All Suitcased Up and Stuck (for a few more days)

Well we survived the move out of the place we used to call 'home' and are stuck in a 2 roomed hotel apartment for the next seven days. We have suitcases everywhere, which were mighty fun as we mounted two flights of stairs with them.

I must admit, I was mighty proud of my boys today, because when I asked them that it's time to help, they helped like I've never seen before. Taking boxes up to the moving truck, box after box, all the way from our rear unit passed units one and two to the street as I tried to hurry up the hourly rate process my movers were charging me. My little one wanted praise every time he lifted another box, telling me that he had already done two more boxes than his big brother and that he was a bigger help. As a reward, he was able to choose what we had for dinner.

Then, the poor thing, got jammed in the car between the car door and the esky with a washing basket holding my printer on top, and every time I made a left hand turn, the washing basket would invade his space even more and fly into his head. He soon learnt to hold onto it, as I learnt to say "I'm turning!"

With all the lifting, cleaning, walking between the truck and the house and lugging about suitcases, I'm sure I'm going to be aching all over in the morning... but it's well worth it, knowing what will happen in a little over a week. :)

The last night of my mortgage!

In some ways it's sad... in other ways it's a relief. It's the end of all financial connection to my ex-husband and whatever is mine is mine. So it's good! I'm not burdened with my huge monthly mortgage, nor the maintenance costs, the council rates or the sense of restriction that owning a house can create. Yes, it gives you security that you have a place to call home, a place that you know all your things are and a place where your create family memories, but a house is only the home you make it... and you can make a home wherever you lay your hat. For me, the restriction of a mortgage is also the restriction on my dreams.

Our bags are packed, boxes are ready for storage and we're pretty much ready to go. My boys are excited that we will be officially homeless as of 2pm tomorrow, with only 2 suitcases and a backpack/laptop bag to drag around each. We have a week to say goodbye to everyone, including two days of school for my boys, before we set off on our great adventure.

It's amazing how much stuff I have given away, Ebayed, donated to charity or just thrown in the bin. I have our belongings to the bare minimum of what we want to keep for when we get back. I remember when I moved in here, we were pretty much functioning and I still had over fifty boxes to unpack. I've got rid of so much stuff, I am only moving 25 boxes - that's it! The hard stuff is finding a home for all the opened fridge/freezer food and the cleaning products... neighbours will only take so much :)  But it really does make you understand how much you can get by to live on... The memory of 'things' will always be with you, you don't need to have them around you to remember.

But the one thing that sort of gets to me is looking at my keyring and seeing that all I will have left on it is a key to a storage facility and a whole heap of luggage padlock keys until I arrive at my new destination in ten days time. In some ways it's liberating, in other ways it's a little frightening, but I'm looking at the positive, knowing that we are about to embark on an adventure, about to live a completely different life, a more simpler life and a much more affordable life than what we're accustomed.

What will happen after tomorrow will be amazing... I so can't wait for it all to happen!

Getting Ready for the Big Move.

Moving house is never fun. However, you must admit, it can be cleansing. Most 'intend' to pack what they want to move, and discard all those things that they don't need in their lives any more. Others get the movers to pack everything and all you do is shift one lot of stuff to another place with no sense in what you've taken with you.

When packing your boxes yourself, you soon realise how much stuff you can live without. Old birthday cards, dated sheet sets, clothes and shoes that you no longer wear, toys your kids have outgrown, broken things you've not bothered to toss out, out of date perfumes and food stuffs... the list goes on.

With four days to finish packing, I have reduced my wares to currently 10 boxes of 'must keep' stuff, 3 archive boxes of memories - one for each of us, a box of sporting goods/tools ('the outdoors' box), a box of glassware (that I'm really tempted to give to charity), a box of Lego and a Christmas decorations box (oh, and the 'must keep' tax records...) All I have to pack still is half the kitchen and sort out our clothes.

There have been plenty of things going to charity as well as other things selling on Ebay. I'm keeping my basic furniture and tossing out all food stuffs and cleaning products once I have finished. We will be down to our bare basics and free to do what we want! :)

It's amazing how healing it is to be relentless and throw away things that were once dear to you. I've given to charity teddy bears from old boyfriends, thrown away my whole teenage letter collection, and got rid of all the DVDs that my boys once loved and are treasured classics, but I'm afraid will no longer be viewed. I've probably thrown away thousands of dollars worth of stuff that have gone passed our used-by date, but at the same time, I've made a pretty penny selling stuff too. Either way, it all helps rid ourselves of one life and move onto the next.

