Trick or Treat!

Halloween is becoming more popular in Australia, and every year, my boys ask if they can go 'Trick or Treating', and generally because it's my busy time of year with work, it's always a last minute decision if we can go or not. Of course, they want to Trick or Treat with friends, so last minute call ups to friend's parents are not ideal, as other arrangements for their children have already been made, or they aren't going, so it makes it really hard for my kids.

So this year was no different... I told them this morning that if I finish my work before they come home from school, then we can call around, see if anyone has organised something, then go to the $2 shop and get their costumes. It was all in the timing and luckily I had 5 minutes of work to finish when they got home at 3.50pm, shops close generally around 5pm to get the costume, but we had to make sure we could tag along with others, as it's our first time, we didn't know which houses to approach. But then my boys were too interesting the the TV when they got home from school, and not in the event they had been nagging me for a month. So I nagged them back! "IF YOU WANT TO GO TRICK OR TREATING, WE HAVE TO GO TO THE SHOPS NOW!!!" But as none of their friend's parents had returned my calls or some had pre-arranged to go with other kids, their interest had waned.

At 4.15pm I get a call from my 9 year old's friend's mum saying that they are going, but not till about 6.30pm, I said that's fine, I'll just see if I can get them off the couch to buy a costume. As soon as I said that they could go with someone, they jumped off and we went shopping.

We got to the shops, and as it was already Halloween, most the costumes were gone. There were a few masks, and plenty of accessories, but of course, the ones they had seen in the window were not in their size or were sold out. So another painful excursion to eventually get some pumpkin masks, a knife, some fake blood, some oversized t-shirts to destroy if they wanted to and they were set. (as you can see, I was rather over-tired myself, as I'd been working since 4.30am, and was at that point of being deliriously tired!)

We went home and set up ready to go by about 5.30pm. I suggested to the boys that we go down to one of the local shopping strips, as they were having a Trick or Treat event in some participating shops. They agree to go down, even though I said we might be a bit late, as a lot of the shops would have shut for the night. We arrived, and there were still plenty of kids in witches costumes, and ghost masks walking down the street, but not many shops with 'treats' to share. However, the further down the street we went, the more we realised that the event was a success, as the boutique ice-cream shop gave away 700 ice-creams, and they were sold out. We saw some of the boys friends, and there were some parents with bowls of treats just to keep the momentum going, but otherwise the shops seemed to be exhausted by the on-rush of costumed-tikes going up and down the street.

I decided to rush home and get our bowl of goodies to hand out to kids in the street, as I knew that our bowl would remain full if we kept it at home. We arrived at my son's friend's house and bumped into our old neighbours. A few more families joined in with children ranging from 5 years old up to 11 years old, and the adventure was on. They knocked on doors with signs out the front, and their eagerness knocked on doors without signs too! My boys mood definitely changed from grumble bums to avid souls doing everything we tell them not to do (knocking on strangers doors and accepting candy from strangers!) when it's not Halloween.

What was supposed to be only half an hour, turned into almost an hour and a half. And the more houses we knocked on, the more joined our group of trick or treaters. In the end, it was a fun night of kids being kids.

Anyway, here a re few pics of the night! Happy Halloween!

Blind Faith

We all have spiritual beliefs... some rely on religion to get them through the day, some believe in the universe and all that come from the stars, planets and time, and some turn to ancient predictions like those of Nostradamus, psychics and mediums who can talk to the deceased. But in essence, it is all blind faith. Faith in something outside ourselves that gives us hope.

In essence, 'blind faith' is a concept that makes us want to look into the future, and doesn't concentrate on the 'now.' And by doing this, we all seem to want something that we can't have, which for some can  bring us down and make us vulnerable, but for others it can make us proactive, and literally do everything we can to achieve our heart's greatest desires.

No one really knows what the future holds, even if we talk to psychics, have our own premonitions, or get a message from God... no one really knows. We all know that Nostradamus predicted that 2012 was the end of life on this earth, and with the number of natural disasters happening this year, you wonder if there is reality to any of it and if we will actually see 2013, but no one is really preparing for the end now that we are here... With Hurricane Sandy on the edge of the East Coast of the US as we speak and building rather than subsiding, it truly is frightening knowing that the major business and political sector of this world could literally be under water in a matter of hours. But then, somehow, as a global population, we re-adjust and make the world a safer, more compassionate place once we have all been hit with some type of human tragedy or disaster.

