Sorry I haven't written in a while… life has been a busy with sending out submissions to literary agents for my book, working the day job, getting my lake house ready for winter, and just throw in some school holidays to make it extra busier!
So I finally have a week of catching up… you know… catching up on all those things that need to get done, but are put on the way-side. Today I did the biennial pap smear, doctor breast check and mole check… and even though I'd only thought about it for a few days, I took the plunge and had a couple of skin tags removed from around my neck.
I know that might sound disgusting, weird why I should discuss it here… but the front one had a little bit of sentimentality to it, but it was time to let it go. The reason behind the sentimentality, is that my youngest son used to squeeze it when he was a baby, trying to sleep, or breastfeeding, like he knew it was me with him and he was safe. My ex lover, who was a doctor, I believe sought perfection in me and tried to convince me to allow him to cut it off, but it was a little reminder of my little one gaining comfort in me… it was like my bond between me and my son. So I wouldn't let him as it was like he was breaking that bond.
But in hindsight, I should have let him. It wasn't the prettiest of things, yet from a distance it just looked like a black beauty spot on my neck, until you looked close enough to see it was three-dimensional. I just wasn't ready to let my 'baby' go. My baby is 10 now, 11 in August… so as I went to the doctor - the doctor who has known me for 28 years, I felt it was time to go ahead and snip it, as well as its friend on my neck behind my ear, off.
But it made me think of what other physical or emotional ties I have that need to be letting go. I have a dear friend who's birthday is this week, but we had a falling out about 6 months ago. I bought her a card, and was going to write a letter to explain the hurt that she created leading up to and throughout the event, but I thought it would be unfair and possibly immature to send her hurtful things on her birthday. But then, is not sending anything at all, hurtful? Yet she didn't make an effort for my last birthday, my 40th… But thinking about it all, is just as hurtful, so it's best if I just let it go… and just enjoy the life I'm currently having, and let the past be in the past.
And that's what we all have to do… I know I'm the worst for holding grudges, letting things build up to some type of nuclear explosion, and having falling outs with friends because I'm overly emotional and no one ever seems to understand my point of view. It's only been since I've divorced that I've actually stood up for myself and spoke my peace, which I think has made a few people stand back, because it's been unexpected from me… "Suzy is the 'quiet, reserved, complacent, accepting all situations for what they are' one, she wouldn't make a fuss about something so trivial." But for all the people who have told me over the years that I'm being silly, being precious, being naive and being weak, the hurt is real, it's part of me, and the one's who dismiss it lack all types of compassion, love or support in who I am, therefore don't need to be in my life.
So with my missing pieces off my neck, and a realisation that I only need those who support my feelings, family and happiness around, the letting go process has brought closure to the thoughts of doing the right thing by others to fight black and blue for their love and compassion, because in reality, they only had their selfishness needs in sight, and nothing else.
The great thing about letting go of things is that it makes room for new and exciting things to enter your life. And it's time for me to do that… maybe in the next few months I may forge a new career, have a new love, or make plans to start a new life… but I can't do any of it, unless there is complete letting go of the past...
Monday, 5 May 2014
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
The Generation Gap
It saddens me to no end, to see people fifteen + years older than me, who are afraid to get themselves out of a relationship or circumstances that no longer serves them. They may be miserable, they may be dictated to, they may be afraid of the consequences - violence, shame, losing children's love and respect, or may be their interests have completely changed and are no longer compatible. To me, if you feel sadness, feel restricted or feel violated in that relationship constantly, then it's time to get OUT!
Yes, there is merit in staying with someone who maybe sick and you are their carer, or you're working towards a goal that you need to deal with the hardships first before you realise that goal (as long as that goal is that you enjoy your grandkids together/grow old together for the sake of the 'vows'), but there really isn't any other reason to make yourself miserable, stuck and feeling out of your depth if you're not happy. As the only commitment in life you should ever have, is the commitment to yourself - to make sure there is happiness in your life.
I was talking to a girlfriend yesterday about the older generation and how they just don't understand why we would talk back to a spouse, or why we don't sweep things under the carpet and it be forgotten, why we ask so many questions to get to the depths of the truth and why we have courage to be our own person, not a puppet to our spouse or generation. I've had conversations with people 15-40 years older than me (I guess you call it the 'Baby Boomer generation') stating that it wasn't their fault that I got divorced and that they shouldn't have to be my backup spouse/parent (physically or emotionally), or, that they refuse to leave their spouse because they are worried that their adult children will take their spouse's side and they will lose them forever, or they just 'don't like change' and you'll never change the way they think.
