Some days you know you need to let the things that are bogging you down go. You know… the things that don't sit right with you - it could be a job, a friendship that's passed it's expiry date, a marriage, a way of thinking or belief, a political agenda, an association… Those things that somehow, the harder you hold onto them, the worse the situations that surround the people involved get. Maybe it's because your attitude towards them is constantly in the negative and you can't see any positive in them anymore, or possibly everything that's not sitting right with you is proving their point. Either way, when you get to that turning point that you need to make a decision, and quick, a massive sense of relief overwhelms you.
I had one of those situations during the week. You all know that I was involved with a married man for a good 2.5 years. And I vowed that I would never do it again, as I felt like I don't want to be someone's secret friend or be in second place. A few months back, my neighbour put my details on an internet dating site on a drunken night. Another thing I thought I would never do again, based on sifting through all the crap to get to that possible 'one.' Instantly a local man showed some interest. He said he was separated and wanted a relationship that gave him an opportunity to communicate. Ticking both boxes for me. After about a month of texting, we got together, but it was always at my place. He wouldn't take me out, he didn't tell me his surname (and as far as I'm concerned, I have no idea if his first name is real). I questioned his marital status from the very start, and he gradually let me in. He told me it was complicated!! That he'd been separated for 2 years from his wife in the physical sense - she had been living with her parents, but he was still financially responsible for her, as she has a serious mental illness. He needed his in-laws to look after his wife, but also his children when he went overseas for business, so it was a married he literally couldn't get out from until his children had left school. I felt sorry for him, because it was a real Catch 22.
I thought I would give it a go, test him a little to see how 'ready' he was to actually find some happiness for himself, yet the more and more we spent time together the more withdrawn he became. He kept promising me to take me out for lunch or breakfast, but did it only once - and the whole 25 minutes we were at the cafe, he couldn't sit still - had to make phone calls outside, go to the toilet and was eager to get away. He sat down to order his meal and eat it, that's it. And all he could say to me was 'what else is happening?' He would never offer any information about himself. I just felt that I'd been conned by a weak married man again.
He only had his phone number and he only ever texted me, so I figured that would be the way that I would break up with him. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. He told me from the very start that he would give me a fair relationship, yet none of what we had was fair. I told him again how I didn't want to be someone's secret friend and how he treated me like that from the very start and nothing had changed. I told him that I couldn't be with someone who wasn't true to themselves, as I wouldn't be true to myself. I wished him to find happiness and signed off. He wrote back 'deeply apologising and saying how much he respects how I live my life (I guess, that's a stab at the way I don't respect his life) and how he finds it difficult to talk about himself, due to his unconventional marriage, and he was sorry for any hurt he had caused. So I closed the door…
The next day, I was waiting at a property to write up its advertising copy, and it was in a seedy part of town. There was a man lying on a mattress under a blanket at 12 Noon just metres away from the entrance of the apartment block I needed to go to, and the area is known for street walkers and drugs. So 'waiting' out the front of an apartment block for a real estate agent isn't the best thing to be doing. I pressed the buzzer of the apartment to see if anyone was there, but no one was. A man with a grunge peroxided haired look walked towards me, casually like he had somewhere to go, but then stopped suddenly in front of me. He took off his sunglasses and said to me "You. Are. Gorgeous!" I was taken aback a little and said "Thank You." not sure how to take it - if it was a complement for normal people, or if he thought I was a pretty good looking prostitute. The agent turned up, just in time. And the man asked him if I was his wife. The agent said no, and the man said 'Ok' and just walked off like he didn't want to be in the middle of something (like a transaction!). Funny! So that was my door that opened!! A compliment that my friends say that I should bathe in! HA!!
But really, I see the door closing as getting rid of yet another thing that's not sitting right with me to allow opportunities that are right for me to come in. No more sleepless nights of worry and 'what ifs'. More peace in my heart about keeping the good and enjoying life. There are doors that are a little ajar at the moment in all aspects of my life ready to be opened wide open, when the time is right. There's no hurry because I trust now that I can recognise what's good for me, and what's bad.
