It saddens me to no end, to see people fifteen + years older than me, who are afraid to get themselves out of a relationship or circumstances that no longer serves them. They may be miserable, they may be dictated to, they may be afraid of the consequences - violence, shame, losing children's love and respect, or may be their interests have completely changed and are no longer compatible. To me, if you feel sadness, feel restricted or feel violated in that relationship constantly, then it's time to get OUT!
Yes, there is merit in staying with someone who maybe sick and you are their carer, or you're working towards a goal that you need to deal with the hardships first before you realise that goal (as long as that goal is that you enjoy your grandkids together/grow old together for the sake of the 'vows'), but there really isn't any other reason to make yourself miserable, stuck and feeling out of your depth if you're not happy. As the only commitment in life you should ever have, is the commitment to yourself - to make sure there is happiness in your life.
I was talking to a girlfriend yesterday about the older generation and how they just don't understand why we would talk back to a spouse, or why we don't sweep things under the carpet and it be forgotten, why we ask so many questions to get to the depths of the truth and why we have courage to be our own person, not a puppet to our spouse or generation. I've had conversations with people 15-40 years older than me (I guess you call it the 'Baby Boomer generation') stating that it wasn't their fault that I got divorced and that they shouldn't have to be my backup spouse/parent (physically or emotionally), or, that they refuse to leave their spouse because they are worried that their adult children will take their spouse's side and they will lose them forever, or they just 'don't like change' and you'll never change the way they think.
The saddest thing of all, is that these people are so set in their ways, that they are afraid to open their hearts to a whole new world that can give them vitality and re-think who they are and what they are missing. The best example of this, is this video I saw on Facebook this week, about two 70 year old ladies - one who's husband loved to travel, yet she was too scared to fly on a plane, and the other who's husband wanted to stay home and she wanted to see the world but sacrificed her own life to be 'committed' to his needs… until one day, they both went on a plane together. It's absolute gold, showing you that it's never to old to change. These two women made me realise that my adventurous spirit doesn't have an expiry date, and everyday can be filled with love and laughter IF you value yourself, get out of your comfort zone and realise your dreams.
http://sploid.gizmodo.com/watching-two-old-women-fly-for-the-first-time-is-pure-g-1562267586/+jesusdiaz
And I think that's the biggest part, being able to value yourself. Some people put a monetary value on themselves 'I'm worth $ this much money.' Others value themselves by the amount of family they have around them 'I have 3 daughters, 2 sons, 16 grand-children and 4 great-grandchildren', where as the new generations of 30 and 40 somethings are learning quickly that it doesn't need to be a number, it's all about quality - quality of 'people' in your life that make you happy, laugh, be yourself, support you and allow you to extend yourself; the quality in 'time' you put into reaching your goals, being the best parent, friend and even person to yourself; the quality of 'emotional and spiritual being' you are allowing yourself to be (again, another awesome ad... http://www.bestadsontv.com/ad/61567/Thai-Life-Insurance-Unsung-Hero ), and the quality of experiences you give yourself to create a lifetime of memories - from walking the dog on a cool foggy morning and loving the coolness on your skin, to taking your kids to the last movie of the night and finding yourself in an empty cinema just for you, to kissing your beloved at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Life is about living… and some Baby Boomers just don't get that… They were dictated to by the government to save for their retirement, and work work work, sacrificing building relationships with their kids, sacrificing quality time for themselves, sacrificing speaking out to someone when they are alive rather than bottling up the hurt and airing it out when they are dead; sacrificing goals that were desired but were hard to be realised based on the social structure of what was expected from them. There were some who fell through the loop and made a stance against conformity, and they are the courageous ones - the ones who believed in themselves more than their circumstances.
It doesn't matter how old you are or how scared you are, there is always time for change. Change for the positive, and a chance to bring eternal happiness to your life.
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Saturday, 12 April 2014
What's A Single Mum To Do When She Has 24 Hours of Kid Free Time?
