Trick or Treat!

Halloween is becoming more popular in Australia, and every year, my boys ask if they can go 'Trick or Treating', and generally because it's my busy time of year with work, it's always a last minute decision if we can go or not. Of course, they want to Trick or Treat with friends, so last minute call ups to friend's parents are not ideal, as other arrangements for their children have already been made, or they aren't going, so it makes it really hard for my kids.

So this year was no different... I told them this morning that if I finish my work before they come home from school, then we can call around, see if anyone has organised something, then go to the $2 shop and get their costumes. It was all in the timing and luckily I had 5 minutes of work to finish when they got home at 3.50pm, shops close generally around 5pm to get the costume, but we had to make sure we could tag along with others, as it's our first time, we didn't know which houses to approach. But then my boys were too interesting the the TV when they got home from school, and not in the event they had been nagging me for a month. So I nagged them back! "IF YOU WANT TO GO TRICK OR TREATING, WE HAVE TO GO TO THE SHOPS NOW!!!" But as none of their friend's parents had returned my calls or some had pre-arranged to go with other kids, their interest had waned.

At 4.15pm I get a call from my 9 year old's friend's mum saying that they are going, but not till about 6.30pm, I said that's fine, I'll just see if I can get them off the couch to buy a costume. As soon as I said that they could go with someone, they jumped off and we went shopping.

We got to the shops, and as it was already Halloween, most the costumes were gone. There were a few masks, and plenty of accessories, but of course, the ones they had seen in the window were not in their size or were sold out. So another painful excursion to eventually get some pumpkin masks, a knife, some fake blood, some oversized t-shirts to destroy if they wanted to and they were set. (as you can see, I was rather over-tired myself, as I'd been working since 4.30am, and was at that point of being deliriously tired!)

We went home and set up ready to go by about 5.30pm. I suggested to the boys that we go down to one of the local shopping strips, as they were having a Trick or Treat event in some participating shops. They agree to go down, even though I said we might be a bit late, as a lot of the shops would have shut for the night. We arrived, and there were still plenty of kids in witches costumes, and ghost masks walking down the street, but not many shops with 'treats' to share. However, the further down the street we went, the more we realised that the event was a success, as the boutique ice-cream shop gave away 700 ice-creams, and they were sold out. We saw some of the boys friends, and there were some parents with bowls of treats just to keep the momentum going, but otherwise the shops seemed to be exhausted by the on-rush of costumed-tikes going up and down the street.

I decided to rush home and get our bowl of goodies to hand out to kids in the street, as I knew that our bowl would remain full if we kept it at home. We arrived at my son's friend's house and bumped into our old neighbours. A few more families joined in with children ranging from 5 years old up to 11 years old, and the adventure was on. They knocked on doors with signs out the front, and their eagerness knocked on doors without signs too! My boys mood definitely changed from grumble bums to avid souls doing everything we tell them not to do (knocking on strangers doors and accepting candy from strangers!) when it's not Halloween.

What was supposed to be only half an hour, turned into almost an hour and a half. And the more houses we knocked on, the more joined our group of trick or treaters. In the end, it was a fun night of kids being kids.

Anyway, here a re few pics of the night! Happy Halloween!

Blind Faith

We all have spiritual beliefs... some rely on religion to get them through the day, some believe in the universe and all that come from the stars, planets and time, and some turn to ancient predictions like those of Nostradamus, psychics and mediums who can talk to the deceased. But in essence, it is all blind faith. Faith in something outside ourselves that gives us hope.

In essence, 'blind faith' is a concept that makes us want to look into the future, and doesn't concentrate on the 'now.' And by doing this, we all seem to want something that we can't have, which for some can  bring us down and make us vulnerable, but for others it can make us proactive, and literally do everything we can to achieve our heart's greatest desires.

No one really knows what the future holds, even if we talk to psychics, have our own premonitions, or get a message from God... no one really knows. We all know that Nostradamus predicted that 2012 was the end of life on this earth, and with the number of natural disasters happening this year, you wonder if there is reality to any of it and if we will actually see 2013, but no one is really preparing for the end now that we are here... With Hurricane Sandy on the edge of the East Coast of the US as we speak and building rather than subsiding, it truly is frightening knowing that the major business and political sector of this world could literally be under water in a matter of hours. But then, somehow, as a global population, we re-adjust and make the world a safer, more compassionate place once we have all been hit with some type of human tragedy or disaster.

So why do we look outside ourselves and not within ourselves to find a place of peace, happiness and prosperity? Why are so many people not happy within their own skin and place blame on others, or even God for not being able to find internal happiness? And why do with rely so much on other people giving us that sense of happiness and peace within ourselves when we should be able to find that by ourselves? It's a complex argument, as there are so many differing factors that make us who we are, and circumstances also shape who we are, but if we can drop all that emotional baggage and look for the simple happiness that we can enjoy every day, then maybe, just maybe, we can find the strength to believe in our own abilities more and forget about the external energies that drag us back...

The reality is, if we can enjoy the simple pleasures - driving in the car singing the songs off the radio, walking in the sunshine, the joys of giving your children a hug or them asking you a question, feeling the rain on our skin, indulging in a book, catching up with friends, tasting the flavour in food, appreciating your nakedness and even the joy of waking up in the morning, then from these positive actions and appreciating their positive nature, we can build on those positives to bring bigger happinesses and opportunities to your life. And those happinesses and opportunities aren't necessarily those happinesses and opportunities that you have stuck in your mind... they could be completely different, and that's why it's so important to live in the 'now' than the future or the past.

I'm not suggesting that we can't have ambitions, but more enjoy the ride... enjoy the smaller things in life that give us happiness and not put pressures on ourselves that were set 20, 30 or 40 years ago because that's what we always dreamed to have had and haven't happened. If we live the life that is given to us, and not rely on the 'blind faith' of an outside force, work on the challenges that are presented to us so that they don't impact us with negativity, then somehow our lives can be even better than we dreamed.

Humans by nature, put extreme pressures on ourselves, and sometimes on each other to achieve something that simply aren't what was going to happen in our lives. But if we can look into ourselves, and stop placing judgement on each other and respect each other's lives and decisions, show compassion to every living thing, find the truth within ourselves and stop pretending to be someone else, then maybe, just maybe, we can have a world where we can find harmony and happiness without relying on 'blind faith.'

Calling for Mr Right!

There's a radio program at the moment looking for Melbourne's Mr Right. And it got me thinking... how can we all have the same Mr Right?

OK... so he has to be handsome, absolutely in love with us, have a good sense of humour, helps around the house, a good provider, good with money and if you've got kids - takes on all the parental responsibilities and loves them as you do... but how about all the other stuff?

What about your attitudes in life? Does he have to have a strong work ethic? Would you mind if he worked too much? Is it OK to have different spiritual beliefs? Do you have to have compatible upbringings? Do you have to be compatible in the bedroom, that is, is it OK for him to be kinky where you're conservative, can you be swayed over? Do you have to have the same attitude to money - will it be OK for him to like the finer things in life while you like the practical? Is it OK to put his mother on a pedestal while you live up to those standards? My list could go on... but are women out there hoping to find someone who ticks all the boxes and not happy with just the main ones?

