Knowing Who Your True Friends Are...

Life gives us tests. Tests that can break us or make us stronger. As we have friends - friends who can break us or make us stronger. Some friends point out our weaknesses in a drunken fury, other friends show us their love and appreciation for us under the same intoxicating spell. Some friends always seem to need something from you, but when you ask for something in return, they can't give back with the same enthusiasm and capacity as you've given to them. But true friends help you, guide you and make you laugh out loud when you feel that your life can get no worse.

The reason why there has been a lack of posts of late, is that I've had a fairly tumultuous time in recent weeks that stop me from writing in my positive 'go-gether' ways. And it's been the true friends who have shone for me these last few weeks, even above their own problems that in their own way, are monumental in their own lives: Husbands losing jobs, husbands taking on short-term jobs interstate, wives going through pregnancy, friends packing to move permanently interstate, friends losing family members... everyone seems to be going through some type of life-changing moment, but they are the ones who are there to support me, check up on me, make me smile and make me forget about my woes.

And the funny thing is, some friends are friendships that have been rekindled through Facebook from high school years, some are old flames and some are friends who just seem to have popped out of no where and created a brand new bond over the last couple of years through my boys, through work and through the internet. Some live around the corner, some live interstate, and some live overseas. Everyone is so different, so kind and so generous of their time.  

So in this public forum, I would love to Thank You all for being there, some every couple of days, some daily, some twice daily or even more, for being the best 'family' of friends a single mum could have. Thank You!

9/11

It was one of those moments in your life that you say 'where were you when you first heard about...?' Like when Princess Diana died, when John Lennon died, when Michael Jackson died... the pivotal moments that make you realise that no one is invincible. They make you do a double check on your own life - make you see if you can be a better person, see if you can contribute to those less fortunate, see if you can enjoy the special moments just that little bit more, make you appreciate your life more.

So where was I when I first heard about the tragedy? It happened at around 11pm the night before and I didn't hear about it until the radio came on the next morning around 6.30am. I had a seven week old baby, so I was deliriously tired and focused only on the care of my baby and my business. But there was a tone in the radio announcers voice that was eerie. Something bad had happened, something beyond repair. Through the rambling of words like 'plane,' 'America,' 'shock,' 'Tower One,' 'Tower Two,' 'deaths' and 'tragedy' I could only piece together that something equivalent to a 21st century war had broken out on American soil, something we could only imagine in the movies. I turned on the television to make sense of it all visually. I saw the impact of the first plane on the tower and thought of it as an accidental tragedy, but with the view of the second plane flying directly into the second tower, I, as all did, saw it as a deliberate act of terrorism that was the beginning of uncertainty for all westerners, all allies of the United States.

What had I brought my baby into? What kind of world would he live in?

But there was more - the attack on the Pentagon and the plane that was forced into a field in Pennsylvania destined for the United States Capitol. When would it end? It was terrifying not knowing if we would hear of another tragedy after another. It was possibly the most humbling times of my and many others lifetime.

So ten years later, what have we learnt? To accept every day like it could be our last. To enjoy the small moments, to not be dominated by finances but by the people who mean the most to us. To experience life to the fullest. To enjoy nature more. To find what your heart and soul love the most. Maybe 9/11 was a blessing in disguise for most in western society to stop, think and to take life by the horns to find happiness.

So in terms of 9/11 affecting my every day, it is most noticeable when I travel, especially to the United States. Homeland Security makes me strip down to my bare necessities, scanning all my personal items in front of a stream of strangers and law enforcers. For me, I feel it's not an inconvenience, it's my duty to ensure that their country stays safe (as I do when I re-enter Australia). It's what I need to do to enjoy the privilege of traveling.

In terms of how it's affected people as a global entity, there is no doubt that the world's economy has taken an almighty blow from the combination of extensive spending on military to ensure safety and peace within our communities and people choosing 'lifestyle' over financial responsibilities. We value communication more than ever through the means of cell phones, video chatting and the internet to keep those we love closest to us. We have a greater appreciation for the sacrifices the military and their families go through. We take better care for ourselves which is more noticeable with the ever-increasing   influx of those making trips to the doctor, health farms, having regular massages, attending support groups and doing spiritual bodily exercises like yoga and tai-chi to better our wellbeing. Our values have changed, however we do 'want it all' more than ever.

