Monday, 3 February 2014

Are Men Really That Silly?

A couple of weekends ago, my neighbour decided to put my details on a dating website. It spurred a lot of interest very quickly, as well as past interest that I thought would never come back.

But what's annoying me more than anything, is the number of married men who still actively look for sex outside their marriage. Some are up front about their marital status, others won't tell you until you start speaking to them. But what I don't get, is 1) why do they stay married if they aren't fulfilled in their sex life?, 2) if they have such a healthy marriage in all other aspects of their marriage, then why can't they be open enough with their wives to discuss with their wives about having a guilt-free discreet sex life with another woman? Are men that silly?

Because the problem to all of this lies ('lies' being the ultimate word here), is that the lies build. Other aspects of their lives begin to be affected by the lies (i.e. spending money on the mistress, not being able to explain certain time frames of the day, etc), and the level of trust disappears. If a married couple can come clean with each other that certain aspects of their wedded life aren't been satisfied in the marriage, then the whole marriage is doomed once the lies and secrecy starts.

When I was with my lover, once everything was divulged to his wife, I told both of them that I was happy to continue the relationship IF I wasn't treated like my feelings didn't matter, IF every time we got together I wouldn't feel the guilt trip, the dirtiness of the secrecy of what we had… as that's how 'the other woman' feels, because of the dishonesty in THEIR marriage. Of course, his wife didn't want us to be involved anymore, but stupidly, said the decision for us to stay in contact was his choice, as most wives would actually leave their husbands if they knew that their husbands still had contact with a lover.

And ironically, as I was getting attention from other men on this dating site, my lover, after several months, decided to come back for more.

And this time I was strong enough to say 'what's in it for me?' I asked to make a deal that would prove to me that I meant more to him that a piece of meat, and in return he said he wanted 'no strings.' It ended up being an 18 hour conversation from initial flirting, to vicious verbal attacks and a lot of confusion on his part… from saying he 'cared about me' and that he felt it was true that we had a bond that was hard for both of us to let go and only circumstance is keeping us apart, to saying that he doesn't miss me or wish to see me… In the end I told him he was an insensitive asshole and stopped all contact. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, yet I did it so I could stop the hurt.

But still the married men keep coming… I've had two consume my time over the last few days - one as a friend and one from the website. I hate it with a passion, but they all do it because they are lonely and they just want some company. And I can understand that, because I too get lonely, but what I don't understand is why they can't talk openly with their wives about what they talk to me about?

I don't want a married man… I only started my relationship with my lover because I felt he was on the brink of ending his marriage… and for the first year of our relationship, he was, he just continued what we had for 'just in case.' I want someone who can give their whole self to me… as all women want, and at the start, I pretty much had all the time I wanted to have with him to myself. But I'm not going there again, and my lover was an exception to the rule, because of how our relationship worked. Who knows if now is the time for me to be dipping my toes into the water of dating, or if it will happen when it happens.  But life would be so much easier if men who want a more active sex life were more honest with their wives and decide between them either to up their sex lives together, or agree that a discreet relationship would be OK for both parties to ensure their marriage of family, finances and memories stay happy.

No wonder it's hard for women to trust again… and I guess men who have been affected by affairs too, struggle with the concept of trust. From it all, it makes me value honesty in relationships, and if anyone lies to me about anything - from their age, to their marital status, to their relationship with their kids, to telling me that they need my phone number because they are going off the dating website, to win me over, I will tell them politely to 'f*&^ off.' (conundrum intended!)

I know people will think that I am silly, and many other women out there for ever being involved with a married man in the first place, but no one knows the circumstances and, for me, how strange the relationship became. Really, even a Hollywood script writer couldn't have made up what happened between us. But in the end, no one wants to play games, be lied to or be treated like they don't matter. And for every man who cheats on his wife, he's destroying two women's lives…. and that's what's so hard to take.

No comments:

Post a Comment