Single Mum Friends

Why is it that once your divorced, separated, widowed or just down right single, all your 'couple' friends don't seem to want to be around you? Is it because you're drawn to other single parents, because you need to talk out all your problems and hardships, or is it because you maybe are a potential threat to the marriage of all your 'coupled-up' friends?

But it's not just women it affects, it's also men... I have many single mum friends, even single recently divorced friends with no kids, and all of them will say that the majority of their friends they see frequently will be single OR only see you without their partners.

In some ways, it is quite liberating being with your single friends, as you don't have to deal with a nagging partner who wants to go home while your friend is enjoying herself, or a partner who embarrasses your friend with his daddy jokes or drunken stupidity, but in other ways, you'd wish you had someone to deal with the kid's problems of being fed, toilet time or needing a change of clothes while you can let your hair down with your friends.

The other good thing about 'single mum friends' is that they too attract other single parents, and through their network, you can meet other 'single dad friends' and maybe just start something up.

So as we all can laugh about being desperate and dateless, or confide in each other about what we would normally confide in a partner about if we actually had one, it's good to know that you can count on your 'single mum friends' no matter what.

Don't Cha Ever...?

...wish that someone would step inside your shoes for a day and see what it's really like to be a single mother? Where they see what 'a flexible' job really means so that you can fit your children's lives in between? Where you cope with all the sleep deprivation as every small cough that comes from the next room wakes you out of that REM sleep? Where you feel embarrassed putting in ready made meals into the shopping cart because you literally haven't time to prepare a freshly-made meal, even though you dearly want to? Don't you just wish someone could just see exactly what you go through to have a small amount of appreciation of exactly what you do in your day?

I watched part of an episode of 'The View' while having a rare 'sit down and eat some lunch' time today  (for me) and they talked about a 'Celebrity Wife Swap' where a celebrity with one child and a beautiful husband (and a nanny, cook and housekeeper) would be swapping her life with a single mother of 8 children (one set of twins (12 year olds) and one set of sextuplets (8 year olds)). Her 'manual' for keeping her children organised and her day sane was so particular, it included things like the children will be coming downstairs for breakfast at about 6.03am, homework for the older children needs to be started by 4.12pm, brush teeth before bed at 7.26pm, etc. The celebrity mother couldn't understand why it was so exact, as the celebrity's life included so much 'me time' to enjoy her beauty schedule, physical activity and social life. She also had a husband who kept her happy and believed that if 'she' was happy, the whole family will be happy. The single mother understood that, as she felt if her children were happy, she would be happy to. It was so refreshing for me to hear that this single mother felt that her children's happiness is what made everything worthwhile, and being a mother WAS NOT A CHORE!!!

I am so tired of hearing mothers saying parenting is hard work, as I completely disagree with it. If you love your children, if you love being there for them, then how can parenting be a 'chore' or 'hard work?' Love should never be 'hard work,' love comes from the heart and you do what comes from your heart to remain happy. It seems to me that the only ones who think it is hard work are those who are selfish.

So as I get ready for another 6am start to get work done in the quiet of the morning before the boys wake up, but struggle to sleep because my head is full of work things to complete before my 9am deadline in the morning, as it is every weekday morning, I end up watching re-runs on TV to quiet my mind till 1am, 2am or even 3am or surf the web for feel good stories to put some perspective in my life that 'life really ain't that bad, it's just busy.' I still would love a day where someone close to me would step in my shoes and realise how much I pack into a day and appreciate me more for it.... as the only ones who do seem to appreciate me and all the self-sacrificing I do for my boys, my work and many others in my life, are my boys, as they see it every day.

Is Chivalry Dead?

Most men these days have no idea how to romance a woman. They expect the bill to be paid equally, they choose to be germ-a-phobes when their girlfriend has the flu, they can't make a decision in where to go or what to do on a date, and no matter how they feel, there isn't a gift given without the expectation of a gift received. There are no doors held open, there are no unexpected delivery of flowers, there are no love letters sent in the mail. Emails and text messages are filled with text slang, so the lyrical poetry that the written word can have is lost through cyber translation. Is it the sign of the times, or have the men of our times, never been taught how to treat a woman with love and kindness?

