The Married White Male...**

Why is it assumed that if people know that you have had a discretionary relationship with a married man, that you too will succumb to the weakness of their unhappy marriage or relationship and do the same deeds with them? Are you instantly labelled as the 'home-wrecker,' the 'ball breaker' or the 'female Cassanova' that woos men away from their marriage into a world of debauchery?

Over the past two or so years, it's been very apparent to me the instant flirtations that married men tend to proceed with when they first find out that I'm not married anymore, but then more so when I told them I was involved with a married man. Their eyes start to shine, I'll get the occasional bump on the elbow or the hip as they walk passed me, the lingering hugs, the nervous laughs at things that just rent funny, a little bit of text flirting, phone calls at 10.30pm to 'see what I am doing,' and I've even had the old hands on both of my hips trying to lead me the way to wherever they want me to go (a-hem... before you get the dirty mind, it is usually to the next room of a property I am looking at for work).

Look, I know I am quite open, and I give the impression to many that I am eager for anything, but if they truly knew me, they would know that my heart, my body and my soul are only available for one man and most of what I talk about, is purely research for the next book, the next blog or just to understand what really is out there in the big bad world of dating.

But really, what is it with the married men? Do they honestly think that once you've done one, you're open to all? That your morals are out the window and that you have no concern for their wives or children? Um, I don't think so... And for all those married women out there who know me, I haven't done anything untoward with your husbands... only the one who knows it all.

But it does make me question, why are these married men looking elsewhere? Is life so bad on the other side? Are their wives just not interested in sex anymore and they have to seek other avenues? Why can't they just grow some balls and leave before they have their first infidelity?

I did talk to one of my 'married men' friends recently, one who we've had an understanding for 6-7 years now of innocent flirting, but know nothing will ever come of it. He's one of the very few men I can talk to honestly about how men feel. He has a few married men that he works with who have equally flirted with me, and I've asked the question to him, do you think that 'Agent X' would cheat on his wife?' And he said, 'out of all of us, he is the weakest, and to my knowledge he hasn't yet, but if the right chance came, he would buckle and go for it.' And I asked him, if he himself would? And he (let's call him 'Agent Y') said, 'he would never. For him it was about how hard the financial separation was, the agony his children would go through, for him, having an affair wasn't worth it.' He had seen many of his friends have one and their lives be destroyed. No matter how much he enjoys another woman's company, he would never cross the boundary.

It was good to know that there are some decent men out there still. But there are a large percentage who aren't. I do believe that married vows are sacred and stood by mine until I decided that I could no longer be in my marriage. And I do believe once you've broken one vow, then the trust, the bond and the sacrament that you made to be in your marriage is completely gone. I've spoken to a few divorced men who have realised that once they did that first betrayal, that they knew they had done wrong by their wives and family, and told them that they were no good for them anymore, and left. Quite commendable really. But they are really one in a million who do it.

So for all those who think they can get a piece of me, know that I enjoy the sexual talk and banter, but it stops there... If anything, if I think a marriage can be saved, I would do what I can to help save it, as for my friends, that's what friends are for... And for all those who those who think they can get more out of me, just keep it in your pants!

** Please note, the title of this post isn't intended to be racist, but just a pun on the 'Single White Female' movie that Bridget Fonda starred in... this blog does not exclude men from other races, religions or backgrounds.

The Royal Melbourne Show

After a week of work while the boys were on school holidays driving each other stir crazy between their iPads, Wii, scooters, finishing a puzzle, drawing and TV gazing, I managed to get this afternoon off to take them to the Royal Melbourne Show.

For all those who don't know... the Royal Melbourne Show was set up for city kids to get a look at the rural life... interact with farm animals, learn about the trading and selling of livestock, discover true country style cooking and appreciate the handiwork of the arts and crafts... but for most kids, it's about the rides and show bags.

This was always something that I wanted to do, but was always afraid that my work schedules are traditionally horrendous at this time of year, and I just couldn't take a day off to take them. And now that they are 11 & 9 years old, they are at a good age to really enjoy the best bits of the show. I was going to take them tomorrow, being Grand Final day - a day in Melbourne where most people get together with friends and/or family to watch the big game for the year or just a good excuse for a barbecue, but also a day where those who plan to go on a holiday, or come back from a holiday would be doing it the middle weekend of the school holidays... so my plan was that the show would actually be quiet tomorrow... however the forecast is rail, hail and windy conditions, so I thought tonight might be a better go... and it was good. We did get a bit of rain, but not enough to put a 'dampener' on things! And being there at night, is just so much more spectacular! There wasn't any lines for the rides, we missed all the screaming toddlers and strollers blocking the walkways and the lights were just dazzling!

My boys had pre planned which show bags they were going to buy (with a pre-determined budget set by me!), and were interested in many of the high-adrenalin rides. I had told them that the show was like an enormous school fete, but I think that when they got there, it was much much bigger than they expected. My 9 year old even said "I can see why they call it 'Royal!'"

We arrived at the 'Thrill Seekers Carnival' and were laden with $60 worth of ride tickets in our hand... the first ride the 'Crazy Coaster' set us back $30 ($10 x 3).... these ride tickets weren't going to last long! It was a roller coaster that went up and down, but also span around in places where it went up and down, so that was pretty freaky! We went on the Ghost Train, the Rock & Roller, dodgem cars, bungee jumping, my 11 year old wanted to go on the Hangover, and they did the racing slide and a few of the carnival side games (which I told them that they can be a bit of a scam).

They were eager to get their show bags, even though I pre-warned them that we would need to carry them around for the rest of the show if we bought them.... but they weren't phased. I gave them a budget of $35 each to spend on show bags, of which they each bought a bag to do with their latest fad (Domo and Simpsons), and the rest they spent on lolly show bags. But they also bought a soft toy each... a few things to keep, a few things to devour.

