Learning to Feel Good About Yourself

It's interesting how our self esteem can be ruined, or even enhanced by what we think of ourselves.

I watched a video today, which I believe is a Dove commercial, where a forensic portrait artist drew pictures of women from how they described themselves, then asked someone else to describe them and how different the pictures came out. The pictures of how the women were describing themselves were sad, plump or withdrawn, lacking spirit, lethargic and worn. Whereas, when someone else described their faces, they were more upbeat - focusing less on the chubbiness or angular faces, talking about small chins rather than 'my mum always said I had a big chin,' the eyes were more alive and the lines were lessened. Essentially, they were feeling and trying to describe the personality behind the face.

So it begs to say, why do we focus on all the negatives in our face? The lines, the sagging skin, the dark circles, the pimples and spots, the hormonal hair, the raised mole? Why can't we accept that all those things make us who we are, and our beauty comes from the inside? I guess that's where make-up comes in. It's designed to cover up all our flaws, so we apply make-up to hide what we don't want other people to see, or what we don't like about ourselves. Make-up tells us to focus on our imperfections by the very nature of applying it. When we apply make-up, we look for all the things that make us unhappy with our physical presence, and we've been taught, through advertising and by just being women, that make-up will make us feel better in ourselves. But isn't it just as true, by plucking away at unwanted hair, applying make-up to sensitive skin or just the lack of sleep we don't give ourselves for the worry of not looking the best we can be, is actually bringing on the pimples, the dark circles and the excessive hair? Maybe we need to start showing our daughters that it's OK to be more 'au naturel' and that make-up is doing more harm that good - both physically to our faces and mentally to our self-esteem...

So it's time to do something for yourself... wake up tomorrow and 'appreciate' who you are. Look for all the things you actually like about yourself. It might be your eye colour, it might be the freckles on your nose, it might be the shape of your lips, your long eye lashes, the way your hair sits, or your cheek bones. Apply 'accent' make-up, not cover-up make-up, and go outside looking fresh, renewed and confident in your own skin. It will do you a world of good, and people will notice the difference.

Here's the link to the Dove ad. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EdOJgRZODM

How do you know you've found your soul mate?

Soul mates have been defined as many things... they can be the person who makes your heart sing and your smile beam every time you think of them, touch them, see them, hear them or simply watch them from across the room. They can be the person who showed you the way out of what you may have felt a hopeless situation and showed you 'the light.' They can be the person who mirrors you in every way possible that it's frightening to see yourself as another human form. They can be a person who's chemistry electrifies your own to the point that you've never felt so alive or comfortable as you are with them. It could also be the person who makes you feel like yourself, and that you don't need to 'try' anymore to impress anyone.... he or she makes you honest in who you are. Or it could be a little piece of them all.

So how do you know you've found your soul mate? But more importantly, how do you know that they feel the same about you? That is the $64,000 question. Some people don't believe in soul mates. Or they do, but believe that there are many 'soul mates' out there for all of us, they are just sometimes too hard to find.

For me, I think the most important attribute in finding your soul mate is that you feel instantly comfortable with them. You have an attraction, not just visually, but also emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and have a similar sense of humour. You can feel all of that within the first five minutes of a conversation, and you want to know more. If it's reciprocal, the conversation, the seduction, the laughter and the witty banter can last for hours and hours with no care in the world about the time. That first conversation, the first interaction can tell a lot about how the relationship will be sustained because it is both of you being raw and honest to each other, revealing all the things that your stand for - including your family life, your work life, your political stance, your religious stance, your likes and dislikes... essentially your world. Of course there are a few hidden secrets that may not be divulged, or if they are, the accent may not be strong as there might be a little unfavourable reception to some concepts you relay in the first conversational interlude, but the most important ones come out and paint a picture of perfection about your new mate.

So what happens if time and circumstance don't allow you to be with your soul mate? Say, for instance, you have competing jobs that keep you away from each other, one is sent to war, your stages in life are different and one party is not prepared to compromise to keep you together or you have family issues that can't bring you together. It doesn't mean you can't give up hope. Look at all those wonderful stories of first loves finding each other years afterwards, sometimes decades afterwards, after they have had their children and sometimes grandchildren, to be together again. They are soul mates, they were meant to be together, if not at one time in their life, but definitely in another time... and their magical soul mate connection found each other again.