Friday, 23 May 2014
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Living a Dependent Lifestyle
Last night, the Australian Federal Government handed down the Federal Budget and most people are annoyed that it will hit middle class to lower class Australians hard. There is going to be a co-payment of $7 each time you go to a doctor or emergency department, the Family Tax benefit B will not exist anymore for parents with children over 6, unemployment benefits will not be available for under 25s, and university fees will be deregulated. And that's just a small part of the damning budget.
But I will go back to what I wrote about a few weeks back about single mothers being dependent on their ex-spouses to provide child support. DON'T DEPEND ON ANYONE!!! Treat government hand-outs as a bonus not a necessity, treat child support as a help not something you need. NO ONE can help you, unless you help yourself.
I can understand why the government has introduced $7 co-payment fees for seeing a doctor - the number of people waiting for bulk-billing doctors to get a free service is an absolute joke. Most see them because they are lonely and over the years, the local church minister (a free service) has been replaced by the doctor because of bulk-billing. And that's a phenomenon that happens around the world. It also stops dependent drug users doing the rounds getting prescriptions from different doctors, because they won't be able to find the money to keep seeing them so regularly.
As for no unemployment benefits for under 25 year olds… there is a lot of sense to that. With many children staying at home longer, it makes parents more accountable. With the rapidly growing IT/internet world out there, it makes young, tech savvy children possible to be entrepreneurs in the IT world and create their own businesses… even if it's not IT based where they make computer games, software, etc, it could be eBay trading, or accounts based, writing based, stock-market based, … just something where they could sit at home and feed off the information from the net to make a dollar.
If the government doesn't set standards now, or, if you like, reduce the ease of getting hand-outs now, then we will have a growingly dependent society, and everyone will be on some type of government hand-out. Our country can't afford to be having a generation dependent on government money and in turn, no one paying any tax.
I will admit, that I do receive money from the government, but I don't need it. I only get it because I've registered my children in the system and they just gave it to me. As for child support, I have registered for it, ONLY because I believe both my ex-husband and I brought our kids into this world and he needs to take some responsibility for that. However, I am not dependent on it (in fact he hasn't paid a dime since December).
The only thing I do disagree on regarding the budget is making it less affordable for university/college students. If we don't educate our society, then we will not have the people to run the $20 billion medical research centre, or advance or sciences, economics, arts or trades. We need to take a leaf out of the Scandinavian countries who make it almost free to go to university for all types of vocations, but then pay higher taxes for the privilege of it, ensuring there is almost no welfare system as everyone has the skills, qualifications and personal know-how to get a job or have a career.
Education is the key to ensuring every person in society can be independent. If that is our foundation, then we will all have a healthy economic country, a fabulous lifestyle and generations to come of eager kids who want to make a go of themselves (and maybe even stop being dependent on their parents before they are 25!).
But I will go back to what I wrote about a few weeks back about single mothers being dependent on their ex-spouses to provide child support. DON'T DEPEND ON ANYONE!!! Treat government hand-outs as a bonus not a necessity, treat child support as a help not something you need. NO ONE can help you, unless you help yourself.
I can understand why the government has introduced $7 co-payment fees for seeing a doctor - the number of people waiting for bulk-billing doctors to get a free service is an absolute joke. Most see them because they are lonely and over the years, the local church minister (a free service) has been replaced by the doctor because of bulk-billing. And that's a phenomenon that happens around the world. It also stops dependent drug users doing the rounds getting prescriptions from different doctors, because they won't be able to find the money to keep seeing them so regularly.
As for no unemployment benefits for under 25 year olds… there is a lot of sense to that. With many children staying at home longer, it makes parents more accountable. With the rapidly growing IT/internet world out there, it makes young, tech savvy children possible to be entrepreneurs in the IT world and create their own businesses… even if it's not IT based where they make computer games, software, etc, it could be eBay trading, or accounts based, writing based, stock-market based, … just something where they could sit at home and feed off the information from the net to make a dollar.
If the government doesn't set standards now, or, if you like, reduce the ease of getting hand-outs now, then we will have a growingly dependent society, and everyone will be on some type of government hand-out. Our country can't afford to be having a generation dependent on government money and in turn, no one paying any tax.
