Are We Raising Babies?

With the media blowing everything out of proportion from scaring our kids to just walk in the street or eating the wrong types of foods, we are seriously going to be stuck with a generation of whimpy, fragile kids who just won't try anything, stand up for themselves, or just allow everything the media, insurance companies and anyone of authority to walk right over them.

I was talking to a financial planner the other day and we were working out my life insurance in the event that I die. She thought I had over-insured myself, but when she worked out the figures - assuming I die tomorrow, that I need to clear my debts and provide for my two boys to a certain age, I had the figure pretty spot on until my boys were 20 years old. But then she suggested that there was no way that they will leave home then, that I will need to provide for their university courses, maybe buy them a car and should be their primary carer until at least 25 years of age. I was blown away at that thought! I am NOT raising boys who cannot and will not have the ability to look after themselves.

I will expect my boys to have part time jobs when they are 15 years old, they will pay for their own university degrees upfront or through student loans, if that's the road they choose and if they choose to live at home, they will pay board and contribute to the running of the household when they have finished high school. In fact, at the ages of 12 and 10 that they are now, they are already saving for their cars and university fund by putting all their birthday & pocket money into their bank accounts as well as selling their unwanted toys. They have been doing chores around the house for the past 4 years like emptying the dishwasher, drying the dishes, putting their clothes away, vacuuming, wiping tables & benches, watering plants & putting the rubbish bins out to EARN their pocket money.

My boys are very proud of the money they have sitting in the bank. They understand the value of a dollar (and even in foreign currencies), so they look after their toys, especially the ones they know they will grow out of and want to Ebay in the future. I don't actually buy them any toys anymore... I give them a certain amount of pocket money to save each week and a certain amount to spend (its about 25% spend, 75% save), so if they want something, they save their spending money until they can afford it.

But when I look around and see what 'men' are out there these days, most, if not all, are looking for a 'mother' figure as a girlfriend or wife to look after them. And it doesn't matter how old they are - 25, 40, 57, 70... they all want the 'comfort' of being looked after by a woman. I want my boys to be strong, independent, caring and compassionate men who know how to earn a living, know how to pay their own bills on time and be successful without being cocky.

I'm not saying all parents are wrapping their kids in cotton blankets, but there is a good percentage that do. I urge all parents to allow your children the freedom to find their feet, get the courage to walk out the door on their own, find their way home and let them know it's ok to make mistakes as long as they learn from them. Make them understand responsibility for themselves and others, make them unselfish and have a desire to give. But please don't be raising your child well into his or her 20s or even 30s expecting them to somehow fend for themselves when your dead and buried, but not give them the tools to know how to be their own person NOW! No matter how old they are, it's never to young to start.

A Touch of Europe in Melbourne

Yesterday, the boys and I went to the city (after we voted in our nation's election) to see if we actually could love the culture in our own city as we did love many parts of Europe. We started off at the iconic Flinders Street station and found Degraves Street... a truly European slice of heaven in Melbourne.

We went there, as I had heard the best waffles in town was a little place called 'Waffle On' in Degraves Street... but as we hadn't ventured too much into our own town, we hadn't realised that Degraves Street was rich in European style cafes from every corner of the continent, and the language truly made us feel like we had been teleported back to our 6 week holiday. We found 'Waffle On' and enjoyed some delicious maple syrup waffles with a bottle of Orangina (our favourite drink from France & Belgium) and enjoyed the sunshine and the vibrant cafe life.

We then walked along the Yarra down Southbank, and had our dose of outdoor buskers - fire jugglers, gold statues, homeless beggars - all outside some of the city's most exclusive restaurants... a feeling that was a cross between Covent Garden in London and the Seine in Paris.

We ended up at Crown Casino to watch the movie 'Red 2' and were surprised to see places we had been to in Paris and London sprayed across the screen... Tower Bridge, Eiffel Tower, Westminister Abbey, the Gherkin Building, the streets of Paris... it was all there.  I think it was the first big screen movie we had seen since being back that made us know what it was like to be where all these 'big stars' were. I think that's what made the movie more exciting to watch (even though it really is a fabulous and very funny movie).