After the show bag pavilion, we checked out the Art, Craft and Cooking Pavilion - part of the true essence of the show - where the country women, school children and hobby crafters hold their stalls, and the best decorated cake, or best loaf of bread, or best preserve gets judged by the show elite to get 'best of show.' I must admit, the cake decorating was amazing, and some of the school children's artwork had some incredible talent.

We then went over to the Fresh Food Pavilion to see what we could get for dinner... but we were stopped by an amazing liquorice stall, a fudge stall, and a dippetty dots ice-cream stall, which we all promised we would go back to after we found some real food for dinner. The boys had a baby burger each, while I had a seafood paella. As I promised the boys dessert, we went back to the ice-cream stall, grabbed some fairy floss and rainbow flavour dotty ice-cream, and sat out in the arena to watch the equestrian event. (sorry for the blur...)

We decided to walk around the rides with all their spectacular lights surrounding us before we left to go home, and of course, they convinced me to let them go on one more ride before we left!

As you can imagine, I had two very happy boys, doing what they love best - going on rides and spending money!! But it was nice to see their smiles on their faces, and how appreciative they were that they had this chance to enjoy their first Royal Melbourne Show. I got plenty of thank yous, hugs and happy smiles. But at the same time, I do have a very empty wallet! But the rewards of having two happy boys who aren't pushing my boundaries, makes it all worth it.

Learning to Kiss...

A friend of mine told me a story today.  This friend, who is more like a work colleague studying to be a comedian, told me about his stripper friend. My friend is a 31 year old bloke, who has has been told that he is the most gay looking heterosexual man around, and who just happened to have previously worked in an adult book store so isn't really phased by erotic acts. His stripper friend wanted him to come to her work one night just to have drinks and a chat. On the way home one day, he thought he would take her up on her offer and they caught up. They had a couple of drinks, she did her show, a couple of private lap dancers with men who obviously wanted to take it further, and she came out totally disgusted, saying

"Why do men think they know how to give a woman oral sex, but have no idea how to do it?"
Upon which my friend decided to arc up and say "I do, do you want me to give you a recount of how I go about doing it?"
So he told her, and she let out a resounding "Yes! Who taught you how to do it? That's how lesbians do it!"
My friend didn't let out his secret, and says he didn't do anything to her to prove it....(a-hem... me think he was lying then!) but it got our conversation going to, it's not just oral sex that so many people don't know what to do, it's also kissing, touching and how to make love.

We wondered why there isn't a 'Dummies Guide to Kissing,' or why sex ed lessons only cover how to put a condom on a banana but don't cover things like how wide you should open your mouth when you kiss, how much saliva should exit your mouth and go into your partners, how you should nibble not bite your partner, how much tongue should enter your partner's mouth... all the things that should be taught somewhere to ensure you get to the next base.

Then I said to my friend, but sometimes you like things with one partner but can't stand it with another partner... a bit like Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" stated as her alibi - "I liked Johnny using his hands, I didn't like anyone else using their hands." I know I couldn't stand my ex if he had 5 o'clock shadow on his face because his stubble was harsh and the way he kissed me he would leave a burning rash on my face, but I loved the 5 o'clock shadow and the goatee on my lover's face - his face is just soft and sensual.

But I do agree, there is an art.. an art to the slow, erotic, arousing kiss, that can turn into the 'can't get enough of you' passionate all embracing kiss that leads your mouth down their neck, kissing their ears and stripping off their clothes to reach their bare naked skin to let your mouth wander all over them.

We are all different, and we are different with different partners and I guess that's what gives us our chemistry. But to be taught how to kiss, how to make love and how to give oral sex is a bit like being taught what to wear... we all have our unique ways of doing it, some of us like labelled brands, some like accessories, some are happy in a T-shirt and jeans. We all have our own triggers that make us feel really satisfied. Some people know what their ultimate orgasm feels like, others have no idea because they haven't experimented enough, or hadn't had satisfying partners to achieve their ultimate bliss, but once they do, they never want to go back... everything else isn't worth it. So maybe, some sort of how-to manual might be good for all of us!

Giving Your Kids Their Independence

I have plenty of conversations with parents about the amount of freedom they give their children. Some refuse to allow their 12 and 13 year olds to travel without them, even just walking to the corner shop, others allow their 7 and 8 year olds do the corner shop trek regularly. I know all children develop at difference rates, but is it also the parents not being able to let go?

The best tell tale sign is seeing a child's first day of elementary/primary school and observing the ease and horror between the separation between child and parent. Some children will burst into tears, other children just want their parents to go, and sometimes it's a mutual agreement that both child and parent can be separated, but it's the parent who bursts into tears outside the classroom. Is this a tale of what will happen in future years to come?

For me, it's understanding your child and knowing how much they can cope with. My two children are very different with their independence... my oldest is happy to take on new freedom by arranging play dates with his mates without confirming with parents first, or making his way to the local shops to by a slushy drink. Sometimes he drags his little brother along, other times he goes independently. My little one, has speech issues, so it's always concerning for me that if he does get himself into trouble, and somehow gets lost, he wouldn't know what to do.... until recently! His older brother forgot to come home with him even though he knew that the younger one had a doctor's appointment straight after school. So I drove down to the school, found his teacher...she said he left when everyone else did, then saw one of the basketball dads, and he said he'd keep an eye out for me, and somewhere in the middle, my phone rings. It's my youngest son. He has made his way to a friend's house, asked to call me, knew exactly what my number was off the top of his head and told me exactly where he was, address and all. He didn't panic, he didn't get upset, he used his level head and was happy that he had someone to get him part of the way home and be able to call me. It was such a proud moment knowing that he was able to handle himself. The friend's father told me that he was brilliant in the way he knew what he had to do. We made it to our doctor's appointment on time, and then his brother was punished (just a little bit) for forgetting him, and was warned the punishment would be harsher if he forgot him again!

