I had an interesting day today that culminated into feeling good about myself, after feeling quite rock bottom.
Over the last few weeks, I've dreaded the 'not knowing' about a certain situation. Something that could affect my life for the next ten or more years as my children grow up and fly the coop. It scares me, no doubt, but I came to the realisation that all things happen for a reason and I have to make the most of whatever bad there will be and turn it into good.
My lover said to me yesterday that I have a whole lot of good in my life and I should focus on that. Yesterday I couldn't see it. Today I can. I spoke to a motley crew of people today from the parking inspector, the school-crossing supervisor, a real estate agent I work with, a dear lady selling the family home of 82 years and one of my closest and dearest friends who popped into my life 18 or so months ago and has been a saviour in many ways.
The parking inspector, who has seen me around the traps as he finds cars to book and I comb the same streets to write up houses and pick up kids from school, etc, he said to me today that I look the happiest I've been for a while. The school-crossing supervisor told me that he's lonely, recently cashed in his retirement fund, has sold an investment property, has a holiday home and his own home and totalled up his net-worth at around $2 million, but has no one to leave it to except the Lost Dogs Home... he's telling a complete stranger his life story in an instant and it made me think, do I really have that kind of face that people just want to open up to me? My real estate agent, who talks a million miles an hour told me about her demented mum and how funny she is in what she forgets and how non-chalant she is about it after I told her about the anguish of my 'not-knowing scenario.' The little old lady was sprightly in herself, but saddened that she had to sell the home that her husband's uncle built. We talked a little about death and she told me that her father died earlier this year at the age of 98 and that all her friends were jealous that she still had her Dad around for such a long time. As I departed, she told me that he hasn't left her, he's still around almost like she felt his spirit surrounding her. Her words were mystical and made me stop... And then my dear friend, asked me if I felt comfortable in my own skin. It took me a while to answer it because I thought about how I dress, how I run around the house half naked (and sometimes naked), how I get annoyed about the excess fat bulges around my body but at the same time think it's part of being a mum and I even had a small flashback to when my lover told me a few weeks back that he actually loves my 'muffin top' which actually made me feel more sexy, so I said "Yes - I do feel comfortable in my own skin." He looked at me, and said "There, in that particular moment when you answered that question is how you should always remember who you are." He could see the spark come back to me, the smile come over my face and the passion behind who I am. A truly enlightening moment.
So the negativity is gone, the smile is back on my face, I'm feeling the love and recognising my own abilities in ways that I could never see in myself. Sometimes it's just the culmination of many people, angels if you will, to show you that you are more than you are. And then it's the work of a dear friend who brings it all together in a statement or question that rings true to you, and wakes you up from the bad dream.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Monday, 29 August 2011
How love can come together unexpectedly, but just as easily drift apart
How can you hold onto resentments when someone's health isn't at its best, when someone's lost a loved one or when human tragedy has touched someone? It's hard, and when it happens all at once, you start looking outside your own picture.
My lover is in terrible pain with an abscess in his tooth, claiming that it's the second worst pain he's ever experienced. It's hard for him to eat, hard for him to lie down and painkillers give him mild relief, but nothing so much as to take away the pain completely. I worry so much about him being so far away and not being able to help him. He tried to see an endodonist to get it checked out, they called him in too late for him to make the 3 hour drive in time, so he has to wait another 24 hours.
In the meanwhile, he is at home with his wife for the first time in over a week, and she has a bad knee plus is the primary carer for her dying mother in their home. They are afraid the mother won't make it through to the weekend, a long weekend where most their family and some friends will be coming over for a few days. Even though I usually resent the wife for just being 'the wife', I do actually feel sorry for her at this time. She has a lot on her plate emotionally to deal with, and I'm sure the physical pain isn't helping either.
Before I knew about the state of the mother-in-law, I told my lover that I would be on the next plane to see him to look after him - be his chauffeur while he's on a cocktail of medication, massage out his bodily aches, prepare meals for him that are easy to eat and jokingly suggested that this weekend would be a good time to introduce me as his 'lover' to his family. Even though I explained that it was a joke about the family introduction, but not a joke that I would look after him if I didn't have legal issues to deal with, he told me that he's dreamed of the day that he could actually introduce me to everyone, because I mean so much to him. It touched my heart that the thought has crossed his mind. I told him that there will be a day that it will happen, but it won't happen this weekend, it's not fair on his wife...
