Our school systems and sports clubs are doing their best to tell our children that they are doing a 'great job' in whatever they are doing. Most teachers or sports coaches don't know the true ability of most the children that they are dealing with until half way through the school year or sports season, and don't understand if they are truly trying and making an effort, or just 'going with the flow.' But they continue to praise them with pats on the back, telling them 'well done,' 'great effort' and seeing any positive in their efforts, even if they had a rough day, failed a test or their behaviour was questionable, to make our children feel good about themselves.
Why do they do this? Is it only here in Australia that they do this? I think so. As I speak to many parents who have immigrated from Europe, the US and even Asia about how children are treated in their countries, and there is an overwhelming agreement that children get banished for not having a great game, failing a test or having unquestionable behaviour. Coaches come down hard on them to make them perform better in the next game. My son was in a losing hockey game yesterday, one of the only games this team has actually lost all season, and they were praised for losing as the coach said that they can only learn from a loss and it makes them better for next time. Then the coach, out of ears way of the children, praised the efforts of one child who wasn't there to play, blaming the fact that all their eggs are in one basket with this absent child, and that's why they lost. Why couldn't he have said something to the children about how much they rely on the absent child, and that they can't afford to be complacent when he's not there? That they need to pick up their own game and fight harder knowing that they can't rely on him? It's so frustrating...
Parents in other countries ground their children or take away a favourite toy if their marks are sub-standard to ensure that they study and get better. Teachers assign more homework if they fail tests. And adults, either teachers, parents or sports coaches will express their utter disappointment if their behaviour is not acceptable.
However, this attempt in mediocrity is coming from a higher power... the Australian government, who standardises school reports with large shaded areas on graphs indicating the level that each child for that year should be at, and tiny little dots showing them what level they are currently achieving. The wording in the reports are standardised so not to upset the parent into any legal suit and only draw on the positives of the child, not any problems that they are seeing. And this all filters through to the teaching, then the parents are less harsh on their children for not achieving a higher standard or being better. Why aren't the teachers teaching our children to be 'better?'
Australian school levels are quickly dropping to that of our international counterparts. Only five years ago, or maths standard was considered 5th in the world, now it is 15th. Our reading and writing levels are dropping even further as more children forego traditional reading and writing methods, and use text slang and other shortcuts to express their written word, and the standard of children's literature is appalling. There is no clear narrative, children get lost in the toilet humour, funny made up names like 'Captain Underpants,' and books like Andy Griffith's 'Just Disgusting' - authors who put more illustrations in their books than words, yet appeal to the 7-12 year old reader who is developing their reading skills. What happened to the adventures that Enid Blyton wrote? Why don't they assign classic novels to children in 5th grade, like Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn, so that they understand the proper construction of a story so children can identify characters, narrative, plot, scenery, thoughts and dialogue, and give them a history lesson at the same time? But no, in Australia, they want children to learn at their own level on their own individual learning programs... but not even that's working, because as you know, I have a son who has learning difficulties, and if they were giving him his own 'individual learning program' they would have by now pulled him out of the classroom, given him a blank room to learn in with no audible distractions so he can have a chance to learn at his best. But they don't.
I understand that Australian teachers are not paid well compared with other countries, and that the governments are literally wasting money on education that doesn't filter down into the classroom, like over-analysing situations to create reports that don't mean anything. Schools get funding for buildings that have been a blatant waste of money because the person who was assigned to manage the building project had no idea of the real costs in constructing a building, so the quotes were well over the 'real cost' of actually building it, and the builders walk out with healthy profits. The emphasis of money being spent in our education systems are overwhelming put on the wrong syllable, as it is in many government organisations. There is too much over-regulation, too much concern for insurance payouts and legal issues, and not enough emphasis on building strong, capable children who strive to be the best in anything that they do... and our society will pay for it in 10-15 years time, when our children don't know how to look after themselves, because they have been molly-collied into their existence.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Affairs...
It has come to my knowledge over the past week or so, that people are assuming that when I talk about someone having an 'affair' in my blogs or FB rants, they think it is the relationship I had with a married man. I'm sorry, but it's not... Sometimes I might say things that refer to 'my lover' when really I've just put it in first person to make it more real, but I'm really talking about other people's experiences, and sometimes they are an amalgamated story of possibly the 50 or more people who have divulged to me that they too have been in an affair or a victim of an affair since I started my blog. I do this to protect the people I write about...
You know when you have a baby, get married, get divorced or your parents die on you, that all of a sudden you are surrounded by people who are going through the same events as you. It's how the universe works... you attract like minded people going through similar situations. This is no different to me being involved in an affair, and other people telling me their stories.... either as the victim, or the knowing participant, either past stories or present stories... it is what it is...
Now that we have that clear, I want you to all know that I do not condone deception in marriage. And I said that many times to my lover and others who have been deceiving their spouses... because I could see that they just weren't being honest with themselves. My strong point of view about marriage, and in any relationship is to be truly honest. I know that's a tautology, but many people are honest about their exterior feelings, but their inner feelings are eating them up, as they don't know how to be truthful to themselves and their heart's desire, therefore don't know how to be truthful to their spouse or partner - the truth that there is no common bond with the person they married decades ago except their children, that they have different needs and wants now to what they had then, that they are confused about what their heart wants and what they have been taught to believe through their religion, and they don't know how to express what they want or need or know how to compromise on it. There is also something seriously wrong with their marriage if they keep avoiding each other physically - by travelling separately, by staying late back at work, by having golf days with mates, by sleeping separately, by interacting with their children separately.
I am overwhelmingly strong on this point of view because my marriage was full of dishonesty due to my ex-husband's need for materialism and elitism. He literally made my life hell because of it - like a little boy who couldn't get what he wanted, his frustration turned to anger, his material needs became more demanding and expensive, but he didn't know how to provide the money to make it happen. I tried over and over to create budgets for him, even giving him $50 a week for his coffee habit, but even that turned into a debacle as if he didn't get his $50 each week, he would literally steal money from our accounts that was set aside for bills and rent. The thing is, he wasn't just being dishonest with me, he was being dishonest with himself. He thought that this materialistic life was what he deserved, but didn't realise that the children and our family expenses came first, and if he truly wanted his 'things', he needed to 'earn' them, not expect them on a silver platter. Neither of us had an affair while we were married, even though he incessantly flirted with many women. And it was his flirting that made me realise that it should bother me, but it didn't, and I 'realised that I wasn't being honest with myself in being happy in my marriage.
If someone wants to fix their marriage after an affair, I'm happy to support them. But if there are too many red flags suggesting that the marriage is over because both parties aren't making a concerted effort to actually be together physically, emotionally or spiritually, then you'd have to ask BOTH parties if they are actually truly happy with their spouse, and if this affair was actually a sign that this is the end...
I get upset that people use exterior forces to help rectify their marriage. God will help them, their parents are the reality of a true marriage so they look to that to help them work out what to do, that they will do this for the kids. Their children know that there is unhappiness in their marriage, they aren't blind. They can put all the pieces together. Their children will be more proud of their parents if they have the courage to leave something that is making them unhappy, and making the ENTIRE family unhappy, than continue in a volatile environment. My oldest child saw the effects of the volatility in my marriage and was glad when it was over. My youngest didn't see it that much because he was much younger and went to bed earlier, so he found it a little harder to cope with when Dad wasn't living with us anymore.
NOTHING will help your marriage unless you help it, "you" collectively as a couple. Make major lifestyle changes so that you can be truly committed to your spouse and family is a start. Get away from the forces that are making you betray each other. The only way you can be honest with yourself is if you speak truthfully about both your exterior and interior feelings - the feelings that you know are right to do because they are morally, financially or sociably the right to do, but also the feelings that tell you that your exterior feelings aren't exactly what you want.