But for me now, I know what I was a little scared about, was really nothing to be scared of at all. And I guess that's how us parents grow to accept that our children are growing up. But then, our children need to prove to us that they can handle certain situations and be responsible, and the only way they can do that, is if we give them the chance, no matter how much it scares us.

If we can develop our children's sense of self in the early years, they will not struggle with who they are, what they want in life and their responsibilities in their adult years. We owe it to our children to give them their independence in gradual steps, in steps we can all be proud of.

To tell the kids or not tell the kids

It's a question that is quite the debate. I know when I was in the Family Court, the court counsellors wholeheartedly believe that the children should know as little as possible about the reasons why their parents break up, except to tell them that it was not their fault. Some people believe that the problems are only between the two people concerned and adult problems should remain adult problems, and should not have other people, including their kids, interfering, being affected or taking sides based on the information that they hear, see or are involved in.

But no matter how much you protect your children from your marital issues, they know! They know that things aren't right, they know that this is what love is, they know that their names come up every now and again, they know that there is potential to be told to pick sides. THEY KNOW!! Without anyone saying anything to them...

So, depending on their age, why not involve them in a healthy discussion about what's best for the family? As there is no formal agreement with my ex about how much he sees our children, I ask my boys if they want to see their dad when he calls. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I do not want to force them into a situation they don't feel comfortable in. They are at an age now that spending time with their friends is more important to them than even spending time with me, and I respect that about the fact that they are growing up, and they want to develop their own sense of self, so if they choose not to be involved, then that's up to them. Of course, I do try to encourage times, or ask them why they don't want to see him, in case there was something that happened on their last visit that made them not want to be with him, and sometimes I do get quite an uneasy answer, and other days it's just they don't want to.

But how much do you tell your kids about other concerns you might have? That the other parent's spending is out of hand and he/she's not contributing to their welfare, or that they are contributing too much to their welfare and living on poverty line just to please them. Or maybe that you don't like your ex's new partner and worry how well they will treat them in their care, or that maybe the other parent is expecting a new baby and because of that, they might be left out of the other parent's life for a little bit and that they should expect it, but be pleasantly surprised if it does work out.

For me, honesty is the key. But honesty when you understand that your child completely understands. I have one son who does, the other one who's getting there. I have friends who have adult children who have two children who understand, the other is in her own world when it comes to love and romance. I have other friends who's children can't cope with the fact that their father abandoned them, and are rebelling accordingly, and other friend's who's ex's have turned to drugs and alcohol and they are completely stressed by their children being in their ex partner's care without some type of supervision, even though a Court Order requires them to do so.  Some children can handle the information, others can't. But I don't think it's fair that a court or a psychologist tells you what you can or cannot say to your children about their other parent, especially if you know it's in your child's best interest so that they are aware of the potential harm there is to themselves and or the other parent.

There is also a point where the role of parent and child gets reversed. Where the child becomes the parent's carer, and decisions need to be made for the parent by the children to ensure that their health and safety are being taken care of... and that includes the silent mental health issues that can become so damaging to someone who's lost their wedded partner through death or divorce, and the children need to know the real facts behind their behaviour.

All in all, telling your children how changes to the family unit will affect the family unity is a positive thing. If we all hide things under the table and not confront the underlying issues that are effecting everyone, then the love and nurturing within a family can only exist on a basic level, and can't be fully expressed and given an element of importance to those who need it most.

For me, laying your problems, your concerns and your fears out on the table with your children and family members opens up communication so that everyone understands how everyone feels about certain situations. For many years now, over dinner, my boys and I play 'happy sad day' and we say what made us happy in the day and what made us sad. We have also included what we are thankful for, what made us laugh and sometimes we add extras like what are our concerns and struggles. It develops honesty, listening skills and an appreciation for each other.

Every situation is individual and you know your children well enough to know what they can cope with. Whatever you tell them, you tell them because you care, have deep concern for their wellbeing (or even the other parent's wellbeing) and want them to know that no matter what, they are always loved by you. It's not being vindictive to the other parent, it's protecting your child's safety, and sometimes the safety of the other parent.

Some will say that children are always affected by their parent's getting divorced, and no doubt that is true, but they can also be traumatised by living in an environment that has constant arguing, physical, emotional and psychological abuse and put in a position where they are told to choose sides, while their parent's remain married. And there is a high percentage of children that seek attention because their parents are constantly fighting and the children are constantly forgotten, so the children lose themselves in drugs, alcohol and wandering the streets just to get away from the situation. Most children in that situation, would prefer to stop hearing the daily anguish their parents cause each other and have them live separately and have their attention redirected back to them... and that, is where if you get your children involved with the decision, it may be decided as a family that every one would prefer that their parents live separately, so the children can enjoy their parents separately, and the fighting can stop once and for all. And that, my friends, is where divorce can be a positive step for all.

The Kenyan Orphanage Fundraiser

One of my work colleagues is going to Kenya to help children learn English and other life skills in January 2013 through Global Vision International, and decided to have a get together with friends and family this afternoon to raise funds to help the children.

So I dragged (yes, dragged) my boys to a funky little Thai restaurant in Ormond Road Elwood to meet some new people, have a little sing and a dance, and help raise funds for my work colleague's big trek.

We arrived a little late, as my boys were invited to a friend's house for a play (hence the reason why I dragged them there!), and the party was already started. An acoustic duo sang songs by The Fray, Hunters and Collectors, Train and other soft rock (or is it hard pop!) ballads, while we were served spring rolls, money bags, fried rice & chicken satays. We were offered a lychee & mint infused champagne in a glass jar with a stripy straw - they were very chic!

