Hands up all those who sleep in a king size bed? Why did you buy it? For the extra space? Because the kids like to sleep with you? Because you have pets who like to snuggle up to you? What is it that is so appealing about a king size bed...
To me, it's a symbol of separation. Unless you are over 6 foot tall, 6 foot wide or you have a Great Dane who shares your bed with you, there is no reason why 'happy couples' should have a king size bed.
Your bed should be a place of rest, relaxation and spiritual and sexual awareness. It's supposed to be a place of intimacy and love. How can a couple have that invigorating closeness if you are half a world away on the other side of the bed?
A king size bed is cold and heartless. The bed sheets are separated at the shoulders leaving gaping holes of cold air coming between you as you sleep. It gives you chills, it weakens your immune system, gives you sleep deprivation because you can't seem to get enough duvet to cover yourself as the blanket hog rips it over to the other side, and really, it makes you question the strength of your intimacy. While he's watching the football on television on one side of the bed, you get stuck into the latest James Patterson thriller on your side, and for some reason you don't interrupt each other, and you get complacent about the space. Where is the intimacy in that?
So, say sometimes you find yourselves together in the middle somewhere, or he invades your side, or you invade his. You have your hanky panky, roll over and there is a huge ocean full of bed that awaits you that's cold and uninviting and destroys the whole sense of passion and intimacy that you've just created. What's with that? Unless there's a massive wet spot that you both want to avoid, so you are happy to wander over and warm up the other side of the bed!
Ahh, maybe that's it - a king size bed is to avoid the wet spot! Or maybe half the fun is creating wet spots all over the oversized bed, making sure not one inch of 400 thread Egyptian cotton fitted sheet has not gone without some bodily juices!
To be honest, I'm not convinced. I'm happy with my queen size bed, that's warm and snuggly, within half an arm's reach of my lover (rather than a full reach and I still can't touch them), gives us the real opportunity to spoon, be able to wake up in the morning and feel him breathe on me, feel his touch, and know that we don't need to scooch over to 'be together' when we've made the entire bed feel warm, not just the place where our bodies have lain overnight.
So now you'll look at the king size bed differently... You won't be jealous of the luxury that a king size bed offers anymore, you'll be thinking about how strong the love of those who sleep in it, really is...
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Sunday, 9 October 2011
The unhappily married man...
When I split with my husband, I played with the anonymous internet dating websites. It wasn't that I was attracted to one status of man over another, however I managed to have the more interesting conversations with 'unhappily married men.'
Most of the men had been in their relationships, marriages, for fifteen plus years, but even though they were unhappy, they would prefer to have intimate conversation with a stranger than tell their fears and passions to their wives. But they wouldn't dare leave their wives, they wanted the unhappiness to continue, because they were too gutless to start a new life with shared custody of the kids, alimony, child support and a chance to find true happiness.
As I go through the turmoil of financial separation, child custody and the constant uneasiness of the whole situation, you can understand why it's hard for them to leave. Being the main bread-winner of a family is the worst position to be in in a family separation, and most of these men are in this position. The Family Court in Australia does not acknowledge that the other partner has a university degree, has the ability to make a decent income but doesn't because they want to persecute their former partner by making them pay for everything for the term of their children's childhood, and the Family Court expects that every each person in the relationship must live the same lifestyle they were accustomed to in the marriage. How is that actually ever possible?
So these men feel trapped in their marriages, trapped in an unhappiness of nagging, lost sexual appetites, routine and nothing to look forward to. So they get lost in their work, their kid's sporting activities while the conversations they have with their wives are monotonous and argumentative.
In Australia, the statistics are 60% of all marriages are broken up because the wife chooses to leave, with most wives knowing that they will be significantly worse off financially, 35% of all marriages are broken up as a joint decision, and only 5% of marriage failures are men leaving their marriages. I'm sure the statistics are similar in other westernised countries, however their seems to be harsher penalties for men who don't live up to their family responsibilities, including jail in the United States and the United Kingdom.