A soul mate isn't someone you desperately need in your life, it is someone who is 'supposed' to be in your life. It's never a forced union, it's an underlying yearning to be together bond. It's a bond that despite all the things that go against you, you somehow come back to each other. It's something that, no matter what, you always have happy thoughts for that person. There can be troubles, but the troubles usually have to do with why it's not possible to be together, not because you don't want to be together.

Time and circumstance... can only keep soul mates apart physically, but never apart in the heart... and when the time is right, they will find themselves together forever.

Defining Love to Find Love...

I went to a party on Saturday night, and a few friends who I hadn't seen for a while asked what's going on on the 'love front' with me... if I've found myself a local man, if I still have my internet love, if I'm dating, etc... And it's interesting, because I genuinely felt happy to say I am happy not being constricted to a relationship right now... partly because my boys really need me, partly because I have plenty going on behind the scenes with making my writing dreams come true and partly because I have my own aspirations of where I want to go in life that introducing someone new to all of it, may make those aspirations disappear.

As I've said before, I've had plenty of 'offers', but I'm not even interested in casual sex, going on a date or flirting with anyone, UNLESS I have a genuine attraction to them. Because NOTHING else matters unless someone can make me laugh out loud, make me smile, make me see in their eyes that they have warmth, compassion and sincerity for me and others outside themselves, are genuinely interested in the welfare of my kids (and theirs, if they have any) and that they have a beautiful soul.

There were two sayings that I came across during the week that really stood out to me... 1) Anything worth having is worth fighting for... So if you love someone, or find someone attractive and want to pursue it, make it happen... don't sit in the background waiting for it to happen to you. 2) and when asked why someone loves you, the response is 'because when I met you, my spirit came alive.' Which made me clarify what I've been thinking for a while... being in love isn't about what the other person offers, it's about how you feel when the other person is in your life... how your spirit feels free, confident and wants to tell the world how amazingly happy you are with this person in your life. You feel revivified, rejuvenated and you want the world to feel what you're feeling.

And I will admit, I have only been their twice in my life... my very first boyfriend and my more recent lover... so I know what that feels like, I know what my heart sings to, and at my tender age of 39, I don't need to compromise for anything less. And somehow through the forces of the universe, those two men are still active in my life, and knowing that, it enables my heart to sing, even though I don't have anyone physically for me 'right now.' And that is totally OK.

So when you see a single mum or dad remaining 'single,' don't be sorry for them that they can't share their lives with someone, be happy for them that they have other things in their life that's more important to them, like their kids, their career and their aspirations. For once in their life, they have learnt that their life isn't about compromising, it's about living and feeling alive.

Knowing Your Right From Wrong

As children, we learn the basics about right and wrong... if it hurts other people physically or emotionally, it's wrong. If it's taking something that's not yours, destroying property, being disrespectful, it's wrong. And most kids get it. Some are rule breakers to get attention, others have learning difficulties and take a while to understand the depths of some of the concepts, but most children by a certain age grasp what is right and what is wrong.

So how is it that some adults, who are righteously religious have different rules for right and wrong, depending on if they go by their religious beliefs rather than the moral and lawful beliefs/regulations? That they can say that some of the great men of the Bible, leaders of their time, were great sinners, therefore if they were, it's OK for them to be a great sinner too. Yet, what they don't realise, is that their sins are immoral and unethical in today's society. Is that why politicians and sports stars like Arnold Schwartzenegger, Bill Clinton & Tiger Woods will tell the world they were wrong about their affairs to show they have an inch of remorse, yet in reality they are showing no respect for the women they were involved with, no respect for their wives, and certainly no respect for the moral standing voters/fans who support them on the grounds that they are solid upstanding citizens that they want to 'lead' them in their field. The stupid thing is, they have broken their religious rule by having the affair - the wrong - and believe that if they repent, they will be forgiven by all for their 'slip up.' It's only a 'slip up' if it happens once, not over and over again, yet they still beg to be forgiven. Why should they be forgiven if they keep making the same mistake again? Why should their wives take them back? They go against the laws of their marriage, and they go against the laws of their country by becoming bigamists. Yet, they don't get punished, besides a little bit of media that might upset their campaigning for a month or so, but then it all becomes yesterday's news. Unless their wives are morally strong enough to tell them to 'f*** off.' That is the ONLY way they will learn... but then again, some love the adrenalin rush of the naughtiness of the affair.