About half an hour after we arrived, this tall skinny, muscular lady (ahem!) man with flowing blonde hair, a tight glistening cocktail dress (supposedly designed by Dannii Minogue) and stilettos that were so high you were surprised that his/her toes weren't actually balancing on their tips, walked into the restaurant and the party really begun! This female impersonator, called her/himself Miss Man!

She/he emceed the event, and sang a few tunes including "I Will Survive," "Fame" and a couple of Kylie Minogue numbers. In between songs, they auctioned off a few items, including a coffee machine in a hamper of all sorts of goodies, a few signed items from the Australian Cricket Team, a day with a stylist, a beauty therapy voucher & another food hamper to help raise more funds for the orphanage. And then Miss Man offered to auction her/himself off to be available for the winner's next function. She/he was won by a family man who had his darling 4 year old daughter there, and Miss Man convinced the sweet little girl that she will come to her next party dressed as 'Barbie' and if you give her a few minutes, she'll disappear and come back as 'Ken.' The little girl was so excited, she was just loving the fact that she could have her own real life Barbie at her next birthday party.

It was hard to crack a smile from my 11 year old and 9 year old about Miss Man making fun of her/himself, but occasionally I saw some smirks come their way. There is a thought of hiring Miss Man to come to my Dad's 70th birthday in a couple of months time... I have talked to my sisters and they think it could be quite funny... hmmm... let's see how we go! Could be quite hilarious!

After all the entertainment, my boys persuaded me to go so they could go back to the land of their monotony!  But I'm sure they'll look at their introduction to transvestites as something positive!

School Holidays are here again!

So it's the first day of the school holidays. It's hard to plan anything, as my work is quite overwhelming at this time of year, and the boys tend to look at the school holidays as their time to sleep in, stay up late and not have any of the responsibilities they have during term. However, I tell them otherwise... that their chores still need to be done, that they need to continue their reading and somewhere along the line we will have some fun and they might get a chance to see some of their friends.

Last night, I took the boys to see 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid - Dog Days' which was quite funny, as I had forgotten that we had actually read the book as part of reading with my youngest and remembered the broken up version of what we read. Then we went out for dinner at our usual restaurant when we go to the movies (which I'm kind of getting sick of), and then we had the complaints... 'I don't want anything else to eat besides chips,' 'I want to go home, I'm tired' but then 'I want to stay up when we get home.' Aarrggghhh... it's not even Day One and it's on!

We talked about going to the Royal Melbourne Show this weekend thinking it was Grand Final day for the football, but I was wrong - it's next weekend, which hopefully means that the Show won't be so busy next Saturday, as most families get together with friends and have a barbecue or fill the 110,000 seats at the Melbourne Cricket Ground to watch the biggest event in September in Melbourne. (hopefully I haven't mozzed it!). I know I've been to the zoo on Grand Final day in the past and it was dead quiet, making it a much more enjoyable experience. The boys have looked at the website and have chosen their show bags, which rides they want to go on and what they want to do. Now we have a week to wait, there's plenty of bribing time in there to say that if they don't behave we won't go, so hopefully I will get a week's worth of good behaviour!

Today, it was a struggle to get the boys out of their pyjamas at 1.30pm and enjoy the sunshine by going for a walk and grabbing a milkshake at one of the local cafes. I wanted to walk through the local heathland which I've always known it to be there, but hadn't made an effort to actually walk through it, but unfortunately, we discovered it is gated heathland which is only open a couple of times a week to protect the foliage and animals that live there. So we couldn't get in.

Tomorrow, we're off to a fundraiser. A friend is going to Kenya in January to help an orphanage for a month and he needs to raise funds to help him get there, so we thought we would tag along. Hope to give you an update on that tomorrow and possibly some photos!

As for the rest of the week, there could be a sleepover at friends' houses, and a few play dates, but I think most of all, the boys are looking forward to their pyjama days. I also have them on my back about buying a TV for their playroom so they can set up their Wii which has been boxed since we moved here (Might have to just do it so that their noise is behind a closed door while I'm working!). They have had a big term, with moving house, going to Fiji, my oldest has been part of a solar boat challenge, my youngest has one-on-one tutor once a week, which is really intense for him, they have had their hockey and basketball, as well as everything else that goes on in their little heads and hearts.

It is hard when you're self-employed when school holidays come... the boys don't like holiday programs anymore... they might go to the basketball one at the local basketball stadium in the second week for a day, but otherwise they don't like going to any organised programs... however they were great when they were younger and they spent most of the holidays at them.

So that's the plan for the holidays. (not really a plan at all, is it!?). I'm sure I'll be going crazy by the end of it all, but I do like the fact that I don't have to get up to make breakfast, lunches and ensure they have everything they need in their school bags for a couple of weeks. It does take the pressure off a little bit... but then again, the pressure comes in a different form... :)

Fighting for Love...

I wasn't sure if I should call this post 'Fighting for Love' or 'One Sided Love...' I guess it's all in the perception of it all. But then you can decide what's best at the end of reading this :)

When you love someone whether they are your child, your lover, your spouse, your friends, your family, whoever they are, you do everything in your heart to protect them, support them, nurture them and be there for them. You show them your love through your communication, your active involvement in their lives, your impromptu hellos, your ability to make them feel good about themselves, your ability to make them get out of a mood, your hugs and your smiles. You make selfless acts to show them your love and how much they mean to you.

So when those elements of love aren't being given to those that you say you love, then do you really love them for everything that they are, or are you fighting for a different cause? Are you fighting for power, for justice or to combat loneliness just to have someone in your life? And do you really think that it maybe time to let go of the person or people that you say you love, because you aren't doing enough to show them that you do actually love them? If you truly loved someone, then your love would shine from within and not look like it was a burden to give.

