I had an interesting day today that culminated into feeling good about myself, after feeling quite rock bottom.
Over the last few weeks, I've dreaded the 'not knowing' about a certain situation. Something that could affect my life for the next ten or more years as my children grow up and fly the coop. It scares me, no doubt, but I came to the realisation that all things happen for a reason and I have to make the most of whatever bad there will be and turn it into good.
My lover said to me yesterday that I have a whole lot of good in my life and I should focus on that. Yesterday I couldn't see it. Today I can. I spoke to a motley crew of people today from the parking inspector, the school-crossing supervisor, a real estate agent I work with, a dear lady selling the family home of 82 years and one of my closest and dearest friends who popped into my life 18 or so months ago and has been a saviour in many ways.
The parking inspector, who has seen me around the traps as he finds cars to book and I comb the same streets to write up houses and pick up kids from school, etc, he said to me today that I look the happiest I've been for a while. The school-crossing supervisor told me that he's lonely, recently cashed in his retirement fund, has sold an investment property, has a holiday home and his own home and totalled up his net-worth at around $2 million, but has no one to leave it to except the Lost Dogs Home... he's telling a complete stranger his life story in an instant and it made me think, do I really have that kind of face that people just want to open up to me? My real estate agent, who talks a million miles an hour told me about her demented mum and how funny she is in what she forgets and how non-chalant she is about it after I told her about the anguish of my 'not-knowing scenario.' The little old lady was sprightly in herself, but saddened that she had to sell the home that her husband's uncle built. We talked a little about death and she told me that her father died earlier this year at the age of 98 and that all her friends were jealous that she still had her Dad around for such a long time. As I departed, she told me that he hasn't left her, he's still around almost like she felt his spirit surrounding her. Her words were mystical and made me stop... And then my dear friend, asked me if I felt comfortable in my own skin. It took me a while to answer it because I thought about how I dress, how I run around the house half naked (and sometimes naked), how I get annoyed about the excess fat bulges around my body but at the same time think it's part of being a mum and I even had a small flashback to when my lover told me a few weeks back that he actually loves my 'muffin top' which actually made me feel more sexy, so I said "Yes - I do feel comfortable in my own skin." He looked at me, and said "There, in that particular moment when you answered that question is how you should always remember who you are." He could see the spark come back to me, the smile come over my face and the passion behind who I am. A truly enlightening moment.
So the negativity is gone, the smile is back on my face, I'm feeling the love and recognising my own abilities in ways that I could never see in myself. Sometimes it's just the culmination of many people, angels if you will, to show you that you are more than you are. And then it's the work of a dear friend who brings it all together in a statement or question that rings true to you, and wakes you up from the bad dream.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Monday, 29 August 2011
How love can come together unexpectedly, but just as easily drift apart
How can you hold onto resentments when someone's health isn't at its best, when someone's lost a loved one or when human tragedy has touched someone? It's hard, and when it happens all at once, you start looking outside your own picture.
My lover is in terrible pain with an abscess in his tooth, claiming that it's the second worst pain he's ever experienced. It's hard for him to eat, hard for him to lie down and painkillers give him mild relief, but nothing so much as to take away the pain completely. I worry so much about him being so far away and not being able to help him. He tried to see an endodonist to get it checked out, they called him in too late for him to make the 3 hour drive in time, so he has to wait another 24 hours.
In the meanwhile, he is at home with his wife for the first time in over a week, and she has a bad knee plus is the primary carer for her dying mother in their home. They are afraid the mother won't make it through to the weekend, a long weekend where most their family and some friends will be coming over for a few days. Even though I usually resent the wife for just being 'the wife', I do actually feel sorry for her at this time. She has a lot on her plate emotionally to deal with, and I'm sure the physical pain isn't helping either.
Before I knew about the state of the mother-in-law, I told my lover that I would be on the next plane to see him to look after him - be his chauffeur while he's on a cocktail of medication, massage out his bodily aches, prepare meals for him that are easy to eat and jokingly suggested that this weekend would be a good time to introduce me as his 'lover' to his family. Even though I explained that it was a joke about the family introduction, but not a joke that I would look after him if I didn't have legal issues to deal with, he told me that he's dreamed of the day that he could actually introduce me to everyone, because I mean so much to him. It touched my heart that the thought has crossed his mind. I told him that there will be a day that it will happen, but it won't happen this weekend, it's not fair on his wife...
So even though he is in physical pain with his tooth and the emotional pain associated with the verge of losing a family member and needing to be strong to console his wife when she needs him most, he still has time to dedicate his love for me and show me that I have a very special place in his heart, at a time for me where I'm on a path to uncertainty with my own financial and legal situation through a bitter divorce.
It's funny though, but I seem to have more compassion for his family and their situations that I do my own family. My parents are people who tend to hide their illnesses and physical incompetencies because they are essentially too proud to tell people, don't want to be fussed about and despise others who sound woeful about their aches and pains. My boys have their school concert this week and my parents agreed to come and my older sister said she will take them for reasons unknown to me. But today, my sister has reneged on the concert because she has been given a better offer to do something she's always dreamed of doing, and asked me to take care of my Dad. My Dad has emphysema (never smoked a day in his life), and struggles to walk any lengths, especially at night in the cold air, so essentially needs to be picked up and dropped off outside the concert hall door, rather than walk through the carpark. It surprised me when she told me, as I didn't think it was that bad, because neither Mum nor Dad have told me. So am I less compassionate because I haven't been told by the source? I don't know, but there just seems to be a lot of information that my family are afraid to reveal to me, making me feel less like I'm part of the family. I appreciate that my parents are making the effort to come to my boys' concert, I just don't understand why they are so secretive about their weaknesses, especially when they reveal it to others.
That's what love does... for my lover, it brings us closer together in unexpected and most profound ways, and my family it makes me question my role in it.
My lover is in terrible pain with an abscess in his tooth, claiming that it's the second worst pain he's ever experienced. It's hard for him to eat, hard for him to lie down and painkillers give him mild relief, but nothing so much as to take away the pain completely. I worry so much about him being so far away and not being able to help him. He tried to see an endodonist to get it checked out, they called him in too late for him to make the 3 hour drive in time, so he has to wait another 24 hours.
In the meanwhile, he is at home with his wife for the first time in over a week, and she has a bad knee plus is the primary carer for her dying mother in their home. They are afraid the mother won't make it through to the weekend, a long weekend where most their family and some friends will be coming over for a few days. Even though I usually resent the wife for just being 'the wife', I do actually feel sorry for her at this time. She has a lot on her plate emotionally to deal with, and I'm sure the physical pain isn't helping either.
Before I knew about the state of the mother-in-law, I told my lover that I would be on the next plane to see him to look after him - be his chauffeur while he's on a cocktail of medication, massage out his bodily aches, prepare meals for him that are easy to eat and jokingly suggested that this weekend would be a good time to introduce me as his 'lover' to his family. Even though I explained that it was a joke about the family introduction, but not a joke that I would look after him if I didn't have legal issues to deal with, he told me that he's dreamed of the day that he could actually introduce me to everyone, because I mean so much to him. It touched my heart that the thought has crossed his mind. I told him that there will be a day that it will happen, but it won't happen this weekend, it's not fair on his wife...
So even though he is in physical pain with his tooth and the emotional pain associated with the verge of losing a family member and needing to be strong to console his wife when she needs him most, he still has time to dedicate his love for me and show me that I have a very special place in his heart, at a time for me where I'm on a path to uncertainty with my own financial and legal situation through a bitter divorce.
It's funny though, but I seem to have more compassion for his family and their situations that I do my own family. My parents are people who tend to hide their illnesses and physical incompetencies because they are essentially too proud to tell people, don't want to be fussed about and despise others who sound woeful about their aches and pains. My boys have their school concert this week and my parents agreed to come and my older sister said she will take them for reasons unknown to me. But today, my sister has reneged on the concert because she has been given a better offer to do something she's always dreamed of doing, and asked me to take care of my Dad. My Dad has emphysema (never smoked a day in his life), and struggles to walk any lengths, especially at night in the cold air, so essentially needs to be picked up and dropped off outside the concert hall door, rather than walk through the carpark. It surprised me when she told me, as I didn't think it was that bad, because neither Mum nor Dad have told me. So am I less compassionate because I haven't been told by the source? I don't know, but there just seems to be a lot of information that my family are afraid to reveal to me, making me feel less like I'm part of the family. I appreciate that my parents are making the effort to come to my boys' concert, I just don't understand why they are so secretive about their weaknesses, especially when they reveal it to others.
That's what love does... for my lover, it brings us closer together in unexpected and most profound ways, and my family it makes me question my role in it.
Father's Day
For single mums, it's a day we all dread. It's a day that creates conflict for your children, so it's a day that you'd rather didn't exist. But commercialism with television advertisements, catalogues and even in schools makes it hard to avoid.
In Australia, Father's Day is this Sunday. It just also happens to be the one day in the month that my ex sees my boys for seven hours. I wrote their father an email a couple of weeks ago suggesting that if he wants his boys to buy him something at the Fathers Day Stall at school, then he'd better give them some money. I told him the date and what they normally spend. The Father's Day stall is tomorrow, it's now 10.30pm the night before, and he has given them nothing. So I've given the boys $10 each to buy whatever they want for themselves.
I had a Facebook debate about this with a few friends a couple of weeks back with most suggesting it's for the boys to care about their father, not about the money and who gives it to them. It was interesting the sides that were forming and who were saying what. The abandoned daughter who calls her biological father a 'sperm donor' and her step-father her real father told me to stick to my guns as my boys' father rarely sees them, rarely calls them and doesn't want to take any responsibility for them. Whereas, those who are the single mums with relatively amicable relationships with their children's father say I should teach the boys to be giving to their father, even if he isn't giving to them. I know my attitude towards their father doesn't help, but my boys understand who is there for them and who isn't, and they have formed that opinion in their own accord, as my friend did with her 'sperm donor' father.
They don't care because he has hurt them, and they are at the age where they prefer to buy a present for themselves anyway. They just want to participate and not miss out on what their friends are doing. They usually come home with torches, tackle boxes to put their lego in, a mug with chocolate in it, even a Swiss army alley key set. When they buy for me in the Mothers Day stall, they tell me the thought that they have put into purchasing the gift for me, knowing my favourite scents, flavours and colours, why something would be useful for me, etc. So I know that they are giving thoughtful children, and not always thinking about themselves.