Young men seem to want their 'sugar mummies' or MILFs. They love the 'experienced woman' and what she can teach him. All too often, some of my friends and I get approached by the 20 something year old and you can see they are only after you for one thing. Not once will they call you to see how you are if you are sick, not once will they send you flowers on your birthday, not once will they call around with some chicken soup when you're sick. They are truly, all in it for themselves, they have not worked out that you have to actually care about a woman, look after her and seduce her before she will succumb to any sexual pleasure.

But the older man, he may still have it. I heard a story recently about a couple who were dating and enjoying there times together immensely. He had dated a few other girls over the last few years, and they were all too eager to ask 'What are we actually doing here? Are we dating or are we exclusive?' He had never been too eager to answer the question because he didn't feel comfortable enough in the 'dating' to move it to a 'relationship.' So when he found this new woman, he was so smitten he actually asked her a question 'Do you want to be my girlfriend?' The woman was so flattered by his sweetness and how he cared enough to take her to the next step to actually have a 'relationship' with her, she of course said 'yes.' They were falling so much in love with each other they felt like teenagers again, loving every moment of their time together. No matter how clumsy, how juvenile or how pathetic is sounded, it was entirely romantic.

I think men got a little confused when the women's lib came in and they didn't know what was right or wrong in the romance department. They didn't want to offend their girlfriend or those they dated, yet they didn't know which way would offend them - the romantic 'I'll take care of everything' way, or the 'let's be equals in this relationship' way. It really does depend on the woman to work out which way to go, so I guess a few questions asked would always be the way to know how to treat the situation. But I think, all in all, men need to be prepared always to 'take care of everything' and not be offended if she'd prefer to pay her way. Especially a single mum, because most of us, just want someone to take care of us for a change.

A few more chapters to go and I'm done!

I'm really getting into the tail end of my third draft of my book 'On the Road to the Best Orgasm Ever' at the moment and I've come to a point where my protagonist is questioning what 'love' is. She always felt she never had it as she grew up in her family, she thought she found it when she found someone to marry her, but really, all she was doing was transferring the love she wanted from her parents to someone who gave her the love she thought she wanted from them yet it still didn't feel right, and then she found someone she felt immensely comfortable with but at the same time, felt comfortable in her own skin. She had learned to love herself by being with this person.

Everything is wonderful with this man... she felt so alive, so in tune with herself and everything about him made her feel like he was almost a male version of herself. Because of her background in love, she rarely offered those three little words to anyone unless she truly meant it, yet he offered them to all the people around him - work colleagues, old school mates, the kids he coached in soccer, his kids' friends, anyone... something she couldn't comprehend, something that made her question his love for her, because he offered his love so freely.

She questioned how he could love her when he has so much in his life that he can't let go for her. She wonders if his love is conditional or unconditional, based on the fact she has 'baggage' in terms of having younger children. But then he sends her so many mixed signals by being there for her when she needed him, yet had moments where he wouldn't be there at all.

So as you can see, her 'idea' of love and her 'ideals' of love are conflicted. Yes, she's a romantic and feels this man is 'the one' yet she wants to be a priority in his life, but she doesn't feel it. Does she give him the ultimatum and salvage any self-pride and dignity by demanding that she be his number one, or does she leave him, knowing she deserves so much more, even though she may never feel the love for someone, and herself again, as she did with him?

It's a tricky one, as it's about self-love as well as being loved by someone, and to accept self-love you generally need to feel that you are worthy of being loved and you can only feel worthy if someone is actually loving you for you, not the role that you provide them.

So that's where I'm at. It will be interesting to see where I take it. I know in my head how it will end, and hope it's what the publishers see in it to be published.

Health and Heartache

It saddened me today, when I saw a little girl at school, a little girl I've known for just over 7 years, crying holding onto her Daddy, saying that she's worried about her Momma. Since I've known her, her 'Momma' has been this positive burst of energy, always thinking about and helping others, but she was diagnosed with breast cancer that has now turned into an in-operatable brain tumour. I haven't seen her Momma at school for months, so when you see her daughter upset, you really hope that it's not the end. It truly breaks your heart.

