Psychological Projection

How many times do you remember having a fight with your significant other for something they were blaming you for, but you never did it? You could count it on both hands, couldn't you? It's funny, because at the time, you couldn't think what you had done wrong, or what you did to make them think that way, or saying exactly what they are saying you said? And my epiphany today, is that there is a psychological reason behind it all... and it's call 'psychological projection', or 'Freudian projection'.

For example, a situation I'm in constantly is one with my lover. He is always telling me that I am attacking his family life, saying horrible things about his wife and making out that it's all bad, only because I keep asking him, if his family is so wonderful, why am I in his life? Of course, I don't get a straight answer to my question, because I am 'attacking' his precious family. But through my question, I am not 'attacking' his family as he so 'projects,' I am asking a sincere question about my place in his life. But in the true essence, what he doesn't realise, is that it is 'he' who is attacking his family life by running the risk of having me in his life.... It was an a-ha moment... that I am not the enemy that he is constantly suggesting, as it is HE who is the enemy to his own life. I am not the one who will lose everything if our secret gets found out, it is he who will lose the lot. And that scares him, so he 'projects' the blame on to me to make himself feel better.

And I'm not new to this. My ex-husband was the same. He would blame me for either not giving him enough time to help him with his business, or that I was getting in the way of how he wanted to run his business, so whatever I did, I wasn't doing it right, and therefore, I was to blame for his business failing.


'Psychological projection'  is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, and then projects them to the outside world, usually to other people. They then imagine that the other person was the origin of the feelings, thoughts or attributes.  They take the anxiety off themselves when they project it onto someone else unconsciously, thus getting upset or anger with the person that they projected those ideas onto, as the conscious mind doesn't recognise that they are the ones who actually came up with the idea, thought or emotion in the first place.    It is purely a defence mechanism for the 'projector', protecting themselves of hurt and their own actions.

So next time you are confused about what you've done wrong, realise that maybe you didn't do a thing wrong, and it is your fighting buddy who can't live with their own truth.

Finding peace this Christmas...

'Peace' is one of those words that is buzzing around at the moment because it's Christmas. I've always looked at it as a word that is global - we all want world peace, we all want peace in our neighbourhoods, villages and streets, but what about the 'inner peace' that each one of us need within us to be content with who we are?

Some of us torture ourselves with conflict between family members and friends. Some of us torture ourselves about where we want to be in life, and it's not where we are now. Some of us torture ourselves with inner demons that mask the personality that we want to portray to the world. So how do we create inner peace within ourselves?

We are all different, and we all need to find the solace within ourselves to make that call. For some it's an instant realisation, for others it's a long drawn out journey of months, sometimes years getting professional help. Some never find it, some don't realise that they need to find it. And I think that's a pertinent point... we can only find inner peace if we make that realisation that we actually 'need' it.

Some of us blame others for the anguish we have in our lives that we can't get over. But most don't even know that they have caused you this anguish. We approach them about it, and they don't know what you are talking about. If they do know what you're talking about, they have 'knowingly' done something to hurt you or put their own needs first; but if they don't know, you identify with it that they have been constantly insensitive to your feelings. But, in the end, if we blame others or not, it's up to us to either accept how that person is in our lives knowing that they only think of themselves, or choose not to have that person be in our lives so dominantly. It's up to us to have the maturity, courage and strength to either confront the other person or people to allow all the built up resentment to be discussed and removed, or let it go, start a new day and find that inner peace within ourselves.

So at Christmas, when there is a huge amount of animosity flying around in family affairs in every type of family out there, is this the time or not to create that inner peace within yourself by accepting your family and friends for who they are? Is it the time to discover in yourself how you can be at peace with yourself? Is finding the peace the best Christmas present you could give yourself? It should be a resounding 'yes.' But some of us aren't ready to do that yet, for others, it may take baby steps to get there, but the most important step is knowing that 'peace' within ourselves is our ultimate destination.