I had a dream last night… I can remember that we lived in a different house with a little cottage garden at the front. I opened the door and there were two gifted pot plants placed in the garden. One of them had a note on it. It said "It's time." in the hand-writing of someone who I'm very familiar with and I haven't seen for sometime.
The problem is, in my waking life, my life has been so much better without this person being in my life. I feel like I'm accomplishing so much more, I'm happier, I'm heading in the right direction of what I want for my life, and I'm not worried about people judging me… so getting a message from my sub-conscious that is supposed to be from this person is like an interference. Do I go with my dream or do I go with my intuition that it's 'not time' for me to take a step back and have this person re-enter my life, or do I read it as 'it's time' for me to make the move I need to to propel myself into an exciting new future?
My gut says I'm not ready to go backwards and I have to trust my gut. And my gut also says that I'm not the one who needs to make the move. I've second guessed too many relationships over my years, and I'm not going to force people who don't want to be in my life in it because of past love, friendship and support (or lack of all three). Looking forward has so many more benefits that looking back, and I feel the energy is making me take huge leaps forward at the moment, and I know if I allow this person to re-enter my life, I will lose the momentum.
As many wise men have said over the years, 'You only have one life, it would be a terrible shame to live someone else's life and not your own.' Now I am 40, it's time to start living my own!
Thursday, 27 February 2014
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Words With Friends
Now, it's come to my attention of late from a few sources, and admittedly, I will say that I have also been involved (with my American lover of 4 years who I am, I'm glad to say, finished with...), but didn't realise that it was so prolific, that Words with Friends is actually the perfect place to hide a discreet relationship, i.e., CHEAT!! And it makes perfect sense… the games are only kept on your phone for 10 games, only 20 snippets of conversation are kept with each game, so once you've had your ways - flirted, played suggestive words in the game and made times to meet your lover, the conversations can never be found again.
I look at the people who are on my 'list of friends' and I can see it… there are people on it that I know have cheated on their spouse, those who are single that have the potential to be cheating with someone else's spouse, and a couple of anonymous people who I have no idea what gender they are. So as you can imagine, the potential is huge to hide a discreet relationship through the bones of Words with Friends. And sometimes the Words with Friends software team you up with people who are 'chatty like you,' which makes you suspicious that they could actually be a serial cheater (or serial flirter)… who knows.
As I was at an adult shop this morning (needed to buy a new bedroom friend, as my last one died :( ), I mentioned to the sales assistant if she had heard about the 'behind the scenes' action of Words with Friends, and she exclaimed YES!!! So many people were doing it, it's like it's become the latest rage.
So it makes you think, if so many people are doing it, are partners becoming suspicious of their partner's Words with Friends activity, even if it's completely platonic?
Who needs matchmaker.com, Eharmony, BeNaughty, OasisActive or any of the other dating sites that married or attached people seem to go to when they aren't satisfied with their main squeeze, when you've got Words with Friends.
Just be careful… it really isn't nice out there when innocent flirting turns to heartache.
I look at the people who are on my 'list of friends' and I can see it… there are people on it that I know have cheated on their spouse, those who are single that have the potential to be cheating with someone else's spouse, and a couple of anonymous people who I have no idea what gender they are. So as you can imagine, the potential is huge to hide a discreet relationship through the bones of Words with Friends. And sometimes the Words with Friends software team you up with people who are 'chatty like you,' which makes you suspicious that they could actually be a serial cheater (or serial flirter)… who knows.
As I was at an adult shop this morning (needed to buy a new bedroom friend, as my last one died :( ), I mentioned to the sales assistant if she had heard about the 'behind the scenes' action of Words with Friends, and she exclaimed YES!!! So many people were doing it, it's like it's become the latest rage.
So it makes you think, if so many people are doing it, are partners becoming suspicious of their partner's Words with Friends activity, even if it's completely platonic?
Who needs matchmaker.com, Eharmony, BeNaughty, OasisActive or any of the other dating sites that married or attached people seem to go to when they aren't satisfied with their main squeeze, when you've got Words with Friends.
Just be careful… it really isn't nice out there when innocent flirting turns to heartache.
Monday, 3 February 2014
Are Men Really That Silly?
A couple of weekends ago, my neighbour decided to put my details on a dating website. It spurred a lot of interest very quickly, as well as past interest that I thought would never come back.
