Fireworks and Friends

Last night was the annual Bayside Christmas Carols at Dendy Park where about 20,000 locals congregate for a mass picnic, watch some of the local schools and community musical groups sing or play a Christmas carol or two and end the night with a fantastic display of fireworks.

Usually it's a night where parents sit and drink a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, relax and talk about the world, and the kids disappear, find their friends and run around with glow sticks and bracelets, flashing Santas and whirling pinwheels and you can never find them unless they want some money for Mr Whippy ice-cream or find some other useless thing to spend money on.

I met up with a friend of a friend last night, who I'd met a couple of times before. She's American, but been living in Melbourne for about 15 years. She was sitting with a couple of friends, another American from New York, a lady who works at the local pool and another lady who was a mum from the same school as the other three. Then another lady showed up... a lady I'd met at another friend's house at New Years Eve last year (a very wild New Years Eve) where unspeakable things happened and we chatted about our mutual friend, and discovered that the lady from the local pool knew our friend. It's quite scary how small the world is!

Anyway, as the night wound up with fireworks, my boys and I sat cuddled up together watching the brilliant light display as the girls chatted behind us. It was a nice night where the weather reached 29 degrees during the day, so it was a beautiful night to be sitting under the stars with a few thousand local friends! :)

The Spirit of Giving

One of my favourite all time movies is 'Love Actually.' A series of intertwining stories about love - how people seek it, what people don't see even if they are right at their feet, the love found after someone dies, love at work, affairs, families, looking overseas for love, love between different classes of people, love between different races, gay love, love between step-father/step-son, young love, friendships and lasting love. It really has it all... and it's a movie that's centred around Christmas time, when some families are bickering, some families feel the heat and some families just need each other. But it's also a movie that shows that family doesn't necessarily have to be blood, as many people are not physically close to their blood relations to enjoy this time of year.

Over the last few days, I've noticed the variety of love within families at this time of year. Some unexpected people come up to the plate to make an effort for their children/cousins to be together, even if the parents are fighting or not talking. Some people unite to give to charities through their work, that in itself, creates a bond within the work environment. Some people give close to home, when they realise a family member is struggling and need a helping hand at this time of year. I've seen friends who move closer to family to have their love and support, realise that when they are there, they get nothing of what they expected. Some family members do absolutely nothing to help those in need when they are in a perfectly good place to help either financially or give of their time.

But there is also perception... some people think that others are not helping, donating or participating in a 'communal' event, when in fact, behind the scenes, they are doing more than you would ever know. I've heard people donating large sums of money to Christmas charities when the rest of their work colleagues are donating a $20 present under the tree. I've heard of people donating large sums of money to family members who are struggling, but when the family get together, the family bicker about how that person makes no effort at all. I've seen people put in huge amounts of time and effort into their parents while their health is deteriorating, but the parents can only talk badly of their devoted son/daughter. It's just so sad, that people are judging without knowing the reality of the love and compassion behind the person they perceive so wrongly.

I've had a glimmer of hope over the last few days, that there might just be some good in the world between estranged families... that people get together for the Spirit of Christmas for the sake of the children and the sake of forgiveness. I've always had a concern that some people only make the effort when there's a special occasion, when they should be making an effort for no reason at all, except for when they see that there is a dire need for help, love or compassion.

I do believe that those who give from the heart are the ones who have seen or experienced extreme levels of hardship in their time. It's those people who touch the lives of others, as they too have been touched by the stories from people going through hardship that are so familiar to them from their own lives. There are many people who believe in karma... what goes around comes around... so this Christmas, no matter how difficult it may be, find the time, find a few dollars, forsake something for yourself and give to someone who needs it more than you or your children. As touching someone else's life unexpectedly, is so much more rewarding and is such a better Christmas present to yourself, than having some materialistic gift that gets short term pleasure.

Give where it's needed most...

Life is One Big Drama

I was reading something the other day how we have to stop living in dreamland, how our life can never be that of what we see in the movies and that the reality for most of us to expect our life to be one long monotonous ride of responsibility, financial burden and heartache. Life is not fair, and we need to grow up and realise that.

Ok, I think there are some valid points to those statements, but there can be parts of our lives that we can make bigger, better, more exciting and breathtakingly beautiful if we dream big and want what's important.

I think that's the key to it... validate to yourself, 'what's important to you?' Is it a big house, or just a home you can call your own? Is it living by the sea, the mountains, the city or the country? Where's your nirvana? Are you driven by the high-powered job, the money or your family? Do you love to travel or are you a home body? Do you love having family and friends around, or do you enjoy your own company? What is it that makes you 'you?' If you can identify those things in yourself, you can find the happier you, and maybe, just maybe, you could live the life that is synonymous with your favourite movie, favourite book or dream life.

Sometimes, you may get a glimmer in your life that's even more powerful than a movie scene, but the rest of your life is working hard to pay the bills. Would you be satisfied in your life knowing that you had 'your moment in time' as a week, a month or a year of blissful memories? Knowing that you will never get that life back again because even if you tried, you know that you'll be disappointed because it could never be as perfect as that first time?

But why can't you strive for different 'movie moments?' It may not be a romance, it could be something that makes you laugh out louder than you ever have before, it could be something so dramatically powerful that it keeps your heart beating fast creating unknown suspense and vitality. It could just be seeing the most beautiful moment in time - your children's joy, a peaceful sunrise, a glorious mountain view, a thunderous lightning show... whatever it is, you capture it in your heart and it stays with you forever.

So why do we need to accept that responsibility, financial burden and heartache are the sum of who we are? They certainly help us grow with maturity, but they don't give us happiness, glowing memories or experiences. I do believe that life is about working hard and playing harder. And if playing harder includes waking up at 4am and driving down the coast to enjoy the sunrise, splashing around in a waterfall in a national park, sharing an impromptu bottle of wine with a close girlfriend on the beach after work or just snuggling up under your covers with a good book next to an open fire... then enjoy those moments, enjoy the beauty they give you in your heart and love the person you are.

Oh What Fun!

Today I did the dreaded 'Christmas shop while the boys are at school so they don't see what I get them!'

I had all these ideas, but some just didn't come off, even after checking the specialised shops - shops you'd expect them to be in. I wanted to get the boys a lightbox - you know, a box with light inside it so you can trace drawings easily (great for cartoon drawing). I went to the main art shop in the mall, didn't have them. Went to the haberdashery/craft shop, thought I'd definitely find one there, but no, they didn't. Then I left the mall and went to a high end artist shop, and they didn't either. I even checked out the $2 shop. My next stop was Ebay to see if they have them. They had a few - mainly lightboxes for signage displays, or if they were art-style light boxes, they were a few hundred dollars and A0 size. I just want a simple A4 size battery operated plastic shell with an opaque screen which shouldn't cost me any more than $20. It just isn't going to happen.

The next idea was a world globe. I wanted one which had a lot of cities marked out so we could put little stars on them when we visited a location. I saw some at a funky stationery shop called Typo a couple of weeks ago at a different mall, but I had the boys with me and I wasn't planning to buy it with them. They were $49.95, which was reasonably priced. I was happy to buy it, but when I went to my usual mall today, they only had tiny globes and had sold out of the big ones. So I went to the science shop, and their globes were $80-$300. I really didn't want to go to that extreme, and of course, the cheap one had hardly any city locations and had stupid little pictures of fish, food and flags all over it, something you'd give a 5 year old.

Another thing I was looking at getting my boys, was an electronic kit. I had them when I was younger and I loved mucking around with diodes, resistors, transformers, a soldering iron, wires, motors, etc. I remember making radios, lighting systems (parallel & series), fans, all types of gadgets in basic form. Again, the science shop, where you'd think they would be, didn't sell them. The other renowned electronics shop who used to sell them have just taken them off the shelves after having them there forever (as kids aren't buying them anymore) and the only place you can supposedly get them is from a specialised hobby shop. I've even had my parents searching for them, and they can't seem to find any.

However, after I did still manage to get a few (a few too many) things for them, I decided after 4 hours of shopping (including buying a few things for myself, as no one seems to remember me!) that enough is enough. I came home, put it all on my bed, worked out exactly what I have for each of my boys and decided, really, they have enough. They have plenty, they don't need anymore. They should be more than happy, especially since I had to replace so much for them this year. They know a few things that they are getting, but there are a couple of surprises.