And if you truly can tell each other that your needs have grown away from your spouse's needs, then come up with a compromise... if you need to stay together for financial reasons or to appease the family unit, then do so, but allow each other to find comfort, adventure, love and companionship in a second partner outside your family and financial needs. Because in the end, if you can't be truthfully honest with your spouse and be able to TRUST each other in Your nuptials, then all you are doing is hurting each other more and more, creating more and more resentment, more and more angst, and more and more heartbreak. No one deserves to live a life like that. You've already proven to each other that your vows don't mean much by deceiving each other, so really, what is the point of being stuck in something that doesn't given you eternal happiness any more? You've enjoyed that part of your life with your spouse, and cherish those times, but if you can't fulfil each other anymore, then move on. Allow each other to find happiness elsewhere.
Some people hold onto the dreams of always wanting to grow old with their spouse, enjoying grand-children together and the fact that their parents were 'happily' married for 40, 50, 60 years, so they want to live that dream. But dreams and our lives do change, for better or for worse. Some dream to be mortgage free by the age of 40, others dream that their children will all have high powered jobs and leave college with Honours, others dream of being able to travel the world in our retirement... not many actually achieve their dreams... they don't envisage that they would have $500,000 in debt at the age of 50 when they are 20, and certainly, no one ever dreams of having an affair when they say 'I do!' Again, it's been truthful with each other that your circumstances have changed, and you're not happy in the position that you are in, and really can't envisage anymore achieving a true sense of happiness with your spouse anymore, because of your differing needs.
We only have one life... we don't get a second chance of ever being 20, 30, 40, 50 or 60 again. I'm not saying to give up on your marriage once an affair has happened, but you both need to be true to yourselves and each other to see WHY the affair happened in the first place. Don't put blame on each other, and definitely don't be defensive about your place, just accept that what has happened has happened, and it happened for a reason. Get to the BOTTOM of the reason.
In the end, we all deserve to be happy and create wonderful memories with people who love spending time with us, not live in constant heartache.
You know when you have a baby, get married, get divorced or your parents die on you, that all of a sudden you are surrounded by people who are going through the same events as you. It's how the universe works... you attract like minded people going through similar situations. This is no different to me being involved in an affair, and other people telling me their stories.... either as the victim, or the knowing participant, either past stories or present stories... it is what it is...
Now that we have that clear, I want you to all know that I do not condone deception in marriage. And I said that many times to my lover and others who have been deceiving their spouses... because I could see that they just weren't being honest with themselves. My strong point of view about marriage, and in any relationship is to be truly honest. I know that's a tautology, but many people are honest about their exterior feelings, but their inner feelings are eating them up, as they don't know how to be truthful to themselves and their heart's desire, therefore don't know how to be truthful to their spouse or partner - the truth that there is no common bond with the person they married decades ago except their children, that they have different needs and wants now to what they had then, that they are confused about what their heart wants and what they have been taught to believe through their religion, and they don't know how to express what they want or need or know how to compromise on it. There is also something seriously wrong with their marriage if they keep avoiding each other physically - by travelling separately, by staying late back at work, by having golf days with mates, by sleeping separately, by interacting with their children separately.
I am overwhelmingly strong on this point of view because my marriage was full of dishonesty due to my ex-husband's need for materialism and elitism. He literally made my life hell because of it - like a little boy who couldn't get what he wanted, his frustration turned to anger, his material needs became more demanding and expensive, but he didn't know how to provide the money to make it happen. I tried over and over to create budgets for him, even giving him $50 a week for his coffee habit, but even that turned into a debacle as if he didn't get his $50 each week, he would literally steal money from our accounts that was set aside for bills and rent. The thing is, he wasn't just being dishonest with me, he was being dishonest with himself. He thought that this materialistic life was what he deserved, but didn't realise that the children and our family expenses came first, and if he truly wanted his 'things', he needed to 'earn' them, not expect them on a silver platter. Neither of us had an affair while we were married, even though he incessantly flirted with many women. And it was his flirting that made me realise that it should bother me, but it didn't, and I 'realised that I wasn't being honest with myself in being happy in my marriage.
If someone wants to fix their marriage after an affair, I'm happy to support them. But if there are too many red flags suggesting that the marriage is over because both parties aren't making a concerted effort to actually be together physically, emotionally or spiritually, then you'd have to ask BOTH parties if they are actually truly happy with their spouse, and if this affair was actually a sign that this is the end...
I get upset that people use exterior forces to help rectify their marriage. God will help them, their parents are the reality of a true marriage so they look to that to help them work out what to do, that they will do this for the kids. Their children know that there is unhappiness in their marriage, they aren't blind. They can put all the pieces together. Their children will be more proud of their parents if they have the courage to leave something that is making them unhappy, and making the ENTIRE family unhappy, than continue in a volatile environment. My oldest child saw the effects of the volatility in my marriage and was glad when it was over. My youngest didn't see it that much because he was much younger and went to bed earlier, so he found it a little harder to cope with when Dad wasn't living with us anymore.
NOTHING will help your marriage unless you help it, "you" collectively as a couple. Make major lifestyle changes so that you can be truly committed to your spouse and family is a start. Get away from the forces that are making you betray each other. The only way you can be honest with yourself is if you speak truthfully about both your exterior and interior feelings - the feelings that you know are right to do because they are morally, financially or sociably the right to do, but also the feelings that tell you that your exterior feelings aren't exactly what you want.
And if you truly can tell each other that your needs have grown away from your spouse's needs, then come up with a compromise... if you need to stay together for financial reasons or to appease the family unit, then do so, but allow each other to find comfort, adventure, love and companionship in a second partner outside your family and financial needs. Because in the end, if you can't be truthfully honest with your spouse and be able to TRUST each other in Your nuptials, then all you are doing is hurting each other more and more, creating more and more resentment, more and more angst, and more and more heartbreak. No one deserves to live a life like that. You've already proven to each other that your vows don't mean much by deceiving each other, so really, what is the point of being stuck in something that doesn't given you eternal happiness any more? You've enjoyed that part of your life with your spouse, and cherish those times, but if you can't fulfil each other anymore, then move on. Allow each other to find happiness elsewhere.
Some people hold onto the dreams of always wanting to grow old with their spouse, enjoying grand-children together and the fact that their parents were 'happily' married for 40, 50, 60 years, so they want to live that dream. But dreams and our lives do change, for better or for worse. Some dream to be mortgage free by the age of 40, others dream that their children will all have high powered jobs and leave college with Honours, others dream of being able to travel the world in our retirement... not many actually achieve their dreams... they don't envisage that they would have $500,000 in debt at the age of 50 when they are 20, and certainly, no one ever dreams of having an affair when they say 'I do!' Again, it's been truthful with each other that your circumstances have changed, and you're not happy in the position that you are in, and really can't envisage anymore achieving a true sense of happiness with your spouse anymore, because of your differing needs.
We only have one life... we don't get a second chance of ever being 20, 30, 40, 50 or 60 again. I'm not saying to give up on your marriage once an affair has happened, but you both need to be true to yourselves and each other to see WHY the affair happened in the first place. Don't put blame on each other, and definitely don't be defensive about your place, just accept that what has happened has happened, and it happened for a reason. Get to the BOTTOM of the reason.
In the end, we all deserve to be happy and create wonderful memories with people who love spending time with us, not live in constant heartache.