The saddest thing of all, is that these people are so set in their ways, that they are afraid to open their hearts to a whole new world that can give them vitality and re-think who they are and what they are missing. The best example of this, is this video I saw on Facebook this week, about two 70 year old ladies - one who's husband loved to travel, yet she was too scared to fly on a plane, and the other who's husband wanted to stay home and she wanted to see the world but sacrificed her own life to be 'committed' to his needs… until one day, they both went on a plane together. It's absolute gold, showing you that it's never to old to change. These two women made me realise that my adventurous spirit doesn't have an expiry date, and everyday can be filled with love and laughter IF you value yourself, get out of your comfort zone and realise your dreams.
http://sploid.gizmodo.com/watching-two-old-women-fly-for-the-first-time-is-pure-g-1562267586/+jesusdiaz
And I think that's the biggest part, being able to value yourself. Some people put a monetary value on themselves 'I'm worth $ this much money.' Others value themselves by the amount of family they have around them 'I have 3 daughters, 2 sons, 16 grand-children and 4 great-grandchildren', where as the new generations of 30 and 40 somethings are learning quickly that it doesn't need to be a number, it's all about quality - quality of 'people' in your life that make you happy, laugh, be yourself, support you and allow you to extend yourself; the quality in 'time' you put into reaching your goals, being the best parent, friend and even person to yourself; the quality of 'emotional and spiritual being' you are allowing yourself to be (again, another awesome ad... http://www.bestadsontv.com/ad/61567/Thai-Life-Insurance-Unsung-Hero ), and the quality of experiences you give yourself to create a lifetime of memories - from walking the dog on a cool foggy morning and loving the coolness on your skin, to taking your kids to the last movie of the night and finding yourself in an empty cinema just for you, to kissing your beloved at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Life is about living… and some Baby Boomers just don't get that… They were dictated to by the government to save for their retirement, and work work work, sacrificing building relationships with their kids, sacrificing quality time for themselves, sacrificing speaking out to someone when they are alive rather than bottling up the hurt and airing it out when they are dead; sacrificing goals that were desired but were hard to be realised based on the social structure of what was expected from them. There were some who fell through the loop and made a stance against conformity, and they are the courageous ones - the ones who believed in themselves more than their circumstances.
It doesn't matter how old you are or how scared you are, there is always time for change. Change for the positive, and a chance to bring eternal happiness to your life.
Yes, there is merit in staying with someone who maybe sick and you are their carer, or you're working towards a goal that you need to deal with the hardships first before you realise that goal (as long as that goal is that you enjoy your grandkids together/grow old together for the sake of the 'vows'), but there really isn't any other reason to make yourself miserable, stuck and feeling out of your depth if you're not happy. As the only commitment in life you should ever have, is the commitment to yourself - to make sure there is happiness in your life.
I was talking to a girlfriend yesterday about the older generation and how they just don't understand why we would talk back to a spouse, or why we don't sweep things under the carpet and it be forgotten, why we ask so many questions to get to the depths of the truth and why we have courage to be our own person, not a puppet to our spouse or generation. I've had conversations with people 15-40 years older than me (I guess you call it the 'Baby Boomer generation') stating that it wasn't their fault that I got divorced and that they shouldn't have to be my backup spouse/parent (physically or emotionally), or, that they refuse to leave their spouse because they are worried that their adult children will take their spouse's side and they will lose them forever, or they just 'don't like change' and you'll never change the way they think.
The saddest thing of all, is that these people are so set in their ways, that they are afraid to open their hearts to a whole new world that can give them vitality and re-think who they are and what they are missing. The best example of this, is this video I saw on Facebook this week, about two 70 year old ladies - one who's husband loved to travel, yet she was too scared to fly on a plane, and the other who's husband wanted to stay home and she wanted to see the world but sacrificed her own life to be 'committed' to his needs… until one day, they both went on a plane together. It's absolute gold, showing you that it's never to old to change. These two women made me realise that my adventurous spirit doesn't have an expiry date, and everyday can be filled with love and laughter IF you value yourself, get out of your comfort zone and realise your dreams.