Most of us settle... settle for Mr Right Now, not Mr Right... because finding our perfect man is almost unachievable. And when we have kids to think about as single parents, it's almost impossible to find someone who you can trust enough to invite into your home and be a family with them as well. Trust is a big issue... most single mums choose to either have a sex life hidden from their children, others choose not to have one at all until they are comfortable enough with someone they've met to introduce them to their children. And really, in most cases, the ones who are happy to take on our baggage, happy to be inviting into our lop-sided families, are the keepers because they have taken on all of you as part of who you are.

But they are rare... rare to find, rare because they may have their own baggage and you fight over who's baggage is more important... or they are enjoying their own sense of freedom now that they have separated/divorced from their ex-spouses and don't want to take on more.

And then there is the other type of Mr Right... the Mr Right who ticks every single box in your eyes, heart and soul, as you do to him, but he's not prepared to make the sacrifices that you do to continue your relationship... because of his insecurities and inability to accept change in his life. And that's what breaks your heart. Because you know you are right for each other, you know you can make it work, but it all seems too hard for him because he's lived his life the way he has for so many years, and can't make the readjustment. If it's meant to be, it will be...

So to have a radio competition to find a collective city's Mr Right, is probably not a perfect scenario... and it's interesting how many of the nominations are already married men. So if he is so rightfully Mr Right, then no one else can have him... which in effect makes you think, what's the point?!

Cheating Part Two!

I had a very interesting conversation today with an orthodox Jewish man who seemed to be in his mid 60s, a doctor and is someone who is trying to instil a new concept in school children about living in the moment by having educational classes for them about being 'present' in their lives, and not worrying so much about the past or the future. He says that he writes blogs and has a website, so he's very passionate about his teachings and inspiration. So I told him about my blog, and how I wrote a blog about 'cheating' yesterday... and he had some very interesting things to say.

As part of my job, I walked through his home... his house was full of Hebrew texts, he touched each Mezuzah as he walked through all the doorways, he quoted scriptures from the Torah, had the traditional Kosher kitchen with the two dishwashers, two sinks, two stovetops, etc, the back porch set up for Sukkot, he rode a bicycle to and from work as part of this religious holiday season, he had his full beard that was not groomed and tipped the midst of his chest and he wore his yarmulke... he was an authentic as they get.

As part of his educational classes, he was also involved with classes for adults. He recalled one where he was involved and there was a lecturer talking to the audience about 'love', and how to rekindle your spark when things are down. The audience felt inspired after the lecture, but some realised that their wedded partner was not giving them the spark that they once had. The lecturer and his wife decided to sit down and have a conversation with another married couple and my Jewish friend was part of it as a casual observer. He observed the woman from the audience, and she decided there and then to tell her husband after 32 years of marriage that she was no longer in love with him. This came as a shock to him, because he dearly loved his wife. The lecturer told the couple that it was OK for them to not be in love with each other, as long as they still loved each other as companions and for the memories they have together. Then as the lecturer had seen this courage from the woman, he told his wife that he was actually in love with another woman... all in front of this small group of people. Again, shock! She was devastated as she was totally in love with her husband - so proud of him in his achievements, and loved being his wife. He then took the hand of the woman from the audience and said that he was in love with her! This astounded both the betrayed wife of the lecturer and the husband of the other woman, as they had no idea that either had been cheating on them. He then announced that they had made a decision together... that all four of them should live under the one roof as two married couples with 'outside interests' so it didn't hurt their family units. It took a few days to agree with it all, but the couples decided to move in together. The cheating couple suggested to their spouses that they should try being together, but they just couldn't see it working for them. After six months of their spouses hearing the grunts of 'humping' (as my Jewish friend said!), both the betrayed wife and the betrayed husband decided that the house wasn't for them. The wife told her husband that she still loved him but it was time for her to find someone to fall in love with her again, and left. The husband told her wife that he wanted to sail around the world, and he too left, just like Noah did with his ark of animals - escaped from all that he knew to start a new life.

But then my Jewish friend said something that took me quite aback... he said we all should have two wives - one for the household business and one to be passionate with. However, he never really went into the detail of if he had actually been in that position...

I guess, from all the talks I have with people, all the information people freely give me, if we are religious or not, we all have ways of going about our personal affairs. Most people are traditionalists, or at least start out as traditionalists - one man, one woman, one marriage. But the reality of life is, that most will stray from that traditional formula - the fairytale life that we all imagine our lives will be like. Some are strong and believe that their spouse doesn't deserve to be treated with such disrespect, knowing that they had broken their vows and end their marriage... others hold onto something and try to repair their marriage, others are too weak to succumb to change so they continue to live a life of lies, spitefulness, distrust and disharmony in complete unhappiness.

But as people on the outside, who are we to judge? Yes we have our own sets of morals and ethics, but who are we to impose those on others? We don't have to agree with what's being said, and we certainly don't have to adapt our lives to something we are not comfortable with, but if someone chooses to tell you about something that they have done, something that they enjoy, something that they aren't sure about, or simply something that's on their mind, you should accept that it took courage for your friend, acquaintance, relative or complete stranger to own up to their thoughts or reality and confide in you, and just support them in whatever they choose to do in their lives, no matter if you agree with it or not.

Cheating...

What is cheating? Is cheating being involved with a married person who is separated from their spouse or do they have to wait until the divorce goes through before they are freed from adultery? Or is cheating only when a couple commit to each other in an exclusive relationship and covertly stray outside of that relationship? Is cheating sharing explicit texts or emails of your private parts? Or is it casual flirting in the office? Is it a lingering kiss that just shouldn't have happened, but you really wanted to, or is it the 'Monica Lewinsky,' where oral sex isn't considered cheating?

I have had friends and colleagues who have been involved from both ends - being cheated on and being the cheater, or even being the one who is free to be with whomever they like and they chose to be involved with a married person, and really, for anyone to judge in this mad mad world of high stress living, is just unacceptable. Essentially, people cheat because they want to feel loved and wanted... (and there will be a small percentage who do it 'just to see if they can get away with it.')

The statistics are quite amazing... approximately 50-65% of men under the age of 40 will admit that they have had an extramarital affair and 45-55% of women under the age of 40 will admit to having an extramarital affair. However the statistics show that they have reason to believe that it could be as high as 70% of married people have affairs in their married life, but some just chose not to admit. There was also a survey of 300 Christian pastors where 23% of them admitted to having an extramarital affair in their married life. That's 69 pastors, who devote themselves to the Faith of God, and use it to gain forgiveness for their sins. Who knows how many of them have been involved with child molestation?

So where do we draw the line? Do we accept that there are no reasons for our marital vows if so many people are having flings behind their spouses back? Do we change the marital vows to state something in the order of financially supporting each other, emotionally supporting each other and creating a family bond with each other knowing full well that there is more than a 50/50 chance that either one or both of you will step outside your marital bond and betray each other in an outside intimate relationship, so there is no point in including a fidelity clause?