The Adventure is About to Begin!

It's been a busy week training staff, packing boxes, Ebaying everything that has some value, working out what to pack, what to keep, what we've outgrown. We have 6 days left in the house we used to call home (it hasn't been 'home' since it had to be 'perfect' for sale) before we are officially homeless and free! Free of mortgages, free of car leases, free of legal fees, free to be able to shoot the breeze and live life to the fullest.

My boys are excited about the adventure ahead. The changing climate, the different cultures and a new way of life which I will divulge when we get there. But what I will reveal is that we are about to go through a life-changing moment where I will be able to dedicate more time to my boys, go on more adventures, spend time writing my book, cruise the open road and live more affordably. We won't be confined to a certain area of the world due to geography - the internet makes working and contact people possible without a locality restriction. The possibilities are endless, the opportunities are infinite.

'Sex and the Single Mum' will take on a more positive, exciting journey that I want you all to be a part of.  I will post more photos, more often and tell you about the fun times, the scary times, the adrenalin rushes and the love that we will share as our single parent family. I want to share with you the people that we meet, the places that we go and the happy times that we share. It's going to be fabulous year, a fabulous life, an amazing journey... something that I hope I can inspire you all to do for yourselves too.

Warmest regards,

Suzy J.

Making a Little Girl's Day

On the weekend, I had a variety of strange, but very kind people, knocking on my door to pick up Ebay items I had sold to them. I got talking to most as most wanted to know why I was selling the particular item they bought. As the lovely man who bought my outdoor dining setting walked passed my guinea pigs, I asked him "You don't know anyone who would want them? They are free to good home!"

He stopped. His face changed. And said "Well yes! My niece has a hutch and we were going to give her a bunny, but guinea pigs would be just as good." He had a quick look at them, and I told him what else comes with our mow hawk black & white friend Johnny & our brindle coloured friend Speedie - a portable cage, feeding bowls, extra hay and their food storage container. He liked the sound of it, and said he would let me know in the next twenty-four hours.

It was less than that when I received a text from him that he'd pick them up the next day. I prepared my boys to accept that their furry friends had found a new home. My younger son was hoping that they would go to one of their friends so that we could keep in contact with them. But I assured him, it would be better that they went to someone who loved them and would care for them because they were wanted.

The next day, I met Ruby. Ruby was a gorgeous little girl, who you could see has had some emotional problems. She was over-compensating to try and fit in. Ruby was about 10 years old, very bubbly and was moving in with her uncle and her mum after her parent's split. Her uncle wanted to help his sister look after Ruby after all the hardship that she's been through after the divorce. And Johnny & Speedie were going to be her new companions too.

When she arrived, she had no idea why she was here. It was a surprise. I told her to follow me and I led her outside to where Johnny & Speedie lived. She saw them and thought they were so cute. She held Johnny, then Speedie, and you could see that they were happy in her arms.

"Do you like them Ruby?" I asked.
"Yes. They are so cute!" she said.
"Would you like to keep them?" I asked.
Her eyes opened widely and she looked up at her uncle to say 'Can we? Can we?'
"That's why we are here Ruby," he said. "They needed a new home and I thought that you would like them."
"So I get to have two pets, not one?" she said, as she'd been talking about getting a rabbit for her hutch at home.
"Yes!"

You could see the excitement in her face. She wanted to know the logistics - how were they going to take them home? What's mum going to say? Things that had already been worked out between her uncle and I.

After we got Johnny & Speedie ready for their new journey, Ruby told me about all the things that had happened that week that were surprises - a trip to the beach, her new guinea pig friends and her uncle moving in with them. You could see the love her uncle had for her and that he wanted to show her that she hadn't been forgotten at this emotionally torturous time. We said goodbye to Johnny & Speedie and I started to cry.