http://sploid.gizmodo.com/watching-two-old-women-fly-for-the-first-time-is-pure-g-1562267586/+jesusdiaz
And I think that's the biggest part, being able to value yourself. Some people put a monetary value on themselves 'I'm worth $ this much money.' Others value themselves by the amount of family they have around them 'I have 3 daughters, 2 sons, 16 grand-children and 4 great-grandchildren', where as the new generations of 30 and 40 somethings are learning quickly that it doesn't need to be a number, it's all about quality - quality of 'people' in your life that make you happy, laugh, be yourself, support you and allow you to extend yourself; the quality in 'time' you put into reaching your goals, being the best parent, friend and even person to yourself; the quality of 'emotional and spiritual being' you are allowing yourself to be (again, another awesome ad... http://www.bestadsontv.com/ad/61567/Thai-Life-Insurance-Unsung-Hero ), and the quality of experiences you give yourself to create a lifetime of memories - from walking the dog on a cool foggy morning and loving the coolness on your skin, to taking your kids to the last movie of the night and finding yourself in an empty cinema just for you, to kissing your beloved at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Life is about living… and some Baby Boomers just don't get that… They were dictated to by the government to save for their retirement, and work work work, sacrificing building relationships with their kids, sacrificing quality time for themselves, sacrificing speaking out to someone when they are alive rather than bottling up the hurt and airing it out when they are dead; sacrificing goals that were desired but were hard to be realised based on the social structure of what was expected from them. There were some who fell through the loop and made a stance against conformity, and they are the courageous ones - the ones who believed in themselves more than their circumstances.
It doesn't matter how old you are or how scared you are, there is always time for change. Change for the positive, and a chance to bring eternal happiness to your life.
Saturday, 12 April 2014
What's A Single Mum To Do When She Has 24 Hours of Kid Free Time?
Ok, so as much as I love my kids, sometimes it's nice to have some kid-free time. But to have 24 hours off is a real treat… and this is the first time in about 2.5 years we all haven't slept under the same roof. Yes, they have had individual sleepovers, but there hasn't been a time where they both were gone… until last night.
So what do I do? I dropped them off at lunch time, and the first stop was a work appointment, followed by a trip to the bakery for lunch. A couple of hot-cross-buns (my favourite at this time of year). Drove home and ate my lunch watching Ellen, and a really nice interview with Pharrell Williams. After lunch, I took myself off to have an hour's massage which was ahhhhhhhh! Came home, did a little bit of work, Facebook, etc before my fuck buddy arrived! (OOH!). Not much to report there… in and out… there you go!
I took the dog for a walk, watched a little TV, made some work appointments and got myself ready for my BIG night! I have been promising a friend that I would check out his regular Friday night karaoke night for about 2.5 years now, and tonight's the night. I have a willing friend prepared to drive the 50 minute drive to The Basin and potential for a night of whatever happens.
My friend, who's regular night it is, says it's 7.30pm for an 8pm start. And that was my plan, yet my willing friend took that little bit longer to get ready. We jumped in the car, drove on roads I knew well, until we took a right hand turn, and I felt we had turned into the 1970s. Shops in the street hadn't been changed, cars were scarce, it was really weird. This road lead to Forest Road… and indeed it was like driving through a Forest into another time zone, until we found the little tavern that should have been in a quaint town in Canada rather than the 'burbs of Melbourne with its rustic timber exterior, its stag horns, flags, odd chairs and vintage signs. And of course, we arrived a little before 8pm and all the tables were full.
We squished onto a table with my friend and his girlfriend, ordered some chips and gravy, and salt & pepper calamari with aeoli (a slight contradiction in eras), which was my last feast before I started my Lite N Easy diet the next day. The singing was all a little too serious… those who got up, were singing beautifully the words in tune, but standing like a zombie focussed on the words on the screen. Now, I didn't drink a drop of alcohol all night, but somehow my girlfriend decided that we needed to sing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen after she had a few too many pots. And the entertainment factor soared through the roof.
Our singing was terrible, our elaborate arm movements and theatrics were apparently very entertaining. We had one little mishap, where my friend wanted to play air-guitar with my leg and my rarely-worn high-heels wobbled so much we fell over, but we continued singing. My friend videoed it, and it's going to make us millions on YouTube!
So after our sing-song, the entertainment stakes were raised, and other punters were keen to have a little more fun. The night finished at about 11.30pm without our encore performance of 'Blurred Lines' that was planned, and I asked the DJ if he really wanted us to return again after our shocking performance…, because one day, we will have to sing it... but he just nodded his head.
We said goodbye to our friends, and set off to St Kilda. We met a few friends there, who we met a couple of weeks ago, plus these two gorgeous school teachers, called Kath and Kim! Hilarious if you're an Aussie who knows the comedy duo (fortunately not the TV version - two very sweet girls). We got up on the dance floor to some Irish violin playing, and screamed out Mr Brightside when the main act came back out. We just sang and danced with all the locals, having a load of fun.
I decided my night was over at about 1.30am and drove home, leaving my girlfriend in the arms of her London boy she met a couple of weeks ago, and the delightful Kath and Kim.