I know we all step into marriage with the fairytale thoughts of 'this person is the only one for me,' but things change - financial pressures, children, domestic responsibilities, work responsibilities and extended family responsibilities... some have additional responsibilities beyond all of it, including looking after children or family members with special needs, having domestic violence issues, having their own health problems or even something traumatic like a car accident or a death in the family. No one is an island... we all have a plethora of issues going on in our lives that most people aren't aware of. And unless you communicate honestly with your spouse, have intimate times with your spouse that's beyond the 5 minute quickie before you go to sleep, affairs are going to happen. People want the romance, people want the date nights, people want to feel ALIVE!!! And if your relationship is stale, routine and either your or your spouse are feeling totally used, unappreciated or are going through a spat of depression, and neither of you communication your concerns, your relationship as you dreamed it when you were married will fall flat on its feet.

The law has changed in many countries to not cite adultery as a reason for divorce - in fact many states and territories all over the world issue out only 'no-fault divorces.' It changed back in 1970... before then, one in three divorces were because of adultery... I'm sure it's more now but the statistics aren't there to prove it. However, the consensus is that 60% of all marriages will be affected by adultery - if it's a one night stand or a long term affair.... it happened. So why are so many people shocked by the fact that they were cheated on? They should be more shocked that their marriage stood the test of time and that neither of them felt the need to cheat on each other because their love for each other was so true! But if there was cheating, didn't they feel at some point in their marriage or relationship that something wasn't quite right? That they were fighting unnecessarily or they weren't on the same wavelength with each other? That there were some mystery behind some actions, or the lying was constant?

I'm not saying I condone it or that I disagree with it... what I'm saying is don't be so surprised if it happens to you at some point in your life. I know it's not nice when it happens, I know it can literally destroy who you thought you were as an individual and as a couple. I know trust gets lost and is hard to rebuild, and I know life can be so painful because of it... but if you don't communicate with your partner properly, it's more likely going to happen than not. Cheating is not the end of the world... it makes you grow stronger and makes you gain clarity in what you want in life... We are all going to be hurt by cheating at some point in our life - if it's not us individually, it will be a family member like your son's wife, your daughter's husband or even your own parents. Accept it as a part of life and learn to move on from it...

Statistics Reference: http://hfbcshrinkwrap.wordpress.com/2007/12/23/adultery-statisitics/

Respect...

It's a funny word 'respect.' It's a word that has a little bit of selfishness in it. You ask someone to respect your feelings, your actions, your words, even if it's against their morals, way of thinking or inner strength. It's supposed to be a word that shows that you're non-judgmental on what the other person is doing or saying, but then if you do or say things that are against the other person, then in essence, you are disrespecting the other person.

So, in this world of selfishness and self-centredness, does 'respect' exist? Some say that if you respect yourself, others will respect you too... but is that true? For instance, I am dedicated to my boys, no doubt, and I will not introduce a man into their lives to be a part of my life unless I am totally sure about that man. And most men accept that, supposedly respecting that. But on the sly, they will send me secret messages via text, email or Facebook trying to get me out of my comfort zone with my boys to have an hour of carnal activity, and I'm not interested. They don't have any respect for me, my wishes or my responsibilities. They just want to have a little fun.

But in saying that, am I disrespecting them by not communicating with them they way they want me to? Hmmm.. let me think about that a little more... NO!!! If they truly wanted to have a life with me or even have a piece of me, they would be wooing me with romance, not text messages saying how they like the way my tits look.

To be honest, most men repulse me at the moment. I know I have an open honest way of talking about sex, life and how I see things, but really, if you can handle my honesty, you can give me your respect.

I try so hard to think of my readers or audience, as as a writer, you think about what your audience wants to hear... and that's in every conversation I have, every blog I write, every email I send... I try to put myself in my audience's shoes to give them some levity, some advice, some heart or some love... anything to make them feel better because they know me... but I'm afraid, not much is returned... and you just wonder why there is such a whole world of selfishness out there and not much respect.

Cultural differences and marriage in the 21st Century

I had a few chats with people this morning about how life and family is looked at in this day and age.

The first conversation was with a Greek man who has been with his wife for 20 years, married 16 of those years, and they didn't move out of home from the parent's nest until their wedding day. He always picked her up to go on a date, and dropped her home, even though she lived about 25kms away from where he lived. His mother even suggested to her parents that it would be silly for him to drop her off back to her place when it was late at night, but he didn't want a bar of it. He wanted to treat her with respect and wait till their wedding night. However, his mother had drilled into him from early on that he will sleep with many women in his time, but never sleep with the woman who will be your wife... treat her with respect. So he treated her with respect in one way, but I'm sure he was playing up behind her back before they were married, as boys do....

But one thing which he mentioned that made me stand back, was that he knows that when he married his wife they were compatible, and he is thankful that they are still compatible, but he doesn't know in 10 years or 20 years time if their ideas in life will change and they want different things, so he lives for the moment, not for living a life together to grow old together. And I think, in today's day and age, that is an extremely healthy attitude to have. Many couples 'vow' that they will be together 'till death do us part,' but in fact the constant fighting, anguish, financial hardship, different parental points of view, and heartache could actually be the death of their relationship or an actual spouse. If you don't set high expectations in your marriage, and enjoy each day for what it is rather than counting up the years, you can never be disappointed when things get awkward. Those couples struggle with the fact that they said the vow of 'till death do us part' but can't cope with actually being together. It's just so sad....

We talked about, as we were both parents, what our living expectations of our children will be when they are adults. I said that I now treat my boys as part of a team... we all help each other. If it's homework, housework, getting meals ready, putting out rubbish... we all help each other. And I want to instil that into them so that when they do become adults, it's not a rude awakening of taking on some of the responsibility. I know in my heart that no matter what, there will be a roof over my boys' head if they need one. I envisage a life where we are all travelling, separately or together and come back to the same home whenever we feel the need. I know that we will all contribute to the running of that home, depending on our time there, and if ever my boys get married, and they can't afford a home of their own, it wouldn't be any trouble for them to live under my roof - with or without children, because they are my boys. In some ways, this way of life is getting back to the roots of how life is in many third world villages, European homes and Asian countries - families sticking together and helping each other out.

There is a westernised expectation that we can stand on our own two feet and be independent, but the cost of living is overwhelming for some and they just can't afford it. Which leads me to the second conversation I had today, about the number of divorces happening out there, due to financial hardship. So many people are living beyond their means and are literally living a life of debt. Divorce makes it even harder, as now you need to have two homes, with two different sets of everything for the children. But people in general, prefer to be happy than stagnant and miserable. They choose to be the master of their destination than be pulled back by something that's not working. Some are choosing to stay in their marriage until their children are adults, knowing that they get 50/50 of the split, but also, because their own parents are dying and leaving a Will to them (and they want to make sure they are financially separated before their parents die), so that even if they get 50/50 from their divorce, they will soon also get a proportion of their parental inheritance which will help them move forward more easily. It is a very calculating time for some who work out their exact moves. It is said, that many women plan for years in their mind of how they will leave their husbands - setting up separate bank accounts, putting away secret funds, working out what type of home they will live in, etc. But some, like me, just say enough is enough and can no longer live in that existence.

