I was tickled pink the other day when my almost 13 year old son came home as happy as Larry declaring at the top of his voice "I have a girlfriend!" I was proud, because he wasn't afraid of sharing his world with me and his brother.
He did something I would never have done with my parents because they were so strict about 'who' my friends were, and scrutinised everything about my friends before they gave them a chance. My best friends in my first year of high school were 'bad influences' because they were from single parent families (ha! And now that I am a single mother, I'm a bad person and my children are being strayed into bad ways). Yet ironically, I still keep in contact with those friends through the distant of Facebook, and they are all quite successful in their own right - one is a leading Sydney radio announcer, one is a mother of three and is a college professor in IT and another is living a semi-retired life in beautiful Queensland. So for my son to come to me so excited to tell me that he has his first girlfriend, I was chuffed.
Throughout the weekend, he had Skype calls from her, they organised a double date for the middle of the school holidays and he talked about her a little. I asked questions to see how far they had gone - like holding hands or if he'd had his first kiss, and maturely he said 'No, we are more friends than anything else at this stage.' And that's OK.
But then we had a step back in time. We went to the local shopping mall and bumped into the school bully he had at primary school. Over the 7 years he was at school with this kid, this kid played 'murder tiggy' with him and other kids with a stick in his hand, trying to stab people in the back (and left a 20cm scratch down my son's back) and he tied my son to a tree with a volleyball net my son was trying to get down leaving him with rope burns on his legs from struggling to get out. They were two of the worst things of many things he did to my son. My youngest son asked his brother 'are you still friends with that kid?' to which my kind-hearted son replied 'yes.' Horrified, I said, 'how can you still be friends with him? You don't go to the same school as him anymore, and you have no reason to see him. He's not your 'friend', he is just someone who you once went to school with.' And as I said this, we walked passed a confectionary shop and saw this kid physically stealing from the shop and pulling a friend out by his hair to leave as quickly as possible. I turned to my son and said 'you really want to say you're friends with that?' And he saw how stupid this kid was being, and realised that that kid was no friend of his.
But the declaration that he had a girlfriend was validation to me that I was doing the right thing with my kids. That the communication doors are always open, that I've taught them and continue to teach them properly about relationships (or they have seen first hand some of the hardships that I've been through). And I hope that, no matter what, those doors will stay open, and they never feel like they are being judged and that I can steer them to make the right decisions for themselves while they believe they are making those decisions by themselves.
To me, a first love is sweet and necessary to know that you're in touch with your feelings, and it's just another part of growing up.
Sunday, 23 March 2014
Friday, 21 March 2014
Help! I Need HELP!!
Well, not me, but a friend of a friend invited me to be part of a Single Mothers Forum on Facebook and it literally broke my heart. So many dead beat dads out there, so many common stories, so many welfare addicts and so many women thinking that somebody else OWES them something. WOW!
It got to the point that I wrote a nice little soliloquy to one woman who was bitching about her self-employed ex husband who claims he's only making $37,000 a year and provides hardly any child support, yet can go on overseas trips and drive luxury cars, while she struggles with 'shared' care (um… doesn't that mean that 50% of the kids are with him, therefore 50% of the total cost of raising the children is up to him? and that she has 50% of her time to get a job!?) and hasn't got any money to raise their kids. I wrote to her suggesting that she has to stop thinking he owes her anything, and she needs to stop expecting the government to provide for her, and go out and work. I told her about the number of internet jobs out there she can do while her kids are in her care, and if she actually had some courage, determination and confidence in herself, she could actually become someone BETTER than her ex husband.
Really, ALL THE POWER IS TO YOU!! YOU have to make it happen. YOU have to JUST DO IT! You can't get upset with people who don't help you if YOU DON'T HELP YOURSELF.
Look, I know that's not the case with everyone, but this single mother's forum was overloaded with women asking about single parenting payments, unemployment benefits, rent assistance, child support, family tax benefits, education allowances and all the other handouts the Australian government give to parents, single or married, to get by. It clogged up my Facebook so much, I had to get out.
I just don't understand how there are so many single parents out there who believe that they are entitled to get someone else's hard earned money, especially when they have the exact amount of time with their kids as their ex-spouses, yet can't create the OPPORTUNITY to earn similar money. And I simply don't understand this, because, in my case, I am the one who has the heavy duty artillery - the successful business, the kids 100% of the time and a home that my kids have their own place and things, where my ex CHOOSES to do the job that he loves (that pays very little), but neglects his responsibilities in providing for his children in the way of shelter, transport, food, medical expenses and education. I have told my ex if he wants to be in our children's lives, then he needs to be financially responsible for them, therefore, yes, we do go through the Child Support Agency so he pays his fair share, but I don't need his money, for me, it's a matter of principle. If he doesn't want to be in their lives, he doesn't need to pay, and he needs to leave us alone. It's that simple. We are currently interacting with him once every 4-6 weeks. That's how much his kids mean to him.