So why do we look outside ourselves and not within ourselves to find a place of peace, happiness and prosperity? Why are so many people not happy within their own skin and place blame on others, or even God for not being able to find internal happiness? And why do with rely so much on other people giving us that sense of happiness and peace within ourselves when we should be able to find that by ourselves? It's a complex argument, as there are so many differing factors that make us who we are, and circumstances also shape who we are, but if we can drop all that emotional baggage and look for the simple happiness that we can enjoy every day, then maybe, just maybe, we can find the strength to believe in our own abilities more and forget about the external energies that drag us back...

The reality is, if we can enjoy the simple pleasures - driving in the car singing the songs off the radio, walking in the sunshine, the joys of giving your children a hug or them asking you a question, feeling the rain on our skin, indulging in a book, catching up with friends, tasting the flavour in food, appreciating your nakedness and even the joy of waking up in the morning, then from these positive actions and appreciating their positive nature, we can build on those positives to bring bigger happinesses and opportunities to your life. And those happinesses and opportunities aren't necessarily those happinesses and opportunities that you have stuck in your mind... they could be completely different, and that's why it's so important to live in the 'now' than the future or the past.

I'm not suggesting that we can't have ambitions, but more enjoy the ride... enjoy the smaller things in life that give us happiness and not put pressures on ourselves that were set 20, 30 or 40 years ago because that's what we always dreamed to have had and haven't happened. If we live the life that is given to us, and not rely on the 'blind faith' of an outside force, work on the challenges that are presented to us so that they don't impact us with negativity, then somehow our lives can be even better than we dreamed.

Humans by nature, put extreme pressures on ourselves, and sometimes on each other to achieve something that simply aren't what was going to happen in our lives. But if we can look into ourselves, and stop placing judgement on each other and respect each other's lives and decisions, show compassion to every living thing, find the truth within ourselves and stop pretending to be someone else, then maybe, just maybe, we can have a world where we can find harmony and happiness without relying on 'blind faith.'

Calling for Mr Right!

There's a radio program at the moment looking for Melbourne's Mr Right. And it got me thinking... how can we all have the same Mr Right?

OK... so he has to be handsome, absolutely in love with us, have a good sense of humour, helps around the house, a good provider, good with money and if you've got kids - takes on all the parental responsibilities and loves them as you do... but how about all the other stuff?

What about your attitudes in life? Does he have to have a strong work ethic? Would you mind if he worked too much? Is it OK to have different spiritual beliefs? Do you have to have compatible upbringings? Do you have to be compatible in the bedroom, that is, is it OK for him to be kinky where you're conservative, can you be swayed over? Do you have to have the same attitude to money - will it be OK for him to like the finer things in life while you like the practical? Is it OK to put his mother on a pedestal while you live up to those standards? My list could go on... but are women out there hoping to find someone who ticks all the boxes and not happy with just the main ones?

Most of us settle... settle for Mr Right Now, not Mr Right... because finding our perfect man is almost unachievable. And when we have kids to think about as single parents, it's almost impossible to find someone who you can trust enough to invite into your home and be a family with them as well. Trust is a big issue... most single mums choose to either have a sex life hidden from their children, others choose not to have one at all until they are comfortable enough with someone they've met to introduce them to their children. And really, in most cases, the ones who are happy to take on our baggage, happy to be inviting into our lop-sided families, are the keepers because they have taken on all of you as part of who you are.

But they are rare... rare to find, rare because they may have their own baggage and you fight over who's baggage is more important... or they are enjoying their own sense of freedom now that they have separated/divorced from their ex-spouses and don't want to take on more.

And then there is the other type of Mr Right... the Mr Right who ticks every single box in your eyes, heart and soul, as you do to him, but he's not prepared to make the sacrifices that you do to continue your relationship... because of his insecurities and inability to accept change in his life. And that's what breaks your heart. Because you know you are right for each other, you know you can make it work, but it all seems too hard for him because he's lived his life the way he has for so many years, and can't make the readjustment. If it's meant to be, it will be...

So to have a radio competition to find a collective city's Mr Right, is probably not a perfect scenario... and it's interesting how many of the nominations are already married men. So if he is so rightfully Mr Right, then no one else can have him... which in effect makes you think, what's the point?!

Cheating Part Two!