I will admit, that I do receive money from the government, but I don't need it. I only get it because I've registered my children in the system and they just gave it to me. As for child support, I have registered for it, ONLY because I believe both my ex-husband and I brought our kids into this world and he needs to take some responsibility for that. However, I am not dependent on it (in fact he hasn't paid a dime since December).
The only thing I do disagree on regarding the budget is making it less affordable for university/college students. If we don't educate our society, then we will not have the people to run the $20 billion medical research centre, or advance or sciences, economics, arts or trades. We need to take a leaf out of the Scandinavian countries who make it almost free to go to university for all types of vocations, but then pay higher taxes for the privilege of it, ensuring there is almost no welfare system as everyone has the skills, qualifications and personal know-how to get a job or have a career.
Education is the key to ensuring every person in society can be independent. If that is our foundation, then we will all have a healthy economic country, a fabulous lifestyle and generations to come of eager kids who want to make a go of themselves (and maybe even stop being dependent on their parents before they are 25!).
Sunday, 11 May 2014
Mother's Day Weekend
This weekend, we celebrated Mother's Day with a couple of indulgences. During the week, I had organised a brand new wood fireplace to go into my lake house, and an electrician to move the TV (add points, etc), so that when we arrived on Friday night, I would be able to enjoy my fabulous view, my toasty fireplace and the TV all in the same direction. I wasn't sure if my plan would work, as the space is a little tight, but when we arrived on Friday night, after a 7pm hockey game from my oldest son that didn't finished till 8.30pm (after a late start), at 11.30pm at night, it was better than I expected. My firewood had been dumped on the front lawn, and I was going to get the boys to move it on Saturday, but it was too late to get a fire going as soon as we arrived so we went to bed…
An hour or so later, the rains came… and hard! All my lovely red gum firewood was getting soaked, and wouldn't be able to be used in the fire. At 6.30am I managed to get myself out of bed, put a jacket on, and dig deep into the wood pile to find any wood that was just a little bit dry. I found about 8 pieces and took them inside.
As it's an eco-friendly fireplace, it suggests only to use wood kindling and firelighters - no paper or cardboard to get it going. It has air vents to manage the heat, and heat banks to store the heat for when the fire has died down. So as it was now 7am, and I was wet from collecting all the dry wood in the rain, I was desperate to get this thing going. I didn't have any firelighters, I found some dry pinecones and branches in the old woodstore out the back, and did what I could with a packet of matches. Until they ran out… I had one match to go, so I grabbed three tissues and lit them over the kindling and miraculously, I HAD FIRE!!! Once it turned to embers, I put on a red gum log and I was happy.
An hour or so later, the rains came… and hard! All my lovely red gum firewood was getting soaked, and wouldn't be able to be used in the fire. At 6.30am I managed to get myself out of bed, put a jacket on, and dig deep into the wood pile to find any wood that was just a little bit dry. I found about 8 pieces and took them inside.
As it's an eco-friendly fireplace, it suggests only to use wood kindling and firelighters - no paper or cardboard to get it going. It has air vents to manage the heat, and heat banks to store the heat for when the fire has died down. So as it was now 7am, and I was wet from collecting all the dry wood in the rain, I was desperate to get this thing going. I didn't have any firelighters, I found some dry pinecones and branches in the old woodstore out the back, and did what I could with a packet of matches. Until they ran out… I had one match to go, so I grabbed three tissues and lit them over the kindling and miraculously, I HAD FIRE!!! Once it turned to embers, I put on a red gum log and I was happy.
It was lovely looking out on the cloud-capped mountains, the greenness of the trees and the receding lake (it's currently at 68% capacity, and I've been told it will start filling up again now, as they drain the lake to help the fruit growers in the nearby Goulburn Valley over the hotter months).
After the fire was set, I got myself ready to go into town to get some supplies. I had to go to my neighbour's to find out what was happening for dinner, as it was her birthday last week, and we were going to celebrate somehow. The local restaurant is now closed for the winter season, and we could go into town for a meal, or just stay at home. It was decided that I would buy all the ingredients for a roast lamb dinner, an apple crumble and I had in mind to get the birthday cake too. A couple of our friends up there had told me that they wouldn't be there this weekend when I was up there 2 weeks ago, but somehow they were both there, but one was leaving that afternoon to start a new job… so we had an extra body for dinner, and I had to go tell him not to pull anything out of the freezer because it was 'roast night.' So I went over, we had a little chat, and the other friend dropped something off on his back door, and strangely didn't even say hello. So I saw a flash of him walk passed, got off my seat and said hello. But he didn't want to talk… saying he was leaving now and got into his car in a bit of a huff. The other friend and I just thought he was probably annoyed that I was there, and hadn't gone to see him yet, even though he didn't understand the reason why I was there… anyway, it was his problem.