So besides it being the Fathers Day Stall tomorrow, it is also my baby boy's 8th birthday. It will be interesting to see if their father makes an appearance to give the boys money or wish his son a Happy Birthday. I'll let you all know tomorrow :)
In Australia, Father's Day is this Sunday. It just also happens to be the one day in the month that my ex sees my boys for seven hours. I wrote their father an email a couple of weeks ago suggesting that if he wants his boys to buy him something at the Fathers Day Stall at school, then he'd better give them some money. I told him the date and what they normally spend. The Father's Day stall is tomorrow, it's now 10.30pm the night before, and he has given them nothing. So I've given the boys $10 each to buy whatever they want for themselves.
I had a Facebook debate about this with a few friends a couple of weeks back with most suggesting it's for the boys to care about their father, not about the money and who gives it to them. It was interesting the sides that were forming and who were saying what. The abandoned daughter who calls her biological father a 'sperm donor' and her step-father her real father told me to stick to my guns as my boys' father rarely sees them, rarely calls them and doesn't want to take any responsibility for them. Whereas, those who are the single mums with relatively amicable relationships with their children's father say I should teach the boys to be giving to their father, even if he isn't giving to them. I know my attitude towards their father doesn't help, but my boys understand who is there for them and who isn't, and they have formed that opinion in their own accord, as my friend did with her 'sperm donor' father.
They don't care because he has hurt them, and they are at the age where they prefer to buy a present for themselves anyway. They just want to participate and not miss out on what their friends are doing. They usually come home with torches, tackle boxes to put their lego in, a mug with chocolate in it, even a Swiss army alley key set. When they buy for me in the Mothers Day stall, they tell me the thought that they have put into purchasing the gift for me, knowing my favourite scents, flavours and colours, why something would be useful for me, etc. So I know that they are giving thoughtful children, and not always thinking about themselves.
So besides it being the Fathers Day Stall tomorrow, it is also my baby boy's 8th birthday. It will be interesting to see if their father makes an appearance to give the boys money or wish his son a Happy Birthday. I'll let you all know tomorrow :)
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Conversations with Mums
I'm sure we all have our stories to tell about what help we get, what help we don't get, what we want, what we need, who we trust, who we don't... it's all about the cycle of life. And some how we feel envious of what others have, and terribly sorry for what some can go through. So here are just a few dilemmas some have told me that they are going through at the moment...
Friend number one, had her children later in life and in someways is very protective of her children, but in other ways, very liberating with her children allowing them to spend days on end at the beach, ride their bike at the age of 3. etc. She is very strict on routine, especially bed time and going to bed late is something she will not tolerate for her kids. Her latest dilemma is that her and her husband's parents are getting old and can't look after her children when she wants to go out. Her husband's father is approaching his 90s, his mother only 75, but their health is getting overwhelming for them to look after her children. Whereas her own mother is enjoying life and her social life dominates her time, therefore the hours available for babysitting, especially at night, are becoming limited, even though she lives just around the corner. For the almost eight years of motherhood she has gone through, she's never had to pay for a babysitter, never had her children stay at someone's house, never paid for childcare and her children have only gone to scheduled kindergarten and school sessions with the occasional playgroup or extra-curricular activity. She has rarely had them out of her own care and never relied on anyone else but family. But she needs to take the plunge... and do some letting go because she is physically exhausted being 24/7 mum in her mid 40s.
Friend Number Two has recently moved over to Australia from the United States where she had her mum at her beckon call. Her mum would look after her children at least once a week so she could be an 'adult' - have golf nights, have date night with her husband, have a weekend away - just have fun. Since arriving here about 9 months ago, her mum has been over here twice and her sister with her family once, and they plan to go back for a month in December. But while she's here, she has no family to rely on and has been lucky to have found a babysitter in her street that charges $7 an hour and is available most nights. But she's not used to having her children around her all the time (except when they are at school) and as she isn't involved in any social groups here, she doesn't have her regular golf nights and is desperate just to have a weekend away while her husband takes care of the kids.
Both friend Number One and friend Number Two seem to have a high disposable income to rely on, as they are both still married to husbands with well-paid jobs.
Friend Number Three is possibly the most tragic. She recently met up with her first boyfriend, the man who always had her heart. It was friendship to start with, while she was married, but somehow their feelings for each other were always there and they started something. Her marriage ended amicably and they are still financially together, however she moved out, her husband sees her boys regularly and she now enjoys a life with her long-lost-love. However, her parents are disgusted by her actions and refuse to help her in any way, taking the side of her ex-husband. They invite him over for dinner when they know he's lonely, they look after the boys on his shift, but never hers. She thought she would have her parents support through all of this, especially when they knew that her first boyfriend was always her greatest love. She's had to go back to work and is studying. She has no help, except for when her husband takes her boys twice a week... at least she has that.
My story is a combination of them all. My parents live 40 kilometres away and have an active social life, almost like it's to spite their four daughters as they will constantly admit that they have raised their children, implying that they don't want to be raising grandchildren. Occasionally they will have my boys over in school holidays for a couple of nights, but it was only my most recent trip overseas that they agreed to take care of them for the two weekends I had away, while school friends took them in the school week. My ex-husband only has them 7 hours a month, with no overnight stays as he has a small one bedroom flat with no space for them. His parents are even more self-absorbed than my parents and neither my ex husband nor I trust his mother, so that's a closed book. I've always had to pay for babysitters, but it adds another expense to a cheap night out, so it's rare. So, unless I take off for a week or two to further my writing career, I have my kids 24/7, 99% of the month and he pays me only $270 a month for child support, so I have to provide the rest. I am lucky that I have raised them to look after themselves if I need to go out for a couple of hours, and they are content being in the house by themselves with a stocked-up pantry, the TV and their Nintendo DSs, but nights make it hard and there is no way I could do an overnighter. It reduces the opportunity for me to have an at-home love life, a social life - a life outside work and home. If I do have a 'social life' it's generally inviting friends over for dinner, so the boys can do their thing, as I entertain in the kitchen or outside. So now you can understand why I have my internet lover, and he keeps me happy with adult conversation that takes me away from being a mum and a provider.
I'd love to hear anyone else's stories of how you cope, what parental freedoms you have, what makes life hard, etc. We all have different stories to tell, sometimes it's best to put it out in the open than bottling it up...
Friend number one, had her children later in life and in someways is very protective of her children, but in other ways, very liberating with her children allowing them to spend days on end at the beach, ride their bike at the age of 3. etc. She is very strict on routine, especially bed time and going to bed late is something she will not tolerate for her kids. Her latest dilemma is that her and her husband's parents are getting old and can't look after her children when she wants to go out. Her husband's father is approaching his 90s, his mother only 75, but their health is getting overwhelming for them to look after her children. Whereas her own mother is enjoying life and her social life dominates her time, therefore the hours available for babysitting, especially at night, are becoming limited, even though she lives just around the corner. For the almost eight years of motherhood she has gone through, she's never had to pay for a babysitter, never had her children stay at someone's house, never paid for childcare and her children have only gone to scheduled kindergarten and school sessions with the occasional playgroup or extra-curricular activity. She has rarely had them out of her own care and never relied on anyone else but family. But she needs to take the plunge... and do some letting go because she is physically exhausted being 24/7 mum in her mid 40s.
Friend Number Two has recently moved over to Australia from the United States where she had her mum at her beckon call. Her mum would look after her children at least once a week so she could be an 'adult' - have golf nights, have date night with her husband, have a weekend away - just have fun. Since arriving here about 9 months ago, her mum has been over here twice and her sister with her family once, and they plan to go back for a month in December. But while she's here, she has no family to rely on and has been lucky to have found a babysitter in her street that charges $7 an hour and is available most nights. But she's not used to having her children around her all the time (except when they are at school) and as she isn't involved in any social groups here, she doesn't have her regular golf nights and is desperate just to have a weekend away while her husband takes care of the kids.
Both friend Number One and friend Number Two seem to have a high disposable income to rely on, as they are both still married to husbands with well-paid jobs.
Friend Number Three is possibly the most tragic. She recently met up with her first boyfriend, the man who always had her heart. It was friendship to start with, while she was married, but somehow their feelings for each other were always there and they started something. Her marriage ended amicably and they are still financially together, however she moved out, her husband sees her boys regularly and she now enjoys a life with her long-lost-love. However, her parents are disgusted by her actions and refuse to help her in any way, taking the side of her ex-husband. They invite him over for dinner when they know he's lonely, they look after the boys on his shift, but never hers. She thought she would have her parents support through all of this, especially when they knew that her first boyfriend was always her greatest love. She's had to go back to work and is studying. She has no help, except for when her husband takes her boys twice a week... at least she has that.
My story is a combination of them all. My parents live 40 kilometres away and have an active social life, almost like it's to spite their four daughters as they will constantly admit that they have raised their children, implying that they don't want to be raising grandchildren. Occasionally they will have my boys over in school holidays for a couple of nights, but it was only my most recent trip overseas that they agreed to take care of them for the two weekends I had away, while school friends took them in the school week. My ex-husband only has them 7 hours a month, with no overnight stays as he has a small one bedroom flat with no space for them. His parents are even more self-absorbed than my parents and neither my ex husband nor I trust his mother, so that's a closed book. I've always had to pay for babysitters, but it adds another expense to a cheap night out, so it's rare. So, unless I take off for a week or two to further my writing career, I have my kids 24/7, 99% of the month and he pays me only $270 a month for child support, so I have to provide the rest. I am lucky that I have raised them to look after themselves if I need to go out for a couple of hours, and they are content being in the house by themselves with a stocked-up pantry, the TV and their Nintendo DSs, but nights make it hard and there is no way I could do an overnighter. It reduces the opportunity for me to have an at-home love life, a social life - a life outside work and home. If I do have a 'social life' it's generally inviting friends over for dinner, so the boys can do their thing, as I entertain in the kitchen or outside. So now you can understand why I have my internet lover, and he keeps me happy with adult conversation that takes me away from being a mum and a provider.
I'd love to hear anyone else's stories of how you cope, what parental freedoms you have, what makes life hard, etc. We all have different stories to tell, sometimes it's best to put it out in the open than bottling it up...
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Single Mum loneliness...
As a single mum, you are everything - the financier, the financial controller, the home-help, the carer, the domestic whizz, the homework-helper, the taxi-driver, the decision-maker everything that your kids need and want you for. So there is no time for playgroups, helping at school functions or any type of social life of some sort. And when you try to make time, have a spare couple of hours just to be you, trying to find a friend to go to the movies with, have a cuppa with, whatever it is just to feel normal again, no one is there for you, because you've never created a bond with anyone that's strong enough for them to recognise that you just need some time out.
So you go home wondering if you should just go to the movie by yourself for the third time in 12 months, or just forget it. I thought I was developing a network of good friends, but they seem to happy to help me out with with my kids - dropping them off at school early in the morning if I have appointments, but when it comes to me, someone looking after me and giving me a break to feel normal, I have no one...