Dead-Beat Parents
I read an article today about the extremes some authorities go to to ensure parents are paying their child support. In Australia, there isn't much a parent can do if their ex doesn't do the right thing by their children - you just have to wear it, and the Child Support Agency will follow through to a point, but if your ex is in a commission paying job, self-employed or getting cash money, they can't chase them for anything. And can I say, most parents who want to not provide for their children, get themselves jobs that enable them to breeze through with minimum or no payments at all.
But in the US, they put in amnesties of which parents who have neglected their responsibilities to their children by not paying child support trying to get them to come clean. Over the past week, the State of New Mexico put in an amnesty, of which 84 parents put their hand up saying they owed money to their ex-spouses/partners for child support, totalling $415,000. A great collection for a week's work. However, those who have not come forward will be arrested and are expected to serve jail time for not contributing to the welfare of their children and putting added strain on government resources. They will be then imposed a payment plan for the money owed, and if they break it again, there will be additional jail time.
But is it a 'catch-22?' Is the money that is owed to their children in child support commensurate with how much it's going to cost the government to give them a jail cell for a number of days/weeks/months? How will the offending parent be able to manage their re-payments if they are in jail and not in the paid work force?
Look, I completely agree that these parents who don't support their children should be punished, and jail time is possibly the most invasive punishment there can be. They will have a criminal record, they could lose their job, depending on how long they are put away for, it could put an even further strain on the relationship they have with their kids. And if they can't learn from these lessons, of how much impact their refusal to pay child support is on their entire being, then what else can the government enforce? Should they publicly name and shame these dead-beat parents? I think so... because they forget that the only ones they are hurting are their innocent children, the people they brought into this world... some with love, some with lust, but they brought them into this world and need to bare the consequences and man up to their responsibilities.
But in the US, they put in amnesties of which parents who have neglected their responsibilities to their children by not paying child support trying to get them to come clean. Over the past week, the State of New Mexico put in an amnesty, of which 84 parents put their hand up saying they owed money to their ex-spouses/partners for child support, totalling $415,000. A great collection for a week's work. However, those who have not come forward will be arrested and are expected to serve jail time for not contributing to the welfare of their children and putting added strain on government resources. They will be then imposed a payment plan for the money owed, and if they break it again, there will be additional jail time.
But is it a 'catch-22?' Is the money that is owed to their children in child support commensurate with how much it's going to cost the government to give them a jail cell for a number of days/weeks/months? How will the offending parent be able to manage their re-payments if they are in jail and not in the paid work force?
Look, I completely agree that these parents who don't support their children should be punished, and jail time is possibly the most invasive punishment there can be. They will have a criminal record, they could lose their job, depending on how long they are put away for, it could put an even further strain on the relationship they have with their kids. And if they can't learn from these lessons, of how much impact their refusal to pay child support is on their entire being, then what else can the government enforce? Should they publicly name and shame these dead-beat parents? I think so... because they forget that the only ones they are hurting are their innocent children, the people they brought into this world... some with love, some with lust, but they brought them into this world and need to bare the consequences and man up to their responsibilities.
Monday, 27 August 2012
A real friendship...
I have many friends who I cherish.... some friends support me in every decision that I make, some friends see the pain that I'm going through and try to give me advice on how to overcome the pain and get frustrated that I don't take on their advice, but know that when I'm ready, I will take it on with all my heart and soul, and I have friends who just go with the flow...
But when the shoe is on the other foot, and I try with all my heart to be the friend that they need, some see that I will support them in whatever they choose, I will uplift them with some humour or take them out or even invite them over for a chat and a glass of wine. And then I have friends who just feel that I'm attacking their being because they are in denial of their own truth, when all I have is sincere concern for their well-being and happiness.
I will do anything, and I mean anything for my dearest friends. If they need a shoulder to cry on, if they need some spare dollars, if they need someone to look after their kids so they can have some needed time off, or if they need to realise the truth in their other friendships or family situations, I will be there for them. Admittedly, not many take up on my offer of physical or monetary help, as they know as a single mum, there isn't much time that coincides with their time off, but the offer is always there...
I know that my friends don't necessarily want a solution to their problems, and most just want to vent and get it off their chest, as I do to them, and in reality, that's what a real friendship is, just being there for each other.
But some friends look for ulterior motives for the reason behind your help, advice and yearning to just be a friend... and that saddens me that they can't see the genuine desire to just be a 'friend' for a friend in need. And unfortunately, it's those friends who need as many friends as they can get. They have serious trust issues, and live in a cocoon, not wanting to let people into their intense hurts, trials and tribulations. Once they do let go, and let people in, they then realise how much they needed to off-load their concerns and pains and feel like a new person. But they will always only do it when they are ready... and you can never force a friend to come to realise their own reality.
But for all my friends who know that I am there for them, no matter what hurts you have given me, and what hurts I have said to you to make you stronger and understand your reality, please know that I always cherish our friendship as a true friendship, and I will always be there for you, as your friend... a friend forever....
But when the shoe is on the other foot, and I try with all my heart to be the friend that they need, some see that I will support them in whatever they choose, I will uplift them with some humour or take them out or even invite them over for a chat and a glass of wine. And then I have friends who just feel that I'm attacking their being because they are in denial of their own truth, when all I have is sincere concern for their well-being and happiness.
I will do anything, and I mean anything for my dearest friends. If they need a shoulder to cry on, if they need some spare dollars, if they need someone to look after their kids so they can have some needed time off, or if they need to realise the truth in their other friendships or family situations, I will be there for them. Admittedly, not many take up on my offer of physical or monetary help, as they know as a single mum, there isn't much time that coincides with their time off, but the offer is always there...
I know that my friends don't necessarily want a solution to their problems, and most just want to vent and get it off their chest, as I do to them, and in reality, that's what a real friendship is, just being there for each other.
But some friends look for ulterior motives for the reason behind your help, advice and yearning to just be a friend... and that saddens me that they can't see the genuine desire to just be a 'friend' for a friend in need. And unfortunately, it's those friends who need as many friends as they can get. They have serious trust issues, and live in a cocoon, not wanting to let people into their intense hurts, trials and tribulations. Once they do let go, and let people in, they then realise how much they needed to off-load their concerns and pains and feel like a new person. But they will always only do it when they are ready... and you can never force a friend to come to realise their own reality.
But for all my friends who know that I am there for them, no matter what hurts you have given me, and what hurts I have said to you to make you stronger and understand your reality, please know that I always cherish our friendship as a true friendship, and I will always be there for you, as your friend... a friend forever....
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Funerals...
I've had a few conversations about funerals this week. Admittedly, I went to a funeral of a beautiful man, who died at the ripe old age of 95 years old. His family, grand-children, daughter and son-in-law gave him the most fitting tribute for such a loving, caring quiet achiever who had a genuine life of balance and harmony in his life - a balance between work, family, fitness, hobbies, travel and love. From the memories I have of him, there is nothing negative to say about this man... he supported his family, he was dedicated to his passions and he lived within his means (with a little side interest in horse-racing, which was pointed out in the funeral). He was the perfect gentleman, someone many could look up to.
On the flip side, I was speaking to someone yesterday who was thinking of attending a funeral of an ex-work colleague, but then decided that he didn't want to hear the glorification of this man, a man who constantly badgered and bullied his acquaintances, showed little compassion and everyone was his 'mate' because he had no idea what their real name was. He was a man of power in his field, and used it extensively to get things that he wanted. Ok, that's the side my friend saw of this man, I'm sure there was a different side that his real friends and family saw in him. But he did bring up a point... why is it that at funerals, you generally only hear the good that the deceased person brought to this world, not their hurts and misdemeanours?
