It's amazing how you know when you find your perfect man (or woman) and know in your heart that you will never have anyone else in your life who will make you feel the way that person made you feel. The way they instinctively know when something is wrong, when they do something spontaneously fun or romantic for you just to make your day brighter, or hold onto you in a way that's a perfect fit. You somehow have an intuitive instinct about anything good or bad that's going on with them and you would do anything to help them through it. It's a love that is so profound, so unbreakable that you simply will do anything to be with them or for them.
But what happens when your true love is taken away from you before you're ready? An accident, a medical condition, an unsolved murder? Do you live your life wishing they would come back and look after you even when you know they can't? Do you look in all types of places just to find a replacement who can be just as perfect as your true love? Or do you know that you've had the best of the best and you will remain the rest of your life as a single, independent person, not wanting anyone else to get close to you?
It's hard.. and it's hard not letting people get close to you even when they want to. You know that no matter what, any new person would never live up to the love and life you had with your true love. You would almost always feel like you are betraying your true love by being with someone else intimately. It feels impossible because the only way you envisaged your life together is if you died in each others arms at the same time...
And it happens... couples just can't cope without being with each other. My uncle's in-laws died within 10 days of each other completely unexpectedly, a friend's parents died 16 weeks apart recently, and there are many homes I go into and it is said that the parents died within the same year. A true love, no matter how turbulent times can be due to poverty, sickness, work concerns or family concerns, will do absolutely anything for each other to maintain a sense of warmth and happiness within each other at ALL times. Anything else, is far from the essence of what 'true love' means.
So when your true love is gone, you do everything to keep your mind off ever having another love. You look after your children, you volunteer your time to any charity possible, you travel and experience the world, you consume yourself in work, you do everything to ensure you don't have any down time, because you know if you have down time, all you do is think about your true love, wish you could be holding your true love, feeling their touch and crying in silence wanting them back.
You know in your heart if your 'true love' is with you or not... spiritually, emotionally or physically. And when you have it, hold onto it forever... as forever is worth holding onto...
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
My Two Boys
I know I'm allowed to be biased, but I have the two best sons in the world!
They help me around the house without me needing to nag them (most the time!), like emptying the dishwasher, drying the dishes, putting the rubbish outside, vacuuming, wiping the tables, making their beds and cleaning up their toys. Even if they are in the middle of watching their favourite TV program, they realise that they forgot to do some of their chores, and quickly get it done before I realise! Not that they think I'm an ogre, they just know that we are a team, and all team members help out.
Each night, we have some wind down time, and they compete a little to see who can have 'more' of me to cuddle. I sit in the middle of the couch, and they sit either side, or lie down over the top of me, put their heads on my lap or their feet on my lap, just happy knowing I'm there. We laugh, we hug each other, we tickle each other and we have fun. Sometimes the competing can get a little overwhelming when one wants to take over my lap, while the other one already has his head on it, so I have to divide my body in half and show the boundaries of who gets what... one gets my left side, the other my right.
My boys are full of joy! When we do things together, their little voices are so appreciative of being able to enjoy life. It could be anything from choosing which take-out food we are getting for the night, to choosing which movie we go to, putting their favourite song on the iPod or even a simple walk down the street to enjoy the fresh air. Their little voices say 'Thank You Mum!' or "You're the Best Mum Ever!' and I get the best smiles and the most appreciative hugs from them. And they don't care that they are 11 and 9 years old, as some kids at that age think that hugging their mum is a little wrong. They won't kiss me, and I'm OK with that, but they love giving hugs.
They always surprise me... On Monday, it was the first day back at school, and they are usually awake before me. When I woke up, they had already dressed themselves for school, had breakfast, made their lunches (which they never do!), made their beds, cleaned up their playroom and emptied the dishwasher, not to mention brushed their teeth and had their bags packed! I said "Who are you and what have you done with my boys?" They smiled, and were very proud of their achievements, wanting to know what else they could do.
I hear of stories that they look after each other in the playground at school, and sometimes even share the same friends. They do everything together - play with their Bey Blades, play Wii or games on their iPads, they ride on they scooters together, play hockey, sit and draw together and even create concoctions in the kitchen! Even though they do sometimes get annoyed with each other, they do show a deep respect for each other and cherish that they have each other.
I'm not saying my boys don't have problems... as they do. My little one has learning disabilities (and I'm allowed to call them 'disabilities' now, not 'differences' as his learning tests are on the bottom rung) :( And my oldest boy can be annoyingly happy, and sometimes I worry that he's covering up something that he's not voicing (like comedians do... you know how sometimes they enjoy making other people laugh, but they have a sad existence themselves). And they know that I work really hard and can be overwhelmingly tired, so they understand when not to ask for too much. They are seeing a counsellor to deal with issues with their father and the concept of family, and since they have been doing it, it's like a weight has lifted off their shoulders. They know that we, as a threesome, need to stick together and always be there for each other, as no one else will be... no one else cares for us as we care for each other. And that's all that matters.
I love my two boys and will do anything for them to make them the best boys they can be. I've already been told that their maturity level in handling things at school supersedes that of most their peers, and they do ask the deepest questions and are willing to learn about life. I think that because I have always told them that I will be honest with them, about anything - sex, friends, family, how a car works, what a word means, the right decorum, why people act a certain way, the generation gap, etc.. they respect everything that I do for them and don't push any boundaries.