People have suggested to me over time, that they must get my boys and I over for dinner one night, or we should come down to their holiday house one day, etc. But its all hypothetical opportunities that never happen. As a single mum, you don't get invited around to other people's houses because their husbands have no one to talk to. So again, you're left out.
I have one dear friend who has always been there, through all her troubles, she is the only one who invites me to parties or out for a girls night, because she has been a single mum for a short time, but now she has a husband and two step-children plus her own two kids, but she knows. It's really hard to find someone who knows what it's like to crave an adult conversation without having your kids screaming around your legs, or just get a reassuring hug.
That's why my lover has been so wonderful, but he is thousands of miles away, and even he sometimes rejects me because he has family commitments he has to deal with. And he can't give me a hug.
So for all you single mums out there who struggle to just be 'you', I'm really feeling for You today... and just think, You're not alone...
So you go home wondering if you should just go to the movie by yourself for the third time in 12 months, or just forget it. I thought I was developing a network of good friends, but they seem to happy to help me out with with my kids - dropping them off at school early in the morning if I have appointments, but when it comes to me, someone looking after me and giving me a break to feel normal, I have no one...
People have suggested to me over time, that they must get my boys and I over for dinner one night, or we should come down to their holiday house one day, etc. But its all hypothetical opportunities that never happen. As a single mum, you don't get invited around to other people's houses because their husbands have no one to talk to. So again, you're left out.
I have one dear friend who has always been there, through all her troubles, she is the only one who invites me to parties or out for a girls night, because she has been a single mum for a short time, but now she has a husband and two step-children plus her own two kids, but she knows. It's really hard to find someone who knows what it's like to crave an adult conversation without having your kids screaming around your legs, or just get a reassuring hug.
That's why my lover has been so wonderful, but he is thousands of miles away, and even he sometimes rejects me because he has family commitments he has to deal with. And he can't give me a hug.
So for all you single mums out there who struggle to just be 'you', I'm really feeling for You today... and just think, You're not alone...
Being happy for others.
I've had two incidences today that I'm left bittersweet about and another which will hopefully be the end to a friend's troubles.
The first one is that my lover has been given the opportunity to work full time instead of doing agency work. His agency work generally meant that he was away from home 15-18 days a month, meaning that we were able to spend that time together without limitations except for our work hours. Working full time will reduce that to 12 days a month, he'll stay in a share house rather than a hotel (so unsure if he'll have internet access for us to communicate) and if I ever go to see him, I won't be able to stay with him if he lives with work colleagues. He gets a fabulous pay deal and unbelievable benefits which is great for him, but I can't see this being great for 'us.' I'm happy for him. I know that there are possibly fabulous positives for us, as we are both writing books, so we could escape and do writing retreats every now and again without work interfering with our time together as it has in the past, he'll still make time for me when he's with his kids and traveling for his voluntary work, but at the moment I can't see it. I guess I'm not used to change. I know when he changed jobs last year, I was apprehensive and it turned out OK, but he now has less places to escape, meaning he has more time to be with his wife (oh, now you all know!!!).
The second incident was with my sister. She has a 13.5 year old son and a 7 month old and announced today that she's officially having identical twins in 6 months. I'm happy for her too, but I just couldn't do it. I know it's her life, and I think we are all guilty of thinking about how someone's situation would affect our life if we were put in their situation, but for me, I'm happy that I had my two boys 2 years apart, as I'm looking forward to them growing up together, being friends as they are and moving forward in their milestones together. But that's what I want. It may not be what she wants.
In all of this, I'm afraid but yes I am guilty of judgment. Judgment that I despise in others about my life and I try so hard not to be critical of others and how they live their lives. But I've really lost that war this week, in many ways, and I'm sorry to those who that has affected. Hence the reason why I'm recognising this downfall in my own personality and wanting to be above it, turn a new page and just be happy for everyone who have achieved a milestone and stop thinking how it will affect me.
As for my friend who's troubles are looking to the light for some closure, hers is now a very public affair getting newspaper and television exposure. She is in a beautiful relationship with her new husband, three children from a previous marriage and a baby on the way, while her ex-husband has caused unfathomable damage to their way of life and she now has a chance to retaliate.
I guess in the end, everything happens for a reason and it's what the universe plans for us to make us stronger, wiser and more humble. In the end, I love all these people for who they are and what they want, I just have to be there to support them in their dreams, as I know they do me...
The first one is that my lover has been given the opportunity to work full time instead of doing agency work. His agency work generally meant that he was away from home 15-18 days a month, meaning that we were able to spend that time together without limitations except for our work hours. Working full time will reduce that to 12 days a month, he'll stay in a share house rather than a hotel (so unsure if he'll have internet access for us to communicate) and if I ever go to see him, I won't be able to stay with him if he lives with work colleagues. He gets a fabulous pay deal and unbelievable benefits which is great for him, but I can't see this being great for 'us.' I'm happy for him. I know that there are possibly fabulous positives for us, as we are both writing books, so we could escape and do writing retreats every now and again without work interfering with our time together as it has in the past, he'll still make time for me when he's with his kids and traveling for his voluntary work, but at the moment I can't see it. I guess I'm not used to change. I know when he changed jobs last year, I was apprehensive and it turned out OK, but he now has less places to escape, meaning he has more time to be with his wife (oh, now you all know!!!).
The second incident was with my sister. She has a 13.5 year old son and a 7 month old and announced today that she's officially having identical twins in 6 months. I'm happy for her too, but I just couldn't do it. I know it's her life, and I think we are all guilty of thinking about how someone's situation would affect our life if we were put in their situation, but for me, I'm happy that I had my two boys 2 years apart, as I'm looking forward to them growing up together, being friends as they are and moving forward in their milestones together. But that's what I want. It may not be what she wants.
In all of this, I'm afraid but yes I am guilty of judgment. Judgment that I despise in others about my life and I try so hard not to be critical of others and how they live their lives. But I've really lost that war this week, in many ways, and I'm sorry to those who that has affected. Hence the reason why I'm recognising this downfall in my own personality and wanting to be above it, turn a new page and just be happy for everyone who have achieved a milestone and stop thinking how it will affect me.
As for my friend who's troubles are looking to the light for some closure, hers is now a very public affair getting newspaper and television exposure. She is in a beautiful relationship with her new husband, three children from a previous marriage and a baby on the way, while her ex-husband has caused unfathomable damage to their way of life and she now has a chance to retaliate.
I guess in the end, everything happens for a reason and it's what the universe plans for us to make us stronger, wiser and more humble. In the end, I love all these people for who they are and what they want, I just have to be there to support them in their dreams, as I know they do me...
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
Who are we dressing up for?
I was listening to the radio this morning and there was a debate going about what's more attractive - a woman in a stylish dress with the full make up, manicure, designer shoes and accessories, or a woman in a comfortable T-shirt, jeans and basic to no make-up. The overall majority of men calling in liked the T-shirt and jeans option.
So why do we do it? Why get dressed up, when more often than not, you will pick up someone genuine who sees you in your lazy Sunday afternoon wares pushing the trolley though the supermarket?
Do we do it for ourselves because we feel more confident when we have put the effort into our outward appearance, or does the glamour give us a fake confidence that is obvious to any potential beau? Ok, so there are reasons to get dressed up, no doubt - a gala event, charity ball, a day at the races, going to a nightclub and even on a romantic night out. But really, for someone to get to know you properly, won't they want to see you in your natural environment doing what you naturally love - fish n chips on the beach, a casual walk along a boulevard eating your favourite ice-cream, chatting over the newspapers in a cafe for Sunday brunch. And let's face it, when we generally get dressed up we end up off our face blubbering 'I love yous' to the taxi driver while our best friend's holding up our hair so we can chunder out the window when that wave of stale alcohol churns over our stomach. No one wants to start a relationship like that...
So for all those single mums out there who are desperate to find a new mate, stop trying so hard. He'll fall into your lap without you even knowing and when you least expect it. Be yourself and love will find your way.
So why do we do it? Why get dressed up, when more often than not, you will pick up someone genuine who sees you in your lazy Sunday afternoon wares pushing the trolley though the supermarket?
Do we do it for ourselves because we feel more confident when we have put the effort into our outward appearance, or does the glamour give us a fake confidence that is obvious to any potential beau? Ok, so there are reasons to get dressed up, no doubt - a gala event, charity ball, a day at the races, going to a nightclub and even on a romantic night out. But really, for someone to get to know you properly, won't they want to see you in your natural environment doing what you naturally love - fish n chips on the beach, a casual walk along a boulevard eating your favourite ice-cream, chatting over the newspapers in a cafe for Sunday brunch. And let's face it, when we generally get dressed up we end up off our face blubbering 'I love yous' to the taxi driver while our best friend's holding up our hair so we can chunder out the window when that wave of stale alcohol churns over our stomach. No one wants to start a relationship like that...
So for all those single mums out there who are desperate to find a new mate, stop trying so hard. He'll fall into your lap without you even knowing and when you least expect it. Be yourself and love will find your way.
Monday, 22 August 2011
Feeling numb...
Remember when you were with your children's father and how sex used to be a ritual like fish n chips on a Friday night? Boring, monotonous and it took you forever to cum? The weekly ritual would occasionally skip a week because you were too tired, you had something going on or your son was sick and he was more important than your waning sex drive. But you weren't just numb to your sex drive, you were numb to your emotions, your feelings, your passion, your own integrity. You were actual numb to 'you.'
How did this happen? When did this happen? Why did this happen? How did that vibrant, vivacious, fun-loving girl turn into a nagging, stressed out, unappreciated woman?
It happens to all of us, but we get to the bottom of lows before we realise that this is not the person we want to be anymore... we want the excitement back, we want to taste the food, not just wash down fish sticks with apple juice because our kids are. We want the freshly poached salmon in a white wine and lemon jus with a side of broccolini and rosemary and sea salt roast potatoes complemented by a nicely chilled Sauv Blanc. We want to feel what it's like to be desirable again, we want to be lusted over, we want to see the passion in a man's eyes for us, we want to feel good in our own skin. When did those lacey number of lingerie get replaced with high waisted full briefs? Arrgghhh... where did I go?
For all the single mums who've moved on from their horrible lives, you know what I'm talking about... But for those who haven't, and are still dwelling on what could have been with your ex or thinking that no one will ever love you again, it's not too late. This is where romance novels sell in their millions... go on... go buy one and live that life!