I was really attached to this little creatures. They had helped me through some pretty hard times over the last few months and it was really hard letting them go. I'm going to miss their little faces, their little squeaks, walking passed them each time I jumped in the car or came home. They were my first real pets. We'd had fish & I grew up with a budgie, but they were the first cuddly creatures I'd ever had. I understand why it's so painful when a pet dies or is in distress. You love them unconditionally, and now they had been taken away.

But I know that they will be loved, as Ruby's face and reactions were just priceless. It was nice knowing that they will be going to a loving caring home and that someone didn't take them off our hands to 'help us out.' Johnny and Speedie will always be remembered as being part of our family and the day that they made a little girl happy after her day at the beach.

As love grows...

It's funny how in one way, when things are taken away from you, you have a greater appreciation for them when they're gone, but in other ways, when they are taken away from you, you can also feel the release of pressure knowing that the time is right for whatever it is to go and you can move on.

Is that how we define love? Knowing the difference between appreciation in our lives and pressure in our lives? The pressure causes huge amounts of exhaustion, stress, animosity and discomfort that can lead to both mental and physical health issues. It niggles at you, eats you up inside and you feel like you're always treading on thin ice with that person. Whereas, when you have appreciation for a loved one, you have the ability to forgive, enjoy, laugh, show mercy, help and embrace the love you have for that person.

Love has a unique way of subtly creating opportunities that unite you more - finding shared interests, spending down time together enjoying each other's company, reading to each other, listening to music together, or even a shared passion in cooking, walking, mountain bike riding or antique shopping. Things that you had never discovered about your partner, your family or your kids, it's something that clicks, and you find you've got a common love, besides each other.

I guess, when you spend more time with your loved ones, especially on neutral terms, you both tend to open up about your hopes, wishes and dreams. Little things come to a head and the penny starts to drop about your loved ones hopes and fears. Your new found awareness of their desires helps you redefine how you treat that person, knowing that, you too, have unknowingly affected your loved one hurtfully and unintentionally. And if that aspect in your relationship is fixed, then it helps build your relationship into a stronger place.

And that's where acceptance comes in. Acceptance only comes between two parties when animosity is dissolved. If one party remains to have animosity for the other, acceptance can not be acquired. There is always that hidden tension that causes stress and worry, the exact stress and worry that doesn't allow a relationship to grow. It becomes stagnant and starts growing bacteria. And what do you do with those relationships? Do you try to mend them, or let them go? But how can you mend them if the other has the animosity with you? It will always be there, even if you try to talk it out. If they can't be rational and get down to their deepest darkest feelings, resentments or fears with you, the animosity will always be there. So do you accept that is the way that person is, and they will never change, and walk away, or do you push on, knowing that a cloud is alway lurking above you whenever you interact with your loved one? It's a hard choice... but you have to decide what's best for you.

As your love grows for others, so does the love you have for yourself. You become more comfortable in your own skin, more aware of your senses, more in tune with your own needs and others. So best of all, love is good for our soul. It's what we need the most.

Time Out...

I'm currently getting those rare couple of nights without my boys being in the house. Last time we weren't together was when I was in San Francisco a little over five months ago. The house is dead quiet, there's no picking up to do, dishes to wash that I didn't create myself, clothes to wash or telling someone to go to bed. So what do I do with myself?

Besides working, packing to move house, Ebaying anything I can get my hands on and sending everything else to the charity bins, I did manage to have a nice dinner out tonight with one of my closest friends. It was at a gorgeous beachfront restaurant where we had seafood and wine and a beautiful hot-melt cheesecake with a pistachio crust and vanilla bean ice-cream. It was funny, as the last time we were both at this restaurant, we both shed tears. Me, because it was the second last night with my lover in Melbourne and we talked about some of our realities. She, because she was the new addition to her lover's family life and his family were upset with him for leaving his wife. Oh what we put ourselves through. :)

I have also managed to get in some exercise - runs along the beach, a girlie flick and it was so nice this morning waking up with no screams, TV or clashes of dishes to be heard.

