I have a friend going through a situation at the moment where she dearly wants someone in her life, and he seems to want her in his life, but he has decided that he is betraying his family and wife by having her as his lover, and has decided to keep her there as a friend, but no longer a lover.
Hmmm... is that still a betrayal to his family? Me thinks so.
Because, even if his wife or family found out about their communication, their friendship is still clandestine, therefore his family would consider it still to be a betrayal, as they should know who his friends are, and he should be able to speak about his friends openly. Hmmm... but he doesn't!
So, does my friend tell her 'ex-lover cum friend' that if they are friends, then he needs to tell his family about her and be open and honest about her to them; or they might as well continue on as lovers, because either way, he is still betraying his family.
Men just don't get it... they think that sex is what is the intimacy factor of their relationship, when really, it's the confiding and intimacy of conversation, that is where their wives lose all trust in them.
And the most amazing thing about all of this, is that his wife has been receiving information that he is up to no good, and he still continues the 'friendship' with my friend. And he tells my friend about it!! If he truly loved his wife and family more than my friend, he would have told my friend to leave him alone for good a long time ago... but he doesn't. For over a year now, they continue to communicate several times a day, see each other a few days a week, and literally have a wonderful time together.
So what's my friend say about all this? The problem is, she loves him. She knows they have something amazing between them, something that he and his wife just don't have. She knows she deserves better than being someone's sidekick, but she's willing to see it through because what they have seems to work with her lifestyle. She knows he will never leave his wife, and that's fine by her, because she doesn't want a full time lover. She just wants him to recognise what he's actually doing, and do the double life properly - loving both his wife and his mistress they way they both need, or give one away.
Really, men are their own worst enemies, aren't they? :)
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Past, Present, Future
I was thinking about how some people live in the past, others live for the present and others look to the future. I must admit, in some things, I'm a 'past' person, in other things, I'm a 'future' person, and not much of a 'present' person. So let me explain what I mean...
As a 'past' person, I cling heavily onto things people have said to me, bad or good. I remember things like, if someone says they prefer to be treated a certain way, then I will be true to that, if someone says they didn't like how someone treated them in a certain way, then I will be diligent to remember that and not go down the same path. If someone said something hurtful or something that blows me away with love and affection, those feelings will stay with me forever, even if circumstances change, the hurts or the loving words will always be with me.
And this is where I get myself undone. I will bring up those hurts or those loving words, or even the way someone suggested they prefer to be treated, mid-fight, mid-loving moment or even just mid-conversation, and I get strange looks, like - 'I said that a long time ago, why are you bringing that up now?', even if that 'long time ago' was only a matter of weeks. Mainly because those feelings, words or actions were something that were so powerful for me, that they affected the relationship that I have with that person, good or bad, and will live with me, possibly build up in me adding to my frustrations with that person or my love for that person, waiting to explode.
So is this really healthy, and should I learn to forgive the past and be more in tune with the present? I guess the real answer is 'yes.' But how is that possible, especially when you've been programmed to 'feel' a certain way? I guess it's understanding and realising what's worth holding onto, and what's not. Ending an argument with forgiveness, and forgetting. Of course, if a pattern arises and you feel like you are going in circles, then you have to learn to get off the merry-go-round and create new ways to live in a relationship, or let it go, but if the relationship is important to you, you both have to be willing to make the sacrifices to appease each other's needs. On the other side of the coin, when all words are positively loving but actions aren't backing up the love and affection (or vice versa), then you need to step back and see what the reality is. And that can be really hard to do...
As for me being a 'future' person, I tend to 'plan' a lot. Some people in my life prefer to take life one day at a time and don't like my passion for planning; others want to know the step-by-step accounts of my thought processes for their security in 'my security,' or how my future actions will affect them. Planning has its place, and some relationships have a foreseeable future, others are happy to be lived day by day. And I'm OK with that. But I've learnt with my planning that I do need to take each step one at a time, because if one step breaks and I don't have a new staircase to fall back onto, then I've got nowhere to go.
I'm sure there are a few of you out there who understand where I'm coming from, and I guess in the end, it's all human nature. But we all need to be more open about how we feel, respect each other's feelings and learn to live more in harmony. Life's too short to be holding grudges and hurts, but pivotal moments have to be made, possibly sacrificed to show mutual respect within a relationship. And I believe the key to it all is mutuality - knowing the boundaries of who you are dealing with and sincerely respecting them, as they should for you.
As a 'past' person, I cling heavily onto things people have said to me, bad or good. I remember things like, if someone says they prefer to be treated a certain way, then I will be true to that, if someone says they didn't like how someone treated them in a certain way, then I will be diligent to remember that and not go down the same path. If someone said something hurtful or something that blows me away with love and affection, those feelings will stay with me forever, even if circumstances change, the hurts or the loving words will always be with me.
And this is where I get myself undone. I will bring up those hurts or those loving words, or even the way someone suggested they prefer to be treated, mid-fight, mid-loving moment or even just mid-conversation, and I get strange looks, like - 'I said that a long time ago, why are you bringing that up now?', even if that 'long time ago' was only a matter of weeks. Mainly because those feelings, words or actions were something that were so powerful for me, that they affected the relationship that I have with that person, good or bad, and will live with me, possibly build up in me adding to my frustrations with that person or my love for that person, waiting to explode.
So is this really healthy, and should I learn to forgive the past and be more in tune with the present? I guess the real answer is 'yes.' But how is that possible, especially when you've been programmed to 'feel' a certain way? I guess it's understanding and realising what's worth holding onto, and what's not. Ending an argument with forgiveness, and forgetting. Of course, if a pattern arises and you feel like you are going in circles, then you have to learn to get off the merry-go-round and create new ways to live in a relationship, or let it go, but if the relationship is important to you, you both have to be willing to make the sacrifices to appease each other's needs. On the other side of the coin, when all words are positively loving but actions aren't backing up the love and affection (or vice versa), then you need to step back and see what the reality is. And that can be really hard to do...
