It's almost 4 years ago to the day that I met the most influential person of my life. He was so beautiful, so loving, so involved with nurturing the community, so respectful of personal situations, yet so conflicted in his own life. And you see it time and time again… people who on the surface look like they have it all together with their public personas, yet underneath it all they are crumbling apart.
When we were involved, I helped him overcome some of his conflicts, helped him understand what he needed for himself to survive, helped him value himself over giving so much to people who didn't appreciate him. I believed I did help him. And I believe he knows I helped him… and in so many ways, he helped me develop the needs I needed in life - to be the best mother I could be, to respect myself enough to not be a push over anymore and to appreciate the goodness I give people, even though I still struggle to believe that I am valued because of other failed relationships. And I will always thank him for giving me the belief in myself that I didn't have before we met.
He gave me a voice… a voice I didn't allow myself to have. I now stand up for myself, my children and my belongings and I refuse to allow any of us to be pushed over. Before him, I used to think I was silly and let things slide, but they used to build and build inside me that things just weren't fair, and he gave me that opinion, that comfort and that support that I wasn't being silly - that I was right to stand up for myself.
Over the last 18 months, he has fallen to rock bottom in his personal life only to come up shining and being appreciated and loved by the people he wanted to appreciate and love him. Yet by doing that, our communication is now limited, and I miss him terribly, but I'm glad he has found the happy place he was searching for when his inner being was falling apart.
And that's what people do when they love someone… they forsake all their own happiness to ensure that the people they love have what they always wanted, and if they aren't part of the equation, because of time and circumstance, then you live with that fact that your time is not now, or ever, and you just value that you actually had a chance to feel that intense happiness, that joy, that eternal feeling of greatness and gratitude that made you feel complete… even if it was just for a moment - a day, a week, a month or a year… you had an opportunity to actually 'FEEL JOY.' As 'joy' is the height of happiness and contentment.
So since that day, I have become a better mother, I have valued my place in the community and I give where I can to make a difference, I have valued myself within my business and personally and have stopped being bullied by people who feel they are superior to me, I have developed friendships that are true friendships, I have found my soul in nature and through travelling the world and I have dived deep inside myself to find my writing soul.
So everyday I thank him with all my heart that I found him. I just hope that he hears me…. He is someone who is affiliated with my heart because he touched it so deeply that he cannot be forgotten, even though we can no longer be together, he will always be remembered for bringing out the beauty, I never thought I had inside me, but somehow, he found it… in me.
No comments:
Post a Comment