What Women Want...

It's really not that difficult to work out... all they want is an 'offer.' An offer that gives them love, honesty, commitment, 'grown up' responsibilities, compassion and an offer that puts her needs first. The offer has to consider her feelings for the man who requires her love and any mutual attraction. It doesn't need to be financial, it doesn't need to include children... what it does need is have a mutuality, commonality of interests and an agreement of who provides which roles within the relationship, if they are equally shared or not... but it needs to be an agreement that won't be begrudged over time.

Now, I know in reality that when you meet someone for the first time, essentially, when you try them on, you are not going to discover if the man you date is 'offer' kind of material. It's something that develops over time. Initially, you talk about possibilities, you talk about what you love about life, what you want in a relationship and what you want in life and you hope that they are compatible. Of course, you tell a couple of little lies to try and woo your suitor into liking you more if you feel a lustful attraction to him, or he gives you a couple of white lies to convince you more into liking him, but when reality hits, that's when the truth comes out. Either there were lies from the start in how he wanted the relationship to unfold, or there were lies from you. Or even lies to yourselves.... things you thought you wanted, but ultimately didn't. But lies don't work in a relationship, hence the reason why I'm so open in this blog and to those who know me. There is another thing though... denial. Denial that your partner wants what you want, when you weren't really listening to their fears, concerns and desires. And of course, it works both ways.

So how do you know if your 'offer' is possibly something that you would love to live with for the rest of your life? I guess you don't know, because as time changes, so do you. You discover new things about yourself, you discover that your interests are changing and you lose a sense of commonality. But you do have to go with your intuition. For happiness now and in the immediate future is what you wish for everyone, and in this life, you just can't think so far ahead as being grandparents together.

As I think of the list of suitors who have been interested in me over time, not one, not even my American lover or my ex husband, has given me a good enough 'offer'... the ultimate offer I deserve. All of them put their needs first, some don't know how to be a responsible man in terms of holding down a respectable job or be a responsible provider, some are highly dependent on other aspects in their life to make any significant changes, some are insecure, some are overly confident, some don't know how to romance a girl, some need a mother, some want to be rescued, some blame the world for their misfortunes and some think the world owes them something. I think most women relate to that... they know they either settled for an offer because they are desperate to be married or have kids, or they take an offer just to feel loved... and in time, those offers turn out to be duds and divorce.

Men really do need to step up to the plate and be more 'manly.' They need to show that they are a gentleman, that they know what their responsibilities are, they need to romance a woman, they need to show sincerity in how they care for and support their woman and they need to make trust possible. I know women want it 'all' - career, family, gorgeous husband, beautiful home, financial freedom and helping out with the school fundraisers, but in the end, we just want a man who can 'offer' to be a man in every loving, kind, responsible way possible.

How Good are the Years?

I heard a story the other day about a couple who are teetering on the edge of a divorce. What holds them together is the number of 'years' they have been together... They marvel that they have stayed together for 30+ years, but the last 10 or more years have been with intense angst, ignorance of each other and living almost completely separate lives. They work in separate towns, they spend their time separately with their adult children and they don't sleep in the same bed if ever they are in the same house together.

Are the number of years spent together truly a testament to a happy marriage? Or is it a life sentence of Christian morality that is vowed 'till death do us part?'

He's been having an affair for a number of years now, of which his wife has just found out. After all the yelling and cursing at each other, he did admit to it, but she decided that he has a sex addiction and he needs psychological help to stop it. He told her that the affair was not only sexual, but emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual, even told her how much he loved the other woman. But she didn't want to know his feelings for the other woman, only told him that she would help him in any way to save their marriage... which is admirable in it's own way... but essentially, she needs to stay, as she couldn't survive financially.

The problem now lies in the fact that there is no trust between them. How do they rebuild that trust? They have to do extreme lifestyle changes, including changing jobs to always be at home together, traveling together, spending time with friends together, EVERYTHING together to rebuild their bond and marriage. But their needs are different... he's physically active, she's a home body and isn't able to do what she once could. He's actively involved with helping the community on a government level, she'll be caring for the grandchildren at a moment's notice. But is that what they both want? Are they prepared to lose the part of themselves that makes them individually happy to compromise and create a shared life again when they literally have nothing in common, except their children?

He's agreed to see a counsellor, possibly they both will. They both want to make it work, even though there will be a number of years of no trust, no affection and no real friendship between them as they go through the torture of what has happened.

I don't understand why people put themselves through this when they truly have out-grown each other. They can embrace the joyous times they had in the past, but move on independently to create a life of happiness individually. Who knows, they may get back together after all the hurt and sorrow is over when they meet again at one of their children's weddings, a grandchild's birthdays or other family occasion, but for now, to dig up what's not working and dwell on it, resent each other that they aren't in the same place right now and live under a dark cloud of unhappiness is not the answer.

We have one life... we all need to live it to the fullest. If someone doesn't complete you, then it's time to find what does. If it's time by yourself, if it's time with a new partner or if it's time with your children and grandchildren, then that's what you need to do. The number of years that have past aren't important, it's the number of years you have left in you to embrace life that are.