As for me being a 'future' person, I tend to 'plan' a lot. Some people in my life prefer to take life one day at a time and don't like my passion for planning; others want to know the step-by-step accounts of my thought processes for their security in 'my security,' or how my future actions will affect them. Planning has its place, and some relationships have a foreseeable future, others are happy to be lived day by day. And I'm OK with that. But I've learnt with my planning that I do need to take each step one at a time, because if one step breaks and I don't have a new staircase to fall back onto, then I've got nowhere to go.
I'm sure there are a few of you out there who understand where I'm coming from, and I guess in the end, it's all human nature. But we all need to be more open about how we feel, respect each other's feelings and learn to live more in harmony. Life's too short to be holding grudges and hurts, but pivotal moments have to be made, possibly sacrificed to show mutual respect within a relationship. And I believe the key to it all is mutuality - knowing the boundaries of who you are dealing with and sincerely respecting them, as they should for you.
St Kilda's Hidden Secret
For the locals, they probably want to keep this one to themselves. But for me, it's truly one of the best hidden gems a mum could find. It's the Neptune Street Adventure Playground.
It's similar to an English private common - you know, those private gardens that only those whose backyards back onto it can use. Like where Julia Roberts took Hugh Grant to have their first kiss in Notting Hill. You know the one I mean! Anyway, Neptune Street's Adventure Playground much more fun, and is halfway down a park-like lane way, in a locked up community, only open to the public at certain hours. It was modelled off a similar playground in Denmark for children who live in high density communities and have no backyard space of their own, so it's a communal, safe space for families to enjoy, have a support network and enjoy a cup of tea. The children of St Kilda helped design the playground in the 1980s, adding murals, lots of fun ideas and colour.
There's a real flying fox, a number of trampolines including a championship in-ground tramp, a plane, an elephant, a tee-pee, a basketball half court, a half-pipe, fabulous slides, a go-kart track, a pirate ship, cubby houses, tree houses, a vegetable garden, climbing trees and even tea/coffee making facilities for mum and dad, plus toilets.
The adventure playground is only open between 3.30-5.30pm on school days, 11-5.30pm on the weekends & on school holidays, and 11-3pm on public holidays. The main issue for most, is trying to find parking to get to it, but for the locals, the parking issue makes it all the more their own without outside intruders. It's free to get into, so if you're eager to come see it, you'd be better off catching a tram or bus and walking a little to enjoy the beauty of this gorgeous playground.
Here are a sample of just a few things you can find at this playground... as you can see it's truly amazing - every little kid and every big kid's dream!
Neptune Street Adventure Playground is on Neptune Street, St Kilda in Melbourne Australia. Love it!!
It's similar to an English private common - you know, those private gardens that only those whose backyards back onto it can use. Like where Julia Roberts took Hugh Grant to have their first kiss in Notting Hill. You know the one I mean! Anyway, Neptune Street's Adventure Playground much more fun, and is halfway down a park-like lane way, in a locked up community, only open to the public at certain hours. It was modelled off a similar playground in Denmark for children who live in high density communities and have no backyard space of their own, so it's a communal, safe space for families to enjoy, have a support network and enjoy a cup of tea. The children of St Kilda helped design the playground in the 1980s, adding murals, lots of fun ideas and colour.
There's a real flying fox, a number of trampolines including a championship in-ground tramp, a plane, an elephant, a tee-pee, a basketball half court, a half-pipe, fabulous slides, a go-kart track, a pirate ship, cubby houses, tree houses, a vegetable garden, climbing trees and even tea/coffee making facilities for mum and dad, plus toilets.
The adventure playground is only open between 3.30-5.30pm on school days, 11-5.30pm on the weekends & on school holidays, and 11-3pm on public holidays. The main issue for most, is trying to find parking to get to it, but for the locals, the parking issue makes it all the more their own without outside intruders. It's free to get into, so if you're eager to come see it, you'd be better off catching a tram or bus and walking a little to enjoy the beauty of this gorgeous playground.
Here are a sample of just a few things you can find at this playground... as you can see it's truly amazing - every little kid and every big kid's dream!
Neptune Street Adventure Playground is on Neptune Street, St Kilda in Melbourne Australia. Love it!!
Monday, 28 May 2012
Living the Life!
Yesterday we moved to St Kilda as a temporary place before we set off on the BIG trip we tried to start at the beginning of the year.
For all those who don't know Melbourne, St Kilda is the lifestyle capital of Melbourne. It has an eclectic array of places from brothels to elaborate beachfront mansions, homeless shelters to retro apartments, to iconic cultural tourist attractions to backpacker hovels. It really has everything. The wining and dining is rich in ethnicity as well as quality, the architecture is amazing, and the lifestyle is second to none. The owner of our little abode for the next couple of months has lived in St Kilda most of his life, and says that when he lived here, he only travelled about 2000 kilometres a year in his car, as everything is so central, or it's just so easy to catch public transport, go grocery shopping or simply meet up with friends in a trendy cafe. Your friends tend to gravitate to you rather than you go to the suburbs to see them. It's the beauty of St Kilda.
The place we have is on the 2nd floor (top floor) of a classic 1960s building. Three levels of stairs to climb gives us a sweeping view of the bay, the glistening lights of Brighton Road and a glorious panoramic view of the stunning bluestone church built in 1872, the St Kilda Presbyterian Church. The apartment is fully renovated with timber floors in the open plan living area, granite fully stocked kitchen, sparkling spa bathroom, 2 large bedrooms & a Euro laundry. Everything is thought of including hotel touches of French shampoos and soaps, an endless supply of towels, luxurious sheets and a library of inspirational books.