Really, what is stopping you? You're not being unfaithful to anyone. Start inviting tradesmen over to do some work around the house and accidentally fall into bed with one (or all) of them. And it's perfect timing to have a liaison with a strapping younger man while the kids are at school. When else are you going to get yourself lucky? Start going for regular walks or runs to get rid of those unwanted pounds, but instead of doing it for your ex, or your family - do it for you, because you want to feel good about yourself. Indulge in some adult food when you go supermarket shopping and make yourself a nice little platter to tantalise your tastebuds while you take in the intensity of your romance novel. Take yourself off to the movies and watch a chick flick, rather than a G rated cartoon your kids are eager to see. Treat yourself because you can.
There are so many things that can make you feel alive if you put your mind to it. But only you can do it for you. No one else can. And once you start feeling good about yourself, you'll start believing in yourself again knowing that you can be that vibrant, vivacious girl again. And the best thing about all of it, is if you start believing in yourself, your kids will feel it, see it and start doing it themselves, and then you'll have a truly happy household again. Confidence breeds confidence, so stop feeling numb and get out there!!!
How did this happen? When did this happen? Why did this happen? How did that vibrant, vivacious, fun-loving girl turn into a nagging, stressed out, unappreciated woman?
It happens to all of us, but we get to the bottom of lows before we realise that this is not the person we want to be anymore... we want the excitement back, we want to taste the food, not just wash down fish sticks with apple juice because our kids are. We want the freshly poached salmon in a white wine and lemon jus with a side of broccolini and rosemary and sea salt roast potatoes complemented by a nicely chilled Sauv Blanc. We want to feel what it's like to be desirable again, we want to be lusted over, we want to see the passion in a man's eyes for us, we want to feel good in our own skin. When did those lacey number of lingerie get replaced with high waisted full briefs? Arrgghhh... where did I go?
For all the single mums who've moved on from their horrible lives, you know what I'm talking about... But for those who haven't, and are still dwelling on what could have been with your ex or thinking that no one will ever love you again, it's not too late. This is where romance novels sell in their millions... go on... go buy one and live that life!
Really, what is stopping you? You're not being unfaithful to anyone. Start inviting tradesmen over to do some work around the house and accidentally fall into bed with one (or all) of them. And it's perfect timing to have a liaison with a strapping younger man while the kids are at school. When else are you going to get yourself lucky? Start going for regular walks or runs to get rid of those unwanted pounds, but instead of doing it for your ex, or your family - do it for you, because you want to feel good about yourself. Indulge in some adult food when you go supermarket shopping and make yourself a nice little platter to tantalise your tastebuds while you take in the intensity of your romance novel. Take yourself off to the movies and watch a chick flick, rather than a G rated cartoon your kids are eager to see. Treat yourself because you can.
There are so many things that can make you feel alive if you put your mind to it. But only you can do it for you. No one else can. And once you start feeling good about yourself, you'll start believing in yourself again knowing that you can be that vibrant, vivacious girl again. And the best thing about all of it, is if you start believing in yourself, your kids will feel it, see it and start doing it themselves, and then you'll have a truly happy household again. Confidence breeds confidence, so stop feeling numb and get out there!!!
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Special time with Mum
This past week was an odd week in our house, as my ten year old son had his school camp for two nights and then a sleepover party at a friend's house, so it was just me and my almost eight year old for three nights. And for me, work wasn't so busy, so I had time to have one-on-one time with my little one.
We went out for pizza one night, watched a DVD the next night with chicken schnitzel followed by a story in my bed and a special sleep the night in Mum's bed, and last night, when his brother went to his sleepover party we indulged in fish 'n' chips, a slice of cake from the French patisserie and a double of DVDs under a blanket.
It was nice to get extra special cuddles, a house that was noticeably quieter without the regular fighting and things just seem to get done, as my little one actually was happy to help get ready for school and eat his dinner, which usually doesn't happen when his brother is around. I changed my priorities of spending time doing rewrites on my manuscript to spend it with my little boy. The pressure was off, because I allowed it to be off.
So, for all those single mums who just don't give their kids special one-on-one time on a regular basis, like I'm guilty of doing, stop, take a breath and just do it, make it memorable in a sweet way rather than an extravagant way, and you'll be more than rewarded.
We went out for pizza one night, watched a DVD the next night with chicken schnitzel followed by a story in my bed and a special sleep the night in Mum's bed, and last night, when his brother went to his sleepover party we indulged in fish 'n' chips, a slice of cake from the French patisserie and a double of DVDs under a blanket.
It was nice to get extra special cuddles, a house that was noticeably quieter without the regular fighting and things just seem to get done, as my little one actually was happy to help get ready for school and eat his dinner, which usually doesn't happen when his brother is around. I changed my priorities of spending time doing rewrites on my manuscript to spend it with my little boy. The pressure was off, because I allowed it to be off.
So, for all those single mums who just don't give their kids special one-on-one time on a regular basis, like I'm guilty of doing, stop, take a breath and just do it, make it memorable in a sweet way rather than an extravagant way, and you'll be more than rewarded.
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Where's Mine?!
Don't all single mums wish they had a knight in shining armour? Someone who can give them endless streams of money, copious amounts of extravagant gifts and make love to them with passion giving them multiple orgasms that last for hours?
I was reading an article today that Gordon Ramsay is liquidating his Melbourne restaurant 'Maze' at Crown Casino because it wasn't turning a profit. According to Crown Casino where it is located, it had 350,000 customers in the last 12 months turning over millions of dollars, and it can't make a profit? But then it was said that Gordon fired his father-in-law as chief executive officer Chris Hutchenson because he had swindled away millions of dollars to finance a secret second wife and children as well as pay an additional mistress five thousand pounds a month to essentially keep her mouth shut about their affair.
So, here I beg to ask the question, where's mine?!! How nice to have someone look after you financially while you pay them in kind with sexual favours. At what time does the mistress and the second wife, for that matter, get tired of the secrets, the constant awareness of not making a mistake when they want to blurt out his name, or how their man makes his money to friends or family when their are high-profile stakes involved. And then the secrets eat you up, jealousy takes over you and you get tired of the sharing. You don't know what the truth is anymore.
So is the 'hush money' worth it? Who knows? Hush money isn't made of love that's for sure. It's made of bribes, lies and superficiality. But then if the relationship you have with your secret lover doesn't have money involved - no gifts, no expense accounts, not even going 'dutch' for things and you're expected to pay your way because he doesn't want the wife to find out about his clandestine affair, then is there true love involved or are you just being abused in the relationship?
It's a tricky one, because every relationship is different. Someone once told me that if, if you go around to someone's house for dinner and you bring a good bottle of wine for the meal and they decide to shelve it and bring out a cheap bottle to go with their sausages and three veg, then that's how they view your relationship with them, and you will only be treated with subservient style for the remainder of the time you know these people. But if you go to their home, and they crack open the bottle of wine you brought for the meal and match it with a seafood banquet, then you know that they will open their hospitality to you with open arms. But even that's not always true either.
For instance, when I first met my lover, we went to pick up a burger from Carls Jr because we had been nervous all day about meeting each other, and food was the last thing on our mind. But when we returned to his place, he had a bottle of champagne ready to crack to celebrate our union. Things got a little worse, when we ate canned soup to celebrate my birthday, but he coupled it with funky little appetisers that showed that he knew how to dress up a simple meal. The last time we were together, his generosity just shone. He paid for a Junior Suite at the Doubletree for a week and he booked us into the finest restaurants in the town - I rarely had to put my hand in my pocket, it was wonderful, and so appreciated. He was the consummate gentleman. Something that I'd really never experienced because my ex rarely made enough money to keep his head above water.
So maybe my turn has come, who knows... but I don't think it will ever be to the extent that Chris Hutcheson's second wife and mistress have it (or should I say 'had' it). Do I want it? A little piece of me says yes, and a different part of me says no. I do like my financial independence, but it would be nice having a break from it every once and a while ;)
I was reading an article today that Gordon Ramsay is liquidating his Melbourne restaurant 'Maze' at Crown Casino because it wasn't turning a profit. According to Crown Casino where it is located, it had 350,000 customers in the last 12 months turning over millions of dollars, and it can't make a profit? But then it was said that Gordon fired his father-in-law as chief executive officer Chris Hutchenson because he had swindled away millions of dollars to finance a secret second wife and children as well as pay an additional mistress five thousand pounds a month to essentially keep her mouth shut about their affair.
So, here I beg to ask the question, where's mine?!! How nice to have someone look after you financially while you pay them in kind with sexual favours. At what time does the mistress and the second wife, for that matter, get tired of the secrets, the constant awareness of not making a mistake when they want to blurt out his name, or how their man makes his money to friends or family when their are high-profile stakes involved. And then the secrets eat you up, jealousy takes over you and you get tired of the sharing. You don't know what the truth is anymore.
So is the 'hush money' worth it? Who knows? Hush money isn't made of love that's for sure. It's made of bribes, lies and superficiality. But then if the relationship you have with your secret lover doesn't have money involved - no gifts, no expense accounts, not even going 'dutch' for things and you're expected to pay your way because he doesn't want the wife to find out about his clandestine affair, then is there true love involved or are you just being abused in the relationship?
It's a tricky one, because every relationship is different. Someone once told me that if, if you go around to someone's house for dinner and you bring a good bottle of wine for the meal and they decide to shelve it and bring out a cheap bottle to go with their sausages and three veg, then that's how they view your relationship with them, and you will only be treated with subservient style for the remainder of the time you know these people. But if you go to their home, and they crack open the bottle of wine you brought for the meal and match it with a seafood banquet, then you know that they will open their hospitality to you with open arms. But even that's not always true either.
For instance, when I first met my lover, we went to pick up a burger from Carls Jr because we had been nervous all day about meeting each other, and food was the last thing on our mind. But when we returned to his place, he had a bottle of champagne ready to crack to celebrate our union. Things got a little worse, when we ate canned soup to celebrate my birthday, but he coupled it with funky little appetisers that showed that he knew how to dress up a simple meal. The last time we were together, his generosity just shone. He paid for a Junior Suite at the Doubletree for a week and he booked us into the finest restaurants in the town - I rarely had to put my hand in my pocket, it was wonderful, and so appreciated. He was the consummate gentleman. Something that I'd really never experienced because my ex rarely made enough money to keep his head above water.
So maybe my turn has come, who knows... but I don't think it will ever be to the extent that Chris Hutcheson's second wife and mistress have it (or should I say 'had' it). Do I want it? A little piece of me says yes, and a different part of me says no. I do like my financial independence, but it would be nice having a break from it every once and a while ;)
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Raising Kids...