I did once go to a funeral where I knew the daughter had had troubles with her dad over the years and wasn't as close to him as she had preferred throughout his life. She was brave enough to stand there talking about him to her dad's friends and family, finding it difficult to say the good things about him but was able to say things that he did for other people, not for her... She did acknowledge that she had a strained relationship with her father, which as he became sicker, she tried to rectify, and thus made it easier to let him go to God.
But then there is the sad side of funerals... those who chose never to be married, never to have children and were devoid of having nieces and nephews to live for and cherish. They rely on friends who come and go, and are strongly dedicated to their work and their secret lives. When they die, who will attend their funeral? Will they even have a funeral? I know of many people through selling their homes who didn't have one - one was sent off to the crematorium with no final farewell. He existed in his own little shell, with the occasional strained contact from his kids after no contact with them for 20 years. What do authorities do when there is no one - no Will indicating an executor, no family or no real friends to deal with the aftermath?
I did have a giggle yesterday talking to my electrician about our ever-changing dependency. How we seem to be more dependent on technology than human contact. We laughed about the concept of our funeral notice stating 'her iPhone will sadly miss her as they were inseparable.' But, in reality, our iPhones, smart phones and computers allow us to bring our friends and family closer together... it's just that dependency on them when we are in the same room, worried about what the rest of the world can give them, rather than enjoying the 'here and now' time that people get disheartened with. The concept of the grass is always greener...
There are some who wonder who will ever attend their funeral if all their friends and family are dropping off around them, as they feel like they are going to a funeral every week... And that can be a bleak thought, knowing that you are the last of all those you love to finally leave this Earth, and it can be incredibly lonely, especially when all those who you've trusted over the years have gone.
But after the funeral of our dear friend last week, I did ask my boys, if I were to die tomorrow, what would they say about me? They were able to reel off many happy memories, many things that I gave them in terms of what they learned from me, the love that I gave them and the times that we share. It was nice knowing that they can only think positive things about me... and I hope that the positive thoughts can continue, as we now approach the pre-teen years and beyond.
On the flip side, I was speaking to someone yesterday who was thinking of attending a funeral of an ex-work colleague, but then decided that he didn't want to hear the glorification of this man, a man who constantly badgered and bullied his acquaintances, showed little compassion and everyone was his 'mate' because he had no idea what their real name was. He was a man of power in his field, and used it extensively to get things that he wanted. Ok, that's the side my friend saw of this man, I'm sure there was a different side that his real friends and family saw in him. But he did bring up a point... why is it that at funerals, you generally only hear the good that the deceased person brought to this world, not their hurts and misdemeanours?
I did once go to a funeral where I knew the daughter had had troubles with her dad over the years and wasn't as close to him as she had preferred throughout his life. She was brave enough to stand there talking about him to her dad's friends and family, finding it difficult to say the good things about him but was able to say things that he did for other people, not for her... She did acknowledge that she had a strained relationship with her father, which as he became sicker, she tried to rectify, and thus made it easier to let him go to God.
But then there is the sad side of funerals... those who chose never to be married, never to have children and were devoid of having nieces and nephews to live for and cherish. They rely on friends who come and go, and are strongly dedicated to their work and their secret lives. When they die, who will attend their funeral? Will they even have a funeral? I know of many people through selling their homes who didn't have one - one was sent off to the crematorium with no final farewell. He existed in his own little shell, with the occasional strained contact from his kids after no contact with them for 20 years. What do authorities do when there is no one - no Will indicating an executor, no family or no real friends to deal with the aftermath?
I did have a giggle yesterday talking to my electrician about our ever-changing dependency. How we seem to be more dependent on technology than human contact. We laughed about the concept of our funeral notice stating 'her iPhone will sadly miss her as they were inseparable.' But, in reality, our iPhones, smart phones and computers allow us to bring our friends and family closer together... it's just that dependency on them when we are in the same room, worried about what the rest of the world can give them, rather than enjoying the 'here and now' time that people get disheartened with. The concept of the grass is always greener...
There are some who wonder who will ever attend their funeral if all their friends and family are dropping off around them, as they feel like they are going to a funeral every week... And that can be a bleak thought, knowing that you are the last of all those you love to finally leave this Earth, and it can be incredibly lonely, especially when all those who you've trusted over the years have gone.
But after the funeral of our dear friend last week, I did ask my boys, if I were to die tomorrow, what would they say about me? They were able to reel off many happy memories, many things that I gave them in terms of what they learned from me, the love that I gave them and the times that we share. It was nice knowing that they can only think positive things about me... and I hope that the positive thoughts can continue, as we now approach the pre-teen years and beyond.
Friday, 24 August 2012
The Irony of our Weight...
On Monday, I'm starting the 'Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation Challenge.' An internet based program created by one of the personal trainers on 'The Biggest Loser.' For $200, you get a formatted exercise regime, menu plan and recipes to cook your 'menu plan', plus a diary to log your progress and show ALL the other '12 Week Body Transformation Challengers.' You also get support from Michelle and can vent your frustrations and joy on the forum. One of the pre-season training requirements is to 'say it out loud,' which means telling everyone that you know that you are doing this challenge, making you more accountable for your weight loss over the next 12 weeks. So here I am, telling all my loyal readers!
But it has made me think, how do we get here? How do we get to the point of putting on unwanted pounds? Is it because we are unhappy in ourselves, unhappy in our relationship, unhappy in our lifestyle? Are we working too hard, so we skip meals but then over do it at the wrong time of day? Are we forgetting to exercise?
For me, this year has been a stressful one... stress in my relationship, stress in my circumstances that what I wanted to happen this year just didn't eventuate and I had to change tact. Because of it all, I have sat at home wallowing in my self-defeat and forgetting to get out and move about. I will say, I've put on 7 kilos in the past 8 months, which is just horrendous, but I'm hoping to drop 15 kilos by Christmas... now that's a challenge! I'm ready to be get moving and motivated! I'm in the right headspace to do so...
It's funny though, I've known a couple of men who had porked on the pounds by excessive drinking and socialising over the years, then decided to do something about it. Not sure if they had relationship issues when they were excessively obese, but as soon as that weight came off (one of them has lost 70kgs), they certainly had relationship issues then! Both of them started having affairs as their wives didn't like their newly-found confidence in their husbands (possibly because they were not happy in their own skin and were jealous of their husbands' achievements), and the men were getting noticed. They realised what was missing in their relationship, love, compassion, lust and enjoyment of being a lover rather than a business partner in a marriage with the common interest of children. One of the men had the courage to leave his wife after his misdemeanour, the other is still trying to resurrect his marriage with date nights with his wife, gifts and spending genuine time together talking, but he's still got the girlfriend on the side.
So why does our weight bear a hinderance on who we are? Are all the layers of fat hiding the real person in side, the person who is screaming to get out but there are too many folds for anyone to listen? I think the first thing to realise is that we did this to ourselves... we can't blame anyone else, we didn't have the confidence to make an emotional stand for what we believe in, therefore those who trampled on our self-esteem got away with it, and we tend to provide comfort to ourselves via an escape through chocolate biscuits, candy, alcohol and greasy take-out food.
The key to a healthy life is to make exercise part of our day, like getting out of bed. I know I was at my best when I was running on the beach everyday - my personality was more exuberant, my confidence more electric and my mind was clear with what I needed to do in a day. Over the last few months, I have just feel so disorganised, unmotivated and clogged up with so much crap going on in my head, I had no idea what I wanted. But now, I'm ready to move on.