For me, I am all for independence, however I am also all for being there for my boys. While you are alive, you always want them to know that they can always count on you to be there for them, whenever they cry for help. After all, that's what parenting is all about.. once you become a parent, there is never a time in your life again that you can be selfish... whatever you do, it's for you and your kids.... but that's another blog isn't it? :)

The Solar Boat Challenge

Today was a really special day, as my 11 year old participated in the Swinburne University of Technology 'Solar Boat Challenge' at Scienceworks, in Melbourne. It was his school's first attempt at putting an entrant in. There were 6 children selected to participate from Grade 5 via writing an essay about what they could do to help create the solar boat, and my son was chosen about 3 months ago to be part of the team. Today was the metropolitan schools race day, and tomorrow is the regional schools race day, plus the finals for the state. There were around 100 boats racing in the metropolitan races today, so, in essence, it was a big deal to get here.

The boat was created as a model, and they were given a limit in price to buy the solar panels, the motor and the propellor. The remainder of the boat needed to be made from recycled materials. And here it is!

The children were questions by a referee before the race to see how involved they were in building the boat (and not something the parents or teachers came up with). Once they were satisfied, they were allowed to race.

There were 3 rounds for the participants to race, upon which they adjusted their boats after each race to make them faster. After their first race, upon which they came second, they decided to add some weight in the hulls to lift the bottle tops out of the water. They found some rocks to put in there, but when they had the second race, the rocks moved around, and ended up tipping the boat further forward making it lose again. They decided to get rid of the rocks, and tape some coins to the top so that they were fixed, and took the weight off from the bottle tops, and replaced it with cloth tape so the water wouldn't get it, and they won their third race. 

After the practice sessions, there were the elimination rounds. We were first up to race, and won our elimination round, but then we had to join the schools from the second pool, and we lost our next race by a better contender. So that was the end of that.

But it was an amazing day... seeing how the kids got together to protect their boat, fix their boat and work out ways to make it better. But alongside the solar boats, were the solar cars generally done by the high school kids... and that was incredible watching what they had put together.

They gave out discretionary awards for the best poster designed to explain the process in how they came to design their boat, the best uniformed team (the kids who won named their boat 'Black Caviar' after a leading Melbourne racehorse, and dressed in jockey clothes), the best looking boat and a couple of other awards which were too muffled to hear what they were. We were in the top 5 of best poster. At least it was something!

After the race was over, the boys wanted to play in the museum - which is a fabulous display of interactive science including the physics of light, the physics of the body, the mechanics and electronics of household appliances and plenty of other fun things to do, including putting your head in a bowl of fruit!

The Solar Boat Challenge is a great opportunity for students interested in science and engineering to create something that works with limited materials. Everyone had a great day today, and Scienceworks organised it brilliantly. The enthusiasm the kids had was just inspiring, and it just makes you proud to see that your child is so eager to learn.

The First Day of Summer...

... we'll it is for us, as today was the first day of the season that we enjoyed Friday night fish n chips on the beach with friends.... hopefully the first of many!

It was funny how it happened... The day started off rainy, almost stormy with high humidity, but the bureau declared that it would be 27 degrees Celsius and sunny... how wrong were they. But by the time I picked up my oldest son from school after attending school camp for 3 days, the rain had turned to a sun filled extremely warm day. As we waited for my younger son to finish school, the humidity really made the day feel exhausting, so I decided to drive the boys up to 7-11 to get a Slurpee. As we waited in the traffic, we were lined up next to my friend driving in the same direction. We wound down the windows, she said she'd been meaning to text me and wanted to know if we would like to go to the beach for dinner tonight. We had no plans, the nights were getting longer, so why not?  And that's how it happened...

A couple of hours later, the wind had picked up a little, but it didn't affect our little Half Moon Bay as it's sheltered by the bluff and the tea-tree lined sandhills. I set up camp, putting the towels out over the sand to sit on, and the boys stripped off to go into the water... however the water was still a little chilly for the time of year. I had one son not caring about the temperature, the other who just wasn't interested in going in, then decided to sit miserably on the sand waiting for his friends to show. As for me, I just admired how beautiful our little beach is, and how wonderful it was that so many families were enjoying the evening there too.

When my friend turned up with her two boys, and three extra friends, all seven boys had a dip in the water (except my youngest who still kept saying it was too cold!), and then they went over to jump off the pier before walking to the other side of the beach to climb Red Bluff. We ordered out fish n chips, drank a bottle of bubbly between us and toasted my friend for her birthday tomorrow. We sat, chat and had a few laughs... such a nice ending to the week.

As the boys came back at the smell of food, we ate our Dory, potato cakes, calamari and chips as we watched the sun set over the bay... just a perfect ending to the working week.

We packed up everything as the light began to fade just before 8pm. The older boys walked home, while I took my two, and my friend took her younger two in the car. If only every Friday night could be as blissful as this!

Love Vs Loneliness

Some people stay eternally single... You know that they secretly desire to have someone to love them, someone to hold at night, someone to share their life with and you wish that for them too. Some of these people you know for years upon years and have never known them to be with anyone serious. Yes they go on the occasional dates, have someone sleep over every now and again, but nothing to the point of moving in with each other or starting a family together. And I guess for most of us, you get used to your friends staying single. And I think for most people who are single, they get so used to living an independent life that it truly is hard to share a life with someone else, or have someone impose their life onto yours when you have your life just the way you want it... until they fall in love, or someone wants more...

So as many people in your life are at the stage of going through horrible divorces, out comes the eternally single friend who gets engaged. You're happy for them that they have found someone who they can share their life with, but you want to protect them from the hurt and disharmony that ending a marriage can cause, considering they have a one in two chance of divorce. Maybe they will be eternally engaged or they will be happily married forever because they chose to wait, not like the rest of us, to find their perfect mate.

But the reality is, no one wants to be single, but then no one wants to be unhappy either. Sometimes you need to be single just to find out who you are, but then there are the lonely times when you just wish you had someone to share your happy times with, and it makes those times not as happy as they could have been. There is a fine balance between having the love you've always wanted and having your own space to be you, and there really is a small percentage of couples who master the balance and find eternally happiness forever.

So as our eternally single friend finds her happiness and has her chance to share her life with someone who loves her, we wish her the very best, that the love she has with her man is something that lasts a life time and she gets the joy in her marriage that we all desire.

An Insight to Sex in 1894 and 21st Century similarities

Last night, as the boys and I waited for our movie to start, we browsed in the local bookstore and I found this gem! It was a book written by the wife of a Reverend, Ruth Smythers, called 'Sex Tips for Husbands & Wives' from 1894. I will put some direct quotes in here, as the language is just hilariously pompous, obviously written as a guide for young brides to understand that sex is only for procreation and anything else is not allowed.