I've heard so many stories of health heartaches this week, and I think how lucky we are that my boys and I are healthy, despite five visits to the chiropractor between us, one spinal X-ray, one visit to the osteopath & a trip to the dentist for a chipped tooth this week, plus a threat to take my youngest to the GP yet again because he keeps getting blood noses and can't shack off the cough he's had that has now led him to throwing up some of his meals. But generally, we don't have the heartache, just the frustration, that poor health with one can affect the entire family.

Another instance was at a home I went to write up this week. The house was large but cluttered. When we arrived (we being the floorplan artist, the photographer, the agent and me), we were greeted by seven adults in the home, so it felt overly cluttered. The house was divided into two homes - one for the grandparents and a brother and one for their son with his adult children. One of the grandchildren started to cry, because she knew how bad her grandparents' health was getting, and that they as a family didn't have the skills or knowledge in how to care for them properly. But the saddest part of it all, was that the house originally belonged to her Nanna's grandmother... the house had been in the same family for five generations. How do you let something go when it's your family's legacy and it's all you've ever known? You could see it caused terrible heartache for all who were there, but they had to, because they could no longer cope.

So for this little girl, I just wanted to say something to show I cared, but I don't know her father well enough to say something. I did send her Momma a get well card a few months back, but sometimes you just want to help more... but don't know how or what needs to be done. Her family is in my thoughts and prayers, hoping that things will only get better.

A Pain in the Back

Since I was 16 years old, I have had this excruciating pain that feels like it swells my internal organs against my rib cage and my spine making it impossible to lie down, have the strength to sit up or even comfortable to stand up and walk around. When I first started getting it, it would last 4-5 days and would normally turn up at the start of school holidays or the start of school term... almost like it was a change of pace that brought it on. Now, I've noticed that it happens when I'm overly stressed about something and the thing that stressed me has disappeared, which makes it worse, because you want to relax and you just can't because you're in so much pain, but sometimes it just appears out of nowhere.

When I was 16, my doctor recommended me to an infectious diseases specialist - he thought it might be a Vitamin C deficiency, which was weird, as the acid in orange juice used to make it worse. But it was also hard, because you usually had to wait 4-6 weeks to see a specialist, and when I eventually saw him, the pain had disappeared, so he really had no idea what was going on.

After I left home at 18, I would book into see my doctor, but then she would have a wait list of 4-7 days, so again, she couldn't put a finger on it either. So it was paramount, that once it started happening, I needed to see a doctor then and now.

I remember when I was about 24, and it was happening, so my doctor recommended I see a naturopath. For 6 months, I took 8-10 pills a day of different types of natural remedies, but nothing seem to treat what was actually going on, and the aches would still come back.

I cut out coffee in my life just before I became pregnant with my first son, as caffeine seemed to really trigger it off at least every couple of weeks, yet it still seemed to come back, luckily not as frequently as every two weeks.

In my late 20s, I remember having an ultrasound for gall stones, but again, nothing showed up. By then, I had worked out that 2 cups of peppermint tea helped, heat bags, massage and hot showers worked wonders for a temporary fix, yet any type of pain killer did nothing.

By my mid 30s, I had been to an osteopath, had plenty of remedial massages, went to a physiotherapist for about 6 months, even a hypnotherapist and yoga to ease the stress in my life, but nothing seemed to make any difference, besides give me temporary, but not complete relief. I went back to my normal doctor, and after years of research and experience, she thought it might be an overactive rectus abdominal muscle putting pressure on everything. She recommended I go get some dry needling done. And you guessed it, it didn't make a difference.

I even was with a friend who is a doctor when it happened once, and he thought it was a gastric-acid problem and that I essentially needed to stretch out to allow any 'wind' to pass through me to ease the pain...  but again, it helped, but it was short lived.

So now, as I've started taking my boys to a chiropractor for their nagging ailments and I'm seeing that there is actually some positive results coming from their concerns, why not see if he can help me. As I had a re-occurence on Saturday night that made it impossible to sleep, I asked him yesterday if he could help me. I still had a dull ache under my ribcage, and he prodded at my spine seeing where he could identify my aches, and he got every one of them. He said it was pretty bad, and after all these years, he told me to get a spinal x-ray done immediately. For the number of times I had told a doctor or someone in the medical profession that it feels like something's putting pressure on my rib cage and spine, why had no one suggested I get a spinal x-ray before?  It just seems so obvious, doesn't it?