No doubt, we all have our own ways of raising our kids to be good citizens, learn to be considerate of others, have good manners, be responsible, be appreciative and be thankful for everything that they have and who they are. Maybe I'm a little alternative in my thinking, but I like to see the positives in child-rearing and not focus on the negative, as I believe that all children are old souls in new bodies, and somehow, things come out of them that they have never been taught and have never observed, to show you that they have an unbelievable heart and know what's right.
One thing I am a stickler in teaching my children is responsibility. I know I haven't perfected it yet, and I am a long way off, but knowing that they have come from a bloodline of men who tend to hook themselves up with strong women who look after them, I want to show them that they need to be responsible for themselves and whoever they bring into this world - financially and supportively with love. I want my boys to be financially independent from me by the time they are twenty, but be in a position secretly where if they are in dire straits, they can turn to me as a last resort. They will need to show me that they have exhausted all possibilities in obtaining the money they need - show me that they've applied for bank loans, have a job that sustains their lifestyle and savings, cut back on extravagances and show me that they can afford to pay me back. I don't want my money to be a burden on their independence. To me, this is a life lesson, because they need to know that I won't and can't always be there for them financially.
My parents were 'mean' in the stingy way of paying for things for me. From the age of fourteen, I was given a $10 a week allowance, and anything I wanted above and beyond that didn't include my education, food on the table, transport to and from school, most medical expenses (not the ones I didn't divulge :) ) and the roof over my head, I had to pay for myself. That included clothes (except school uniforms), haircuts, presents for friends and family, entertainment, magazines, transport, things I wanted - CDs, video hire, furniture for my room, anything. So I had to get a job. I did paper runs, worked at a pizza shop, had Christmas jobs at a record shop, but my big one was babysitting. I had clients that went out most Friday or Saturday nights, so I would get $30-80 a week on top of my allowance to do with what I liked. To this day, I have never asked my parents for a cent of their money, however I have asked them for their time, usually with some reluctance.
I took what my parents said seriously. That once I left home, they wouldn't look after me financially and I would never be allowed to come back. So I left home at 18 to fend for myself never to return. And that is what I expect my boys to do. Leave home knowing that they can do it all themselves.
I remember growing up, loving my best friend's parents because they were so generous with their time and money on their kids. My best friend could always go up to her Daddy ask for some money to go out with friends, or buy a dress that she liked. When it came to getting a job, Daddy found her one in television. She found a lovely man, who adored her and she married having a princess wedding only to divorce him after she had an affair with a television personality that she worked with. Now she has her successful television personality husband to look after her. And her parents are destitute, working still when they should be retired, but still give her all the love and attention she needs. Growing up, I always wanted to be a part of their family, but now I know I am in a much better place.
I have a friend who has three 20 something year old children - one married, another finishing her med degree and the other working. He still buys each and every one of them basics to get by, pays half the rent for one of them, doesn't ask for board for another, pays off their cars and destroys his credit rating to make sure that they are all ok. But his kids will always ask for hand-outs because they have always been there. And what you do for one, you have to do for all. He is screaming what to do because one of them has taken complete advantage of him, but he feels compelled to be dragged into helping his child and continues to have the situation abused. From an outsider looking in, when do you cut the cord?
At the age of ten and almost eight, my boys get pocket money each week for certain chores around the house. They are pretty good at doing them, and only have to be asked once, if at all. They are more interested in seeing their money grow in the bank than spending it, even putting all their birthday money in the bank. They actually get disheartened if they see their bank balance reduce in size because they desperately wanted a toy. So they understand the consequences. They have learnt to read a bank statement and like seeing the interest appear. But they are young, and things change, but it's a start.
I think it's important to teach children about money and responsibility as if they are adults. As I said, they are old souls in young bodies, and they can see what it takes to work and survive. I tell my boys what financial responsibilities I have - mortgage, car repayment, how much it costs to fill the car up, how much is the grocery bill, what it costs for the internet, electricity, etc. And they compare that with the money they have in the bank. It's their reality check, and puts it all in perspective for them.
It will be another 10 or more years before I know for sure that my teachings have worked. It is hard to know what's right for you and your children, but I know from my own background, the younger I started, the more appreciative I became of the lessons my parents taught me in being financially responsible, even though I envied what my best friend had at the time.
One thing I am a stickler in teaching my children is responsibility. I know I haven't perfected it yet, and I am a long way off, but knowing that they have come from a bloodline of men who tend to hook themselves up with strong women who look after them, I want to show them that they need to be responsible for themselves and whoever they bring into this world - financially and supportively with love. I want my boys to be financially independent from me by the time they are twenty, but be in a position secretly where if they are in dire straits, they can turn to me as a last resort. They will need to show me that they have exhausted all possibilities in obtaining the money they need - show me that they've applied for bank loans, have a job that sustains their lifestyle and savings, cut back on extravagances and show me that they can afford to pay me back. I don't want my money to be a burden on their independence. To me, this is a life lesson, because they need to know that I won't and can't always be there for them financially.
My parents were 'mean' in the stingy way of paying for things for me. From the age of fourteen, I was given a $10 a week allowance, and anything I wanted above and beyond that didn't include my education, food on the table, transport to and from school, most medical expenses (not the ones I didn't divulge :) ) and the roof over my head, I had to pay for myself. That included clothes (except school uniforms), haircuts, presents for friends and family, entertainment, magazines, transport, things I wanted - CDs, video hire, furniture for my room, anything. So I had to get a job. I did paper runs, worked at a pizza shop, had Christmas jobs at a record shop, but my big one was babysitting. I had clients that went out most Friday or Saturday nights, so I would get $30-80 a week on top of my allowance to do with what I liked. To this day, I have never asked my parents for a cent of their money, however I have asked them for their time, usually with some reluctance.
I took what my parents said seriously. That once I left home, they wouldn't look after me financially and I would never be allowed to come back. So I left home at 18 to fend for myself never to return. And that is what I expect my boys to do. Leave home knowing that they can do it all themselves.
I remember growing up, loving my best friend's parents because they were so generous with their time and money on their kids. My best friend could always go up to her Daddy ask for some money to go out with friends, or buy a dress that she liked. When it came to getting a job, Daddy found her one in television. She found a lovely man, who adored her and she married having a princess wedding only to divorce him after she had an affair with a television personality that she worked with. Now she has her successful television personality husband to look after her. And her parents are destitute, working still when they should be retired, but still give her all the love and attention she needs. Growing up, I always wanted to be a part of their family, but now I know I am in a much better place.
I have a friend who has three 20 something year old children - one married, another finishing her med degree and the other working. He still buys each and every one of them basics to get by, pays half the rent for one of them, doesn't ask for board for another, pays off their cars and destroys his credit rating to make sure that they are all ok. But his kids will always ask for hand-outs because they have always been there. And what you do for one, you have to do for all. He is screaming what to do because one of them has taken complete advantage of him, but he feels compelled to be dragged into helping his child and continues to have the situation abused. From an outsider looking in, when do you cut the cord?
At the age of ten and almost eight, my boys get pocket money each week for certain chores around the house. They are pretty good at doing them, and only have to be asked once, if at all. They are more interested in seeing their money grow in the bank than spending it, even putting all their birthday money in the bank. They actually get disheartened if they see their bank balance reduce in size because they desperately wanted a toy. So they understand the consequences. They have learnt to read a bank statement and like seeing the interest appear. But they are young, and things change, but it's a start.
I think it's important to teach children about money and responsibility as if they are adults. As I said, they are old souls in young bodies, and they can see what it takes to work and survive. I tell my boys what financial responsibilities I have - mortgage, car repayment, how much it costs to fill the car up, how much is the grocery bill, what it costs for the internet, electricity, etc. And they compare that with the money they have in the bank. It's their reality check, and puts it all in perspective for them.
It will be another 10 or more years before I know for sure that my teachings have worked. It is hard to know what's right for you and your children, but I know from my own background, the younger I started, the more appreciative I became of the lessons my parents taught me in being financially responsible, even though I envied what my best friend had at the time.
The Post-Break-Up Wallow
I'm reading a book at the moment called 'The Beach House' by Jane Green. It's about an old lady who has this lovely old beach house with plenty of bedrooms that she decides to rent out rooms in it over the summer. It's about the stories of all the people that come to the house and how the house changes their lives.
There is one character, a newly separated woman who's husband had an affair and her 13-year-old daughter went to live with her husband, leaving her completely alone and empty with no running around to do for school, after school activities, washing to do and meals to prepare. She spent most nights either snowed in with her work or watching re-runs of Law and Order in bed, snuggled up with a liquor based hot chocolate.
As a divorcee myself, I do the same - in fact, I spent more time when I was married avoiding going to bed by doing research on my computer till the wee hours so not to put up with the crap my ex used to watch on TV in bed. Now, I just enjoy having the bed and the bedroom to myself - watch whatever I like on TV, sprawl my clothes all over the floor, play on my computer, chat with friends in the warmth of my bed and when I'm in the mood, pull out my ever reliable 'manly' toy.
But as it says in the book, there is a time to leave the comfort of the duvee and re-runs and venture out into the world of single's nights, friend's parties and blind dates. But do you really have to? Can't you just be happy in your own space without the pre-judged ideals of everyone wanting to be a couple?
As many know, the single dating scene can be even more depressing that seeing Ross marrying Rachel in a drunken Vegas escapade for the tenth time, but can the not trying to date or being involved with someone be like getting back in the employment market after not working for ten years?
It can be more daunting, as you haven't dealt with the expectations of the market for so long. You don't know what's considered cheesy when it was trendy 20 years ago, you don't know the text slang or cyber chat language, you don't know how much people want to know about you and your past life, you don't know how much you are still holding onto your past life... You have worries about how to be intimate with someone else, you don't know how many dates to go on before you introduce your kids to him, you have to think about what your kids think and what's best for them.... oh, the list goes on...
So you retreat back under the covers, watch re-runs of ER or Greys Anatomy, and hope that you may one day have Dr McDreamy just slip into your lap at a school carnival or as a work client so you never have to go to those sleazy single's bars or internet sites again.
There is one character, a newly separated woman who's husband had an affair and her 13-year-old daughter went to live with her husband, leaving her completely alone and empty with no running around to do for school, after school activities, washing to do and meals to prepare. She spent most nights either snowed in with her work or watching re-runs of Law and Order in bed, snuggled up with a liquor based hot chocolate.
As a divorcee myself, I do the same - in fact, I spent more time when I was married avoiding going to bed by doing research on my computer till the wee hours so not to put up with the crap my ex used to watch on TV in bed. Now, I just enjoy having the bed and the bedroom to myself - watch whatever I like on TV, sprawl my clothes all over the floor, play on my computer, chat with friends in the warmth of my bed and when I'm in the mood, pull out my ever reliable 'manly' toy.
