Giving Something to Yourself This Christmas

As a single parent, it's normally a hard time of year financially and emotionally. You want to give the best to your kids even if you can't afford to give them the gifts you want to give them, and your kids are usually too young to think about buying you a present or making something for you on their own accord, and there is generally no other adult around to actually suggest it to them. So what do you do for yourself to make Christmas a little bit more festive, and make you feel less forgotten?

Give yourself some little pleasures....

Ask a friend to look after your children for a couple of hours so you can enjoy a chick-flick by yourself or a friend, rather than seeing the latest Pixar or Dreamworks movie.

Put some new batteries in your sex toy to give yourself a little bit more of a 'buzz' this Christmas.

Wrap up a couple of items you need to replace - lipstick, mascara, a new scarf, or even something small you don't need to replace but would like to have in your home.

Make a nice breakfast for Christmas morning... waffles with berries, eggs benedict, just something you wouldn't normally do.

Give your children the joy of handing out the presents, so you feel like you are getting something from them when you hide your gifts under the tree.

Put a Christmas card in the letterbox of someone you'd like a date with... a Dad from school, a neighbour, or your sister's single friend... who knows, you might get lucky!

Watch your favourite movie cuddled up under a duvet with a cup of hot chocolate (with a hint of your favourite liqueur) and a box of chocolates.

Whatever it is, spoil yourself, make yourself feel good about yourself and reward yourself for being a great single mum or dad. BECAUSE YOU ARE!!! Who knows... you might actually be praised by others for all your tireless efforts in being a single parent, but if you don't, at least you've done something for yourself to make Christmas special.

Flashing Fences and Fairy Lights

Tonight, the boys and I went 'street stalking' for homes dressed in all the festive cheer. In previous years, we've seen the hours lining up along Beach Road with all their shimmer and light, but this time, we thought we would discover a couple of hidden secrets. A scanned the internet and some Facebook recommendations from friends to see what was around locally. I had no idea that people actually jumped out of their cars, were allowed to roam around the front gardens of these home and enjoy the beautiful displays of lights, blow up Santas and Christmas trees and painstaking effort some people put into creating these illuminating marvels, but it's nice to see the Christmas spirit is alive amongst the community.

For the locals, we started in Park Road Cheltenham... the one and only place where I forgot to take my camera (sorry). We then drove along Blamey Street in Bentleigh East, turned right into one of the side streets and found a swarm of cars lined up to get into Gladesville Drive... and this is where we got out and took most of our photos.

This house looked like it had fireworks going off around it.

This house was the Taj Mahal of lights where everyone was gathered around and they even had a Santa handing out candy canes to the kids.

 There was even a doggy dressed in lights :)

The tropical Christmas night garden.

It was a nice break from our heavy duty cleaning day I told you about yesterday (yay! It's all done... cleaned out the boy's cupboards, the fridge, 4 loads of washing, cleaned windows, 3 dishwasher loads - one due to unmentionables in the fridge), plenty of vacuuming, cleaned out the boys school bags so they are ready for next year, dusting and throwing stuff away... let's see how long it stays that way!). 

The weather was perfect for a night time stroll (it's going to be 39 degrees Celsius tomorrow, so we're primed for some pre-Christmas heat). Who knows what the day will bring us!

Happy weekend :)

The Last Day of School

Help!! It's school holidays! Time to spend every waking moment with the kids for us, it's one day off six weeks. It's a little bittersweet, as I actually have time off to spend with my boys in the first half of the holidays, but work is already making itself known on January 8th.

So what are the plans? Today, they finish school at 1.30pm. I said I will take them out for lunch as an end of school treat. I'm sure there will be bickering about where we go, but I have a feeling a trek back to St Kilda might be on the cards. We are having Christmas drinks at a friend's house tonight and have been asked to take a plate, so I've decided to do camembert, quince paste & pear kebabs for the adults, and marshmallows, chocolate & strawberry kebabs for the kids (and I'm sure the kids at heart!).

Tomorrow is the big clean up day... sort out clothes in the cupboards that don't fit anymore, wash the sheets, vacuum, clean out the fridge and everything to make the place perfect for the beginning of the holidays.

Christmas Eve is traditionally a day the boys spend with their father... they are very apprehensive about going, something I've organised with their aunts as the boys don't want to be in his care, but want to see their cousins. I discovered a rash under my oldest son's armpits last night that he tells me stings, which I'm sure is nerves/stress about seeing him for the first time in 3.5 months. If he's like his mother, who's prone to stress related skin rashes (so much so that when I was married, my right hand couldn't even cope with touching water as it was so dry, it would crack and bleed constantly, and my skin was so sore it was impossible to bend my fingers, and no topical treatment would help), it wouldn't surprise me if this rash appearing now is due to spending time with his father.

