Yesterday was my big day... I turned 40. So much I wanted to achieve before I was 40... well, really only a publishing deal, but I'm confident it will happen while I am 40, so I'm OK with that... but I believe the 'wise' button was released and I've finally put a stop to all the things that were making me distressed, upset, fragile and unsure of who I am, and somehow the clarity shone through and I've realised what is important to me.
My first piece of clarity was seeing how much I am actually loved by so many people around the world. Friends old and new said the most beautiful, uplifting, positive things about me - things I didn't realise they could see in me, things I hope I try to be but most the time I don't feel, so it was nice to know that the message I want to get out about who I am is being heard by some of the most beautiful people I know. And then there is family who were never really there for me when I was younger because of circumstance, but I find to be more family to me now than ever before, thanks to the connecting nature of Facebook and email. And then there are work colleagues - even some I don't even see anymore wished me the happiest of birthdays. All in all, on the days I can feel so lonely, I know now that I have no reason to be... everyone is just a phone call, an email, a Facebook message or a Skype away, because as much as they care, show support and enjoy my company, it made me realise how special so many people are to me.
The second piece of clarity is that for the past 25 years I have been completely and utterly insane. And by that, I mean, I have tried and tried and tried to show reason, love, compassion, companionship, generosity, joy, inspiration and trust to some of the most important people anyone could have in their lives, yet almost every time I try to get close, do something to show them how special they are to me, go out of my way, reveal my vulnerabilities, create a common bond, really anything that is supposed to keep this particular relationship alive... they have knocked me down, judged me, hurt my feelings, killed my spirit, used information I gave them against me and have shown not one inch of compassion, support or love for the very person I am or be the people I need them to be. And the ironic thing is, they only want to have 'positive people' in their lives, yet they can only say negative things about me to me. So I've come to the conclusion that I will no longer bother wasting my heart away on a relationship that doesn't serve me any purpose except heartache. I cannot change them, and they cannot change me, so the relationship cannot exist.
The third piece of clarity is I need to learn to love myself more. I have to stop being so hard on myself - stop working so hard, start exercising more, start relishing the beautiful tastes in food rather than just eating for the sake of eating, start taking in deeper breaths, start smiling more, start laughing more and start seeing the funny side of things rather than the serious side. I had an amazing lunch with an old girlfriend yesterday, someone I don't think I had seen in about 3 years, and we chatted like it was only last week that we had last seen each other. We laughed at some of the serious things that had happened in our lives which were stranger than fiction, we joked about imaginary scenarios and in the end, we wished we had so much more time to catch up, even though it ended up being a 3 hour lunch. I need to take more time out to enjoy those moments.
This is possibly the first year I have received presents and actually appreciated every single one of them. It's not that I haven't been grateful when I receive a present, it's that I get disheartened that I make such an effort to buy the perfect present for people I love, and not the same thought goes into a gift for me... For instance, it took almost 16 years of being with my husband for him to buy something that was solely for me and I wanted it, not something that he wanted to give to me because he wanted it. But this year, I must have put the vibe out, as I was spoilt with some beautiful and unexpected gifts. My favourite one was a little Happiness Kit - which had an eraser in it to erase all the bad things out of your life, a couple of marbles in case you lost yours, a button to press in case of panic, a peg to hold it all together and a coin so you're never completely broke. I smiled as it was so sweet, and when I saw my neighbour to thank her for it, she said 'well they say you can't buy happiness, and now you can!' in the form of this little kit. So cute, and so perfect as a little reminder of what you need to do to stay happy.
For all those who know me well, they know I have a huge heart... and unfortunately that heart gets hurt and bruised too easily, yet it can also open up huge and wide for those who appreciate it. I will give money to the kids who are sick, in poverty or trying to make something of themselves. I give to the emergency services for the amazing jobs they do in helping everyone in our society. I will be there for friends who go through a crisis and need an emotional outlet to talk through it all or just give them a hug and the support they need. I will do whatever it takes to ensure my children get the education they need, stop any bullying they go through, enable them to maintain friendships by valuing their choices in friends and be the best Mum I can be. And by doing all of it, knowing that I am helping, inspiring and giving to those who actually appreciate me, I know I am being the best person I can be. And that's all that matters... to be the best person I can be for my kids, for my friends, the family that values me and for me.
They say that 'Life Begins at 40'... well maybe that's true... maybe it's when all your fears wither away and you get the courage to be the person you want to be, retain the relationships that serve you best and find the place inside to love yourself.
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