Beyond Blue, Australia's main charity for depression, states that one of the symptoms of depression is living in a long-term abusive or uncaring relationship. So you can understand why these men stay in their demoralising marriages, become depressed and start to cheat to make themselves feel desirable again. They choose between going down the spiralling vortex into a deeper depression, or find a new happy place to ensure they don't become depressed. I'm not saying that I agree with what they do, I just can understand how they get there... because I was the main breadwinner in my marriage, I was treated with no respect and I was constantly demoralised, and some how I thought that the Family Court would commend me for being the financially responsible one and for being the parent who stuck by my children when their father didn't want to spend time with them or contact them. But they don't.
So behind all the walls of illusion, there are probably many unhappy marriages between your friends and family, most that go unspoken. But if you really care about your friend or family member and notice a change in their behaviour, change in their attitude or change in how they interact with their partner, be the best friend you can be, and just ask them how things are going, show that you care. Because talking about it is the first step to future happiness.
Most of the men had been in their relationships, marriages, for fifteen plus years, but even though they were unhappy, they would prefer to have intimate conversation with a stranger than tell their fears and passions to their wives. But they wouldn't dare leave their wives, they wanted the unhappiness to continue, because they were too gutless to start a new life with shared custody of the kids, alimony, child support and a chance to find true happiness.
As I go through the turmoil of financial separation, child custody and the constant uneasiness of the whole situation, you can understand why it's hard for them to leave. Being the main bread-winner of a family is the worst position to be in in a family separation, and most of these men are in this position. The Family Court in Australia does not acknowledge that the other partner has a university degree, has the ability to make a decent income but doesn't because they want to persecute their former partner by making them pay for everything for the term of their children's childhood, and the Family Court expects that every each person in the relationship must live the same lifestyle they were accustomed to in the marriage. How is that actually ever possible?
So these men feel trapped in their marriages, trapped in an unhappiness of nagging, lost sexual appetites, routine and nothing to look forward to. So they get lost in their work, their kid's sporting activities while the conversations they have with their wives are monotonous and argumentative.
In Australia, the statistics are 60% of all marriages are broken up because the wife chooses to leave, with most wives knowing that they will be significantly worse off financially, 35% of all marriages are broken up as a joint decision, and only 5% of marriage failures are men leaving their marriages. I'm sure the statistics are similar in other westernised countries, however their seems to be harsher penalties for men who don't live up to their family responsibilities, including jail in the United States and the United Kingdom.
Beyond Blue, Australia's main charity for depression, states that one of the symptoms of depression is living in a long-term abusive or uncaring relationship. So you can understand why these men stay in their demoralising marriages, become depressed and start to cheat to make themselves feel desirable again. They choose between going down the spiralling vortex into a deeper depression, or find a new happy place to ensure they don't become depressed. I'm not saying that I agree with what they do, I just can understand how they get there... because I was the main breadwinner in my marriage, I was treated with no respect and I was constantly demoralised, and some how I thought that the Family Court would commend me for being the financially responsible one and for being the parent who stuck by my children when their father didn't want to spend time with them or contact them. But they don't.
So behind all the walls of illusion, there are probably many unhappy marriages between your friends and family, most that go unspoken. But if you really care about your friend or family member and notice a change in their behaviour, change in their attitude or change in how they interact with their partner, be the best friend you can be, and just ask them how things are going, show that you care. Because talking about it is the first step to future happiness.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Do You Ever Think if You Did Something Differently?
Was there every a time that you wished you took a different turn in life, how different would you life be now? What was that definitive point?
For me, I was accepted into two different universities. One in Melbourne, the one I took; the other in New South Wales. I applied to interstate courses because I was desperate to be away from the constraints of what I felt then, was the disciplinary ways of my parents. I'd just spent four years travelling an hour to school each way giving me endless freedom to 'miss a train' or two to catch up with friends instead of going home. I couldn't revert back to a life of restraint and knowing or explaining my whereabouts every minute of every day. I just knew I needed to start living my life, for me.
The degree I was offered in New South Wales, was a Bachelor in Communications. I'd already spent a week in Sydney with a friend of mine in the middle of my final year of school, checking out the Australian Film, Television and Radio School, because I wanted to get into their prestigious Commercial Radio training course, but I applied for other courses in Communications and Media Studies if that fell through. I had to audition to get into the Commercial Radio training course and actually got to the second stage, but unfortunately didn't get through.