But what's annoying me more than anything, is the number of married men who still actively look for sex outside their marriage. Some are up front about their marital status, others won't tell you until you start speaking to them. But what I don't get, is 1) why do they stay married if they aren't fulfilled in their sex life?, 2) if they have such a healthy marriage in all other aspects of their marriage, then why can't they be open enough with their wives to discuss with their wives about having a guilt-free discreet sex life with another woman? Are men that silly?
Because the problem to all of this lies ('lies' being the ultimate word here), is that the lies build. Other aspects of their lives begin to be affected by the lies (i.e. spending money on the mistress, not being able to explain certain time frames of the day, etc), and the level of trust disappears. If a married couple can come clean with each other that certain aspects of their wedded life aren't been satisfied in the marriage, then the whole marriage is doomed once the lies and secrecy starts.
When I was with my lover, once everything was divulged to his wife, I told both of them that I was happy to continue the relationship IF I wasn't treated like my feelings didn't matter, IF every time we got together I wouldn't feel the guilt trip, the dirtiness of the secrecy of what we had… as that's how 'the other woman' feels, because of the dishonesty in THEIR marriage. Of course, his wife didn't want us to be involved anymore, but stupidly, said the decision for us to stay in contact was his choice, as most wives would actually leave their husbands if they knew that their husbands still had contact with a lover.
And ironically, as I was getting attention from other men on this dating site, my lover, after several months, decided to come back for more.
And this time I was strong enough to say 'what's in it for me?' I asked to make a deal that would prove to me that I meant more to him that a piece of meat, and in return he said he wanted 'no strings.' It ended up being an 18 hour conversation from initial flirting, to vicious verbal attacks and a lot of confusion on his part… from saying he 'cared about me' and that he felt it was true that we had a bond that was hard for both of us to let go and only circumstance is keeping us apart, to saying that he doesn't miss me or wish to see me… In the end I told him he was an insensitive asshole and stopped all contact. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, yet I did it so I could stop the hurt.
But still the married men keep coming… I've had two consume my time over the last few days - one as a friend and one from the website. I hate it with a passion, but they all do it because they are lonely and they just want some company. And I can understand that, because I too get lonely, but what I don't understand is why they can't talk openly with their wives about what they talk to me about?
I don't want a married man… I only started my relationship with my lover because I felt he was on the brink of ending his marriage… and for the first year of our relationship, he was, he just continued what we had for 'just in case.' I want someone who can give their whole self to me… as all women want, and at the start, I pretty much had all the time I wanted to have with him to myself. But I'm not going there again, and my lover was an exception to the rule, because of how our relationship worked. Who knows if now is the time for me to be dipping my toes into the water of dating, or if it will happen when it happens. But life would be so much easier if men who want a more active sex life were more honest with their wives and decide between them either to up their sex lives together, or agree that a discreet relationship would be OK for both parties to ensure their marriage of family, finances and memories stay happy.
No wonder it's hard for women to trust again… and I guess men who have been affected by affairs too, struggle with the concept of trust. From it all, it makes me value honesty in relationships, and if anyone lies to me about anything - from their age, to their marital status, to their relationship with their kids, to telling me that they need my phone number because they are going off the dating website, to win me over, I will tell them politely to 'f*&^ off.' (conundrum intended!)
I know people will think that I am silly, and many other women out there for ever being involved with a married man in the first place, but no one knows the circumstances and, for me, how strange the relationship became. Really, even a Hollywood script writer couldn't have made up what happened between us. But in the end, no one wants to play games, be lied to or be treated like they don't matter. And for every man who cheats on his wife, he's destroying two women's lives…. and that's what's so hard to take.
But what's annoying me more than anything, is the number of married men who still actively look for sex outside their marriage. Some are up front about their marital status, others won't tell you until you start speaking to them. But what I don't get, is 1) why do they stay married if they aren't fulfilled in their sex life?, 2) if they have such a healthy marriage in all other aspects of their marriage, then why can't they be open enough with their wives to discuss with their wives about having a guilt-free discreet sex life with another woman? Are men that silly?
Because the problem to all of this lies ('lies' being the ultimate word here), is that the lies build. Other aspects of their lives begin to be affected by the lies (i.e. spending money on the mistress, not being able to explain certain time frames of the day, etc), and the level of trust disappears. If a married couple can come clean with each other that certain aspects of their wedded life aren't been satisfied in the marriage, then the whole marriage is doomed once the lies and secrecy starts.