So take some time out this 9/11 and think of those who sacrificed so much to give us the peace and freedom in our lives to 'choose.' As so many people in this world don't have that luxury.

Big feet

Went shoe-shopping for my 10-year old son last night.

If anyone knows him, and has known him for a while, he has always been my little 'Tigger.' From the day I can remember, he was so strong in the legs and happiest when standing on your lap as a baby bouncing away on the tips of his toes. He started walking around furniture at 6 months, and bolted from a fridge holding a magnet taking about twenty-steps in a row so no one would take his magnet from him at 11.5 months - his official start to walking, but really it was running.

Since then, his kinder teachers were always concerned about his toe-walking. We tried to get him to 'heel down' because we were concerned that he'd shorten the tendons in his calves as he was developing, but it was such a struggle to get him out of his habit.

The good thing about it is that he's always on his 'toes' in sport. Ready to go for the ball in soccer, tennis and hockey. He runs well in the sand at the beach and he has a spring in his step for things like long jump and high jump.

The bad thing is, he goes through a pair of shoes every 3 months or less. And I mean 'goes through them.' He has been known to wear away the soles of his shoes right through three layers of rubber at the ball of his foot, just below his toes in four weeks. The stitching for his shoes around his toes show weakness within two-three weeks of being new and can be generally destroyed with 8-10 weeks (some last a little longer).  I usually buy him runners that have a reinforced toe, made of leather and none of this hi-tech breathing mesh that runners are so famous for now. Last year, he ended up getting a fungal disease on his feet that is so rare, it is usually found on those in the military tramping through the jungles of Vietnam, and the medication to treat it wasn't available with a government subsidy. So we now have to make sure he's always in 100% cotton socks.

So, as you can imagine, shoe shopping has to be 'right' for him. I can't buy cheap shoes knowing that they won't last long, I need to buy the right shoes. Last night, we went to the mall and noticed my favourite adventure shop had a up to 40% off sale. I knew they sold kids shoes, so I thought we would check them out. The kids shoes were on sale for $79.95, down from $120 so I honed in on them. The sales assistant asked me what size shoe he was... I said I think either a 5 or a 6. She said that the kids shoes only go up to a 5, he would need to go into a women's shoe, she whispered.

The display women's shoe was an 8.5. He puts it on and loves it straight away. The beauty of these shoes are they are totally waterproof, designed for hiking, but light weight enough for active sports. I have a pair of hiking boots in this brand which cost me $240, so I know how comfortable, supportive and warm they are. They have a heavy duty toe that's plastic moulded so there is no way he can bounce out of the stitching in them and the soles are plastic too. It will be hard to destroy these. After a lot of deliberation, about the cost, the fact that we are going into summer and that they are a warm shoe and that he needs to 'look after them', we opt for the next size up - a size 9 (in a women's shoe) so that these shoes have a chance of lasting him six months instead of three. As at $129.95, they had better last.

As we went to the counter to pay for them, I handed the sales assistant my 'loyalty' card, knowing that the shoes were already on sale and most likely won't be able to be discounted any more, but she was nice enough to take $12 off the price for me.

As for my son and his 'big feet', he is now only one shoe size less than me at the age of 10, and I have big feet for a girl! So help me when he's in size 12s and 13s in three-four years time and it's impossible to find him shoes.

When Parents Turn On You...

I've spoken to a couple of people who are recently separated but in a new relationship and their parents have turned on them.

If anything, you always hope that your parents support any decision that you make, but in most cases, they just want you to do the 'traditional' thing when it comes to family values - get married, have a family and live happily ever after. Or maybe they are just jealous, because they wanted to get out of their marriage and didn't have the courage to do so, so they take it out on you. Here are their stories...