So when someone you love disappears out of your life for the varying reasons that they do, do you fight for what you truly believe in? Do you do everything in your power to make them realise that your love for them is real, that you are always there for them, that you care for them deeply and you would do anything to have them back? Yes you do! Of course, there is the adage 'if you love someone set them free, if you let them go and they come back they are yours, if they don't they never were.' So many people allow time to heal, allow them to recognise what they love about you and then we reconnect with long lost loves, family members and spouses. But does it work in all cases?

Obviously not, because they wouldn't have said in the adage that if they don't come back, they never were yours... So why can't we fight for the loves in our life, show them the depth of our love for them, and what they mean to us, make them realise that what you actually have between you is worth holding onto? Why can't we allow our loved one to feel our love even if they choose to leave us out of their lives, just to let them know that we are always there for them? It's not an obsession... it's the power that love gives you to show people how much you deeply care for them, want them to be happy and want them in your lives.

Arrrrgghhh... such a frustrating argument. But in the end, love knows no boundaries... if you're fighting to keep your marriage intact, if you're fighting to keep in contact with an estranged sibling or child, if you're fighting for your truest love in your heart, you will do ANYTHING to ensure that they understand the love you have for them and the lengths you would go for them to be with them or have them in your life. That's what love does...

Some relationships start with an 'instant love' - the love you have for your children and your parents for example but it can also be 'love at first sight' that you can have with your partner and you really know when you meet that person that you have that instant connection that this person is the one who's meant to be with you. Other relationships start with a 'grow to love' like some partners and friends... Either the 'instant love' or the 'grow to love' can be one-sided or have their love fought for, but you will always find, that 'the grow to love' relationships are the ones that come and go permanently. They had no real love foundation because the love didn't come naturally - the love is based on other factors that don't play a part in their immediate lives anymore - in might be a parental bond in a marriage with their children but their children now have their independent lives and they don't need to rely on their parents being together, it might be that one person values their religious beliefs more than the other and it creates conflict within their relationship, it might be a common issue with friends that you've both resolved and don't need each other's support anymore, it could be that you've got completely different interests and involved in different social circles, in any way, the love can fall away.

But when you truly love someone, there are no boundaries... no cultural, no age, no body of water, no social, religious or political boundaries. You do what you can to show your love. You do everything legally possible (some may go illegally possible) to have the person you love in your life.

Of course, there are reasons from the other side why they choose not to have you in their life, and nine times out of ten, they still do want you in their lives, but they are conflicted about either hurts that have happened within the relationship, moral grounds that they had set their life up to be and are unsure about the path their heart truly wants to take, that they are physically being stopped by someone to access you (legally or morally).. but in the end, you know that your love for them is strong enough that you will be together again, and the fight will be worth it.

The Female Mid-Life Crisis

I write this on the back of listening to a radio segment today... the female announcer, who I believe is around the same age as me (38), maybe slightly older, and she was approached by a newspaper who wanted to write an article about the 'Female Mid-Life Crisis' and she was offended, thinking that a mid-life crisis is a bad thing.

But the callers were all ringing her saying how wonderful their mid-life crisis has been. They were saying that they came to a point that they realised that they had given so much of their life to other people - their parents, their partner, their kids and their friends, that they decided they would do something that made them feel good.

Their female mid-life crisis included everything from travel, to buying expensive clothes, tummy-tucks and boob-jobs, to a new hairstyle, studying, getting a tattoo, leaving their husband or leaving their job and either starting a new business or doing something far left from centre from what they had been doing.

Most of these mid-life crisis started after the age of forty, but I believe mine started when I was 34 when I left my kids and my husband to see my friend in London. Once I was there, that's when I said to myself that I had to stop waiting for husband to actually do something for me to move on to the next career phase of my life, I had to start doing it for myself. Six weeks after leaving London, I went to New Zealand with my sister for my aunt's birthday, and we attempted to go sky-diving, but it was snowing, so we couldn't go. Then I got my boys their passports and booked a trip to Fiji for the family, then two days after we came home from Fiji we went to see David Beckham play soccer in Auckland for the weekend, took my kids to Disneyland, I enrolled myself in my Masters in Writing (I've only completed 2 years of it), but then I started writing my first novel. Somewhere along the line, I left my husband, found a lover online, drove a convertible Mustang along Route 66 by myself, lost 22kgs and finally felt free to be myself, or really, find out who I was without the interference of parents, husbands & work to define me. And here I am at 38 and I want to keep the momentum going... but unfortunately, everyday life and plenty of speed-humps get in the way.

I must admit, it's nice being able to choose to do things without getting someone else's permission. If you want to go away for the weekend, you don't have to ask a partner or work, you just go, because you know what you're budget is like, and no one can stop you. Whereas, I remember plenty of times when I was married, how much of a struggle it was to convince my ex-husband to have a day-trip, the choice of restaurant we'd go to or even just go for a walk down the beach which was only 10 minutes from where we lived. He had no problem with me doing the big things, like going overseas or studying because I was the one earning the money to pay for them anyway, but the small things that make the in-between days better, they all seemed impossible. Of course now, my boys come everywhere with me, as they make it part of the adventure even though I still have to consider things like their height, age, food tastes and ability, but they are boys who love the adventures I give them, so they are generally happy with what we do.

I guess the female mid-life crisis all depends on when you start your 'responsible' life.... you know, the life that you break out of your parent's home and start your own life paying your own bills, cooking your own meals, starting a family, working full time, all the things that say 'I'm an adult now'. It could be the day you were married, the day you started studying on campus, or the day you left home to live with your boyfriend. I started when I was 18, so of course, my mid-life crisis started earlier than most, but those who left home at 24+ will most likely go through their crisis after they hit forty.

There is nothing wrong with going through a selfish phase... it's all about finding the real person you are without your attachments. Of course there are some taboos, like anything illegal or unethical, but generally, anything goes in a female mid-life crisis that will give you happiness, make you feel complete and finally find the person you always wanted to be.