So even though he is in physical pain with his tooth and the emotional pain associated with the verge of losing a family member and needing to be strong to console his wife when she needs him most, he still has time to dedicate his love for me and show me that I have a very special place in his heart, at a time for me where I'm on a path to uncertainty with my own financial and legal situation through a bitter divorce.
It's funny though, but I seem to have more compassion for his family and their situations that I do my own family. My parents are people who tend to hide their illnesses and physical incompetencies because they are essentially too proud to tell people, don't want to be fussed about and despise others who sound woeful about their aches and pains. My boys have their school concert this week and my parents agreed to come and my older sister said she will take them for reasons unknown to me. But today, my sister has reneged on the concert because she has been given a better offer to do something she's always dreamed of doing, and asked me to take care of my Dad. My Dad has emphysema (never smoked a day in his life), and struggles to walk any lengths, especially at night in the cold air, so essentially needs to be picked up and dropped off outside the concert hall door, rather than walk through the carpark. It surprised me when she told me, as I didn't think it was that bad, because neither Mum nor Dad have told me. So am I less compassionate because I haven't been told by the source? I don't know, but there just seems to be a lot of information that my family are afraid to reveal to me, making me feel less like I'm part of the family. I appreciate that my parents are making the effort to come to my boys' concert, I just don't understand why they are so secretive about their weaknesses, especially when they reveal it to others.
That's what love does... for my lover, it brings us closer together in unexpected and most profound ways, and my family it makes me question my role in it.
My lover is in terrible pain with an abscess in his tooth, claiming that it's the second worst pain he's ever experienced. It's hard for him to eat, hard for him to lie down and painkillers give him mild relief, but nothing so much as to take away the pain completely. I worry so much about him being so far away and not being able to help him. He tried to see an endodonist to get it checked out, they called him in too late for him to make the 3 hour drive in time, so he has to wait another 24 hours.
In the meanwhile, he is at home with his wife for the first time in over a week, and she has a bad knee plus is the primary carer for her dying mother in their home. They are afraid the mother won't make it through to the weekend, a long weekend where most their family and some friends will be coming over for a few days. Even though I usually resent the wife for just being 'the wife', I do actually feel sorry for her at this time. She has a lot on her plate emotionally to deal with, and I'm sure the physical pain isn't helping either.
Before I knew about the state of the mother-in-law, I told my lover that I would be on the next plane to see him to look after him - be his chauffeur while he's on a cocktail of medication, massage out his bodily aches, prepare meals for him that are easy to eat and jokingly suggested that this weekend would be a good time to introduce me as his 'lover' to his family. Even though I explained that it was a joke about the family introduction, but not a joke that I would look after him if I didn't have legal issues to deal with, he told me that he's dreamed of the day that he could actually introduce me to everyone, because I mean so much to him. It touched my heart that the thought has crossed his mind. I told him that there will be a day that it will happen, but it won't happen this weekend, it's not fair on his wife...
So even though he is in physical pain with his tooth and the emotional pain associated with the verge of losing a family member and needing to be strong to console his wife when she needs him most, he still has time to dedicate his love for me and show me that I have a very special place in his heart, at a time for me where I'm on a path to uncertainty with my own financial and legal situation through a bitter divorce.
It's funny though, but I seem to have more compassion for his family and their situations that I do my own family. My parents are people who tend to hide their illnesses and physical incompetencies because they are essentially too proud to tell people, don't want to be fussed about and despise others who sound woeful about their aches and pains. My boys have their school concert this week and my parents agreed to come and my older sister said she will take them for reasons unknown to me. But today, my sister has reneged on the concert because she has been given a better offer to do something she's always dreamed of doing, and asked me to take care of my Dad. My Dad has emphysema (never smoked a day in his life), and struggles to walk any lengths, especially at night in the cold air, so essentially needs to be picked up and dropped off outside the concert hall door, rather than walk through the carpark. It surprised me when she told me, as I didn't think it was that bad, because neither Mum nor Dad have told me. So am I less compassionate because I haven't been told by the source? I don't know, but there just seems to be a lot of information that my family are afraid to reveal to me, making me feel less like I'm part of the family. I appreciate that my parents are making the effort to come to my boys' concert, I just don't understand why they are so secretive about their weaknesses, especially when they reveal it to others.
That's what love does... for my lover, it brings us closer together in unexpected and most profound ways, and my family it makes me question my role in it.