So the day that started out with lots of moaning and groaning from my No 2 son (as he was happy just to stay home), ended up being a lovely day out with my two favourite boys, with lots of appreciative hugs and a cuddle on the couch watching 'Harry Potter' because he wanted more 'family time' with his big brother and mum. I really do have two very special little men in my life. :)

What is it with men?

Where is the romance? Where is the responsibility? Where is the manliness of 'men' these days? It seems like they all want to go from A to F (assuming 'F' is sex and 'Z' is married 80 year olds who are destined to death do us part, as who can be bothered divorcing at 80?). In the almost 4 years I've been separated from my husband, I don't think I have been ever asked to go on a 'date' before the words of sex spews out of the man's mouth.

No one has sent me flowers as an admirer, no one has taken me out to dinner or a coffee that hasn't been a work meeting or a male friend just catching up and the only dates I've actually ever been on (where I paid for half of them) was with my lover (but of course, after sex was initiated), whose attempted acts of chivalry, where he opened the car or restaurant door for me, pulled out his own money clip to pay for anything or even paid for a hotel were a little bit left field of his 'declared' chivalrous traditions... yes they were there at the start, but diminished over time - I'm not sure if it was because Australian men don't act chivalrous and I hadn't been used to being doted over without agenda, which I explained to him (and it was difficult to accept his courtesies, even though I did love them), or if it was all an act to start with and he got lenient over time (though, he was adamant that his daughters shouldn't date a man who wasn't prepared to treat her like a princess and open doors, let them take the only seat or pay for them... so why should he treat a woman any differently?)

In the last few days, I've had men from my past keen to 'hitch' up again, yet they aren't prepared to sweep me off my feet. The issue I have is that they want me to essentially be their Mum... they love what I do with my boys, they think I'm the coolest Mum ever, they love how my boys love and appreciate me, and they want a piece of it. But what are they offering ME? Another child (in themselves, not to have one conceived)? I don't need another child, I need a man who is prepared to look after me, not me look after him... I looked after my ex-husband pretty much from Day One and I've definitely looked after my own boys since they were born, so I don't need to be looking after another man who's not prepared to look after me... And what they don't realise, is that as a single mother, NO ONE is looking after me!!!

I think this is a common problem most women find these days, no matter how old you are... I was speaking to a single lady in her late seventies last night, and she said that men only get worse with age. How is that actually possible? Do they revert back into the womb once they hit eighteen and completely forget that they are actually supposed to be the 'man' in the relationship - a strong, emotionally & financially supportive partner who treats his woman like the queen she should be? Or are the gender roles getting so confusing that no one knows who is supposed to be 'who' anymore? Are we all being selfish in what we want and no one is actually considering what the other half needs?

I had another conversation with a man recently, who was in an unstable marriage for the better half of sixteen years, and he has come to the point in his life that he believes whatever he does then 'he deserves it, and he's worth it.' So despite his children being in their later stage of their teens, he is pretty much doing everything for himself, and not considering the living circumstances of his children because he knows that they will fly the coup in the next two to ten years... so he's decided just to build a two bedroom + study house for himself. With kids staying at home longer now, you'd think that he would understand that he still has a good ten-fifteen years of them actually staying at home, and should accommodate that... but no. Same as my ex... wants to see our boys more, yet has lived in a one bedroom flat for the last 3.5 years... the boys literally have no where to go at his flat, so they stay the night with me 100% of the time.

I am tired of the selfishness of men. Men who have absolutely no consideration for women's needs, men who get offended even if you try to say Hi or show you care; men who turn a purely innocent conversation into a sexual opportunity; men who yearn for you, yet offer nothing in return... nothing of substance. And then there are men who promise one thing and go against it.

Really, why do we bother?

Phone etiquette

The one thing that drove me more insane with my ex-husband's behaviour when we were married more than anything was that he made me feel like I didn't matter. And some of that feeling was due to his phone etiquette. If we went out for lunch when the boys were at school, it would only be a couple of minutes into sitting down, and his phone would ring, he would check his email and have to respond immediately or he would be blatant enough to initiate a call. The worst was when he left the table to talk to 'whoever it was' like it was something private he didn't want me to hear, but he would say that the restaurant was too noisy so he had to go outside and hear the person. I always felt lost as to why we were out, why I was being ignored and why life couldn't stop to enjoy each other without work or kids in the way. Really, what can be so important that you miss out on spending some rare but valuable one-on-one time with your wife? The thing is, he's not the only one.