The roast dinner was a smash… a few laughs, a little bit too much alcohol and the birthday girl was appreciative of her little birthday surprises… after all, it was her 'birthday week.'
This morning, I got out of bed a little jaded, the boys gave me some chocolates, a card, an iTunes voucher and said that they left a couple of presents at home. Dexter my dog, slept on my legs keeping me warm, and somehow managed to wake up to the smell of the unopened chocolate box and managed to peel the protective plastic wrapped off, but I got hold them before he got too far. But that was about it for Mothers Day love in the house, as I had to get the house ready to say goodbye. (I love my house on the lake… wish we could be there always). I did the rounds and said goodbye to my friends, then took my boys to 'High Tea' at the Flowerdale Estate, in Strath Creek… about 1.5 hours from my lake house, but on the way home to Melbourne. It was a beautiful estate which has accommodation, a health spa, a gorgeous dining room and lovely grounds to wander around. Dexter sat on the front verandah as we enjoyed our delightful lunch in the gracious dining room.
We had cucumber sandwiches, a tiger prawn with melon sitting on a lettuce leaf, a chicken pie, shallot and cream cheese croissant, vegetable quiche, a roast beef, aioli and watercress ribbon sandwich, a hazelnut macaroon, red velvet cupcake, salted caramel tart, pistachio nougat, walnut brownie and I think that was about it… all tiny little morsels perfectly presented… and of course, all with silverware and cups of tea.
It was lovely look out the headlight windows into the autumn foliage. After our High Tea, we walked around the grounds and found a dam the boys could skim rocks into...
Then the boys found the maple tree and tried to see who could find the biggest leaf!
It was a perfect autumn's day in the country.
After our walk, we returned to the dining room for lemonade scones (I must admit, mine are better), with jam and cream. Before setting off home… the long way through the CBD, thanks to Sat Nav.
So that was my Mothers Day weekend. I really can't complain :)
Monday, 5 May 2014
Letting Go Metaphorically... to gain closure
Sorry I haven't written in a while… life has been a busy with sending out submissions to literary agents for my book, working the day job, getting my lake house ready for winter, and just throw in some school holidays to make it extra busier!
So I finally have a week of catching up… you know… catching up on all those things that need to get done, but are put on the way-side. Today I did the biennial pap smear, doctor breast check and mole check… and even though I'd only thought about it for a few days, I took the plunge and had a couple of skin tags removed from around my neck.
I know that might sound disgusting, weird why I should discuss it here… but the front one had a little bit of sentimentality to it, but it was time to let it go. The reason behind the sentimentality, is that my youngest son used to squeeze it when he was a baby, trying to sleep, or breastfeeding, like he knew it was me with him and he was safe. My ex lover, who was a doctor, I believe sought perfection in me and tried to convince me to allow him to cut it off, but it was a little reminder of my little one gaining comfort in me… it was like my bond between me and my son. So I wouldn't let him as it was like he was breaking that bond.
But in hindsight, I should have let him. It wasn't the prettiest of things, yet from a distance it just looked like a black beauty spot on my neck, until you looked close enough to see it was three-dimensional. I just wasn't ready to let my 'baby' go. My baby is 10 now, 11 in August… so as I went to the doctor - the doctor who has known me for 28 years, I felt it was time to go ahead and snip it, as well as its friend on my neck behind my ear, off.
But it made me think of what other physical or emotional ties I have that need to be letting go. I have a dear friend who's birthday is this week, but we had a falling out about 6 months ago. I bought her a card, and was going to write a letter to explain the hurt that she created leading up to and throughout the event, but I thought it would be unfair and possibly immature to send her hurtful things on her birthday. But then, is not sending anything at all, hurtful? Yet she didn't make an effort for my last birthday, my 40th… But thinking about it all, is just as hurtful, so it's best if I just let it go… and just enjoy the life I'm currently having, and let the past be in the past.