If something is not working for you, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE IT. No one can change your life for you, YOU have to do it for you. Have some passion, think positively, create your own destiny, get rid of all the negativity that is dominating your life and BE the better person for being above all the pettiness that comes with exes, government handouts and chasing child support.
Be kinder to yourself, learn to love yourself and that change of energy will be all the help you need.
It got to the point that I wrote a nice little soliloquy to one woman who was bitching about her self-employed ex husband who claims he's only making $37,000 a year and provides hardly any child support, yet can go on overseas trips and drive luxury cars, while she struggles with 'shared' care (um… doesn't that mean that 50% of the kids are with him, therefore 50% of the total cost of raising the children is up to him? and that she has 50% of her time to get a job!?) and hasn't got any money to raise their kids. I wrote to her suggesting that she has to stop thinking he owes her anything, and she needs to stop expecting the government to provide for her, and go out and work. I told her about the number of internet jobs out there she can do while her kids are in her care, and if she actually had some courage, determination and confidence in herself, she could actually become someone BETTER than her ex husband.
Really, ALL THE POWER IS TO YOU!! YOU have to make it happen. YOU have to JUST DO IT! You can't get upset with people who don't help you if YOU DON'T HELP YOURSELF.
Look, I know that's not the case with everyone, but this single mother's forum was overloaded with women asking about single parenting payments, unemployment benefits, rent assistance, child support, family tax benefits, education allowances and all the other handouts the Australian government give to parents, single or married, to get by. It clogged up my Facebook so much, I had to get out.
I just don't understand how there are so many single parents out there who believe that they are entitled to get someone else's hard earned money, especially when they have the exact amount of time with their kids as their ex-spouses, yet can't create the OPPORTUNITY to earn similar money. And I simply don't understand this, because, in my case, I am the one who has the heavy duty artillery - the successful business, the kids 100% of the time and a home that my kids have their own place and things, where my ex CHOOSES to do the job that he loves (that pays very little), but neglects his responsibilities in providing for his children in the way of shelter, transport, food, medical expenses and education. I have told my ex if he wants to be in our children's lives, then he needs to be financially responsible for them, therefore, yes, we do go through the Child Support Agency so he pays his fair share, but I don't need his money, for me, it's a matter of principle. If he doesn't want to be in their lives, he doesn't need to pay, and he needs to leave us alone. It's that simple. We are currently interacting with him once every 4-6 weeks. That's how much his kids mean to him.
If something is not working for you, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE IT. No one can change your life for you, YOU have to do it for you. Have some passion, think positively, create your own destiny, get rid of all the negativity that is dominating your life and BE the better person for being above all the pettiness that comes with exes, government handouts and chasing child support.
Be kinder to yourself, learn to love yourself and that change of energy will be all the help you need.
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Sleep!
I do not know when the last time I had a seriously great sleep. You know, those ones where you don't move through the night, where your head is stuck deep in the pillow and you wake up feeling alive and refreshed. Those ones that last eight hours or more. The last one would have been over 13 years ago, before the birth of my oldest son.
My life is sleep deprived because of many reasons… from breastfeeding for a total of 32 months with a pregnancy in between, to being self-employed and needing to work in the dead of the night just to have a clean slate for the following day; to worrying about where my marriage was going, to being jet-lagged in different corners of the world, to being a dog mum for the first time in my life to now, just being a single mum.
Most nights I get 2-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, then wake to see I still have another 2 or 3 hours before I have to get up again, and just that waking doesn't get me back to sleep, because my thoughts race around with what I have to do when I get up. I have mini cat naps in the car between appointments, that some how recharge me for the next few hours, but nothing gets me that total feeling of being refreshed.
So I'm a light sleeper… I guess that's what kids do to you. I do hear every little noise in the house, but weirdly tune out to most of the street noise even though I'm on a main road. I have resorted to the Swisse sleep tablets to at least get into a deeper sleep, and sometimes they help, and sometimes they are no use at all.
