How Good are the Years?

I heard a story the other day about a couple who are teetering on the edge of a divorce. What holds them together is the number of 'years' they have been together... They marvel that they have stayed together for 30+ years, but the last 10 or more years have been with intense angst, ignorance of each other and living almost completely separate lives. They work in separate towns, they spend their time separately with their adult children and they don't sleep in the same bed if ever they are in the same house together.

Are the number of years spent together truly a testament to a happy marriage? Or is it a life sentence of Christian morality that is vowed 'till death do us part?'

He's been having an affair for a number of years now, of which his wife has just found out. After all the yelling and cursing at each other, he did admit to it, but she decided that he has a sex addiction and he needs psychological help to stop it. He told her that the affair was not only sexual, but emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual, even told her how much he loved the other woman. But she didn't want to know his feelings for the other woman, only told him that she would help him in any way to save their marriage... which is admirable in it's own way... but essentially, she needs to stay, as she couldn't survive financially.

The problem now lies in the fact that there is no trust between them. How do they rebuild that trust? They have to do extreme lifestyle changes, including changing jobs to always be at home together, traveling together, spending time with friends together, EVERYTHING together to rebuild their bond and marriage. But their needs are different... he's physically active, she's a home body and isn't able to do what she once could. He's actively involved with helping the community on a government level, she'll be caring for the grandchildren at a moment's notice. But is that what they both want? Are they prepared to lose the part of themselves that makes them individually happy to compromise and create a shared life again when they literally have nothing in common, except their children?

He's agreed to see a counsellor, possibly they both will. They both want to make it work, even though there will be a number of years of no trust, no affection and no real friendship between them as they go through the torture of what has happened.

I don't understand why people put themselves through this when they truly have out-grown each other. They can embrace the joyous times they had in the past, but move on independently to create a life of happiness individually. Who knows, they may get back together after all the hurt and sorrow is over when they meet again at one of their children's weddings, a grandchild's birthdays or other family occasion, but for now, to dig up what's not working and dwell on it, resent each other that they aren't in the same place right now and live under a dark cloud of unhappiness is not the answer.

We have one life... we all need to live it to the fullest. If someone doesn't complete you, then it's time to find what does. If it's time by yourself, if it's time with a new partner or if it's time with your children and grandchildren, then that's what you need to do. The number of years that have past aren't important, it's the number of years you have left in you to embrace life that are.

Setting New Sails...

It's now been five months now since I finalised my finances and divorce with my ex-husband and have had a yearning to make new tracks towards a brighter future. But those new tracks keep getting road blocks that stop me from doing what my heart craves to do. Is it karma? Is it the universe telling me 'not yet?' I just don't know, but none of how I live my life right now feels right, it's just what happens to be the 'responsible' thing to do.

I'm sure there are many people in this boat where their hearts want to be elsewhere, if it's on the other side of the world, if it's doing a different job, if it's helping out in a poverty-stricken community or being by a sick loved-one's side. We tend to give ourselves heavy financial burdens that stop us doing what our heart's dearly want to do... the place where we feel most at peace.

So for me, I unleashed all the financial burden, lightened the load so I could be free, but bureaucracy stopped me from pursuing my dream... Why? Because of archaic laws that allow illegal immigrants venture into a country for the pursuit of happiness, taking advantage of easy borders to cross and the public system that gives free education to all those who want it, which in turn stops those who are willing to pay their way in society, not be a burden on the public system and do the right thing by the country they choose to enter, not a chance to enter, ever again without a Visa. I was guilty before I even get a chance to try and prove that I would actually leave the country when my time was up... so I must sit and wait for the right opportunity to arise for me to be allowed into the so called 'land of the free.'

So as I sit and wait, I find new adventures close at hand. As we are currently living in inner city Melbourne, it's easy for us to walk down the street and find all sorts of international cuisines, interesting people and street-wise events. We have prostitutes standing on the corner of our street, an Aboriginal commune around the corner, and a mission sanctuary for homeless people up the street, so there are a few humbling things to show my boys what life can be like, but we also have vintage ware shops, a vibrant entertainment scene and some amazing parks. We went for a walk the other night to get some dinner, and the boys noticed a blue light in the park as we passed it. I explained to them that the blue light was to deter heroin addicts from shooting up in the children's park because they drop their syringes there, which makes it dangerous for children, and the blue light makes it hard for them to find their veins. So as we take some more eye-opening adventures, they are learning about some of the hardness in life.

The next major adventure is a trip to Fiji in a couple of weeks, but prior to that, we need to find a home to live in! Something we can call home for 12 months... It will be sad to leave St Kilda, because I love looking out the window seeing the night lights, the blue sea water and the ever-changing sky. But it's time to really settle down and start again...

The Alphabet Game

When I take my boys out for dinner, as all boys are, they get bored. So a few years back, I created the 'Alphabet Game.' What we do is, we choose a topic (topics are dependent on age group).. the topic could be 'foods we love,' 'car brands,' 'games to play,' 'types of animals.' Anything you like, then you go around in a circle, and each person has to come up with a 'thing' from that topic. As my boys get older, and get used to the game, they come up with some funny antics... for instance, today's topic was 'flavours.' This is how we went...