I was keen to do the Communications degree and thought about all the logistics in moving up, the cost of living, getting a job, etc to make it happen. But then I met the future husband, started doing some promotional work for a commercial radio station with some radio celebrities in Melbourne and around Victoria, and the Melbourne Bachelor of Arts with a major in Media Studies all of a sudden became more appealing.
So what would have happened if I took the Communications course? How would life be different? I know I would be a stronger person because I would have had to fend for myself. But, that's something I could speculate till the cows come home.
The other thing that was a definitive point in my life that should have changed my course of action, was when my 'then husband' confessed how scared he was becoming a father. He was afraid that he would be like his own father, and he wouldn't know how to control his temper, what to do with a baby, what to do with them when they were older... I just didn't listen. He didn't want them, but I was so desperate to be a mother, and I wanted the two kids I dreamed about before I was thirty. It should have been my cue to get out of the relationship because we wanted different things, but I kept pursuing it because I was scared of being alone, I wasn't strong enough to be able to see that I was being taken advantage of. I was also scared of not being loved.
I now realise that I had my boys to be loved unconditionally, and having them now, I have no regrets in the path I took. Life has dealt me some heavy blows, but I now believe I have the strength to deal with doing it on my own. It's still hard because there is still so much uncertainty, but I know I can do it, because that's the path I'm destined to live. And that's what I have to believe...
For me, I was accepted into two different universities. One in Melbourne, the one I took; the other in New South Wales. I applied to interstate courses because I was desperate to be away from the constraints of what I felt then, was the disciplinary ways of my parents. I'd just spent four years travelling an hour to school each way giving me endless freedom to 'miss a train' or two to catch up with friends instead of going home. I couldn't revert back to a life of restraint and knowing or explaining my whereabouts every minute of every day. I just knew I needed to start living my life, for me.
The degree I was offered in New South Wales, was a Bachelor in Communications. I'd already spent a week in Sydney with a friend of mine in the middle of my final year of school, checking out the Australian Film, Television and Radio School, because I wanted to get into their prestigious Commercial Radio training course, but I applied for other courses in Communications and Media Studies if that fell through. I had to audition to get into the Commercial Radio training course and actually got to the second stage, but unfortunately didn't get through.
I was keen to do the Communications degree and thought about all the logistics in moving up, the cost of living, getting a job, etc to make it happen. But then I met the future husband, started doing some promotional work for a commercial radio station with some radio celebrities in Melbourne and around Victoria, and the Melbourne Bachelor of Arts with a major in Media Studies all of a sudden became more appealing.
So what would have happened if I took the Communications course? How would life be different? I know I would be a stronger person because I would have had to fend for myself. But, that's something I could speculate till the cows come home.
The other thing that was a definitive point in my life that should have changed my course of action, was when my 'then husband' confessed how scared he was becoming a father. He was afraid that he would be like his own father, and he wouldn't know how to control his temper, what to do with a baby, what to do with them when they were older... I just didn't listen. He didn't want them, but I was so desperate to be a mother, and I wanted the two kids I dreamed about before I was thirty. It should have been my cue to get out of the relationship because we wanted different things, but I kept pursuing it because I was scared of being alone, I wasn't strong enough to be able to see that I was being taken advantage of. I was also scared of not being loved.
I now realise that I had my boys to be loved unconditionally, and having them now, I have no regrets in the path I took. Life has dealt me some heavy blows, but I now believe I have the strength to deal with doing it on my own. It's still hard because there is still so much uncertainty, but I know I can do it, because that's the path I'm destined to live. And that's what I have to believe...
Friday, 7 October 2011
Finally.... I get to spend some quality time with my boys in the school holidays
It only took till the last two days of the holidays. Well actually, I did manage to take them to a movie on the first weekend, but since then, it's been work work work for me, a few playdates with friends, and a lot of TV, Wii and jumping on the trampoline in between for them.
On Thursday night, I took them to see 'Real Steel' - the Hugh Jackman movie about boxing robots. I was not too excited about seeing it, as I'm not really into boxing and robots ain't my thing, but I thought - 'No, this is for the boys, and this is what they want to do.' So we went - and I loved it!! There was a very cool 11 year old boy in the film who is originally rejected by his father (Hugh Jackman), but has the courage to make a stance and tell him that he is going with his Dad on the road to fight the boxing robots. As we only had 20 minutes before the movie started at 6.30pm, I grabbed a bowl of chips from the local Deli to take us through to the end of the movie, which was actually quite long (2 hours 7 minutes + previews). After the movie, we went to see if the local fish n chip shop was still open, but it wasn't, so we went back to the Deli and grabbed some normal dinner and talked about how cool the movie was.
