I spoke to a vendor today about the reasons for selling their home. It was a story I could easily relate to. Essentially, there had been an affair between her husband and another lady. Once she found out about the affair, which lasted a little over three years, she did everything in her power to keep her husband. I asked her why? Her trust had been betrayed and her life as she knew it was something that could never be built back to what they had before. I asked her if she could live her life knowing that it could happen again, and essentially she said, it didn't matter, because she was just too scared starting over again, or feeling lonely and she really had no idea how she would survive financially on her own. So she stayed.
They decided to sell their home so that the 'other woman' would not stalk them or know where they live. She literally felt frightened of the potential of this other woman. She didn't want to know her husband's feelings for the other woman, she just wanted her out of his life and would do anything to ensure she would leave them alone. She was extremely hurt, because every time her name came up in conversation, she could see the love in her husband's eyes for this woman, a love he once had for her. She never asked why he decided to stay with her, and not the other woman, but she felt that he was scared of losing the love of his children for betraying the family.
The other woman was making contact with her husband every now and again, and to regain his wife's trust again, her husband told his wife about the contact and that he was ignoring the emails and phone calls, to prove to his wife that he was re-dedicating his energy to her. The more the emails and phone calls came in, the angrier his wife became. I asked her why she was angry, hadn't she already won the battle, making her husband stay with her? She agreed that she had, but felt an overwhelming sense of jealousy, that if this woman kept contacting him, there will be one day that he will break and go back to her. She literally didn't know what to do but fight for her life back.
I asked her if she really felt she had her life back or will ever have her life back? The life she thought she'd always have with him. And she said 'No.' I told her that that was sad, and she deserved better.
She decided to contact the 'other woman' telling her to leave them alone. She thought she would try making her jealous by telling her all the sexual things they do together, that he takes her out to expensive restaurants and buys her exquisite jewellery. She told her about corporate events he took her to, showing her off to his professional fraternity in her beautiful gown and diamonds. She even sent her pictures of them being together. But the other woman didn't care and told her so. The wife thought it was so weird that this woman wasn't interested in his money, wasn't interested in his occupation, wasn't interested in what she was interested in with him.
I told her, that maybe it's a sign of true love. A love that only cares about him as a person - his mind, his body, his spiritualism, his feelings and his love for life, not all the materialism that goes with a good occupation. Maybe that's what he felt was missing in your marriage.
I could see she was thinking about it, thinking how shallow she had been, thinking that maybe that was the reason why he strayed in the first place because he wasn't being loved for 'him' only what he could provide.
I asked her if this move will solve all their problems? She wasn't sure. She wanted to move because she knew the woman had been in the house and that thought just repulsed her. She wanted to spend more time with him, so reducing the mortgage would help in giving them some time back together. So she thought it would be a good thing, and he agreed. I asked her if she knew what she wanted and what she could give her husband to make sure he didn't stray again, and she didn't know, except to spend more time with him. She didn't know if that was the answer, she just wanted to try.
I sensed her loneliness in all of this. She had no friends or family to turn to, as she didn't want her husband's reputation marred within their family or friendships. But I felt that she struggled with learning to trust him again, as every action, every word, every phone call and every email sound would be scrutinised, analysed and consume her, even if this woman doesn't contact him for 6 months, 12 months or 5 years, she will always think that any contact her husband receives outside their marriage could be 'the other woman.' She admitted that it would be something that would eat her up inside for the rest of her married life, but she felt it was worth it, just so she didn't feel scared of looking after herself or feeling lonely. The funny thing is, unless she goes to counselling or a support group, she will always be alone. The one thing she's certain of though, is that all trust is gone, and that's what's the hardest thing to deal with and always will be.
Sometimes, you just have to have a belief in yourself that you are better than this, have the courage to leave because you don't deserve to feel a constant hole in your heart. You need to believe that you deserve to be loved for you, not the family that ties you together. And you need to believe, no matter how long it's been since you have been out of the market, there will be someone more loving towards you and more deserving of your love.
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