When I was with my lover, once everything was divulged to his wife, I told both of them that I was happy to continue the relationship IF I wasn't treated like my feelings didn't matter, IF every time we got together I wouldn't feel the guilt trip, the dirtiness of the secrecy of what we had… as that's how 'the other woman' feels, because of the dishonesty in THEIR marriage. Of course, his wife didn't want us to be involved anymore, but stupidly, said the decision for us to stay in contact was his choice, as most wives would actually leave their husbands if they knew that their husbands still had contact with a lover.
And ironically, as I was getting attention from other men on this dating site, my lover, after several months, decided to come back for more.
And this time I was strong enough to say 'what's in it for me?' I asked to make a deal that would prove to me that I meant more to him that a piece of meat, and in return he said he wanted 'no strings.' It ended up being an 18 hour conversation from initial flirting, to vicious verbal attacks and a lot of confusion on his part… from saying he 'cared about me' and that he felt it was true that we had a bond that was hard for both of us to let go and only circumstance is keeping us apart, to saying that he doesn't miss me or wish to see me… In the end I told him he was an insensitive asshole and stopped all contact. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, yet I did it so I could stop the hurt.
But still the married men keep coming… I've had two consume my time over the last few days - one as a friend and one from the website. I hate it with a passion, but they all do it because they are lonely and they just want some company. And I can understand that, because I too get lonely, but what I don't understand is why they can't talk openly with their wives about what they talk to me about?
I don't want a married man… I only started my relationship with my lover because I felt he was on the brink of ending his marriage… and for the first year of our relationship, he was, he just continued what we had for 'just in case.' I want someone who can give their whole self to me… as all women want, and at the start, I pretty much had all the time I wanted to have with him to myself. But I'm not going there again, and my lover was an exception to the rule, because of how our relationship worked. Who knows if now is the time for me to be dipping my toes into the water of dating, or if it will happen when it happens. But life would be so much easier if men who want a more active sex life were more honest with their wives and decide between them either to up their sex lives together, or agree that a discreet relationship would be OK for both parties to ensure their marriage of family, finances and memories stay happy.
No wonder it's hard for women to trust again… and I guess men who have been affected by affairs too, struggle with the concept of trust. From it all, it makes me value honesty in relationships, and if anyone lies to me about anything - from their age, to their marital status, to their relationship with their kids, to telling me that they need my phone number because they are going off the dating website, to win me over, I will tell them politely to 'f*&^ off.' (conundrum intended!)
I know people will think that I am silly, and many other women out there for ever being involved with a married man in the first place, but no one knows the circumstances and, for me, how strange the relationship became. Really, even a Hollywood script writer couldn't have made up what happened between us. But in the end, no one wants to play games, be lied to or be treated like they don't matter. And for every man who cheats on his wife, he's destroying two women's lives…. and that's what's so hard to take.
Saturday, 1 February 2014
First Week Back at School
After almost 6 weeks off, my boys are finally back at school.
We've gone from this 9 years ago when he first started kindergarten…
For my oldest son, it's his first year in high school - such a huge step in the world of Australian schools. For my youngest son, he's now considered to be a 'senior' in primary school, in Grade 5 in a 5/6 composite class of only boys, a rarity in public schools.
So, with 3 days down, were their some teething problems? Yes!!
The first day was great… they both made their ways to school and back again without a hitch. My oldest, the first on public transport by himself, so a really great feat. The only problem was, as he received all his books for school, I did tell him only to bring home the books he needs for homework, but he brought all his books back… making it a heavy trek back home. He did come home excited that he was actually LEARNING something! He was confident in his French class, thanks to about 2 weeks in French speaking countries last year, he was excited about learning the history of numbers in his maths class, and absolutely loved drama. My youngest didn't have much to report, except he wished that certain friends were in his class, even though he does have a handful. Makes it hard when half the class are older students.