Life Is Stranger than Fiction

It's interesting to see how easily people think they know their partner, lover, neighbour, the school mums, even their own parents or adult children, but sometimes things happen and you are just blown away by what happens.

I was talking to a man today about how he and his wife are splitting up after they discovered that they just grew apart - they had different interests, and weren't getting any mutual benefit from their marriage. They were being amicable and mature about it. He works in a good job, she a part time job while raising their two children, and he said to her that they should do things properly and get a lawyer each to divide things up and work out a parenting plan. His wife took his advice, and now the lawyer has insisted she go for everything, and she's turned into an evil money grabbing person who's trying to jeopardise his relationship, mainly with his daughter. It's like she is OK with him spending time with their son, but wants to make him out like he's an abuser with their daughter. Why wouldn't she be worried about both their children, not just one? He is being quite sensible about it, because he wants a proper father/child relationship with both his kids, and actually loves having them around and looking after them. He has a new respect for mothers who are always their for their kids as he's never had to do that side of the parenting before, but she just wants to ruin him, because the lawyer got in her ear. Why can things start off so mature and amicable then be totally destroyed by a hard-nosed legal practitioner? Obviously, the lawyer doesn't have the best interests of her client and their children at heart.

Then the next house I went to was owned by an elderly lady who had been in the same house for 61 years. When we were talking about how prime her location is, she jokingly mentioned that her home was close to the funeral home, so she didn't have far to go. We had a laugh, and I mentioned to her that she'd better check her rubbish bins, as last week there was a body found in one of the rubbish bins along the creek which was only a couple of hundred metres away from her. She hadn't heard about it, but didn't worry too much as she has her family members put things in the bin for her, so she would never go out and see if she did have a body in her bin. But it got me thinking...

As I am currently working on my third draft of my novel, and have decided to fictionalise aspects of it so not to be too direct in the events in my life, it's interesting how much of the real life stuff is so much better than the fiction I'm throwing in there. Some of the real life is a little self-absorbant, so I've changed real life conversations to reflect things that can make a fictional event happen, but the intensity of the real has so much more impact! I guess it can't be all intensity, it needs some light and shade, hence the fiction. But it also makes it easier making up conversations that happened in real life, than remembering things word for word, so the fiction does play two parts in the story... The other good thing about adding fiction to a story, is that people will always be questioning what is real and what is not, and only the people involved will truly know the real answer to that. I guess that's why all movies 'based' on real life, can't be historically correct and can annoy those either involved that their true story wasn't told, or when people feel like they are being victimised as the story wasn't the exact account that happened and feel like they are being punished by nosy readers, friends or family members who believe the truth in the whole story. Everyone always needs to remember that a story is generally only told in one point of view, it's how the main character feels about things and the journey of growth within that character, and if someone else wants to tell their side of the story, well they have the right to do so as well. Oooh, that could be a create concept of a series of books! Can you imagine, having the first book written in the protagonist's point of view, the second in the antagonist's point of view of the same events, then throw in additional books based on other characters within the story... can you imagine how different they would all be?

So as I felt some of the intense drama leaving my life, somehow it's come back with a vengeance... more fodder for more stories, because for some reason, 'boring' doesn't exist in my life, as for some reason my life is truly stranger than fiction!

Passion...

I've been speaking to a few people over the past few days about their relationships and there seems to be one key element that is there, or isn't... passion.

I almost had 50 something year old lady in tears this morning... we were talking about her late 20s/early 30s children and their desire to stay single, have their own space and have no cares about marriage or children. She had come to accept it as part of 'their generation.' She thought it was actually a smart decision, especially when there are so many divorces and children left behind, that it was better to do it when they were ready, if they wanted to. We talked about a few other people's marriages, including my own, and then I asked her about hers... she said she had been married 34 years and somewhere along the line they had become more like brother and sister, than a married couple. I said she was still young, she still had passion in her eyes, and she shrugged knowing that she did, but her husband wasn't interested... as I said, I almost had her in tears...

I watched a new television series in Australia, based on life in the 1970s called 'Puberty Blues' tonight... and there was a 40+ year old man on the show having an affair with a 22 year old. She decided to break it off with him over the phone because she couldn't be having sex with an 'old man' for the rest of her life. He was devastated because he hated being this youthful vibrant man stuck in an 'old man's' body. His wife had turned into a prudish no-one, not interested in life, him or doing anything that was remotely exciting, and he just needed more.

I also had a conversation with another lady, and she has some serious dilemmas go on in her life, that are gravely affecting her husband's passion for her. They are newly married in their early 40s, but he us just so distant because of his emotional issues to do with work and extended family life, that he's lost all the passion he brought to their relationship when they were first married. It didn't take long before it wore away, and she would love to rekindle his passion for her, but his mind is not there... not for the moment anyway.

And then I think about what I have with my lover... the intense passion we have for each other, the ability to know how to kiss and caress each other in ways that are instinctive to each other... how we unite spiritually through our love-making, how we make everything different yet so pleasurable together... it's like every time is finding something new between us, and how utterly orgasmic it is between us. It's a deeply rooted passion that is there to stay, no matter the circumstances. It's something that is there, no matter how old you are, or how long you've been together, the pleasure and passion is generated with fire screaming from every part of you, because of the desire you have for each other.

Sex does become robotic with familiarity... but it doesn't need to be. You can bring back the passion in so many ways... the seduction, the romance, the spontaneity, the eagerness... it can re-unite those who have forgotten what made them fall in love with each other in the first place, or give you something completely new to look forward to. But in saying all of this, there needs to be sexual compatibility between you in the first place, otherwise the passion will never truly ever be there...

Fantasies...