I have all my exercise equipment, my fitness DVDs, my food scales, a new wok to cook my delicious meals in, my pedometer, I've organised my workspace, got folders for my exercise program and recipes, and I'm raring to go. All I need to do now is my initial weigh in, fitness test and measurements so I can do that tragic before shot to see the transformation into the inspiring after shot.
So wish me luck, I will write a blog once a week on my progress with other incidental blogs in between. I hope I can inspire others to make a difference in their lives too. :)
But it has made me think, how do we get here? How do we get to the point of putting on unwanted pounds? Is it because we are unhappy in ourselves, unhappy in our relationship, unhappy in our lifestyle? Are we working too hard, so we skip meals but then over do it at the wrong time of day? Are we forgetting to exercise?
For me, this year has been a stressful one... stress in my relationship, stress in my circumstances that what I wanted to happen this year just didn't eventuate and I had to change tact. Because of it all, I have sat at home wallowing in my self-defeat and forgetting to get out and move about. I will say, I've put on 7 kilos in the past 8 months, which is just horrendous, but I'm hoping to drop 15 kilos by Christmas... now that's a challenge! I'm ready to be get moving and motivated! I'm in the right headspace to do so...
It's funny though, I've known a couple of men who had porked on the pounds by excessive drinking and socialising over the years, then decided to do something about it. Not sure if they had relationship issues when they were excessively obese, but as soon as that weight came off (one of them has lost 70kgs), they certainly had relationship issues then! Both of them started having affairs as their wives didn't like their newly-found confidence in their husbands (possibly because they were not happy in their own skin and were jealous of their husbands' achievements), and the men were getting noticed. They realised what was missing in their relationship, love, compassion, lust and enjoyment of being a lover rather than a business partner in a marriage with the common interest of children. One of the men had the courage to leave his wife after his misdemeanour, the other is still trying to resurrect his marriage with date nights with his wife, gifts and spending genuine time together talking, but he's still got the girlfriend on the side.
So why does our weight bear a hinderance on who we are? Are all the layers of fat hiding the real person in side, the person who is screaming to get out but there are too many folds for anyone to listen? I think the first thing to realise is that we did this to ourselves... we can't blame anyone else, we didn't have the confidence to make an emotional stand for what we believe in, therefore those who trampled on our self-esteem got away with it, and we tend to provide comfort to ourselves via an escape through chocolate biscuits, candy, alcohol and greasy take-out food.
The key to a healthy life is to make exercise part of our day, like getting out of bed. I know I was at my best when I was running on the beach everyday - my personality was more exuberant, my confidence more electric and my mind was clear with what I needed to do in a day. Over the last few months, I have just feel so disorganised, unmotivated and clogged up with so much crap going on in my head, I had no idea what I wanted. But now, I'm ready to move on.
I have all my exercise equipment, my fitness DVDs, my food scales, a new wok to cook my delicious meals in, my pedometer, I've organised my workspace, got folders for my exercise program and recipes, and I'm raring to go. All I need to do now is my initial weigh in, fitness test and measurements so I can do that tragic before shot to see the transformation into the inspiring after shot.
So wish me luck, I will write a blog once a week on my progress with other incidental blogs in between. I hope I can inspire others to make a difference in their lives too. :)
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Couples who sleep separately
Personally, I find it completely odd if a loving compromising selfless couple find it necessary to sleep in either separate beds or separate rooms. The majority of the conversational intimacy happens as you both settle down for your night's sleep, and sometimes that conversational intimacy can spontaneously lead to making love. It's the only time in our busy days that we can actually be a 'couple' without the extra forces of our lives - work, kids, extra-curricular activities, families, friends and finances, can interrupt. It's a sensual time of mind, body and spirit, and a couple's bed is their safe haven of personal togetherness space.
So why are the statistics as high as one in four American couples sleep in separate beds or separate rooms? Is that a crisis of denial that their marriage is over? A crisis of not being able to cope with each other's personal bed habits, i.e. snoring, bed hogging, tossing & turning or blanket hogging? Or is it a mutual acceptance that the intimacy is out of their relationship but they are only 'just good friends?'
I guess this comes off the blog I wrote about 'how good are the years?' I read a discussion thread of people who say that their parents have lived in separate bedrooms for years and have been happily married for 40 years. But is that what the children see and accept that their parents are 'happy' and their parents are very good at covering up the sad reality of their marriage from their children? Or should it be accepted as face value?
I read other discussion thread excepts that say that couples sleep apart most nights, but when they have guests over, they sleep together as 'not to be found out.' Are they hiding something from their friends that they aren't coming to terms with within themselves? Why should they need to hide it if they are happy with the arrangements?
Psychologists agree that the marital bed should be treated as their sacred place, so when they separate their marital place of worship, there is something not working in the relationship. Dr. Willard Harley, author of Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits That Destroy Romantic Love, says “Whenever I see a couple wanting private time—they want to be alone, they want their own friends, they don’t want to feel like they’re joined at the hip—my immediate question is, ‘What is it about being together that bothers you?’” Dr. Harley and some other psychologists feel that sleeping together is an integral part of any couple’s relationship, and it’s a necessary negotiation. Furthermore, demanding separate sleep space can be just a sign of people being self-absorbed and afraid of commitment. Marriage requires sacrifice and togetherness, and they see sleeping separately as the ultimate selfish indulgence. Some therapists look for underlying reasons that a couple might choose to sleep separately, such as if one party has a problem with sharing or compromise. Sleeping apart can be a sign of emotional distance.
(Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/22071/74191-couples-sleep-separate-beds#ixzz23yP3WH5M)
As a real estate copywriter in my day job, I do see a lot of 'separate bedrooms' and separate beds going on, and there is definitely a trend of building the 'family home' with two master suites - generally one upstairs and one downstairs, and it is usually discussed that the homes are designed this way to accommodate flexibility in the family needs as the family grows. For instance, couples prefer to sleep close to the children upstairs as the children are under six or seven, so that they are able to reach them quickly throughout the night, but as the children get older, the parents will retreat to the downstairs bedroom to have their own space, and the upstairs becomes a complete children's domain area, and the old master suite becomes the guest bedroom. Or the downstairs master suite serves well when grandparents move in temporarily or permanently so they don't have to worry about stairs. But when a couple who sells their home talk about their 'separate bedrooms' it is usually a sign that their marriage is over, as they are actually selling the home because they have come to terms with ending their marriage and are ready to split ways.
I know every marriage is different and our concept of togetherness is changing as our lives become more busy and put more demands on ourselves and our finances. But the concept of love and intimacy have been around for centuries, and most marriage vows include words to the affect of honouring each other, being there for each other in sickness and in health, being there for richer or poorer, love and comfort and to remain faithful. How can a marriage be honoured without finishing the day and starting the morning embracing their vows with each other in the same space? It truly is the selfishness of not finding out ways to compromise in their marital bed, by using earplugs to mask the snoring, using separate blankets to stop the blanket hogging, to learning to enjoy the cuddling in bed if someone takes over... if you can't make these compromises in your bed, then how can you make compromises in your day to day life? This is what tears the institution of marriage apart! And maybe those who do sleep separately, and have never been able to do so, should seriously think if their marriage was ever compatible in the first place.
Your wedded partner should be as comfortable to you as slipping on your favourite pair of slippers. It just feels right, in any particular circumstance that you're in, you know that those slippers will always make you feel good. And your partner, in any particular circumstance, should feel that right as well. If you can't sleep in the same bed and enjoy the intimacy that that mutual union represents, you should really take a step outside your marriage and look in to see what is really going on, and work out what really isn't right.