I know that time will come where other influences will dominate their thoughts - girls, work, friends, etc... but I truly hope that they understand that I do give them more freedom than many other parents, that boundaries are set for their safety, and that respect is a two way street... if they respect the boundaries I put on them, the boundaries will be lessened sooner in time.
But at the moment, they are the two most beautiful boys I could ask for... I hope it lasts a lifetime!
They help me around the house without me needing to nag them (most the time!), like emptying the dishwasher, drying the dishes, putting the rubbish outside, vacuuming, wiping the tables, making their beds and cleaning up their toys. Even if they are in the middle of watching their favourite TV program, they realise that they forgot to do some of their chores, and quickly get it done before I realise! Not that they think I'm an ogre, they just know that we are a team, and all team members help out.
Each night, we have some wind down time, and they compete a little to see who can have 'more' of me to cuddle. I sit in the middle of the couch, and they sit either side, or lie down over the top of me, put their heads on my lap or their feet on my lap, just happy knowing I'm there. We laugh, we hug each other, we tickle each other and we have fun. Sometimes the competing can get a little overwhelming when one wants to take over my lap, while the other one already has his head on it, so I have to divide my body in half and show the boundaries of who gets what... one gets my left side, the other my right.
My boys are full of joy! When we do things together, their little voices are so appreciative of being able to enjoy life. It could be anything from choosing which take-out food we are getting for the night, to choosing which movie we go to, putting their favourite song on the iPod or even a simple walk down the street to enjoy the fresh air. Their little voices say 'Thank You Mum!' or "You're the Best Mum Ever!' and I get the best smiles and the most appreciative hugs from them. And they don't care that they are 11 and 9 years old, as some kids at that age think that hugging their mum is a little wrong. They won't kiss me, and I'm OK with that, but they love giving hugs.
They always surprise me... On Monday, it was the first day back at school, and they are usually awake before me. When I woke up, they had already dressed themselves for school, had breakfast, made their lunches (which they never do!), made their beds, cleaned up their playroom and emptied the dishwasher, not to mention brushed their teeth and had their bags packed! I said "Who are you and what have you done with my boys?" They smiled, and were very proud of their achievements, wanting to know what else they could do.
I hear of stories that they look after each other in the playground at school, and sometimes even share the same friends. They do everything together - play with their Bey Blades, play Wii or games on their iPads, they ride on they scooters together, play hockey, sit and draw together and even create concoctions in the kitchen! Even though they do sometimes get annoyed with each other, they do show a deep respect for each other and cherish that they have each other.
I'm not saying my boys don't have problems... as they do. My little one has learning disabilities (and I'm allowed to call them 'disabilities' now, not 'differences' as his learning tests are on the bottom rung) :( And my oldest boy can be annoyingly happy, and sometimes I worry that he's covering up something that he's not voicing (like comedians do... you know how sometimes they enjoy making other people laugh, but they have a sad existence themselves). And they know that I work really hard and can be overwhelmingly tired, so they understand when not to ask for too much. They are seeing a counsellor to deal with issues with their father and the concept of family, and since they have been doing it, it's like a weight has lifted off their shoulders. They know that we, as a threesome, need to stick together and always be there for each other, as no one else will be... no one else cares for us as we care for each other. And that's all that matters.
I love my two boys and will do anything for them to make them the best boys they can be. I've already been told that their maturity level in handling things at school supersedes that of most their peers, and they do ask the deepest questions and are willing to learn about life. I think that because I have always told them that I will be honest with them, about anything - sex, friends, family, how a car works, what a word means, the right decorum, why people act a certain way, the generation gap, etc.. they respect everything that I do for them and don't push any boundaries.
I know that time will come where other influences will dominate their thoughts - girls, work, friends, etc... but I truly hope that they understand that I do give them more freedom than many other parents, that boundaries are set for their safety, and that respect is a two way street... if they respect the boundaries I put on them, the boundaries will be lessened sooner in time.
But at the moment, they are the two most beautiful boys I could ask for... I hope it lasts a lifetime!
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Day Trip to the Hills
As daylight savings set in, and everyone else was still asleep, I bunked my boys into the car for a day out in the hills. It was going to be a day without technology (for them anyway!), getting some fresh air and exercise, and possibly a little bit of a step back in time.
We set the GPS to Mt Donna Buang Summit Road and allowed it to guide us there. Usually when I have the GPS going, and I have a round-about idea of where I'm going, I veer off the course of the GPS and do what I think is the shorter course.... but this time, I just did what it told me, except for one accidental wrong turn that led me down a walking track instead of a road, and I had to do a twenty-point turn between two ditches to get us out of there!
We eventually found the summit road, with no one in sight, except for a brave group of cyclists trudging their way up the hill. About half way up, and the cloud was whispering through the trees making the rainforest foliage look both mystical and eerie in the dull morning light. I put my fog lights on for the first time since I had bought my car, and discovered that they really didn't do much except make me more seen to other cars. The cloud became denser, the visibility almost to white, as we slowed to 20km/h with only the white line on the road to guide us through the cloud. The temperature went from 8 degrees Celsius at the bottom of the hill, to 1 degree Celsius at the summit. A summit that was a ghost town of ski-lifts and signs pointing to toboggan runs.