One, who was in a long distance interstate relationship with someone they met on-line. He had sole-custody of his children and wanted to go away for a weekend with their new beau without his kids and asked his parents to look after his children for the weekend. His parents blatantly said 'No' because they felt that he should have closed the door on his separated relationship with all his finances, child custody issues, etc before he moved onto a new life with someone else. He was shocked, that for so many years his parents had seen him in such an unhappy relationship, but now they wanted him to be restrained by that relationship until he had completely closed that chapter. Did they think that he was cheating in his other relationship before the divorce went through? Or were they just enjoying seeing him unhappy? He asked his parents, 'Don't you think I deserve to have someone who keeps me happy, gives me support, someone I can trust and enjoy their company while I go through all this turmoil finalising my divorce?' They were speechless, but still refused to help.

Another, I mentioned recently was a friend who found her long-lost love and renewed that relationship, breaking it off amicably with her husband, only for her parents to turn on her, inviting her husband around for dinner because they felt sorry for him.

The third case, was a friend's sister who separated from her husband raising her own three children, fell in love with a man who had sole custody of his four kids, became the Brady Bunch, bought her parents house to fit them all in, but somehow her mum has felt sorry for her ex-husband and keeps him around for company now that her own husband has died, which has strained the relationship she has with her mum.

Another friend has had her mum turn on her as she doesn't agree with the way she is raising her teenage daughter. She has been through an extraordinary divorce that's involved domestic violence, the media, unpaid child support, slander, a new husband who has lost his job because of the ex-husband and a new baby on the way. So her teenage daughter is now rebelling and mixing with the wrong crowd, not coming home and is desperately trying to seek attention from someone, and her mother is suggesting she needs to be 'disciplined' with violence and a grounding. My friend would prefer to involve a psychologist, school counsellors, family counsellors due to the rapidly changing family dynamic and to talk it out to help her daughter, so her mum has decided not to talk to her anymore.

What is it with parents and their loyalty to their own children? Who knows... it just makes you know, as a single parent, you will support your kids in any decision they make, (as long as it's legal) and help them get through all the tough times, the loving times, the hurtful times and the things that try them, because as a single parent, we are more in tune with what to look out for, because no one knows how painful and hurtful life is until they've gone through a divorce or separation when there are kids involved.

School holidays are approaching... what do us single mums do!

I guess it all depends on how old your children are, but this idea can be adapted to any age group.

Set yourself a budget for the day, say $50 or $100, and see how far it takes you on an adventure around your city. Catch public transport and get a ticket that offers you unlimited travel for the day and just see where it takes you. Do a little bit of internet searching before you go to find out where there are a lot of free activities or get vouchers for discounts, but don't plan too much. The Entertainment Book (which I believe is available in most corners of the world) is a great source of discounts for places to eat and activities.

Last year I did this with my boys, and they had the best time. We had $100 and the boys had fun budgeting what we could do with it. In Melbourne, we caught the train to Richmond to find a rock-climbing wall I heard about under a bridge. We had to catch a tram, walk through a park and hoped to find it under a freeway. We looked everywhere, but as there was so scaffolding under the main bridge for some construction work, it seemed the rock-climbing wall was hidden, so we missed out. But instead, we found ourselves walking along the Yarra River on a beautiful sunny Melbourne day watching the rowers and cyclists doing their Sunday exercise. We climbed the staircase from the river to Church Street and walked to East Richmond station to catch a train to the city.

We came in at Flinders Street station and walked out to discover the Arts Centre Sunday Market. My then 9 year old and 7 year old boys looked at all the stalls, we had a couple plates of poffertjes, they bought some chocolate, climbed on the sculptures around the Arts Centre and enjoyed the bright colours and eclectic crafts offered by the marketeers.

We then walked along Southbank to the Eureka Tower and purchased tickets to the Skydeck. We saw how amazing our city was from the 88th floor, spotting our amazing sports stadiums, looking at the ships on the bay, and stretching our eyes to see if we could spot something close to home. We grabbed something to eat in the food court, before deciding to catch the first tram on St Kilda Road having no idea where it would take us.

We just happened to catch the No 96 tram to St Kilda Beach. When the boys saw that we were outside Luna Park, they were very excited. We had enough money to have one ride each, and these chose the Scenic Railway.