So why are the statistics as high as one in four American couples sleep in separate beds or separate rooms? Is that a crisis of denial that their marriage is over? A crisis of not being able to cope with each other's personal bed habits, i.e. snoring, bed hogging, tossing & turning or blanket hogging? Or is it a mutual acceptance that the intimacy is out of their relationship but they are only 'just good friends?'
I guess this comes off the blog I wrote about 'how good are the years?' I read a discussion thread of people who say that their parents have lived in separate bedrooms for years and have been happily married for 40 years. But is that what the children see and accept that their parents are 'happy' and their parents are very good at covering up the sad reality of their marriage from their children? Or should it be accepted as face value?
I read other discussion thread excepts that say that couples sleep apart most nights, but when they have guests over, they sleep together as 'not to be found out.' Are they hiding something from their friends that they aren't coming to terms with within themselves? Why should they need to hide it if they are happy with the arrangements?
Psychologists agree that the marital bed should be treated as their sacred place, so when they separate their marital place of worship, there is something not working in the relationship. Dr. Willard Harley, author of Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits That Destroy Romantic Love, says “Whenever I see a couple wanting private time—they want to be alone, they want their own friends, they don’t want to feel like they’re joined at the hip—my immediate question is, ‘What is it about being together that bothers you?’” Dr. Harley and some other psychologists feel that sleeping together is an integral part of any couple’s relationship, and it’s a necessary negotiation. Furthermore, demanding separate sleep space can be just a sign of people being self-absorbed and afraid of commitment. Marriage requires sacrifice and togetherness, and they see sleeping separately as the ultimate selfish indulgence. Some therapists look for underlying reasons that a couple might choose to sleep separately, such as if one party has a problem with sharing or compromise. Sleeping apart can be a sign of emotional distance.
(Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/22071/74191-couples-sleep-separate-beds#ixzz23yP3WH5M)
As a real estate copywriter in my day job, I do see a lot of 'separate bedrooms' and separate beds going on, and there is definitely a trend of building the 'family home' with two master suites - generally one upstairs and one downstairs, and it is usually discussed that the homes are designed this way to accommodate flexibility in the family needs as the family grows. For instance, couples prefer to sleep close to the children upstairs as the children are under six or seven, so that they are able to reach them quickly throughout the night, but as the children get older, the parents will retreat to the downstairs bedroom to have their own space, and the upstairs becomes a complete children's domain area, and the old master suite becomes the guest bedroom. Or the downstairs master suite serves well when grandparents move in temporarily or permanently so they don't have to worry about stairs. But when a couple who sells their home talk about their 'separate bedrooms' it is usually a sign that their marriage is over, as they are actually selling the home because they have come to terms with ending their marriage and are ready to split ways.
I know every marriage is different and our concept of togetherness is changing as our lives become more busy and put more demands on ourselves and our finances. But the concept of love and intimacy have been around for centuries, and most marriage vows include words to the affect of honouring each other, being there for each other in sickness and in health, being there for richer or poorer, love and comfort and to remain faithful. How can a marriage be honoured without finishing the day and starting the morning embracing their vows with each other in the same space? It truly is the selfishness of not finding out ways to compromise in their marital bed, by using earplugs to mask the snoring, using separate blankets to stop the blanket hogging, to learning to enjoy the cuddling in bed if someone takes over... if you can't make these compromises in your bed, then how can you make compromises in your day to day life? This is what tears the institution of marriage apart! And maybe those who do sleep separately, and have never been able to do so, should seriously think if their marriage was ever compatible in the first place.
Your wedded partner should be as comfortable to you as slipping on your favourite pair of slippers. It just feels right, in any particular circumstance that you're in, you know that those slippers will always make you feel good. And your partner, in any particular circumstance, should feel that right as well. If you can't sleep in the same bed and enjoy the intimacy that that mutual union represents, you should really take a step outside your marriage and look in to see what is really going on, and work out what really isn't right.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
A Melbourne re-invention
Since Fiji, we've done it all... an adventure in it's own right.
We jumped on the plane at Nadi and were told it was making a fuel stop in Brisbane, making our flight come in two hours after the scheduled time. In normal days, that would be OK. But we had no home to go to and turning up on someone's doorstep at 2am wouldn't really be appreciated, and I really couldn't justify booking a hotel for a 6 hour stay. So the boys and I camped in the car by a park (which had toilet facilities!) with a few blankets and our luggage surrounding us. We woke up at 7am, and decided to find a laundromat to get our holiday washing done. There was one in a neighbouring suburb, and before it was 8.30am, all our washing was washed, dried and nicely folded ready for its new home.
We then took my little one to the doctor, as he developed a light rash in Fiji (I think it was the sunscreen), went to the mall to get a few groceries and grab some breakfast and then headed down to my parents place for our second homeless night. A much more pleasant experience than previous ones.
On the Monday, we moved into our new abode. A converted fire station that's home to 5 apartments not too far away from our original home. There's heaps of space inside, and plenty of communal space outside, which just so happens to be the perfect place to meet the neighbours. I have a single mum with three teenage daughters - perfect for babysitting, and a couple next-door with 'his' step-brother who just happens to play in the local football team... and who just happened to invite the whole football team over for a party on Sunday night for pizza and beer. I get a knock on the door, asking if we want to join them, and we did. I bought my boys new scooters, and the 'big' boys decided to take them for a 'trial run' down to the shops and back, telling my boys that they will be 2 minutes, and they'd return an hour later with chocolates as a 'thank you.' They have an electric-heated spa out the back, and we've been invited to join in, whenever they have it going. So it really is great knowing that we've been made so welcome. Not sure who the people are upstairs yet - I believe a small family with boys my boys' ages, but have yet to see them.
So here we are, stuck in Melbourne but with a good vibe around us. Our weekend was full of activity - helping the morning-sick ridden 'director of food duties' at the canteen at the local hockey club while my youngest played his game, a birthday party for my boys (as their birthdays are 6 weeks apart, and I'd rather get the family together once in 6 weeks, right in the middle ;) ), a lunch at the pub with some high-school friends, followed by an invite to an indoor adventure playground, and then the impromptu evening with my neighbours. Who knows what's in store for this weekend?
We jumped on the plane at Nadi and were told it was making a fuel stop in Brisbane, making our flight come in two hours after the scheduled time. In normal days, that would be OK. But we had no home to go to and turning up on someone's doorstep at 2am wouldn't really be appreciated, and I really couldn't justify booking a hotel for a 6 hour stay. So the boys and I camped in the car by a park (which had toilet facilities!) with a few blankets and our luggage surrounding us. We woke up at 7am, and decided to find a laundromat to get our holiday washing done. There was one in a neighbouring suburb, and before it was 8.30am, all our washing was washed, dried and nicely folded ready for its new home.
We then took my little one to the doctor, as he developed a light rash in Fiji (I think it was the sunscreen), went to the mall to get a few groceries and grab some breakfast and then headed down to my parents place for our second homeless night. A much more pleasant experience than previous ones.
On the Monday, we moved into our new abode. A converted fire station that's home to 5 apartments not too far away from our original home. There's heaps of space inside, and plenty of communal space outside, which just so happens to be the perfect place to meet the neighbours. I have a single mum with three teenage daughters - perfect for babysitting, and a couple next-door with 'his' step-brother who just happens to play in the local football team... and who just happened to invite the whole football team over for a party on Sunday night for pizza and beer. I get a knock on the door, asking if we want to join them, and we did. I bought my boys new scooters, and the 'big' boys decided to take them for a 'trial run' down to the shops and back, telling my boys that they will be 2 minutes, and they'd return an hour later with chocolates as a 'thank you.' They have an electric-heated spa out the back, and we've been invited to join in, whenever they have it going. So it really is great knowing that we've been made so welcome. Not sure who the people are upstairs yet - I believe a small family with boys my boys' ages, but have yet to see them.