Starting with the 8 year old...
A = apple
B = banana (me)
C = cranberry (the 10 year old)... we piped up and said 'what about chocolate?'
D = dill
E = egg flip
F = flavour
G = grape
H = hot chilli
I = ice-cream flavour
J = jalapeno
K = kalamata olive flavour
L = lime
M = malt
N = nutty
O = orange
P = pie flavour (after the ASDF movie cartoons at the moment!)
Q = quince
R = raspberry
S = sarcasm! (yes, sarcasm has a flavour!)
T = turtle
U = urine (!?!)
V = vanilla
W = water flavour
X = xylophone (it tastes woody!)
Y = yak flavour
Z = zippy-de-doo-dah flavour

So as you can see, we have a bit of fun with it. We've done electronic games, countries, city names, what you'd find in an Italian restaurant, what you'd find in a Chinese restaurant, movies, actors, singers, bands, boys names, girls names,  cartoon characters, you name it, anything can be a topic... and for the little ones, you do tend to help them out.

It's a great game to expand their knowledge, but also keep them under control in a public place, especially when the food's taking it's time to get to them and they are hungry. They always come up with something and say 'oh can I do "P?"' because they have the most perfect word for the game, but we always say we'll wait and see who's turn it is when we get there. Some nights we might have three or four games on different subject matter.

So when you're stuck for keeping the kids quiet when you're out and about, try the Alphabet Game... it will keep your sanity at bay!!

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

I have a Facebook friend who has just written this as her status, possibly because she was angry with some of her fellow villagers who have chosen not to help with her step-son. So it got me thinking... in our modern day society of broken families, estranged aunts and uncles and elderly grandparents who really can't do much with their withering health, who is in the 'modern-day village?'

I guess we first need to define who the villagers are. I will use my own personal examples of who could be in my 'village' for my boys and I. There are grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, there is their father and all his siblings and his parents, but then their is our community.. generally the school community - teachers, friends' parents, friends, sports coaches and school crossing supervisors for a start, but then we can broaden that to shop assistants, police officers, bus drivers, etc. Every single person my children meet is someone who can teach my children something new. It maybe crossing the road more safely, tying their shoelaces a new way, teaching them a new way to peel an orange to make it more enjoyable... anything. Each person can contribute something valuable to my boys' lives.

The Africans came up with the 'proverb' "it takes a village to raise a child" and there are variations on a theme. Most suggest that even though a child has biological parents, they don't necessarily have to live in the same home as their parents. They are part of the village and any villager can take them in if they need a bed for the night or some food. It is a comforting thought isn't it? That your family is the community, not just your parents. It's liberating for parents and child, but our financial responsibilities and our selfishness in western society dictate our abilities and refine our responsibilities to who we bring into this world... as a HUGE generalisation (as I know many who don't).

So, in our first-world community, can we bring back these simple values into our community? Possibly not without legal contracts, financial expectations and changing our hectic lives. But if our 'village' is reduced only to blood relations of the child, then it should be possible. There are many loving families who would do anything for their grand-children or nieces and nephews, but unfortunately not all families are made that way. As a parent, sometimes you just need that time apart to clear your head to be a better parent, some family members see it, others ignore it.

For those families who ignore your need for help and defy the proverb, maybe it's time to move to Africa and get a little more love from the community! :)

The Varying Degrees of Single Parenthood

As a parent, most of us put our kids needs first. For instance, we wouldn't say to your 11 year old that he can't play his soccer match this week because you want to go out with some friends. Their timetable and their life dictates your life, and yes, you are the one who organised him to play soccer in the first place, and encouraged it, so you have to make sure that he gets to the game and watch it, so that you can be proud of his achievements, and be there when he gets an injury. It's what parents do.

But as a separated family, the responsibility of the planned activities for your children is usually left to the one parent and there is a stigma for the other parent to think that one parent is dictating, or controlling the lives of the children and the other parent doesn't want to be controlled by their ex-partner anymore, so they refuse to be involved.

Some families are lucky, and have amicable relationships with their ex-partners, share the costs of raising their children together, have equal time with their children, enabling each parent to have a life outside their family unit and are able to have a balanced life. Others, those who have their children 100% of the time, are generally given smaller support payments, have no physical support and have rare or no contact with their children's other parent. It's contact that becomes more intrusive than productive. But the parent who has the 100% custody has no life of their own as they spend all their time working to survive, take care of their children and the general housework/accounting needed to run a household. There's no spare money to hire a babysitter, not enough hours in the day to do everything and they wake up each morning to exist, not live. Most understand it's a temporary situation until their children are old enough to be more independent and maybe start contributing to the household financially, but others can't see any light.