On Wednesday, it was looking like I could have a 'free-from-work' day on Friday to spend with the boys. I asked them what they wanted to do and the choice was mini-golf. At 5.30pm Thursday, I get a last minute job to see for Friday (which annoyed me to no end), but I managed to make the appointment time for 7.45am, and had it written up by 9.15am, so I could dedicate some more time to the boys. But then I had accounts to do, approvals to get and appointments to make for next week, taking me to close to midday before I was finished.
I wanted to find a new place for mini-golf, so I went to the internet and discovered 'glow in the dark' mini golf in the Docklands. Why not? A little adventure into a part of the city we've never ventured before. We jumped on a bus that took us to Moorabbin train station rather than our normal Sandringham line, grabbed a toasted sandwich at the station kiosk, and jumped on the train to the city. It was a little bit of a walk to the Docklands from Southern Cross station, but it was nice spotting the marble seagull, the spotted cow in the tree and the luxury boats on the waterfront.
We couldn't believe how quiet the Docklands were. It was like a ghost town of shops trying to stay open. We eventually found our way to Harbourtown, where Black Light Mini Golf can be found on the first level. They had a distinctive Australian theme of the Barrier Reef, an outback dunny, a rusted up Kingswood and the rainforests, to name a few. The putters and golf balls glowed, as did our clothes and plenty of the obstacles. There were 'spinners' on some of the holes that allowed you to get advantages over your opponents, but also disadvantages... here is Kurtis taking advantage of blocking Nick on the obstacle course around the snake.
On Thursday night, I took them to see 'Real Steel' - the Hugh Jackman movie about boxing robots. I was not too excited about seeing it, as I'm not really into boxing and robots ain't my thing, but I thought - 'No, this is for the boys, and this is what they want to do.' So we went - and I loved it!! There was a very cool 11 year old boy in the film who is originally rejected by his father (Hugh Jackman), but has the courage to make a stance and tell him that he is going with his Dad on the road to fight the boxing robots. As we only had 20 minutes before the movie started at 6.30pm, I grabbed a bowl of chips from the local Deli to take us through to the end of the movie, which was actually quite long (2 hours 7 minutes + previews). After the movie, we went to see if the local fish n chip shop was still open, but it wasn't, so we went back to the Deli and grabbed some normal dinner and talked about how cool the movie was.
On Wednesday, it was looking like I could have a 'free-from-work' day on Friday to spend with the boys. I asked them what they wanted to do and the choice was mini-golf. At 5.30pm Thursday, I get a last minute job to see for Friday (which annoyed me to no end), but I managed to make the appointment time for 7.45am, and had it written up by 9.15am, so I could dedicate some more time to the boys. But then I had accounts to do, approvals to get and appointments to make for next week, taking me to close to midday before I was finished.
I wanted to find a new place for mini-golf, so I went to the internet and discovered 'glow in the dark' mini golf in the Docklands. Why not? A little adventure into a part of the city we've never ventured before. We jumped on a bus that took us to Moorabbin train station rather than our normal Sandringham line, grabbed a toasted sandwich at the station kiosk, and jumped on the train to the city. It was a little bit of a walk to the Docklands from Southern Cross station, but it was nice spotting the marble seagull, the spotted cow in the tree and the luxury boats on the waterfront.
We couldn't believe how quiet the Docklands were. It was like a ghost town of shops trying to stay open. We eventually found our way to Harbourtown, where Black Light Mini Golf can be found on the first level. They had a distinctive Australian theme of the Barrier Reef, an outback dunny, a rusted up Kingswood and the rainforests, to name a few. The putters and golf balls glowed, as did our clothes and plenty of the obstacles. There were 'spinners' on some of the holes that allowed you to get advantages over your opponents, but also disadvantages... here is Kurtis taking advantage of blocking Nick on the obstacle course around the snake.