So here we are, stuck in Melbourne but with a good vibe around us. Our weekend was full of activity - helping the morning-sick ridden 'director of food duties' at the canteen at the local hockey club while my youngest played his game, a birthday party for my boys (as their birthdays are 6 weeks apart, and I'd rather get the family together once in 6 weeks, right in the middle ;) ), a lunch at the pub with some high-school friends, followed by an invite to an indoor adventure playground, and then the impromptu evening with my neighbours. Who knows what's in store for this weekend?
Friday, 3 August 2012
Day 6 - Fiji
Today was a bit of a humbling day. We couldn't do much as it rained, but I met some wonderful people who had some fascinating stories to tell.
I met a couple who were on their 10th trip to Fiji. They had just spent $255 on excess luggage to bring over a stack of goodies for the locals who work at the resort who have touched their hearts since they have been coming over.
One man, who is recently married plays rugby to stay off the streets. He has a team of fellow friends who are in the boat, only one has a job, the others work on the farm in their village to provide for their clans. This amazing couple asked him what he needs for his team, and he asked if he could have either socks or shorts so the boys could look like a team. Well this couple talked to some people in Australia and managed to get socks, shorts and jerseys for 15 players for $800 and brought them over to him, and gave them to him yesterday. He was stoked. He's told a couple of his team players, but will bring it to them on Sunday when they have their first match as a 'matching' team in black, red and gold. The couple will go and see them play and see the joy in their faces.
But then, the lady mentioned to the man that the four year old daughter of one of the cooks at the resort was killed in a nearby Village the other day. And the man who received the rugby uniforms said, yes she was my niece. Her dad had cut a coconut tree so he could put a netball net up so she could play, and because he cut all the leaves away, he killed the tree, and the root system gave way and fell on her as she was playing. She was in a coma for 2 days before before they decided that she wasn't responding and unplugged her from the system. She died on Wednesday, her funeral tomorrow. So sad for the community.
The couple who bought the rugby uniforms also bought other workers at the resort some bras, t-shirts, shorts and plenty of children's clothes for some of the other workers they consider their Fijian family, hence the reason for their excess luggage bill. It was truly humbling to see the joy and gratefulness that the Fijians had for these amazing people.
It does make you wonder how you can help more. I've asked the boys if next time we come here that we don't do the resort thing, but spend time helping and giving to a Village. They are happy to do so.
Recently the workers of Fiji has a pay rise. The average wage is between FJ$1.50 an hour to FJ$2.45 an hour. They received a FJ5c pay rise. It truly is a joke, especially when a bottle of Coke costs FJ$6.60. A true luxury in their eyes. But we must remember that they don't have to pay for their housing, as they inherit the land through their clans and Villages that stays with their families forever, they are self-sufficient on their land with fruit, vegetables, chickens, cows and they will fish and hunt for wild boars for feasts for their meat. They make their own mats with palm leaves and fabrics for clothing. And they only go to the supermarket for soap, washing powder and the occasional western item. Some Villages don't have electricity, most don't have flushing toilets. In fact, the couple I mentioned before said that they met one chief from a Village who said that he was so excited because they had just received 8 flushing toilets at a cost of FJ$360 for a Village of 360 people.... just shows us how much we take for granted. Only business owners own cars, and all cars are second hand from Japan, and most only need to get petrol to run their fishing boats. They live in a community where everyone helps, however the government don't even help with education. They must all pay the teachers to educate their kids.
But they are happy. Fiji survives on tourism, as 50% of their trade is tourism.
In the end, the wife of the couple mentioned to me that her husband was a street kid, so he is overly generous to people in need, as he had been there himself a few decades back and knows how it feels to live without. He is now a self-funded retiree who enjoys giving to all those who he can. It's his absolute pleasure.
There are some true angels in this world... I hope to meet and be inspired by so many more...
I met a couple who were on their 10th trip to Fiji. They had just spent $255 on excess luggage to bring over a stack of goodies for the locals who work at the resort who have touched their hearts since they have been coming over.
One man, who is recently married plays rugby to stay off the streets. He has a team of fellow friends who are in the boat, only one has a job, the others work on the farm in their village to provide for their clans. This amazing couple asked him what he needs for his team, and he asked if he could have either socks or shorts so the boys could look like a team. Well this couple talked to some people in Australia and managed to get socks, shorts and jerseys for 15 players for $800 and brought them over to him, and gave them to him yesterday. He was stoked. He's told a couple of his team players, but will bring it to them on Sunday when they have their first match as a 'matching' team in black, red and gold. The couple will go and see them play and see the joy in their faces.
But then, the lady mentioned to the man that the four year old daughter of one of the cooks at the resort was killed in a nearby Village the other day. And the man who received the rugby uniforms said, yes she was my niece. Her dad had cut a coconut tree so he could put a netball net up so she could play, and because he cut all the leaves away, he killed the tree, and the root system gave way and fell on her as she was playing. She was in a coma for 2 days before before they decided that she wasn't responding and unplugged her from the system. She died on Wednesday, her funeral tomorrow. So sad for the community.
The couple who bought the rugby uniforms also bought other workers at the resort some bras, t-shirts, shorts and plenty of children's clothes for some of the other workers they consider their Fijian family, hence the reason for their excess luggage bill. It was truly humbling to see the joy and gratefulness that the Fijians had for these amazing people.
It does make you wonder how you can help more. I've asked the boys if next time we come here that we don't do the resort thing, but spend time helping and giving to a Village. They are happy to do so.
Recently the workers of Fiji has a pay rise. The average wage is between FJ$1.50 an hour to FJ$2.45 an hour. They received a FJ5c pay rise. It truly is a joke, especially when a bottle of Coke costs FJ$6.60. A true luxury in their eyes. But we must remember that they don't have to pay for their housing, as they inherit the land through their clans and Villages that stays with their families forever, they are self-sufficient on their land with fruit, vegetables, chickens, cows and they will fish and hunt for wild boars for feasts for their meat. They make their own mats with palm leaves and fabrics for clothing. And they only go to the supermarket for soap, washing powder and the occasional western item. Some Villages don't have electricity, most don't have flushing toilets. In fact, the couple I mentioned before said that they met one chief from a Village who said that he was so excited because they had just received 8 flushing toilets at a cost of FJ$360 for a Village of 360 people.... just shows us how much we take for granted. Only business owners own cars, and all cars are second hand from Japan, and most only need to get petrol to run their fishing boats. They live in a community where everyone helps, however the government don't even help with education. They must all pay the teachers to educate their kids.
But they are happy. Fiji survives on tourism, as 50% of their trade is tourism.
In the end, the wife of the couple mentioned to me that her husband was a street kid, so he is overly generous to people in need, as he had been there himself a few decades back and knows how it feels to live without. He is now a self-funded retiree who enjoys giving to all those who he can. It's his absolute pleasure.
There are some true angels in this world... I hope to meet and be inspired by so many more...
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Day 5 - Fiji (Robinson Crusoe Island)
Bula!
Today we had another day trip - this time to Robinson Crusoe Island, We did this trip back in November 2008 and the snorkelling was so magical I just had to do it again... but unfortunately, today's waters were a little murky and even though we did see some brightly colour fish in the depths of the water, it was literally nothing like the natural aquarium we saw back in 2008. A little disappointing, but the Fijian hospitality was perfect as usual!