We set the GPS to Mt Donna Buang Summit Road and allowed it to guide us there. Usually when I have the GPS going, and I have a round-about idea of where I'm going, I veer off the course of the GPS and do what I think is the shorter course.... but this time, I just did what it told me, except for one accidental wrong turn that led me down a walking track instead of a road, and I had to do a twenty-point turn between two ditches to get us out of there!
We eventually found the summit road, with no one in sight, except for a brave group of cyclists trudging their way up the hill. About half way up, and the cloud was whispering through the trees making the rainforest foliage look both mystical and eerie in the dull morning light. I put my fog lights on for the first time since I had bought my car, and discovered that they really didn't do much except make me more seen to other cars. The cloud became denser, the visibility almost to white, as we slowed to 20km/h with only the white line on the road to guide us through the cloud. The temperature went from 8 degrees Celsius at the bottom of the hill, to 1 degree Celsius at the summit. A summit that was a ghost town of ski-lifts and signs pointing to toboggan runs.
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| The Summit Car Park |
As we decided that it wasn't the most inviting place to stop for a bite to eat, we made our way back down the windy road and found a Rainforest Gallery. A layered ancient arrangement of ferns, moss, towering gums and other natives dating back hundreds of year on the edge of 'Cement Creek'... unlike it's name, it was a beautiful rushing flow of water cascading through the undergrowth of the rainforest.
We stopped here for a fruit break before heading back to the car and finding our next walking trail less than a kilometre from the rainforest... on the edge of Warburton township. There was a car park next to a school with a River Walking trail next to it. We looked at the map, saw that it had a few picnic spots along the way and decided on our journey... from the car, along the river, to the shops for afternoon tea.
The river walk was pretty from start to finish. The Yarra River was rushing like rapids in the water and there were plenty of attractions along the way, and again, not many travellers to pass by... it was nice just being the three of us. First we met a blue heeler who had a stick that was twice the size of him wanting us to play with him, but wouldn't let go of his stick. Then we found a Californian Redwood forest, that was planted in 1922, including twin trees joint at the base.
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| (sorry the river doesn't look like rapids here!) |
After we passed the redwoods, we came across a suspension bridge that was fun to swing on! And the ducks loved it too!
We soon found our picnic spot and stopped for our ham rolls, cut fruit, cabana & little gingerbread men, and the boys used their imagination with all that they saw... there was a tree stump that looked like a pirate face, a tire tube that really wasn't an ideal rescue tool if someone got swept away in the river, and some great walking sticks to be made out of fallen branches.
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| The tire... and a little more evidence that the River was almost in rapid form! |
We eventually came to the township and wandered through the shops... the bric a brac shop, the antique shops, the junkie $2 shop, even found a handmade soap shop, a furniture shop where the sales assistant tried to get us to come back in two weekend's time to participate in a Conversation with Chairs (instead of giving me one brochure on it, she gave me three... must have been a slow day!). We even went into the mystical eastern shop with all it's hippy clothes and wares, and walking out buying a pan flute and a hard-covered box that looks like a first edition of 'Alice in Wonderland' which I'd been looking for as a box to keep our remote controls in on the coffee table (it wasn't the Alice in Wonderland I was look for, but the style of box). We walked up and down the street trying to find a nice, country style cafe to have a devonshire tea in, and of course, the boys walked into the 'Rainbow Ice-Cream Shop' instead... but then decided that they didn't want it.
We ended up at the tea shop... a place that makes 200 different types of tea, as well as hot chocolates using Lindt chocolate - YUM! As we sat waiting for our scones to be made, we found some magazines dating back to 1954, and proceeded to read them! Hilarious read... apparently smoking affects your libido!
So after we had happy tummies, we walked back along the river, and my boys, after all the moans and groans of getting them up early and going on a long drive, they were happy and thankful that we had a lovely day, with even a request for more adventures!
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| The three of us - trying not to break into laughter to take the pic! |
Friday, 5 October 2012
Feminism and Men
Why is there a growing concern in women that there aren't any solid, responsible, compassionate men out there anymore? Are we asking too much from them? Are men scared of what is required from them? What happened to the man who would provide for his wife and family, do all the manly things around the house like take out the rubbish, mow the lawns, tend to all the handy-man duties, the man who would be the soccer coach or take the kids out for a bike ride on a Sunday morning so you could have a sleep in? Or the man who takes the kids fishing or camping for the weekend, to see a football game or teach the kids about the way a car works? Where is that man?
Ok, so some men still do some of those things, but it is very rare to find a man who does all of those things. So I have a theory...
I believe men are confused. Since the 1960s and 1970s when feminism took a stance on equality, men found it difficult to know what their roles are. As their mothers became role models for doing everything - working, house work, helping children with their homework, mowing lawns and gardening, being able to change a lightbulb, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, etc they could see that there wasn't much else to do, but enjoy the fact that they were being 'looked after.' Their mothers were too busy doing everything to tell their sons to get off their bums and actually do something, because the nagging used more energy than them actually doing it themselves. So men became complacent. They got used to being looked after and having a fall back if things went wrong. And while their mothers were doing everything, they saw little of their fathers, as they too worked long hours, but they started spending weekends playing golf, evenings at the pub with their mates and enjoying that they had all this free time.