This outback outhouse has a peeking hole and some funny sound effects.
The beaten up Kingswood somehow takes your ball, but gives it back to you.
So it was a fun adventure, where somehow I lost the game and Kurtis won a handsome defeat.
We then walked around Harbourtown looking at some of the shops and grabbed a milkshake, before setting off home on a pre-peak hour train.
So, that was our time together... I just wish I could give them more.
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Trust Issues
Single parents who have sole custody, possibly get the rawest deal. You are the only bread-winner, you are the primary carer, you are the chief housekeeper, the household accountant and somehow, you need to keep your head together and your chin up. There's rarely a day to have a social life outside the life of your children, and there is absolutely no time to find a new chance in love. But then there are other things that complicate the scenario.
You split with your ex for a reason - somewhere along the line, your trust was compromised. For me, it was the unfathomable lies and unfulfilled promises that made me realise that I couldn't trust him anymore. There were other trust issues that I won't go into, but if there isn't 'trust', there isn't a relationship. And it's hard to find the trust again in a relationship. You become cynical of people's intentions (or lack of intentions) because you open up your heart to anyone who will listen, because you don't have anyone on your side anymore. You are your right, left, good, bad and indifferent sides all in one. Who do you turn to to confide in?
Some have their parents, a sibling or a best friend. But even those people turn on you.... they freely offer you their judgment calls, but ultimately, as a single parent, you are the chief decision maker. You are the one who has to make the decision to buy the car, choose a home for your children, choose which school they go to. You want to confide in someone to feel that you are making the right decision, but you find it hard to confide when everyone around you is batting you down with their judgment calls. So you stop doing it, because you feel that you're doing nothing right by yourself or your kids, because no one is accepting what you want to do. Some feel it's daunting, other's feel it's liberating. And once you have that freedom in being the chief decision maker, it's very hard to hand it over or share the load with someone else again, because you've lost all sense in trust.
But sometimes it's all too overwhelming, and you want to depend on someone. You want to be hugged, you want to have some attention, you want to be treated as a person - not a workhorse, disciplinarian, provider or care-giver. You need to be looked after to, and essentially be given a break. But everyone else is busy in their lives, and you are forgotten.
Every now and again, a spark of help arrives on your doorstep. Someone of family closeness, with a public reputation of being a leader in their field, takes a stand and offers you their help in a professional capacity to help you move on. Someone who you've always leant on as caring, older, wiser uncle figure who you could tell many things that you wouldn't tell your parents, and know that your secret was safe with them. You feel, at last you have a break. Someone is listening, someone of importance who could help sway things your way. You tell them your story, open up, start to trust again... and they turn their back on you, explaining that its not really their field of expertise so they really can't help.
As a single parent, do you have to guard yourself from gullibility? Keep your cards close to your chest and remember that the only person in the world who actually cares for you is 'you?' Do you protect your children from being hurt emotionally from those who pretend to care, because when you really need help, no one is there, so you teach them that they have to rely on themselves and no one else. It's cynical, hurtful, trying and exhausting, because not even the legal system, the education system and the government can be trusted to give you the help you desperately need.
So for all those who know a single mum or dad who's doing it all on their own (no financial help from the children's other parent, no help from immediate family, no help from the government), spare a thought for them and how difficult it is for them to trust again.
You split with your ex for a reason - somewhere along the line, your trust was compromised. For me, it was the unfathomable lies and unfulfilled promises that made me realise that I couldn't trust him anymore. There were other trust issues that I won't go into, but if there isn't 'trust', there isn't a relationship. And it's hard to find the trust again in a relationship. You become cynical of people's intentions (or lack of intentions) because you open up your heart to anyone who will listen, because you don't have anyone on your side anymore. You are your right, left, good, bad and indifferent sides all in one. Who do you turn to to confide in?
Some have their parents, a sibling or a best friend. But even those people turn on you.... they freely offer you their judgment calls, but ultimately, as a single parent, you are the chief decision maker. You are the one who has to make the decision to buy the car, choose a home for your children, choose which school they go to. You want to confide in someone to feel that you are making the right decision, but you find it hard to confide when everyone around you is batting you down with their judgment calls. So you stop doing it, because you feel that you're doing nothing right by yourself or your kids, because no one is accepting what you want to do. Some feel it's daunting, other's feel it's liberating. And once you have that freedom in being the chief decision maker, it's very hard to hand it over or share the load with someone else again, because you've lost all sense in trust.