But as it says in the book, there is a time to leave the comfort of the duvee and re-runs and venture out into the world of single's nights, friend's parties and blind dates. But do you really have to? Can't you just be happy in your own space without the pre-judged ideals of everyone wanting to be a couple?
As many know, the single dating scene can be even more depressing that seeing Ross marrying Rachel in a drunken Vegas escapade for the tenth time, but can the not trying to date or being involved with someone be like getting back in the employment market after not working for ten years?
It can be more daunting, as you haven't dealt with the expectations of the market for so long. You don't know what's considered cheesy when it was trendy 20 years ago, you don't know the text slang or cyber chat language, you don't know how much people want to know about you and your past life, you don't know how much you are still holding onto your past life... You have worries about how to be intimate with someone else, you don't know how many dates to go on before you introduce your kids to him, you have to think about what your kids think and what's best for them.... oh, the list goes on...
So you retreat back under the covers, watch re-runs of ER or Greys Anatomy, and hope that you may one day have Dr McDreamy just slip into your lap at a school carnival or as a work client so you never have to go to those sleazy single's bars or internet sites again.
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
What Happens when 'Single Mum' Gets Sick?
I came down with a bit of a sore throat today, one of those sore throats that ache your ears. I've been advised that the ear aches are just referral pain and that paracetamol and a touch of whisky will ease it. But what happens when I'm really sick? Who will look after me and my boys?
I had a big scare at the end of last year when my around 40 year old single mum next-door neighbour collapsed with a brain aneurism as she went out for a jog. Her ex-husband lived overseas and rarely saw their two children. She was lucky to have a very supportive boyfriend and the wider school community pitched in making meals, washing laundry, cleaning the house, etc. She was in hospital for about 3 weeks over Christmas, which was devastating for her family. She was lucky that she was with her boyfriend when it happened, as who knows if she would have survived. She's still struggling now with headaches and still not completely fully functioning, but her support network is always around helping her.
The next scare I had was the early 30s neighbour next to her with husband and two children under three, started having headaches and was diagnosed with a brain tumour about 2 months ago. She had emergency surgery and now needs to be babysat by an adult 24/7 for the next six months. She has a team of mum, sister and husband looking after her, she can't drive and feels completely useless not being able to do what she used to do. But she sees it as temporary, so she doesn't let it get her down.
As for me, I've had two fainting scares in the past 6 months. I fainted at my son's swimming lesson smacking my head against a toilet rim, needing x-rays to see if my nose was broken, and again on a flight from Sydney to San Francisco where I was whisked off in an ambulance to get the all-clear to keep flying domestically. It's scary when you have to put your kids in an adult position to look after you because there is no one else.
So as a single mum, you have to teach your children how to fend for themselves. If you are lying in bed with the flu, can they cook themselves some dinner? Can they do the dishes or put them in the dishwasher? Can they put a load of washing on when you've vomited all over your bed clothes and you're too weak to do it yourself? Can they do their entire daily routine without you hounding them? It does all depend on the age of your kids, but really, it's never to early to start teaching them. My 10 year old was making his 12 month old brother breakfast at the age of three - throwing a couple of Weetbix into a bowl and a splash of milk which was never enough, but he tried and it was so sweet that he was considering his brother at such a tender age.
For those who know me, I get no support from my boys' father - not now and never when we were married and my family live too far away to actually help. I have an amazing group of friends in the school community who are happy to help when I need them, but sometimes I'm too proud to ask because I haven't the time to reciprocate running my own business and being the sole parent. And that's hard for me.
So, as I sit here feeling sorry for myself with my sore throat, sniffles and aching ears, I think myself lucky to know that my boys will look after me with the day-to-day running of the house and that I am grateful that I haven't had it as bad as my neighbours - some have it worse, some have it better, but in reality, as mums, we know that we always need to soldier on no matter how sick we are.
I had a big scare at the end of last year when my around 40 year old single mum next-door neighbour collapsed with a brain aneurism as she went out for a jog. Her ex-husband lived overseas and rarely saw their two children. She was lucky to have a very supportive boyfriend and the wider school community pitched in making meals, washing laundry, cleaning the house, etc. She was in hospital for about 3 weeks over Christmas, which was devastating for her family. She was lucky that she was with her boyfriend when it happened, as who knows if she would have survived. She's still struggling now with headaches and still not completely fully functioning, but her support network is always around helping her.
The next scare I had was the early 30s neighbour next to her with husband and two children under three, started having headaches and was diagnosed with a brain tumour about 2 months ago. She had emergency surgery and now needs to be babysat by an adult 24/7 for the next six months. She has a team of mum, sister and husband looking after her, she can't drive and feels completely useless not being able to do what she used to do. But she sees it as temporary, so she doesn't let it get her down.
As for me, I've had two fainting scares in the past 6 months. I fainted at my son's swimming lesson smacking my head against a toilet rim, needing x-rays to see if my nose was broken, and again on a flight from Sydney to San Francisco where I was whisked off in an ambulance to get the all-clear to keep flying domestically. It's scary when you have to put your kids in an adult position to look after you because there is no one else.
So as a single mum, you have to teach your children how to fend for themselves. If you are lying in bed with the flu, can they cook themselves some dinner? Can they do the dishes or put them in the dishwasher? Can they put a load of washing on when you've vomited all over your bed clothes and you're too weak to do it yourself? Can they do their entire daily routine without you hounding them? It does all depend on the age of your kids, but really, it's never to early to start teaching them. My 10 year old was making his 12 month old brother breakfast at the age of three - throwing a couple of Weetbix into a bowl and a splash of milk which was never enough, but he tried and it was so sweet that he was considering his brother at such a tender age.
For those who know me, I get no support from my boys' father - not now and never when we were married and my family live too far away to actually help. I have an amazing group of friends in the school community who are happy to help when I need them, but sometimes I'm too proud to ask because I haven't the time to reciprocate running my own business and being the sole parent. And that's hard for me.
So, as I sit here feeling sorry for myself with my sore throat, sniffles and aching ears, I think myself lucky to know that my boys will look after me with the day-to-day running of the house and that I am grateful that I haven't had it as bad as my neighbours - some have it worse, some have it better, but in reality, as mums, we know that we always need to soldier on no matter how sick we are.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
The Connection...
When do you really know when you have a connection with someone? A connection so intense that you can't live without it, even if you try?
There are many similar stories of those on their second marriage realising that their first marriage - their first serious relationship with another was chicken feed compared with the passion, intensity, love, companionship and compatibility they have with their second spouse. Is it because we race into marriage too young because we want to live up to our parents' expectations of finding someone suitable and starting the responsibilities of home ownership and families when we haven't had a chance to live for ourselves? Or do we put our own expectations on ourselves to have what our 'supposedly happy parents' had and possibly still have?
These days, many people meet each other on the internet, finding long lost loves that should have been their first marriage or complete strangers who touch their heart and soul but live thousands of miles away. Somehow, these people, these relationships, have a connection that surpasses the miles, the boundaries, the family expectations and the judgment... it's something they never dreamed would happen to them.
It's hard to explain, but something's ethereal about their meeting. The connection is automatic, like catching up with an old friend and picking up where the conversation last left. The connection is in the mind, body and spirit, something you can't let go. You feel a force that's undeniable propelling you towards your loved one and you learn to communicate with your lover effortlessly without fear and animosity. You realise a truth in yourself that you've never recognised before, because at last you feel like you can be 'you.' That's the connection... that's when you know You are totally in love and loved by someone.
Not are you in love with that special someone, you are in love with yourself and how you are with this person. You start accepting who you are because they love you for who you are.
The best thing about 'the connection' is that it never fades. The sexual intensity is electrifying, the smiles are infectious, the 'knowing' is mystifying. You just can't live without each other, it's like you've lost a limb without them if they are gone. But you always know the spiritual connection lives forever, and even death could never doth part it.
There are many similar stories of those on their second marriage realising that their first marriage - their first serious relationship with another was chicken feed compared with the passion, intensity, love, companionship and compatibility they have with their second spouse. Is it because we race into marriage too young because we want to live up to our parents' expectations of finding someone suitable and starting the responsibilities of home ownership and families when we haven't had a chance to live for ourselves? Or do we put our own expectations on ourselves to have what our 'supposedly happy parents' had and possibly still have?
These days, many people meet each other on the internet, finding long lost loves that should have been their first marriage or complete strangers who touch their heart and soul but live thousands of miles away. Somehow, these people, these relationships, have a connection that surpasses the miles, the boundaries, the family expectations and the judgment... it's something they never dreamed would happen to them.
It's hard to explain, but something's ethereal about their meeting. The connection is automatic, like catching up with an old friend and picking up where the conversation last left. The connection is in the mind, body and spirit, something you can't let go. You feel a force that's undeniable propelling you towards your loved one and you learn to communicate with your lover effortlessly without fear and animosity. You realise a truth in yourself that you've never recognised before, because at last you feel like you can be 'you.' That's the connection... that's when you know You are totally in love and loved by someone.
Not are you in love with that special someone, you are in love with yourself and how you are with this person. You start accepting who you are because they love you for who you are.
The best thing about 'the connection' is that it never fades. The sexual intensity is electrifying, the smiles are infectious, the 'knowing' is mystifying. You just can't live without each other, it's like you've lost a limb without them if they are gone. But you always know the spiritual connection lives forever, and even death could never doth part it.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Defining a Greater Love...
How can your love be compartmentalised by rationality? OK, so there's the love you have for your parents, the love you have for your children, the love you have for your siblings and the love you have for your partner. And, of course, there's the love you have for pets, your job, your sports, your hobbies and essentially your life. So which one supersedes all to dominate your life? And how is that defined?
Words and actions can speak two very different languages. Your words can say the mantras that you have believed your entire life - that you will love your children unconditionally, that you will cherish your parents through health and sickness, that your work is what makes you 'you', that you will love and honour your life long partner until death do you part. That's your head speaking.... But then your actions betray your words because your heart wants something new, something that keeps you alive when all else seems routine and mundane. You start to play golf every Sunday to get away from the kids and the work life, you don't go on a weekend away with your parents on a river boat because you can't take your dog, you become addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, gambling or the internet despite it killing your family dynamic. You find someone who gives you the time, finds you desirable and discover passion again through an affair. These are the things that take over us and forsake all those things that are supposed to be our 'greater loves.'
So who are we kidding? Will those who are supposed to love us unconditionally - our parents, our children, our life partners, our siblings - can they forgive and forget when we forget a school concert we're supposed to go to, when we've spent our parent's life savings on being bailed out of jail, when we've cheated on our partner or told our siblings that they are a stupid drunk? Some will, some won't - it will all depend on how many times we break their hearts and if they can endure more suffering.