Then I saw the 10 year olds doing something similar the other night... two of them had their own iPhones, and two had their iPads. Occasionally, they would all grab them at once and just not talk to each other. Other times, they all tried to contact the same friend in Malaysia to Skype with them, essentially trying to include this other boy in the party... which was sweet. Luckily, it was 80% of the time that they were actually interacting together, not on their phones and tablets. It's something adults should look at and learn from, as I'm sure adults have the statistics swinging the other way.

So why are we so obsessive that the people outside our current world - the ones we can touch, hug, kiss, love - aren't being treated with the respect that they deserve? Yet the people on the net, our phone or even a stupid website where we can live vicariously through other people's lives, has become more important to us? Do we need to have a good look at our habits and see what we can change?

I know that I've made some changes... I've turned my phone on to silent between the hours of 10pm and 7am, so I don't get the annoying beeps of emails coming in, late night messaging, or game plays when I need to sleep. I refuse to have my phone or computer near me when I spend time with my boys if it's at home. When we go out, it's on silent and I only pull it out to take photos of a memorable time. But then they know, that sometimes I do have to catch up with work and I just need a half hour of quiet time while I answer emails, phone calls, etc and they do the same with their iPads. However, I know that sometimes I might have an indulgent play of a game or Facebook check if the boys leave me to go to the toilet at a restaurant and I get that horrible feeling that my ex used to do, of feeling ignored and alone, so I find comfort in checking my phone.

It just seems we are so reliant on our phones these days... When the boys and I were travelling around Europe, it was a breath of fresh air not having phone/email/internet contact with anyone for the 5-7 hours we were on the road each day. The phone was only good (actually amazing) as our Sat-Nav and for taking photos of all the magical places we were driving through.

The problem is that, as we vicariously live through other people's lives because it's at our fingertips, we feel like whatever we are doing isn't good enough, so we find escapes through our phones of feel good anecdotes to push us through the boring moments, when in reality, if we used our imagination, we could actually be making some of those feel good moments for ourselves if we stop worrying about what the rest of the world is doing.

Make some conscious decisions, switch off the phone and enjoy what you have around you.

The Funniest 10 Year Old Birthday Party

My son has his birthday today. When we were in Europe we planned who he would invite for his sleepover party, what they would eat and what they would do. He was super excited about it. We sent invitations out last week, and since then, he and his friends have been planning every minute detail. He convinced his friends to bring corn chips & salsa to make nachos, and other friends to bring lollies. Another friend brought Nerf guns so that they could have a Nerf war... truly funny how they orchestrated it all by themselves.

The invitation was to start at 5pm... but on the way home from school, I get a phone call from one of the kids asking if we are home yet as he had already arrived.. it was 3.40pm... Told him we would be 2 minutes! Funny! We got home, and this little boys' Dad's apprentice dropped him off - cute, possibly 20 years old, dragged in a bag full of corn chips, cheese and salsa. Stayed for a few minutes, told me the boys will be happy sleeping on the floor and left.

The boys played their Nerf wars outside, played a bit of tiggy and came inside for some nachos or a drink between running around. It was truly great to see them running around and being active. Occasionally they would come inside and play my son's new drum kit! Oh, my poor neighbours.

Gradually the others arrived... 5 in total (5 is all I could handle), with the last one's mum happy to open a bottle of sparkling with me and have a chat. I blew up the air mattress, and they decided to make it a wrestling pit. But completely orchestrated - complete with videographer, commentator and taking turns being the two wrestlers. Hilarious! After they fought each other too much, they decided to give each other 'time out' corners on every corner of the room - knowing exactly whose corner was whose. And it wasn't once they did it, it was probably five or six times. And they stayed there for 5 minutes, catching their breath, reducing the sting of any hurts and psyching themselves up for the next battle. And they did this all themselves.