Christmas Day is at my parent's place this year. We have an extra three family members attending this year (as two were in post-natal care in hospital last year, and one wasn't born), so it should be good with so much more wrapping paper to play with.

Then it will be a relaxing time off of enjoying our bikes, the beach, hopefully finishing my book (I've made more progress... up to 68,000 words now), maybe a day trip or two into the country, catch up with friends and I'm sure the boys will be indulging in their Christmas presents.

In the second week of January, work starts up again and I've booked the boys into a Cartoon Camp for 3 days, which they are very excited about (as am I, so I can have 3 days of silence!). Then they have almost 3 weeks left of holidays before my oldest starts his last year of primary school and my youngest works out that he only has a year left of having his big brother around to look after him in the school ground.

I've said to both of them that they have to do some homework every day to make sure they stay on top of things, as my oldest will sit for a couple of scholarships/entrance exams early in the new year, and my youngest, with his learning disabilities just needs to not fall behind, as he does so much over such an extended break from school.

I've told them that I don't want to hear the words 'I'm bored' anymore, as they will have plenty to do inside and outside, and we will be limiting TV watching so they can enjoy the sun.

So that's the plan... hope it works for all of us and there isn't much fighting or frustration. But all in all, I get the best hugs from my boys and the most beautiful smiles from them almost every day to show me that they are happy, healthy and enjoying life with me. That's all I can ask for.... hope I feel the same by the time the last day of the holidays comes around :)

Positive Friends

There are three outstanding people in my adult life, who, no matter what, see the positives in whatever is presented to them.

One of my friends lost her mum last week.... she'd been the primary carer for her for the past 4.5 years, and she sees herself as being so lucky that she had a beautiful mum, a loving relationship with her and that her mum was such an inspiration to others. She is a single mum who just so happened to have lost her boyfriend the day her mum died for his own reasons, but she did whatever she could do to put her energies into finalising her mum's life. Her 14 year old son, is in an accelerated program at school, and on the same day as her mother's funeral, she attended his award's ceremony, where he received an award for the most outstanding academic achievement for his year level. He beat the odds where he is self-motivated, dedicated to his studies, but still has time to be a kid - he skate boards everywhere, has a great group of friends, plays video games, even makes his mum a cup of tea because she thinks she needs one... an unbelievable kid, who's parents split five years ago, and somehow manages his life between both homes.

Another friend, was married in her late 30s and had her one and only child in her early forties. She laughs at the fact that her husband wants his big boy toys when all she's bought him for Christmas is a pair of board shorts and a packet of socks. She laughs when her husband buys her a birthday present, like a kayak or wetsuit that just happens to fit him, not her. She doesn't mind if things don't go to plan... she's very cruisy, always thinking of others and is constantly smiling.

Then my dearest friend, has had a few years of the most unfortunate events in her life that just seem to be continuing. For most, they would have committed suicide, broken a law, done something to change the direction of life because the life she lives is just so unforgiving, but she keeps going on. Her latest crisis is more personal and somehow she sees it as being a relief than a heartache. It's a relief because at least she wasn't feeling like her mind was going insane and something really 'is' happening. No matter what, she just keeps soldiering on.

But there is also a friend of a friend, who's been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer a little less than 2 years ago. She's had operation after operation and somehow remains positive, doing motivational talks, telling people how wonderful her life is due to the support of family and friends. She's doing everything she possibly can to fulfil her life, including getting married last month. But she knows her end is near, and even had a 'goodbye' party last weekend. She truly is an inspiration to so many.

So for all those who feel life, especially at this time of year, is getting too much for them, spare a thought for those who are going through so much more... Perspective is huge, and what personal crises we may be going through ourselves, are truly nothing to those who've lost a loved one or going through a personal health crisis... be thankful for what you've got and hug those who mean the most to you. Be in the moment and give so much love, and then you'll feel the energy change and you'll feel good about who you are and what you mean to so many.

Six Degrees of Mental Health

Over the last few days, while people all over the world debate about gun control, mental health issues or any other factors that could have possibly stopped Adam Lanza from shooting those innocent children and teachers, I've had debates of my own. I've been told that I'm 'condescending,' I 'have no clue' and essentially, I have no idea what I'm talking about by a few so-called friends.

So here's my chance to state my claim on what I know.