For those who've never done it, we were picked up in a tour bus from our hotel to take us to a floating tin can of a boat on the river. The river was full of mangroves and felt like you're in an episode of Survivor making your way to the unknown.
Today we had another day trip - this time to Robinson Crusoe Island, We did this trip back in November 2008 and the snorkelling was so magical I just had to do it again... but unfortunately, today's waters were a little murky and even though we did see some brightly colour fish in the depths of the water, it was literally nothing like the natural aquarium we saw back in 2008. A little disappointing, but the Fijian hospitality was perfect as usual!
For those who've never done it, we were picked up in a tour bus from our hotel to take us to a floating tin can of a boat on the river. The river was full of mangroves and felt like you're in an episode of Survivor making your way to the unknown.
We get to the river mouth and see the island paradise we will spend time on for the day. The picture is perfect! We are greeted by the 'Welcome Song' by the local Fijians and walk up to the area of festivities from the beach (looks amazing doesn't it! And I haven't adjusted ANY of these photos!)
We get told the order of the day before we go on a walking tour with the Medicine Man of the island medicine. There are the Vau tree, Dilo and another tree that I can't remember what it was, but the Fijians are having it tested to help cure cancer and even HIV/AIDs. Who knows? They may actually be a trillion dollar industry in pharmaceuticals in the next few years!
They then had a couple of Fijians climb the coconut trees and chop down enough coconuts for us to drink and eat their flesh. Amazing how carbonated the fresh coconut water is. Absolutely sublime!
We then went to see how lunch was doing, as it was being cooked in a Lovo - an underground oven of hot rocks and palm leaves, and some of the locals braved their feet to do some fire walking once lunch was removed!
Lunch was a lovely spread of pasta salad, rice salad, coleslaw, green salad, lovo cooked potatoes and sweet potatoes, and logo cooked fish, chicken and ham with some home-made bread rolls.
After lunch, they gave us a Fijian dancing show, followed by some fire-dancing!
After the show, we went snorkelling out on the reef, which as I said was disappointing... but I guess that's just natural. It became a little overcast, so I guess that didn't help with the clarity in the water.
We then had a special crab race and a little goodbye ceremony. The day was quite fun as the Fijians called the guests by their country - we had an assortment of Aussies, New Zealanders, Americans, Chinese and even Kenyans... these two beautiful women were so scared of something falling from a tree or being picked on, but they were good sports and so friendly.
And of course, I found my boys, more often than not on the swing hammocks!
All in all, a good day. But now I'm on a mission to find some more amazing places in this world to snorkel. I hear the Red Sea is possibly a good place!
Day 4 - Fiji
Bula!
Today was an amazing day with an early start. Koro, our tour bus driver picked us up at 8am. We were the only ones on the bus for about half an hour, so we got chatting. He has twin daughters who are bright - one wanting to be a doctor, the other a civil engineer and they are in Form 5 (Year 11). He desperately wants to get them to Australia to get into a good university, but recently they had their Visas denied, even though he had family over there to sponsor their stay. He lost FJ$1500 in Visa application fees, and when you work for FJ$1.90 an hour, it's a heartache that has no justice. So he keeps going, telling his girls that he will do what he needs to do for them, and the concentrate on what they need to do for them.
We then picked up our tour guide 'Jonah' a Tonga origin gay tour operator who was a wealth of knowledge about the types of plants in the Villages, the famous Fijians and their Villages, some of the language, history about Fijians and a little scare tactics including the fact that Fiji used to be called the Cannibal Islands for their cannibalism and that there are 'vegetarian' pirañas in the water. Made my boys question a couple of things!
We picked up some our tourists from Australia from the Navati Resort and the Warwick Resort & Spa (where we stayed last time) before we drove another hour and a half to a Fijian home where they served us morning tea of Fijian pancakes and a lemon cumquat drink. We then set off to the river - the river that Anaconda the movie was set.
Today was an amazing day with an early start. Koro, our tour bus driver picked us up at 8am. We were the only ones on the bus for about half an hour, so we got chatting. He has twin daughters who are bright - one wanting to be a doctor, the other a civil engineer and they are in Form 5 (Year 11). He desperately wants to get them to Australia to get into a good university, but recently they had their Visas denied, even though he had family over there to sponsor their stay. He lost FJ$1500 in Visa application fees, and when you work for FJ$1.90 an hour, it's a heartache that has no justice. So he keeps going, telling his girls that he will do what he needs to do for them, and the concentrate on what they need to do for them.
We then picked up our tour guide 'Jonah' a Tonga origin gay tour operator who was a wealth of knowledge about the types of plants in the Villages, the famous Fijians and their Villages, some of the language, history about Fijians and a little scare tactics including the fact that Fiji used to be called the Cannibal Islands for their cannibalism and that there are 'vegetarian' pirañas in the water. Made my boys question a couple of things!
We picked up some our tourists from Australia from the Navati Resort and the Warwick Resort & Spa (where we stayed last time) before we drove another hour and a half to a Fijian home where they served us morning tea of Fijian pancakes and a lemon cumquat drink. We then set off to the river - the river that Anaconda the movie was set.
We were on an un-named long boat, where the other half of our party were on a long boat called the 'Okay,' so we thought we must have been on the 'Not So Okay' until the 'Okay' had some engine troubles and then we were the 'Better than Okay!' We cruised for about forty-five minutes up the river till we found what looked like a golf-course for cows and then the Village we were visiting.
The Village we visited was called 'Nakavu Village' and they greeted us with the most amazing hospitality. First was their welcome song then their Kava ceremony, where we drank the powdered water of the kava root that gives a relaxed numbness to the tongue and body, similar to alcohol, but non-alcoholic. The boys had a go at drinking some!
Then they sang some traditional songs before we went out to the Village to see how they lived. Which is heartbreaking in one way, but they are so happy, so who are we to judge.
We then went to visit the school, were there are 8 teachers from Grade One to Grade 8 which is considered primary school, and even though they are in basic conditions, they were a joy to be around. This was the Grade 3/4 composite with Nick.
They even had a Pre-school class room for 3-5 year olds, but we visited at the time when they were at lunch. So off to lunch we went, and had a traditional Fijian feast of chicken curry, tapioca, taro with spinach, tuna sandwiches and some fresh fruit and vegetables, all supplied by their Village or Villagers.
After lunch, the Villagers did a traditional dance for us, while their counterparts sang and played their instruments.
Before they asked us all to dance a few songs including a Fijian style conga line.
Before we left, some of the children came out to greet us - so cute!
We bought some souvenirs and walked through the other part of the Village seeing their church and homes.
We then returned to our long boat and cruised on up the river through the rapids to a bamboo raft that took us to our waterfall.
Paul, our Villager (the one in the grass skirt) took us to the waterfall and gave us a 'hand-guided' tour, that was a little too friendly, if You know what I mean. But in some ways it was appreciated. His English was hard to understand, but we understood the important stuff (he was single, he worked 3 days a week in 'tourism' and that he was from the Village).
But the waterfall was amazing. We could jump from under the waterfall into the water, the water was so clean so fresh so beautiful, and we stayed there for about half an hour climbing over the rocks and feeling the pelting water on our backs.
Our long boat cruise took about an hour from the waterfall, then afternoon tea at the house of lemon tea and Fijian donuts (Nick ended up eating 17 of them!), then a 2.5 hour drive back to our resort. An amazing day all round... looking forward to tomorrow's adventure!
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