It was weird coming home to a quiet house, with only my cheeky dog wanting some love. But I did have a restful sleep, without hearing my son's bed creaking in the middle of the night, or doors opening with toilet trips. I was able to sleep in until 9am, took the dog for a walk. I was silly enough to make a work appointment for a Saturday morning, but it gave me a good excuse to check out a vintage craft market one of my other girlfriend's had a stall at, selling her beautifully scented soy candles.
I bought a few candles, and a thermal nail polish (it changes colour!), a funky American numberplate cushion for my holiday house and some flavoured liquorice for my boys. It was nice being able to potter around looking at the stalls and chatting to people without my boys begging to go home.
It was time then to pick up my boys, and smile about how fun, how happy and how easily it is to enjoy 24 hours without kids!
So what do I do? I dropped them off at lunch time, and the first stop was a work appointment, followed by a trip to the bakery for lunch. A couple of hot-cross-buns (my favourite at this time of year). Drove home and ate my lunch watching Ellen, and a really nice interview with Pharrell Williams. After lunch, I took myself off to have an hour's massage which was ahhhhhhhh! Came home, did a little bit of work, Facebook, etc before my fuck buddy arrived! (OOH!). Not much to report there… in and out… there you go!
I took the dog for a walk, watched a little TV, made some work appointments and got myself ready for my BIG night! I have been promising a friend that I would check out his regular Friday night karaoke night for about 2.5 years now, and tonight's the night. I have a willing friend prepared to drive the 50 minute drive to The Basin and potential for a night of whatever happens.
My friend, who's regular night it is, says it's 7.30pm for an 8pm start. And that was my plan, yet my willing friend took that little bit longer to get ready. We jumped in the car, drove on roads I knew well, until we took a right hand turn, and I felt we had turned into the 1970s. Shops in the street hadn't been changed, cars were scarce, it was really weird. This road lead to Forest Road… and indeed it was like driving through a Forest into another time zone, until we found the little tavern that should have been in a quaint town in Canada rather than the 'burbs of Melbourne with its rustic timber exterior, its stag horns, flags, odd chairs and vintage signs. And of course, we arrived a little before 8pm and all the tables were full.
We squished onto a table with my friend and his girlfriend, ordered some chips and gravy, and salt & pepper calamari with aeoli (a slight contradiction in eras), which was my last feast before I started my Lite N Easy diet the next day. The singing was all a little too serious… those who got up, were singing beautifully the words in tune, but standing like a zombie focussed on the words on the screen. Now, I didn't drink a drop of alcohol all night, but somehow my girlfriend decided that we needed to sing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen after she had a few too many pots. And the entertainment factor soared through the roof.
Our singing was terrible, our elaborate arm movements and theatrics were apparently very entertaining. We had one little mishap, where my friend wanted to play air-guitar with my leg and my rarely-worn high-heels wobbled so much we fell over, but we continued singing. My friend videoed it, and it's going to make us millions on YouTube!
So after our sing-song, the entertainment stakes were raised, and other punters were keen to have a little more fun. The night finished at about 11.30pm without our encore performance of 'Blurred Lines' that was planned, and I asked the DJ if he really wanted us to return again after our shocking performance…, because one day, we will have to sing it... but he just nodded his head.
We said goodbye to our friends, and set off to St Kilda. We met a few friends there, who we met a couple of weeks ago, plus these two gorgeous school teachers, called Kath and Kim! Hilarious if you're an Aussie who knows the comedy duo (fortunately not the TV version - two very sweet girls). We got up on the dance floor to some Irish violin playing, and screamed out Mr Brightside when the main act came back out. We just sang and danced with all the locals, having a load of fun.
I decided my night was over at about 1.30am and drove home, leaving my girlfriend in the arms of her London boy she met a couple of weeks ago, and the delightful Kath and Kim.
It was weird coming home to a quiet house, with only my cheeky dog wanting some love. But I did have a restful sleep, without hearing my son's bed creaking in the middle of the night, or doors opening with toilet trips. I was able to sleep in until 9am, took the dog for a walk. I was silly enough to make a work appointment for a Saturday morning, but it gave me a good excuse to check out a vintage craft market one of my other girlfriend's had a stall at, selling her beautifully scented soy candles.
I bought a few candles, and a thermal nail polish (it changes colour!), a funky American numberplate cushion for my holiday house and some flavoured liquorice for my boys. It was nice being able to potter around looking at the stalls and chatting to people without my boys begging to go home.
It was time then to pick up my boys, and smile about how fun, how happy and how easily it is to enjoy 24 hours without kids!
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Single Mum and the Social Life
Now that my kids are a little bit older, I'm feeling it's ok to mingle with adults in a social way again. It's hard, because it's been so long between drinks. A couple of weeks ago, I went dancing to some live music with an old (and I mean known her for 35 years old!) friend and it was such a crazy eye-opening night. However, you do find yourself mingling with other divorced friends with kids, and to co-ordinate times to actually see each other gets hard.