In some ways, there are many attributes to our married sex lives that still exist, in other ways, it's a little scary how male dominated 'the urges' were. However, you do have to realise that it is written by a Reverend's wife, a person who by her pure Faith in God and Jesus, would never have sex unless it was to pro-create.

The book first starts out talking about the wedding day, how it can be "both the happiest and the most terrifying day" of a young bride's life. Happy because she has secured herself a husband who will look after her for the rest of her life, terrifying, as she has to face "for the first time the terrible experience of sex."

She states that there is one cardinal rule in marriage: "Give little, give seldom and above all, give grudgingly."As if it was anything else, it would become an "orgy of sexual lust."

Smythers then suggests that "sex is at best revolting and at worst rather painful... it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it."

She then explains the slow process of expectations of sex. That once married, a husband will expect to have sex everyday but you should only, at best, allow a 'brief session' no more than twice a week for the first few months of wedded life. Then, a wife's best friend are faked illnesses, such as a headache, illness and sleepiness. But even better, is to start an argument about an hour before your husband's nightly urges take place! By the end of the first year, you shouldn't be having sex more than once a week, by the end of five years once a month, and your procreating should be finished within the first ten years of your marriage, so your ultimate goal should be terminating all sexual intercourse by your tenth anniversary. "By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband at home." WOW! So is Mrs Smythers suggesting that women blackmail their husbands to stay within their marriage to provide for them by giving them children and holding everything that makes them feel good about themselves against them by destroying their social reputation if for a minute they think outside their marriage? Not much has changed sadly, has it?

She talked about other 'revolting practices' including the 'mouthing of the female body,' ensuring that your husband never saw you unclothed and to wear heavy nightgowns to bed to ensure it was hard to create the sexual act, if you have to have sex make sure it's in total darkness, and if he does try to initiate the act, she should quickly spring out of bed and announce that she needs to go to the bathroom. She even suggests that a husband will try to seduce a wife by talking amorously and that a wife should tell him that he doesn't need to persuade her with the talk, and just to get on with it, as not to prolong the event.

She suggests that the wife must be silent through the act, or babble about housework while he is "huffing and puffing away." And that she should lie perfectly still and never "grunt or groan while the act is in progress."

Smythers then suggests that after the act, the wife must point out a few tasks that she expects him to do in the morning. Blackmail again!! Was marriage a game even back then? There doesn't seem to be any mutuality, does there?

As a religious wife, the book ends to suggest that a wife should be thankful that the husband's home, school, church and community have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt regarding his sexual urges... so that he comes home apologetically and filled with shame for any of his sexual thoughts.  And the scary thing is, in many religious homes in the 21st century, wives are still doing this today. Making their husbands half the man they want to be by suppressing their sexual urges, telling them that they aren't good enough, prancing around showing them what they can't have and keeping their husbands by their sides as some type of social power trip. It really is a disgrace. And men just aren't strong enough to see that this is happening to them, and can't find a way out. You understand now why so many men have affairs to try and feel human again...

I'm sorry, but I just agree with the power trip within a relationship. A relationship is about equality, love, passion and a desire to be together, intimately, as companions and with mutual respect. If in Victorian times in a religious setting, marriage is treated as a game between two people of which the wife 'won' someone to provide for her for the rest of her life while belittling her husband, hoping that he would be just happy with offspring, to have social acceptance and to work hard, while she laps it up, I'm sorry, but marriage is an injustice and it saddens me to no end seeing how many men feel so 'stuck' in their marriage.

"Sex Tips for Husbands and Wives from 1894" by Ruth Smythers, first published in 1894, reproduced in 2008 by Summersdale Publishers Ptd, UK.

Your One and Only True Love...

It's amazing how you know when you find your perfect man (or woman) and know in your heart that you will never have anyone else in your life who will make you feel the way that person made you feel. The way they instinctively know when something is wrong, when they do something spontaneously fun or romantic for you just to make your day brighter, or hold onto you in a way that's a perfect fit. You somehow have an intuitive instinct about anything good or bad that's going on with them and you would do anything to help them through it. It's a love that is so profound, so unbreakable that you simply will do anything to be with them or for them.

But what happens when your true love is taken away from you before you're ready? An accident, a medical condition, an unsolved murder? Do you live your life wishing they would come back and look after you even when you know they can't? Do you look in all types of places just to find a replacement who can be just as perfect as your true love? Or do you know that you've had the best of the best and you will remain the rest of your life as a single, independent person, not wanting anyone else to get close to you?

It's hard.. and it's hard not letting people get close to you even when they want to. You know that no matter what, any new person would never live up to the love and life you had with your true love. You would almost always feel like you are betraying your true love by being with someone else intimately. It feels impossible because the only way you envisaged your life together is if you died in each others arms at the same time...

And it happens... couples just can't cope without being with each other. My uncle's in-laws died within 10 days of each other completely unexpectedly, a friend's parents died 16 weeks apart recently, and there are many homes I go into and it is said that the parents died within the same year. A true love, no matter how turbulent times can be due to poverty, sickness, work concerns or family concerns, will do absolutely anything for each other to maintain a sense of warmth and happiness within each other at ALL times. Anything else, is far from the essence of what 'true love' means.

So when your true love is gone, you do everything to keep your mind off ever having another love. You look after your children, you volunteer your time to any charity possible, you travel and experience the world, you consume yourself in work, you do everything to ensure you don't have any down time, because you know if you have down time, all you do is think about your true love, wish you could be holding your true love, feeling their touch and crying in silence wanting them back.

You know in your heart if your 'true love' is with you or not... spiritually, emotionally or physically. And when you have it, hold onto it forever... as forever is worth holding onto...

My Two Boys

I know I'm allowed to be biased, but I have the two best sons in the world!

They help me around the house without me needing to nag them (most the time!), like emptying the dishwasher, drying the dishes, putting the rubbish outside, vacuuming, wiping the tables, making their beds and cleaning up their toys. Even if they are in the middle of watching their favourite TV program, they realise that they forgot to do some of their chores, and quickly get it done before I realise! Not that they think I'm an ogre, they just know that we are a team, and all team members help out.

Each night, we have some wind down time, and they compete a little to see who can have 'more' of me to cuddle. I sit in the middle of the couch, and they sit either side, or lie down over the top of me, put their heads on my lap or their feet on my lap, just happy knowing I'm there. We laugh, we hug each other, we tickle each other and we have fun. Sometimes the competing can get a little overwhelming when one wants to take over my lap, while the other one already has his head on it, so I have to divide my body in half and show the boundaries of who gets what... one gets my left side, the other my right.

My boys are full of joy! When we do things together, their little voices are so appreciative of being able to enjoy life. It could be anything from choosing which take-out food we are getting for the night, to choosing which movie we go to, putting their favourite song on the iPod or even a simple walk down the street to enjoy the fresh air. Their little voices say 'Thank You Mum!' or "You're the Best Mum Ever!' and I get the best smiles and the most appreciative hugs from them. And they don't care that they are 11 and 9 years old, as some kids at that age think that hugging their mum is a little wrong. They won't kiss me, and I'm OK with that, but they love giving hugs.