I had a very interesting conversation today with an orthodox Jewish man who seemed to be in his mid 60s, a doctor and is someone who is trying to instil a new concept in school children about living in the moment by having educational classes for them about being 'present' in their lives, and not worrying so much about the past or the future. He says that he writes blogs and has a website, so he's very passionate about his teachings and inspiration. So I told him about my blog, and how I wrote a blog about 'cheating' yesterday... and he had some very interesting things to say.

As part of my job, I walked through his home... his house was full of Hebrew texts, he touched each Mezuzah as he walked through all the doorways, he quoted scriptures from the Torah, had the traditional Kosher kitchen with the two dishwashers, two sinks, two stovetops, etc, the back porch set up for Sukkot, he rode a bicycle to and from work as part of this religious holiday season, he had his full beard that was not groomed and tipped the midst of his chest and he wore his yarmulke... he was an authentic as they get.

As part of his educational classes, he was also involved with classes for adults. He recalled one where he was involved and there was a lecturer talking to the audience about 'love', and how to rekindle your spark when things are down. The audience felt inspired after the lecture, but some realised that their wedded partner was not giving them the spark that they once had. The lecturer and his wife decided to sit down and have a conversation with another married couple and my Jewish friend was part of it as a casual observer. He observed the woman from the audience, and she decided there and then to tell her husband after 32 years of marriage that she was no longer in love with him. This came as a shock to him, because he dearly loved his wife. The lecturer told the couple that it was OK for them to not be in love with each other, as long as they still loved each other as companions and for the memories they have together. Then as the lecturer had seen this courage from the woman, he told his wife that he was actually in love with another woman... all in front of this small group of people. Again, shock! She was devastated as she was totally in love with her husband - so proud of him in his achievements, and loved being his wife. He then took the hand of the woman from the audience and said that he was in love with her! This astounded both the betrayed wife of the lecturer and the husband of the other woman, as they had no idea that either had been cheating on them. He then announced that they had made a decision together... that all four of them should live under the one roof as two married couples with 'outside interests' so it didn't hurt their family units. It took a few days to agree with it all, but the couples decided to move in together. The cheating couple suggested to their spouses that they should try being together, but they just couldn't see it working for them. After six months of their spouses hearing the grunts of 'humping' (as my Jewish friend said!), both the betrayed wife and the betrayed husband decided that the house wasn't for them. The wife told her husband that she still loved him but it was time for her to find someone to fall in love with her again, and left. The husband told her wife that he wanted to sail around the world, and he too left, just like Noah did with his ark of animals - escaped from all that he knew to start a new life.

But then my Jewish friend said something that took me quite aback... he said we all should have two wives - one for the household business and one to be passionate with. However, he never really went into the detail of if he had actually been in that position...

I guess, from all the talks I have with people, all the information people freely give me, if we are religious or not, we all have ways of going about our personal affairs. Most people are traditionalists, or at least start out as traditionalists - one man, one woman, one marriage. But the reality of life is, that most will stray from that traditional formula - the fairytale life that we all imagine our lives will be like. Some are strong and believe that their spouse doesn't deserve to be treated with such disrespect, knowing that they had broken their vows and end their marriage... others hold onto something and try to repair their marriage, others are too weak to succumb to change so they continue to live a life of lies, spitefulness, distrust and disharmony in complete unhappiness.

But as people on the outside, who are we to judge? Yes we have our own sets of morals and ethics, but who are we to impose those on others? We don't have to agree with what's being said, and we certainly don't have to adapt our lives to something we are not comfortable with, but if someone chooses to tell you about something that they have done, something that they enjoy, something that they aren't sure about, or simply something that's on their mind, you should accept that it took courage for your friend, acquaintance, relative or complete stranger to own up to their thoughts or reality and confide in you, and just support them in whatever they choose to do in their lives, no matter if you agree with it or not.

Cheating...

What is cheating? Is cheating being involved with a married person who is separated from their spouse or do they have to wait until the divorce goes through before they are freed from adultery? Or is cheating only when a couple commit to each other in an exclusive relationship and covertly stray outside of that relationship? Is cheating sharing explicit texts or emails of your private parts? Or is it casual flirting in the office? Is it a lingering kiss that just shouldn't have happened, but you really wanted to, or is it the 'Monica Lewinsky,' where oral sex isn't considered cheating?