Statistics show that 30% of single parents receive less than $150 per child per month from their children's non-custodial parent and around half of the children in separated families have less than monthly contact with their non-custodial parent. So essentially, 50% of the custodial parents are having no personal time, no social life and no support. Some of the custodial parents have families to fall back on, but there is a large percentage who don't, therefore don't have the time, effort or opportunity to find someone new in their lives or just enjoy their friends without their kids at their heels.

So when someone says they are a single parent, ask them how often they have their kids and how much support they get, and then show them as much compassion as they deserve... because single parents are the unsung heroes of this world, and they need to feel loved and appreciated too...

Source: http://www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/2f762f95845417aeca25706c00834efa/49d8fa47b11000caca2570ec00111f17!OpenDocument

Pashing!

I was listening to a radio discussion the other day about 'pashing.' French kissing, tongue locking, lustful kissing, and they were saying that 'passing' generally leaves a relationship after the first two years.

Now, the female radio announcers, who are about my age (late 30s, early 40s) agreed that the 'pash' had always left their relationships after the first two years... I just don't get it. Is it them? Or is it me? As 'pashing' is part of the intense love making experience that brings us to the foreplay stage, or right into the guts of hot passionate sex!

For me and my relationships, the passionate kiss never left the building, as the kiss is the most intimate part of the love-making experience. Maybe they were talking about 'pashing' without the sex part? Where you stand in the kitchen making dinner together, dip the wooden spoon in the pot to see if your tasty nightly offering is just right, then share it with your partner, and the closeness of the spoon to your mouth, and their head to you, engages the 'lean in' and his smouldering eyes bring you in closer to lock lips into the passionate kiss. Maybe that's the part that they are missing... but there are other occasions it can come to the party... stepping out of a steamy shower and noticing how hot your man is, cuddling up on the couch watching your favourite movie together, a night out at the cinema in the back row as if you were teenagers again.

And I don't think age is a barrier either. I used to 'pash' my 54 year old lover in public when we met at the airport, or had candlelit a la carte dinners in high class restaurants. If you truly love someone, are excited about being in their presence, and feel you can never get enough of them, the 'pash' should be part of your daily existence. It adds vitality to your relationship, knowing that you really can't embrace the day without your partner. A pash is like a 'happy pill' that keeps you tingling all day.

It's amazing, as before I first physically met my internet man, he was totally against public displays of affection, but then he met me, and was transformed! If people are embarrassed by seeing your outward love for each other, that's their problem - most likely stemmed from jealousy, as they aren't getting the same love and attention as you are.

I would love to hear other's views on 'pashing,' how much they are getting, if it has died from their relationship or if it's only when they have sex.

Gratitude

My year hasn't gone to plan so far. I keep getting kicked in the teeth for making bold moves, wanting to transform my life into something new, wanting to break free from what has essentially been a million strings pulling back to my home base, when all I want to do is be set free and discover who I am and who I can be without all the attachments. I feel like I'm going up shit creek without a paddle. Absolutely nowhere. So today I bought myself a 'gratitude diary.'

Kikki K sell them, as well as other diaries for goals, diets, inspiration, students, scrapbooking diaries, albums, and anything else you want to keep as a keepsake. I bought it, as it seems like I'm not going anywhere fast, so I'd better be grateful for what I have today, so I can grow for tomorrow.

It is so hard not being where your heart wants to be. Almost impossible. My heart wants to be where I can climb mountains (not hills, like we have in Australia), taste fresh mountain water, feel the dry sun heat on my skin so it can prickle and I can feel alive. I want to breath in fresh air and I want to write about it... write about it like it's in my present, not a recollection of my past. I want life to slow down, I want to know what it's like to 'feel' again, as the numbness inside is literally overwhelming... but as I can't have all that, I must be grateful for what I do have.

The first thing I'm grateful for, is my two boys. They have the most loving hearts, they are the best of friends, and they know how to look after their mum in times when I should be looking after them. They are my best friends, and I share my life with them in every way possible, because we are like the Three Musketeers, there for each other when we need each other. I hear stories about how my boys look after each other on the school playgrounds, that they look out for each other when they need some help amongst their peers. They truly are the best sons a mother could wish for, even if they do fight and get under each other's skin sometimes, there is more love between them that annoyance and bitterness.

The second thing I'm grateful for is my global network of friends. I have friends in London, the US, New Zealand, Tokyo (who's almost about to move back to Switzerland!), Brazil, Singapore... friends in almost every corner of the world, and no matter what time of day it is, I can contact them and stretch out my network to my other friends. I love knowing that they can travel and surround themselves in nature's beauty, something that I try to do, as small as it seems, everyday.

And my third thing today, was even though I kept putting off buying some urgent things for the boys and I due to reducing the load to travel, I caved today and bought the boys some new clothes, and some make-up for me... and every single thing I bought was heavily discounted!! The boy's clothes were 30% off, my make-up was 50% off and my Gratitude diary was 75% off (as they gave me a $20 discount in May to buy something in the shop in June)! Gotta love a day like that!

So now I have some quiet time, and I'm going to write the next chapter of my 2nd draft of 'On the Road to the Best Orgasm Ever' - the book I've been working on now for two years... the book that I have huge hopes on to change my life...