Father's Day
For single mums, it's a day we all dread. It's a day that creates conflict for your children, so it's a day that you'd rather didn't exist. But commercialism with television advertisements, catalogues and even in schools makes it hard to avoid.
In Australia, Father's Day is this Sunday. It just also happens to be the one day in the month that my ex sees my boys for seven hours. I wrote their father an email a couple of weeks ago suggesting that if he wants his boys to buy him something at the Fathers Day Stall at school, then he'd better give them some money. I told him the date and what they normally spend. The Father's Day stall is tomorrow, it's now 10.30pm the night before, and he has given them nothing. So I've given the boys $10 each to buy whatever they want for themselves.
I had a Facebook debate about this with a few friends a couple of weeks back with most suggesting it's for the boys to care about their father, not about the money and who gives it to them. It was interesting the sides that were forming and who were saying what. The abandoned daughter who calls her biological father a 'sperm donor' and her step-father her real father told me to stick to my guns as my boys' father rarely sees them, rarely calls them and doesn't want to take any responsibility for them. Whereas, those who are the single mums with relatively amicable relationships with their children's father say I should teach the boys to be giving to their father, even if he isn't giving to them. I know my attitude towards their father doesn't help, but my boys understand who is there for them and who isn't, and they have formed that opinion in their own accord, as my friend did with her 'sperm donor' father.
They don't care because he has hurt them, and they are at the age where they prefer to buy a present for themselves anyway. They just want to participate and not miss out on what their friends are doing. They usually come home with torches, tackle boxes to put their lego in, a mug with chocolate in it, even a Swiss army alley key set. When they buy for me in the Mothers Day stall, they tell me the thought that they have put into purchasing the gift for me, knowing my favourite scents, flavours and colours, why something would be useful for me, etc. So I know that they are giving thoughtful children, and not always thinking about themselves.
So besides it being the Fathers Day Stall tomorrow, it is also my baby boy's 8th birthday. It will be interesting to see if their father makes an appearance to give the boys money or wish his son a Happy Birthday. I'll let you all know tomorrow :)
In Australia, Father's Day is this Sunday. It just also happens to be the one day in the month that my ex sees my boys for seven hours. I wrote their father an email a couple of weeks ago suggesting that if he wants his boys to buy him something at the Fathers Day Stall at school, then he'd better give them some money. I told him the date and what they normally spend. The Father's Day stall is tomorrow, it's now 10.30pm the night before, and he has given them nothing. So I've given the boys $10 each to buy whatever they want for themselves.
I had a Facebook debate about this with a few friends a couple of weeks back with most suggesting it's for the boys to care about their father, not about the money and who gives it to them. It was interesting the sides that were forming and who were saying what. The abandoned daughter who calls her biological father a 'sperm donor' and her step-father her real father told me to stick to my guns as my boys' father rarely sees them, rarely calls them and doesn't want to take any responsibility for them. Whereas, those who are the single mums with relatively amicable relationships with their children's father say I should teach the boys to be giving to their father, even if he isn't giving to them. I know my attitude towards their father doesn't help, but my boys understand who is there for them and who isn't, and they have formed that opinion in their own accord, as my friend did with her 'sperm donor' father.
They don't care because he has hurt them, and they are at the age where they prefer to buy a present for themselves anyway. They just want to participate and not miss out on what their friends are doing. They usually come home with torches, tackle boxes to put their lego in, a mug with chocolate in it, even a Swiss army alley key set. When they buy for me in the Mothers Day stall, they tell me the thought that they have put into purchasing the gift for me, knowing my favourite scents, flavours and colours, why something would be useful for me, etc. So I know that they are giving thoughtful children, and not always thinking about themselves.
So besides it being the Fathers Day Stall tomorrow, it is also my baby boy's 8th birthday. It will be interesting to see if their father makes an appearance to give the boys money or wish his son a Happy Birthday. I'll let you all know tomorrow :)
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Conversations with Mums
I'm sure we all have our stories to tell about what help we get, what help we don't get, what we want, what we need, who we trust, who we don't... it's all about the cycle of life. And some how we feel envious of what others have, and terribly sorry for what some can go through. So here are just a few dilemmas some have told me that they are going through at the moment...