And that's what we all have to do… I know I'm the worst for holding grudges, letting things build up to some type of nuclear explosion, and having falling outs with friends because I'm overly emotional and no one ever seems to understand my point of view. It's only been since I've divorced that I've actually stood up for myself and spoke my peace, which I think has made a few people stand back, because it's been unexpected from me… "Suzy is the 'quiet, reserved, complacent, accepting all situations for what they are' one, she wouldn't make a fuss about something so trivial." But for all the people who have told me over the years that I'm being silly, being precious, being naive and being weak, the hurt is real, it's part of me, and the one's who dismiss it lack all types of compassion, love or support in who I am, therefore don't need to be in my life.
So with my missing pieces off my neck, and a realisation that I only need those who support my feelings, family and happiness around, the letting go process has brought closure to the thoughts of doing the right thing by others to fight black and blue for their love and compassion, because in reality, they only had their selfishness needs in sight, and nothing else.
The great thing about letting go of things is that it makes room for new and exciting things to enter your life. And it's time for me to do that… maybe in the next few months I may forge a new career, have a new love, or make plans to start a new life… but I can't do any of it, unless there is complete letting go of the past...
So I finally have a week of catching up… you know… catching up on all those things that need to get done, but are put on the way-side. Today I did the biennial pap smear, doctor breast check and mole check… and even though I'd only thought about it for a few days, I took the plunge and had a couple of skin tags removed from around my neck.
I know that might sound disgusting, weird why I should discuss it here… but the front one had a little bit of sentimentality to it, but it was time to let it go. The reason behind the sentimentality, is that my youngest son used to squeeze it when he was a baby, trying to sleep, or breastfeeding, like he knew it was me with him and he was safe. My ex lover, who was a doctor, I believe sought perfection in me and tried to convince me to allow him to cut it off, but it was a little reminder of my little one gaining comfort in me… it was like my bond between me and my son. So I wouldn't let him as it was like he was breaking that bond.
But in hindsight, I should have let him. It wasn't the prettiest of things, yet from a distance it just looked like a black beauty spot on my neck, until you looked close enough to see it was three-dimensional. I just wasn't ready to let my 'baby' go. My baby is 10 now, 11 in August… so as I went to the doctor - the doctor who has known me for 28 years, I felt it was time to go ahead and snip it, as well as its friend on my neck behind my ear, off.
But it made me think of what other physical or emotional ties I have that need to be letting go. I have a dear friend who's birthday is this week, but we had a falling out about 6 months ago. I bought her a card, and was going to write a letter to explain the hurt that she created leading up to and throughout the event, but I thought it would be unfair and possibly immature to send her hurtful things on her birthday. But then, is not sending anything at all, hurtful? Yet she didn't make an effort for my last birthday, my 40th… But thinking about it all, is just as hurtful, so it's best if I just let it go… and just enjoy the life I'm currently having, and let the past be in the past.
And that's what we all have to do… I know I'm the worst for holding grudges, letting things build up to some type of nuclear explosion, and having falling outs with friends because I'm overly emotional and no one ever seems to understand my point of view. It's only been since I've divorced that I've actually stood up for myself and spoke my peace, which I think has made a few people stand back, because it's been unexpected from me… "Suzy is the 'quiet, reserved, complacent, accepting all situations for what they are' one, she wouldn't make a fuss about something so trivial." But for all the people who have told me over the years that I'm being silly, being precious, being naive and being weak, the hurt is real, it's part of me, and the one's who dismiss it lack all types of compassion, love or support in who I am, therefore don't need to be in my life.
So with my missing pieces off my neck, and a realisation that I only need those who support my feelings, family and happiness around, the letting go process has brought closure to the thoughts of doing the right thing by others to fight black and blue for their love and compassion, because in reality, they only had their selfishness needs in sight, and nothing else.
The great thing about letting go of things is that it makes room for new and exciting things to enter your life. And it's time for me to do that… maybe in the next few months I may forge a new career, have a new love, or make plans to start a new life… but I can't do any of it, unless there is complete letting go of the past...
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