Over the past 2 months, my work loads has been so extremely, that I was averaging 12-16 hours of sleep between Monday-Friday. But I just couldn't sleep in on the weekends, due to dog walking duties or kid's sports. I'd take nanna naps on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but all I could hear was the blaring TV or my kids beating each other up. It just feels useless trying to even go there.
Last night, I actually decided to go to bed at a reasonable time.. For once I had no work to do, no work to do for my book (as it is now officially submitted!), I'd helped my boys with their homework and the house was clean for a rental inspection we had this morning. It felt so weird that there was actually some order in my life. So I took a book to bed, read a chapter and turned the light off at 10pm. I thought 'WOW! I might actually have a chance of 8 hours of straight sleep!'
I had set my alarm for 6.15am to take Dexter (the dog) for a walk, and relaxed in bed, hoping for a chance of 8 straight hours of not waking up. Did it happen? No… 12.38am, 2.15am, 4.46am… and that's when I changed the alarm from 6.15am to 6.30am, because it was driving me insane.
What is it that's going to give me a peaceful night sleep again? Sex before sleep (how I wish), prescription sleeping pills, weight loss, alcohol, warm cocoa, a heavy duty exercise program, existing rather than living?
I'm sure there are plenty of mums out there who feel the same. Constantly drained from lack of sleep or interrupted sleep. But I guess the only thing we can do is look after ourselves more and stop thinking so much!
My life is sleep deprived because of many reasons… from breastfeeding for a total of 32 months with a pregnancy in between, to being self-employed and needing to work in the dead of the night just to have a clean slate for the following day; to worrying about where my marriage was going, to being jet-lagged in different corners of the world, to being a dog mum for the first time in my life to now, just being a single mum.
Most nights I get 2-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, then wake to see I still have another 2 or 3 hours before I have to get up again, and just that waking doesn't get me back to sleep, because my thoughts race around with what I have to do when I get up. I have mini cat naps in the car between appointments, that some how recharge me for the next few hours, but nothing gets me that total feeling of being refreshed.
So I'm a light sleeper… I guess that's what kids do to you. I do hear every little noise in the house, but weirdly tune out to most of the street noise even though I'm on a main road. I have resorted to the Swisse sleep tablets to at least get into a deeper sleep, and sometimes they help, and sometimes they are no use at all.
Over the past 2 months, my work loads has been so extremely, that I was averaging 12-16 hours of sleep between Monday-Friday. But I just couldn't sleep in on the weekends, due to dog walking duties or kid's sports. I'd take nanna naps on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but all I could hear was the blaring TV or my kids beating each other up. It just feels useless trying to even go there.
Last night, I actually decided to go to bed at a reasonable time.. For once I had no work to do, no work to do for my book (as it is now officially submitted!), I'd helped my boys with their homework and the house was clean for a rental inspection we had this morning. It felt so weird that there was actually some order in my life. So I took a book to bed, read a chapter and turned the light off at 10pm. I thought 'WOW! I might actually have a chance of 8 hours of straight sleep!'
I had set my alarm for 6.15am to take Dexter (the dog) for a walk, and relaxed in bed, hoping for a chance of 8 straight hours of not waking up. Did it happen? No… 12.38am, 2.15am, 4.46am… and that's when I changed the alarm from 6.15am to 6.30am, because it was driving me insane.
What is it that's going to give me a peaceful night sleep again? Sex before sleep (how I wish), prescription sleeping pills, weight loss, alcohol, warm cocoa, a heavy duty exercise program, existing rather than living?
I'm sure there are plenty of mums out there who feel the same. Constantly drained from lack of sleep or interrupted sleep. But I guess the only thing we can do is look after ourselves more and stop thinking so much!
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
Toasting the Toastmasters!
Finally, I made it to my second Toastmasters meeting. Again, I feel so enthusiastic about it's possibilities, the people and the positivity the meetings create. Oh, I must tell you, if you didn't already know, that Toastmasters is an international forum that creates opportunity for people to learn confidence in public speaking.
The first thing I noticed about it is it's acceptance of people of all walks in life. There are people attending where English is a second language, and they use the skills they learn in Toastmasters just to better their English speaking skills. There are others who have speech impediments, and want to overcome them, or gain confidence around people who have accepted their differences, and then there are people who are there to better their public speaking skills for work, for up and coming social events (like wedding speeches), or just to gain some self confidence in who they are. There are stay-at-home mums with young kids, there are lawyers gaining a higher level of speaking skills, there are those who just need to speak in front of a small group for work, to those who need to step up to large audiences.