We then walked down Acland Street, grabbed an ice-cream, walked down the streets towards Elwood and caught the bus home. It was a day for us to be us... a day where we talked about what each of us wanted to do, a day that we all truly enjoyed and were pleasantly exhausted at the end of the day. It's a memory that we all cherish, with my boys constantly reminding me that they want to do it again, soon.

A Blast from the Past

Today was an exciting day for me... exciting but relaxed. Today I met up with my first ever boyfriend in the flesh for the first time in thirteen and a half years.

We were each others' "firsts" in our high school years. We were only together for three months, but they were the most wonderful three months of my teenage years. He was almost two years older than me, and we 'broke up' because I was starting a new school that added 2 hours of travel each day to my day, and he lived ten kilometres from my home in the opposite direction from school, and he just felt that if we couldn't see each other, then what is the point of continuing, but at the same time, he declared his love to me saying that one day, we may be again.

So as any love-struck teenage girl would do, I held onto that thought that one day it may happen again. And there were chances. I would generally call him up every six or so months to see how he was going, but he had another girlfriend, who he ended up marrying. When I was in my final year of school, he unexpectedly called me up, and we decided to catch up over lunch. I hoped that this was our chance to renew things, but his mind was very scattered and he couldn't look at me, so lunch was disappointing and he didn't return my calls after it. So I continued life, hoping in the back of my mind, that one day, it still may happen.

At what would have been ten years after we were together, I wrote him a tear-jerking letter asking him why he came back into my life for a fleeting moment only to leave just as quickly. It was possibly ten pages of thoughts, feelings, hopes (because I'm an avid letter writer!) and dreams of our time together and how he dearly had a place close to my heart. I wrote the letter and sealed it, but never sent it.... not until about three months later, having no idea what I actually wrote.

Two weeks after I posted the letter to his Dad's house (as that was the only address I had), I received a phone call at work. It was him. He sounded different... almost gay. I was excited because I had a chance to get to know him again, but concerned at the same time about his sexual orientation. We decided to meet up ten days later at a cafe halfway between our offices.

We met up at Giorgios in Armadale, he in his physiotherapist whites, me in my casual office attire and we sat down for a coffee. We talked about the unresolved issues we had between us, but he wasn't as open as I had hoped. He kept saying 'he'd forgotten.' But then he talked about all his beer drinking partying that he did ten years prior, and that he was still doing it... But he was also newly-married to the girlfriend he had after me. I was devastated, but realised that we were in two different places and wanting two different things, so it was OK for me to move on now.

So I did, and we never spoke again... not until I found him on the internet about eighteen months ago living in London. He had divorced his teenage sweetheart (I was his childhood sweetheart!), but now had a serious girlfriend with whom he was happy. He revealed to me in our first series of emails that he often thought about me, and wonders what would have happened if we continued. He told me he kept my letters in a box in his cupboard until one day someone robbed his house and took them, unknowing that it was nothing important to anyone else except him. He remembered my birthday without being prompted. His kindness was shining and he was showing that I actually did have a special place in his heart.

So today, we met up at Brown Cow in Hampton Street, I had a wine, he had a beer. We sat chatting for almost two hours about how his trip back home has been like, his travels, my travels, kids, family, life in general. It didn't seem like we were stuck for anything to say, and it was nice. The sun was out, we had a few smiles and a few laughs. He is still quite cute for someone who's almost forty, and taller than I remembered, and quite lean. He wore a shirt that revealed some of his salt-n-peppering chest hair, and his stubble showed flecks of grey, but his curly, slightly receding hairline didn't (and it didn't looked dyed either). His eyes were still as mesmerising, and he still had the sweetest smile, and I can see that we have a lot of things in common now - travel, living our own lives not that what our family expects, etc. but we are in different hemispheres all the same. I'm glad we still have our friendship and that will always continue.

So we left each other with a hug and a peck on the cheek, like friends do. He paid for the drinks, which was sweet and gentlemanly of him, and he sent me a text about an hour ago saying that it was great to catch up, apologised that it wasn't longer, and he hopes to see me in London one day soon.

So that's my love story that's blossomed back into my life in the form of friendship, someone who will always have a close place in my heart, someone I've never had any animosity with and someone I will have a connection with possibly for the rest of my life.