Last night, we went for a walk down to Fitzroy Street for dinner at Topolinos. We by-passed the hooker standing at the top of our street (who just happened to be still standing there when we returned!), and walked the five minutes to the restaurant mecca of St Kilda. It was a beautiful still night, not too crisp a winter's night yet, but a perfect start to our St Kilda lifestyle.
Today, we will venture down to the Neptune Street adventure playground to see what all the fuss is about! Apparently, it has something for kids of all ages (including me!). There's so much to do... a walk around Albert Park Lake, walks along the beach, a tranquil stroll through St Kilda Botanical Gardens, a tram ride to the city, Luna Park, overseas bands playing at the Palais, a grunge fest at the Espy... all the things I wished I had the time to do, and now that it's on my doorstep, I don't think I have any excuses. Let's see how much we can cram into the next 2 months!
For all those who don't know Melbourne, St Kilda is the lifestyle capital of Melbourne. It has an eclectic array of places from brothels to elaborate beachfront mansions, homeless shelters to retro apartments, to iconic cultural tourist attractions to backpacker hovels. It really has everything. The wining and dining is rich in ethnicity as well as quality, the architecture is amazing, and the lifestyle is second to none. The owner of our little abode for the next couple of months has lived in St Kilda most of his life, and says that when he lived here, he only travelled about 2000 kilometres a year in his car, as everything is so central, or it's just so easy to catch public transport, go grocery shopping or simply meet up with friends in a trendy cafe. Your friends tend to gravitate to you rather than you go to the suburbs to see them. It's the beauty of St Kilda.
The place we have is on the 2nd floor (top floor) of a classic 1960s building. Three levels of stairs to climb gives us a sweeping view of the bay, the glistening lights of Brighton Road and a glorious panoramic view of the stunning bluestone church built in 1872, the St Kilda Presbyterian Church. The apartment is fully renovated with timber floors in the open plan living area, granite fully stocked kitchen, sparkling spa bathroom, 2 large bedrooms & a Euro laundry. Everything is thought of including hotel touches of French shampoos and soaps, an endless supply of towels, luxurious sheets and a library of inspirational books.
Last night, we went for a walk down to Fitzroy Street for dinner at Topolinos. We by-passed the hooker standing at the top of our street (who just happened to be still standing there when we returned!), and walked the five minutes to the restaurant mecca of St Kilda. It was a beautiful still night, not too crisp a winter's night yet, but a perfect start to our St Kilda lifestyle.
Today, we will venture down to the Neptune Street adventure playground to see what all the fuss is about! Apparently, it has something for kids of all ages (including me!). There's so much to do... a walk around Albert Park Lake, walks along the beach, a tranquil stroll through St Kilda Botanical Gardens, a tram ride to the city, Luna Park, overseas bands playing at the Palais, a grunge fest at the Espy... all the things I wished I had the time to do, and now that it's on my doorstep, I don't think I have any excuses. Let's see how much we can cram into the next 2 months!
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Being a little nostalgic at the movies...
I took my boys to see Men In Black 3 last night. The cinema we went to was the cinema I first went to when I was a child. Admittedly, it's had a modern transformation since it was at the back of a paddock in the main shopping strip when I went to see World Safari 2 with Alby Mangels! However, the Dendy cinema in Brighton has some eclectic reminders of its past, including the original Wurlitzer Organ taking pride of place in the front left hand side of the cinema from the times of the silent film, news reels and when a cinema used to be a theatre for plays, recitals and community information.
As the boys and I waited for the cinema to be cleaned, I introduced to my boys the history of the caramel centred chewy chocolate called the 'Fantale.' Fantales are iconic lollies to have at the cinema in Australia as their wrappers are filled with trivia about movies and movie stars. I ate my first Fantale, and to pass the time, I decided to do a 'Fantale wrapper tear' to make a long string out of one wrapper. If you don't know what I mean, it's basically, tearing a small strip of the wrapper from one corner, and continuing the same thickness of the tear around the edge of the wrapper, until you break it, or you spiral around the wrapper and have one long string of wrapper. My oldest son said he did one at a school camp with a Mintie wrapper (which is also an iconic lolly to have at the cinemas - both lollies made from Australia's famous Allens Confectioners).
Anyway, I managed to tear the Fantale wrapper all the way to the end. I asked the boys to stretch it out to see how long it was, but it was hard to get a real understanding how long it actually was. So my youngest stood on the edge of it, and we stretched it to see if it was as tall as he was... it was and beyond! So we got my oldest son to stand on it, and it was about his height... around 140cm. So a 5cm square wrapper turned out to be 140cm long... not a bad effort if I may say so myself!
Anyway, that was the end of the nostalgia, as the movie was in 3D with plenty of visual effects, no romantic love scenes, and after about two-thirds of the bag of Fantales in my tummy while waiting for this movie to start, the alien life forms in the movie really made my stomach squirm and my body want to leave.. but I stayed for the sake of the boys and watched the ho-hum movie. A great movie for special effects, and if you don't mind jumping back and forth from different decades, but it lacked in any pivotal plot making excitement. For me, there was a sleep factor (yes, I dozed off), but for my boys, they left a little lack lustre.
Sometimes you do wonder about these film makers, if they are more interested in the costly visual effects or finding a mind-blowing script to accentuate the film with visual effects. Because there have been a series of films I've seen recently which really don't even know what a plot really is, or comedic value. As Men in Black lacked in both. Sorry Barry Sonnenfeld.
