Parenting values have changed over the last 20 odd years. Your parents were considered 'strict' if they didn't let you do anything. You weren't allowed to play with friends after school, you had to stay home and do your homework, you weren't allowed to leave the house by yourself, and you were grounded, smacked, punished and yelled at for every minor thing you did wrong. A grounding usually didn't mean much, because you weren't allowed to do anything you wanted to do anyway, it just meant that you couldn't have 'lolly night' - the treat for the week, because you were 'grounded,' you couldn't watch TV or you couldn't participate in a family activity, which usually inconvenienced one of your parents as well, as they had to stay home with you, while they others enjoyed the outing. But your parents were considered 'strict' because they didn't let up on the punishment... there was no leniency, no mercy because they wanted to teach you a lesson to stop whatever you did from you doing it again.
So in 2013, what is considered to be a 'strict' parent? A strict parent is now considered to be a parent who insists a child helps around the home rather than putting 'restrictions' on them. They make their children be independent - putting clothes in the laundry, putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher after they have eaten a meal, making their own lunches for school, having allotted times for homework, walking home from school by themselves and having their own keys to the house, essentially allowing them the freedom to look after themselves but also contribute to the team/family environment. Whereas, the 'new normal' parent does everything for their child - takes them to school, chooses their clothes for them each morning, makes their breakfast, ballet lessons, dance lessons, soccer training, swimming lessons, playdates (and stays with them), essentially fills up their calendar so there is absolutely no time to actually do any chores, homework or have a chance to actually learn any life skills, except socialising (probably because they have a housekeeper or cleaner to do it all for them).
The problem with the new normal style of parenting is that they aren't helping their children develop the skills and character they need later in life to help them deal with adversity. Chores are things no one wants to do, but if our children did everything they wanted to do, they would be spoilt little brats and won't be able to cope with being told 'No' when they apply for a job. You have to do the hard yards to get the rewards. As my old school motto says 'No reward without effort.' And it's true... if we raise children who don't understand the value of hard work, independence and actually doing things for themselves, then what hope have they got on the outside world?
So, with the new definitions, I would be considered a 'strict' parent. And I do get the weird looks from parents who can't believe my 10 year old walks a 20 minute walk home from school every day because they think he's too young, or it's too far. But he loves it, as he gets to walk home with a couple of friends, who are a little closer than he to school, and they stop at a friend's house to shoot a few hoops, and it's his own time just to be himself. He's aware of the time, and it's very rarely he goes past his expected time to be home, but he has his phone on him, so I can reach him. It's about teaching your children responsibility, and with responsibility comes rewards. I even get weird looks when I go out for dinner with friends and I no longer call a babysitter. My boys are completely safe at home, and we have neighbours they can call if they are worried or start a kitchen fire. They know what they are allowed to do and not to do when I'm out, and they will often text me to see if they can rent a movie off Apple TV when they could easily just waste the money away without me knowing about it, and it's all too late.
By saying this, we have developed a level of respect between us - respect that allows us all to have fun, be responsible for ourselves as well as the family unit and help each other out when we can. And if there is too much iPad game playing and homework gets neglected, then unfortunately, we do go back to the iPad ban for 24 hours, but there is no resentment for it... they know that they stuffed up and they have to make up lost time and finish what needs to be done.
My job as a parent is to prepare my children for the rest of their lives. If you don't take the baby steps early on in life - and that can be from the age of 2 or 3, they will get a rude awakening when it's time to be responsible for themselves. You can't hold their hand through every little step, you need to show them the way, praise them for their successes, and encourage them to keep going if they aren't quite getting it.
I find it's the older parent (the parents who had their children in their late 30s/early 40s) who are the 'new normal' and the younger parents are the 'new strict.' Maybe it has something to do with how long they tried to conceive a child, or they saved for their financially secure lives before having children so they can enjoy them, do everything for them and hold onto their babies for as long as they can, whereas the younger parents, the ones who need to work hard to keep money coming in, have less time to take their children to 15 different activities a week and need the help around the house or need their children to be a little more independent, are the 'strict' ones. And there are those in the middle who are a mixture of the two. We need to allow our children to grow up, we need to stop thinking of them as your little baby when they are 8 or 9 (as extraordinary as it sounds, some kids are entering puberty by then) and have faith, that if we teach them well, they will be amazing, responsible, capable, understanding and loving kids for the rest of their lives.
Showing posts with label chores. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chores. Show all posts
Saturday, 23 November 2013
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Pocket Money
My boys are at the age now that they need to know the 'value' of a dollar... as are many of their friends. And the topic came up today, as we watched five hours of hockey in a round robin tournament... 'What's the best way to handle pocket money?'
We all feel like we are putting our hands in our pockets way too often and our children aren't appreciating it. I must admit, I have pulled in the reins this year, only because I sold so much of the boys things last year, expecting to move overseas temporarily, that I needed to replace the things that we no longer had when they needed them, which essentially meant, birthdays and Christmas last year weren't as special, because I had been buying new things for them throughout the year. So this year, I've told them that I won't be buying them new things, unless it's their birthday or Christmas, and if they want something, they must save for it... so I've introduced regular pocket money.
It was all agreed by the parents I talked to today that pocket money is 'earned,' not just assumed that it will always be there. Chores for 9-12 year olds included emptying the dishwasher, putting clothes away after they had been washed & folded (and ironed if necessary), cleaning the cars (inside and out), keeping their rooms clean, putting their dirty washing in the laundry and vacuuming. Some parents also included a reduction in pocket money if they had been overly naughty or not getting along with their siblings.