So this begs the question, are the wives encouraging their husbands to cheat on them? The fact that they keep going back, brushing the affairs under the mat essentially gives their husbands the 'green light' to keep going, makes it possibly so... either because of their religious 'forgiveness' or because they just want to be a 'kept' woman.  I was watching an episode of 'House Husbands' (great Aussie drama!) tonight, and one of the main character's mothers was one of those wives. She told their daughter that her father had had a one off fling, but when she confronted him about it, she discovered it was a 40 year affair, and it was only after the other woman's husband died, they decided that they wanted to be together for good, and stop sneaking around. When the daughter confronted the mother about it, she said she knew about it the entire time, but decided to stay around to try and win him back, but never succeeded. How sad is it for a woman to feel so dependent on a man, that she would live with her husband's infidelities for 40 years? Is it a power trip or is it the fear of God in them, that if they fail in their marriage, they will be sent to hell?

That's my moral dilemma... how can you a live a life on Earth, a life that constantly breaks your heart because you know that your husband is cheating on you, or it could be your wife cheating on you, feeling miserable about the whole thing, creating an emotional 'hell' inside you and putting up with it, because you have been taught in your Christian values that if you divorce, don't believe in God or that God will help your spouse so you must stand by them, you will be sent to hell, rather than live an eternal life in Heaven? Especially when it is 'faith' nor reality telling them that there is actually the possibility of an eternal life in Heaven... What happens when there isn't? They die and end up in the ground in a box with no afterlife... What did they waste 'this' life for? Why put yourself through all that torture for the remaining years of your life, not knowing when they will cheat on you again, or knowing that they are continuing to do it, while you sit in your little corner at home tending to the home duties or the children, knowing that there is someone more respectful and more loveable just around the corner who will cherish you for who YOU are?

It's incredible to think that spouses know that their husband or wife is a serial cheater and they stick by them. They must have so little self-respect if they do... I'm sorry if you are struggling with this issue in your life right now, but you need to know that you deserve better than to be betrayed, disrespected and lied to by the person you placed the most amount of trust into. Trust never comes back, unless they learn the valuable lesson of what is right and what is wrong in today's culture, not in a book that was written over 2000 years ago.

A 6 hour drive to have a 'bath!'

One thing we all really miss at our current home is a bath. We have a lovely big shower, but there is nothing better than being able to immerse naked yourself in water in the privacy of your own home and read a book, contemplate the worries of the world or just simply indulge in some candlelight, bath oils and the sultry tones of Sade.

So today, even though we couldn't get the 'privacy' factor down, we did indulge some warm wet time at the Hepburn Springs Bathhouse and Spa. Hepburn Springs is just outside of Daylesford in the heart of Australia's 'spa country', about a 2 hour drive west of Melbourne, and the bathhouse is considered a piece of Victoria's gold-rush history (however, it didn't look decidedly contemporary to be a piece of history!)

Luckily for us, it was quiet. There were three couples, two old ladies, an elderly man and two small families, and then there was 'us!' As the water came from the nearby springs, the water was very effervescent, beautifully warm and very relaxing. The view from the side of the 'bath' was magical with all the autumn colours in the trees and the tranquility of nature. The boys were on their best behaviour, as I told them that they couldn't splash - it wasn't a pool, but an oversized bath, so we had to respect the other people who had spent $39 (yes, $39!) for a peaceful dip in the communal bath.

After about an hour and a half of getting pruny fingers and my youngest telling me his tummy was rumbling, we decided to get out, enjoy the shower with all it's yummy locally made shampoos and body washes, and feast on a devonshire tea at the Pavillon Cafe (built in 1908 in typical Edwardian character with a tessellated tiled dance floor, leadlight windows, wood stove and hexagonal floorplan.

We then enjoyed the beautiful autumn sun and walked around the grounds. It was very English with it's bluestone bridge, gaslights and period charm. The boys found a playground, and I found a dirt track that was asking me to walk up it and see what was over the hill... it looked so peaceful, yet so final, so I didn't, in case it was :)

The soft northerly-wind created an autumn shower of yellow leaves falling in the park, which was so pretty, but so hard to take a photo of. :( It was so peaceful, so calming and is definitely invigorating my soul, giving me some new ideas for my next expensive adventure!

As it was the official last day of the school holidays, it was a nice little morning getaway to spend with the boys.

Finding the Right Mate

When I got divorced, my Mum told me some of the tricks some of her 'divorced' friends used to do to ensure they didn't get 'hit' on by the wrong men. They would wear their old wedding rings, talk about non-existent boyfriends in case someone was listening to their conversation at a bar, anything to keep them away. I'm too honest to pull off something like that, but I understand where they come from. The unsolicited attention you get as a single women from men you aren't attracted to, married men who just want to flirt but are too gutless to take it to the next step and leave their wife, married men who consume your time with text messages thinking you want to see pictures of their penis because 'you apparently ain't getting any,' and men who think that you need a bodyguard from all the other 'men' who are just like them!