Friend number one, had her children later in life and in someways is very protective of her children, but in other ways, very liberating with her children allowing them to spend days on end at the beach, ride their bike at the age of 3. etc. She is very strict on routine, especially bed time and going to bed late is something she will not tolerate for her kids. Her latest dilemma is that her and her husband's parents are getting old and can't look after her children when she wants to go out. Her husband's father is approaching his 90s, his mother only 75, but their health is getting overwhelming for them to look after her children. Whereas her own mother is enjoying life and her social life dominates her time, therefore the hours available for babysitting, especially at night, are becoming limited, even though she lives just around the corner. For the almost eight years of motherhood she has gone through, she's never had to pay for a babysitter, never had her children stay at someone's house, never paid for childcare and her children have only gone to scheduled kindergarten and school sessions with the occasional playgroup or extra-curricular activity. She has rarely had them out of her own care and never relied on anyone else but family. But she needs to take the plunge... and do some letting go because she is physically exhausted being 24/7 mum in her mid 40s.
Friend Number Two has recently moved over to Australia from the United States where she had her mum at her beckon call. Her mum would look after her children at least once a week so she could be an 'adult' - have golf nights, have date night with her husband, have a weekend away - just have fun. Since arriving here about 9 months ago, her mum has been over here twice and her sister with her family once, and they plan to go back for a month in December. But while she's here, she has no family to rely on and has been lucky to have found a babysitter in her street that charges $7 an hour and is available most nights. But she's not used to having her children around her all the time (except when they are at school) and as she isn't involved in any social groups here, she doesn't have her regular golf nights and is desperate just to have a weekend away while her husband takes care of the kids.
Both friend Number One and friend Number Two seem to have a high disposable income to rely on, as they are both still married to husbands with well-paid jobs.
Friend Number Three is possibly the most tragic. She recently met up with her first boyfriend, the man who always had her heart. It was friendship to start with, while she was married, but somehow their feelings for each other were always there and they started something. Her marriage ended amicably and they are still financially together, however she moved out, her husband sees her boys regularly and she now enjoys a life with her long-lost-love. However, her parents are disgusted by her actions and refuse to help her in any way, taking the side of her ex-husband. They invite him over for dinner when they know he's lonely, they look after the boys on his shift, but never hers. She thought she would have her parents support through all of this, especially when they knew that her first boyfriend was always her greatest love. She's had to go back to work and is studying. She has no help, except for when her husband takes her boys twice a week... at least she has that.
My story is a combination of them all. My parents live 40 kilometres away and have an active social life, almost like it's to spite their four daughters as they will constantly admit that they have raised their children, implying that they don't want to be raising grandchildren. Occasionally they will have my boys over in school holidays for a couple of nights, but it was only my most recent trip overseas that they agreed to take care of them for the two weekends I had away, while school friends took them in the school week. My ex-husband only has them 7 hours a month, with no overnight stays as he has a small one bedroom flat with no space for them. His parents are even more self-absorbed than my parents and neither my ex husband nor I trust his mother, so that's a closed book. I've always had to pay for babysitters, but it adds another expense to a cheap night out, so it's rare. So, unless I take off for a week or two to further my writing career, I have my kids 24/7, 99% of the month and he pays me only $270 a month for child support, so I have to provide the rest. I am lucky that I have raised them to look after themselves if I need to go out for a couple of hours, and they are content being in the house by themselves with a stocked-up pantry, the TV and their Nintendo DSs, but nights make it hard and there is no way I could do an overnighter. It reduces the opportunity for me to have an at-home love life, a social life - a life outside work and home. If I do have a 'social life' it's generally inviting friends over for dinner, so the boys can do their thing, as I entertain in the kitchen or outside. So now you can understand why I have my internet lover, and he keeps me happy with adult conversation that takes me away from being a mum and a provider.
I'd love to hear anyone else's stories of how you cope, what parental freedoms you have, what makes life hard, etc. We all have different stories to tell, sometimes it's best to put it out in the open than bottling it up...
Friend number one, had her children later in life and in someways is very protective of her children, but in other ways, very liberating with her children allowing them to spend days on end at the beach, ride their bike at the age of 3. etc. She is very strict on routine, especially bed time and going to bed late is something she will not tolerate for her kids. Her latest dilemma is that her and her husband's parents are getting old and can't look after her children when she wants to go out. Her husband's father is approaching his 90s, his mother only 75, but their health is getting overwhelming for them to look after her children. Whereas her own mother is enjoying life and her social life dominates her time, therefore the hours available for babysitting, especially at night, are becoming limited, even though she lives just around the corner. For the almost eight years of motherhood she has gone through, she's never had to pay for a babysitter, never had her children stay at someone's house, never paid for childcare and her children have only gone to scheduled kindergarten and school sessions with the occasional playgroup or extra-curricular activity. She has rarely had them out of her own care and never relied on anyone else but family. But she needs to take the plunge... and do some letting go because she is physically exhausted being 24/7 mum in her mid 40s.