More and more, I hear of stories of men who grew up in this sort of life and are now attracted to strong capable women who can literally look after them, like their mother did. They abuse the concept of a marriage or partnership having any equality to it, don't look for work or have the ambition to work in any high salary job... even if it is truck driving, a trade like plumbing, electrical, carpentry, etc, or even in the mines just to make life easier for their wife and family. They live for their dream, usually something creative or something that they have no idea what it is, but it has something to do with being rich and exuberant, but they don't live in the present and try to have some reason to be in the family.
But you also hear of the stories, that when all else fails in their life, they go back to live with Mum until they can get back on their feet... even at the ages of 36, 45 and 54! They have no sense of personal pride... they would rather go live with Mum than sleep in a boarding house for a few weeks to show that they can be independent and be a man. A man who can be personally responsible for themselves.
And what makes it hard, is that there is hundreds of thousands of women out there, hoping to find that one man who will love her, provide for her, be the shoulder to cry on, be a wonderful lover, be the perfect father for their future kids and just be willing to help whenever the need arises without the nagging that women are so renowned for. But there aren't many available ones out there... and it is impossible to detect who they are until you engage in a life together and discover the truth behind their words and actions.
So what do us women do? We continue to be the strong, capable and responsible women that we are, who don't need to have a man in our lives to complete us. But we know, that one day, when the time is right, the right one will come along, and truly sweep us off our feet.
Ok, so some men still do some of those things, but it is very rare to find a man who does all of those things. So I have a theory...
I believe men are confused. Since the 1960s and 1970s when feminism took a stance on equality, men found it difficult to know what their roles are. As their mothers became role models for doing everything - working, house work, helping children with their homework, mowing lawns and gardening, being able to change a lightbulb, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, etc they could see that there wasn't much else to do, but enjoy the fact that they were being 'looked after.' Their mothers were too busy doing everything to tell their sons to get off their bums and actually do something, because the nagging used more energy than them actually doing it themselves. So men became complacent. They got used to being looked after and having a fall back if things went wrong. And while their mothers were doing everything, they saw little of their fathers, as they too worked long hours, but they started spending weekends playing golf, evenings at the pub with their mates and enjoying that they had all this free time.
More and more, I hear of stories of men who grew up in this sort of life and are now attracted to strong capable women who can literally look after them, like their mother did. They abuse the concept of a marriage or partnership having any equality to it, don't look for work or have the ambition to work in any high salary job... even if it is truck driving, a trade like plumbing, electrical, carpentry, etc, or even in the mines just to make life easier for their wife and family. They live for their dream, usually something creative or something that they have no idea what it is, but it has something to do with being rich and exuberant, but they don't live in the present and try to have some reason to be in the family.
But you also hear of the stories, that when all else fails in their life, they go back to live with Mum until they can get back on their feet... even at the ages of 36, 45 and 54! They have no sense of personal pride... they would rather go live with Mum than sleep in a boarding house for a few weeks to show that they can be independent and be a man. A man who can be personally responsible for themselves.
And what makes it hard, is that there is hundreds of thousands of women out there, hoping to find that one man who will love her, provide for her, be the shoulder to cry on, be a wonderful lover, be the perfect father for their future kids and just be willing to help whenever the need arises without the nagging that women are so renowned for. But there aren't many available ones out there... and it is impossible to detect who they are until you engage in a life together and discover the truth behind their words and actions.
So what do us women do? We continue to be the strong, capable and responsible women that we are, who don't need to have a man in our lives to complete us. But we know, that one day, when the time is right, the right one will come along, and truly sweep us off our feet.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
The Custody Battle
It was so sad to see the four Australian sisters, aged between 15 and 9 years old, torn away from their mother and country to live with their father in Italy. The mother had gone to Italy to bring them to Australia for a 4 week holiday in 2010, and never sent them back, so essentially she kidnapped her daughters. The girls went into hiding in May 2012 after they didn't comply to a court order to return to Italy in 2011, and since, there has been a bitter dispute in the Federal Court if they should be sent back to their father or not. It is all very complicated, but if you believe in the Hague Convention, then the mother did wrong. She could have gone about it a different way, rather than kidnapping, even though her daughters prefer to be with her rather than their father in Italy. It's unfair on the girls to have been put in that position.
But it got me thinking, there must be so many incidences that one parent has 100% custody over their children due to distance, financial inability or just not wanting to be a part of their children's lives anymore (or even the fact that a woman never told a man that she was having his baby). I guess, the story about the four Australian girls isn't about parents who don't want to have their kids in their lives, it's the opposite. I know from the many people's paths I've come across, their children's father lives in a completely different country, different state or the other side of town, and it makes it impossible to have regular visits. But those fathers generally make some type of contact with their kids, either by phone, Skype or email, just to let them know that they are there. And many people who do divorce find that starting a new life somewhere else makes life easier to cope if they don't have the regular contact with their ex, and the children don't see the constant fighting over the little things - like paying for school camps, being there at a school concert, helping out with homework, etc.
So if this is the case, why do the courts insist that the best environment for the children is if the parents have 50/50 custody and joint responsibility for the children? How can that be? Have the court psychologists and politicians who create these laws ever been a fly on the wall in a divorce or through joint efforts in raising children separately? Do they really understand the psychological impact that happens to their children when they still see the fighting going on, and this time it's about the kids, it's not about their personal differences when they were married, so how do your think that makes the kids feel when the two people they love don't agree with what's best for them? It really isn't the ideal environment.