After 4 packets of corn chips, 2 bottles of salsa and plenty of drinks, pizza arrived. They all agreed for me to buy 5 pizzas, but only ate two (guess what I'm having for lunch and dinner over the next 2 days).

While they ate their pizza, they talked about how their teachers are teaching them how to dance for their school concert. I had some wildly graphic descriptions how the teachers are showing them how to jiggle, but they aren't even moving, it's only their 'flubber' that's moving!

I gave them some jelly and one of the boys brought the book "Go the F*&^ to Sleep." So they all huddled up together eating their jelly, listening to one of the boys read them this feral bedtime story. We then had birthday cake, and one of the boys had to go, even though you could see he was having the best time!

After another Nerf war and the revelation of a big bowl of lollies, they asked me to show them 'Ernest The Engine' (You Tube it! It's hilarious!). They couldn't stop laughing. Now they are sitting sedately watching a movie most mothers wouldn't approve of... but luckily, most of the boys' parents are ok with it.

I just think it's funny how the boys have essentially organised all the fun for themselves... I've just provided a place for them to do it and pizza. Kids have come a long way since I was 10. There would be no way that I would have a say in my party, let alone have a party at all. All the kids are great kids... all have thanked me endlessly for drinks and the pizza, apologise if something has gone a little wrong, have stopped when I've told them they are too rowdy or the noise level is too much, and they have listened and settled down. It's so good that kids these days can actually feel confident enough to say what they want, yet have the manners to show respect to their environment and people providing or helping them.

Fighting Against the World, then Finally Getting a Win.

There's the old adage, 'if something is worth it, it's worth fighting for.' And, oh my goodness, have I fought some major battles over the last few years. And most of the battles I lost - lawyers won, Homeland Security won, my ex-husband won, schools won, banks won, my parents won, everyone seemed to win, except me. My lover used to say to me 'the world 4,395,403, Suzy 0.' And that's what it felt like... like no one was ever on my side. Only those who have been consumed by divorce and separation can truly understand the heartache, the emotional stress and the unbelievable feeling of feeling worthless because everything you are fighting for is going against you, but you pick yourself up and keep going hoping like buggery that someone will just give you a break.

Everyday feels like a fight to me... fighting the school system and government to ensure my son gets the education he needs, fighting myself to get my book written, fighting my kids to just get things done around the house or their homework, fighting a losing battle against my weight, fighting politicians who say one thing then do another, sticking up for my kids when other kids are bullying them, fighting to get cashflow from my clients, fighting to get child support, fight fight fight... you always feel like there is that underlying tension in your stomach that won't go away because if it's not one thing your fighting for, there is always something new around the corner. The hard thing about it, as a single parent, is that you're doing it alone. You get no support or listening ear from a spouse or partner, and no one takes on your problems like you do yourself... as they have their own problems. It really does leave you empty inside when you do it solo.

But then, after years of fighting, the tension starts to fade away. Is it a sign that things are getting better, or a false illusion with more fighting around the corner? But some of the issues you fight for start to fall into place... governments legislate to create new school systems that your children will benefit from, people start paying without you harassing them, your kids are willing to do their homework, child support suddenly appears in your bank account and even the tax system is on your side. Your voice is being heard by people that matter, and it just makes life so much easier.

We had two wins this week... one for us as a family, one for my oldest son. Finally, it felt like someone is giving us a chance to get ahead and do the things we want to do. Don't get me wrong, we still had plenty of losses this week, but for some reason, the wins stand out like the sun is finally shining on us. Maybe the things we have fought for weren't right for us at the time, and maybe the things we have been given this week are the things the universe decides we deserve or require to ensure our lives go in the right direction... who knows. Whatever it is, it's making us feel less alone and less of a struggle so we can get on with things that matter - loving and caring for each other.

Deciding Life's Path...