As the boys and I waited for the cinema to be cleaned, I introduced to my boys the history of the caramel centred chewy chocolate called the 'Fantale.' Fantales are iconic lollies to have at the cinema in Australia as their wrappers are filled with trivia about movies and movie stars. I ate my first Fantale, and to pass the time, I decided to do a 'Fantale wrapper tear' to make a long string out of one wrapper. If you don't know what I mean, it's basically, tearing a small strip of the wrapper from one corner, and continuing the same thickness of the tear around the edge of the wrapper, until you break it, or you spiral around the wrapper and have one long string of wrapper. My oldest son said he did one at a school camp with a Mintie wrapper (which is also an iconic lolly to have at the cinemas - both lollies made from Australia's famous Allens Confectioners).
Anyway, I managed to tear the Fantale wrapper all the way to the end. I asked the boys to stretch it out to see how long it was, but it was hard to get a real understanding how long it actually was. So my youngest stood on the edge of it, and we stretched it to see if it was as tall as he was... it was and beyond! So we got my oldest son to stand on it, and it was about his height... around 140cm. So a 5cm square wrapper turned out to be 140cm long... not a bad effort if I may say so myself!
Anyway, that was the end of the nostalgia, as the movie was in 3D with plenty of visual effects, no romantic love scenes, and after about two-thirds of the bag of Fantales in my tummy while waiting for this movie to start, the alien life forms in the movie really made my stomach squirm and my body want to leave.. but I stayed for the sake of the boys and watched the ho-hum movie. A great movie for special effects, and if you don't mind jumping back and forth from different decades, but it lacked in any pivotal plot making excitement. For me, there was a sleep factor (yes, I dozed off), but for my boys, they left a little lack lustre.
Sometimes you do wonder about these film makers, if they are more interested in the costly visual effects or finding a mind-blowing script to accentuate the film with visual effects. Because there have been a series of films I've seen recently which really don't even know what a plot really is, or comedic value. As Men in Black lacked in both. Sorry Barry Sonnenfeld.
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Some Dads are Heroes
Today I met this dedicated Dad who's life fell apart when his wife ran off with his best friend. He worked 6 days a week as a butcher, creating a beautiful lifestyle for his family, his three boys. While working hard, giving his boys the best he could, his oldest son told him that his wife was drinking alcohol while driving the boys to school... soon after, she left, moved to Queensland from Melbourne, and demanded a weird custody arrangement where she wanted full custody of the youngest son, 50% custody of the middle son, and didn't want any custody of the older son, as she suspected he had A.D.D. He took his wife to court, demanding 100% custody of all the boys, as he felt she wasn't fit to be a mother.
He won full custody. She has seen her sons twelve times in the past two years, and he has given up his businesses to raise his boys.
Since she left, their son who had suspected A.D.D. has had a rebirth. His grades are in the highest in his class, he's dedicated to his studies and his Dad has given him the time of day that he needed to become a better person. There is no sign of any disorder in him. Their middle son, struggles with reading and writing, but perseveres as his Dad helps him, he doesn't play at lunch so he can study and get better... he essentially has a learning disorder but knows he needs to put the time in to make it happen. He is, however, wonderful with his hands, loves to tinker with mechanics and is quick witted like a comedian. Their youngest son is only three, and is Dad's right hand man around the house.
This Dad has no life outside his boys. He has no social life as he lost his best friend and his wife, he admitted that he hasn't been with a woman in two years, and no one wants to help him with his kids. His mum comes to help clean the house once a week, but he's too humble to ask anyone for anything more. He lost his licence for six months, and they all took up cycling which he said was the best summer he's ever had with his boys - cycling to the beach, cycling to the park, just spending time together and teaching them the road. He takes a backpack each day to the supermarket and gets his groceries. He makes life happen.
And even though his life is on hold, he said he'd dearly love a little girl to spoil... maybe even another seven kids... he loves them so much. He truly is a hero of a Dad.
He won full custody. She has seen her sons twelve times in the past two years, and he has given up his businesses to raise his boys.
Since she left, their son who had suspected A.D.D. has had a rebirth. His grades are in the highest in his class, he's dedicated to his studies and his Dad has given him the time of day that he needed to become a better person. There is no sign of any disorder in him. Their middle son, struggles with reading and writing, but perseveres as his Dad helps him, he doesn't play at lunch so he can study and get better... he essentially has a learning disorder but knows he needs to put the time in to make it happen. He is, however, wonderful with his hands, loves to tinker with mechanics and is quick witted like a comedian. Their youngest son is only three, and is Dad's right hand man around the house.
This Dad has no life outside his boys. He has no social life as he lost his best friend and his wife, he admitted that he hasn't been with a woman in two years, and no one wants to help him with his kids. His mum comes to help clean the house once a week, but he's too humble to ask anyone for anything more. He lost his licence for six months, and they all took up cycling which he said was the best summer he's ever had with his boys - cycling to the beach, cycling to the park, just spending time together and teaching them the road. He takes a backpack each day to the supermarket and gets his groceries. He makes life happen.
And even though his life is on hold, he said he'd dearly love a little girl to spoil... maybe even another seven kids... he loves them so much. He truly is a hero of a Dad.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Psychological Projection
How many times do you remember having a fight with your significant other for something they were blaming you for, but you never did it? You could count it on both hands, couldn't you? It's funny, because at the time, you couldn't think what you had done wrong, or what you did to make them think that way, or saying exactly what they are saying you said? And my epiphany today, is that there is a psychological reason behind it all... and it's call 'psychological projection', or 'Freudian projection'.
For example, a situation I'm in constantly is one with my lover. He is always telling me that I am attacking his family life, saying horrible things about his wife and making out that it's all bad, only because I keep asking him, if his family is so wonderful, why am I in his life? Of course, I don't get a straight answer to my question, because I am 'attacking' his precious family. But through my question, I am not 'attacking' his family as he so 'projects,' I am asking a sincere question about my place in his life. But in the true essence, what he doesn't realise, is that it is 'he' who is attacking his family life by running the risk of having me in his life.... It was an a-ha moment... that I am not the enemy that he is constantly suggesting, as it is HE who is the enemy to his own life. I am not the one who will lose everything if our secret gets found out, it is he who will lose the lot. And that scares him, so he 'projects' the blame on to me to make himself feel better.