In saying that, I do have a couple of friends who have relatively amicable relationships with their ex-husbands. Some try to get their husbands to spend more time with their kids because they have moved on to a new life with a new partner, while others go to the point of inviting each other to share birthdays and Christmases with their kids together. I guess that's the ideal relationship the courts want all families to have... but the courts don't live in the real world. They don't understand that one parent wants the best for their children, and the other parent wants the best for themselves.
The sad part of the Italy/Australian story, is that the two elder girls were kicking and screaming so much on the plane before it departed tonight, that they were taken off the plane because they were upsetting other passengers. They have been ordered to be on a plane tomorrow night at 8pm. So now the little ones are by themselves, accompanying by the Australian Federal Police. Such a traumatic experience for them... and I know from my own boys, that they are more mature in their thought processes because of our divorce, and they know that they have to be there for each other in good times and bad. And they do... You'd just think that the older girls, no matter how upsetting the situation was, that they would have the maturity to look after their younger sisters and make sure that they weren't alone. Maybe that's a sign that there is no family bond at all. I had some friends post on Facebook today that if we give it time, in a few months there will be a 60 Minutes episode interviewing the family to see how they've settled back into Italy, and see that they are all happy... but I don't see it... I see the older girls rebelling against their father, and possibly going missing for days on end because the system they wanted to believe in has let them down, and they don't know what to believe in anymore.
This is an extreme case, but the custody battles many have to go through are just as heart-breaking, especially when you know, not a Court, what's best for your children.
But it got me thinking, there must be so many incidences that one parent has 100% custody over their children due to distance, financial inability or just not wanting to be a part of their children's lives anymore (or even the fact that a woman never told a man that she was having his baby). I guess, the story about the four Australian girls isn't about parents who don't want to have their kids in their lives, it's the opposite. I know from the many people's paths I've come across, their children's father lives in a completely different country, different state or the other side of town, and it makes it impossible to have regular visits. But those fathers generally make some type of contact with their kids, either by phone, Skype or email, just to let them know that they are there. And many people who do divorce find that starting a new life somewhere else makes life easier to cope if they don't have the regular contact with their ex, and the children don't see the constant fighting over the little things - like paying for school camps, being there at a school concert, helping out with homework, etc.
So if this is the case, why do the courts insist that the best environment for the children is if the parents have 50/50 custody and joint responsibility for the children? How can that be? Have the court psychologists and politicians who create these laws ever been a fly on the wall in a divorce or through joint efforts in raising children separately? Do they really understand the psychological impact that happens to their children when they still see the fighting going on, and this time it's about the kids, it's not about their personal differences when they were married, so how do your think that makes the kids feel when the two people they love don't agree with what's best for them? It really isn't the ideal environment.
In saying that, I do have a couple of friends who have relatively amicable relationships with their ex-husbands. Some try to get their husbands to spend more time with their kids because they have moved on to a new life with a new partner, while others go to the point of inviting each other to share birthdays and Christmases with their kids together. I guess that's the ideal relationship the courts want all families to have... but the courts don't live in the real world. They don't understand that one parent wants the best for their children, and the other parent wants the best for themselves.
The sad part of the Italy/Australian story, is that the two elder girls were kicking and screaming so much on the plane before it departed tonight, that they were taken off the plane because they were upsetting other passengers. They have been ordered to be on a plane tomorrow night at 8pm. So now the little ones are by themselves, accompanying by the Australian Federal Police. Such a traumatic experience for them... and I know from my own boys, that they are more mature in their thought processes because of our divorce, and they know that they have to be there for each other in good times and bad. And they do... You'd just think that the older girls, no matter how upsetting the situation was, that they would have the maturity to look after their younger sisters and make sure that they weren't alone. Maybe that's a sign that there is no family bond at all. I had some friends post on Facebook today that if we give it time, in a few months there will be a 60 Minutes episode interviewing the family to see how they've settled back into Italy, and see that they are all happy... but I don't see it... I see the older girls rebelling against their father, and possibly going missing for days on end because the system they wanted to believe in has let them down, and they don't know what to believe in anymore.
This is an extreme case, but the custody battles many have to go through are just as heart-breaking, especially when you know, not a Court, what's best for your children.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
When do you know it's over?
Some people instantly know when a relationship is over, others hold on hoping that they will get one more chance. Some hold on for a month or two, others 6 months, a few even feel that there is always hope. I guess it all depends on how much the person loves the other person, or depends on the other person. And that's the big difference upon whether the other person comes back or not.
When you love someone, no matter how hard the times have been between you, or the lack of possibilities to actually be together, and if the reasons for being apart are more practical than the love you have for your mate, you only think and feel loving thoughts for that person. You want the best for them, you worry about them, you only think of the good times you had with that person, and not the bad. You don't have vengeful thoughts, you communicate when you can with loving words and hope that one day, you will either be able to be fulfilled with the love of that person again in your everyday life, or that you find someone who supersedes the love you have for that person. You respect their wishes for parting ways, but let them know that you will always be there for them, as you cherished the time that you had with your beau. You can get on with your life without that person, even though you know your life would be more fulfilled with that person in your everyday life. You always have a place in your heart for them. Your intuition tells you that your time with that person may not be over, and you know that you may have to wait 5, 10 or even 20 years, but whenever you reunite again, you will with love and compassion. I had that with my first boyfriend... we were together at the age of 14 and 15 for 3 months, and we broke up for practical reasons (too much school work, living too far away from each other, etc), but we met up again 3 years later for a chat, then again 6 years after that, and then 12 years after that... and now we communicate regularly via email and Skype as platonic friends, but we have always had a soft spot for each other.