They always surprise me... On Monday, it was the first day back at school, and they are usually awake before me. When I woke up, they had already dressed themselves for school, had breakfast, made their lunches (which they never do!), made their beds, cleaned up their playroom and emptied the dishwasher, not to mention brushed their teeth and had their bags packed! I said "Who are you and what have you done with my boys?" They smiled, and were very proud of their achievements, wanting to know what else they could do.

I hear of stories that they look after each other in the playground at school, and sometimes even share the same friends. They do everything together - play with their Bey Blades, play Wii or games on their iPads, they ride on they scooters together, play hockey, sit and draw together and even create concoctions in the kitchen! Even though they do sometimes get annoyed with each other, they do show a deep respect for each other and cherish that they have each other.

I'm not saying my boys don't have problems... as they do. My little one has learning disabilities (and I'm allowed to call them 'disabilities' now, not 'differences' as his learning tests are on the bottom rung) :( And my oldest boy can be annoyingly happy, and sometimes I worry that he's covering up something that he's not voicing (like comedians do... you know how sometimes they enjoy making other people laugh, but they have a sad existence themselves). And they know that I work really hard and can be overwhelmingly tired, so they understand when not to ask for too much. They are seeing a counsellor to deal with issues with their father and the concept of family, and since they have been doing it, it's like a weight has lifted off their shoulders. They know that we, as a threesome, need to stick together and always be there for each other, as no one else will be... no one else cares for us as we care for each other. And that's all that matters.

I love my two boys and will do anything for them to make them the best boys they can be. I've already been told that their maturity level in handling things at school supersedes that of most their peers, and they do ask the deepest questions and are willing to learn about life. I think that because I have always told them that I will be honest with them, about anything - sex, friends, family, how a car works, what a word means, the right decorum, why people act a certain way, the generation gap, etc.. they respect everything that I do for them and don't push any boundaries.

I know that time will come where other influences will dominate their thoughts - girls, work, friends, etc... but I truly hope that they understand that I do give them more freedom than many other parents, that boundaries are set for their safety, and that respect is a two way street... if they respect the boundaries I put on them, the boundaries will be lessened sooner in time.

But at the moment, they are the two most beautiful boys I could ask for... I hope it lasts a lifetime!

Day Trip to the Hills

As daylight savings set in, and everyone else was still asleep, I bunked my boys into the car for a day out in the hills. It was going to be a day without technology (for them anyway!), getting some fresh air and exercise, and possibly a little bit of a step back in time.

We set the GPS to Mt Donna Buang Summit Road and allowed it to guide us there. Usually when I have the GPS going, and I have a round-about idea of where I'm going, I veer off the course of the GPS and do what I think is the shorter course.... but this time, I just did what it told me, except for one accidental wrong turn that led me down a walking track instead of a road, and I had to do a twenty-point turn between two ditches to get us out of there!

We eventually found the summit road, with no one in sight, except for a brave group of cyclists trudging their way up the hill. About half way up, and the cloud was whispering through the trees making the rainforest foliage look both mystical and eerie in the dull morning light. I put my fog lights on for the first time since I had bought my car, and discovered that they really didn't do much except make me more seen to other cars. The cloud became denser, the visibility almost to white, as we slowed to 20km/h with only the white line on the road to guide us through the cloud. The temperature went from 8 degrees Celsius at the bottom of the hill, to 1 degree Celsius at the summit. A summit that was a ghost town of ski-lifts and signs pointing to toboggan runs.

The Summit Car Park

As we decided that it wasn't the most inviting place to stop for a bite to eat, we made our way back down the windy road and found a Rainforest Gallery. A layered ancient arrangement of ferns, moss, towering gums and other natives dating back hundreds of year on the edge of 'Cement Creek'... unlike it's name, it was a beautiful rushing flow of water cascading through the undergrowth of the rainforest.

We stopped here for a fruit break before heading back to the car and finding our next walking trail less than a kilometre from the rainforest... on the edge of Warburton township. There was a car park next to a school with a River Walking trail next to it. We looked at the map, saw that it had a few picnic spots along the way and decided on our journey... from the car, along the river, to the shops for afternoon tea. 

The river walk was pretty from start to finish. The Yarra River was rushing like rapids in the water and there were plenty of attractions along the way, and again, not many travellers to pass by... it was nice just being the three of us. First we met a blue heeler who had a stick that was twice the size of him wanting us to play with him, but wouldn't let go of his stick. Then we found a Californian Redwood forest, that was planted in 1922, including twin trees joint at the base.

(sorry the river doesn't look like rapids here!)

After we passed the redwoods, we came across a suspension bridge that was fun to swing on! And the ducks loved it too!

We soon found our picnic spot and stopped for our ham rolls, cut fruit, cabana & little gingerbread men, and the boys used their imagination with all that they saw... there was a tree stump that looked like a pirate face, a tire tube that really wasn't an ideal rescue tool if someone got swept away in the river, and some great walking sticks to be made out of fallen branches. 

The tire... and a little more evidence that the River was almost in rapid form!

We eventually came to the township and wandered through the shops... the bric a brac shop, the antique shops, the junkie $2 shop, even found a handmade soap shop, a furniture shop where the sales assistant tried to get us to come back in two weekend's time to participate in a Conversation with Chairs (instead of giving me one brochure on it, she gave me three... must have been a slow day!). We even went into the mystical eastern shop with all it's hippy clothes and wares, and walking out buying a pan flute and a hard-covered box that looks like a first edition of 'Alice in Wonderland' which I'd been looking for as a box to keep our remote controls in on the coffee table (it wasn't the Alice in Wonderland I was look for, but the style of box). We walked up and down the street trying to find a nice, country style cafe to have a devonshire tea in, and of course, the boys walked into the 'Rainbow Ice-Cream Shop' instead... but then decided that they didn't want it.

We ended up at the tea shop... a place that makes 200 different types of tea, as well as hot chocolates using Lindt chocolate - YUM! As we sat waiting for our scones to be made, we found some magazines dating back to 1954, and proceeded to read them! Hilarious read... apparently smoking affects your libido!

So after we had happy tummies, we walked back along the river, and my boys, after all the moans and groans of getting them up early and going on a long drive, they were happy and thankful that we had a lovely day, with even a request for more adventures!

The three of us - trying not to break into laughter to take the pic!

Feminism and Men

Why is there a growing concern in women that there aren't any solid, responsible, compassionate men out there anymore? Are we asking too much from them? Are men scared of what is required from them? What happened to the man who would provide for his wife and family, do all the manly things around the house like take out the rubbish, mow the lawns, tend to all the handy-man duties, the man who would be the soccer coach or take the kids out for a bike ride on a Sunday morning so you could have a sleep in? Or the man who takes the kids fishing or camping for the weekend, to see a football game or teach the kids about the way a car works? Where is that man?

Ok, so some men still do some of those things, but it is very rare to find a man who does all of those things. So I have a theory...