But I do miss them... miss hearing them tell me how the other did wrong by them, when they come up and give me a cuddle or when they are excited about something they are about to do. I have two more nights of quiet time before it comes back again. Maybe I should just enjoy it while it lasts :)

Believing in the good in your kids

I think there is a stigma about children raised by single parents. Especially those raised by single mums and there is no Dad to be seen. That the parents are always at work, working two jobs or more trying to make ends meet, so the children are left to fend for themselves, regularly getting in trouble at school, wagging school, or getting in trouble with the law. I don't know the percentages of children from 'broken homes' that are unlawful to those from nuclear families that are unlawful, but the feeling is that those from a dysfunctional family life are more likely to rebel.

So in saying that, what about all the 'good' that comes from growing up with a single parent? The extra responsibilities in helping around the home, street wise independence that gives our children courage, road sense and orientation, the ability to work autonomously, the ability to share with their siblings because less is available for them to individually have and an earlier understanding of 'real life.' All these things can't be discounted from their lives, and may actually make them better than their molly-coddled nuclear cousins, because they need to strive beyond the obstacles, the stereotypes and the poverty to make something of themselves.

For instance, celebrities who grew up in a single parent home include Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey, Rene Russo, Jodie Foster, Malcolm Forbes Jr (the editor of Forbes magazine), 50 Cent, Demi Moore, Natasha & Joely Richardson (mother Vanessa Redgrave), Lance Armstrong, Celine Dion and Selena Gomez. It's a small list of over-achieving rags-to-riches people who believed in their abilities and have made great professional successes of themselves.

I met this really nice eighteen year old man yesterday who was one of those over-achieving, level-headed kids from a single parent home. He was the product of a sperm donation after his mother's husband had a kidney problem and couldn't conceive. But her husband had terrible physical and mental problems, and when he was three she left him. Over the years, he spent one year going to five different schools, another year travelling across Australia while his Mum home schooled him, he spent three years in boarding schools (aged 9-12) because his mum had a job overseas, his mum would even leave him home alone for two-three nights at the age of twelve, and it was only his last four years of high school that he had some consistency. Now, just out of high school, his is in charge of administrating his mother's business when she goes interstate on business, he's dedicated to furthering his studies and he's just one of those kids who embraces the simple things in life, takes responsibility seriously, does what is asked of him and loves his extended family. Of course he rebelled and experimented with things, but that's all it was... he knows what to do to make something of himself.

For me, talking to him, made me feel that being a single mum was the right thing to do for my boys. That their family background shouldn't discourage them from being the best they can be. I guess it's all in the attitude of the child, that they are ingrained in themselves that they have a belief in themselves, and it isn't discouraged.

Open Relationships

I recently had a chat with another single mum who's husband left her for another woman. She was older than her husband by seven years, but quite youthful in her look, demeanour and outlook on life. We had a chat about other's perceptions of relationships - those who are in the 'box' and those who are open to being outside the box.

We could pinpoint those that are in the box as those from another generation, but after a little thought, it wasn't our parent's generation that are fixed on the fact that you get married, have a family and live happily ever after. It really is the 'picket fence' dream we all have, but unfortunately its not the reality for most. Those in their twenties still try to live to that dream, those in their fifties - if they have survived the teenage years of their children and still have a loving relationship with their husband/wife, they are living the dream, and those in their twilight years who have lost their life partner after decades of marriage remember the dream, and have all the treasures of loved children, grand-children and great-grand-children to remind them how wonderful the dream was.

Whenever someone introduces a new partner to their family and friends, there is always that common question when your family/friends are unsure of your new beau or wanting to see you live in the 'box:' 'Where is it going?' My answer to that is, 'does it need to go anywhere?' Can't friends be friends and lovers without it needing to lead to marriage, more children or happily ever after? Can't we just enjoy each other's company for now, knowing that what we have makes us happy, makes us feel desirable, makes us feel loved? So many others want more for you... but it's not what you want.

Unfortunately for the 'box' people, there is an under-lying subculture that is constantly growing and less accepted because it defies the family tradition that we all were 'told' that we wanted and set out to achieve. The open relationship. The relationship that says 'I love my wife/husband' as we have our family in common, we have our finances in common and we have a home together, but I need more and I have found more in someone else. I guess it's having the courage to actually be honest within your marriage to say "Hey, something's not working here. You aren't here for me in the way I need. I'm not here for you in the ways that you need. Maybe we need to develop other interests around our marriage that won't interfere with the true bond of our marriage, if we want to keep our marriage together." Some can accept being outside the 'box,' other's can't. They worry too much about what other people think, how it would change the dynamics of their family unit or that they fear loneliness and betrayal when their partner is galavanting around with their lover.

