A Pain in the Back

Since I was 16 years old, I have had this excruciating pain that feels like it swells my internal organs against my rib cage and my spine making it impossible to lie down, have the strength to sit up or even comfortable to stand up and walk around. When I first started getting it, it would last 4-5 days and would normally turn up at the start of school holidays or the start of school term... almost like it was a change of pace that brought it on. Now, I've noticed that it happens when I'm overly stressed about something and the thing that stressed me has disappeared, which makes it worse, because you want to relax and you just can't because you're in so much pain, but sometimes it just appears out of nowhere.

When I was 16, my doctor recommended me to an infectious diseases specialist - he thought it might be a Vitamin C deficiency, which was weird, as the acid in orange juice used to make it worse. But it was also hard, because you usually had to wait 4-6 weeks to see a specialist, and when I eventually saw him, the pain had disappeared, so he really had no idea what was going on.

After I left home at 18, I would book into see my doctor, but then she would have a wait list of 4-7 days, so again, she couldn't put a finger on it either. So it was paramount, that once it started happening, I needed to see a doctor then and now.

I remember when I was about 24, and it was happening, so my doctor recommended I see a naturopath. For 6 months, I took 8-10 pills a day of different types of natural remedies, but nothing seem to treat what was actually going on, and the aches would still come back.

I cut out coffee in my life just before I became pregnant with my first son, as caffeine seemed to really trigger it off at least every couple of weeks, yet it still seemed to come back, luckily not as frequently as every two weeks.

In my late 20s, I remember having an ultrasound for gall stones, but again, nothing showed up. By then, I had worked out that 2 cups of peppermint tea helped, heat bags, massage and hot showers worked wonders for a temporary fix, yet any type of pain killer did nothing.

By my mid 30s, I had been to an osteopath, had plenty of remedial massages, went to a physiotherapist for about 6 months, even a hypnotherapist and yoga to ease the stress in my life, but nothing seemed to make any difference, besides give me temporary, but not complete relief. I went back to my normal doctor, and after years of research and experience, she thought it might be an overactive rectus abdominal muscle putting pressure on everything. She recommended I go get some dry needling done. And you guessed it, it didn't make a difference.

I even was with a friend who is a doctor when it happened once, and he thought it was a gastric-acid problem and that I essentially needed to stretch out to allow any 'wind' to pass through me to ease the pain...  but again, it helped, but it was short lived.

So now, as I've started taking my boys to a chiropractor for their nagging ailments and I'm seeing that there is actually some positive results coming from their concerns, why not see if he can help me. As I had a re-occurence on Saturday night that made it impossible to sleep, I asked him yesterday if he could help me. I still had a dull ache under my ribcage, and he prodded at my spine seeing where he could identify my aches, and he got every one of them. He said it was pretty bad, and after all these years, he told me to get a spinal x-ray done immediately. For the number of times I had told a doctor or someone in the medical profession that it feels like something's putting pressure on my rib cage and spine, why had no one suggested I get a spinal x-ray before?  It just seems so obvious, doesn't it?

Anyway, I'm off to the chiropractor to get my back cracked and any other adjustments he sees fit, to hopefully find an answer to what has been going on. I have a bag full of x-rays (I think I had about 8 done), so hopefully he can see something and it's not a figment of my imagination. I think I have been patient, don't you think? ;)

Seeing through the Obstacles to Find the Clarity

Why is it so hard to make a decision sometimes? Is it the conscious effort to appease everyone? Is it that you're not accepting that things need to change? Is it the unknown? Is it holding onto the memories? I'm not talking about the everyday decisions, like do I go to the shops now before it starts raining, or tie it into picking the kids up from school, I'm talking about the huge monumental life changing decisions that effectively change the path that you are either stagnant on or most likely going backwards on.

But most find, once they have made that decision to make the change, the universe opens up, embraces that change, and life start to work for you, instead of against you.

So what are the obstacles that keep you on the path of torture and sorrow? Are they materialistic things - cars, a house, jewellery, collectables, shoes - things that show status and power, but don't necessarily keep us happy? Are they people - people making you feel guilty about how you live your life because it a) doesn't include them, b) goes against how they would live their life,  c) or a big dollop of judgement? Are they events that you can't control - a child with a disorder or illness, a government that can't assist you, a natural disaster? You need to pin point all the obstacles in your life that stop you from moving on with your life and finding happiness.

It may sound simple, but I know it's not. And most of us get torn between being happy with the 'known' and scared about the 'unknown' - the better the devil you know scenario. And I hear it time and time again in my day job - people staying with each other for 30 or more years for the sake of the children, for the sake of knowing what each day will be like (sad and uneventful), for the terror of not knowing what's on the other side. And most have heard horror stories of bitter divorces, children not wanting to be with one parent over the other, the joys of continuing a parenting relationship with the person that they consciously didn't want to be with any more, and think it's all too hard.

But the cleansing is so much more rewarding. Lifting the baggage off your shoulders, realising and releasing the tension that other person/people put on you, finding out who you are as an individual again, living without the constant animosity and burden of trying to appease the other person while not considering your own thoughts and desires. And most the time we don't realise how much pain the person or things actually affect our own health. For instance, the day my husband went away to work I was 100kgs, riddled with years of dermatitis on my right hand, so much so that putting it in dish-water would crack my skin on my hand that it bled, stung and it hurt so much I struggled to bend my fingers, the tension in my shoulders and neck was excruciating that it caused headaches and constant trips to the osteopath, and I thought it was all to do with my workload, being a mum and getting older. But once he left, it all went away... I lost 22kgs in 6 months, my dermatitis disappeared and my headaches and my neck/shoulder pain left. Who would know that one person could cause so much physical damage through mental and emotional means? And my son also benefited from him leaving, never to wet the bed again.

It was our start to a happily life for me and my boys, but we know more needs to be done. The decision has been made and the clarity is coming. We can feel it, it's now just time. We've identified the obstacles and we're doing what we can to either remove them or put them to the side so we can find the path to brighter future. It's understanding who has the control in your life.

If I can do it, you can too... do it for yourself, your kids and your wellbeing.