I believe men are confused. Since the 1960s and 1970s when feminism took a stance on equality, men found it difficult to know what their roles are. As their mothers became role models for doing everything - working, house work, helping children with their homework, mowing lawns and gardening, being able to change a lightbulb, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, etc they could see that there wasn't much else to do, but enjoy the fact that they were being 'looked after.' Their mothers were too busy doing everything to tell their sons to get off their bums and actually do something, because the nagging used more energy than them actually doing it themselves. So men became complacent. They got used to being looked after and having a fall back if things went wrong. And while their mothers were doing everything, they saw little of their fathers, as they too worked long hours, but they started spending weekends playing golf, evenings at the pub with their mates and enjoying that they had all this free time.

More and more, I hear of stories of men who grew up in this sort of life and are now attracted to strong capable women who can literally look after them, like their mother did. They abuse the concept of a marriage or partnership having any equality to it, don't look for work or have the ambition to work in any high salary job... even if it is truck driving, a trade like plumbing, electrical, carpentry, etc, or even in the mines just to make life easier for their wife and family. They live for their dream, usually something creative or something that they have no idea what it is, but it has something to do with being rich and exuberant, but they don't live in the present and try to have some reason to be in the family.

But you also hear of the stories, that when all else fails in their life, they go back to live with Mum until they can get back on their feet... even at the ages of 36, 45 and 54! They have no sense of personal pride... they would rather go live with Mum than sleep in a boarding house for a few weeks to show that they can be independent and be a man. A man who can be personally responsible for themselves.

And what makes it hard, is that there is hundreds of thousands of women out there, hoping to find that one man who will love her, provide for her, be the shoulder to cry on, be a wonderful lover, be the perfect father for their future kids and just be willing to help whenever the need arises without the nagging that women are so renowned for. But there aren't many available ones out there... and it is impossible to detect who they are until you engage in a life together and discover the truth behind their words and actions.

So what do us women do? We continue to be the strong, capable and responsible women that we are, who don't need to have a man in our lives to complete us. But we know, that one day, when the time is right, the right one will come along, and truly sweep us off our feet.

The Custody Battle

It was so sad to see the four Australian sisters, aged between 15 and 9 years old, torn away from their mother and country to live with their father in Italy. The mother had gone to Italy to bring them to Australia for a 4 week holiday in 2010, and never sent them back, so essentially she kidnapped her daughters. The girls went into hiding in May 2012 after they didn't comply to a court order to return to Italy in 2011, and since, there has been a bitter dispute in the Federal Court if they should be sent back to their father or not. It is all very complicated, but if you believe in the Hague Convention, then the mother did wrong. She could have gone about it a different way, rather than kidnapping, even though her daughters prefer to be with her rather than their father in Italy. It's unfair on the girls to have been put in that position.

But it got me thinking, there must be so many incidences that one parent has 100% custody over their children due to distance, financial inability or just not wanting to be a part of their children's lives anymore (or even the fact that a woman never told a man that she was having his baby). I guess, the story about the four Australian girls isn't about parents who don't want to have their kids in their lives, it's the opposite. I know from the many people's paths I've come across, their children's father lives in a completely different country, different state or the other side of town, and it makes it impossible to have regular visits. But those fathers generally make some type of contact with their kids, either by phone, Skype or email, just to let them know that they are there. And many people who do divorce find that starting a new life somewhere else makes life easier to cope if they don't have the regular contact with their ex, and the children don't see the constant fighting over the little things - like paying for school camps, being there at a school concert, helping out with homework, etc.

So if this is the case, why do the courts insist that the best environment for the children is if the parents have 50/50 custody and joint responsibility for the children? How can that be? Have the court psychologists and politicians who create these laws ever been a fly on the wall in a divorce or through joint efforts in raising children separately? Do they really understand the psychological impact that happens to their children when they still see the fighting going on, and this time it's about the kids, it's not about their personal differences when they were married, so how do your think that makes the kids feel when the two people they love don't agree with what's best for them? It really isn't the ideal environment.

In saying that, I do have a couple of friends who have relatively amicable relationships with their ex-husbands. Some try to get their husbands to spend more time with their kids because they have moved on to a new life with a new partner, while others go to the point of inviting each other to share birthdays and Christmases with their kids together. I guess that's the ideal relationship the courts want all families to have... but the courts don't live in the real world. They don't understand that one parent wants the best for their children, and the other parent wants the best for themselves.

The sad part of the Italy/Australian story, is that the two elder girls were kicking and screaming so much on the plane before it departed tonight, that they were taken off the plane because they were upsetting other passengers. They have been ordered to be on a plane tomorrow night at 8pm. So now the little ones are by themselves, accompanying by the Australian Federal Police. Such a traumatic experience for them... and I know from my own boys, that they are more mature in their thought processes because of our divorce, and they know that they have to be there for each other in good times and bad. And they do... You'd just think that the older girls, no matter how upsetting the situation was, that they would have the maturity to look after their younger sisters and make sure that they weren't alone. Maybe that's a sign that there is no family bond at all. I had some friends post on Facebook today that if we give it time, in a few months there will be a 60 Minutes episode interviewing the family to see how they've settled back into Italy, and see that they are all happy... but I don't see it... I see the older girls rebelling against their father, and possibly going missing for days on end because the system they wanted to believe in has let them down, and they don't know what to believe in anymore.

This is an extreme case, but the custody battles many have to go through are just as heart-breaking, especially when you know, not a Court, what's best for your children.

When do you know it's over?

Some people instantly know when a relationship is over, others hold on hoping that they will get one more chance. Some hold on for a month or two, others 6 months, a few even feel that there is always hope. I guess it all depends on how much the person loves the other person, or depends on the other person. And that's the big difference upon whether the other person comes back or not.

When you love someone, no matter how hard the times have been between you, or the lack of possibilities to actually be together, and if the reasons for being apart are more practical than the love you have for your mate, you only think and feel loving thoughts for that person. You want the best for them, you worry about them, you only think of the good times you had with that person, and not the bad. You don't have vengeful thoughts, you communicate when you can with loving words and hope that one day, you will either be able to be fulfilled with the love of that person again in your everyday life, or that you find someone who supersedes the love you have for that person. You respect their wishes for parting ways, but let them know that you will always be there for them, as you cherished the time that you had with your beau. You can get on with your life without that person, even though you know your life would be more fulfilled with that person in your everyday life. You always have a place in your heart for them. Your intuition tells you that your time with that person may not be over, and you know that you may have to wait 5, 10 or even 20 years, but whenever you reunite again, you will with love and compassion. I had that with my first boyfriend... we were together at the age of 14 and 15 for 3 months, and we broke up for practical reasons (too much school work, living too far away from each other, etc), but we met up again 3 years later for a chat, then again 6 years after that, and then 12 years after that... and now we communicate regularly via email and Skype as platonic friends, but we have always had a soft spot for each other.