Death... is a celebration of life

Death, not necessarily a person or living thing, is the end of an era. If it's the death of a relationship, the death of a family member, the death of a television set. However hurtful it is to part with these relationships (as we all do have a relationship with our TV set!), we all need to accept that what has gone has gone from our lives and we need to re-build and live a better life knowing how well that involvement with that person or being affected us.

So how do we move on? For a family member or friend, it's interesting how the 'living' work. Most will reflect on the good that person brought into our lives - the joy, their loves, their achievements and their passions. For those who were surrounded by love by the deceased person, their life can be in shatters as the dead were the strength behind them and they have no idea how to live without them. The grieving period can be long and drawn out, because they don't know how to exist without their loved one. For others, after all the pomp and ceremony of a funeral, the 'unspoken' comes out, especially if there was a darker side to that human being. Some feel that they are now able to let go of the hurt and secrets that have been weighing them down for years. Some feel that now that that person is no longer with them they can breathe and be the person that they always wanted to be. It's interesting how one person can cause so much damage to another's emotional and physical state.

But why do we let this happen? Why do we allow one person to control who we are? Why can't we physically move away from this person so we can just 'move on' and be the person we want to be? Is it a question of family bullying at its best? Sometimes it's a question of small-town mentality. Prior to the days of planes, trains and automobiles, no one ever really travelled - it was actually called 'exploring' back then. We stayed in our little villages, surrounded by family and neighbours who became our family and everyone knew everything about everyone. Some people are still in that vortex, and in fact the social mentality of some countries are the same. For instance, there is a figure that only 37% of the population in the United States have a passport, and only 5 years ago it was 20%. The U.S. Homeland Security used to not worry about citizens travelling between Canada, Mexico or Bermuda to have a passport, but since 9/11, they have made it more stringent for those re-entering the country to have proper documentation. Therefore, some haven't got the vision to be able to relocate on a grand scale - to the next state or to another country for the sake of growing and reaching their own abilities, so they wait it out, becoming more depressed and unable to function as a family member takes over their lives.

A 'death' of a relationship is usually worse than the death of a person, as there is the possibility of always having that person still in your lives for the sake of your children or simply just bumping into them in the street. You can't seem to get away from that person, as they unknowing to you, keep tabs on you through Googling you on the internet via social pages and other information, they can stalk you, do things to jeopardise your new relationships or you need to still have some type of financial attachment to them for child support, alimony or joint property. You can't completely get rid of them out of your life unless you disappear and/or create yourself a new identity. Even if you try to move on, they try to maintain some type of contact trying to maintain some control over you. Is there any way, outside of death, that you can move on without your past partner/s influencing the way you live your life? For those who are successful at moving on, they find new and exciting ways to create a future for themselves rather than holding onto the past. They do the things that they always dreamed of doing - traveling, sports, Yoga, trying out new restaurants, meeting new people, learning an instrument - whatever it is that makes them feel 'human' again, makes them feel in touch with their soul.

As for the death of an 'object', it really does depend on how materialistic you are. Who knows, you might feel better with the upgrade of a new one, or upset that the quality just isn't there with the newer versions. But then there are tragedies like fire and flood that destroy our photos and sentimental items. As technology advances, more and more people are transferring their photos to digital format, making it easier to store and retrieve photos in times of desperation, but really, in the whole scheme of things, isn't it the memory of the joy that you received from that object or looking at those photos more rewarding than the actual item? I know everyone is different, but it's all about perspective... people are more important than 'things' and when you see the tragedy in third world countries and the wars in the Middle East and Mexico, then all in all, life really ain't that bad. If you are at all reading this, you have the access to a computer, you have electricity, heating, running water, food on the table and a means to communicate and most of us have the people we love close to us. Isn't that something to celebrate?

So for those who have something or someone dying around them, don't look at the negative of the loss, look at it as an opportunity to gain - a chance to celebrate your own life, celebrate their lives, celebrate who you are and celebrate the time you had together with that person or object. Let go... release yourself from their stranglehold and discover a new and improved you.  Learn to love yourself as the person you are, not who you were as a couple, a friendship or as part of a family.