We talked about a relationship she knew about, where the wife was having an affair, which the husband accepted. She suggested that he too find someone, which was hard for him at the start, but within a couple of years he too found a lover. They lived this life like this for about seven years before she suggested that they sell the house and buy their own homes. That was the cruncher for him. He thought that if they live in separate homes, they might as well be divorced and stop playing a charade to the family that they were still together. They were married for thirty years, and he now thinks back that they should have ended it when he first found out about her affair.

But there are also those relationships where one partner knows something is going on as they see renewed vitality in their partner but aren't sure where it comes from, as they know it isn't them, as they know that they aren't the person they used to be for their partner. These couples also avoid being together alone. They are fine when family is around, and actually encourage family to visit or ask to be invited to their home, but put them in a room by themselves, and they struggle for conversation, they struggle for common hobbies, they struggle to be intimate and the only thing that keeps them excited about their future together is the next generation. They spend less and less time together as they find individual hobbies or increase their work commitments, and in their time apart, they find someone who makes them feel attractive, feel alive, feel like a person again, rather than a provider, a spouse or a parent. The partner who isn't having the affair, accepts that someone else is doing this to their partner, fulfilling a role that they no longer can't or wish to do. It's an unspoken truth, an acceptance of the lack in themselves rather than an acceptance of their partner's infidelities. They are prepared to live the lie to keep the 'dream' alive, but constantly feel hurt because they aren't able to fulfil their partner's needs. They have accepted their open relationship without the philandering partner being aware.

Then, of course, there are open relationships that consist of swinging, threesomes, cybersex, all sorts of unconventional love lives that go against the 'picket fence' dream. And really, if you talked to one hundred people in their thirties to sixties, you'll find that at least twenty would admit to being in an open relationship, but there would be another fifty who have had some type or infidelity in their marriage, even if it was something as innocent (or risque) as having a drunken night with friends in close quarters and kissing your best friend's husband in a loving way (or even kissing your best friend!).

Some call it flirting, some call it an infidelity. But we are all more prone to do it because we all want love in different ways or want some spontaneous fun, and some can't find all the love they need in one person. And that's OK. But what we all need to understand about humankind more than anything, is that every relationship is different, and what works for you may not work for others. You can't impose your standards of life on another - I accept your way that you choose to live your life, and I expect you to accept the way that I choose to live my life. I'm not hurting you in the process, and you're not hurting me. (btw, using the pronouns 'you,' 'me,' 'I,' & 'your' isn't meant to be 'me' personally, it's just a figure of speech, more of a chakra for those who are feeling the judgment).

We all need to be open to unconventional thought and action. The church is, not like they condone it, it's more that they are opening their eyes to behaviour that's against Christian norms. In our secular world, I find more people with religious backgrounds are less likely to preach than those with secular backgrounds. Regular congregators listen with an open heart and mind, but don't put their own moral judgements on your life. They know it's your decision in the end. But that's another blog isn't it?! :)

People Who Touch Our Souls

2012 seems to be a new beginning for most. A time to lose all animosity we've had for others, a time for forgiveness, a time to move on. It's also a time to discover new people who could have been simply under our noses and we've had a chance to get to know them and wish we had have known them better before - people like neighbours, friend's parents, the school crossing lady, a work colleague, whoever it is... and when you do get to know them that little bit better, you realise that somehow, that person has touched our soul.

I read a story recently about a single mum and a red-back spider haunting her letterbox. Spiders were her worst fear and poisonous ones just made her turn white. She literally called out for help, hoping someone would hear her, as she tried to rescue her mail, but no one answered. She posted Facebook messages, hoping that a friend nearby might just pop around and get rid of her unwelcome friend for good. But time went by, and no help. She decided to take it in her own hands, and knock on her neighbour's door - a door she had no idea who lived behind it, a door that could be a fear bigger than her spider fear, but she trusted her instincts hoping that whoever was behind it would be willing to remove her spider friend. Her neighbour, a Hungarian with worker's overalls on, a sweaty brow and paint splashes on his forehead, accepted her plea for help. He grabbed one of his worker's rags, marched over to the letterbox and squished the offender in the thick muslin cloth. The single mum was relieved and thanked her neighbourly hero.