I have had friends and colleagues who have been involved from both ends - being cheated on and being the cheater, or even being the one who is free to be with whomever they like and they chose to be involved with a married person, and really, for anyone to judge in this mad mad world of high stress living, is just unacceptable. Essentially, people cheat because they want to feel loved and wanted... (and there will be a small percentage who do it 'just to see if they can get away with it.')

The statistics are quite amazing... approximately 50-65% of men under the age of 40 will admit that they have had an extramarital affair and 45-55% of women under the age of 40 will admit to having an extramarital affair. However the statistics show that they have reason to believe that it could be as high as 70% of married people have affairs in their married life, but some just chose not to admit. There was also a survey of 300 Christian pastors where 23% of them admitted to having an extramarital affair in their married life. That's 69 pastors, who devote themselves to the Faith of God, and use it to gain forgiveness for their sins. Who knows how many of them have been involved with child molestation?

So where do we draw the line? Do we accept that there are no reasons for our marital vows if so many people are having flings behind their spouses back? Do we change the marital vows to state something in the order of financially supporting each other, emotionally supporting each other and creating a family bond with each other knowing full well that there is more than a 50/50 chance that either one or both of you will step outside your marital bond and betray each other in an outside intimate relationship, so there is no point in including a fidelity clause?

I know we all step into marriage with the fairytale thoughts of 'this person is the only one for me,' but things change - financial pressures, children, domestic responsibilities, work responsibilities and extended family responsibilities... some have additional responsibilities beyond all of it, including looking after children or family members with special needs, having domestic violence issues, having their own health problems or even something traumatic like a car accident or a death in the family. No one is an island... we all have a plethora of issues going on in our lives that most people aren't aware of. And unless you communicate honestly with your spouse, have intimate times with your spouse that's beyond the 5 minute quickie before you go to sleep, affairs are going to happen. People want the romance, people want the date nights, people want to feel ALIVE!!! And if your relationship is stale, routine and either your or your spouse are feeling totally used, unappreciated or are going through a spat of depression, and neither of you communication your concerns, your relationship as you dreamed it when you were married will fall flat on its feet.

The law has changed in many countries to not cite adultery as a reason for divorce - in fact many states and territories all over the world issue out only 'no-fault divorces.' It changed back in 1970... before then, one in three divorces were because of adultery... I'm sure it's more now but the statistics aren't there to prove it. However, the consensus is that 60% of all marriages will be affected by adultery - if it's a one night stand or a long term affair.... it happened. So why are so many people shocked by the fact that they were cheated on? They should be more shocked that their marriage stood the test of time and that neither of them felt the need to cheat on each other because their love for each other was so true! But if there was cheating, didn't they feel at some point in their marriage or relationship that something wasn't quite right? That they were fighting unnecessarily or they weren't on the same wavelength with each other? That there were some mystery behind some actions, or the lying was constant?

I'm not saying I condone it or that I disagree with it... what I'm saying is don't be so surprised if it happens to you at some point in your life. I know it's not nice when it happens, I know it can literally destroy who you thought you were as an individual and as a couple. I know trust gets lost and is hard to rebuild, and I know life can be so painful because of it... but if you don't communicate with your partner properly, it's more likely going to happen than not. Cheating is not the end of the world... it makes you grow stronger and makes you gain clarity in what you want in life... We are all going to be hurt by cheating at some point in our life - if it's not us individually, it will be a family member like your son's wife, your daughter's husband or even your own parents. Accept it as a part of life and learn to move on from it...

Statistics Reference: http://hfbcshrinkwrap.wordpress.com/2007/12/23/adultery-statisitics/

Respect...

It's a funny word 'respect.' It's a word that has a little bit of selfishness in it. You ask someone to respect your feelings, your actions, your words, even if it's against their morals, way of thinking or inner strength. It's supposed to be a word that shows that you're non-judgmental on what the other person is doing or saying, but then if you do or say things that are against the other person, then in essence, you are disrespecting the other person.

So, in this world of selfishness and self-centredness, does 'respect' exist? Some say that if you respect yourself, others will respect you too... but is that true? For instance, I am dedicated to my boys, no doubt, and I will not introduce a man into their lives to be a part of my life unless I am totally sure about that man. And most men accept that, supposedly respecting that. But on the sly, they will send me secret messages via text, email or Facebook trying to get me out of my comfort zone with my boys to have an hour of carnal activity, and I'm not interested. They don't have any respect for me, my wishes or my responsibilities. They just want to have a little fun.