My way of debate is to open the conversation to all what ifs, buts and maybes. I like to question EVERYTHING. I look at all the available information and enjoy construction, educated banter with friends, colleagues and family who have the personal expertise or information to back themselves up, and I present information that I research and/or have had personally experienced or been involved with myself. I do not judge, name call and I try to be fair in all that I write and say. I am a writer, a researcher and I pride myself on looking at all angles to be as objective as possible before making comment, and MOST my comments are looking at the bigger picture, seeing an issue from a different angle and raising awareness, not being narrow-minded with what only a chosen few chose to present.

When the Connecticut tragedy first happened, I claimed that the failure in mental health assistance for Lanza was PART of the reason the tragedy happened. I did not discount that gun control had to happen in the US, and I fought like buggery between friends to say that we in Australia could not be immune to something like this happening in our backyard, let it be with guns, knifes, bombs or any weapon of mass destruction. I argued that there were 22 students stabbed in a school in China that same day the Connecticut tragedy happened, which went largely unnoticed, but even in our smallest sleepiest state of Tasmania this past weekend, a 9 year old girl witnessed her mother and her mother's partner being shot and killed by her mother's past lover. Yes, it wasn't a mass murder by the same degree of the Connecticut horror, but still, what nightmares this 9 year old girl will have over her life, as will the little girl who pretended to be dead when the rest of her class were shot dead in Connecticut, their lives and their mental wellness are ruined forever.

What most people don't know, is that I have been heavily involved and actively see the very heartache in families who are affected by children and family members with mental health concerns. If it's ADHD, Aspergers, Autism, learning disabilities or maniac depression, for the ones who work with these people every day and seek to find the positives in their lives, the chosen angels who help these kids, give them a label of confidence in who they should be... They are the 'exceptionally gifted.' Many of these children, and even adults who can't control their brain or conform to society, have exceptionally high IQs, are talented in so many fields, they just aren't accepted socially with their peers and in the education system, which can be so frustrating and heartbreaking for many parents, as I, myself, am one of those parents.

So for all those who think I pigeon hole people with mental illness, think again. I embrace them, I help them, I befriend them, I don't fear them... I listen to their daily struggles, I petition for more government funding, I write letters to Education ministers to give these kids a better chance to survive and not feel alienated. I fight with the schools who don't want to include my child in their national testing as they fear he will lower their performance standard. I do what I can to ensure these children are given the same right as every other child in our country to an education that suits their needs and their learning abilities.

I deal with self-esteem issues every day, where my child has been telling me for the last four years that he wants to kill himself. Can you imagine a five year old saying that to you? He hides from the world when nothing seems to make sense to him, or his friends alienate him. He struggles when his teacher puts him in a reading group with an Autistic child and a Korean girl who doesn't know English. He feels alienated. He can't cope with being abandoned. He draws pictures of him putting a gun to his father's head because of all the pain he goes through, as he believes, from his father's actions, lack of attention and words, that he doesn't care about him.

The thing is, I'm not the person who hides myself in committees trying to come up with some political solution to these problems, I'm at ground zero feeling the hurt and struggles these children go through like many parents. I will be their voice, not only for my child but for many others who follow.

I am lucky, that my child has found an outlet that he loves and gives him positive energy... he loves to draw. But I worry every day that the next ten years of his schooling, when he will most likely have the most amount of social interaction in his life, he will have some extremely low days with his self-esteem that he could do something to either harm himself or someone else. He knows I don't condone any type of violence with weapons. I refused to allow my children to have or play with anything that resembles a knife or gun, unless it's a brightly coloured water pistol, but who knows if by some chance, he may get hold of a weapon without my knowledge and cause some harm.

My son is the most loving child a mother could ask for. He doesn't have any stand out behavioural issues, so he doesn't get any government funding or help. I've had to do all the work myself in finding him the right tutor, psychologist, speech therapist and diagnostic tests to ensure he is getting the help he needs. But I can only do so much. At this stage, what he has is quite mild, but as someone kindly pointed out to me today, mental instability progressively gets stronger as hormones kick in and other social activities make them feel isolated and depressed. I know this... as I had a dear friend from primary school who had maniac depression, and killed himself a couple of weeks before his 21st birthday. If I can teach my son, that there is something out there for him, where he can use his exceptional gifts and talents to be the best he can be, and nurture those talents, then maybe, just maybe he will rise above the cream and be successful in his chosen field, without worrying about feeling socially isolated.