However, if you are dependent on a person that you declare you love, you get defensive, vengeful, start calling that person every unmentionable under the sun, threaten their existence, do absolutely every single thing to destroy their lives because they have destroyed yours. Some people go to the point of doing illegal things and require a restraining order, others turn to alcohol and drug abuse and violence to both strangers and to those that they are dependent on, because they feel that the hurt will only go away if that can physically rid themselves of their anger. The dependent love, is not really a love at all... it's a narcissistic need to be a part of something, retain the life that they got used to and get out of the life they don't want to be in. They hold onto their dependent love in the hope they can get the life that they enjoyed back to where they were comfortable, even though when they were in that life, they showed no appreciation, no responsibility or no real love for the people or person that they supposedly loved.
I heard an interesting story the other day about a man who's mother left his father because he didn't fulfil her needs financially, sexually, emotionally and had an anger that was quite scary. His father couldn't cope that his mother told him to just 'go away.' He completely disappeared and left his children behind with no contact and no money because he couldn't cope with the loss. About 10 years later, the father decided to contact his kids as adults and apologise for his disappearance, hoping that he could rekindle his relationship with his kids and that he maybe able to swindle his way back into the life of his ex-wife. But the conversations always revolved about how he blamed his ex-wife for how horrible his life was now and how he wanted life to be back to the way he was used to. Twenty five years after they split, he was still going on about it, and he literally wasn't coping, so he ended up committing suicide. A few years after his suicide, his son's wife did the same to him. He didn't want history to repeat itself, but in some ways, he was doing exactly the same thing as what his father did... he didn't contact his kids, he didn't give them any money until he was forced to and he never sent them a present for their birthdays, and he only wanted to see them when he felt he was 'acceptable' in his children's eyes for him to be seen - that is, he would only see them if he had some money to spend on them or take them somewhere, because he was ashamed of where he was living and didn't want his children to see it. He started to have online relationships with other women, always complaining to them about how his ex-wife did the wrong thing by him, how much he loved his kids, but the women thought it was weird that he never showed photos of his kids, had them over when they were talking to him or did anything to show them how much he loved them. One of these women asked him, when did you think your marriage was really over? And he said, when the property settlement was over, that's when he was completely crushed. It wasn't when his wife told him where to go, it wasn't when she filed for divorce, it wasn't when he had a chance to contend the divorce in court and it wasn't when he forcibly tried to ruin his children's lives by taking every single little cent from his ex-wife for leaving him. No... it was when they had no financial attachment anymore.
I do think men and women react differently when their significant other choose to leave a relationship. Most women subconsciously can see all the signs that their relationship isn't working for them, they create opportunities for their men to do the right thing by them, but their men don't listen, they don't see the signs and they certainly don't make any effort to make their marriage a happier place to be. Men would prefer to be unhappy but attached, or having a play toy (an affair) and being attached rather than creating a permanent end to a relationship. It's like losing their Mummy. In Australia, 65% of all marriages ended were initiated by women, 30% of all marriages ended were a joint decision and 5% of all marriages ended were initiated by men. It just shows how much courage men don't have to get out of something that they aren't happy in, and it's usually the women who know that they will be financially worse off if they leave, but they would prefer to be happy than worry about how they will survive.
You have to be in the relationship to really know if there is a chance to rekindle or not. I guess it all comes down to your thoughts... if you can only think of the happy times you had with that person, then there is a chance that you may get back together or at least have a platonic relationship, but if you can only think of all the fighting, struggles, hurt and abuse, then you welcome the knowledge that you never want to be subjected to that relationship again.
When you love someone, no matter how hard the times have been between you, or the lack of possibilities to actually be together, and if the reasons for being apart are more practical than the love you have for your mate, you only think and feel loving thoughts for that person. You want the best for them, you worry about them, you only think of the good times you had with that person, and not the bad. You don't have vengeful thoughts, you communicate when you can with loving words and hope that one day, you will either be able to be fulfilled with the love of that person again in your everyday life, or that you find someone who supersedes the love you have for that person. You respect their wishes for parting ways, but let them know that you will always be there for them, as you cherished the time that you had with your beau. You can get on with your life without that person, even though you know your life would be more fulfilled with that person in your everyday life. You always have a place in your heart for them. Your intuition tells you that your time with that person may not be over, and you know that you may have to wait 5, 10 or even 20 years, but whenever you reunite again, you will with love and compassion. I had that with my first boyfriend... we were together at the age of 14 and 15 for 3 months, and we broke up for practical reasons (too much school work, living too far away from each other, etc), but we met up again 3 years later for a chat, then again 6 years after that, and then 12 years after that... and now we communicate regularly via email and Skype as platonic friends, but we have always had a soft spot for each other.
