When the Ex Finds a New Mate

When your ex finds a new lover and introduces that woman/man to your kids, how do you feel? Is there jealousy, concern, uncertainty? Do you want to warn this woman/man about all the horrible things that your ex did to you before it's too late, or do you snidely sit back and just watch history repeat itself and be thankful it's not you again? It's a tricky one as there are so many scenarios...

I've heard of all types of stories from new step-mums coming in and claiming your child as her own, and even being affectionate to your child in front of your family and friends and fighting black and blue to dishonour the person you are so that she can step in and replace you, effectively... through to women meeting the children for the first time and completely disgusted by the way the father has treated his children in front of her, that she's claimed that she's sick and walked away, before it's all too late.

I think for most single parents, the first reaction is concern. Concern about how serious the relationship is, concern about how involved this new person will be in your lives, concern about how the dynamics will change within your relationship with your children, concern for your children about how they will be treated, concern that he or she could actually live an unruly life and show your children things your don't want. Negative thoughts are always going to come into play, because you know how much time and effort you put into your kids, how much your ex does or doesn't and you don't know if the change will be a good thing or a series of trips down to the Family Court.

In someways, you want your ex to be happy, so that all the negative thoughts he thinks about you will disappear and there won't be that underlying resentment, but in other ways, you pity the fool who is with him. But you analyse that person to the nth degree, as if you were dating them, because you only want the best person to be there for your children.

And you do the same when you search for a mate... you are critical, look for every little sign that screams at you telling you something's not right, you question things, you demand honesty and it's really hard to allow yourself the freedom to actually enjoy someone's company without thinking 'is this person going to be good for my kids as well as for me?' And they maybe awesome for your kids, but lacking things for you, and then you struggle with 'settling' all over again. You don't want that...

But all in all, all you want is to ensure your children and in a safe, loving environment. You don't want animosity, you want fairness in everything - responsibility, finances, love and commitment to and for your children. And if this new person comes in demanding a new set of stakes, then the war starts all over again, and that's when the fairness goes out the window. Oh, the heartache...