Mental health is a concern both here and in the United States, and possibly many other countries in this world (I just haven't seen the research to make that statement clearer). Our prisons are becoming institutions for those who the system can't help. Mental health assistance can't be just for those who can afford it, it needs to be for the broader community. Who knows where the money will come from to help these people, if the governments choose to do something, but maybe we should be helping our own, instead of helping other countries to the extent that we do. Charity starts at home... if only our governments can see it.

So for all my so-called friends who think I have 'no clue' about anything in this world if it's here or in the US, think again and stop judging, as you have never walked in my shoes, as I have never walked in yours, but at least I consider your situation, unlike you consider mine.

Which box to tick...

As a divorced single mum, it annoys me that there are 'marital status' boxes on forms. Some are simple - married/de facto or single. Others prod into other information which, quite frankly, is nobody's business.... divorced, separated, widowed, single parent... really why does it matter?

I can understand for Census information it helps with statistics, but when you're getting a loan, applying for a job, looking for a rental apartment, buying a car, going to a physiotherapist... why does it matter?

Does being divorced tell a bank that you can't afford to pay the loan, or does it suggest to the bank that you maybe getting alimony even if you have a job? Does being widowed assume that you received a large life insurance settlement when your spouse died? Does being a single parent make the property manager see you as a potential risk to the property because there is a stigma out there that single parents have unruly kids? Does 'separated' tell the form reader that there is the possibility of huge legal fees, so they are a risk? It's just so wrong, to generalise when every circumstance is different.

Everyone had a different ability to pay off a loan, pay their rent, apply for that amazing job... everyone get different levels of support from family, friends and neighbours with their children if they are married or not, so why should a marital status be important?

Would it matter if I ticked 'single' rather than 'divorced?' As I do fit under both umbrellas... If anyone can give me a valid reason why 'marital status' matters on ANY form, except gaining statistical information for the government, I think 'single' will be my status no matter what... after all 'Sex and the Divorced Mum' just doesn't have the same vitality, does it? ;)

Waking Up to Some Horrific News

We love our kids, no doubt. We would do anything for them... But when you wake up to see that there have been two school tragedies overnight on two sides of the world... one in Connecticut where 27 people were killed including 18 kindergarten students allegedly by their kindergarten teacher's 24 year old son, and the lesser known one in China where 22 school children were hurt, two seriously (thankfully not killed) by a knife-wielding man, you have to hug your children even harder tonight.

Before I read this news, I was going to write a blog about '8 hours of fun.' As last night, my boys and I watched a movie at home (at which my 9 year old fell asleep), and when he woke just after 7pm, I asked him if he wanted to go ten-pin bowling, which we hadn't done for ages. He pepped up and we went. We had two games, they had hot-dogs and chips while I had nachos, and I bought them some tokens for the arcade games. We left the bowling alley at about 9pm and decided that the night was still young, so we thought about what we could do. We went to the local ice-cream shop, but it was closed, then went to the mall, played a few more arcade games, sat down for some Churros and iced-chocolates, thought about going to TGIFs for some cocktails/mocktails but decided against it, then went to see 'Here Comes the Boom' at 11.20pm with Kevin James in the cinema. We had to wait an hour before we saw the movie, so we played I-Spy in the cinema foyer, which was quite hilarious. The movie finished at 1.20am, upon which my 11 year old fell asleep in it, but my 9 year old was still peppy. It was so nice to have both my boys (and me) in good spirits (which generally doesn't happen when we go bowling), but it was s fun night all round. (OK, so now I wrote part of the blog I was going to write).

In reflection, it makes you cherish those moments even more, as if today was our very last day, we all know that last night we enjoyed each other's company, we showed each other the love and compassion we have for each other, and we are grateful that we have these times together, because so many families miss out. And now, the families of those 18 children who have tragically died in Connecticut will never be able to have these precious moments with their children ever again. Their Christmas will be heart-breaking, every birthday will be a horrible reminder of what could be, and as Obama said, these children had their whole lives ahead of them - they will never have another birthday, graduate, get married, have their own children... some mad person angry at their mother, destroyed their lives, destroyed the lives of their loved ones and destroyed the soul of the community.

If you want to do anything this Christmas, give to charities like Save the Children, who do so much to help children who need our help either in third world countries or even on our own doorstep when they are confronted with poverty, lack of educational needs and tragedies like these ones. Know that you are blessed to have the wonderful children that you have, no matter if they are your own, your nieces and nephews or your neighbours, be thankful you can hear them laugh. And for that little part of happiness in your life, give something back to someone who hasn't.

RIP children of Sandy Hook Elementary School.