But in saying that, am I disrespecting them by not communicating with them they way they want me to? Hmmm.. let me think about that a little more... NO!!! If they truly wanted to have a life with me or even have a piece of me, they would be wooing me with romance, not text messages saying how they like the way my tits look.

To be honest, most men repulse me at the moment. I know I have an open honest way of talking about sex, life and how I see things, but really, if you can handle my honesty, you can give me your respect.

I try so hard to think of my readers or audience, as as a writer, you think about what your audience wants to hear... and that's in every conversation I have, every blog I write, every email I send... I try to put myself in my audience's shoes to give them some levity, some advice, some heart or some love... anything to make them feel better because they know me... but I'm afraid, not much is returned... and you just wonder why there is such a whole world of selfishness out there and not much respect.

Cultural differences and marriage in the 21st Century

I had a few chats with people this morning about how life and family is looked at in this day and age.

The first conversation was with a Greek man who has been with his wife for 20 years, married 16 of those years, and they didn't move out of home from the parent's nest until their wedding day. He always picked her up to go on a date, and dropped her home, even though she lived about 25kms away from where he lived. His mother even suggested to her parents that it would be silly for him to drop her off back to her place when it was late at night, but he didn't want a bar of it. He wanted to treat her with respect and wait till their wedding night. However, his mother had drilled into him from early on that he will sleep with many women in his time, but never sleep with the woman who will be your wife... treat her with respect. So he treated her with respect in one way, but I'm sure he was playing up behind her back before they were married, as boys do....

But one thing which he mentioned that made me stand back, was that he knows that when he married his wife they were compatible, and he is thankful that they are still compatible, but he doesn't know in 10 years or 20 years time if their ideas in life will change and they want different things, so he lives for the moment, not for living a life together to grow old together. And I think, in today's day and age, that is an extremely healthy attitude to have. Many couples 'vow' that they will be together 'till death do us part,' but in fact the constant fighting, anguish, financial hardship, different parental points of view, and heartache could actually be the death of their relationship or an actual spouse. If you don't set high expectations in your marriage, and enjoy each day for what it is rather than counting up the years, you can never be disappointed when things get awkward. Those couples struggle with the fact that they said the vow of 'till death do us part' but can't cope with actually being together. It's just so sad....

We talked about, as we were both parents, what our living expectations of our children will be when they are adults. I said that I now treat my boys as part of a team... we all help each other. If it's homework, housework, getting meals ready, putting out rubbish... we all help each other. And I want to instil that into them so that when they do become adults, it's not a rude awakening of taking on some of the responsibility. I know in my heart that no matter what, there will be a roof over my boys' head if they need one. I envisage a life where we are all travelling, separately or together and come back to the same home whenever we feel the need. I know that we will all contribute to the running of that home, depending on our time there, and if ever my boys get married, and they can't afford a home of their own, it wouldn't be any trouble for them to live under my roof - with or without children, because they are my boys. In some ways, this way of life is getting back to the roots of how life is in many third world villages, European homes and Asian countries - families sticking together and helping each other out.

There is a westernised expectation that we can stand on our own two feet and be independent, but the cost of living is overwhelming for some and they just can't afford it. Which leads me to the second conversation I had today, about the number of divorces happening out there, due to financial hardship. So many people are living beyond their means and are literally living a life of debt. Divorce makes it even harder, as now you need to have two homes, with two different sets of everything for the children. But people in general, prefer to be happy than stagnant and miserable. They choose to be the master of their destination than be pulled back by something that's not working. Some are choosing to stay in their marriage until their children are adults, knowing that they get 50/50 of the split, but also, because their own parents are dying and leaving a Will to them (and they want to make sure they are financially separated before their parents die), so that even if they get 50/50 from their divorce, they will soon also get a proportion of their parental inheritance which will help them move forward more easily. It is a very calculating time for some who work out their exact moves. It is said, that many women plan for years in their mind of how they will leave their husbands - setting up separate bank accounts, putting away secret funds, working out what type of home they will live in, etc. But some, like me, just say enough is enough and can no longer live in that existence.

For me, I am all for independence, however I am also all for being there for my boys. While you are alive, you always want them to know that they can always count on you to be there for them, whenever they cry for help. After all, that's what parenting is all about.. once you become a parent, there is never a time in your life again that you can be selfish... whatever you do, it's for you and your kids.... but that's another blog isn't it? :)