But sometimes it's all too overwhelming, and you want to depend on someone. You want to be hugged, you want to have some attention, you want to be treated as a person - not a workhorse, disciplinarian, provider or care-giver. You need to be looked after to, and essentially be given a break. But everyone else is busy in their lives, and you are forgotten.
Every now and again, a spark of help arrives on your doorstep. Someone of family closeness, with a public reputation of being a leader in their field, takes a stand and offers you their help in a professional capacity to help you move on. Someone who you've always leant on as caring, older, wiser uncle figure who you could tell many things that you wouldn't tell your parents, and know that your secret was safe with them. You feel, at last you have a break. Someone is listening, someone of importance who could help sway things your way. You tell them your story, open up, start to trust again... and they turn their back on you, explaining that its not really their field of expertise so they really can't help.
As a single parent, do you have to guard yourself from gullibility? Keep your cards close to your chest and remember that the only person in the world who actually cares for you is 'you?' Do you protect your children from being hurt emotionally from those who pretend to care, because when you really need help, no one is there, so you teach them that they have to rely on themselves and no one else. It's cynical, hurtful, trying and exhausting, because not even the legal system, the education system and the government can be trusted to give you the help you desperately need.
So for all those who know a single mum or dad who's doing it all on their own (no financial help from the children's other parent, no help from immediate family, no help from the government), spare a thought for them and how difficult it is for them to trust again.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Finding your true happiness...
When life feels like it's at its tether's end and you can't see the light, it's funny, but somehow your true happiness will shine through the murky uncertainty.
It's currently school holidays... My juggling has been a real task when I still need to work, give my kids some attention, deal with selling up everything, feeling sick with stress and you're doing it all on my own. My kids are fighting, playing, annoying each other, helping around the house and sometimes getting a little break from each other with an invitation to go to a friend's house. Most the time they keep each other company and play well together, but sometimes the whinging and whining gets all too much. But it's the little things that know that you're doing the right thing as a mum, and it supersedes all the overwhelming stuff.
Last Friday night we went out for dinner and it had been raining all day. I found a parking space quite close to the entrance so we could do the big bolt to the car when we were leaving. The boys had a nice dinner, a play in the kid's play area, made themselves a soft-serve ice-cream and were ready to go within an hour. As we stepped out, the rain was pelting down, with the droplets as big as elephant's tears. I had had the car detailed the day before, and I didn't want the boys to get inside the car wet and muddy, so I told them to stay at the covered entrance, I will get the car, and then they can get in, with minimal 'wetness.' As I was about to make my way through the hazy damp H20 missiles, my 8 year old son started to take off his jacket to give to me so that I could cover my head so it wouldn't get wet... just like a true gentleman. A truly proud moment, knowing that he knew how to be considerate and caring to others.
A couple of months ago, I bought the boys some guinea pigs so they could get used to caring and being responsible for a pet. At first, the boys were a little apprehensive with picking them up and petting them, but now they understand their personalities and needs more. Today, little Johnny escaped out of my 8 year old's hands before he could get him in the cage. He hid under the cage, moving around so not to be caught. Eventually, with many hands trapping him into a corner, we caught him to put him back into his home. My 10 year old said 'Johnny's annoying. He's always escaping. Where Speedy is always good.' My 8 year old, who is the official owner of Johnny, said 'Yes, he's annoying like me, and cheeky like me too!' Admittedly, the guinea pigs' personalities are exactly the same as their individual owners. And it's just good to see that my boys are recognising it, and gaining happiness from it.
So for me, my happiness is seeing my boys happy and knowing right from wrong. My other happiness is spending time with my beautiful lover who makes me feel that everything will be OK, and inspires and encourages me to be and stay strong. For me, it's spending time with the people I truly love. I will get through the miserable heartache that I left 2 years ago to move onto a better life, but it's just a matter of time before someone puts a stop to 'him' hurting me and the boys anymore. You have to find the clarity in where your happiness is to make every day worth while, otherwise you just spiral into a vortex of depression, and you can't be any good to those who need you the most. And that's where your focus must be... on those who need you...
