Parenting values have changed over the last 20 odd years. Your parents were considered 'strict' if they didn't let you do anything. You weren't allowed to play with friends after school, you had to stay home and do your homework, you weren't allowed to leave the house by yourself, and you were grounded, smacked, punished and yelled at for every minor thing you did wrong. A grounding usually didn't mean much, because you weren't allowed to do anything you wanted to do anyway, it just meant that you couldn't have 'lolly night' - the treat for the week, because you were 'grounded,' you couldn't watch TV or you couldn't participate in a family activity, which usually inconvenienced one of your parents as well, as they had to stay home with you, while they others enjoyed the outing. But your parents were considered 'strict' because they didn't let up on the punishment... there was no leniency, no mercy because they wanted to teach you a lesson to stop whatever you did from you doing it again.
So in 2013, what is considered to be a 'strict' parent? A strict parent is now considered to be a parent who insists a child helps around the home rather than putting 'restrictions' on them. They make their children be independent - putting clothes in the laundry, putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher after they have eaten a meal, making their own lunches for school, having allotted times for homework, walking home from school by themselves and having their own keys to the house, essentially allowing them the freedom to look after themselves but also contribute to the team/family environment. Whereas, the 'new normal' parent does everything for their child - takes them to school, chooses their clothes for them each morning, makes their breakfast, ballet lessons, dance lessons, soccer training, swimming lessons, playdates (and stays with them), essentially fills up their calendar so there is absolutely no time to actually do any chores, homework or have a chance to actually learn any life skills, except socialising (probably because they have a housekeeper or cleaner to do it all for them).
The problem with the new normal style of parenting is that they aren't helping their children develop the skills and character they need later in life to help them deal with adversity. Chores are things no one wants to do, but if our children did everything they wanted to do, they would be spoilt little brats and won't be able to cope with being told 'No' when they apply for a job. You have to do the hard yards to get the rewards. As my old school motto says 'No reward without effort.' And it's true... if we raise children who don't understand the value of hard work, independence and actually doing things for themselves, then what hope have they got on the outside world?
So, with the new definitions, I would be considered a 'strict' parent. And I do get the weird looks from parents who can't believe my 10 year old walks a 20 minute walk home from school every day because they think he's too young, or it's too far. But he loves it, as he gets to walk home with a couple of friends, who are a little closer than he to school, and they stop at a friend's house to shoot a few hoops, and it's his own time just to be himself. He's aware of the time, and it's very rarely he goes past his expected time to be home, but he has his phone on him, so I can reach him. It's about teaching your children responsibility, and with responsibility comes rewards. I even get weird looks when I go out for dinner with friends and I no longer call a babysitter. My boys are completely safe at home, and we have neighbours they can call if they are worried or start a kitchen fire. They know what they are allowed to do and not to do when I'm out, and they will often text me to see if they can rent a movie off Apple TV when they could easily just waste the money away without me knowing about it, and it's all too late.
By saying this, we have developed a level of respect between us - respect that allows us all to have fun, be responsible for ourselves as well as the family unit and help each other out when we can. And if there is too much iPad game playing and homework gets neglected, then unfortunately, we do go back to the iPad ban for 24 hours, but there is no resentment for it... they know that they stuffed up and they have to make up lost time and finish what needs to be done.
My job as a parent is to prepare my children for the rest of their lives. If you don't take the baby steps early on in life - and that can be from the age of 2 or 3, they will get a rude awakening when it's time to be responsible for themselves. You can't hold their hand through every little step, you need to show them the way, praise them for their successes, and encourage them to keep going if they aren't quite getting it.
I find it's the older parent (the parents who had their children in their late 30s/early 40s) who are the 'new normal' and the younger parents are the 'new strict.' Maybe it has something to do with how long they tried to conceive a child, or they saved for their financially secure lives before having children so they can enjoy them, do everything for them and hold onto their babies for as long as they can, whereas the younger parents, the ones who need to work hard to keep money coming in, have less time to take their children to 15 different activities a week and need the help around the house or need their children to be a little more independent, are the 'strict' ones. And there are those in the middle who are a mixture of the two. We need to allow our children to grow up, we need to stop thinking of them as your little baby when they are 8 or 9 (as extraordinary as it sounds, some kids are entering puberty by then) and have faith, that if we teach them well, they will be amazing, responsible, capable, understanding and loving kids for the rest of their lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment