Seeing the Joy in Your Child's Heart

My boys have been through an intensely emotional time over the last 3 years due to my decision to break up my marriage. For my oldest, it was a relief that we broke up, however there has been the constant strain of having to deal with his father intermittently. For my youngest, it was devastating that we split, as he didn't know what was wrong. However, over the last nine or so months, he's seen what both his brother and I had seen in his father and decided that it was his father's doing more so than mine, because he was now being hurt by the constant disappointed and the constant lies he tells more and more every time.

So from that, you see where they defer their anger, defer where they thought they had love but didn't, and defer their emotions. They transfer their worries and concerns into playing video games, battling head-to-head with their Bey Blades (spinning tops in stadiums, working out different combinations of performance tips, weights & plastic screws to make the best top), drawing and sometimes making video recordings of themselves. For my youngest son, his drawings over the past year have been anything from babyish scrawl to detailed characters that he plans to sell to a video game company for their next Skylander, Mario & Sonic character or even a cartoon series. Most of the characters have sharp teeth or angry faces, which is in essence the state of his heart.

Last week, he asked me to buy him a drawing sketch book at 7.30pm on a Friday night. He pleaded like he was desperate to have it. So we went to the local stationery supplier and bought a 200 page plain white sheet sketch pad so he could draw. That night, he created about eight characters. On the Saturday, he drew another four. Over the past week, those characters have progressed from sharp pointed teeth monsters to cheeky faced smiling friends. Their eyes smile, they poke their tongues out and their mouths have big wide grins. And my son, has the beautiful smiling face he had before we split. His aura has come back, and it's so beautiful to see.

Whereas, my oldest son, his drawings have always been happy characters, and he's constantly telling jokes, he's sometimes annoyingly happy just to break the ice when there's too much seriousness to be had and he truly is a joy to have around. His persona generally changes to distress when someone from the outside world - the courts, lawyers or mediators, say he has to see his father. He's getting into making animation with his iPad, and today when I was scouring the shelves of a bookshop for a present for my nephew, my boys were quietly sitting in the back of the bookshop reading a book together for a good twenty minutes (before I told them we had to go!).

It really is nice to sit back and take in the beauty of your children - see them aspire to what fills them up with happiness. Sometimes you can see where life will take them, career wise, but sometimes its just seeing where they are developing their talents that could lead to other things. It's times like these that you have to nurture what they have and what they love. It's these moments in time where you see the love in their heart - for you, for what they are doing and for their surrounds, and it makes it all worthwhile.

Accidental Friends

Sometimes do you wonder why you keep bumping into people? People you've had no real affiliation with, but met sometime in your life and somehow your paths keep crossing?

I have an old high school friend who I keep bumping into at the mall in more recent times, but prior to that, her mum rented a flat above my first flat out of home, her daughter and my boys have crossed paths through holiday programs and for some reason, a radio station called me one morning asking if I knew her and had her contact details, but I was only a Facebook friend with her, so didn't have an email or phone number to contact her. Each time we bump into each other, have a good catch up chat and go on our merry ways. It's nice... but I have no idea why the universe keeps crossing our paths.

With my work, occasionally I'll be asked to do repeat clients' homes, as they are developers, or people who buy, renovate and sell constantly, or investors getting rid of their real estate. But besides seeing them at their properties, I rarely see anyone out and about. However, about two years ago, I met a man who was a police man, who enjoyed the renovating/building thing. He was selling because he was getting divorced. We swapped stories and it was weird, because when I left, he said, whenever I feel like having a chat, his door is always open. I've never taken up that offer (bit late now as I don't know where he lives), but we keep bumping into each other. At the supermarket, him jogging down the street as I walk the boys to school, even I saw him once directing traffic in a side street after a horrific accident on the main road. We'd always stop and chat (except for when he was working, but he acknowledged my wave). The other day, after we went for a swim at the new aquatic centre, I took my youngest to an ice-cream shop as a little treat as his brother was having a sleep over at a friend's house. I'd ordered and paid for our ice-cream, I turned around, and there he was. He ordered his ice-cream and we sat down for 15 minutes having a big chat. Again, we have exchanged no contact details, we just keep bumping into each other.

It's a little bit like the movie 'You've Got Mail' without the secret emailing. You have no idea why these people are infrequently entering your life, but you enjoy their company when they are. Is the universe trying to tell us something? Who knows... it's just one of those things in life that puts a smile on your face.

An Impromptu Night at the Beach

Just because we can... had a beautiful night at the beach with some girlfriends and their boys watching the sunset, eating fish n chips and enjoying a glass of bubbly! An absolute perfect night! :)

This is what it was like when we first turned up around 6.30pm. Nippers was finishing up, so there were many kayaks in the water.

This is where we lay down our towels to enjoy the beach activity. The boys went instantly in the water and said how warm it was.

The girls having a chat with one of the Dad throwing a ball to his son in the background.

The start of the sunset over the pier and the yacht club. 

The sunset continues... reflecting into the water in low tide.

The city lights in the background, a paddle-boarder coming off for the night.

We ended up leaving the beach around 9.10pm... it was the most perfect night - still waters, no wind, beautiful sunset, gorgeous company and just a lucky place to live.

When Trust is Gone and Struggles to Survive

I spoke to a vendor today about the reasons for selling their home. It was a story I could easily relate to. Essentially, there had been an affair between her husband and another lady. Once she found out about the affair, which lasted a little over three years, she did everything in her power to keep her husband. I asked her why? Her trust had been betrayed and her life as she knew it was something that could never be built back to what they had before. I asked her if she could live her life knowing that it could happen again, and essentially she said, it didn't matter, because she was just too scared starting over again, or feeling lonely and she really had no idea how she would survive financially on her own. So she stayed.

They decided to sell their home so that the 'other woman' would not stalk them or know where they live. She literally felt frightened of the potential of this other woman. She didn't want to know her husband's feelings for the other woman, she just wanted her out of his life and would do anything to ensure she would leave them alone. She was extremely hurt, because every time her name came up in conversation, she could see the love in her husband's eyes for this woman, a love he once had for her. She never asked why he decided to stay with her, and not the other woman, but she felt that he was scared of losing the love of his children for betraying the family.

The other woman was making contact with her husband every now and again, and to regain his wife's trust again, her husband told his wife about the contact and that he was ignoring the emails and phone calls, to prove to his wife that he was re-dedicating his energy to her. The more the emails and phone calls came in, the angrier his wife became. I asked her why she was angry, hadn't she already won the battle, making her husband stay with her? She agreed that she had, but felt an overwhelming sense of jealousy, that if this woman kept contacting him, there will be one day that he will break and go back to her. She literally didn't know what to do but fight for her life back.

I asked her if she really felt she had her life back or will ever have her life back? The life she thought she'd always have with him. And she said 'No.' I told her that that was sad, and she deserved better.

She decided to contact the 'other woman' telling her to leave them alone. She thought she would try making her jealous by telling her all the sexual things they do together, that he takes her out to expensive restaurants and buys her exquisite jewellery. She told her about corporate events he took her to, showing her off to his professional fraternity in her beautiful gown and diamonds. She even sent her pictures of them being together. But the other woman didn't care and told her so. The wife thought it was so weird that this woman wasn't interested in his money, wasn't interested in his occupation, wasn't interested in what she was interested in with him.

I told her, that maybe it's a sign of true love. A love that only cares about him as a person - his mind, his body, his spiritualism, his feelings and his love for life, not all the materialism that goes with a good occupation. Maybe that's what he felt was missing in your marriage.

I could see she was thinking about it, thinking how shallow she had been, thinking that maybe that was the reason why he strayed in the first place because he wasn't being loved for 'him' only what he could provide.

I asked her if this move will solve all their problems? She wasn't sure. She wanted to move because she knew the woman had been in the house and that thought just repulsed her. She wanted to spend more time with him, so reducing the mortgage would help in giving them some time back together. So she thought it would be a good thing, and he agreed. I asked her if she knew what she wanted and what she could give her husband to make sure he didn't stray again, and she didn't know, except to spend more time with him. She didn't know if that was the answer, she just wanted to try.

I sensed her loneliness in all of this. She had no friends or family to turn to, as she didn't want her husband's reputation marred within their family or friendships. But I felt that she struggled with learning to trust him again, as every action, every word, every phone call and every email sound would be scrutinised, analysed and consume her, even if this woman doesn't contact him for 6 months, 12 months or 5 years, she will always think that any contact her husband receives outside their marriage could be 'the other woman.' She admitted that it would be something that would eat her up inside for the rest of her married life, but she felt it was worth it, just so she didn't feel scared of looking after herself or feeling lonely. The funny thing is, unless she goes to counselling or a support group, she will always be alone. The one thing she's certain of though, is that all trust is gone, and that's what's the hardest thing to deal with and always will be.

Sometimes, you just have to have a belief in yourself that you are better than this, have the courage to leave because you don't deserve to feel a constant hole in your heart. You need to believe that you deserve to be loved for you, not the family that ties you together. And you need to believe, no matter how long it's been since you have been out of the market, there will be someone more loving towards you and more deserving of your love.

Perspective...

Today, it's four weeks to Christmas. Four weeks for many people who have no idea what they can afford to buy their children for Christmas, four weeks for many who chose to not pay some of their bills just to see the joy in their children's faces, four weeks for many who could lose their jobs, lose their unemployment benefits, lose a loved one via death, divorce or an unexpected break-up and four weeks of uncertainty.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of giving, family and good times, after all, that is the spirit of Christmas. But most don't feel that spirit anymore, because they have never had their Christmas wish come true, they have seen it as a time of intense financial pressure and they see it as a time where they have to confront their family who they have tried to avoid for the past 12 months so they don't need to reveal all their hurt and failures in life. It can be a time that is beyond their emotional capacity in coping.

So for us, who can afford to make a difference in someone's life, TODAY is the day to do it. Give from your heart in anyway possible - lend a hand, cook a meal, give someone a job, pay for their petrol, hand over your credit card at the supermarket and pay for their groceries... DO SOMETHING NOW to give them four weeks of hope that this year, Christmas will be OK.

The best thing about giving, is not expecting anything in return. The joy in giving, seeing how much your thoughtfulness has affected the person you're giving to, is enough pleasure in itself, especially if you see the joy first hand. And when it's unexpected from the other party, it's even more rewarding. It doesn't have to be a lot that you give, just something that is thoughtful, something that is needed, something that will ease the burden for that person or family, even if it's for a day, it's something. And that something will give them renewed hope that there is goodness in this world, and they aren't forgotten. If they can renew their belief, then they will somehow believe in themselves a little more, and more goodness will come to them... it's one of the laws of the universe.

So have a little perspective today and think outside yourself, think what other's don't have which is a necessity... a new pair of shoes, a meal to eat, new books for school, a roof over their heads, even some medical attention, do something to make the world a better place, even if it's just helping one person at a time.

Respect, Support or Judge

It really is a fine line between it all. There are events in a loved one's life that deserves all three. Sometimes you just want to be there for your friends and family, help them through their ordeals, and sometimes you have heard it all before, tired of hearing about it and the judgement card comes out unexpectedly. But I guess, above it all, all you are doing is showing your love and care.

Respect... It's a big word that means so much. You can 'respect' your loved one's decision, you can 'respect' your loved one's positioning - familiar hierarchy, employment hierarchy, political variances, religious stand-point, generational differences, cultural differences and educational level, or you can 'respect' your loved one's desires in life. You may not agree with their choices, but you can respect them.

Support... It's the thing you do when you respect your loved one's decision. You show them, no matter what, you will help them in their life to ensure that they get what they want in life. If it's signing a petition to help a law be passed that's important to them, if it's being there for them when the have their debut in an amateur theatre production, if it's just being a listening ear when they want to off-load or if they choose to have a sex-change because they feel unhappy in their body. Support is what most of your friends want from you when life turns on them.

Judge... The harsh one... The judgement card comes out when you see that your friend or family member is not seeing clearly and doing more damage to themselves than making life better for themselves. You've initially respected their decision, you've supported them through their ordeal, but you see that things just aren't getting better and their happiness is slowly reducing to depression and you just want to whack them on the head and tell them to wake up! Some people don't do the verbal judgement, they do the silent judgement... the judgement that slowly dwindles away the friendship or active involvement in each other's lives.

I know I've been there, and I'm sure in many incidents in my life I have a lot of friends who just want to whack me across the head. I know I've lost many friends over the years because of my decision making. I know two of my closest friends from high school despised my boyfriend (who turned into my husband, and now ex) because I stayed with him, so our friendships ended. They chose to not have me in their lives because of my choices. And I guess that's what happens to all of us.

I heard of one story today about a friend who has been ousted out of this woman's life, not because her friend wanted her out of his life, but because their friendship was seen to be 'high risk' to his family even though their friendship had only ever been platonic. I guess his family saw it as being 'an emotional affair.' He is doing the perceived right thing by his family by not communicating with her anymore. This upsets this woman very much, as she misses the conversations they had, so she emails him once a month just to let him know that she's ok. When they were talking, his main concern was the lack of interest his family had in him, something he voiced subtly in his communication with her, but also defended his family's position more than his own position. She's respected his decision not to communicate with her because she knows how much his family means to him, and she just wants to see him happy in the environment he chooses to stay in. Her emails showed her support in his decision because that's what 'he' wanted. She looked at his Facebook pages to keep him distant but close, and some days she was absolutely appalled about how much he was being ignored, excluded in family events and not even acknowledged as being part of the family. She even saw photos of him being half the man he used to be - unshaven, wearing un-ironed clothes when he used to be so proud of his appearance, looking insipid, exhausted, like he'd put on excess weight and looked emotionally drained. His aura looked destroyed. She was boiling so much inside from what she saw after only 4 months of finishing their friendship, she had to say something... she brought out the judgement card. She told him how the eyes are the windows of the soul and how much sadness was in his eyes, she told him that she couldn't stand that he wasn't being acknowledged by those who love him and she could see the hurt in his face. She could see that he was trying so hard to rebuild the trust in his family's eyes by doing what he could to be there for them, but the hurt was still there.

She felt horrible. Horrible that she too was judging him when for so long she respected and supported all decisions he had made. But what she was now finding, was that her judgement was losing her respect for him. She couldn't believe that someone who claims that their 'happy place' is with his family, could lose so much 'respect' in himself and seriously look like he is going into a deep dark depression because he feels tied to the people he loves through his religious beliefs and marriage vows. What does this woman do? Does she leave him alone, showing him that she no longer cares to see him hurting himself so much? Or does she continue to show her respect and support when it's sits wrong with her, but somehow she feels, if she doesn't send her monthly emails, he would lose a sense of hope and fight in his life for what's important to him? Or is the fact that she's still communicating with him, even though it's rare, his family see it as a betrayal, even though it's something that he can't control? She just felt that he still needed her because most of the time she was encouraging and supporting him, and she was his sign of hope that he's doing the right thing, even though it sat wrong with her.

Frustrating... I know. But sometimes we have to think outside ourselves just to be a friend, and hopefully, one day, your friend will start to value your opinion and have the courage to do something that will actually make a difference in their lives and make them happy.

Change...

Why is it so hard for some people to 'change?' I'm not asking for people to change their personalities, or  give themselves a drastic physical makeover, but more 'changing with the times.'

For instance, a common frustration many have with our parent's generation is that they are used to rationing, fixing, re-using and maximising the use of things. Most will say that it stems from the war years, when they had to savour every little morsel of food, soap, piece of toilet paper and match because they didn't know when they will be able to get hold of another. I understand, in someways, it's a good habit to get into, as we have become a wasteful society in many many ways, but there are studies now that suggest that holding onto things too long can cause other problems, like food poisoning and harmful bacterial growth causing dermatitis and other ailments, and some of the older generation continue to do things that make us younger generation shake our heads.

How about religion? Many people are brought up on Faith, having God in their lives and learning the moral codes that make them solid citizens of this world and their religious culture. But, with so many people of high religious positioning, taking advantage of their powers to abuse young children, committing adultery (as I mentioned in a previous blog, there's been a study that 23% of religious ministers have committed adultery after they were ordained), steal from the church and their congregation for their own benefits, but also, why are there such a number of religious wars that are crippling societies and why are there a huge number of children living in poverty in both Third World countries and on our own doorsteps? Why aren't there more people questioning God about what is happening in the world? Most are taught that God is a symbol of peace, joy and humanity, however, there is more emphasis on power, materialism and weapons of mass destruction in this world. The religious faithful would argue that because there has become a lack of faith in the last century is the reasoning behind the negativity and greed in this world creating more reason for wars, but how can that be true, when in centuries gone by with less world population, there were still wars, differences of class and distribution of wealth? Why is it, that the church/synagogues/mosques cannot re-write the Bible, Torah or Quran to reflect the changing morals and human rights of today? After all, it is now considered to be against humanity to have slaves, treat women as non-equals and expect women to be fully clothed in public, amongst other things, but these religious doctrines still condone them. No wonder people are confused and are unsure of what to believe.

Our generation, and our children's generation, love the concept of 'new.' We have been thrown the concept of it through media advertisements and shop windows, and we all want to try something new. So trying 'new' things means we are susceptible to change. I know it infuriates my sisters and I (but we've also accepted that it's just 'mum's' way) that our mum buys an expensive dishwasher, then still rinses her dishes before putting them in the dishwasher (because she's convinced that the dishwasher would never do a good enough job on its own). She then uses a tablespoon of dishwasher powder in her dishwasher (when the recommended amount is double that), rather than buy the specialised dishwasher tablets which would save her half the time. It's not like she hasn't the money to buy the tablets, it's just what she knows and what she's used to.

I'm not saying that 'new' is the be all and end all, we do need to be thankful for the things that we have and not expect to have the good life, high life or materialistic life, and the new generation is being taught a lot about recycling, renewable energies and the impact of our actions on the environment, but they are also being taught to 'think,' 'question' and have a 'voice' about what doesn't sit right with them about the morality, politics and right thing is for this world we live in, rather than 'accepting' that you do what you do because you are told. Yes we can all be idealistic and want the best in our own views, but I feel that those born in the last 40 years, the children of the Baby Boomers, are open to changing their views and opinions on what is best for society and their own social stance constantly rather than retaining a morality or holding onto the simple uneducated lives of their parental heroes that have been the strength of the foundation of their childhood.

Change is for the good... change makes us think, change makes us act, change gives us courage. We need changing perspectives to make the world go round, we just need more people to think more analytically and just do it!