I had a lovely chat with an elderly couple today, selling their home to be closer to their family and move into an 'independent lifestyle resort.'  They were excited about their new venture but told me that fourteen years ago, when they bought the home they are now selling, they would only leave it when they were being 'taken out in a box.' I didn't ask them how old they are, but they were sprightly great-grandparents who absolutely adored their grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

And it got me thinking... how many times are we adamant about what we will do with our lives, only for 'life' to make that decision for us. I know I've harped on about the 'till death do us part' marriage vow and how cynical I am about it, due to so many people I personally know who have broken their marriage vows, divorced or purely just live a lie of a life. I snicker at Facebook pages of people I know who I know have had affairs, yet write soppy public notes to their wives and husbands dedicating their loyalty to each other, when in reality, there is no loyalty. Even the soppy love notes on Facebook that I read, and I have no idea if there have been infidelities within the marriage, make me think that something isn't right and someone is trying to right their wrongs. Or it's the constant pics of themselves with the kids, but nothing of their spouse... the idea that there is no unity within the family. So I'm sure you can understand my cynical thoughts.

But then, even if there is the happy marriage, once the children leave the nest, the parents decide to enjoy life as a couple again! Yippee! They spend their hard-earned and saved money on trips overseas, expensive toys and jewellery, pretend they are 20 again with the high-adrenalin sports like sky-diving, gliding or sailing, they take up expensive memberships at golf clubs and tell their kids that they are in the SKI club: the 'Spend the Kids Inheritance' Club. Most the kids don't think much of it, as they are happy they are enjoying their twilight years and at last spending their own money on doing things they love and have sacrificed for. They move out of the family home as the house is too big for them and find something small enough so the kids never come back. It's the dream house they always wanted - low maintenance, single level and room for all their hobbies and play equipment. It's the house that they want to be 'carried out of in a box.'

But then they have some health scares - a heart attack, arthritis, even the big 'C' word. And they realise that they aren't 20 anymore. Picking up a hot saucepan becomes dangerous as their fingers don't have the strength to carry it anymore. Or the porcelain tiled floor is too slippery and they have had one too many falls. There is too many steps between the garage and the house... The garden is out of control because their knees hurt too much to kneel down and weed. All the pleasures of life aren't so pleasurable anymore. And they just can't let their pride get in the way... they need to get some help.

So at some stage, if it's their own decision or a decision made for them, they need to get some assisted help living. They either need to move in with their family members (God forbid, their children's homes!) or into a retirement home style complex where there is 24/7 medical help if needed. It's about 50/50 of the homes that I see that people choose to move out of their 'carry me out in a box' home on their own accord, and the other 50% are made to do it by family members after a slip and a broken hip, a pot of boiling water spilling on them or a trip in the ambulance for something that was life threatening. They are the ones who sob when I come to their homes as the reality has hit them that they have lost their independence forever.

And for all the sniggering that our parents do when they are in the SKI club, thinking they are invincible and don't need their kids, or need to spend time and/or help out their kids when they need it most, there is always a time that they will need to lose their sense of pride and put their hand out for help.  Most would love it if their children had the time, love and energy to look after them and spend their valuable last years with them, but some have burnt their bridges and their children don't want to help shoving them off into a soulless nursing home to wither away. It's so sad. But it also works the other way... I have seen children bend over backwards for their elderly parents only for their parents to be so un-accepting, cruel and ungrateful to their children for just wanting to help and have a bond with their mother or father before losing them completely.

What inspired this blog, was a saying I read on Facebook... "The most dangerous risk of all - the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later." Whatever you can do... DO IT NOW!!! Life will never work out the way you want it to. Life will give you so many more positive surprises than you ever expected if you aren't steadfast on how your life 'should be.' Be prepared to change the vision you have for your life as your circumstances change. Life presents us with challenges to 'change our direction' not keep us where we find ourselves stagnate and safe. Nothing you can do can ever be wrong for you, it's a life lesson - you learn from it and move on, twist your thought patterns and come up with something new and better than what you had your heart set on.

'Till death do us part' happens for a very rare number of people who truly are 'in love with' each other and have no resentments towards each other in life. They are the ones who die only a few days or weeks apart from each other, or in the same tragic accident. They are the ones who remain completely faithful to each other, the ones who help their children raise their grandchildren, the ones who remain youthful in their hearts because they have no animosity with their loved ones. They are the ones who have lived life, enjoyed life and have no regrets. And the only way you can live with no regrets is if you allow yourself the freedom to what you can 'when' you physically have the ability to do so...