The great thing about Toastmasters is that everyone who speaks gets evaluated for their speech. There is a manual that helps you develop each level of speech requirements, and you are assessed on the requirements for each level. The evaluations are required to be positive, encouraging and nurturing. You have a mentor that helps you learn the skills you need to overcome to be a better speaker, your speech gets voted for over all the other speakers for the night, and it feels like a totally rewarding experience.
There are different types of speeches, from preparing a speech that goes up to 15 minutes, to being put on the spot with a subject you may or may not know about and you need to speak about it for 3 minutes. You can be a time keeper, a grunt master (counting how many ums and ahs are said), the 'toastmaster' for the night or an evaluator. There always seems to be something for each individual to do.
For me, I'm attending so that I can be confident talking about my book in public, and even though I spent 5 years behind a radio microphone (an amateur one, I might add), it's completely different talking to an audience when they are staring at you and you need to engage with them, versus not knowing (or worrying about) if anyone is listening at all.
If you absolutely love your Toastmasters meetings, you can attend statewide, nationwide or global competitions with other Toastmaster groups, and even if you're travelling around the world, you can find your closest Toastmasters organisation and continue your meetings wherever you are. How good is that?!
Speaking to Toastmasters who have been with the organisation for 7 or more years, they say the nerves will always be there, but having the direction in knowing how to not show those nerves is a skill that is worth it's weight in gold. I'm so looking forward to getting up and doing my first speech. I know I'll be nervous, but I'm so excited about learning how to show people the best of me in a public forum.
The first thing I noticed about it is it's acceptance of people of all walks in life. There are people attending where English is a second language, and they use the skills they learn in Toastmasters just to better their English speaking skills. There are others who have speech impediments, and want to overcome them, or gain confidence around people who have accepted their differences, and then there are people who are there to better their public speaking skills for work, for up and coming social events (like wedding speeches), or just to gain some self confidence in who they are. There are stay-at-home mums with young kids, there are lawyers gaining a higher level of speaking skills, there are those who just need to speak in front of a small group for work, to those who need to step up to large audiences.
The great thing about Toastmasters is that everyone who speaks gets evaluated for their speech. There is a manual that helps you develop each level of speech requirements, and you are assessed on the requirements for each level. The evaluations are required to be positive, encouraging and nurturing. You have a mentor that helps you learn the skills you need to overcome to be a better speaker, your speech gets voted for over all the other speakers for the night, and it feels like a totally rewarding experience.
There are different types of speeches, from preparing a speech that goes up to 15 minutes, to being put on the spot with a subject you may or may not know about and you need to speak about it for 3 minutes. You can be a time keeper, a grunt master (counting how many ums and ahs are said), the 'toastmaster' for the night or an evaluator. There always seems to be something for each individual to do.
For me, I'm attending so that I can be confident talking about my book in public, and even though I spent 5 years behind a radio microphone (an amateur one, I might add), it's completely different talking to an audience when they are staring at you and you need to engage with them, versus not knowing (or worrying about) if anyone is listening at all.
If you absolutely love your Toastmasters meetings, you can attend statewide, nationwide or global competitions with other Toastmaster groups, and even if you're travelling around the world, you can find your closest Toastmasters organisation and continue your meetings wherever you are. How good is that?!
Speaking to Toastmasters who have been with the organisation for 7 or more years, they say the nerves will always be there, but having the direction in knowing how to not show those nerves is a skill that is worth it's weight in gold. I'm so looking forward to getting up and doing my first speech. I know I'll be nervous, but I'm so excited about learning how to show people the best of me in a public forum.
Sunday, 9 March 2014
What is it with Unavailable Men?
As you all know, I was involved with a married man for about 2.5 years, and we continued contact for another 18 months or so after that, only for me to realise that I meant nothing to him except be a piece of meat. Which is terribly hurtful when you vest so much of your heart in someone who literally doesn't deserve anything of you.
From that experience, I've decided that I do not want to be someone's secret friend, I do not want to be someone's second… I need to be loved and appreciated for who I am. I know I am opinionated, I know I have serious trust issues (who can blame me) and I know I probably over-analyse things because of the hurt I've been put through in most my relationships, but how am I going to be able to find the right person for me and my boys (as we are a package deal) and let down those trust barriers unless someone can be honest with me from the start?
Three men have made me cry in the last few weeks… one, who I met on an internet dating site who said he was separated, looking for someone who is open to communication and someone who is local. Three big pluses in my book… but the more we talked, the more he suggested we meet in areas outside our local area and the more married he sounded. So I confronted him, and he said it was 'complex.' He told me his situation, which I respected and told him that when he's ready to take the next step and move on from his situation, look me up. He made me cry because I thought I was so close to finding someone who I could be open with me, but he just happened to be the same as the last one, with slightly different parameters.
