With all the hardships I've gone through over the past 12-18 months and all the things I've been able to rise and shine above, I guess it's a cathartic process, a much needed process just to define the things that I love.
First and foremost, are my boys.
They are great friends who have a love/hate relationship (as all siblings do), especially now that they are confined to a shared bedroom and no space for themselves. I'm am truly blessed with their compassion and love, their silliness and fun, but most of all, that they are there for me.
I love to write... there is no doubt. It feeds my soul, it makes me feel I have a voice, it inspires me to try new things and embrace the world. It's an outlet for my happiness, my sorrow, my confusion, my humour and my understanding of the world.
I do love my family... but that too has its moments of love/hate. I do find that I am constricted to their expectations, their values and desires, and what I want from my family they aren't prepared to give. No doubt, over the last couple of weeks, they have been more than supportive, the way I wished and hoped they would have been while I was going through the torturous demise of my marriage ending. But the rules change when you lose your sense of power over your own life and give it back to them, just for the interim. Even though I need them the most I've ever needed them right now, I still also value my freedom.
I love a man who can't give me everything I need from him. He's the only person who literally lifts my spirits each time I communicate with him, he's the only person who actually accepts me for me and doesn't try to change me or have other expectations for me. He nurtures me, guides me, teaches me and makes me feel loved, if only in the time we interact.
I love to travel... it's what makes me feel human, makes me feel at my happiest. It makes me look outside of my world into the homes and hearts of others and appreciate the smaller things in life that make such a difference to others. At the moment, as I've been denied from authorities to travel to one of the countries that I feel most inspired in, it really has crushed my soul. However, I am looking into new ways of being able to fulfil my dream.
I love provincial style homes - homes with antiques, with distressed furniture, homes that look lived in, not a display home for cleanliness. Homes where you can flop on a couch, put your feet up on the coffee table, smell the aroma of home baked goods, a wide verandah to sit on and enjoy a wine with friends or indulge in a book and enjoy a different view of the cottage gardens, the hills beyond or the ocean nearby from inside. I love the rambling look of a home, a roasting fireplace for winter, and a lush meandering garden in summer.
I love the water... if it's a bath, a swim in the sea, snorkelling in tropical waters, a soothing pond or even a cool drink of H2O. Water is peaceful, enlightening, cooling, calming...
I love to read - it's an escape into other people's lives, the world that we live in and an observation into the choices we make.
I love music - another escape that defines our emotions, it pinpoints our memories from when you first heard a song and it's something that allows you to connect with another through romantically, emotionally and physically.
I love my friends... I have a handful of friends who have entered my life over the last couple of years who I would be lost without. I have friends from my high school days who are always there in the background and I cherish so deeply. These are the people who understand me most, give me grief when I'm not thinking straight, but are always there for a chat, a hug, a laugh or a shoulder to cry on when I need them.
But most of all... I love me. I have to. No one will love me as much as I do. I need to understand it more. Make choices about what's most important to me, what's going to be beneficial to me, what's going to make me better as a person and as a writer and understand my boundaries more. I know I need to release the pressure I put myself under and I know I am my worst enemy. But we all are... I blame myself too much for the situations I put myself in and forget that they are life lessons that need to be experienced for me to grow.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've put a lot of heart and soul into thinking about what is most important to me... and I am going to do my very best to make it happen. If I don't, I know there will be regret. And I can't live a day in my life where I regret not doing something that wants to blossom inside me.
For all my loyal readers, make a list of all the things in your life that you love and make you complete. It makes you feel real again...
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