One parent suggested he gave his 7th grader $100 per month as pocket money, but that had to pay for all the things that she wanted. If she wanted to see a movie with her friends, buy some fashion shoes (not school shoes or runners), get candy from the canteen at hockey, buying gifts, toys, video games, etc. She was also expected to save some of that $100. For her 5th grader brother, as his social requirements aren't as busy as a 7th grader, he received $40 a month... and being a boy, he wasn't interested in non-regulation shoes and possibly not old enough to be wanting to see movies with his friends as his older sister. Their father figured he'd actually save money with this pocket money plan, because he was constantly putting his hand in his pocket for their 'needy' requests, so now, if they want something, they need to be organised and have the money they are prepared to spend always on them.
Another parent gave their 6th grader and 4th grader $2 a week in pocket money, but had extra jobs where they could make more money, however their pocket money capped at $10 a week, as sometimes they would try and do the extra jobs more than what was necessary. That parent also put away $5 and $4 a week respectively into their children's bank accounts for their weekly chores, so that they were constantly saving. Their $2 a week, essentially went towards any toys, iPad apps or computer games they wanted. This parent thought that if they really wanted something, they would set themselves a goal and save for it, allowing them to have the concept of 'striving' for something if it was worthwhile.
Other incentives were academic based. If they upped their grades in a particular subject for each test they would get $20. If they upped their grades at the end of each semester they received $80. If they could read a 200 page novel in 3 days, they received $20, or if they could blitz a scholarship exam, then they would receive a hefty bonus.
Whatever pocket money scheme we set for our children, it needs to support their need to help the family unit, their goals if they are materialistic or academic, and their understanding of stretching the dollar for all that they can. I think pocket money should be a positive enforcement, and if money is taken away because they have been overly naughty or getting bad grades, there needs to be a scheme that allows them to rectify the situation. We don't get money taken off us in a work environment for bad people skills or not getting the job done, and most jobs have incentives to make us work harder, if it's salary based or commission base, so why should we show our kids that money is taken away if we do something wrong? If you do something wrong too many times, yes you lose your job, but how do you convey that in a pocket money situation? You can't... and it probably isn't fair to show your children the pitfalls of the power of an employer in that 4th grade to 8th grade age group.
Pocket money, no matter what age, needs to be introduced the minute your child takes advantage of your 'bottomless' pocket of money. Because as soon as they know that it runs out, the more they will appreciate it.
We all feel like we are putting our hands in our pockets way too often and our children aren't appreciating it. I must admit, I have pulled in the reins this year, only because I sold so much of the boys things last year, expecting to move overseas temporarily, that I needed to replace the things that we no longer had when they needed them, which essentially meant, birthdays and Christmas last year weren't as special, because I had been buying new things for them throughout the year. So this year, I've told them that I won't be buying them new things, unless it's their birthday or Christmas, and if they want something, they must save for it... so I've introduced regular pocket money.
It was all agreed by the parents I talked to today that pocket money is 'earned,' not just assumed that it will always be there. Chores for 9-12 year olds included emptying the dishwasher, putting clothes away after they had been washed & folded (and ironed if necessary), cleaning the cars (inside and out), keeping their rooms clean, putting their dirty washing in the laundry and vacuuming. Some parents also included a reduction in pocket money if they had been overly naughty or not getting along with their siblings.
One parent suggested he gave his 7th grader $100 per month as pocket money, but that had to pay for all the things that she wanted. If she wanted to see a movie with her friends, buy some fashion shoes (not school shoes or runners), get candy from the canteen at hockey, buying gifts, toys, video games, etc. She was also expected to save some of that $100. For her 5th grader brother, as his social requirements aren't as busy as a 7th grader, he received $40 a month... and being a boy, he wasn't interested in non-regulation shoes and possibly not old enough to be wanting to see movies with his friends as his older sister. Their father figured he'd actually save money with this pocket money plan, because he was constantly putting his hand in his pocket for their 'needy' requests, so now, if they want something, they need to be organised and have the money they are prepared to spend always on them.
Another parent gave their 6th grader and 4th grader $2 a week in pocket money, but had extra jobs where they could make more money, however their pocket money capped at $10 a week, as sometimes they would try and do the extra jobs more than what was necessary. That parent also put away $5 and $4 a week respectively into their children's bank accounts for their weekly chores, so that they were constantly saving. Their $2 a week, essentially went towards any toys, iPad apps or computer games they wanted. This parent thought that if they really wanted something, they would set themselves a goal and save for it, allowing them to have the concept of 'striving' for something if it was worthwhile.
Other incentives were academic based. If they upped their grades in a particular subject for each test they would get $20. If they upped their grades at the end of each semester they received $80. If they could read a 200 page novel in 3 days, they received $20, or if they could blitz a scholarship exam, then they would receive a hefty bonus.
Whatever pocket money scheme we set for our children, it needs to support their need to help the family unit, their goals if they are materialistic or academic, and their understanding of stretching the dollar for all that they can. I think pocket money should be a positive enforcement, and if money is taken away because they have been overly naughty or getting bad grades, there needs to be a scheme that allows them to rectify the situation. We don't get money taken off us in a work environment for bad people skills or not getting the job done, and most jobs have incentives to make us work harder, if it's salary based or commission base, so why should we show our kids that money is taken away if we do something wrong? If you do something wrong too many times, yes you lose your job, but how do you convey that in a pocket money situation? You can't... and it probably isn't fair to show your children the pitfalls of the power of an employer in that 4th grade to 8th grade age group.
Pocket money, no matter what age, needs to be introduced the minute your child takes advantage of your 'bottomless' pocket of money. Because as soon as they know that it runs out, the more they will appreciate it.
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