The second man made me cry for another reason… I bought myself a new car, and within 2 weeks, I parked it on the side of the road to pick my son up at his friend's house, and this man, who happened to be cycling, smashed into the back of it, breaking my taillight, dinting a panel and scratching a second panel with the brut of his body and bicycle. He did fling himself into the middle of the road, and we did have to call an ambulance (he is ok…. it was more a bruised ego). He was seriously cute, the same age as me, but married… again! You'd think that if someone was going to crash into your car on purpose to get your attention, he would at least be single… but c'est la vie. But my new car has an ouchie, and it's a difficult insurance claim because he wasn't operating an insured vehicle.
The next man, I know through mutual friends. We had a chat last week, and he told me his divorce is finalised, the finances are finalised and he is an officially free man from his ex-wife. We have been flirting for possibly the last 6 months, but more so over the last 10 days or so. I sent him a copy of my manuscript, as he asked for it, and he said the first chapter 'made his loins move.' I sent him a drunken message on Saturday night essentially saying 'haven't you seen the signals? Aren't I good enough for you?' He replied Sunday morning saying that 'he thinks I'm beautiful but he's seeing someone… but then says that he SERIOUSLY thinks I'm amazing and wants to take me out for a drink or lunch' What mixed messages are in that? Is he hedging his bets?!! AARRGGHHH!!
Maybe it's the universe's way of saying to me that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship right now. I have other things to make happen first (like getting my book published). It just breaks my heart to think that I'm attracted to the wrong guys all the time. And you do question yourself… you question your worthiness, your attractiveness and your level of intensity… because it's happening time after time, knowing that it's not them, but you. I guess I just have to believe that one day, it will happen, it's just not now...
From that experience, I've decided that I do not want to be someone's secret friend, I do not want to be someone's second… I need to be loved and appreciated for who I am. I know I am opinionated, I know I have serious trust issues (who can blame me) and I know I probably over-analyse things because of the hurt I've been put through in most my relationships, but how am I going to be able to find the right person for me and my boys (as we are a package deal) and let down those trust barriers unless someone can be honest with me from the start?
Three men have made me cry in the last few weeks… one, who I met on an internet dating site who said he was separated, looking for someone who is open to communication and someone who is local. Three big pluses in my book… but the more we talked, the more he suggested we meet in areas outside our local area and the more married he sounded. So I confronted him, and he said it was 'complex.' He told me his situation, which I respected and told him that when he's ready to take the next step and move on from his situation, look me up. He made me cry because I thought I was so close to finding someone who I could be open with me, but he just happened to be the same as the last one, with slightly different parameters.
The second man made me cry for another reason… I bought myself a new car, and within 2 weeks, I parked it on the side of the road to pick my son up at his friend's house, and this man, who happened to be cycling, smashed into the back of it, breaking my taillight, dinting a panel and scratching a second panel with the brut of his body and bicycle. He did fling himself into the middle of the road, and we did have to call an ambulance (he is ok…. it was more a bruised ego). He was seriously cute, the same age as me, but married… again! You'd think that if someone was going to crash into your car on purpose to get your attention, he would at least be single… but c'est la vie. But my new car has an ouchie, and it's a difficult insurance claim because he wasn't operating an insured vehicle.
The next man, I know through mutual friends. We had a chat last week, and he told me his divorce is finalised, the finances are finalised and he is an officially free man from his ex-wife. We have been flirting for possibly the last 6 months, but more so over the last 10 days or so. I sent him a copy of my manuscript, as he asked for it, and he said the first chapter 'made his loins move.' I sent him a drunken message on Saturday night essentially saying 'haven't you seen the signals? Aren't I good enough for you?' He replied Sunday morning saying that 'he thinks I'm beautiful but he's seeing someone… but then says that he SERIOUSLY thinks I'm amazing and wants to take me out for a drink or lunch' What mixed messages are in that? Is he hedging his bets?!! AARRGGHHH!!
Maybe it's the universe's way of saying to me that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship right now. I have other things to make happen first (like getting my book published). It just breaks my heart to think that I'm attracted to the wrong guys all the time. And you do question yourself… you question your worthiness, your attractiveness and your level of intensity… because it's happening time after time, knowing that it's not them, but you. I guess I just have to believe that one day, it will happen, it's just not now...
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