However, if you are dependent on a person that you declare you love, you get defensive, vengeful, start calling that person every unmentionable under the sun, threaten their existence, do absolutely every single thing to destroy their lives because they have destroyed yours. Some people go to the point of doing illegal things and require a restraining order, others turn to alcohol and drug abuse and violence to both strangers and to those that they are dependent on, because they feel that the hurt will only go away if that can physically rid themselves of their anger. The dependent love, is not really a love at all... it's a narcissistic need to be a part of something, retain the life that they got used to and get out of the life they don't want to be in. They hold onto their dependent love in the hope they can get the life that they enjoyed back to where they were comfortable, even though when they were in that life, they showed no appreciation, no responsibility or no real love for the people or person that they supposedly loved.
I heard an interesting story the other day about a man who's mother left his father because he didn't fulfil her needs financially, sexually, emotionally and had an anger that was quite scary. His father couldn't cope that his mother told him to just 'go away.' He completely disappeared and left his children behind with no contact and no money because he couldn't cope with the loss. About 10 years later, the father decided to contact his kids as adults and apologise for his disappearance, hoping that he could rekindle his relationship with his kids and that he maybe able to swindle his way back into the life of his ex-wife. But the conversations always revolved about how he blamed his ex-wife for how horrible his life was now and how he wanted life to be back to the way he was used to. Twenty five years after they split, he was still going on about it, and he literally wasn't coping, so he ended up committing suicide. A few years after his suicide, his son's wife did the same to him. He didn't want history to repeat itself, but in some ways, he was doing exactly the same thing as what his father did... he didn't contact his kids, he didn't give them any money until he was forced to and he never sent them a present for their birthdays, and he only wanted to see them when he felt he was 'acceptable' in his children's eyes for him to be seen - that is, he would only see them if he had some money to spend on them or take them somewhere, because he was ashamed of where he was living and didn't want his children to see it. He started to have online relationships with other women, always complaining to them about how his ex-wife did the wrong thing by him, how much he loved his kids, but the women thought it was weird that he never showed photos of his kids, had them over when they were talking to him or did anything to show them how much he loved them. One of these women asked him, when did you think your marriage was really over? And he said, when the property settlement was over, that's when he was completely crushed. It wasn't when his wife told him where to go, it wasn't when she filed for divorce, it wasn't when he had a chance to contend the divorce in court and it wasn't when he forcibly tried to ruin his children's lives by taking every single little cent from his ex-wife for leaving him. No... it was when they had no financial attachment anymore.
I do think men and women react differently when their significant other choose to leave a relationship. Most women subconsciously can see all the signs that their relationship isn't working for them, they create opportunities for their men to do the right thing by them, but their men don't listen, they don't see the signs and they certainly don't make any effort to make their marriage a happier place to be. Men would prefer to be unhappy but attached, or having a play toy (an affair) and being attached rather than creating a permanent end to a relationship. It's like losing their Mummy. In Australia, 65% of all marriages ended were initiated by women, 30% of all marriages ended were a joint decision and 5% of all marriages ended were initiated by men. It just shows how much courage men don't have to get out of something that they aren't happy in, and it's usually the women who know that they will be financially worse off if they leave, but they would prefer to be happy than worry about how they will survive.
You have to be in the relationship to really know if there is a chance to rekindle or not. I guess it all comes down to your thoughts... if you can only think of the happy times you had with that person, then there is a chance that you may get back together or at least have a platonic relationship, but if you can only think of all the fighting, struggles, hurt and abuse, then you welcome the knowledge that you never want to be subjected to that relationship again.
Monday, 1 October 2012
To Have Compassion or Not Have Compassion
.... that is the question.
I find those who have lived a relatively trouble free life, where they haven't had any major run ins with the law, never had to deal with a significant death in their lives where they feel hopeless without that person being there for them, or deal with the on-going civil battles of divorce or domestic violence, never had their freedom taken off them, or been traumatised by a natural disaster, never had death knocking on their door with a serious illness, or the trauma of a car accident, these people rarely have the compassion for those who reach out for help.
OK... so it might be a generalisation, but I've been noticing a small group of people who announce that they literally don't want to know your problems, sagas or woes... they want to rid negativity out of their lives, so anyone who mentions that they are depressed, suicidal, destitute or struggling in their lives in any way, they are not the people who want to know.
And it's sad, because human emotions, human tragedy and human desire are all the things that bring love into this world. It's the compassion people have for those less fortunate that makes this world a better place. And I will admit and now am very ashamed to say, that it wasn't that long ago, that I too used to think that if there was an earthquake in the middle of India that killed tens of thousands of people, I used to say that it was God's way of de-populating the world, or it was those people living in that area who had a choice to move away from their over-populated slums and find a better place to call home, but they didn't, so it was their fault that they died... but since I've travelled and seen what the world has to offer, spent time in third world villages, poor first world towns, and seen how they survive with what they have, sometimes you just wish you could join them in their simplicity and their family love because what they have is so beautiful.
My growth of realising my stupid thoughts has come through many life changing events. Seeing the good from giving to those who need - and giving could be giving money, giving time, giving an ear who listens or just giving a shoulder to cry, but also by not being blinkered by what's going on behind closed doors, and seeing despair in people's faces, seeing unwarranted bravery within their face or simply that they are frightened... But also seeing how much giving can be appreciated by those who are desperately in need. When living in St Kilda, we saw the sadness of the homeless going to the shelter for food every day, the smile of a beggar when you gave him a warm drink on a cold day, the spirit of the charity workers and how their warmth made the days of those less fortunate more bearable, something to look forward to. And yes, they are all strangers, but they all have hearts, they all feel hurt and they all need love. And if the smallest amount of compassion can come from inside your heart, in the shape of a knowing smile, a token coin, a warm blanket or an ear to listen to their stories, then you have touched someone's life.