Ok, so as much as I love my kids, sometimes it's nice to have some kid-free time. But to have 24 hours off is a real treat… and this is the first time in about 2.5 years we all haven't slept under the same roof. Yes, they have had individual sleepovers, but there hasn't been a time where they both were gone… until last night.
So what do I do? I dropped them off at lunch time, and the first stop was a work appointment, followed by a trip to the bakery for lunch. A couple of hot-cross-buns (my favourite at this time of year). Drove home and ate my lunch watching Ellen, and a really nice interview with Pharrell Williams. After lunch, I took myself off to have an hour's massage which was ahhhhhhhh! Came home, did a little bit of work, Facebook, etc before my fuck buddy arrived! (OOH!). Not much to report there… in and out… there you go!
I took the dog for a walk, watched a little TV, made some work appointments and got myself ready for my BIG night! I have been promising a friend that I would check out his regular Friday night karaoke night for about 2.5 years now, and tonight's the night. I have a willing friend prepared to drive the 50 minute drive to The Basin and potential for a night of whatever happens.
My friend, who's regular night it is, says it's 7.30pm for an 8pm start. And that was my plan, yet my willing friend took that little bit longer to get ready. We jumped in the car, drove on roads I knew well, until we took a right hand turn, and I felt we had turned into the 1970s. Shops in the street hadn't been changed, cars were scarce, it was really weird. This road lead to Forest Road… and indeed it was like driving through a Forest into another time zone, until we found the little tavern that should have been in a quaint town in Canada rather than the 'burbs of Melbourne with its rustic timber exterior, its stag horns, flags, odd chairs and vintage signs. And of course, we arrived a little before 8pm and all the tables were full.
We squished onto a table with my friend and his girlfriend, ordered some chips and gravy, and salt & pepper calamari with aeoli (a slight contradiction in eras), which was my last feast before I started my Lite N Easy diet the next day. The singing was all a little too serious… those who got up, were singing beautifully the words in tune, but standing like a zombie focussed on the words on the screen. Now, I didn't drink a drop of alcohol all night, but somehow my girlfriend decided that we needed to sing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen after she had a few too many pots. And the entertainment factor soared through the roof.
Our singing was terrible, our elaborate arm movements and theatrics were apparently very entertaining. We had one little mishap, where my friend wanted to play air-guitar with my leg and my rarely-worn high-heels wobbled so much we fell over, but we continued singing. My friend videoed it, and it's going to make us millions on YouTube!
So after our sing-song, the entertainment stakes were raised, and other punters were keen to have a little more fun. The night finished at about 11.30pm without our encore performance of 'Blurred Lines' that was planned, and I asked the DJ if he really wanted us to return again after our shocking performance…, because one day, we will have to sing it... but he just nodded his head.
We said goodbye to our friends, and set off to St Kilda. We met a few friends there, who we met a couple of weeks ago, plus these two gorgeous school teachers, called Kath and Kim! Hilarious if you're an Aussie who knows the comedy duo (fortunately not the TV version - two very sweet girls). We got up on the dance floor to some Irish violin playing, and screamed out Mr Brightside when the main act came back out. We just sang and danced with all the locals, having a load of fun.
I decided my night was over at about 1.30am and drove home, leaving my girlfriend in the arms of her London boy she met a couple of weeks ago, and the delightful Kath and Kim.
It was weird coming home to a quiet house, with only my cheeky dog wanting some love. But I did have a restful sleep, without hearing my son's bed creaking in the middle of the night, or doors opening with toilet trips. I was able to sleep in until 9am, took the dog for a walk. I was silly enough to make a work appointment for a Saturday morning, but it gave me a good excuse to check out a vintage craft market one of my other girlfriend's had a stall at, selling her beautifully scented soy candles.
I bought a few candles, and a thermal nail polish (it changes colour!), a funky American numberplate cushion for my holiday house and some flavoured liquorice for my boys. It was nice being able to potter around looking at the stalls and chatting to people without my boys begging to go home.