And I'm not new to this. My ex-husband was the same. He would blame me for either not giving him enough time to help him with his business, or that I was getting in the way of how he wanted to run his business, so whatever I did, I wasn't doing it right, and therefore, I was to blame for his business failing.
'Psychological projection' is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, and then projects them to the outside world, usually to other people. They then imagine that the other person was the origin of the feelings, thoughts or attributes. They take the anxiety off themselves when they project it onto someone else unconsciously, thus getting upset or anger with the person that they projected those ideas onto, as the conscious mind doesn't recognise that they are the ones who actually came up with the idea, thought or emotion in the first place. It is purely a defence mechanism for the 'projector', protecting themselves of hurt and their own actions.
So next time you are confused about what you've done wrong, realise that maybe you didn't do a thing wrong, and it is your fighting buddy who can't live with their own truth.
For example, a situation I'm in constantly is one with my lover. He is always telling me that I am attacking his family life, saying horrible things about his wife and making out that it's all bad, only because I keep asking him, if his family is so wonderful, why am I in his life? Of course, I don't get a straight answer to my question, because I am 'attacking' his precious family. But through my question, I am not 'attacking' his family as he so 'projects,' I am asking a sincere question about my place in his life. But in the true essence, what he doesn't realise, is that it is 'he' who is attacking his family life by running the risk of having me in his life.... It was an a-ha moment... that I am not the enemy that he is constantly suggesting, as it is HE who is the enemy to his own life. I am not the one who will lose everything if our secret gets found out, it is he who will lose the lot. And that scares him, so he 'projects' the blame on to me to make himself feel better.
And I'm not new to this. My ex-husband was the same. He would blame me for either not giving him enough time to help him with his business, or that I was getting in the way of how he wanted to run his business, so whatever I did, I wasn't doing it right, and therefore, I was to blame for his business failing.
'Psychological projection' is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, and then projects them to the outside world, usually to other people. They then imagine that the other person was the origin of the feelings, thoughts or attributes. They take the anxiety off themselves when they project it onto someone else unconsciously, thus getting upset or anger with the person that they projected those ideas onto, as the conscious mind doesn't recognise that they are the ones who actually came up with the idea, thought or emotion in the first place. It is purely a defence mechanism for the 'projector', protecting themselves of hurt and their own actions.
So next time you are confused about what you've done wrong, realise that maybe you didn't do a thing wrong, and it is your fighting buddy who can't live with their own truth.
Friday, 18 May 2012
Sex in Odd Places
I want to start a new segment here... At Sex and the Single Mum, we are all friends... we have no secrets and we and open about our lives. So here I invite you all to add your experiences of weird and whacky places that your parents don't need to know, but possibly did themselves, where you have done the 'deed.'
Over the last few days, I've asked a few friends of fun places they have explored - some that are shocking, others that are common. For instance, how many times have you had sex in a communal bedroom - a hotel room with the kids beside you sleeping, a camp out with everyone sleeping in sleeping bags and sneaking into your boyfriend's sleeping bag half way through the night? For me, I've enjoyed some of my first experiences at the beach, in a church and in a pool. The pure fun of being a teenager. The concept of getting caught can be exhilarating and add to the sensual experience. Yes it can be uncomfortable, but it's the act of being able to give your sex life some excitement, that truly makes it worth while, and of course, memorable.
Of course, there's the mile high club, but other funky places are cemeteries, shopping centre toilet cubicles, fitting rooms in boutiques, which I haven't tried myself, but would love to give it a go one day.
One of the most interesting chances I had would have been my honeymoon, where we were taken to a remote deserted island from our Whitsunday destination, complete with picnic basket and a 4 hour window between drop off and pick up. My then husband and I decided that we would try making love in the shallows of the water. He was utterly hopeless as I don't think he had ever tried having sex that wasn't on a bed or a couch (well he certainly didn't with me), but I encouraged him to try something different. As we tried to do the act without pumping too much sea water into me, the sand next to us shook and made us jump. We had no idea what it was - quick sand, earthquake.... no it was a sleeping 2 foot diameter stingray disturbed by our awkward motions shaking the sand off itself to find a new place to rest.
In recent times with my lover, we have had our fun in a tourist parking lot near the Twelve Apostles, in his wife's car!!, at restaurants, in a hot spring, in a pool and we did attempt to do it in the ladies room once, but there was too much foot traffic!
I don't think you are too old or two young to have an exhilarating sex life, you just need to know how to spice it up with fun and frivolity.
Over the last few days, I've asked a few friends of fun places they have explored - some that are shocking, others that are common. For instance, how many times have you had sex in a communal bedroom - a hotel room with the kids beside you sleeping, a camp out with everyone sleeping in sleeping bags and sneaking into your boyfriend's sleeping bag half way through the night? For me, I've enjoyed some of my first experiences at the beach, in a church and in a pool. The pure fun of being a teenager. The concept of getting caught can be exhilarating and add to the sensual experience. Yes it can be uncomfortable, but it's the act of being able to give your sex life some excitement, that truly makes it worth while, and of course, memorable.
Of course, there's the mile high club, but other funky places are cemeteries, shopping centre toilet cubicles, fitting rooms in boutiques, which I haven't tried myself, but would love to give it a go one day.
One of the most interesting chances I had would have been my honeymoon, where we were taken to a remote deserted island from our Whitsunday destination, complete with picnic basket and a 4 hour window between drop off and pick up. My then husband and I decided that we would try making love in the shallows of the water. He was utterly hopeless as I don't think he had ever tried having sex that wasn't on a bed or a couch (well he certainly didn't with me), but I encouraged him to try something different. As we tried to do the act without pumping too much sea water into me, the sand next to us shook and made us jump. We had no idea what it was - quick sand, earthquake.... no it was a sleeping 2 foot diameter stingray disturbed by our awkward motions shaking the sand off itself to find a new place to rest.