Friend Number Two has recently moved over to Australia from the United States where she had her mum at her beckon call. Her mum would look after her children at least once a week so she could be an 'adult' - have golf nights, have date night with her husband, have a weekend away - just have fun. Since arriving here about 9 months ago, her mum has been over here twice and her sister with her family once, and they plan to go back for a month in December. But while she's here, she has no family to rely on and has been lucky to have found a babysitter in her street that charges $7 an hour and is available most nights. But she's not used to having her children around her all the time (except when they are at school) and as she isn't involved in any social groups here, she doesn't have her regular golf nights and is desperate just to have a weekend away while her husband takes care of the kids.
Both friend Number One and friend Number Two seem to have a high disposable income to rely on, as they are both still married to husbands with well-paid jobs.
Friend Number Three is possibly the most tragic. She recently met up with her first boyfriend, the man who always had her heart. It was friendship to start with, while she was married, but somehow their feelings for each other were always there and they started something. Her marriage ended amicably and they are still financially together, however she moved out, her husband sees her boys regularly and she now enjoys a life with her long-lost-love. However, her parents are disgusted by her actions and refuse to help her in any way, taking the side of her ex-husband. They invite him over for dinner when they know he's lonely, they look after the boys on his shift, but never hers. She thought she would have her parents support through all of this, especially when they knew that her first boyfriend was always her greatest love. She's had to go back to work and is studying. She has no help, except for when her husband takes her boys twice a week... at least she has that.
My story is a combination of them all. My parents live 40 kilometres away and have an active social life, almost like it's to spite their four daughters as they will constantly admit that they have raised their children, implying that they don't want to be raising grandchildren. Occasionally they will have my boys over in school holidays for a couple of nights, but it was only my most recent trip overseas that they agreed to take care of them for the two weekends I had away, while school friends took them in the school week. My ex-husband only has them 7 hours a month, with no overnight stays as he has a small one bedroom flat with no space for them. His parents are even more self-absorbed than my parents and neither my ex husband nor I trust his mother, so that's a closed book. I've always had to pay for babysitters, but it adds another expense to a cheap night out, so it's rare. So, unless I take off for a week or two to further my writing career, I have my kids 24/7, 99% of the month and he pays me only $270 a month for child support, so I have to provide the rest. I am lucky that I have raised them to look after themselves if I need to go out for a couple of hours, and they are content being in the house by themselves with a stocked-up pantry, the TV and their Nintendo DSs, but nights make it hard and there is no way I could do an overnighter. It reduces the opportunity for me to have an at-home love life, a social life - a life outside work and home. If I do have a 'social life' it's generally inviting friends over for dinner, so the boys can do their thing, as I entertain in the kitchen or outside. So now you can understand why I have my internet lover, and he keeps me happy with adult conversation that takes me away from being a mum and a provider.
I'd love to hear anyone else's stories of how you cope, what parental freedoms you have, what makes life hard, etc. We all have different stories to tell, sometimes it's best to put it out in the open than bottling it up...
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Single Mum loneliness...
As a single mum, you are everything - the financier, the financial controller, the home-help, the carer, the domestic whizz, the homework-helper, the taxi-driver, the decision-maker everything that your kids need and want you for. So there is no time for playgroups, helping at school functions or any type of social life of some sort. And when you try to make time, have a spare couple of hours just to be you, trying to find a friend to go to the movies with, have a cuppa with, whatever it is just to feel normal again, no one is there for you, because you've never created a bond with anyone that's strong enough for them to recognise that you just need some time out.
So you go home wondering if you should just go to the movie by yourself for the third time in 12 months, or just forget it. I thought I was developing a network of good friends, but they seem to happy to help me out with with my kids - dropping them off at school early in the morning if I have appointments, but when it comes to me, someone looking after me and giving me a break to feel normal, I have no one...
People have suggested to me over time, that they must get my boys and I over for dinner one night, or we should come down to their holiday house one day, etc. But its all hypothetical opportunities that never happen. As a single mum, you don't get invited around to other people's houses because their husbands have no one to talk to. So again, you're left out.