It was time then to pick up my boys, and smile about how fun, how happy and how easily it is to enjoy 24 hours without kids!
So what do I do? I dropped them off at lunch time, and the first stop was a work appointment, followed by a trip to the bakery for lunch. A couple of hot-cross-buns (my favourite at this time of year). Drove home and ate my lunch watching Ellen, and a really nice interview with Pharrell Williams. After lunch, I took myself off to have an hour's massage which was ahhhhhhhh! Came home, did a little bit of work, Facebook, etc before my fuck buddy arrived! (OOH!). Not much to report there… in and out… there you go!
I took the dog for a walk, watched a little TV, made some work appointments and got myself ready for my BIG night! I have been promising a friend that I would check out his regular Friday night karaoke night for about 2.5 years now, and tonight's the night. I have a willing friend prepared to drive the 50 minute drive to The Basin and potential for a night of whatever happens.
My friend, who's regular night it is, says it's 7.30pm for an 8pm start. And that was my plan, yet my willing friend took that little bit longer to get ready. We jumped in the car, drove on roads I knew well, until we took a right hand turn, and I felt we had turned into the 1970s. Shops in the street hadn't been changed, cars were scarce, it was really weird. This road lead to Forest Road… and indeed it was like driving through a Forest into another time zone, until we found the little tavern that should have been in a quaint town in Canada rather than the 'burbs of Melbourne with its rustic timber exterior, its stag horns, flags, odd chairs and vintage signs. And of course, we arrived a little before 8pm and all the tables were full.
We squished onto a table with my friend and his girlfriend, ordered some chips and gravy, and salt & pepper calamari with aeoli (a slight contradiction in eras), which was my last feast before I started my Lite N Easy diet the next day. The singing was all a little too serious… those who got up, were singing beautifully the words in tune, but standing like a zombie focussed on the words on the screen. Now, I didn't drink a drop of alcohol all night, but somehow my girlfriend decided that we needed to sing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen after she had a few too many pots. And the entertainment factor soared through the roof.
Our singing was terrible, our elaborate arm movements and theatrics were apparently very entertaining. We had one little mishap, where my friend wanted to play air-guitar with my leg and my rarely-worn high-heels wobbled so much we fell over, but we continued singing. My friend videoed it, and it's going to make us millions on YouTube!
So after our sing-song, the entertainment stakes were raised, and other punters were keen to have a little more fun. The night finished at about 11.30pm without our encore performance of 'Blurred Lines' that was planned, and I asked the DJ if he really wanted us to return again after our shocking performance…, because one day, we will have to sing it... but he just nodded his head.
We said goodbye to our friends, and set off to St Kilda. We met a few friends there, who we met a couple of weeks ago, plus these two gorgeous school teachers, called Kath and Kim! Hilarious if you're an Aussie who knows the comedy duo (fortunately not the TV version - two very sweet girls). We got up on the dance floor to some Irish violin playing, and screamed out Mr Brightside when the main act came back out. We just sang and danced with all the locals, having a load of fun.
I decided my night was over at about 1.30am and drove home, leaving my girlfriend in the arms of her London boy she met a couple of weeks ago, and the delightful Kath and Kim.
It was weird coming home to a quiet house, with only my cheeky dog wanting some love. But I did have a restful sleep, without hearing my son's bed creaking in the middle of the night, or doors opening with toilet trips. I was able to sleep in until 9am, took the dog for a walk. I was silly enough to make a work appointment for a Saturday morning, but it gave me a good excuse to check out a vintage craft market one of my other girlfriend's had a stall at, selling her beautifully scented soy candles.
I bought a few candles, and a thermal nail polish (it changes colour!), a funky American numberplate cushion for my holiday house and some flavoured liquorice for my boys. It was nice being able to potter around looking at the stalls and chatting to people without my boys begging to go home.
It was time then to pick up my boys, and smile about how fun, how happy and how easily it is to enjoy 24 hours without kids!