As you all know, I have my kids 100% of the time. I haven't had a night without both of them under the same roof as me in around 2.5 years, yet friends who have every alternate weekend without kids just don't understand that it's not that easy getting a chance to go out, and have a proper night out without worrying if the kids are all right. The only possible way is to get their friend's parents to agree that they stay at their home, but to co-ordinate two on the same night, or someone to take two kids and my boys are happy to go to that person's house is incredibly hard.
Yet the complications get harder. The friends you want to go out with have their kids on the night that you organise for both of them to stay at friend's houses, so you look for other friends… and they have the same issues or their own plans. Kids get sick, and you may have to scrap the idea that there is actually a chance for you to have a night out. The problem is, you have been out of the equation for so long, no one even considers you, invites you or truly understand the difficulty in arranging, what feels like an epic event. And you wonder why you even bother, because no one will ever understand that sometimes you need to be more than just a mother.
Then you have other friends who complain that they have had their kids for nine days straight and in desperate need for a night out (when they only had one ten days ago), yet they can't understand that it's been almost 1000 days since you had a complete night to yourself.
But I count my blessings. I have an amazing relationship with my boys… they tell me everything, give me massages (and good ones too!), help around the house, always give me a hug and tell me they love me, and we have a relationship of trust while allowing independence. I can give them the best of everything, but I do feel guilty when I can't them more time. And time is the most valuable thing you can give someone… including yourself, so it's important too to have a social life, away from being a mum.
And even to enjoy a little intimacy, you need to keep it hidden or non-existent… because you have already fallen once for someone who you felt could be the perfect step-father for your kids only to let not only you down, but your kids. So you protect yourself and your kids fiercely before allowing anyone to be close to you.
So can single mums and a social life work? If you have support! If you don't, well c'est la vie… I guess you just have to wait until your youngest is eighteen.
As you all know, I have my kids 100% of the time. I haven't had a night without both of them under the same roof as me in around 2.5 years, yet friends who have every alternate weekend without kids just don't understand that it's not that easy getting a chance to go out, and have a proper night out without worrying if the kids are all right. The only possible way is to get their friend's parents to agree that they stay at their home, but to co-ordinate two on the same night, or someone to take two kids and my boys are happy to go to that person's house is incredibly hard.
Yet the complications get harder. The friends you want to go out with have their kids on the night that you organise for both of them to stay at friend's houses, so you look for other friends… and they have the same issues or their own plans. Kids get sick, and you may have to scrap the idea that there is actually a chance for you to have a night out. The problem is, you have been out of the equation for so long, no one even considers you, invites you or truly understand the difficulty in arranging, what feels like an epic event. And you wonder why you even bother, because no one will ever understand that sometimes you need to be more than just a mother.
Then you have other friends who complain that they have had their kids for nine days straight and in desperate need for a night out (when they only had one ten days ago), yet they can't understand that it's been almost 1000 days since you had a complete night to yourself.
But I count my blessings. I have an amazing relationship with my boys… they tell me everything, give me massages (and good ones too!), help around the house, always give me a hug and tell me they love me, and we have a relationship of trust while allowing independence. I can give them the best of everything, but I do feel guilty when I can't them more time. And time is the most valuable thing you can give someone… including yourself, so it's important too to have a social life, away from being a mum.
And even to enjoy a little intimacy, you need to keep it hidden or non-existent… because you have already fallen once for someone who you felt could be the perfect step-father for your kids only to let not only you down, but your kids. So you protect yourself and your kids fiercely before allowing anyone to be close to you.
So can single mums and a social life work? If you have support! If you don't, well c'est la vie… I guess you just have to wait until your youngest is eighteen.
Sunday, 23 March 2014
First Love!
I was tickled pink the other day when my almost 13 year old son came home as happy as Larry declaring at the top of his voice "I have a girlfriend!" I was proud, because he wasn't afraid of sharing his world with me and his brother.
He did something I would never have done with my parents because they were so strict about 'who' my friends were, and scrutinised everything about my friends before they gave them a chance. My best friends in my first year of high school were 'bad influences' because they were from single parent families (ha! And now that I am a single mother, I'm a bad person and my children are being strayed into bad ways). Yet ironically, I still keep in contact with those friends through the distant of Facebook, and they are all quite successful in their own right - one is a leading Sydney radio announcer, one is a mother of three and is a college professor in IT and another is living a semi-retired life in beautiful Queensland. So for my son to come to me so excited to tell me that he has his first girlfriend, I was chuffed.