I have one dear friend who has always been there, through all her troubles, she is the only one who invites me to parties or out for a girls night, because she has been a single mum for a short time, but now she has a husband and two step-children plus her own two kids, but she knows. It's really hard to find someone who knows what it's like to crave an adult conversation without having your kids screaming around your legs, or just get a reassuring hug.
That's why my lover has been so wonderful, but he is thousands of miles away, and even he sometimes rejects me because he has family commitments he has to deal with. And he can't give me a hug.
So for all you single mums out there who struggle to just be 'you', I'm really feeling for You today... and just think, You're not alone...
So you go home wondering if you should just go to the movie by yourself for the third time in 12 months, or just forget it. I thought I was developing a network of good friends, but they seem to happy to help me out with with my kids - dropping them off at school early in the morning if I have appointments, but when it comes to me, someone looking after me and giving me a break to feel normal, I have no one...
People have suggested to me over time, that they must get my boys and I over for dinner one night, or we should come down to their holiday house one day, etc. But its all hypothetical opportunities that never happen. As a single mum, you don't get invited around to other people's houses because their husbands have no one to talk to. So again, you're left out.
I have one dear friend who has always been there, through all her troubles, she is the only one who invites me to parties or out for a girls night, because she has been a single mum for a short time, but now she has a husband and two step-children plus her own two kids, but she knows. It's really hard to find someone who knows what it's like to crave an adult conversation without having your kids screaming around your legs, or just get a reassuring hug.
That's why my lover has been so wonderful, but he is thousands of miles away, and even he sometimes rejects me because he has family commitments he has to deal with. And he can't give me a hug.
So for all you single mums out there who struggle to just be 'you', I'm really feeling for You today... and just think, You're not alone...
Being happy for others.
I've had two incidences today that I'm left bittersweet about and another which will hopefully be the end to a friend's troubles.
The first one is that my lover has been given the opportunity to work full time instead of doing agency work. His agency work generally meant that he was away from home 15-18 days a month, meaning that we were able to spend that time together without limitations except for our work hours. Working full time will reduce that to 12 days a month, he'll stay in a share house rather than a hotel (so unsure if he'll have internet access for us to communicate) and if I ever go to see him, I won't be able to stay with him if he lives with work colleagues. He gets a fabulous pay deal and unbelievable benefits which is great for him, but I can't see this being great for 'us.' I'm happy for him. I know that there are possibly fabulous positives for us, as we are both writing books, so we could escape and do writing retreats every now and again without work interfering with our time together as it has in the past, he'll still make time for me when he's with his kids and traveling for his voluntary work, but at the moment I can't see it. I guess I'm not used to change. I know when he changed jobs last year, I was apprehensive and it turned out OK, but he now has less places to escape, meaning he has more time to be with his wife (oh, now you all know!!!).
The second incident was with my sister. She has a 13.5 year old son and a 7 month old and announced today that she's officially having identical twins in 6 months. I'm happy for her too, but I just couldn't do it. I know it's her life, and I think we are all guilty of thinking about how someone's situation would affect our life if we were put in their situation, but for me, I'm happy that I had my two boys 2 years apart, as I'm looking forward to them growing up together, being friends as they are and moving forward in their milestones together. But that's what I want. It may not be what she wants.
In all of this, I'm afraid but yes I am guilty of judgment. Judgment that I despise in others about my life and I try so hard not to be critical of others and how they live their lives. But I've really lost that war this week, in many ways, and I'm sorry to those who that has affected. Hence the reason why I'm recognising this downfall in my own personality and wanting to be above it, turn a new page and just be happy for everyone who have achieved a milestone and stop thinking how it will affect me.
As for my friend who's troubles are looking to the light for some closure, hers is now a very public affair getting newspaper and television exposure. She is in a beautiful relationship with her new husband, three children from a previous marriage and a baby on the way, while her ex-husband has caused unfathomable damage to their way of life and she now has a chance to retaliate.
I guess in the end, everything happens for a reason and it's what the universe plans for us to make us stronger, wiser and more humble. In the end, I love all these people for who they are and what they want, I just have to be there to support them in their dreams, as I know they do me...