However, if you are dependent on a person that you declare you love, you get defensive, vengeful, start calling that person every unmentionable under the sun, threaten their existence, do absolutely every single thing to destroy their lives because they have destroyed yours. Some people go to the point of doing illegal things and require a restraining order, others turn to alcohol and drug abuse and violence to both strangers and to those that they are dependent on, because they feel that the hurt will only go away if that can physically rid themselves of their anger. The dependent love, is not really a love at all... it's a narcissistic need to be a part of something, retain the life that they got used to and get out of the life they don't want to be in. They hold onto their dependent love in the hope they can get the life that they enjoyed back to where they were comfortable, even though when they were in that life, they showed no appreciation, no responsibility or no real love for the people or person that they supposedly loved.

I heard an interesting story the other day about a man who's mother left his father because he didn't fulfil her needs financially, sexually, emotionally and had an anger that was quite scary. His father couldn't cope that his mother told him to just 'go away.' He completely disappeared and left his children behind with no contact and no money because he couldn't cope with the loss. About 10 years later, the father decided to contact his kids as adults and apologise for his disappearance, hoping that he could rekindle his relationship with his kids and that he maybe able to swindle his way back into the life of his ex-wife. But the conversations always revolved about how he blamed his ex-wife for how horrible his life was now and how he wanted life to be back to the way he was used to. Twenty five years after they split, he was still going on about it, and he literally wasn't coping, so he ended up committing suicide. A few years after his suicide, his son's wife did the same to him. He didn't want history to repeat itself, but in some ways, he was doing exactly the same thing as what his father did... he didn't contact his kids, he didn't give them any money until he was forced to and he never sent them a present for their birthdays, and he only wanted to see them when he felt he was 'acceptable' in his children's eyes for him to be seen - that is, he would only see them if he had some money to spend on them or take them somewhere, because he was ashamed of where he was living and didn't want his children to see it. He started to have online relationships with other women, always complaining to them about how his ex-wife did the wrong thing by him, how much he loved his kids, but the women thought it was weird that he never showed photos of his kids, had them over when they were talking to him or did anything to show them how much he loved them. One of these women asked him, when did you think your marriage was really over? And he said, when the property settlement was over, that's when he was completely crushed. It wasn't when his wife told him where to go, it wasn't when she filed for divorce, it wasn't when he had a chance to contend the divorce in court and it wasn't when he forcibly tried to ruin his children's lives by taking every single little cent from his ex-wife for leaving him. No... it was when they had no financial attachment anymore.

I do think men and women react differently when their significant other choose to leave a relationship. Most women subconsciously can see all the signs that their relationship isn't working for them, they create opportunities for their men to do the right thing by them, but their men don't listen, they don't see the signs and they certainly don't make any effort to make their marriage a happier place to be. Men would prefer to be unhappy but attached, or having a play toy (an affair) and being attached rather than creating a permanent end to a relationship. It's like losing their Mummy. In Australia, 65% of all marriages ended were initiated by women, 30% of all marriages ended were a joint decision and 5% of all marriages ended were initiated by men. It just shows how much courage men don't have to get out of something that they aren't happy in, and it's usually the women who know that they will be financially worse off if they leave, but they would prefer to be happy than worry about how they will survive.

You have to be in the relationship to really know if there is a chance to rekindle or not. I guess it all comes down to your thoughts... if you can only think of the happy times you had with that person, then there is a chance that you may get back together or at least have a platonic relationship, but if you can only think of all the fighting, struggles, hurt and abuse, then you welcome the knowledge that you never want to be subjected to that relationship again.

To Have Compassion or Not Have Compassion

.... that is the question.

I find those who have lived a relatively trouble free life, where they haven't had any major run ins with the law, never had to deal with a significant death in their lives where they feel hopeless without that person being there for them, or deal with the on-going civil battles of divorce or domestic violence, never had their freedom taken off them, or been traumatised by a natural disaster, never had death knocking on their door with a serious illness, or the trauma of a car accident,  these people rarely have the compassion for those who reach out for help.

OK... so it might be a generalisation, but I've been noticing a small group of people who announce that they literally don't want to know your problems, sagas or woes... they want to rid negativity out of their lives, so anyone who mentions that they are depressed, suicidal, destitute or struggling in their lives in any way, they are not the people who want to know.

And it's sad, because human emotions, human tragedy and human desire are all the things that bring love into this world. It's the compassion people have for those less fortunate that makes this world a better place. And I will admit and now am very ashamed to say, that it wasn't that long ago, that I too used to think that if there was an earthquake in the middle of India that killed tens of thousands of people, I used to say that it was God's way of de-populating the world, or it was those people living in that area who had a choice to move away from their over-populated slums and find a better place to call home, but they didn't, so it was their fault that they died... but since I've travelled and seen what the world has to offer, spent time in third world villages, poor first world towns, and seen how they survive with what they have, sometimes you just wish you could join them in their simplicity and their family love because what they have is so beautiful.

My growth of realising my stupid thoughts has come through many life changing events. Seeing the good from giving to those who need - and giving could be giving money, giving time, giving an ear who listens or just giving a shoulder to cry, but also by not being blinkered by what's going on behind closed doors, and seeing despair in people's faces, seeing unwarranted bravery within their face or simply that they are frightened... But also seeing how much giving can be appreciated by those who are desperately in need. When living in St Kilda, we saw the sadness of the homeless going to the shelter for food every day, the smile of a beggar when you gave him a warm drink on a cold day, the spirit of the charity workers and how their warmth made the days of those less fortunate more bearable, something to look forward to. And yes, they are all strangers, but they all have hearts, they all feel hurt and they all need love. And if the smallest amount of compassion can come from inside your heart, in the shape of a knowing smile, a token coin, a warm blanket or an ear to listen to their stories, then you have touched someone's life.

And that's what I find is the best thing about just being there for other people, is their amazing stories. If you listen to the tales of their lives, find out how they come to be in the position that they are in, if its material wealth, homeless poverty, the village life or just a regular life, their lives are all intriguing. They all have a unique story to tell, and most even know how to laugh at themselves through their hard times. But you would never know, unless you showed some compassion to their cause, allowed them to open up to you and be a welcoming ear.

We do tend to judge the world upon our own standards... expecting that the rest of the world wants to live the same life as our own, or aim to be better by having more materialistic things, having more powerful jobs or having more choice by making more money. But most of that really doesn't matter, unless you have someone to love, and people around you who care. So I'm all for listening to people's happy stories, sad stories, complicated stories, tragic stories and stories that feel stuck because people find they have no meaning in their lives.

So to say that you only want to have a life that's filled with people with positive thoughts, materialistic goals and not show any care for those less fortunate or going through a personal crisis, to me, it's pure ignorance... we need balance in our lives, and balance comes from understanding ourselves and others, and not pigeon holing a small group of 'others' into the 'I'm not speaking to that person because they have issues' box. But when the ignorant do go through their own personal crisis or find themselves in a poverty stricken hole of debt that they just can't get out of, where will the compassionate, caring people who they left behind be... not by their side, will they?

It all goes back to the proverb, 'do to others as you'd want done to yourself.' Compassion is what makes this world go round, not ignorance...