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Single Mum and the Social Life
Now that my kids are a little bit older, I'm feeling it's ok to mingle with adults in a social way again. It's hard, because it's been so long between drinks. A couple of weeks ago, I went dancing to some live music with an old (and I mean known her for 35 years old!) friend and it was such a crazy eye-opening night. However, you do find yourself mingling with other divorced friends with kids, and to co-ordinate times to actually see each other gets hard.
As you all know, I have my kids 100% of the time. I haven't had a night without both of them under the same roof as me in around 2.5 years, yet friends who have every alternate weekend without kids just don't understand that it's not that easy getting a chance to go out, and have a proper night out without worrying if the kids are all right. The only possible way is to get their friend's parents to agree that they stay at their home, but to co-ordinate two on the same night, or someone to take two kids and my boys are happy to go to that person's house is incredibly hard.
Yet the complications get harder. The friends you want to go out with have their kids on the night that you organise for both of them to stay at friend's houses, so you look for other friends… and they have the same issues or their own plans. Kids get sick, and you may have to scrap the idea that there is actually a chance for you to have a night out. The problem is, you have been out of the equation for so long, no one even considers you, invites you or truly understand the difficulty in arranging, what feels like an epic event. And you wonder why you even bother, because no one will ever understand that sometimes you need to be more than just a mother.
Then you have other friends who complain that they have had their kids for nine days straight and in desperate need for a night out (when they only had one ten days ago), yet they can't understand that it's been almost 1000 days since you had a complete night to yourself.
But I count my blessings. I have an amazing relationship with my boys… they tell me everything, give me massages (and good ones too!), help around the house, always give me a hug and tell me they love me, and we have a relationship of trust while allowing independence. I can give them the best of everything, but I do feel guilty when I can't them more time. And time is the most valuable thing you can give someone… including yourself, so it's important too to have a social life, away from being a mum.
And even to enjoy a little intimacy, you need to keep it hidden or non-existent… because you have already fallen once for someone who you felt could be the perfect step-father for your kids only to let not only you down, but your kids. So you protect yourself and your kids fiercely before allowing anyone to be close to you.
So can single mums and a social life work? If you have support! If you don't, well c'est la vie… I guess you just have to wait until your youngest is eighteen.
As you all know, I have my kids 100% of the time. I haven't had a night without both of them under the same roof as me in around 2.5 years, yet friends who have every alternate weekend without kids just don't understand that it's not that easy getting a chance to go out, and have a proper night out without worrying if the kids are all right. The only possible way is to get their friend's parents to agree that they stay at their home, but to co-ordinate two on the same night, or someone to take two kids and my boys are happy to go to that person's house is incredibly hard.
Yet the complications get harder. The friends you want to go out with have their kids on the night that you organise for both of them to stay at friend's houses, so you look for other friends… and they have the same issues or their own plans. Kids get sick, and you may have to scrap the idea that there is actually a chance for you to have a night out. The problem is, you have been out of the equation for so long, no one even considers you, invites you or truly understand the difficulty in arranging, what feels like an epic event. And you wonder why you even bother, because no one will ever understand that sometimes you need to be more than just a mother.
Then you have other friends who complain that they have had their kids for nine days straight and in desperate need for a night out (when they only had one ten days ago), yet they can't understand that it's been almost 1000 days since you had a complete night to yourself.
But I count my blessings. I have an amazing relationship with my boys… they tell me everything, give me massages (and good ones too!), help around the house, always give me a hug and tell me they love me, and we have a relationship of trust while allowing independence. I can give them the best of everything, but I do feel guilty when I can't them more time. And time is the most valuable thing you can give someone… including yourself, so it's important too to have a social life, away from being a mum.
And even to enjoy a little intimacy, you need to keep it hidden or non-existent… because you have already fallen once for someone who you felt could be the perfect step-father for your kids only to let not only you down, but your kids. So you protect yourself and your kids fiercely before allowing anyone to be close to you.
So can single mums and a social life work? If you have support! If you don't, well c'est la vie… I guess you just have to wait until your youngest is eighteen.
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