But does family define who we are and where we want to go? In some cases, 'yes,' but in many cases 'no.' We are the product of our environment and most will pick areas of their childhood that they loved and want to share that with their own children and family as they grow up, but we also can be very determined not to have certain elements from our childhood to repeat itself as we rear our own children. But we also get to a stage in life that outside forces give us something so much more than what we can ever have in our family environment. We find a love for travel, a love for sports, a love for solitude, a love for passion. Some of it can include our families in it, and some of it can't - it's your love that you want to claim as your own.
So will those who love you unconditionally allow you the freedom to indulge in the things that make you whole? Or will they fight to keep you by their side no matter how much it hurts you? That's the thing... every person is an individual, and as selfish as it may seem, they can only be whole by being surrounded by the things that make them who they are. They can only help others if they feel they have something for themselves. It's called balance. And the people who love them, have to accept every aspect of them for who they are. It's a question of judgment and accepting.
A greater love won't stop you from doing what you heart compels you to do. It keeps your responsibilities in order, but it finds a way to ensure that you can blend your responsibilities with that greater love. The greater love will break all boundaries so that your heart is always content. But you can't have the greater love without the greatest love.
The greatest love of all is with ourselves. We can only be the best for everyone else if we love who we are and all aspects of our being. We can always strive to be better.. better for ourselves and for those we love, without sacrificing the person within.
Words and actions can speak two very different languages. Your words can say the mantras that you have believed your entire life - that you will love your children unconditionally, that you will cherish your parents through health and sickness, that your work is what makes you 'you', that you will love and honour your life long partner until death do you part. That's your head speaking.... But then your actions betray your words because your heart wants something new, something that keeps you alive when all else seems routine and mundane. You start to play golf every Sunday to get away from the kids and the work life, you don't go on a weekend away with your parents on a river boat because you can't take your dog, you become addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, gambling or the internet despite it killing your family dynamic. You find someone who gives you the time, finds you desirable and discover passion again through an affair. These are the things that take over us and forsake all those things that are supposed to be our 'greater loves.'
So who are we kidding? Will those who are supposed to love us unconditionally - our parents, our children, our life partners, our siblings - can they forgive and forget when we forget a school concert we're supposed to go to, when we've spent our parent's life savings on being bailed out of jail, when we've cheated on our partner or told our siblings that they are a stupid drunk? Some will, some won't - it will all depend on how many times we break their hearts and if they can endure more suffering.
But does family define who we are and where we want to go? In some cases, 'yes,' but in many cases 'no.' We are the product of our environment and most will pick areas of their childhood that they loved and want to share that with their own children and family as they grow up, but we also can be very determined not to have certain elements from our childhood to repeat itself as we rear our own children. But we also get to a stage in life that outside forces give us something so much more than what we can ever have in our family environment. We find a love for travel, a love for sports, a love for solitude, a love for passion. Some of it can include our families in it, and some of it can't - it's your love that you want to claim as your own.
So will those who love you unconditionally allow you the freedom to indulge in the things that make you whole? Or will they fight to keep you by their side no matter how much it hurts you? That's the thing... every person is an individual, and as selfish as it may seem, they can only be whole by being surrounded by the things that make them who they are. They can only help others if they feel they have something for themselves. It's called balance. And the people who love them, have to accept every aspect of them for who they are. It's a question of judgment and accepting.
A greater love won't stop you from doing what you heart compels you to do. It keeps your responsibilities in order, but it finds a way to ensure that you can blend your responsibilities with that greater love. The greater love will break all boundaries so that your heart is always content. But you can't have the greater love without the greatest love.
The greatest love of all is with ourselves. We can only be the best for everyone else if we love who we are and all aspects of our being. We can always strive to be better.. better for ourselves and for those we love, without sacrificing the person within.
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Irony at its best!
Yesterday I helped out a friend who is launching her own website for her make-up/hair styling business. Our tasks at hand were to dress up in our wedding dresses and have our hair and make-up done for a professional photo shoot. For those who participated, well the ones that were there when I was there, were two divorcees (one with kids, one without), one never-been-married single mum and a 'haven't-been-in-a-relationship-for-over-2-years' late thirty something. All those who were asked but couldn't attend were married with kids and 'doing something' on a Saturday afternoon.
I'm not really a girlie-girl, so my wedding dress was still the way I left it 12.5 years ago with stains reminiscent of a not-so-memorable day. However, I will say that buttons could be done up and boobs were able to be strapped down into something I wore when I was twenty-five, which is a mean feat to be proud of.
As the MAC make-up was applied by my 'mostly-single, married-to-her-job' friend starting her new business venture, the conversation rotated around men - what they are good for, what they are not. How relationships dissolve, and how selfish men can be. It actually took up some of the conversation that I posted a couple of days ago 'Finding time to be you.' The 'engaged' hair assistant talked about how her fiancee said that he still needs to have his golf day on Sunday if they were to ever have kids, where she couldn't see a way that she could have time for herself. They were conflicted about the compromises each of them will have to make - she making all the compromises, he living they way he's used to. The divorcee who has been in a live-in relationship with another for a short period realised too, that once she moved in with him, she was his domestic slave and only took over the role of his mother. Where can a single woman find a man with a equal level of responsibility, maturity and not be disillusioned by their woman being career-successful?
As we strapped ourselves into corsetry, satin and lace, it was decided that all the good men were taken. But most of us were happy in our own space. To go home and dive under the covers, watch a chick-flick with a bowl of Thai Green Curry - something a meat-and-three-veg man couldn't stomach. A place where we could drift off to sleep wherever our tired bodies lay, cuddling up to a cushion or a cat in our own state of harmony. For most of us, that is our bliss.
So as we smiled for the camera, we smiled for our independence, not for the clothes we wore. We were married to ourselves and the liberty that it offers. Even though it's nice to have a man on tap when you need him, the sacrifice of losing your own space to their demands and lifestyle really isn't worth it. Here's to all the girls who enjoy being single!
I'm not really a girlie-girl, so my wedding dress was still the way I left it 12.5 years ago with stains reminiscent of a not-so-memorable day. However, I will say that buttons could be done up and boobs were able to be strapped down into something I wore when I was twenty-five, which is a mean feat to be proud of.
As the MAC make-up was applied by my 'mostly-single, married-to-her-job' friend starting her new business venture, the conversation rotated around men - what they are good for, what they are not. How relationships dissolve, and how selfish men can be. It actually took up some of the conversation that I posted a couple of days ago 'Finding time to be you.' The 'engaged' hair assistant talked about how her fiancee said that he still needs to have his golf day on Sunday if they were to ever have kids, where she couldn't see a way that she could have time for herself. They were conflicted about the compromises each of them will have to make - she making all the compromises, he living they way he's used to. The divorcee who has been in a live-in relationship with another for a short period realised too, that once she moved in with him, she was his domestic slave and only took over the role of his mother. Where can a single woman find a man with a equal level of responsibility, maturity and not be disillusioned by their woman being career-successful?
As we strapped ourselves into corsetry, satin and lace, it was decided that all the good men were taken. But most of us were happy in our own space. To go home and dive under the covers, watch a chick-flick with a bowl of Thai Green Curry - something a meat-and-three-veg man couldn't stomach. A place where we could drift off to sleep wherever our tired bodies lay, cuddling up to a cushion or a cat in our own state of harmony. For most of us, that is our bliss.
So as we smiled for the camera, we smiled for our independence, not for the clothes we wore. We were married to ourselves and the liberty that it offers. Even though it's nice to have a man on tap when you need him, the sacrifice of losing your own space to their demands and lifestyle really isn't worth it. Here's to all the girls who enjoy being single!
Thursday, 11 August 2011
Finding time to be you...
Friends come to me with their troubles, as I do with them. Most of them are married, in mostly happy relationships with their significant others, but are strained by their 'coupledom.' The respective roles that they have assumed within their marriages, not because of choice, because of expectation. They tell me that their world would stop if they weren't around - to be grocery shopper, house cleaner, ironer, meal maker, child disciplinarian, taxi driver, etc. And it's even worse when they are sick (which rarely happens - who has time to be sick?) But most these women have husbands who provide the dollars to keep their lifestyle intact. Yes, they may help out with the business, doing paperwork, errands, take phone calls, etc, but if it wasn't for their husband's business, they wouldn't be where they are now financially and in their lifestyle. True, it works both way - if their husband didn't have their support, they wouldn't be in the position that they are in either, so in essence they are a team in life - business and pleasure.
But this is where the male side of the team lets down the female side of the team. The men work hard, and then play hard. And their women work hard for the business end of the team, and work hard for the family end of the team, but don't get a chance to be themselves. They rarely socialise without the children, they rarely have a chance to sit down with a good book, or have a lazy afternoon shopping, while their husbands arrange boys weekends away to surf, go motocross riding, play golf or see an interstate football match. At what stage does it become the husband's priority to give his wife a chance to have some time to herself?
That's the thing... women need to give themselves the opportunity to be themselves. They can't rely on their husbands to give them permission. And that is what they are asking. Why? Who knows. Is it because they feel indispensable? Don't they trust their husbands to look after their family while they are away? Are they worried about what they will come home to, so a weekend away won't be as relaxing as they hoped?
Women just need to let go and not think about the consequences. They need to learn to enjoy their own time, discover themselves again - discover what makes them tick outside their regimented roles of being a mother, wife and business partner. Start with announcing one Friday night that in two weekend's time, you have booked yourself a spa weekend away with a girlfriend and that husband dearest needs to take the children to their Saturday morning sports, do all the washing and ironing over the weekend and feed the kids three square meals a day. Any mess they make, has to be cleaned up, as you want the house to be in the same state as you left it. The response might be shock, but it's only shock because you have allowed your marriage to be dominated by your husband's and children's activities and forgotten about yourself.
As a single mum, my time is precious to me and if I don't get a week or so break every 6 months from my day-to-day duties, my sanity goes out the window. But that's because I have my boys in my custody 99% of the time every month, and the only excuse I can use to ask family to look after my boys is if it's work related. Apparently I'm not allowed to have a social life that takes me away from my boys. Thus I have to integrate my working life with my social life to feel like an adult, or I need to start making millions to have a nanny on call.
Both single mums and married mums need to think outside the square to have a life that they can call their own. Team up with other mums to give your children sleepovers when you need to escape for a weekend and reciprocate when they want the same. Teach your kids independence and that you will come back. Learn how to be 'you' again. Because the best thing you could ever do for your children is to come back a better, more revitalised mum.