And that's what I find is the best thing about just being there for other people, is their amazing stories. If you listen to the tales of their lives, find out how they come to be in the position that they are in, if its material wealth, homeless poverty, the village life or just a regular life, their lives are all intriguing. They all have a unique story to tell, and most even know how to laugh at themselves through their hard times. But you would never know, unless you showed some compassion to their cause, allowed them to open up to you and be a welcoming ear.
We do tend to judge the world upon our own standards... expecting that the rest of the world wants to live the same life as our own, or aim to be better by having more materialistic things, having more powerful jobs or having more choice by making more money. But most of that really doesn't matter, unless you have someone to love, and people around you who care. So I'm all for listening to people's happy stories, sad stories, complicated stories, tragic stories and stories that feel stuck because people find they have no meaning in their lives.
So to say that you only want to have a life that's filled with people with positive thoughts, materialistic goals and not show any care for those less fortunate or going through a personal crisis, to me, it's pure ignorance... we need balance in our lives, and balance comes from understanding ourselves and others, and not pigeon holing a small group of 'others' into the 'I'm not speaking to that person because they have issues' box. But when the ignorant do go through their own personal crisis or find themselves in a poverty stricken hole of debt that they just can't get out of, where will the compassionate, caring people who they left behind be... not by their side, will they?
It all goes back to the proverb, 'do to others as you'd want done to yourself.' Compassion is what makes this world go round, not ignorance...
I find those who have lived a relatively trouble free life, where they haven't had any major run ins with the law, never had to deal with a significant death in their lives where they feel hopeless without that person being there for them, or deal with the on-going civil battles of divorce or domestic violence, never had their freedom taken off them, or been traumatised by a natural disaster, never had death knocking on their door with a serious illness, or the trauma of a car accident, these people rarely have the compassion for those who reach out for help.
OK... so it might be a generalisation, but I've been noticing a small group of people who announce that they literally don't want to know your problems, sagas or woes... they want to rid negativity out of their lives, so anyone who mentions that they are depressed, suicidal, destitute or struggling in their lives in any way, they are not the people who want to know.
And it's sad, because human emotions, human tragedy and human desire are all the things that bring love into this world. It's the compassion people have for those less fortunate that makes this world a better place. And I will admit and now am very ashamed to say, that it wasn't that long ago, that I too used to think that if there was an earthquake in the middle of India that killed tens of thousands of people, I used to say that it was God's way of de-populating the world, or it was those people living in that area who had a choice to move away from their over-populated slums and find a better place to call home, but they didn't, so it was their fault that they died... but since I've travelled and seen what the world has to offer, spent time in third world villages, poor first world towns, and seen how they survive with what they have, sometimes you just wish you could join them in their simplicity and their family love because what they have is so beautiful.
My growth of realising my stupid thoughts has come through many life changing events. Seeing the good from giving to those who need - and giving could be giving money, giving time, giving an ear who listens or just giving a shoulder to cry, but also by not being blinkered by what's going on behind closed doors, and seeing despair in people's faces, seeing unwarranted bravery within their face or simply that they are frightened... But also seeing how much giving can be appreciated by those who are desperately in need. When living in St Kilda, we saw the sadness of the homeless going to the shelter for food every day, the smile of a beggar when you gave him a warm drink on a cold day, the spirit of the charity workers and how their warmth made the days of those less fortunate more bearable, something to look forward to. And yes, they are all strangers, but they all have hearts, they all feel hurt and they all need love. And if the smallest amount of compassion can come from inside your heart, in the shape of a knowing smile, a token coin, a warm blanket or an ear to listen to their stories, then you have touched someone's life.
And that's what I find is the best thing about just being there for other people, is their amazing stories. If you listen to the tales of their lives, find out how they come to be in the position that they are in, if its material wealth, homeless poverty, the village life or just a regular life, their lives are all intriguing. They all have a unique story to tell, and most even know how to laugh at themselves through their hard times. But you would never know, unless you showed some compassion to their cause, allowed them to open up to you and be a welcoming ear.
We do tend to judge the world upon our own standards... expecting that the rest of the world wants to live the same life as our own, or aim to be better by having more materialistic things, having more powerful jobs or having more choice by making more money. But most of that really doesn't matter, unless you have someone to love, and people around you who care. So I'm all for listening to people's happy stories, sad stories, complicated stories, tragic stories and stories that feel stuck because people find they have no meaning in their lives.
So to say that you only want to have a life that's filled with people with positive thoughts, materialistic goals and not show any care for those less fortunate or going through a personal crisis, to me, it's pure ignorance... we need balance in our lives, and balance comes from understanding ourselves and others, and not pigeon holing a small group of 'others' into the 'I'm not speaking to that person because they have issues' box. But when the ignorant do go through their own personal crisis or find themselves in a poverty stricken hole of debt that they just can't get out of, where will the compassionate, caring people who they left behind be... not by their side, will they?
It all goes back to the proverb, 'do to others as you'd want done to yourself.' Compassion is what makes this world go round, not ignorance...
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