Throughout the weekend, he had Skype calls from her, they organised a double date for the middle of the school holidays and he talked about her a little. I asked questions to see how far they had gone - like holding hands or if he'd had his first kiss, and maturely he said 'No, we are more friends than anything else at this stage.' And that's OK.
But then we had a step back in time. We went to the local shopping mall and bumped into the school bully he had at primary school. Over the 7 years he was at school with this kid, this kid played 'murder tiggy' with him and other kids with a stick in his hand, trying to stab people in the back (and left a 20cm scratch down my son's back) and he tied my son to a tree with a volleyball net my son was trying to get down leaving him with rope burns on his legs from struggling to get out. They were two of the worst things of many things he did to my son. My youngest son asked his brother 'are you still friends with that kid?' to which my kind-hearted son replied 'yes.' Horrified, I said, 'how can you still be friends with him? You don't go to the same school as him anymore, and you have no reason to see him. He's not your 'friend', he is just someone who you once went to school with.' And as I said this, we walked passed a confectionary shop and saw this kid physically stealing from the shop and pulling a friend out by his hair to leave as quickly as possible. I turned to my son and said 'you really want to say you're friends with that?' And he saw how stupid this kid was being, and realised that that kid was no friend of his.
But the declaration that he had a girlfriend was validation to me that I was doing the right thing with my kids. That the communication doors are always open, that I've taught them and continue to teach them properly about relationships (or they have seen first hand some of the hardships that I've been through). And I hope that, no matter what, those doors will stay open, and they never feel like they are being judged and that I can steer them to make the right decisions for themselves while they believe they are making those decisions by themselves.
To me, a first love is sweet and necessary to know that you're in touch with your feelings, and it's just another part of growing up.
He did something I would never have done with my parents because they were so strict about 'who' my friends were, and scrutinised everything about my friends before they gave them a chance. My best friends in my first year of high school were 'bad influences' because they were from single parent families (ha! And now that I am a single mother, I'm a bad person and my children are being strayed into bad ways). Yet ironically, I still keep in contact with those friends through the distant of Facebook, and they are all quite successful in their own right - one is a leading Sydney radio announcer, one is a mother of three and is a college professor in IT and another is living a semi-retired life in beautiful Queensland. So for my son to come to me so excited to tell me that he has his first girlfriend, I was chuffed.
Throughout the weekend, he had Skype calls from her, they organised a double date for the middle of the school holidays and he talked about her a little. I asked questions to see how far they had gone - like holding hands or if he'd had his first kiss, and maturely he said 'No, we are more friends than anything else at this stage.' And that's OK.
But then we had a step back in time. We went to the local shopping mall and bumped into the school bully he had at primary school. Over the 7 years he was at school with this kid, this kid played 'murder tiggy' with him and other kids with a stick in his hand, trying to stab people in the back (and left a 20cm scratch down my son's back) and he tied my son to a tree with a volleyball net my son was trying to get down leaving him with rope burns on his legs from struggling to get out. They were two of the worst things of many things he did to my son. My youngest son asked his brother 'are you still friends with that kid?' to which my kind-hearted son replied 'yes.' Horrified, I said, 'how can you still be friends with him? You don't go to the same school as him anymore, and you have no reason to see him. He's not your 'friend', he is just someone who you once went to school with.' And as I said this, we walked passed a confectionary shop and saw this kid physically stealing from the shop and pulling a friend out by his hair to leave as quickly as possible. I turned to my son and said 'you really want to say you're friends with that?' And he saw how stupid this kid was being, and realised that that kid was no friend of his.
But the declaration that he had a girlfriend was validation to me that I was doing the right thing with my kids. That the communication doors are always open, that I've taught them and continue to teach them properly about relationships (or they have seen first hand some of the hardships that I've been through). And I hope that, no matter what, those doors will stay open, and they never feel like they are being judged and that I can steer them to make the right decisions for themselves while they believe they are making those decisions by themselves.
To me, a first love is sweet and necessary to know that you're in touch with your feelings, and it's just another part of growing up.
Friday, 21 March 2014
Help! I Need HELP!!
Well, not me, but a friend of a friend invited me to be part of a Single Mothers Forum on Facebook and it literally broke my heart. So many dead beat dads out there, so many common stories, so many welfare addicts and so many women thinking that somebody else OWES them something. WOW!
It got to the point that I wrote a nice little soliloquy to one woman who was bitching about her self-employed ex husband who claims he's only making $37,000 a year and provides hardly any child support, yet can go on overseas trips and drive luxury cars, while she struggles with 'shared' care (um… doesn't that mean that 50% of the kids are with him, therefore 50% of the total cost of raising the children is up to him? and that she has 50% of her time to get a job!?) and hasn't got any money to raise their kids. I wrote to her suggesting that she has to stop thinking he owes her anything, and she needs to stop expecting the government to provide for her, and go out and work. I told her about the number of internet jobs out there she can do while her kids are in her care, and if she actually had some courage, determination and confidence in herself, she could actually become someone BETTER than her ex husband.