In recent times with my lover, we have had our fun in a tourist parking lot near the Twelve Apostles, in his wife's car!!, at restaurants, in a hot spring, in a pool and we did attempt to do it in the ladies room once, but there was too much foot traffic!
I don't think you are too old or two young to have an exhilarating sex life, you just need to know how to spice it up with fun and frivolity.
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Surfers Paradise - a weekend away
I decided to take my boys up to the Gold Coast as my Mothers Day present to me! We caught up with a dear friend from high school who I haven't seen since school - 21 years ago!! However, we've talked so much over the past 3 years as we have been through the ending of one era and onto the next.
My friend has 4 children, with only one boy in the mix, who just happens to be almost 8, so he was really excited to have some boys to wrestle with. My boys were happy that they had a pool and a huge trampoline to play with.... dodge ball on the trampoline seemed to be a goer and something that us parents had one eye open to in case there was a call to emergency needed. After a late afternoon/evening of wrestling, swimming, running and laughing, my friend found her son asleep on the floor at her feet, while Kurtis slept on me on the couch, and Nick sitting on the side, still eager to play.
Today, we had a day by ourselves and we went to Wet 'N' Wild... a fabulous water theme park. It was a beautiful 27 degrees today, surprisingly the theme park was pleasantly busy, but luckily there was hardly any waiting in lines, if not at all, which made the day all the more perfect. We went on the Aqua Loop, the River Rapids, the Jetstreamer, the Tornado, the Black Hole, the Kamikaze, Mammoth Falls, the wave pool, amongst others and the boys had a go body-boarding on the Flowrider. There were A LOT of stairs to climb, and most carrying up a big chunk of plastic formed in the shape of a blow up raft, but it was well worth it on the end. As for water parks, it shits all over Adventure Park we have in Melbourne for rides, lines, services and amenities. So the boys gave me extra big hugs thanking me for bringing me there. And I rewarded them with a monster ice-cream cone each with a chocolate dipped waffle cone to finish them off!
As soon as we hit the car, Nick fell asleep, head up catching flies in the most uncomfortable position. We made it back to our hotel for a little wind down time, and Nick spread eagled himself over the queen size bed, he and his brother were sharing and continued to sleep. And sleep he did... another hour and a half. Kurtis and I attempted to wake him so we could go to dinner. It was a half hour wrestle of poking and prodding, tickling and squishing his face before I dragged him off the edge and made him walk.
We walked out the door, had a huge whiff of whacky green stuff coming from next door (love hotel living!), and went out for dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. We couldn't sit at a table straight away, so we were sent to the bar to spend $48 on cocktails - mocktails for the boys, Cosmopolitan for me.
My friend has 4 children, with only one boy in the mix, who just happens to be almost 8, so he was really excited to have some boys to wrestle with. My boys were happy that they had a pool and a huge trampoline to play with.... dodge ball on the trampoline seemed to be a goer and something that us parents had one eye open to in case there was a call to emergency needed. After a late afternoon/evening of wrestling, swimming, running and laughing, my friend found her son asleep on the floor at her feet, while Kurtis slept on me on the couch, and Nick sitting on the side, still eager to play.
Today, we had a day by ourselves and we went to Wet 'N' Wild... a fabulous water theme park. It was a beautiful 27 degrees today, surprisingly the theme park was pleasantly busy, but luckily there was hardly any waiting in lines, if not at all, which made the day all the more perfect. We went on the Aqua Loop, the River Rapids, the Jetstreamer, the Tornado, the Black Hole, the Kamikaze, Mammoth Falls, the wave pool, amongst others and the boys had a go body-boarding on the Flowrider. There were A LOT of stairs to climb, and most carrying up a big chunk of plastic formed in the shape of a blow up raft, but it was well worth it on the end. As for water parks, it shits all over Adventure Park we have in Melbourne for rides, lines, services and amenities. So the boys gave me extra big hugs thanking me for bringing me there. And I rewarded them with a monster ice-cream cone each with a chocolate dipped waffle cone to finish them off!
As soon as we hit the car, Nick fell asleep, head up catching flies in the most uncomfortable position. We made it back to our hotel for a little wind down time, and Nick spread eagled himself over the queen size bed, he and his brother were sharing and continued to sleep. And sleep he did... another hour and a half. Kurtis and I attempted to wake him so we could go to dinner. It was a half hour wrestle of poking and prodding, tickling and squishing his face before I dragged him off the edge and made him walk.
We walked out the door, had a huge whiff of whacky green stuff coming from next door (love hotel living!), and went out for dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. We couldn't sit at a table straight away, so we were sent to the bar to spend $48 on cocktails - mocktails for the boys, Cosmopolitan for me.
But the boys got to get a special 'Hard Rock Cafe' glass as part of the exorbitant deal.
No long after, we sat at our table, and I was already pleasantly happy. The boys were consumed in their activity menu and crayons all proclaiming the 'Rock, Re-use, Recycle' theme, while we had Ike & Tina Turner looking over us at our table. Zoe, our 'server' (very American!) looked after us with a smile. She was the first to shout out it was someone's birthday in the iconic rock memorabilia cafe, and make the whole establishment join in - including bartenders throwing wine bottles in the bin to make them shatter. The boys had the standard kids' fare off the menu, while I went for the barramundi and fries (fish n chips!) with Caesar salad on the side. One of my croutons bounced off my plate as the fork tried to pierce it, and it bounced from the plate to the booth seat onto the floor, which I nicely ignored, until I caught Zoe cleaning up a mess, upon which I apologised for 'croutoning the floor'. She said it was fine, until she stood on it and felt the crumbling breadcrumbs under her feet. I downed a Strawberry Daiquiri, and felt myself in a pleasantly happy state.