It's currently school holidays... My juggling has been a real task when I still need to work, give my kids some attention, deal with selling up everything, feeling sick with stress and you're doing it all on my own. My kids are fighting, playing, annoying each other, helping around the house and sometimes getting a little break from each other with an invitation to go to a friend's house. Most the time they keep each other company and play well together, but sometimes the whinging and whining gets all too much. But it's the little things that know that you're doing the right thing as a mum, and it supersedes all the overwhelming stuff.
Last Friday night we went out for dinner and it had been raining all day. I found a parking space quite close to the entrance so we could do the big bolt to the car when we were leaving. The boys had a nice dinner, a play in the kid's play area, made themselves a soft-serve ice-cream and were ready to go within an hour. As we stepped out, the rain was pelting down, with the droplets as big as elephant's tears. I had had the car detailed the day before, and I didn't want the boys to get inside the car wet and muddy, so I told them to stay at the covered entrance, I will get the car, and then they can get in, with minimal 'wetness.' As I was about to make my way through the hazy damp H20 missiles, my 8 year old son started to take off his jacket to give to me so that I could cover my head so it wouldn't get wet... just like a true gentleman. A truly proud moment, knowing that he knew how to be considerate and caring to others.
A couple of months ago, I bought the boys some guinea pigs so they could get used to caring and being responsible for a pet. At first, the boys were a little apprehensive with picking them up and petting them, but now they understand their personalities and needs more. Today, little Johnny escaped out of my 8 year old's hands before he could get him in the cage. He hid under the cage, moving around so not to be caught. Eventually, with many hands trapping him into a corner, we caught him to put him back into his home. My 10 year old said 'Johnny's annoying. He's always escaping. Where Speedy is always good.' My 8 year old, who is the official owner of Johnny, said 'Yes, he's annoying like me, and cheeky like me too!' Admittedly, the guinea pigs' personalities are exactly the same as their individual owners. And it's just good to see that my boys are recognising it, and gaining happiness from it.
So for me, my happiness is seeing my boys happy and knowing right from wrong. My other happiness is spending time with my beautiful lover who makes me feel that everything will be OK, and inspires and encourages me to be and stay strong. For me, it's spending time with the people I truly love. I will get through the miserable heartache that I left 2 years ago to move onto a better life, but it's just a matter of time before someone puts a stop to 'him' hurting me and the boys anymore. You have to find the clarity in where your happiness is to make every day worth while, otherwise you just spiral into a vortex of depression, and you can't be any good to those who need you the most. And that's where your focus must be... on those who need you...
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Simple Pleasures...
After a strenuous and stressful week of an excessive workload, coming to the realisation that I have to sell everything and my boys on school holidays (which didn't help when the wettest September day hit Melbourne in almost a century), it was time to have some very quiet 'me' time.
To balance out the stress, I've booked myself into Yoga classes for the next few weeks and a fortnightly massage with the lovely Jennifer Berridge at Karma Studio. Karma Studio is a place I observed from afar for eight years, always intriguing me by it's busy corner position and it's calming garden charm. Once inside, the outside noise dissipates and the aromatic smells within, the lush garden views and the instant feeling of feeling like you're 'spiritually' home is just mesmerising. It's definitely something to look forward to being in that presence every week...
As for today, I rose out of bed at 7.45am (6.45am pre-daylight savings time) to start mulching my garden and planting some plants. I had 3.5 cubic metres of mulch to cart around and disperse throughout my garden to tidy it up to sell. I planted some herbs in a boxed off garden bed, and some blue native grasses to offset my blue/grey fence. I put some decked steppers in and mulched away. I'd almost finished at 10am when my boys woke up - just the top garden to go. I was pleasantly surprised at my achievement with my $10 bucket from Bunnings (a wheelbarrow wouldn't have done because I had a couple of steps to deal with). It was nice working at that time of the morning when the air was still crisp and the sun hadn't touched that side of my house yet. The surrounding sounds were a few fleeting birds flying by and the mulch entering the plastic bucket as I raked it in with my hands. The garden was covered by 11am (as my sons' attempts to help slowed the process down), but I still had half the mulch left and it had to go, due to it being dumped in a public laneway. So after a small break, oiling the deck and getting my boys ready to see their father, I spent the next two hours moving the remaining mulch around the garden to create more cushioning and reducing the chances of weeds to poke their heads through. By 1.30pm I had finished... and that's when my simple pleasures began.