Her Hungarian friend was also single, telling the single mum that his wife died of cervical cancer a few years back after not having a pap smear done for ten years. His mission in life was to pre-warn women about the dangers of not being checked and urged the single mum to be checked if she hadn't taken that uncomfortable test in the last two years. She knew it was her obligation to her kids to be checked as well as herself, but before meeting someone who'd actually been touched by the disease, she really didn't understand the pain that it could cause emotionally to our loved ones. It really touched home.

They got talking about their lives and ambitions to discover they had a common hobby - painting. Both had been too scared to approach a gallery to sell their works, even though friends had convinced them how good they were. They laughed it off knowing that friends are friends, and you don't know if they know what they are talking about or just being kind. They looked at each other's work and saw the techniques and application in each other's work really stood out. They agreed that they would inspire each other to get into an exhibition, either through a gallery or the Rotary Club, just to see if someone was willing to put their hand in their pockets to pay for their works.

Within three weeks, the single mum had found a local church exhibition who was willing to take on her work. Her Hungarian neighbour had found an artist who had a regional market stall willing to share her stall with him. They priced their artwork conservatively, essentially enough to cover the cost of the paint and canvas. The church goers were excited about their new artist, wondering why they hadn't seen her name around before. As she only had one piece up, there was three people eager to buy it and causing a commotion within the church hall. It ended up having a mini auction between the three parties, eventually selling for twice the listed price. The single mum was stoked and couldn't wait to tell her new neighbour friend.

Meanwhile, the Hungarian displayed eight pieces at the market to match his co-stall owner. He too had immediate interest, as the locals had seen his co-stall owner's work many times over the months and were excited about seeing something new. Within two hours of opening, he had sold three pieces. At the start of the day, he thought he'd be taking eight pieces home with him. He wanted to thank his neighbour for the encouragement and they celebrated that night toasting their new successes.

So I guess the moral of the story is, don't take anyone for granted. You have no idea why someone enters your life or leaves your life. Understand that everything happens for a reason, good or bad, and if you can see the good in people, then good things will happen for you. Those who have had animosity towards you will soon remove it or leave you alone, and those who enjoy your company will embrace you with love and friendship. Don't analyse it, accept it. Be more accepting of yourself and what you give to people. No matter how big or small your impact is on someone's life, it's an impact, you've touched someone, and you will be remembered.

Happy New Year!

Speaking to many people, 2011 was a year of hardship for some, a year of uncertainty for others, and there were a few who were happy with how the year panned out. Every New Years Day, we come up with a series of resolutions that have good intentions to brighten the year ahead, but most fall on their feet within a week.

A friend of mine introduced a new thought process to her life when she left her husband three years ago... She called it her 'Year of Yes.' If someone suggested she do something, there was no argument about it, she would do it. She went mountain horse-back riding, where she took her sister and her sister's boyfriend, and they were airlifted by the ambulance after a serious fall. She took up cycling, ice-skating, pole-dancing, anything to brighten her life. No matter how scary, dangerous or stupid it was, she went with it and is now living life to the absolute fullest. Cycling is a big part of her life, as is ice-skating, and each time I see her, she has a beaming smile and a sense that she has taken control of her life.

I know a lot of you don't have the finances to go too adventurous, but if you start small with things like hiking in your local forests, learning to pamper yourself with a footrub each night (get your kids to do it!), forsaking chocolate bars for saving up for something that you've always wanted to do, getting lost in a book (if you can't afford them, libraries let you have them for free!), whatever it is, give yourself something to work towards, something to look forward to, something that inspires you to get out of your rut and make 2012 an exciting year.

To all my loyal supporters, I hope 2012 brings you life-changing moments, readjustments in your thoughts to bring positive, enlightening epiphanies and good health, happiness and harmony with your loved ones. Thank you for being there through my hardships and happiness. I hope I've been inspiring to some extent, touched a chord with you in others knowing that my stories are parallels to your own and give you a reassuring place to seek warmth, honesty and a friend who understands what you're going through.

Here's to 2012! Bring it on!!!