As we left the building, we were reminded to pick up our free glasses from the shop downstairs. I went in to an empty shop, minus two sales people, and said "I have a receipt, aren't I lucky?" Upon which I swapped the receipt for the two free glasses in boxes and a nice brown paper bag! Bonus!! (sorry, if it sounds sarcastic, but it was one of the moments that you had to be there to see the humour in the situation).
So all in all a good day. Something, that my overseas lover couldn't even put a dampener on as he has continued his rampage of devoting his love to God and the morality of his family... hmmm, me thinks he's a little too late for all that, but still wants me around... what the?! :)
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Same sex marriages
So Obama has agreed that acknowledging same sex marriages, or same sex unions is positive for society. I have some conservative American friends who would be appalled at the concept, but then I have some amazing gay and lesbian friends who would be lost without each other and life without acknowledging their love for each other civilly would be heartbreaking for them.
It's interesting seeing Obama's 'evolving' ways. He sees life through the eyes of his children and understands that his idea of 'normal' is completely different to his children's concept of 'normal.' His children have friends with same-sex parents, and they don't see anything wrong with their relationship. Their friends come from a loving environment, with two parents (not necessarily biological), but definitely parents who have the best interest for their children, create opportunities for their children and welcome all without judgment and hostility. Sometimes, it's better than a traditional marriage/family relationship, because there is mutual respect as they have had to fight society for what they believe in and want in their lives.
I was listening to some arguments this morning on breakfast radio, and the main argument for why we shouldn't allow gay & lesbian legal unions is 'where will it stop? If we allow two adults of the same sex to legally wed, then why won't they let us marry animals, or children, or buildings, or by polygamists?' But the concept of a gay or straight union is still the same - two consenting adults who love each other wanting it to be recognised by law that they are legally together, for the sake of Wills, next of kin, Power of Attorney, children's matters, anything that may pop up because the law doesn't agree with their relationship. Can you imagine the obstacles that gay & lesbian couples have to deal with certain issues?
Our concept of 'normal society' is different from our parents concept. The world changes, and we all have to accept change. If governments around the world passed legislation to allowed gay and lesbian couples to legally wed, the conventionalists will soon have to change their thoughts and fears to acknowledge that if it's legal, it's OK. And I think that's the main issue here... religious people who comb the Bible for immoral concepts, are generally the ones who are against gay and lesbian relationships, but once it's made legal in the eyes of the law, they have nothing to fall back on, but be accepting.
I'm definitely an advocate for not being able to choose who we love. We fall in love with whomever shows us interest, we have commonality with, who we're attracted to, who gives us the attention and love we need. Love connections are ethereal, if it's between a man and a woman, or the same sex. It should never be a government or a religion who decides who we love, it's a transcendent bond between two people.
So for all my gay and lesbian readers, it sounds like it's a historic day of another small step for civil rights today... I hope it's not too long before you can properly celebrate!
It's interesting seeing Obama's 'evolving' ways. He sees life through the eyes of his children and understands that his idea of 'normal' is completely different to his children's concept of 'normal.' His children have friends with same-sex parents, and they don't see anything wrong with their relationship. Their friends come from a loving environment, with two parents (not necessarily biological), but definitely parents who have the best interest for their children, create opportunities for their children and welcome all without judgment and hostility. Sometimes, it's better than a traditional marriage/family relationship, because there is mutual respect as they have had to fight society for what they believe in and want in their lives.
I was listening to some arguments this morning on breakfast radio, and the main argument for why we shouldn't allow gay & lesbian legal unions is 'where will it stop? If we allow two adults of the same sex to legally wed, then why won't they let us marry animals, or children, or buildings, or by polygamists?' But the concept of a gay or straight union is still the same - two consenting adults who love each other wanting it to be recognised by law that they are legally together, for the sake of Wills, next of kin, Power of Attorney, children's matters, anything that may pop up because the law doesn't agree with their relationship. Can you imagine the obstacles that gay & lesbian couples have to deal with certain issues?
Our concept of 'normal society' is different from our parents concept. The world changes, and we all have to accept change. If governments around the world passed legislation to allowed gay and lesbian couples to legally wed, the conventionalists will soon have to change their thoughts and fears to acknowledge that if it's legal, it's OK. And I think that's the main issue here... religious people who comb the Bible for immoral concepts, are generally the ones who are against gay and lesbian relationships, but once it's made legal in the eyes of the law, they have nothing to fall back on, but be accepting.
I'm definitely an advocate for not being able to choose who we love. We fall in love with whomever shows us interest, we have commonality with, who we're attracted to, who gives us the attention and love we need. Love connections are ethereal, if it's between a man and a woman, or the same sex. It should never be a government or a religion who decides who we love, it's a transcendent bond between two people.
So for all my gay and lesbian readers, it sounds like it's a historic day of another small step for civil rights today... I hope it's not too long before you can properly celebrate!
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Being True to Yourself
I just watched a documentary about Apple and Steve Jobs.
I'm a big Apple fan - I like it's simplicity, it's functionality, it's effortlessness and it's streamlined design. It's iconic, it makes a statement and it's constantly reinventing itself, but staying true to itself.
Steve Jobs was essentially a hippy. He lived simply, he didn't believe in possessions, he in fact wasn't controlled by money... he was a man who believed in himself and how he could change the world. And that he did. He had people working for him who had the same philosophies, but had their own roles in Apple - designer, accountant, marketer, researcher, secretary, who ever they were, Steve employed people who were true to themselves and their common philosophy to change the world.