The first one is that my lover has been given the opportunity to work full time instead of doing agency work. His agency work generally meant that he was away from home 15-18 days a month, meaning that we were able to spend that time together without limitations except for our work hours. Working full time will reduce that to 12 days a month, he'll stay in a share house rather than a hotel (so unsure if he'll have internet access for us to communicate) and if I ever go to see him, I won't be able to stay with him if he lives with work colleagues. He gets a fabulous pay deal and unbelievable benefits which is great for him, but I can't see this being great for 'us.' I'm happy for him. I know that there are possibly fabulous positives for us, as we are both writing books, so we could escape and do writing retreats every now and again without work interfering with our time together as it has in the past, he'll still make time for me when he's with his kids and traveling for his voluntary work, but at the moment I can't see it. I guess I'm not used to change. I know when he changed jobs last year, I was apprehensive and it turned out OK, but he now has less places to escape, meaning he has more time to be with his wife (oh, now you all know!!!).
The second incident was with my sister. She has a 13.5 year old son and a 7 month old and announced today that she's officially having identical twins in 6 months. I'm happy for her too, but I just couldn't do it. I know it's her life, and I think we are all guilty of thinking about how someone's situation would affect our life if we were put in their situation, but for me, I'm happy that I had my two boys 2 years apart, as I'm looking forward to them growing up together, being friends as they are and moving forward in their milestones together. But that's what I want. It may not be what she wants.
In all of this, I'm afraid but yes I am guilty of judgment. Judgment that I despise in others about my life and I try so hard not to be critical of others and how they live their lives. But I've really lost that war this week, in many ways, and I'm sorry to those who that has affected. Hence the reason why I'm recognising this downfall in my own personality and wanting to be above it, turn a new page and just be happy for everyone who have achieved a milestone and stop thinking how it will affect me.
As for my friend who's troubles are looking to the light for some closure, hers is now a very public affair getting newspaper and television exposure. She is in a beautiful relationship with her new husband, three children from a previous marriage and a baby on the way, while her ex-husband has caused unfathomable damage to their way of life and she now has a chance to retaliate.
I guess in the end, everything happens for a reason and it's what the universe plans for us to make us stronger, wiser and more humble. In the end, I love all these people for who they are and what they want, I just have to be there to support them in their dreams, as I know they do me...
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
Who are we dressing up for?
I was listening to the radio this morning and there was a debate going about what's more attractive - a woman in a stylish dress with the full make up, manicure, designer shoes and accessories, or a woman in a comfortable T-shirt, jeans and basic to no make-up. The overall majority of men calling in liked the T-shirt and jeans option.
So why do we do it? Why get dressed up, when more often than not, you will pick up someone genuine who sees you in your lazy Sunday afternoon wares pushing the trolley though the supermarket?
Do we do it for ourselves because we feel more confident when we have put the effort into our outward appearance, or does the glamour give us a fake confidence that is obvious to any potential beau? Ok, so there are reasons to get dressed up, no doubt - a gala event, charity ball, a day at the races, going to a nightclub and even on a romantic night out. But really, for someone to get to know you properly, won't they want to see you in your natural environment doing what you naturally love - fish n chips on the beach, a casual walk along a boulevard eating your favourite ice-cream, chatting over the newspapers in a cafe for Sunday brunch. And let's face it, when we generally get dressed up we end up off our face blubbering 'I love yous' to the taxi driver while our best friend's holding up our hair so we can chunder out the window when that wave of stale alcohol churns over our stomach. No one wants to start a relationship like that...
So for all those single mums out there who are desperate to find a new mate, stop trying so hard. He'll fall into your lap without you even knowing and when you least expect it. Be yourself and love will find your way.
So why do we do it? Why get dressed up, when more often than not, you will pick up someone genuine who sees you in your lazy Sunday afternoon wares pushing the trolley though the supermarket?
Do we do it for ourselves because we feel more confident when we have put the effort into our outward appearance, or does the glamour give us a fake confidence that is obvious to any potential beau? Ok, so there are reasons to get dressed up, no doubt - a gala event, charity ball, a day at the races, going to a nightclub and even on a romantic night out. But really, for someone to get to know you properly, won't they want to see you in your natural environment doing what you naturally love - fish n chips on the beach, a casual walk along a boulevard eating your favourite ice-cream, chatting over the newspapers in a cafe for Sunday brunch. And let's face it, when we generally get dressed up we end up off our face blubbering 'I love yous' to the taxi driver while our best friend's holding up our hair so we can chunder out the window when that wave of stale alcohol churns over our stomach. No one wants to start a relationship like that...
So for all those single mums out there who are desperate to find a new mate, stop trying so hard. He'll fall into your lap without you even knowing and when you least expect it. Be yourself and love will find your way.
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