Monday, 3 December 2012

The Heartache in Dating...

As a single mum, and talking to many single mums out there, the hardest thing to do, is find someone you can trust to share your life with you again. There are so many stages that make it difficult... mainly because you are the dedicated provider and carer for your children, and you never want anyone to come between you. Your children come first no matter what, and to juggle the time between work, your kids, housework and external family commitments, there really isn't much time for YOU.

I struggle at the moment, because I have my kids telling me more and more that they want me to find them a new Dad. And I want that for them more than anything. But I'm trying to finish my book, work, get the Christmas shopping done, look after sick kids and deal with way too many family celebrations over the next month (there are 6 family birthdays in the next month including 3 major milestones, plus Christmas). Hopefully by the time January 1st comes by, I might be able to breathe again!

So let's say I start dating. I manage to go out on a couple of lunch dates while the boys are at school, so they don't know that I'm 'trying on' some potentials. Say one lunch date, turns into two or three, and then he wants to take it to a dinner date, and possibly a 'let's go back to his place.' I feel I'm really into this guy, but I've been bitten too many times to introduce him too soon to the boys. After all, they want a new Dad, so I have to make sure he's right for them as well as right for me.

Ok, so I get the babysitter coming over once a week, so I can have a weekly escape with my new man. Do you think it should be an instant feeling that I know this guy is the right material to introduce my boys to him, or do I wait? But if I wait, and my boys don't have the same feeling for him as I do, or he doesn't like my boys, or hasn't the tolerance for them because his kids are beyond the age of mine, have I wasted my time? Aaaarrrggghhhh!!

Ok, let's paint this as a perfect picture.... I introduce him to the boys - the boys love him, put him on a pedestal. He loves the boys, even decides to be their basketball coach to interact with them more. He takes us on little weekends away, he attends all their sports matches, we meet his kids and all our kids get along perfectly. After a year or so, he proposes, I accept... with conditions... we maintain our financial independence. I need to know, that if for any reason our marriage doesn't make it, I can still be the supporting mother for my boys. He doesn't want those conditions... he wants us to merge everything because he doesn't want to think negatively down the track... he's thinking of the love he has for me and what we have. He's romantic, but not practical. I make a compromise... We maintain our financial independence until all our children are over 25... by then, they don't need our financial support for study and should be on their own two feet. At the same time, we should know that our marriage can still be wonderful without the time and effort we put into our children. He agrees.

But, after you've been through a torturous divorce, an attempt in dating that you truly felt you found your Mr Perfect, you've lost every ounce of trust in men because you've been deceived, used, put your heart on the line to do everything in your power to believe that someone actually loves you for YOU, how can you ever get to the point of finding a man who fits the perfect bill. You are always skeptical about their motives, you are always questioning their actions, you are afraid of getting your heart broken and your children's hearts broken again. How do you TRUST again?

It's the biggest Catch 22 out there. Most will say that if your children see you happy, they will be happy. Most single mums don't even bother with the dating scene because they want to invest their time in their children. Some have bedtime playmates with no strings and feel empty because there is no love in what they have. And others hold out that their Mr Right will sweep them off their feet any day now.

I guess the only way to know is putting yourself out there and trying guys on. Be true to yourself, be friends with your intuition and not fight with it and somehow, it might just work out the way you always dreamed.

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