How uncomfortable is it when you are being intimate with someone and they ask you if you fantasise about them when you're alone, and you don't? Or even while you're in the heat of the moment and you're thinking of someone else to get you over the line? What do you say? Do you scream out someone else's name?! Ha... wouldn't that be a laugh!

I guess it depends on how 'close' you are to the person emotionally. I know my ex husband can thank the likes of Robbie Williams and Matthew McConnaughey for the last five years of our sexual intimacy as I imagined what it would be like to straddle their taut and muscular bodies, versus his pudgy squiggy torso. I know it is a complete turn off for many to know that their sexual partner is thinking of someone else, but sometimes you just need to to get your full sexual satisfaction, and make it a fabulous experience for both of you.

I watched a French documentary about the female orgasm a few years back, and I remember this 65 year old lady reminiscing about the first man she slept with after divorcing her husband of 25 years. She said it was the most erotic, intensely immeasurable pleasure she had ever experienced. She had this man once, but it was her ultimate orgasmic experience and nothing has ever come close. But she fantasises about that experience every time she masturbates, because that's her nirvana.

And I know I'm the same... once you've had that unforgettable experience with someone who just connects with you in such an extraordinary way, that person, those feelings, that intensity is what helps you connect your mind with your body to achieve orgasmic pleasure. And you can never go back... It is possible to never have sex again with a partner if you know that you have the image of your ultimate satisfaction in your head and a top of the range vibrator to recreate that perfect moment.

As everything else truly disappoints you really don't want to go back to someone who is selfish in their love making, doesn't listen or respond to how your body reacts to certain touches or is too busy worrying about their own ejaculation to persist with your pleasure. You can understand why people like Diane Keaton seem extraordinarily happy with their celibacy if they are able to pleasure themselves via the fantasy of their most amazing sexual experience. They don't need anyone in their lives to pleasure them, they can do it themselves.

Many men, think they have the power to create pleasure for women, but only a minute percentage of men do. It's not your equipment... your big hard cock, large fingers or a darting tongue that is needed to pleasure a woman, it's how you connect with our minds and respond to how our bodies take on your touch that gives us immense pleasure... You need to know the pleasure points, and you need to activate them.

Personally, I think it is human nature for people to be intimate and think of others... it's emotional adultery without the consequences! But really, once you have the best lover you could possibly ever have, you can be sexually satisfied for the rest of your life with just you, your fantasies and a vibrating toy.

Lies, lies and dishonesty

As some of you know, I am a very big advocate for honesty. Mainly because of the intense hurt my ex husband lied to me in so many ways. In some ways his lies weren't intentional, they were lies to make himself better than he actually was, and in fact his lies were more to himself, as he wasn't able to prove to himself that he could be better, so he made it up and told the world about his illusion of international success, professional expertise, how he worked in the city, how he enjoyed his children and how much he worked so hard for all the things that he deserved. While at the same time, he told many people that my job was just something to help me keep busy while he was busy having his success. When, in reality, I was the one supporting his business financially, I was the one working my butt off, I was the one whose business was a success, I was the one who organised fun times with the boys and I should have been the one driving the Mercedes and going on overseas trips... I was just too busy working to tell people about my successes. And those lies and the fact that he couldn't cope with his little luxuries that I gave him on a platter, were the reason why we split. And since then, the truth has come out... he doesn't own a car, he rarely sees his children or interacts with them by phone or Skype, and he's supposedly making under $800 a week, which means he's hardly supporting his sons at all... It just shows the truth behind the man...

So when a friend gets blatantly lied to, if it's my business or not, I will tell them. I am not judgemental, and I will respect my friend's wishes to live the life they choose to live, as long as they are not being conned by those they choose to live their life with. I always tell my children that 'two wrongs don't make a right,' 'if someone does something you don't like or annoys you or attempts to hurt you, be mature and walk away - don't succumb to their pettiness.' I would prefer that my friends be told if someone is hurting them than for them to be living with constant hurt or betrayal. It is then their choice to do something about it. Yes, I am instantly hurting them by revealing some badness in their lives unknown to them, but it is a hurt that is short lived compared with what they did not know what happening behind their backs, that could have devastating results in the future and if it lingers.

I have some dear friends who I treasure with all my heart, and I will do anything to make them feel safe, happy and wanted in the true spirit of friendship, no matter where they are in the world. If they don't see my true intentions of their happiness immediately, I know they will in time and they will thank me for being the true friend, or the angel, that is always there for them, no matter what.

Finding love in the retirement years...

I met an 80 year old lady the other day who still had a little twinkle in her eye. We talked about her life, and how over her 80 years, she had had three husbands. Her first husband, the father of her children, died when he was 46, then she met a man who she married and it wasn't long before she discovered he was an alcoholic and quite abusive to her, so she left him, and when she was 58 she met this wonderful man who was on the edge of suicide, was 18 years her senior, but for some reason, she felt compelled to care for him.

She said that they had the most happiest time together and brought so much joy into each other's lives. They married and enjoyed each other sexually, on romantic nights out and had common interests like their bowling club and traveling through their twilight years. When she met him, he was lost living in Australia. He had recently lost his wife who passed away, committed to only knowing people from his ethnic club and didn't know that he could have a more fruitful life without those things in his life. His English was poor, but for some reason, they understood each other and had the best of times together.

Sadly, he died two years ago at the age of 96, and she was actually his carer for the last 8 years of his life. She was selling his home to finalise his Will to be split between her and his only son, so she could move to a retirement village.

She told me that she had seen many retirement village units over the past few months with her daughter, and she has now found one. She's excited, because she has a new kitchen and bathroom, a little garden to look after and there's a great community feel of active retirees. Her daughter started nudging her to say that she might find someone special here! But she said, "No way, I think three men in my life was enough." I then proceeded to tell her about my grandfather who always bragged about his stash of Viagra in his fridge to lure the retired ladies into his room... telling her that it does continue, no matter how old you are!