Anyway, I'm off to the chiropractor to get my back cracked and any other adjustments he sees fit, to hopefully find an answer to what has been going on. I have a bag full of x-rays (I think I had about 8 done), so hopefully he can see something and it's not a figment of my imagination. I think I have been patient, don't you think? ;)

Is Permanency Possible?

When I started writing today's blog I was thinking about a tattoo.. A tattoo is something you do to mark yourself of something that means something to you, let it be a person, a philosophy, a symbol, an icon. Most women will start with a tattoo of something small in a fairly indiscreet place on their bodies - a heart, a butterfly, a tribal pattern, an angel... something sweet that they believe they can live with for the rest of their lives. Men generally go big - tattoo a calf muscle, their shoulder, their back or even their chest with elaborate designs of tigers, people's faces, numbers representing birthdays of important people, even holiday or military destinations. You have to be loyal to your tattoo, know you will love it forever, love what it symbolises and what it means to you, because removing a tattoo is almost as expensive as a divorce (in some cases, it can be more expensive), so you need to really know it's exactly what you want.

I remember seeing a singer on Australian Idol that had a tattoo on her arm that was all wrong - she had a treble clef on her arm that had one too many swirls in it. I can understand that music is her life, but someone obviously got it wrong, as she would have to constantly explain herself. How can you live like that? I've seen people with their kids names or birthdays etched into them, which in reality, they will always be a part of you, which is a good thing... but sometimes it can look like a string of women you've been with, especially if you have daughters. I couldn't imagine having sex with a man with his kids' names on his shoulder or chest because it would be a constant reminder of a life before me... it would really be a turn off, especially when you're 'in the moment.'

But in all essence, if a tattoo is a symbol of something permanent in your life, is it really possible to have something permanent? A child, a grandmother, a parent can always die before you, yet their spirit lives on in your heart... but they could abandon you as they search for their own wellbeing, and what are you left with? Their name etched in ink on your skin and an empty reminder of the loss you feel.

In reality, people come and go from your lives constantly. The important ones stay or come back, the not so important ones drift away. Through the advent of Facebook, many many more are coming back in leaps and bounds, but most sit in the background not really taking much notice of a name they once knew. Nothing is permanent, nothing will ever last a lifetime and we all have to subject ourselves to change, no matter how painful it may be. We either change for ourselves, to be better and happier, or we change for the people around us, who know and love us. It can't be both, because no matter what, you are either pleasing yourself or pleasing others. You may get a little happiness in pleasing others, but not as much as you are when you please yourself... and the opposite works the same way... you can't live a life of equal happiness as reality tears your heart one way or the other once you make a choice. You can't please everyone... I know... as I've learnt the hard way.

So if we can't please everyone, how can 'permanency be possible?' You're love life cannot be on a high all the time, your family life can't be happy and full of amazing memories forever, your financial success can't keep steamrolling making you mega dollars every day. There are going to be ups and downs. But some get stuck... usually stuck on the downward plane... unless they are on the upward plane and fall dramatically, unsure of how it happened.

Radical change is how we get ourselves out of a rut, courage is what gets us out of a life of sadness and uncertainty; effort, integrity and strength is what make dreams come alive. Yet, so many people linger in their old life hoping that one day it will get better, hoping that a decision will be made for them and somehow stay holding onto the memories that happened decades ago wishing those times will be back again. They have no courage, they make no efforts and they aren't prepared for change. They find themselves as the faded tattoo on their left shoulder that they shouldn't have had done when they were nineteen.

I see so many people lie through their teeth about their own happiness, success or reality stuck in what they feel is a permanent way of life for them. It's what they envisaged as a young adult or it's what their life has succumbed to due to circumstance not knowing how to be better. When in reality, they are so stuck in not knowing what is right anymore or if they truly knew what was right... they do what they think everyone else wants for them, not what really sits true in their heart, unless they are a narcissist. Who wants permanency anyway? It means boredom, stability and in some cases abuse, fear and an unadventurous life. There is no certainty in marriage anymore, there is no truth in politics anymore, there isn't even fairness in sport anymore. If we didn't have change and get outside our comfort zone we wouldn't know what we are made of and what truly is better out there for us.

Permanency is possible... but you might as well die if you have nothing new to live for.