After they came home from school, I had to go down to the post office. I ended up doing a little bit of a check around the village for anything that might be different and I couldn't resist the $1,000,000 US currency note printed on a gold wrapped block of chocolate, about the size of a Hershey bar, to throw in their stockings. :)

The Facts of Life

I had a conversation with a friend today about adding some condoms into the boys Santa stocking possibly at the end of their first year of high school. (that's only 2 years away! My oldest will be close to 13 and a half). Ok, so that might be a tad young to actually be using them as their intended use, but I told my friend that I didn't want to be a grandma at 43. He said, 'fair point.' But it made me think, what is an appropriate age for a parent to show some responsibility and realise that their kids are growing up?

I think adding condoms into the boys' Christmas stockings as their world changes in high school is the responsible thing to do. Not for them to go shag the first girl they come across, but just to experiment. Open the packet, work out how to roll it onto a banana, a cucumber, whatever tickles their fancy. They may think they are disgusting, they may be intrigued, but it gets them understanding that condoms are a necessary part of their sexual life. Who knows, they may just choose to put them in their sock drawer and leave them their till they really start getting into girls when they are fifteen, sixteen... they could still be virgins at nineteen! But for me, I would rather know that I have armed my boys with the right education in regards to sex, diseases, dating, respect and patience when it comes to girls than them knocking up a girl and wondering how it all happened.

At the same time, I don't want sex to be a taboo subject. I want my boys to open up to me when they are worried about a certain situation they don't know how to handle, I want them to come to me and ask. I'm lucky as my boys already ask me questions they aren't sure about, or I will tell them that they are being naive. And they know that I will correct them when someone from school tells that girls have a 'bagina' or that kissing will get you pregnant. It is empowering for them to go back to school with the right information and tell their friends (or foes) that they are wrong (because 'my mum said so!').

I think in this day and age, it's important for parents to be upfront about telling their children about sex. It is nothing to be ashamed about. If your child is asking the questions they are ready to hear the answers, and really, sex is a 'natural' part of life. Why would you want your children to feel it's shameful, dirty or inappropriate because you are uncomfortable answering the questions? Give them the confidence to be good respectful lovers, empowered with knowledge, respect and choice. As parents, it's our duty to do that, and by doing it, they will learn to make mature decisions, respect their own bodies and enjoy the warmth, comfort and exploratory nature sex can give them when their time is right.

The Heartache in Dating...

As a single mum, and talking to many single mums out there, the hardest thing to do, is find someone you can trust to share your life with you again. There are so many stages that make it difficult... mainly because you are the dedicated provider and carer for your children, and you never want anyone to come between you. Your children come first no matter what, and to juggle the time between work, your kids, housework and external family commitments, there really isn't much time for YOU.

I struggle at the moment, because I have my kids telling me more and more that they want me to find them a new Dad. And I want that for them more than anything. But I'm trying to finish my book, work, get the Christmas shopping done, look after sick kids and deal with way too many family celebrations over the next month (there are 6 family birthdays in the next month including 3 major milestones, plus Christmas). Hopefully by the time January 1st comes by, I might be able to breathe again!

So let's say I start dating. I manage to go out on a couple of lunch dates while the boys are at school, so they don't know that I'm 'trying on' some potentials. Say one lunch date, turns into two or three, and then he wants to take it to a dinner date, and possibly a 'let's go back to his place.' I feel I'm really into this guy, but I've been bitten too many times to introduce him too soon to the boys. After all, they want a new Dad, so I have to make sure he's right for them as well as right for me.

Ok, so I get the babysitter coming over once a week, so I can have a weekly escape with my new man. Do you think it should be an instant feeling that I know this guy is the right material to introduce my boys to him, or do I wait? But if I wait, and my boys don't have the same feeling for him as I do, or he doesn't like my boys, or hasn't the tolerance for them because his kids are beyond the age of mine, have I wasted my time? Aaaarrrggghhhh!!