But it did make me think... Why do people, even young people, feel like there is an expiry date on our sexual needs and desire? I know it's not the most attractive thought of wrinkly bodies bumping uglies and making sure that their pacemaker gets them through to their orgasmic delight, but I don't think love, affection and intimacy could ever not be desired, no matter how old you are. I know you can switch off from it when other things dominate your life, but in reality, once you get touched with affection, it all comes back to you like a sizzling sensation that just overwhelms you! I'd hope that I have someone special when I'm 80 to have some fun with. No matter what age we are, we're not dead yet, we still have feelings and desire... it's only human...

Fathers' Day

Father's Day is a day for all of us to embrace our Dads, grandfathers, uncles and father-figures and tell them all what they mean to me. Admittedly, I have never really had a chance to be close to my grand-fathers, who are now both in heaven, due to them living in a different country, my uncles pre-dominantly the same, except for my mother's brother who kept a distance from us for unknown reasons. My Dad and I have always had an unstable relationship, of which I have tried many a time to do things from my heart for him, only for it to not be appreciated in the way that I'd hoped. And my ex-husband is literally in the top 10% of the worst fathers ever created... so as you can see, it's not exactly a day to celebrate for me... I have, in the past, given Fathers Day gifts to people who have been father-figures to my boys - people like my brother-in-law who was yet to be a father but a fantastic uncle to my boys, and my lover to show him that I appreciate the effort and love he showed all of us...

So for my own Dad, I will reflect on some of the memories I have had with him without it sounding like a eulogy... :)

As I grew up, my Dad was a builder, so each weekend was time for us kids to get our hands dirty. But I only really remember me helping, while the others were complaining about how hard the work was... I remember helping day get rid of a big pile of timber in the front yard with my gum boots on, and when we were almost finished, I could feel my feet aching and I didn't know why. Dad told me to take my gumboots off, and somehow I had stepped on two rusty nails that had gone through my boots, socks and feet. Lo and behold, he told me to go inside and get Mum to look at them...

When I was about 11 or 12, I helped Dad clean up the building sites on the weekends. Sometimes, it might haven been chipping off old tiles off the kitchen floor ready for Monday so that they could sand it back and put a new flooring on, or painting the insides of the wardrobes (the places that no one could see) rather than paying a painter to do them, and sometimes it was generally a huge clean up of putting builder's rubble into wheelbarrows or plasterer's buckets and carting them off to the skip. I do remember plenty of trips to the tip with Dad.

Dad did take us all swimming each and every Thursday night and every second Sunday morning. By the time, I was about ten, it seemed like I was the only one going regularly out of my three sisters and I, especially Thursday nights. I remembered on the way home, Dad would talk to me about things like how a car worked or the names for the different sides of a boat, but most nights we drove in silence. One night we went swimming, and my Dad told me once we were there, that he had organised a surprise 40th birthday party for Mum when we got home. That all their friends were travelling from all over Melbourne to be there from about 9.15pm on a Thursday night. Dad had secretly put all the food, birthday cake and drinks in the cellar, and my other sisters didn't know a thing... in fact, the little ones would have already been in bed by the time we got home. I remember how excited I was that I had a 'secret' and that Dad had trusted me with that secret. We got home, and Mum wasn't feeling too well... she had a migraine and said once we walked in the door that she needed to go to bed. I could see the disappointment in Dad's face. Within a minute of her saying that, the doorbell rang. Mum, quite annoyed, said "Who the hell could that be at this time of night?" She opened the door, and all her friends were there screaming out "Happy Birthday." Mum took some painkillers, and kept a brave face for the rest of the night's celebrations, as Dad had never gone to so much effort for her ever.

On rainy weekends, Dad did play Monopoly with my sisters and I, and he tried to teach us the rules, but none of us could understand because we didn't know the reality of buying and selling real estate, what mortgages were, or even what interest was... so he always won, and took the fun out of it. He did, teach us plenty of card games, and that is where we found our equilibrium. We would play card games before or after dinner, like cribbage, gin rummy and hearts, depending on how long and how many people wanted to play. We had a table tennis table, and at the start, he again took the fun out of it as we didn't have the skill, but we soon learnt the tricks of the trade and were able to fend off Dad's tactical plays.

After I finished Year 8 (I was 14) and had a report card that had straight As, Dad gave my older sister and I our very first presents from him... yes, he'd given us presents before jointly with Mum, but never something that he took any time and effort to go out and buy himself and make us feel special to him... he bought both of us a Tandy Electronics Scientific Calculator to say that he was proud of us. I cherished that calculator for over 20 years... and it's only very recently that I've replaced it because a particular person I was married to treated it like it was 'just a calculator.'

Mum and Dad did take us on road trips along the East Coast of Australia. We drove to Port Macquarie, Tasmania (via the ferry), Dalmeny on the South Coast of NSW and the Barossa Valley in South Australia, as well as many trips around Victoria. We all had our designated seats in our 8-seater mini van, mine behind Dad driving reading the road map explaining how many kilometres it was to our next destination, or where the next best stop was for lunch.

They were my bonding times with my Dad... that I am thankful that there are a handful of those... I have tried many times to do things that I thought he would be proud of with me, giving him gifts that come from the heart, opening my house to him and his friends for my parent's surprise 40th wedding anniversary party and even giving him grandsons to at last have some 'boys' in his life. But whatever I do, I just feel unappreciated.

I know my Dad only has a few years left in his life and I really don't know how it's possible to create happier memories with him as his health deteriorates. But I do love my Dad and I wish him all the best this Fathers Day. We are celebrating with him next week, as my sisters with their husbands choose to enjoy the day spending time with their children.

Happy Fathers Day to all the wonderful, caring fathers out there who cherish their children, are proud of their children and are always there for their children no matter what.