The second day, wasn't so good, in terms of logistics. I told both my boys that I had a 4pm appointment and that they had to make their own way home. At 3.45pm I get a phone call… "I caught the wrong bus." O-oh… "Where are you?" I asked. "I'm in Caulfield." "Where in Caulfield?" I asked. "On Glen Huntly Road" "I've just hit Glen Huntly Road on the way to my appointment. I can pick you up. Can you see anything that can help me find you?" I asked. "I'm outside a car wash." Now, there's 2 car washes I know on Glen Huntly Road, and of course I go to the first one and can't find him. I call him again, to ask him if can identify the cross street, and he confirms he's at the other one. Literally, from the time he first called me, to the time I picked him up, it was less than five minutes. I guess it was good timing! AND I got to my appointment on time :)
At the same time, I get a text from my youngest son saying he forgot his keys. And a text from my neighbour saying that he was at her place playing Minecraft with her son. Thank God for neighbours! But you can imagine how much now I drum into them that they need their wallets, keys and phones ALL THE TIME!
Day 3 went well, but then I was home for both of them when they got home, AND my oldest son remembered to empty out his bag into his locker so he didn't have so much to carry… but for some silly reason, he left his pencil case in his locker. I told him that he needs to keep his pencil case and diary with him all the time. Everything else will depend on what homework he has.
So now, we have homework on weekends, which never happened in primary school. Homework that needs to be finished at the end of each day, rather than before the end of the week, and a little more responsibility because we three are going our own individual ways each day. Their social lives are becoming more active, with my oldest going to the movies with a mate last night, and I doing the 9.30pm pick up (there goes any chance of me having a social life!). As long as the attitude doesn't start creeping in, I am sure I will be fine with it all.
So life is a little different, but 'good' different. In a little over a week, my oldest will be at school camp for a few days and he'll be wiser in the ways of teenage life. But at the moment, I'm loving that he's keen to be independent, keen to learn, happy to do his homework and still enjoy time with his Mum and brother.
We've gone from this 9 years ago when he first started kindergarten…
to this:
For my oldest son, it's his first year in high school - such a huge step in the world of Australian schools. For my youngest son, he's now considered to be a 'senior' in primary school, in Grade 5 in a 5/6 composite class of only boys, a rarity in public schools.
So, with 3 days down, were their some teething problems? Yes!!
The first day was great… they both made their ways to school and back again without a hitch. My oldest, the first on public transport by himself, so a really great feat. The only problem was, as he received all his books for school, I did tell him only to bring home the books he needs for homework, but he brought all his books back… making it a heavy trek back home. He did come home excited that he was actually LEARNING something! He was confident in his French class, thanks to about 2 weeks in French speaking countries last year, he was excited about learning the history of numbers in his maths class, and absolutely loved drama. My youngest didn't have much to report, except he wished that certain friends were in his class, even though he does have a handful. Makes it hard when half the class are older students.
The second day, wasn't so good, in terms of logistics. I told both my boys that I had a 4pm appointment and that they had to make their own way home. At 3.45pm I get a phone call… "I caught the wrong bus." O-oh… "Where are you?" I asked. "I'm in Caulfield." "Where in Caulfield?" I asked. "On Glen Huntly Road" "I've just hit Glen Huntly Road on the way to my appointment. I can pick you up. Can you see anything that can help me find you?" I asked. "I'm outside a car wash." Now, there's 2 car washes I know on Glen Huntly Road, and of course I go to the first one and can't find him. I call him again, to ask him if can identify the cross street, and he confirms he's at the other one. Literally, from the time he first called me, to the time I picked him up, it was less than five minutes. I guess it was good timing! AND I got to my appointment on time :)
At the same time, I get a text from my youngest son saying he forgot his keys. And a text from my neighbour saying that he was at her place playing Minecraft with her son. Thank God for neighbours! But you can imagine how much now I drum into them that they need their wallets, keys and phones ALL THE TIME!
Day 3 went well, but then I was home for both of them when they got home, AND my oldest son remembered to empty out his bag into his locker so he didn't have so much to carry… but for some silly reason, he left his pencil case in his locker. I told him that he needs to keep his pencil case and diary with him all the time. Everything else will depend on what homework he has.
So now, we have homework on weekends, which never happened in primary school. Homework that needs to be finished at the end of each day, rather than before the end of the week, and a little more responsibility because we three are going our own individual ways each day. Their social lives are becoming more active, with my oldest going to the movies with a mate last night, and I doing the 9.30pm pick up (there goes any chance of me having a social life!). As long as the attitude doesn't start creeping in, I am sure I will be fine with it all.
So life is a little different, but 'good' different. In a little over a week, my oldest will be at school camp for a few days and he'll be wiser in the ways of teenage life. But at the moment, I'm loving that he's keen to be independent, keen to learn, happy to do his homework and still enjoy time with his Mum and brother.
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