So when you do find the right one, the one who makes your heart beat a little faster, the one you want to get to know a little more, why is it that the timing isn't right for them? You can understand why it is so hard to find love post-40s... most are still having troubles with their ex-partners and don't want to get another person involved, some are struggling with raising their children, some are having a mid-life crisis and it's all about 'them' and what they missed out on being when they were attached, some are still in love with their ex-partner to move on, and some are just 'not that into you.'

So what do you do? Put your heart on the line only for it to constantly get broken, or do you just give up on 'love' secretly wishing that Mr Perfect will just fall at your feet any day now? Who knows, but coming off the back of yesterday's blog, I guess we should all never give up.

But is it ironic, that for the number of men you reject for the numerous reasons, primarily because you are just not attracted to them (you really need to have some attraction before you can take it any further), you conversely have the same number of men reject you? Or just does it seem that way because we are so picky, especially as single mothers, because we all want someone who is not only perfect for you, but also perfect for your kids. It's such a vicious circle, making it feel almost impossible to make happen, especially as you don't want to make the same mistakes as you did with your children's father (after all, you did split because you weren't working). You do become more analytical and more sensitive to the smallest annoying attributes, that you right off almost anyone. No one will ever be good enough to enter your tightly-connected single parent family. But somehow, you do have to let go, so you can let love in.

It's hard, no doubt. But somehow, one day, when the timing is perfect, love will come when it's least expected.

Giving Up...

I consider myself extremely lucky with my kids. Both my boys are bright, happy (most of the time), funny and they are the best of friends. My oldest son has aspirations in creating electronic games, or being a graphics designer, a scientist or an inventor, whereas my younger son is keen on being a cartoonist, as he loves to draw. They could easily collaborate and create characters for an electronic game and make their squillions. But, they have their difficulties... my older son lost the love for reading in Grade 2 when he had a horrible teacher who just didn't extend him or encourage him and now he struggles to find something that interests him (however I did introduce him to some short travel stories and he found them more interesting than pre-teen fantasy novels). And my younger son, has learning difficulties, in the spectrum of dyslexia, an auditory processing disorder, visual processing disorder and speech difficulties. I do absolutely everything in my power to make sure they don't fall behind... they see a tutor once a week for 3 hours each, I assign them reading tasks with pocket money incentives to finish a novel and write a 300 word written review on it for my older son, and reading tasks for my younger son and for him to give me an oral review of what he's read. My oldest son tells me that I'm pushing him, however he has an important entrance exam for high school in a month's time, and if he wants to get into that school, he needs to make the effort. Do I push him until he resents me, or do I push him until he gets into the school? Such a fine line about what to do. But still, I consider myself lucky.

I have some friends with teenage kids who have just gone off the rails. Under-age sex, breaking the law, drugs, getting tattoos and losing their place in reality. I had a chat with one friend this evening who just told his 15 year old son not to worry about what other people are doing and just chase your dreams. Whereas, I had another chat with another friend who's daughter hasn't turned up to school in almost a month and has no idea what to do. At what point do we 'give up' on our kids and allow them to make all the decisions that create their lives?

It's a hard one, as it all depends on how rebellious your children are. I still feel like I'm under the thumb with my parents, and still do whatever they say if I'm in their house. And as much as it sounds like a broken record, the main saying to say to teenagers is 'My house, my rules. You want me to pay for your education, entertainment and clothes and know you have a bed to sleep in each night, then you do what I say.' But I know, it's so much easier to say than done with many kids. My friend who's daughter hasn't turned up to school has only had one night at home in the past week... the rest at her boyfriend's house, so she would think that 'that' rule doesn't apply to her, as she's never home (but she still expects her transport to be paid for).

However I watched an episode of 'The Voice' tonight, and Seal asked a singer if she had a back-up plan if singing didn't work out for her. She said she would never give up, she will fight for the next gig, opportunity or solo shower performance, as singing is her life, and she wouldn't be herself without it. And that's how we should see our kids... we would be lost without them, and we should never give up on them, even if they start giving up on themselves. We need to push them so they can see that they can be better, nurture the talents and dreams they want to achieve and be there for them as a parent and love them unconditionally, no matter what strife they are in. We need to give them purpose, praise and always be proud of them.