Really, ALL THE POWER IS TO YOU!! YOU have to make it happen. YOU have to JUST DO IT! You can't get upset with people who don't help you if YOU DON'T HELP YOURSELF.
Look, I know that's not the case with everyone, but this single mother's forum was overloaded with women asking about single parenting payments, unemployment benefits, rent assistance, child support, family tax benefits, education allowances and all the other handouts the Australian government give to parents, single or married, to get by. It clogged up my Facebook so much, I had to get out.
I just don't understand how there are so many single parents out there who believe that they are entitled to get someone else's hard earned money, especially when they have the exact amount of time with their kids as their ex-spouses, yet can't create the OPPORTUNITY to earn similar money. And I simply don't understand this, because, in my case, I am the one who has the heavy duty artillery - the successful business, the kids 100% of the time and a home that my kids have their own place and things, where my ex CHOOSES to do the job that he loves (that pays very little), but neglects his responsibilities in providing for his children in the way of shelter, transport, food, medical expenses and education. I have told my ex if he wants to be in our children's lives, then he needs to be financially responsible for them, therefore, yes, we do go through the Child Support Agency so he pays his fair share, but I don't need his money, for me, it's a matter of principle. If he doesn't want to be in their lives, he doesn't need to pay, and he needs to leave us alone. It's that simple. We are currently interacting with him once every 4-6 weeks. That's how much his kids mean to him.
If something is not working for you, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE IT. No one can change your life for you, YOU have to do it for you. Have some passion, think positively, create your own destiny, get rid of all the negativity that is dominating your life and BE the better person for being above all the pettiness that comes with exes, government handouts and chasing child support.
Be kinder to yourself, learn to love yourself and that change of energy will be all the help you need.
It got to the point that I wrote a nice little soliloquy to one woman who was bitching about her self-employed ex husband who claims he's only making $37,000 a year and provides hardly any child support, yet can go on overseas trips and drive luxury cars, while she struggles with 'shared' care (um… doesn't that mean that 50% of the kids are with him, therefore 50% of the total cost of raising the children is up to him? and that she has 50% of her time to get a job!?) and hasn't got any money to raise their kids. I wrote to her suggesting that she has to stop thinking he owes her anything, and she needs to stop expecting the government to provide for her, and go out and work. I told her about the number of internet jobs out there she can do while her kids are in her care, and if she actually had some courage, determination and confidence in herself, she could actually become someone BETTER than her ex husband.
Really, ALL THE POWER IS TO YOU!! YOU have to make it happen. YOU have to JUST DO IT! You can't get upset with people who don't help you if YOU DON'T HELP YOURSELF.
Look, I know that's not the case with everyone, but this single mother's forum was overloaded with women asking about single parenting payments, unemployment benefits, rent assistance, child support, family tax benefits, education allowances and all the other handouts the Australian government give to parents, single or married, to get by. It clogged up my Facebook so much, I had to get out.
I just don't understand how there are so many single parents out there who believe that they are entitled to get someone else's hard earned money, especially when they have the exact amount of time with their kids as their ex-spouses, yet can't create the OPPORTUNITY to earn similar money. And I simply don't understand this, because, in my case, I am the one who has the heavy duty artillery - the successful business, the kids 100% of the time and a home that my kids have their own place and things, where my ex CHOOSES to do the job that he loves (that pays very little), but neglects his responsibilities in providing for his children in the way of shelter, transport, food, medical expenses and education. I have told my ex if he wants to be in our children's lives, then he needs to be financially responsible for them, therefore, yes, we do go through the Child Support Agency so he pays his fair share, but I don't need his money, for me, it's a matter of principle. If he doesn't want to be in their lives, he doesn't need to pay, and he needs to leave us alone. It's that simple. We are currently interacting with him once every 4-6 weeks. That's how much his kids mean to him.
If something is not working for you, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE IT. No one can change your life for you, YOU have to do it for you. Have some passion, think positively, create your own destiny, get rid of all the negativity that is dominating your life and BE the better person for being above all the pettiness that comes with exes, government handouts and chasing child support.
Be kinder to yourself, learn to love yourself and that change of energy will be all the help you need.
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Sleep!
I do not know when the last time I had a seriously great sleep. You know, those ones where you don't move through the night, where your head is stuck deep in the pillow and you wake up feeling alive and refreshed. Those ones that last eight hours or more. The last one would have been over 13 years ago, before the birth of my oldest son.
