Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman do it... they openly declare that they put their love for each other first over their children. And I know there is a whole generation of baby-boomers and pre-baby-boomers that do it. Prior to the World Wars, parents had the pre-conceived idea that if a child dies, because it was common through disease, ignorance and lack of education, they would actually 'replace' that dead child with another by conceiving again, so it was important to keep their marriage in harmony by putting each other first. But in reality, what is best for your marriage AND your family?
I'm a little torn on this debate, as I have experienced both. As a daughter of parents who put their own needs ahead of their children - ensuring they had money for their retirement, supporting each other when one of them were telling the children off and concerned about their own social plans before the social needs of their own children, I felt the brunt of my feelings and voice not being considered. I was an underling, someone who had to respect my elders when I felt I wasn't being respecting as a human being. It was a form of emotional abuse that sits with me to this very day. However, my parents are still married and enjoy each other's company, and even though they don't tell us as individuals, they are proud of the children they have raised.
Because of how I felt as a child growing up in that environment, I always said I would put my children's needs first. I couldn't believe that my mother didn't stick up for me or my sisters when she knew in her heart that we were being wronged. It was tough love. So as we grew up, if anything happened in my marriage that didn't sit right with me, them not getting a fair go in sports or school, or through my children's peers bullying them, I would show my children that I would be there for them, no matter what. And I can vow to this day, no matter who it is, I have always stood up for my children. I wonder though, if I did what my mother did, would I still be in a place that I was scared to be in, being taken advantage in all facets of my life, seeing my children being hurt, wetting the bed because they were scared, because of some vows that I honoured, but weren't honoured in return?
I know people who put the livelihood of their children's needs first over their marriage. They constantly fight, bicker and are spiteful to one another, to the point of saying that one child loves them more than the other because he/she spends more time with them. It's childish in so many ways. Now that their children are off their hands, are adults and married, they still give more time to their children and grandchildren than they do their own marriage. They have separate hobbies and friends, different physical levels - he's into sport, she can't climb a flight of stairs, and they literally have nothing in common except their kids and a pool of assets and debts. They even choose to live separately and be together occasionally. But they believe that they must stay together based on their Christian values and that they need to show their children the commitment of what a marriage is, no matter how much hurt they give each other. They are both very much into ordering 'who' they love the most within their family. He actually always put his own mother first before his children and then his wife was way down the line.
Personally, I believe you look after each other first before you have children and establish the strengths within you, then when your children arrive, you look after your children - they have no one except YOU. When your children are old enough to be independent - you can determine if that is when they finish college or get their first full time job or some other milestone, then you devote yourself to your spouse, as long as your marriage has survived, and these days many don't, and many actually fall apart when the children leave. Your children have their own partners and children to look after once they move away. You've done what you can to rear them into upstanding citizens. It doesn't make you love them any less and want to be there for them, it's just working out who's your priority - your spouse or your children who's more important to you. If you choose 'time with your children' when they are off your hands and have their own lives, then there truly is no point in continuing your marriage, because you aren't being true to anyone, especially yourself.
The empty-nester years are the time to reignite your love for your partner. You can keep that fire alight with regular date nights and quiet intimate times throughout the twenty odd years your nurture your children, but if you can't bring back the passion when you're house is empty, then what's the point of living a miserable co-existence with someone who doesn't bring you joy in your life without your children being there? Your children see you as being individuals, and love you so. They don't need to have you together if all they see is exasperation and anger between you.
But, at the same time, if you truly have to consciously order who you love the most in your life, who you'd rescue from a burning ship first if that hypothetical question came up, you really have to question the truth behind your love for your family... everyone should be loved equally, no matter what. It's such a cruel thing to say someone is your favourite when there are so many others in your life who matter. If you need a pegging order, you need to step aside and spend some time thinking about what it is you truly want in your life, because numbering your family from one to ten, shows no unity, and you need to get yourself out.
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