We walked along the boulevard and found the Cathedral, a symbol of how heartbreaking the earthquakes of September 2011 and February 2012 actually were.

But don't you love how they have dressed up their city with so much colour to take away the tragic appearances of the devastation?

We then got back into the car and went to find the house my dad grew up in… when we got there, the street was filled with paddocks and only one or two houses left in the street. Can you imagine, a street and even a suburb literally 2-3 kilometres from the centre of town completely dissolved by a natural disaster? Apparently, the ground sunk about a metre...

After that, we went to my cousins house so our boys could play together for the last time. For some reason a cardboard box was entertaining enough for them, until the big guns came out… literally! My cousin showed my boys how to do target shooting with bb guns, and then pulled out his mini quad bike for them to take spins out on the neighbouring school oval.

They had so much fun together! I'm sure it won't be long till we can bring them together again.

Christchurch is still such a lovely town, with friendly people and loads of fun-filled, action packed things to do. I'm sure we will make another trip over there soon.

Saying Goodbye...

This weekend, we went to New Zealand to say our final farewell to my one and only blood aunt who died after a short illness aged 65. Really really young…

I started to get to know her properly in the last ten years when she stayed over at my home a few times for other family occasions. We had little chats about life, family and our outlooks on life, and in many ways we were very similar, which surprised me in one way yet was comforting in another, as for many years I couldn't understand the upbringing I had had, with the lack of extended family around us and the 'practical attitude' of life that was instilled into me, when I was always yearning for family to show that they cared and had compassion, and somehow, through this aunt, I found it was possible.

The day itself overwhelmed me in many ways… and I will say 'overwhelmed' overwhelmingly too much, but it was just that… overwhelming. My boys and I arrived at my cousins house around 10.30am  on the day of the funeral. My cousin's daughter gave me a running hug, so excited to see me, and I was so overwhelmed by it, as I'd never had someone welcome me with so much gusto, being so pleased to see me. It instantly brought me to tears. We went inside to see my cousin and she asked us if we wanted to see her mum/my aunt, as she was lying in her coffin on her bed. We went into the room and she was lying there, so peaceful, yet you could see the life was taken out of her. It was strange, yet hard to see at the same time, because she always had so much love to give. She was in an eco-friendly coffin, designed to write messages on it from the grieving. So the boys and I wrote our little messages with brightly coloured pens, gem stickers and drawings.

We then helped blow up some helium balloons, so that they could be released as a final tribute. My boys had fun blowing and tying up the balloons, but also sucking on the helium. My other cousin, the son of my aunt turned up with his two boys and his wife, and my boys and their boys were instantly friends.

The funeral was at 2pm… We arrived at around 1.40pm, and the car park was already full with t parking attendants directing the traffic. There would have been at least 400 people there. I got to see my uncle, who 18 months ago I got to see for the first time in about 28 years, and see his wife and their boys (who are my age and older) who I hadn't seen since I was nine. Again, it was all overwhelming for me being in the same space as my distant family, but have so much heartfelt love for each other. My uncle gave me plenty of hugs, hugs that were warm and tender, something I had never felt from my own father. It boggles me that they can be related. The funeral itself was lovely, and full of tears, especially when my aunt's best friend of 60 years talked, and my cousin's daughter talked. At the end, my cousin asked me to step in to be a pallbearer… There I was standing there with my aunt's brother, her son-in-law, her daughter, her son, her nephew and her niece… me, carrying her out of the chapel. We placed her in the car, grabbed the balloons and handed them out to all the family members and released them as the car drove off. My cousin's husband is Maori, and his Maori friends stood in a line in the driveway as a mark of respect to say goodbye. It was almost too perfect… it was the perfect send off for my beautiful aunt.

They say some people know when it's time to leave this world, and my aunt had it in her heart that she wanted to go. The stories I heard about her last weeks, seemed like she did everything she ever wanted, including seeing her children and grandchildren in the right places in their lives. There was only one thing she wanted to do, that she didn't get round to doing… one final trip to Australia, a trip where she could be herself and do what she wanted without being a burden on family. She wanted to leave, and we must all respect her wish, even though we will miss her terribly and always love her.

Goodbye lovely lady...

Family Fun Day!

Yesterday we had a public holiday in Melbourne, and after a weekend of feeling a little ordinary for two of us, a bit of homework, a bit of catch up shopping and a lot of relaxing, I took the boys into the city for a Family Fun Day. I do one of these every now and again, to 1) get my kids out of the house, 2) show them a side of the world that they may not be familiar with, 3) to just embrace life.

Everything, while not planned, was timed perfectly for the day. We arrived at the train station with just 2 minutes before the train departed, we arrived at our destination with just 5 minutes before the 1/2 hour show started… and I had happy boys (sometimes it's like pulling teeth to go to places that they haven't been to before, but yesterday it wasn't).

Our first destination was the Old Melbourne Gaol. Something I should have gone to as a child as a school excursion, but never did, and it was always in the back of my mind to go. We first were treated like a criminal in the Watch House by a Sergeant, who locked us up in the darkened cells and were explained why and some of the infamous 'who's' who entered the Watch House before they were sentenced in court.

After playing taking our photos as mugshots and in jail, we went to the actual gaol and were amazed by the thickness of the bluestone walls, the darkness of the entire building and the smallness of the individual cells. Some may feel it's inhumane, but somewhere there must be a balance of what was once and the $40,000 per prisoner per year lifestyle they have now, after all, some do treat prison as a home away from home, as they are afforded so many luxuries in prison they may not even get at home. My boys played with the Ned Kelly armour, saw the hanging platform and peeped through the peep holes. My oldest son thought it was much better than he expected, my youngest son thought that it would be better, as he wanted to see real life prisoners…. Me don't think so!

