Single Mum and the Social Life

Now that my kids are a little bit older, I'm feeling it's ok to mingle with adults in a social way again. It's hard, because it's been so long between drinks. A couple of weeks ago, I went dancing to some live music with an old (and I mean known her for 35 years old!) friend and it was such a crazy eye-opening night. However, you do find yourself mingling with other divorced friends with kids, and to co-ordinate times to actually see each other gets hard.

As you all know, I have my kids 100% of the time. I haven't had a night without both of them under the same roof as me in around 2.5 years, yet friends who have every alternate weekend without kids just don't understand that it's not that easy getting a chance to go out, and have a proper night out without worrying if the kids are all right. The only possible way is to get their friend's parents to agree that they stay at their home, but to co-ordinate two on the same night, or someone to take two kids and my boys are happy to go to that person's house is incredibly hard.

Yet the complications get harder. The friends you want to go out with have their kids on the night that you organise for both of them to stay at friend's houses, so you look for other friends… and they have the same issues or their own plans. Kids get sick, and you may have to scrap the idea that there is actually a chance for you to have a night out. The problem is, you have been out of the equation for so long, no one even considers you, invites you or truly understand the difficulty in arranging, what feels like an epic event. And you wonder why you even bother, because no one will ever understand that sometimes you need to be more than just a mother.

Then you have other friends who complain that they have had their kids for nine days straight and in desperate need for a night out (when they only had one ten days ago), yet they can't understand that it's been almost 1000 days since you had a complete night to yourself.

But I count my blessings. I have an amazing relationship with my boys… they tell me everything, give me massages (and good ones too!), help around the house, always give me a hug and tell me they love me, and we have a relationship of trust while allowing independence. I can give them the best of everything, but I do feel guilty when I can't them more time. And time is the most valuable thing you can give someone… including yourself, so it's important too to have a social life, away from being a mum.

And even to enjoy a little intimacy, you need to keep it hidden or non-existent… because you have already fallen once for someone who you felt could be the perfect step-father for your kids only to let not only you down, but your kids. So you protect yourself and your kids fiercely before allowing anyone to be close to you.

So can single mums and a social life work? If you have support! If you don't, well c'est la vie… I guess you just have to wait until your youngest is eighteen.

Love Vs Loneliness

Some people stay eternally single... You know that they secretly desire to have someone to love them, someone to hold at night, someone to share their life with and you wish that for them too. Some of these people you know for years upon years and have never known them to be with anyone serious. Yes they go on the occasional dates, have someone sleep over every now and again, but nothing to the point of moving in with each other or starting a family together. And I guess for most of us, you get used to your friends staying single. And I think for most people who are single, they get so used to living an independent life that it truly is hard to share a life with someone else, or have someone impose their life onto yours when you have your life just the way you want it... until they fall in love, or someone wants more...

So as many people in your life are at the stage of going through horrible divorces, out comes the eternally single friend who gets engaged. You're happy for them that they have found someone who they can share their life with, but you want to protect them from the hurt and disharmony that ending a marriage can cause, considering they have a one in two chance of divorce. Maybe they will be eternally engaged or they will be happily married forever because they chose to wait, not like the rest of us, to find their perfect mate.

But the reality is, no one wants to be single, but then no one wants to be unhappy either. Sometimes you need to be single just to find out who you are, but then there are the lonely times when you just wish you had someone to share your happy times with, and it makes those times not as happy as they could have been. There is a fine balance between having the love you've always wanted and having your own space to be you, and there really is a small percentage of couples who master the balance and find eternally happiness forever.

So as our eternally single friend finds her happiness and has her chance to share her life with someone who loves her, we wish her the very best, that the love she has with her man is something that lasts a life time and she gets the joy in her marriage that we all desire.