Ok, let's paint this as a perfect picture.... I introduce him to the boys - the boys love him, put him on a pedestal. He loves the boys, even decides to be their basketball coach to interact with them more. He takes us on little weekends away, he attends all their sports matches, we meet his kids and all our kids get along perfectly. After a year or so, he proposes, I accept... with conditions... we maintain our financial independence. I need to know, that if for any reason our marriage doesn't make it, I can still be the supporting mother for my boys. He doesn't want those conditions... he wants us to merge everything because he doesn't want to think negatively down the track... he's thinking of the love he has for me and what we have. He's romantic, but not practical. I make a compromise... We maintain our financial independence until all our children are over 25... by then, they don't need our financial support for study and should be on their own two feet. At the same time, we should know that our marriage can still be wonderful without the time and effort we put into our children. He agrees.

But, after you've been through a torturous divorce, an attempt in dating that you truly felt you found your Mr Perfect, you've lost every ounce of trust in men because you've been deceived, used, put your heart on the line to do everything in your power to believe that someone actually loves you for YOU, how can you ever get to the point of finding a man who fits the perfect bill. You are always skeptical about their motives, you are always questioning their actions, you are afraid of getting your heart broken and your children's hearts broken again. How do you TRUST again?

It's the biggest Catch 22 out there. Most will say that if your children see you happy, they will be happy. Most single mums don't even bother with the dating scene because they want to invest their time in their children. Some have bedtime playmates with no strings and feel empty because there is no love in what they have. And others hold out that their Mr Right will sweep them off their feet any day now.

I guess the only way to know is putting yourself out there and trying guys on. Be true to yourself, be friends with your intuition and not fight with it and somehow, it might just work out the way you always dreamed.

Seeing the Joy in Your Child's Heart

My boys have been through an intensely emotional time over the last 3 years due to my decision to break up my marriage. For my oldest, it was a relief that we broke up, however there has been the constant strain of having to deal with his father intermittently. For my youngest, it was devastating that we split, as he didn't know what was wrong. However, over the last nine or so months, he's seen what both his brother and I had seen in his father and decided that it was his father's doing more so than mine, because he was now being hurt by the constant disappointed and the constant lies he tells more and more every time.

So from that, you see where they defer their anger, defer where they thought they had love but didn't, and defer their emotions. They transfer their worries and concerns into playing video games, battling head-to-head with their Bey Blades (spinning tops in stadiums, working out different combinations of performance tips, weights & plastic screws to make the best top), drawing and sometimes making video recordings of themselves. For my youngest son, his drawings over the past year have been anything from babyish scrawl to detailed characters that he plans to sell to a video game company for their next Skylander, Mario & Sonic character or even a cartoon series. Most of the characters have sharp teeth or angry faces, which is in essence the state of his heart.

Last week, he asked me to buy him a drawing sketch book at 7.30pm on a Friday night. He pleaded like he was desperate to have it. So we went to the local stationery supplier and bought a 200 page plain white sheet sketch pad so he could draw. That night, he created about eight characters. On the Saturday, he drew another four. Over the past week, those characters have progressed from sharp pointed teeth monsters to cheeky faced smiling friends. Their eyes smile, they poke their tongues out and their mouths have big wide grins. And my son, has the beautiful smiling face he had before we split. His aura has come back, and it's so beautiful to see.

Whereas, my oldest son, his drawings have always been happy characters, and he's constantly telling jokes, he's sometimes annoyingly happy just to break the ice when there's too much seriousness to be had and he truly is a joy to have around. His persona generally changes to distress when someone from the outside world - the courts, lawyers or mediators, say he has to see his father. He's getting into making animation with his iPad, and today when I was scouring the shelves of a bookshop for a present for my nephew, my boys were quietly sitting in the back of the bookshop reading a book together for a good twenty minutes (before I told them we had to go!).

It really is nice to sit back and take in the beauty of your children - see them aspire to what fills them up with happiness. Sometimes you can see where life will take them, career wise, but sometimes its just seeing where they are developing their talents that could lead to other things. It's times like these that you have to nurture what they have and what they love. It's these moments in time where you see the love in their heart - for you, for what they are doing and for their surrounds, and it makes it all worthwhile.