No doubt, he was proud of his achievements, and when he died, I'm sure he felt that he succeeded in his personal conquest to change the world, which would have allowed him to rest in peace. But his story is a truly inspirational to everyone... be true to yourself and you will succeed.
He had an advertising campaign in the mid 80s when he launched the Apple II. It simply said 'be different.' It highlighted those we all know as being he crazies in this world - Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Steve Biko, John Lennon, etc... all those who stood for what they believed in and made a statement about who they were and how they could change the world. They were his visionaries. They were his heroes.
Steve treated his employees as his family. As his true employees treated him. He would call them at 2am in the morning if he had a sudden brainwave for a new idea, he had staff come to his side at home when things were unbearable for him. It was part of his philosophy. It what was true to himself.
And I guess that's what's so humbling about him. He didn't care what people thought of him, he only cared about how he could change the world. And to do that, he did it in a demanding, yet passionate and loving community.
So I guess what I'm saying, is that Steve Jobs is a true role model in how we can be true to ourselves. Don't be bullied by people who preach their views - stick up for your own views. Have your own views! So many people don't have any opinions on certain ideologies, social cultures, religion, politics, their favourite foods, music, sports... they just go along for the ride. But having a view makes you passionate about something, and being passionate is what makes you 'you.'
I had a chat with a lady today about God. She was a born again Christian (self confessed) and told me that they only way you can have peace in your heart is if you give it to Jesus (and God). She was telling me that we need to go to church to have a sense of community, and that we must read and understand the Bible to fully feel the benefit of giving ourselves to God. She tried to convince me by asking me where do I go (where does my soul go) after I die if I don't believe in God? She tried to tell me that my soul goes to God. But for me, I believe that my soul goes to the next body that needs me. My life lessons from this life will benefit a new body... reincarnation at it's best! But I also questioned her faith in the Bible... saying that if it is written by Jesus and his disciplines 2000 years ago, and the printing press was only invented in the 17th century, then there was a lot of hand-written Bibles with human error in them, that could have transcribed the Bible unintentionally without the true meaning of what Jesus and his disciplines had originally said. She argued that the Bible only talks about love... but that for me is doubtful. There are some harsh realities in the Bible, commandments that essentially some things are unforgivable and crucifiable. But we are allowed to agree to disagree.
For me, I listen to all sides of the argument before forming my opinion. Sometimes I get swayed, because I want to believe in that person and what they stand for, but I know I have to stand up for my own opinions too, and stop being a wallflower. It's building the courage, and we might be considered crazy for making a stand and telling the world (God forbid blogging is a forum for stating your opinion), but once we have the courage, the voice and the vision, we too can change the world... well at least our own world, just by being true to ourselves.
I'm a big Apple fan - I like it's simplicity, it's functionality, it's effortlessness and it's streamlined design. It's iconic, it makes a statement and it's constantly reinventing itself, but staying true to itself.
Steve Jobs was essentially a hippy. He lived simply, he didn't believe in possessions, he in fact wasn't controlled by money... he was a man who believed in himself and how he could change the world. And that he did. He had people working for him who had the same philosophies, but had their own roles in Apple - designer, accountant, marketer, researcher, secretary, who ever they were, Steve employed people who were true to themselves and their common philosophy to change the world.
No doubt, he was proud of his achievements, and when he died, I'm sure he felt that he succeeded in his personal conquest to change the world, which would have allowed him to rest in peace. But his story is a truly inspirational to everyone... be true to yourself and you will succeed.
He had an advertising campaign in the mid 80s when he launched the Apple II. It simply said 'be different.' It highlighted those we all know as being he crazies in this world - Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Steve Biko, John Lennon, etc... all those who stood for what they believed in and made a statement about who they were and how they could change the world. They were his visionaries. They were his heroes.
Steve treated his employees as his family. As his true employees treated him. He would call them at 2am in the morning if he had a sudden brainwave for a new idea, he had staff come to his side at home when things were unbearable for him. It was part of his philosophy. It what was true to himself.
And I guess that's what's so humbling about him. He didn't care what people thought of him, he only cared about how he could change the world. And to do that, he did it in a demanding, yet passionate and loving community.
So I guess what I'm saying, is that Steve Jobs is a true role model in how we can be true to ourselves. Don't be bullied by people who preach their views - stick up for your own views. Have your own views! So many people don't have any opinions on certain ideologies, social cultures, religion, politics, their favourite foods, music, sports... they just go along for the ride. But having a view makes you passionate about something, and being passionate is what makes you 'you.'
I had a chat with a lady today about God. She was a born again Christian (self confessed) and told me that they only way you can have peace in your heart is if you give it to Jesus (and God). She was telling me that we need to go to church to have a sense of community, and that we must read and understand the Bible to fully feel the benefit of giving ourselves to God. She tried to convince me by asking me where do I go (where does my soul go) after I die if I don't believe in God? She tried to tell me that my soul goes to God. But for me, I believe that my soul goes to the next body that needs me. My life lessons from this life will benefit a new body... reincarnation at it's best! But I also questioned her faith in the Bible... saying that if it is written by Jesus and his disciplines 2000 years ago, and the printing press was only invented in the 17th century, then there was a lot of hand-written Bibles with human error in them, that could have transcribed the Bible unintentionally without the true meaning of what Jesus and his disciplines had originally said. She argued that the Bible only talks about love... but that for me is doubtful. There are some harsh realities in the Bible, commandments that essentially some things are unforgivable and crucifiable. But we are allowed to agree to disagree.
For me, I listen to all sides of the argument before forming my opinion. Sometimes I get swayed, because I want to believe in that person and what they stand for, but I know I have to stand up for my own opinions too, and stop being a wallflower. It's building the courage, and we might be considered crazy for making a stand and telling the world (God forbid blogging is a forum for stating your opinion), but once we have the courage, the voice and the vision, we too can change the world... well at least our own world, just by being true to ourselves.
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