After the Gaol, we went to Strike Bowling to have a game of ten-pin bowling. It took us a while
to get going, but my youngest ended up with the only strike (with bumpers), and I got a couple of spares (without bumpers), but all in all it was a bit of fun. The boys then wanted to play a bit of air-hockey and test their boxing punch, before we decided that we were a little bit hungry.

We then walked the streets of Melbourne, through the arcades,  and my youngest needed a Onesie suit for the school pyjama party this Friday, so we found him the dinosaur suit he was after. (love killing two birds with one stone!) We walked through the new Emporium building and beyond to our favourite little French Belgian waffle maker. The boys had their waffles and some Orangina - our favourite French beverage, and I decided to go the ham and brie baguette… So Yum!

As we had a few more things to do when we got home, we headed to Flinders Street station and the boys filled up at the Candy Station, and I indulged in a Spanish hot chocolate with a splash of hazelnut… OMG you must try!

The sun was shining so beautifully, my boys were behaving the best they ever had on one of our little adventures and we had lots of laughs, hugs and silliness which makes it the perfect day out. As my oldest is a teenager next month, I'm not sure how many more of these days are left in us, but I will cherish each and every one of them from here on in. Love my boys!

Gratitude...

I'm the kind of person who needs to be on the go! I need something to drive me, something to look forward to and someone to be there for me so I can motivate myself to be my best. And at the moment, I really do feel like I'm in a lull… I am slowly sending out my manuscript to literary agents to get an agent, I thought I had a mutual love interest but sadly it wasn't as mutual as I thought and my work has slowed down. This time of year, I usually escape to the other side of the world because work is typically slow, but this year, it hasn't happened. So as I miss all the things that aren't happening - love, travel and opportunity, yet I express gratitude for the little things in each day that make each day special. For today, a fairly lazy Sunday, I was able to:

• Have the time to cook my boys French toast for breakfast and make freshly squeezed orange juice.
• go to bed feeling a little sick, but woke up feeling better
• Have my dog Dexter was snuggling up to me at night
• See the spots on my chin that I woke up to yesterday morning have cleared away
• Have a lovely walk along the beach with Dexter this morning and be able to take some gorgeous pics
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• Be able to breathe in the fresh air
• Be able to touch base with a couple of amazing friends
• Cook my boys some cupcakes
• Have a no-car day
• Enjoy the warmth of my Ugg boots
• Be able to sit down and read some more of the current book (I've been trying to read it for almost 4 months now… I've been struggling with getting into it, but somehow I'm now up to page 167 of 499 and I'm starting to see the light… not sure how this book is considered to be a best seller… well I do - the highly anticipated next novel from an acclaimed author, great marketing and people buying it… just not sure if those buying it are actually reading it and recommending it as it's a really hard read - lots of ideas, history and an assortment of language mixed in).
• See Dexter playing at the park with all his other dog friends
• Love a hot shower (but wish I had a bath)
• Get cuddles, cheekiness and laughs from my boys

And I am truly grateful for all the amazing things that are in my life, so many more fulfilling things that so many people can't experience or have in their lives due to finances, proximity or people in their lives. One day, the things that I feel are missing will come, or be superseded by something more powerful, and that's always something to look forward to, even if there isn't a definitive date.

How Do You Decide?

How many times have you been in a situation that someone tells you they like you, someone you never really could see yourself with or never even considered him/her, only to find yourself thinking of the possibilities?

I've decided that that particular situation is called 'settling.' Someone likes you, they boost your ego because you feel adored by that person, they give you so much attention, yet that person really isn't the person for you. You talk yourself into taking on their interests, or enjoying that side to their personality, but one day you know, you will resent them for things that weren't true to you.

The hardest thing of all is finding mutual attraction, mutual interests and a mutual love. And then it's being on the same page at the same time. So many factors that can make the right people for each other not ever actually be together. It's so frustrating.

For instance, my very first boyfriend said to me when we broke up back in 1988 that he loved me but now is not the right time, but one day it will be the right time. I held onto that thought… possibly naively knowing that one day we would find each other again. And we did… but he now lives in London, and me in Melbourne. We've communicated now for almost 5 years, initially when he had a girlfriend, but now, we are both single, yet on other sides of the world. But through those 5 years of communicating, I've worked out that we could never be a couple for many reasons, but it's so good still having him as a friend.

As for my most recent love interest, everything on paper makes us perfect to be together - we get along like a house on fire, we have kids the same age, we are both divorced, there isn't any huge age difference between us, we work in similar fields, we both have a love for travel and our kids, everything feels right in so many ways, yet the one little thing that's holding him back is that his separation was about a year ago, and I just feel he's just not ready to jump into anything… or maybe he feels he would be 'settling' with me (even though I am a fabulous catch!).

I had another interested party contact me recently who showed some serious interest in me, but for how sweet and loveable he is, I know I would be settling, as I'm not attracted to him and in the situation he's in now, I know I'm worth more.

And that's the reality of it all… you have to work out your self worth. It's not about being picky or having someone give you an ego boost because it's been so long since you've felt wanted, desired or even just loved; it's about what sits right for you, how comfortable you are with that person, and how much they treasure and respect the beauty that's in you and you can reciprocate. That's when you know you have mutuality… that's when you know it's right.