But this is where the male side of the team lets down the female side of the team. The men work hard, and then play hard. And their women work hard for the business end of the team, and work hard for the family end of the team, but don't get a chance to be themselves. They rarely socialise without the children, they rarely have a chance to sit down with a good book, or have a lazy afternoon shopping, while their husbands arrange boys weekends away to surf, go motocross riding, play golf or see an interstate football match. At what stage does it become the husband's priority to give his wife a chance to have some time to herself?
That's the thing... women need to give themselves the opportunity to be themselves. They can't rely on their husbands to give them permission. And that is what they are asking. Why? Who knows. Is it because they feel indispensable? Don't they trust their husbands to look after their family while they are away? Are they worried about what they will come home to, so a weekend away won't be as relaxing as they hoped?
Women just need to let go and not think about the consequences. They need to learn to enjoy their own time, discover themselves again - discover what makes them tick outside their regimented roles of being a mother, wife and business partner. Start with announcing one Friday night that in two weekend's time, you have booked yourself a spa weekend away with a girlfriend and that husband dearest needs to take the children to their Saturday morning sports, do all the washing and ironing over the weekend and feed the kids three square meals a day. Any mess they make, has to be cleaned up, as you want the house to be in the same state as you left it. The response might be shock, but it's only shock because you have allowed your marriage to be dominated by your husband's and children's activities and forgotten about yourself.
As a single mum, my time is precious to me and if I don't get a week or so break every 6 months from my day-to-day duties, my sanity goes out the window. But that's because I have my boys in my custody 99% of the time every month, and the only excuse I can use to ask family to look after my boys is if it's work related. Apparently I'm not allowed to have a social life that takes me away from my boys. Thus I have to integrate my working life with my social life to feel like an adult, or I need to start making millions to have a nanny on call.
Both single mums and married mums need to think outside the square to have a life that they can call their own. Team up with other mums to give your children sleepovers when you need to escape for a weekend and reciprocate when they want the same. Teach your kids independence and that you will come back. Learn how to be 'you' again. Because the best thing you could ever do for your children is to come back a better, more revitalised mum.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
The appeal of a married man...
I was speaking to a real estate agent I work with today - a single mum in her fifties who was married for twenty years, successful in her own right, physically active, and her secret passion is to have sex with married men.
For her, the appeal is that she can have unbelievable sex without all the baggage. She now realises what she 'settled' for with her husband, and now can enjoy the fun, the sensuality, the lust and the passion without it ever waning, because the thrill of 'his' unavailability is electrifying. There's the chance of getting caught with no repercussions to her own status. He's the one who will lose out - lose the respect of his family, his wife, his peers and possibly his financial status, where as she's the one who can walk away and move onto the next. There's no love, just lust, and once that lust turns to something more, she just moves on.
It seems a little heartless for those who feel sex should be with someone you at least respect, admire and care for deeply, but I guess that's the difference between having 'sex' and 'making love.' There is no romance in just sex, no sweeping off your feet, no sentimentality or intimate conversation. Sex is just two bodies 'bumping uglies' to get to the big bang.
Then there's those who innocently fall for a married man because he is everything they want in a man - the intimacy, the mutuality, the love making, the reciprocity, the excitement and the romance only to be torn by the morality of knowing that he can't completely be yours because he has another life with his wife and children. In Australia, the statistics are around 60% of all marriage break-ups are because the woman initiated it, 35% are a mutual decision and only 5% of all marriage break-ups are men initiated it. Men can't cope with changing their dynamic. They would rather live with the mundaneness of their marriage, find some excitement on the side and stay for the ride. But when their wives find out about their indiscretions, they lose all trust in their relationship and there is no turning back. Their marriage will never be the same.
Wives are funny people though. There are two types - those who accept their husband's indiscretions as just sex that they haven't been offering their husbands anyway, and happy to live with the lie for the sake of maintaining the family harmony, and those who don't accept any indiscretions and blatantly tell their husbands to leave. But when the first type of wife discovers that her husband is having an intimate relationship that involves more than just sex, but in reality a second life that involves everything from knowing their financial details and concerns, friendship, companionship, their every movement, their family bonding times, their work schedule, their doctor's appointments and even being introduced to mutual friends, then wouldn't it be fair to say that the wife would consider herself superseded and any trust, love, intimacy and mutuality is completely gone and that there is no point continuing the marriage, not even for the family?
You can't help who you fall in love with, but you can help who you have sex with. I'm not for or against either case, but I am 'for' mutual happiness, and if a marriage or any relationship for that matter, isn't happy consistently, then, for me, there is no point in continuing it. Life is too short to live in sadness...
For her, the appeal is that she can have unbelievable sex without all the baggage. She now realises what she 'settled' for with her husband, and now can enjoy the fun, the sensuality, the lust and the passion without it ever waning, because the thrill of 'his' unavailability is electrifying. There's the chance of getting caught with no repercussions to her own status. He's the one who will lose out - lose the respect of his family, his wife, his peers and possibly his financial status, where as she's the one who can walk away and move onto the next. There's no love, just lust, and once that lust turns to something more, she just moves on.
It seems a little heartless for those who feel sex should be with someone you at least respect, admire and care for deeply, but I guess that's the difference between having 'sex' and 'making love.' There is no romance in just sex, no sweeping off your feet, no sentimentality or intimate conversation. Sex is just two bodies 'bumping uglies' to get to the big bang.
Then there's those who innocently fall for a married man because he is everything they want in a man - the intimacy, the mutuality, the love making, the reciprocity, the excitement and the romance only to be torn by the morality of knowing that he can't completely be yours because he has another life with his wife and children. In Australia, the statistics are around 60% of all marriage break-ups are because the woman initiated it, 35% are a mutual decision and only 5% of all marriage break-ups are men initiated it. Men can't cope with changing their dynamic. They would rather live with the mundaneness of their marriage, find some excitement on the side and stay for the ride. But when their wives find out about their indiscretions, they lose all trust in their relationship and there is no turning back. Their marriage will never be the same.
Wives are funny people though. There are two types - those who accept their husband's indiscretions as just sex that they haven't been offering their husbands anyway, and happy to live with the lie for the sake of maintaining the family harmony, and those who don't accept any indiscretions and blatantly tell their husbands to leave. But when the first type of wife discovers that her husband is having an intimate relationship that involves more than just sex, but in reality a second life that involves everything from knowing their financial details and concerns, friendship, companionship, their every movement, their family bonding times, their work schedule, their doctor's appointments and even being introduced to mutual friends, then wouldn't it be fair to say that the wife would consider herself superseded and any trust, love, intimacy and mutuality is completely gone and that there is no point continuing the marriage, not even for the family?
You can't help who you fall in love with, but you can help who you have sex with. I'm not for or against either case, but I am 'for' mutual happiness, and if a marriage or any relationship for that matter, isn't happy consistently, then, for me, there is no point in continuing it. Life is too short to live in sadness...
Monday, 8 August 2011
Sex and the Single Mum: Emotions... how to communicate them...
Sex and the Single Mum: Emotions... how to communicate them...: "Most would say that I'm an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cry at every poignant point in a movie, I'm in touch with what ..."
Emotions... how to communicate them...
Most would say that I'm an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cry at every poignant point in a movie, I'm in touch with what moves me - the poverty stricken African child who hasn't brought any food to his mouth for a week, reunited people at an airport, when a family loses a loved one through war, when there is a natural disaster that killed and when I'm proud of an achievement my kids have done. These are things that touch my heart and soul, as most would, but somehow, I can't dive deep into my emotional pool and communicate verbally my emotions to those who matter most.
OK, so we know that emotions are part of our irrational side of our brain. So does that mean, that whenever we try to communicate them verbally, we are no doubt going to make mistakes when we communicate? We say things that we don't mean? We get pushed to a point to reveal an evil side of ourselves that rarely surfaces, because we can only take so much? Do we end up using words that we subconsciously know will hurt the other person, only to combat the hurt that they give us? Can we take back the words that we so regretfully said, and have our loved one forgive us over time?
It's so hard to know what's right, as every individual acts and responds differently, you never know when you will hit a trigger point that loses your beau's trust. How do you get that trust back?
I know I've hurt my love by not being able to reach into the depths of my soul and verbalise what I truly felt at a time when words were being flung around with passionate animosity. My words, at the time, hit like a dagger into his heart. I can't retract those words that wounded, I just beg for forgiveness. If it can only be understood that it was my irrationality that took me there, not my rational clarity that draws me to him.
I don't know how to communicate emotions properly, like I'm guessing 99% of the population don't know how to. We can only eliminate those who have college degrees in psychology, psychiatry and Freud who can rationalise their emotions and practice their skills everyday. It's more hurtful when those mental professionals who have the skills to differentiate the rational and the irrational say something intentional to hurt or create a reaction that determine who the person is because they are using their skill to lure their victim into what they don't want to say, and damn them.
But they are the one's who know that they have pushed too hard, and can forgive easily, knowing that they have trapped their prey in their web, hurting their loves in the process.
It is a learning curve, knowing how you can cope when pushed. But it's a very hard lesson to learn.
OK, so we know that emotions are part of our irrational side of our brain. So does that mean, that whenever we try to communicate them verbally, we are no doubt going to make mistakes when we communicate? We say things that we don't mean? We get pushed to a point to reveal an evil side of ourselves that rarely surfaces, because we can only take so much? Do we end up using words that we subconsciously know will hurt the other person, only to combat the hurt that they give us? Can we take back the words that we so regretfully said, and have our loved one forgive us over time?
It's so hard to know what's right, as every individual acts and responds differently, you never know when you will hit a trigger point that loses your beau's trust. How do you get that trust back?
I know I've hurt my love by not being able to reach into the depths of my soul and verbalise what I truly felt at a time when words were being flung around with passionate animosity. My words, at the time, hit like a dagger into his heart. I can't retract those words that wounded, I just beg for forgiveness. If it can only be understood that it was my irrationality that took me there, not my rational clarity that draws me to him.
I don't know how to communicate emotions properly, like I'm guessing 99% of the population don't know how to. We can only eliminate those who have college degrees in psychology, psychiatry and Freud who can rationalise their emotions and practice their skills everyday. It's more hurtful when those mental professionals who have the skills to differentiate the rational and the irrational say something intentional to hurt or create a reaction that determine who the person is because they are using their skill to lure their victim into what they don't want to say, and damn them.
But they are the one's who know that they have pushed too hard, and can forgive easily, knowing that they have trapped their prey in their web, hurting their loves in the process.
It is a learning curve, knowing how you can cope when pushed. But it's a very hard lesson to learn.
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