My life is sleep deprived because of many reasons… from breastfeeding for a total of 32 months with a pregnancy in between, to being self-employed and needing to work in the dead of the night just to have a clean slate for the following day; to worrying about where my marriage was going, to being jet-lagged in different corners of the world, to being a dog mum for the first time in my life to now, just being a single mum.
Most nights I get 2-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, then wake to see I still have another 2 or 3 hours before I have to get up again, and just that waking doesn't get me back to sleep, because my thoughts race around with what I have to do when I get up. I have mini cat naps in the car between appointments, that some how recharge me for the next few hours, but nothing gets me that total feeling of being refreshed.
So I'm a light sleeper… I guess that's what kids do to you. I do hear every little noise in the house, but weirdly tune out to most of the street noise even though I'm on a main road. I have resorted to the Swisse sleep tablets to at least get into a deeper sleep, and sometimes they help, and sometimes they are no use at all.
Over the past 2 months, my work loads has been so extremely, that I was averaging 12-16 hours of sleep between Monday-Friday. But I just couldn't sleep in on the weekends, due to dog walking duties or kid's sports. I'd take nanna naps on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but all I could hear was the blaring TV or my kids beating each other up. It just feels useless trying to even go there.
Last night, I actually decided to go to bed at a reasonable time.. For once I had no work to do, no work to do for my book (as it is now officially submitted!), I'd helped my boys with their homework and the house was clean for a rental inspection we had this morning. It felt so weird that there was actually some order in my life. So I took a book to bed, read a chapter and turned the light off at 10pm. I thought 'WOW! I might actually have a chance of 8 hours of straight sleep!'
I had set my alarm for 6.15am to take Dexter (the dog) for a walk, and relaxed in bed, hoping for a chance of 8 straight hours of not waking up. Did it happen? No… 12.38am, 2.15am, 4.46am… and that's when I changed the alarm from 6.15am to 6.30am, because it was driving me insane.
What is it that's going to give me a peaceful night sleep again? Sex before sleep (how I wish), prescription sleeping pills, weight loss, alcohol, warm cocoa, a heavy duty exercise program, existing rather than living?
I'm sure there are plenty of mums out there who feel the same. Constantly drained from lack of sleep or interrupted sleep. But I guess the only thing we can do is look after ourselves more and stop thinking so much!
My life is sleep deprived because of many reasons… from breastfeeding for a total of 32 months with a pregnancy in between, to being self-employed and needing to work in the dead of the night just to have a clean slate for the following day; to worrying about where my marriage was going, to being jet-lagged in different corners of the world, to being a dog mum for the first time in my life to now, just being a single mum.
Most nights I get 2-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, then wake to see I still have another 2 or 3 hours before I have to get up again, and just that waking doesn't get me back to sleep, because my thoughts race around with what I have to do when I get up. I have mini cat naps in the car between appointments, that some how recharge me for the next few hours, but nothing gets me that total feeling of being refreshed.
So I'm a light sleeper… I guess that's what kids do to you. I do hear every little noise in the house, but weirdly tune out to most of the street noise even though I'm on a main road. I have resorted to the Swisse sleep tablets to at least get into a deeper sleep, and sometimes they help, and sometimes they are no use at all.
Over the past 2 months, my work loads has been so extremely, that I was averaging 12-16 hours of sleep between Monday-Friday. But I just couldn't sleep in on the weekends, due to dog walking duties or kid's sports. I'd take nanna naps on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but all I could hear was the blaring TV or my kids beating each other up. It just feels useless trying to even go there.
Last night, I actually decided to go to bed at a reasonable time.. For once I had no work to do, no work to do for my book (as it is now officially submitted!), I'd helped my boys with their homework and the house was clean for a rental inspection we had this morning. It felt so weird that there was actually some order in my life. So I took a book to bed, read a chapter and turned the light off at 10pm. I thought 'WOW! I might actually have a chance of 8 hours of straight sleep!'
I had set my alarm for 6.15am to take Dexter (the dog) for a walk, and relaxed in bed, hoping for a chance of 8 straight hours of not waking up. Did it happen? No… 12.38am, 2.15am, 4.46am… and that's when I changed the alarm from 6.15am to 6.30am, because it was driving me insane.
What is it that's going to give me a peaceful night sleep again? Sex before sleep (how I wish), prescription sleeping pills, weight loss, alcohol, warm cocoa, a heavy duty exercise program, existing rather than living?
I'm sure there are plenty of mums out there who feel the same. Constantly drained from lack of sleep or interrupted sleep. But I guess the only thing we can do is look after ourselves more and stop thinking so much!
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