Gratitude

My year hasn't gone to plan so far. I keep getting kicked in the teeth for making bold moves, wanting to transform my life into something new, wanting to break free from what has essentially been a million strings pulling back to my home base, when all I want to do is be set free and discover who I am and who I can be without all the attachments. I feel like I'm going up shit creek without a paddle. Absolutely nowhere. So today I bought myself a 'gratitude diary.'

Kikki K sell them, as well as other diaries for goals, diets, inspiration, students, scrapbooking diaries, albums, and anything else you want to keep as a keepsake. I bought it, as it seems like I'm not going anywhere fast, so I'd better be grateful for what I have today, so I can grow for tomorrow.

It is so hard not being where your heart wants to be. Almost impossible. My heart wants to be where I can climb mountains (not hills, like we have in Australia), taste fresh mountain water, feel the dry sun heat on my skin so it can prickle and I can feel alive. I want to breath in fresh air and I want to write about it... write about it like it's in my present, not a recollection of my past. I want life to slow down, I want to know what it's like to 'feel' again, as the numbness inside is literally overwhelming... but as I can't have all that, I must be grateful for what I do have.

The first thing I'm grateful for, is my two boys. They have the most loving hearts, they are the best of friends, and they know how to look after their mum in times when I should be looking after them. They are my best friends, and I share my life with them in every way possible, because we are like the Three Musketeers, there for each other when we need each other. I hear stories about how my boys look after each other on the school playgrounds, that they look out for each other when they need some help amongst their peers. They truly are the best sons a mother could wish for, even if they do fight and get under each other's skin sometimes, there is more love between them that annoyance and bitterness.

The second thing I'm grateful for is my global network of friends. I have friends in London, the US, New Zealand, Tokyo (who's almost about to move back to Switzerland!), Brazil, Singapore... friends in almost every corner of the world, and no matter what time of day it is, I can contact them and stretch out my network to my other friends. I love knowing that they can travel and surround themselves in nature's beauty, something that I try to do, as small as it seems, everyday.

And my third thing today, was even though I kept putting off buying some urgent things for the boys and I due to reducing the load to travel, I caved today and bought the boys some new clothes, and some make-up for me... and every single thing I bought was heavily discounted!! The boy's clothes were 30% off, my make-up was 50% off and my Gratitude diary was 75% off (as they gave me a $20 discount in May to buy something in the shop in June)! Gotta love a day like that!

So now I have some quiet time, and I'm going to write the next chapter of my 2nd draft of 'On the Road to the Best Orgasm Ever' - the book I've been working on now for two years... the book that I have huge hopes on to change my life...