I was filthy, so I jumped in the bath and started reading a book I was approximately half way through. I added some bath salts and had the temperature just right. I could feel my body starting to ache from being physical, but it was an exhilarating ache, which always made me feel good. After about half an hour, I jumped out of the bath, grabbed something to eat, and felt the urge to keep reading. I couldn't do it on the back deck, something I always liked to do in the sun, because it was newly oiled, so I found the next best place... my son's west-facing bedroom lying on his bed with the sun streaming through the window.
It brought me back... to my childhood, where the two bedrooms I had growing up where both west facing. Where I always had the hottest room in the house and my bed was always up against the window so I could lie on it reading, listening to music, writing to friends, whatever it was, in the warmth of the sun. So today, I read.... indulging in a hot chocolate and a bowl of M&Ms (I was allowed to, because I'd worked so hard in the garden!) reading the remaining 190 pages to finish my book, in a quiet house with no one interrupting. It was nice, and just what I needed to regain my inner being.
The boys are now home, ready to do their school holiday thing in sleeping on the couch watching television till they pass out, and I'm in the quiet of my own room ready to indulge in some more escapism, this time on the small screen. Sometimes, you just need days like this...
To balance out the stress, I've booked myself into Yoga classes for the next few weeks and a fortnightly massage with the lovely Jennifer Berridge at Karma Studio. Karma Studio is a place I observed from afar for eight years, always intriguing me by it's busy corner position and it's calming garden charm. Once inside, the outside noise dissipates and the aromatic smells within, the lush garden views and the instant feeling of feeling like you're 'spiritually' home is just mesmerising. It's definitely something to look forward to being in that presence every week...
As for today, I rose out of bed at 7.45am (6.45am pre-daylight savings time) to start mulching my garden and planting some plants. I had 3.5 cubic metres of mulch to cart around and disperse throughout my garden to tidy it up to sell. I planted some herbs in a boxed off garden bed, and some blue native grasses to offset my blue/grey fence. I put some decked steppers in and mulched away. I'd almost finished at 10am when my boys woke up - just the top garden to go. I was pleasantly surprised at my achievement with my $10 bucket from Bunnings (a wheelbarrow wouldn't have done because I had a couple of steps to deal with). It was nice working at that time of the morning when the air was still crisp and the sun hadn't touched that side of my house yet. The surrounding sounds were a few fleeting birds flying by and the mulch entering the plastic bucket as I raked it in with my hands. The garden was covered by 11am (as my sons' attempts to help slowed the process down), but I still had half the mulch left and it had to go, due to it being dumped in a public laneway. So after a small break, oiling the deck and getting my boys ready to see their father, I spent the next two hours moving the remaining mulch around the garden to create more cushioning and reducing the chances of weeds to poke their heads through. By 1.30pm I had finished... and that's when my simple pleasures began.
I was filthy, so I jumped in the bath and started reading a book I was approximately half way through. I added some bath salts and had the temperature just right. I could feel my body starting to ache from being physical, but it was an exhilarating ache, which always made me feel good. After about half an hour, I jumped out of the bath, grabbed something to eat, and felt the urge to keep reading. I couldn't do it on the back deck, something I always liked to do in the sun, because it was newly oiled, so I found the next best place... my son's west-facing bedroom lying on his bed with the sun streaming through the window.
It brought me back... to my childhood, where the two bedrooms I had growing up where both west facing. Where I always had the hottest room in the house and my bed was always up against the window so I could lie on it reading, listening to music, writing to friends, whatever it was, in the warmth of the sun. So today, I read.... indulging in a hot chocolate and a bowl of M&Ms (I was allowed to, because I'd worked so hard in the garden!) reading the remaining 190 pages to finish my book, in a quiet house with no one interrupting. It was nice, and just what I needed to regain my inner being.
The boys are now home, ready to do their school holiday thing in sleeping on the couch watching television till they pass out, and I'm in the quiet of my own room ready to indulge in some more escapism, this time on the small screen. Sometimes, you just need days like this...
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